Even Later, After Dinner
Well, Mom didn't tell on me. She says that it's my job to build a personal relationship with Dad.
As if! But none of that matters anyway. I am never, and I mean NEVER setting foot outside this
house again. I am so embarrassed. What Dad did when we were out to eat tonight will go down
in history as one of the most moronic feats ever performed.
When Dad came home tonight, I thought I was prepared for the worst. Boy, was I ever wrong.
This is what happened:
6:14 Dad comes in the door and trips on the welcome mat. Mom is there and catches him before
giving him one of the most grossly passionate kisses I've ever seen. It might've even been a
Frenchie. Sick.
6:15 Dad asks me how my day was at school Like he really cares or anything. I tell him it was
perfectly fine. Mom gives me a Look, but I ignore her.
6:16 Zak emerges from his bedroom (for like only the second voluntary time on his life. I wonder
what he does in there?). HE trips over Mom and gives Dad a hug. Yeah . . .
6:17 Dad suggests that we go out to eat. Mom says she'd rather cook for him, but Dad wins.
What a jerk. Mom was just trying to be nice.
6:18 We all pile in Mom's old 1968 Volkswagon bus thing. Dad secretly hates the vehicle (he has
this weird aversion to all things German), but he's never said anything so as not to offend Mom.
Real consistent. You didn't seem to care about her feelings when she offered to cook dinner.
6:19 Dad realizes that neither of them have a set of keys. He returns to the house.
6:20 Dad returns and informs us that he's locked himself out of the house. Good think Zack and I
each have a house key in our pockets at all times.
6:21 Dad goes back into the house.
6:26 Dad returns and informs us that he can't find his keys anywhere. I suggest that we take the
car that my brother and I share.
6:27 Mom points out that the keys were in Dad's pocket all the time. Dad slaps his forehead and
starts the car.
6:28 The car dies. We all decide to take Zak's and my car. Duh! Like I suggested that two
minutes ago!
6:40 We arrive at this really ritzy restaurant. I think Mom and Dad used to date here once. That
is, if they ever DID date to begin with.
6:41: We enter the restaurant and are informed that there is a twenty minute wait. Mom and Dad
say that's fine while exchanging remarkably sappy glances. Ugh. I can't believe she's STILL goo-
goo over him after the ordeal of the past half hour. Sometimes I think he's brainwashed her.
6:45 Dad gets tired of making cutesy faces at Mom, and starts telling really and I mean REALLY
stupid jokes.
Dad: So this guy goes to the doctor and says, "Help! I've just swallowed a chicken bone!" And
the doctor says, "Oh dear, are you choking?" And the guy says, "No, I'm serious."
Hahahahahahaha!
Zak actually laughed, but I think he was just being polite. I just glared at him . I mean, who does
Dad think he is, Ralph Malph? And in the middle of the Ritz, for crying out loud! Besides, that
joke is so old. Right up there with "Why did the chicken cross the road?" God, he's so pathetic.
7:10 After 25 minutes of obnoxious jokes, we are seated. Finally! They said twenty minutes and it
ended up being 30. Dad flirts with the waitress. Honestly, if I were Mom, I would've divorced
him years ago. But Mom just smiles super-sweetly and elbows him to stop.
7:11 The waitress leaves and we begin to peruse (I love that word!) Our menus. Dad looks a little
nervous about the prices.
7:17 The waitress returns. Mom orders the fillet mignon, Dad orders lobster, Zak orders some
other seafood thing, and I order turkey. So far, so good.
7:18 Dad begins some insipid conversation about the stock market. It seems that ticker symbol
CTRL is on the rise and KAOS is dropping rapidly. I sure hope we invested in CTRL, whatever
that is. Maybe that's why we're so rich. And who in the heck named their ticker symbol KAOS?
No wonder it's plummeting. I wouldn't invest in a company of that name.
7:19 Mom says that his discussion is boring the children and gives him a significant glance, which
is evidently lost on him. He says that we don't understand what they're talking about anyway.
Duh! Which would be why we're bored!
7:20 The conversation turns to cellular phones. *yawn* Dad says that cell phones have been
around for years, they just looked . . . different. Mom glares at him again. What is with her? I
guess she's in a bad mood because she didn't get to cook. Dad gets really silent and guilty-
looking after this. See what happens when you don't listen to your wife?
7:21 Zak and I become engaged in a heated discussion about our favorite tv show, The Avengers.
Zak claims that Emma Peel was the greatest spy ever, but I vote for John Steed. He's so
gentlemanly and polished, unlike Dad. And he was a REAL secret agent. Emma was only a
"talented amateur," as TV Guide says. Our parents look amused. Good for them.
7:43 Our food arrives. We all dig in. And THAT'S when the really bad thing happened. Dad tries
to eat his lobster and somehow it slides off his plate and onto the floor. Right in front of everyone
in the restaurant. I could've died on the spot. How could anyone not catch something as big as a
lobster when it's sliding off their plate! And all dad can say is: "Sorry, about that, 99." Why does
he always call mom by that name? Not to mention the fact that a gale of laughter erupted in the
room. My face was so hot, I swore it was melting. Mom's cheeks are all red, too. She whispers
something to Dad and then calls a waiter to clean up the mess. Dad decides to share Mom's
dinner and not order another one. I mean, that lobster cost fifty bucks or something crazy. I half
expected him to pick it up off the floor and eat it, but I'm glad he didn't. I seriously think I
would've cracked under the strain.
8:12 We leave the restaurant amid tactless remarks from fellow patrons. If I had known any of the
people there, I probably would've committed suicide on the spot.
Now that I'm sitting here in front of my computer and getting all my emotions out, I realize that it
wasn't THAT bad. I guess it was kind of funny if you come to think about it. Or it would be if I
didn't have to live with it for the rest of my life.
Needless to say, I didn't quite get around to asking Dad about Career Day. (Duh!) I don't know
if I can ever face him again without blowing my top. I think I'm going to legally change my name
when I turn 18. I do not want to be associated with him in any way, shape or form. It could ruin
any chance I have of a normal life.
How does Jennifer Steed sound?
The Person Formerly known as Maxine Smart
A/N: If Max's exploits at the Ritz seem really corny, forgive me. I'm still trying to get his
character down pat. The trouble with Max is that he's got to be intelligent and stupid at the same
time, you know what I mean? It's way harder than it looks. I've also only seen like 20 GS
episodes *gasp* so that may be part of the problem. Bear with me please!
Well, Mom didn't tell on me. She says that it's my job to build a personal relationship with Dad.
As if! But none of that matters anyway. I am never, and I mean NEVER setting foot outside this
house again. I am so embarrassed. What Dad did when we were out to eat tonight will go down
in history as one of the most moronic feats ever performed.
When Dad came home tonight, I thought I was prepared for the worst. Boy, was I ever wrong.
This is what happened:
6:14 Dad comes in the door and trips on the welcome mat. Mom is there and catches him before
giving him one of the most grossly passionate kisses I've ever seen. It might've even been a
Frenchie. Sick.
6:15 Dad asks me how my day was at school Like he really cares or anything. I tell him it was
perfectly fine. Mom gives me a Look, but I ignore her.
6:16 Zak emerges from his bedroom (for like only the second voluntary time on his life. I wonder
what he does in there?). HE trips over Mom and gives Dad a hug. Yeah . . .
6:17 Dad suggests that we go out to eat. Mom says she'd rather cook for him, but Dad wins.
What a jerk. Mom was just trying to be nice.
6:18 We all pile in Mom's old 1968 Volkswagon bus thing. Dad secretly hates the vehicle (he has
this weird aversion to all things German), but he's never said anything so as not to offend Mom.
Real consistent. You didn't seem to care about her feelings when she offered to cook dinner.
6:19 Dad realizes that neither of them have a set of keys. He returns to the house.
6:20 Dad returns and informs us that he's locked himself out of the house. Good think Zack and I
each have a house key in our pockets at all times.
6:21 Dad goes back into the house.
6:26 Dad returns and informs us that he can't find his keys anywhere. I suggest that we take the
car that my brother and I share.
6:27 Mom points out that the keys were in Dad's pocket all the time. Dad slaps his forehead and
starts the car.
6:28 The car dies. We all decide to take Zak's and my car. Duh! Like I suggested that two
minutes ago!
6:40 We arrive at this really ritzy restaurant. I think Mom and Dad used to date here once. That
is, if they ever DID date to begin with.
6:41: We enter the restaurant and are informed that there is a twenty minute wait. Mom and Dad
say that's fine while exchanging remarkably sappy glances. Ugh. I can't believe she's STILL goo-
goo over him after the ordeal of the past half hour. Sometimes I think he's brainwashed her.
6:45 Dad gets tired of making cutesy faces at Mom, and starts telling really and I mean REALLY
stupid jokes.
Dad: So this guy goes to the doctor and says, "Help! I've just swallowed a chicken bone!" And
the doctor says, "Oh dear, are you choking?" And the guy says, "No, I'm serious."
Hahahahahahaha!
Zak actually laughed, but I think he was just being polite. I just glared at him . I mean, who does
Dad think he is, Ralph Malph? And in the middle of the Ritz, for crying out loud! Besides, that
joke is so old. Right up there with "Why did the chicken cross the road?" God, he's so pathetic.
7:10 After 25 minutes of obnoxious jokes, we are seated. Finally! They said twenty minutes and it
ended up being 30. Dad flirts with the waitress. Honestly, if I were Mom, I would've divorced
him years ago. But Mom just smiles super-sweetly and elbows him to stop.
7:11 The waitress leaves and we begin to peruse (I love that word!) Our menus. Dad looks a little
nervous about the prices.
7:17 The waitress returns. Mom orders the fillet mignon, Dad orders lobster, Zak orders some
other seafood thing, and I order turkey. So far, so good.
7:18 Dad begins some insipid conversation about the stock market. It seems that ticker symbol
CTRL is on the rise and KAOS is dropping rapidly. I sure hope we invested in CTRL, whatever
that is. Maybe that's why we're so rich. And who in the heck named their ticker symbol KAOS?
No wonder it's plummeting. I wouldn't invest in a company of that name.
7:19 Mom says that his discussion is boring the children and gives him a significant glance, which
is evidently lost on him. He says that we don't understand what they're talking about anyway.
Duh! Which would be why we're bored!
7:20 The conversation turns to cellular phones. *yawn* Dad says that cell phones have been
around for years, they just looked . . . different. Mom glares at him again. What is with her? I
guess she's in a bad mood because she didn't get to cook. Dad gets really silent and guilty-
looking after this. See what happens when you don't listen to your wife?
7:21 Zak and I become engaged in a heated discussion about our favorite tv show, The Avengers.
Zak claims that Emma Peel was the greatest spy ever, but I vote for John Steed. He's so
gentlemanly and polished, unlike Dad. And he was a REAL secret agent. Emma was only a
"talented amateur," as TV Guide says. Our parents look amused. Good for them.
7:43 Our food arrives. We all dig in. And THAT'S when the really bad thing happened. Dad tries
to eat his lobster and somehow it slides off his plate and onto the floor. Right in front of everyone
in the restaurant. I could've died on the spot. How could anyone not catch something as big as a
lobster when it's sliding off their plate! And all dad can say is: "Sorry, about that, 99." Why does
he always call mom by that name? Not to mention the fact that a gale of laughter erupted in the
room. My face was so hot, I swore it was melting. Mom's cheeks are all red, too. She whispers
something to Dad and then calls a waiter to clean up the mess. Dad decides to share Mom's
dinner and not order another one. I mean, that lobster cost fifty bucks or something crazy. I half
expected him to pick it up off the floor and eat it, but I'm glad he didn't. I seriously think I
would've cracked under the strain.
8:12 We leave the restaurant amid tactless remarks from fellow patrons. If I had known any of the
people there, I probably would've committed suicide on the spot.
Now that I'm sitting here in front of my computer and getting all my emotions out, I realize that it
wasn't THAT bad. I guess it was kind of funny if you come to think about it. Or it would be if I
didn't have to live with it for the rest of my life.
Needless to say, I didn't quite get around to asking Dad about Career Day. (Duh!) I don't know
if I can ever face him again without blowing my top. I think I'm going to legally change my name
when I turn 18. I do not want to be associated with him in any way, shape or form. It could ruin
any chance I have of a normal life.
How does Jennifer Steed sound?
The Person Formerly known as Maxine Smart
A/N: If Max's exploits at the Ritz seem really corny, forgive me. I'm still trying to get his
character down pat. The trouble with Max is that he's got to be intelligent and stupid at the same
time, you know what I mean? It's way harder than it looks. I've also only seen like 20 GS
episodes *gasp* so that may be part of the problem. Bear with me please!