Chapter Five

Her body felt the rush before anything else. The blood was coursing through her veins at an alarming speed, buzzing and humming. She was consumed by a fury that overpowered all her senses. Her heart was beating fast, her breath coming in quick bursts, her flesh pulsating as her muscles twitched beneath her skin. She could feel something under her. A body. A very cold body.

Slowly, her vision came into focus, and Buffy realized that she was on top of Spike, beating him to a bloody pulp.

Her fists were swinging of there own accord, as she landed punch after punch. He didn't fight her; made no move to defend himself. What was wrong with him? Didn't he know they were mortal enemies? Didn't he know that she hated him?

Buffy pounded into him, letting her rage overtake her. He had hurt her, violated her in a way that no one else ever had. She would make him pay.

Her mind in ravenous turmoil, Buffy found herself screaming at him. "How could you? How could you, after you told me loved me?" She hit him again. "I trusted you, and you hurt me." She landed another punch.

She searched his eyes for any defiance, any hint that he meant to do her harm. But there was none. He was staring up at her, his gaze a heartbreaking combination of longing and guilt. His left eye was starting to swell shut, and Buffy forced herself not to lose her resolve.

"What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Nothin' to say, pet," he choked out. "You're right. Kill me. I deserve it."

"Damn right you deserve it." Tears beginning to mist her eyes, Buffy pulled back her fist and struck him again. She had to. She had to hurt him. To show him that he couldn't do that to her again. To make him pay.

"I will kill you," she said, her voice trembling as she continued to beat him. "I will kill you. You're an evil . . . soulless . . . dead thing. You can't hurt me anymore. You're worthless." She was crying now, as she hit him. "You don't have a soul! There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside! You can't feel anything real! I could never . . . be your girl. I could never . . ." Buffy stopped, the words dying somewhere in the back of her throat, as realization dawned.

She wanted to tell him that she could never love him. But she couldn't.

Buffy pushed herself off of him, still in shock. She rocked back onto her heels and stared at him, her hand coming up to cover her open mouth. "Oh God," she whispered. "Oh God, no."

"Buffy?" His voice cut through the air, uncertainly. It sounded so familiar, yet somehow foreign.

She couldn't bring herself to respond. She tore her eyes away from him and stared down at the pavement in horror. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be possible. She didn't love Spike. She couldn't love Spike. She could never . . ."

"Buffy!"

Buffy opened her eyes to see Dawn standing over her. "Dawn?"

"Yeah. Like you have any other pain-in-the-neck kid sisters?"

Buffy tried to take a steadying breath as she pushed herself up to a sitting position on the couch. "What happened?"

"You fell asleep. Apparently, 'Bram Stoker's Dracula' isn't all that riveting on film if you've actually met the real thing."

Buffy looked around and tried to focus. She was still dazed. Her heart was still racing and she couldn't seem to come back to earth.

"Buffy? Hello? Oh, chosen one?"

"What?" She looked up at Dawn.

"Are you okay?" Dawn sat beside Buffy and gave her a concerned look.

"Me? I'm fine." She started playing with a piece of fuzz on the arm of the sofa. "Just a bad dream, that's all."

"What about?"

"Oh? Nothing. Just beating up a demon that's all. Nothing to worry about." Buffy got up from the couch, desperate for some personal space. She felt trapped. Her limbs were beginning to tremble and she was trying desperately to steady herself.

This last dream had been the worst of the worst. Not only had she been unable to tell Spike that she couldn't love him, but she had also been forced to face something she had long been in denial about, her own brutality. As much as what she had seen had just been a nightmare, she knew it was more than that. It had been real, a real moment from the past. She had lived it before. She had tried to forget, but now she couldn't. She had beaten Spike brutally and mercilessly that night in the alley behind the police station, taken advantage of his love for her and had blithely beaten him into the ground. What the hell had been wrong with her? Being back from the dead was no excuse.

An involuntary shudder coursed through Buffy's small frame as she tried to shake the image from mind. She didn't want to deal with it. Didn't want to face that side of herself. It had been so much easier to lay all the blame on Spike. He was the evil, soulless fiend, right? He was the one to blame, wasn't he?

"So," Dawn interjected, cutting through Buffy's inner ramblings, "nothing for me to worry about? But it's okay for you to worry?"

"No." Buffy turned around to face her. "It's nothing like that. Just having bad dreams, that's all."

"Having? As in, having had them before?"

"A few."

"What do you think it is? Is it the same demon every time?"

"Pretty much, yeah." Buffy nodded and nervously rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet.

"So, you think maybe it's some sort of dream demon? Visits you in your sleep, and kills you before morning?"

"It's not Freddy Krueger."

"Oh, please! He is so not scary."

Buffy rolled her eyes and tried to walk away.

"But your demon is, right? Buffy," there was genuine concern in Dawn's voice, "you don't get scared. What is this thing?"

"Not what you'd think."

"Right. Because I'm a child and I don't understand these things."

"That's not it. Look, Dawn," Buffy sighed and moved to stand closer to her sister, "I just don't want to upset you. That's all."

"And of course, I don't find any of this upsetting, so that's fine."

"That's not it."

"Then what is? Why can't you talk to me? Who else do you have Buffy? Xander? Everyone else is gone. Giles, Willow, . . ." she opened her mouth to say "Spike," but couldn't. They both knew it.

"Spike," Buffy finished for her.

"Yeah, well," Dawn looked down at the floor, "who wants him here anyway? I'm glad he's gone."

"Yeah."

"Aren't you?" Dawn looked up at her sister.

Buffy tried to say yes, but she couldn't. The word wouldn't come. She just stood there staring at Dawn, trying desperately to find her voice.

"Buffy?"

"Yes, yes. I'm glad he's gone," she finally managed. "But, it's not like I haven't seen him."

"What?! You've seen Spike and you didn't tell me? When?"

"Not here. In my dreams. Every night. Every night for the past two weeks. I don't know why, but it keeps happening."

"That was the nightmare I woke you from?"

"Yes." Buffy exhaled a heavy breath and let herself fall into a nearby chair. "He's haunting me. Every night. I see him, and we . . ."

"You what?" Dawn asked, sitting down on the coffee table.

"We fight. That's what. It never stops."

"Does he hurt you?"

"No." Buffy shook her head and stared down at her hands. "I always seem to hurt him more." And it was true. Even though most of her dreams had ended with Spike sinking his teeth into her neck, it was never painful, never something she didn't want. She was seducing him in her dreams. Begging him to take her. Sometimes coercing him. It was frightening. And sad. She hated herself for it, for wanting Spike after everything that had happened. But want him she did. It was getting more difficult to deny with each passing day.

"Do you still love him, Buffy?"

"What?" Buffy's eyes shot up.

"Do you still love him?"

"I . . ." Buffy was stunned. "I don't love Spike. I've never loved Spike."

"Right. Okay. Whatever you say." Dawn moved to get up.

Buffy's hand came out and stopped her. "What do you mean 'whatever I say?' I do not love Spike."

"Okay."

"Dawn!"

"Buffy, it's okay to still have feelings for him. I don't like what he did to you, but it's not like you're ever going to let him back into your life. So, it'll take you some time to get over him. You'll do it. You'll be fine."

"Yeah. Fine. Sure." Buffy fell back in the chair.

Dawn watched her sister suspiciously. "You're not . . . thinking about letting him back in? Are you?"

"No, no." Buffy couldn't look at her sister.

"Buffy?"

"I don't even know where he is. I'll probably never see him again. So it doesn't really matter."

"Exactly what kind of dreams are you having about Spike?"

"Oh, the violent kind," Buffy reassured her. "Lots of punching and kicking and . . ."

"And . . . making out?"

Buffy didn't say anything.

"Oh my God Buffy! What is wrong with you?"

"Exactly what I've been asking myself."

"You can't want Spike. You do know that right? Evil, sadistic rapist? You can't want him Buffy."

"I know. And I don't. Really." She looked up at Dawn, her eyes pleading for some affirmation.

"He'll hurt you again."

"I know." Buffy wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, trying to quell the tears that were threatening to give way. "Oh God I know."

Dawn knelt down beside her and wrapped her arms around her sister. "It'll be okay, Buff. I promise. Somehow we'll get through this together."