Chapter Twelve

"Find anything?" Buffy asked, a sigh of frustration escaping her lips as she closed another huge volume of text.

"No, not really. Unless, of course, you're looking for a spell that removes all your hair and re-grows it on the inside of you body," Dawn said, as she absently flipped another page.

Buffy folded her arms on the table and leaned forward, perusing the titles of the books spread out before her. She was determined to find some information that might help her figure out what was going on with Spike. She knew the idea of him having a soul was ridiculous - positively obscene in it's absurdity - but she couldn't seem to shake the thought.

She had spent the previous night, lying awake, trying to find some reason or explanation for what she had seen. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw his face, staring down at her, his eyes deep with pain, and torment, and sincerity. She knew she shouldn't be able to detect a soul in anyone. The first time she had seen Angel after he had lost his soul, she hadn't realized that it was gone. So how was it, now, she could recognize that Spike's had returned? She knew she shouldn't be able to. Knew it was impossible. And yet, she was so sure, she would have bet her life on it.

"What exactly is it we're looking for again?" Xander asked.

"I don't know. Anything about soul regeneration, or transference, or whatever."

"And why?"

"It's not really important."

"Okay, so we've spent the past three hours looking through moldy old books for the 411 on soul transference and yet the reason's not really important enough for you to tell us?" Xander put down his book and gave Buffy a reproachful look. "I thought you were supposed to be getting past that whole keeping-secrets-from-my-friends phase."

"And I am. I just . . . I'm not exactly sure what's going on, and I'm really worried about how you'll react. Both of you."

"Try us Buffy," Dawn interjected. "What's the worst that can happen? It's not like we could never talk to you again, even if we wanted to. Who do we have left?"

"Thanks for the warm and fuzzy Dawn."

"You know what I mean. We'll still love you, just give us a try."

Buffy looked from Xander to Dawn, and then back again. "All right, but Xander, there's something you need to know first."

"I'm all ears Buffy. Well, not literally of course, but the ear parts of me," he flicked his lobes with his fingers, "they're all ears."

"Spike's back."

"What? I didn't hear you." He put a finger in one ear and rubbed it around, as if trying to clear it out. "What was that again?"

"I said Spike's back."

"Yeah, that's what I thought you said. How long has he been back?"

"I don't know really. A few days, a few weeks. I saw him for the first time two nights ago, when I was out on patrol."

"The first time?" Dawn asked, her voice hard and clearly accusing. "You mean you saw him again?"

"You knew about this?" Xander turned on Dawn.

"Well, just the first night. Buffy didn't tell me she'd seen him a second time. It's not my fault."

"Are you two finished?" Buffy cut in.

Xander and Dawn looked at each other. "Yeah, I think so," Xander said.

"Good, because I haven't exactly gotten to the difficult part yet."

"And that would be . . .?" Xander raised an eyebrow at her.

Buffy had thought long and hard about sharing her suspicions with what was left of the Scooby gang. She had wanted to wait until she was sure of exactly what was going on. Neither Dawn nor Xander were all that fond of Spike - okay, they both sort of hated him - but Buffy knew she had no choice but to tell them. It was only fair. "Spike, may . . . have his soul back."

"What?!" both Dawn and Xander exclaimed at once.

"See, I knew I shouldn't have told you." Buffy shook her head and started shuffling papers around on the dinning room table.

Dawn was the first to recover. "What makes you think he got his soul back?"

"It's hard to explain."

"Well try." Her little sister's voice was hard.

"Let's see. You know those dreams I've been having?"

"Those wanton, torrid, sex dreams?" Dawn asked.

Buffy ignored her. "Well, in one of them, I saw William, and he was different. Whatever was happening, it felt like I was actually there. I saw him, saw the man that Spike used to be. Saw his soul."

"And now you're seeing it everywhere?" Xander finally joined the conversation.

"No, not everywhere. Just in Spike. I looked into his eyes and there's something different about him. I can't explain it. He came to town and asked me to kill him. How else would you explain it?"

"Well, Spike was always sort of into the kinky. I remember this one time I walked in on him doing naked pushups in bed. It was around the time the nerds turned you invisible and . . ." Xander stopped in mid-sentence.

"Ewww gross," Dawn cried. "Can we never speak of this again?"

"Already there."

"Look, you guys, this has nothing to do with Spike and the kinkiness - although, you're totally right about that. This is something else. He's acting very strangely, and I want to find out why."

"And what do you expect to find in these books, oh fearless leader?"

"I don't know." Buffy leaned back in her chair, slightly deflated. "An answer? A possibility? Something."

"Did you ask Spike about it?"

"Yes. But he denied it. Denied that anything was wrong."

"Then maybe it isn't." Xander leaned closer and covered Buffy's hand with his own. "Don't you think that if he had somehow gotten his soul back, he would have fessed up, used it to get back into your good graces? Spike's always been out for himself. Even when he was helping you. You don't need him Buffy. Face it, you're grasping at straws because you want to forgive him, because you've gotten used to the abuse. It's time you let go."

"You're wrong."

"No he's not," said Dawn. "Buffy, you can't make up excuses to forgive Spike. It isn't right. He tried to rape you. You can't just forget it ever happened."

"And I don't plan to. But I think I'm right here. I know what I saw. I don't know why I saw it, but it's there. And I need you to help me find out why. Will you help me?" She raised earnest eyes to both of them.

"Sure Buff," Xander said. "Whatever you need. But what if we don't find anything?"

"Then I'll have to find another way."

"Buffy?" Xander looked concerned.

"We'll find something. I know we will." She opened up another book and started flipping through the index.

"All right," he said. "But if it turns out that Spike doesn't have a soul, can I be the one to stake him?"

"Sure. But books first, staking later."