Good evening, One and All,
Well, what with the snow and the massive cabin fever, I do believe that I will be able to get you three chapters this week. Tonight, Friday and Sunday. Don't hold me to the Friday release, but I will try.
The angst is starting and it will get *very* angsty. But hang on. This is new for me. In the past, I have created drama by separating Buffy and Spike. In this story, they will be together through it all. But what happens to them may seem worse for it.
Still, I am a firm believer in happy endings, so please please don't send me hate mail! You will be handsomely rewarded. And for those of you who have been emailing me about an NC-17 chapter, I am entertaining the idea. If you want it badly enough, I will see what I can do.
Thanks for hanging in there with me. Hope it has been worth the wait!
*Cheery Vibes*, Nimue
"As sick as it sounds, in my little head, there's a little Sunnydale, and a widdle Spike and a widdle Buffy and Spike wubs Buffy." James Marsters 14 July 2002
Title: Falling into Darkness (Chapter Nineteen of The One)
Author: Nimue
Rating: PG -13
Pairing: Buffy/Spike. Most major characters included.
Feedback: Yes, please
For instant notification of fic releases, straight to your mailbox, please visit Always_Everyday@yahoogroups.com . Also, please visit the wonderful fan listing that Rachel put together. Sign up today and link to your website (or just sign up to say hi!). The fan listing can be found at .
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, UPN, Fox... Just Borrowing. (With, of course, the exception of Emma and William, who belong to Buffy and Spike)
Summary: Anya is delivered to La Maison Rouge by the circle of women. The pawn surveys her opponents. Spike teaches Buffy how to control the beast if for only a moment. But at what price?
Falling into Darkness
Anya felt herself step through the portal and her skin seemed to have stayed behind. She looked down upon herself and saw nothing. It made her feel somehow naked. But not in the good, Rupert and a box of chocolate covered strawberries way. In a bad, if I had skin it might crawl sort of way.
There was a silver tether attached to her, Although she couldn't see her or the tether, she knew it was there. She could *feel* it anchoring her to the rest of them. To Willow, in particular. Anya could feel Willow in her head like a mission control.
"Just see what you can find," the red head's voice spoke into her mind.
"And how am I supposed to do that when I can't find me," Anya snarked, taking a step into the rocky landscape.
"Just try, okay?" "Whoever said I cared all that much about Buffy and Spike to do all this," Anya griped as she began her trek through the endless fields of rocks. The screaming didn't bother her. In fact, it was kind of comforting. It was the fact that feet she could not see were getting bruised by the pebbles. Somewhere, she hoped she didn't get un-invisible because she had a pretty good idea that she was naked.
The voice in her head sighed. "So, you want to see Buffy turn into a Vampire and Spike have to raise their poor little children alone? Ooh, or worse yet, Buffy goes all bumpy, Spike loses his mind, and you and Giles have to raise Emma and Will and Giles says that he can't afford any more kids so you can't go to the spa anymore nor can you have anymore of your own." That'll hit her where it hurt, Willow thought.
Anya sighed to herself. "I would have just done it for Buffy and Spike," she whispered to the air. "I mean, superhero, disgustingly happy types that they are, they still are my friends."
"Oh," Willow muttered into Anya's head.
"What am I supposed to be looking for anyway?" Anya asked, hopping as a sharper rock penetrated her non existent foot.
"Dunno, exactly. Signs of Draconius? Maybe with Luke? Any idea of what they're doing."
"You couldn't have dropped me closer to La Maison Rouge?" Anya grouched as she stopped to look around the barren red world of rocks and death.
"Sorry," Dawn's voice chimed in.
"Oh, that's just great," the demon snarked. "Not only am I invisible and naked in hell, but I have the entire Mickey Mouse Club in my head. I tortured some of them you know?"
"You're naked?" Willow asked. Tara nudged her with a patient smile. "I mean, we sent you visible but without clothes."
Anya let out a huge sigh. "No, ,my lesbian friend. I am *both* invisible and naked, thank you very much. But we'll talk about that when I get back. Now cut the crap and tell me where I am.."
The woman moved from her hiding place in the shed and crept along the tree line until she could find a dark patch near the house. She knew she didn't want to be seen, but the interior of the abode was lit up as if it were evening rush, not three am. It was odd.
Slowly, she made her way to the side, her body pressed along the siding of the house. She didn't want to be seen from the road or from inside. She wasn't sure why. Just that it wasn't time they saw her yet. Wasn't time for her to play.
Something sunk in her heart, or what she thought was her heart, as she stood up on her tip toes and looked inside the window. There were three men in there. She recognized them all, but something low and feral in her belly recognized the eldest of them. Something wicked and kind all at once.
In his lap was a baby. Horrid little screaming things, some alien part of her said. But the remnant of her heart felt warm and alive looking at the man leaning back in the chair with the small child sprawled against his chest. They were both asleep. Didn't matter. She didn't know them anyway.
There were two other men. They had been here before. She didn't know how she knew, but she did. Except last time, there weren't any of the little loud people. Well, what had been little loud people. Now they were just little people. The two younger men were back to the window, watching television. An older child, blonde and so very familiar was stretched between them, her head resting on a pillow and her forehead pressed to one of the men's arms. As if touching someone was a comfort. Thing didn't know any better. There was no comfort in others. There was no comfort. Only emptiness and torture and death.
There were two smaller children curled around each other like feral kittens on the couch. One light haired. One dark. The light haired boy was the one with the yellow arm. The one that she recognized before. The eerie familiarity of them all was unnerving, but especially with him. She wanted to care. She wanted to know. But she couldn't. She couldn't be bothered. So, she watched. And thought. And felt the bracelet grow warm against her arm and bring her eyes back to the eldest child.
Pretty little girl. That was the one she was after. All sweetness and light and beauty. Horrid, stupid little girl. Dead. Or whatever the woman's master wanted. It wasn't up to her. Still, that strange familiarity bothered her. At least now she knew. Now she knew why she was in this cold, awful place.
Her.
The little, blonde, ball of light, curled on the floor. She was meant to take it away. Make it gone. She wanted that to seem wrong but it didn't. So she watched.
"You feeling any better, Pet?" Spike asked, rolling over stiffly on the carpet. His body was a mass of bruises and possibly a broken bone or two, but nothing major. It had been worth every second.
She hummed her response, still prone on the floor, her arms stretched out over her head and one beautiful leg cocked out to the side.
"Take that as a yes," he answered, a wicked grin breaking on his face. His hands trailed the length of her stretched torso. She looked none the worse for wear. He'd wondered if that is what it had been like before. When they..when she had been the one coming to him here. Taking him. If she had been as bruised as he was and he was stretched out like the cat that ate the canary. It made him tense.
The same thought wandered through her mind as she turned her head on a neck now as limp as a spaghetti noodle and took in the sight of his body. He was beautiful and pale in the candle light, but she could see the outlines of where her hands had choked his neck. Where her fists had made contact against his ribs. Where her nails had clawed bloody trails down his chest. She breathed, but it was more just a sharp intake of air. Is this what he could have done to her but didn't?
Buffy's hand shook as she reached out, tracing the raging bruises on his ribs. "Spike." she breathed, her mind full of regret. The beast was gone now, but she felt it right below the surface. Waiting. "S'alright, Love," Spike answered, taking her wrist and steadying her hand. "Vampire. Heal up nicely."
"Did I.," Buffy breathed, her fingers running up and down the claw marks. He winced involuntarily. So did she.
Spike's eyes closed, taking in a deep breath. "Not like it wasn't pleasant for me as well. You know I've always liked a little pain chaser."
She sat up, searching for a sheet to cover herself but finding nothing. Her eyes were huge and afraid. He felt it boil inside of her. That fear. She needed to believe this wasn't real. That she could control it. But she couldn't. At least, not without . this. first. "Spike."
She looked so small and cold with her knees drawn to her chest, her arms hugging them tighter as if her legs might drop away if she didn't hold them there. Spike scanned the room, finding a blanket and standing to retrieve it. The crypt was cold in the late December air, but that wasn't what was making her shiver. It was this.
Buffy took the blanket willingly; wrapping it around her shoulders and cuddling it close, as if it was all that attached her to the world. Spike looked at her with sad blue eyes, brushing hair from her face. "Little chilly out here, Pet. Mind if I share?"
She shook her head silently, still staring at the bruises on his beautiful chest. He took the blanket from her, wrapping it around his back and pulling her into his lap, closing it in front of her. Buffy trembled against him, her body cold to the touch. It was worse now. And her fear would bring back the beast if he couldn't calm her.
"Buffy, you didn't hurt me, Love. Wouldn't have let you. Strengths haven't changed. Just roles," Spike comforted, his arms wrapping tighter around him, pressing her against his warm, naked body. Hoping it would warm her own again.
"But I tried," she whispered, almost too quietly to hear.
He kissed her cheek softly. "No, Love. Weren't trying to hurt me. Just got a bit carried away in the moment is all. Not the first time we've banged each other up a bit."
Buffy was silent a long moment. "You could have.. Back before. When this all started with us. You could have hurt me like I hurt you. Couldn't you?"
Spike thought of the right way to answer it. "Didn't exactly let you off the hook easy either, Pet. Seem to remember you leaving her a few nights with a bruise or two."
"Not like this," Buffy answered her voice distant. "I.I don't.I don't remember."
"Don't remember what, Love?" Spike asked. He chuckled in the silence. "You telling me that a round with your worse half is no longer even memorable?"
It brought a smile to her face, if just for a moment. "No, stupid. You're always.memorable." She was quiet, trying to relax back into his chest. She wanted to fall into him. To let him in her mind and to let herself into his and find that which was theirs together. But she was afraid. Terrified that this would change that. Afraid that if she let him in, he'd see her darkness. "But I don't remember. I don't remember hurting you."
"Wasn't arguing the point," Spike responded, burying his face in her hair. "Don't mind it rough."
She turned, straining to look at him. "You don't mind playing rough. You never hurt me. Not like this." She thought for a second, watching his face darken. "Did I say. did I say anything when I was hurting you?"
He cringed, remembering the words coming out of her mouth. Horrible, feral words. Words about sex and violence and his meaning in her life. It reminded him of being her walking sex toy before Emma was born. She rode him into oblivion but it didn't mean a thing. Spike knew that wasn't the case now. Knew in his heart that his Buffy, his love, was still in there. The girl who could break his body with her strength and mend it with her tenderness. The tenderness had just gone missing for the night. "Nothing, Pet," Spike answered. He lied.
"You're lying," she sighed, turning away from him again. "I did."
"Nothing important, Love. I know that it's not you then. it's me. My demon. And you don't know how to control it," Spike whispered, reeling her back against him. She had tried to scoot as far away as she could without losing the blanket. He wouldn't let her. Couldn't let this tear them apart. He felt their connection fading and he couldn't, he *wouldn't* let that happen.
Spike felt her hitch as the first tear streamed down her face. "Spike, I don't know what to do." she whispered softly, her arms drawn tight against her chest.
He pulled her impossibly closer. "I won't lose you, Buffy. I won't let it take you. You know that. You have to trust me."
She turned to face him again, eyes glittering with unshed tears. "How.how do I control it?"
Spike smiled softly. "You're you now, right, Love?" He asked, pushing her hair behind her ear. "My girl?"
She smiled. "Yes."
"So, I guess the righteous shag worked," he snarked, a sly smile painting his lips.
Buffy returned it a moment, but it faded like magic ink. "But not without a price." She turned her face away. He grabbed her chin with his hand and turned her face back to his.
"One that I am willing to pay. I would pay any price to keep you. You know that," he stressed, his eyes so serious and so full of love.
Buffy thought for a moment. "I know," she finally relented. She was silent for a long moment. "Do you think that we can make this stop?"
He nodded, silently. "I do. I think we can beat anything. Just have to keep it in check while the rest sort it out."
"All right," Buffy sighed, trying to calm herself. She leaned back into his chest, feeling his warmth. Letting that part of him that adored her back into her mind. It calmed her, filling her with the scent or warm apples and cinnamon and the spice of his skin. She sighed again.
A thought struck her like a tidal wave and she jumped. "Emma!"
The way she said it made Spike's own heart leap. "What is it, Buffy? Something happen?"
"No," she answered, her body quaking, but her voice calming. "But what if I. what if.." Her voice dropped to an almost inaudible whisper. "What if I lose control around them?"
Spike thought for a moment, pulling her closer. Wanting to protect her from that which lay beneath. "Are you afraid that you will hurt them?"
She spun, her face inches from his, full of terror and anger and frustration. "I would never hurt them. Not on purpose. You know that, right?"
"Of course, Pet," Spike whispered, planting soft kisses on her shoulder. "You're a perfect mum to them."
"But I would never hurt you on purpose either. Not anymore. And. I did." The last words were hushed, shaking in the air like leaves in the wind.
Spike held her closer. "What do you want me to do, Pet?"
"Keep them safe, Spike," Buffy whispered, burying her head in his shoulder. "Don't let me hurt them."
"You won't, Love," he answered, pulling him to her, cradling her like she was a child herself.
She sobbed a moment, clinging to him, and then turned her gaze up to meet his, her eyes suddenly resolute. "I want you to kill me if I do. Kill me if I try."
Spike's eyes grew wide, his heart racing and sinking and his stomach doing flip flops. "Buffy?" His voice shook and sounded foreign even to him.
Her hand reached up to cup his cheek. "Spike, they're the ones that deserve saving. If I try to hurt them.. Emma. She's. The World will suffer without her."
"The bloody *World* would suffer without *you*," Spike spit out, trying to control his anger. "You, Love. You *are* my world. I won't let you hurt them, but I am *not* going to kill you."
Buffy swallowed, her other hand finding his cheek, forcing him to look at her. "Spike, if I hurt them. If for no other reason, then I couldn't live with myself. I couldn't look at you. I can't think that I'd." Her eyes spilled huge silver tears. "Please."
He melted under her wet, beautiful eyes. Spike understood that. Knowing that something would be too much to bear. Too much to live with. But he wouldn't let it happen. Never. Slowly, he nodded. "All right, Love. But I will *never* let you hurt them. And I won't let you leave me. Never. All right?"
Buffy nodded, burying her head in his shoulder once more. Something in her head wondered how many moments of this she had left. How many times would she feel like her and be able to find solace in his arms? Fear took her. Fear that she would soon be lost to the darkness. It wasn't that that scared her most. It was losing him. Losing them. Sinking into oblivion and never feeling his arms around her and never knowing her children's kisses and sweetness again.
Falling into the dark alone.
Spike felt her pull her mind away and pulled her closer. "You have to stay with me, Pet. Can't fight this unless you stay with me. Gotta let me help."
She let her head drop onto his shoulder once again. "Don't let me go away."
"I won't, Love," Spike answered, raining desperate kisses on her face. "Never let you go."
To be contd.
Well, what with the snow and the massive cabin fever, I do believe that I will be able to get you three chapters this week. Tonight, Friday and Sunday. Don't hold me to the Friday release, but I will try.
The angst is starting and it will get *very* angsty. But hang on. This is new for me. In the past, I have created drama by separating Buffy and Spike. In this story, they will be together through it all. But what happens to them may seem worse for it.
Still, I am a firm believer in happy endings, so please please don't send me hate mail! You will be handsomely rewarded. And for those of you who have been emailing me about an NC-17 chapter, I am entertaining the idea. If you want it badly enough, I will see what I can do.
Thanks for hanging in there with me. Hope it has been worth the wait!
*Cheery Vibes*, Nimue
"As sick as it sounds, in my little head, there's a little Sunnydale, and a widdle Spike and a widdle Buffy and Spike wubs Buffy." James Marsters 14 July 2002
Title: Falling into Darkness (Chapter Nineteen of The One)
Author: Nimue
Rating: PG -13
Pairing: Buffy/Spike. Most major characters included.
Feedback: Yes, please
For instant notification of fic releases, straight to your mailbox, please visit Always_Everyday@yahoogroups.com . Also, please visit the wonderful fan listing that Rachel put together. Sign up today and link to your website (or just sign up to say hi!). The fan listing can be found at .
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, UPN, Fox... Just Borrowing. (With, of course, the exception of Emma and William, who belong to Buffy and Spike)
Summary: Anya is delivered to La Maison Rouge by the circle of women. The pawn surveys her opponents. Spike teaches Buffy how to control the beast if for only a moment. But at what price?
Falling into Darkness
Anya felt herself step through the portal and her skin seemed to have stayed behind. She looked down upon herself and saw nothing. It made her feel somehow naked. But not in the good, Rupert and a box of chocolate covered strawberries way. In a bad, if I had skin it might crawl sort of way.
There was a silver tether attached to her, Although she couldn't see her or the tether, she knew it was there. She could *feel* it anchoring her to the rest of them. To Willow, in particular. Anya could feel Willow in her head like a mission control.
"Just see what you can find," the red head's voice spoke into her mind.
"And how am I supposed to do that when I can't find me," Anya snarked, taking a step into the rocky landscape.
"Just try, okay?" "Whoever said I cared all that much about Buffy and Spike to do all this," Anya griped as she began her trek through the endless fields of rocks. The screaming didn't bother her. In fact, it was kind of comforting. It was the fact that feet she could not see were getting bruised by the pebbles. Somewhere, she hoped she didn't get un-invisible because she had a pretty good idea that she was naked.
The voice in her head sighed. "So, you want to see Buffy turn into a Vampire and Spike have to raise their poor little children alone? Ooh, or worse yet, Buffy goes all bumpy, Spike loses his mind, and you and Giles have to raise Emma and Will and Giles says that he can't afford any more kids so you can't go to the spa anymore nor can you have anymore of your own." That'll hit her where it hurt, Willow thought.
Anya sighed to herself. "I would have just done it for Buffy and Spike," she whispered to the air. "I mean, superhero, disgustingly happy types that they are, they still are my friends."
"Oh," Willow muttered into Anya's head.
"What am I supposed to be looking for anyway?" Anya asked, hopping as a sharper rock penetrated her non existent foot.
"Dunno, exactly. Signs of Draconius? Maybe with Luke? Any idea of what they're doing."
"You couldn't have dropped me closer to La Maison Rouge?" Anya grouched as she stopped to look around the barren red world of rocks and death.
"Sorry," Dawn's voice chimed in.
"Oh, that's just great," the demon snarked. "Not only am I invisible and naked in hell, but I have the entire Mickey Mouse Club in my head. I tortured some of them you know?"
"You're naked?" Willow asked. Tara nudged her with a patient smile. "I mean, we sent you visible but without clothes."
Anya let out a huge sigh. "No, ,my lesbian friend. I am *both* invisible and naked, thank you very much. But we'll talk about that when I get back. Now cut the crap and tell me where I am.."
The woman moved from her hiding place in the shed and crept along the tree line until she could find a dark patch near the house. She knew she didn't want to be seen, but the interior of the abode was lit up as if it were evening rush, not three am. It was odd.
Slowly, she made her way to the side, her body pressed along the siding of the house. She didn't want to be seen from the road or from inside. She wasn't sure why. Just that it wasn't time they saw her yet. Wasn't time for her to play.
Something sunk in her heart, or what she thought was her heart, as she stood up on her tip toes and looked inside the window. There were three men in there. She recognized them all, but something low and feral in her belly recognized the eldest of them. Something wicked and kind all at once.
In his lap was a baby. Horrid little screaming things, some alien part of her said. But the remnant of her heart felt warm and alive looking at the man leaning back in the chair with the small child sprawled against his chest. They were both asleep. Didn't matter. She didn't know them anyway.
There were two other men. They had been here before. She didn't know how she knew, but she did. Except last time, there weren't any of the little loud people. Well, what had been little loud people. Now they were just little people. The two younger men were back to the window, watching television. An older child, blonde and so very familiar was stretched between them, her head resting on a pillow and her forehead pressed to one of the men's arms. As if touching someone was a comfort. Thing didn't know any better. There was no comfort in others. There was no comfort. Only emptiness and torture and death.
There were two smaller children curled around each other like feral kittens on the couch. One light haired. One dark. The light haired boy was the one with the yellow arm. The one that she recognized before. The eerie familiarity of them all was unnerving, but especially with him. She wanted to care. She wanted to know. But she couldn't. She couldn't be bothered. So, she watched. And thought. And felt the bracelet grow warm against her arm and bring her eyes back to the eldest child.
Pretty little girl. That was the one she was after. All sweetness and light and beauty. Horrid, stupid little girl. Dead. Or whatever the woman's master wanted. It wasn't up to her. Still, that strange familiarity bothered her. At least now she knew. Now she knew why she was in this cold, awful place.
Her.
The little, blonde, ball of light, curled on the floor. She was meant to take it away. Make it gone. She wanted that to seem wrong but it didn't. So she watched.
"You feeling any better, Pet?" Spike asked, rolling over stiffly on the carpet. His body was a mass of bruises and possibly a broken bone or two, but nothing major. It had been worth every second.
She hummed her response, still prone on the floor, her arms stretched out over her head and one beautiful leg cocked out to the side.
"Take that as a yes," he answered, a wicked grin breaking on his face. His hands trailed the length of her stretched torso. She looked none the worse for wear. He'd wondered if that is what it had been like before. When they..when she had been the one coming to him here. Taking him. If she had been as bruised as he was and he was stretched out like the cat that ate the canary. It made him tense.
The same thought wandered through her mind as she turned her head on a neck now as limp as a spaghetti noodle and took in the sight of his body. He was beautiful and pale in the candle light, but she could see the outlines of where her hands had choked his neck. Where her fists had made contact against his ribs. Where her nails had clawed bloody trails down his chest. She breathed, but it was more just a sharp intake of air. Is this what he could have done to her but didn't?
Buffy's hand shook as she reached out, tracing the raging bruises on his ribs. "Spike." she breathed, her mind full of regret. The beast was gone now, but she felt it right below the surface. Waiting. "S'alright, Love," Spike answered, taking her wrist and steadying her hand. "Vampire. Heal up nicely."
"Did I.," Buffy breathed, her fingers running up and down the claw marks. He winced involuntarily. So did she.
Spike's eyes closed, taking in a deep breath. "Not like it wasn't pleasant for me as well. You know I've always liked a little pain chaser."
She sat up, searching for a sheet to cover herself but finding nothing. Her eyes were huge and afraid. He felt it boil inside of her. That fear. She needed to believe this wasn't real. That she could control it. But she couldn't. At least, not without . this. first. "Spike."
She looked so small and cold with her knees drawn to her chest, her arms hugging them tighter as if her legs might drop away if she didn't hold them there. Spike scanned the room, finding a blanket and standing to retrieve it. The crypt was cold in the late December air, but that wasn't what was making her shiver. It was this.
Buffy took the blanket willingly; wrapping it around her shoulders and cuddling it close, as if it was all that attached her to the world. Spike looked at her with sad blue eyes, brushing hair from her face. "Little chilly out here, Pet. Mind if I share?"
She shook her head silently, still staring at the bruises on his beautiful chest. He took the blanket from her, wrapping it around his back and pulling her into his lap, closing it in front of her. Buffy trembled against him, her body cold to the touch. It was worse now. And her fear would bring back the beast if he couldn't calm her.
"Buffy, you didn't hurt me, Love. Wouldn't have let you. Strengths haven't changed. Just roles," Spike comforted, his arms wrapping tighter around him, pressing her against his warm, naked body. Hoping it would warm her own again.
"But I tried," she whispered, almost too quietly to hear.
He kissed her cheek softly. "No, Love. Weren't trying to hurt me. Just got a bit carried away in the moment is all. Not the first time we've banged each other up a bit."
Buffy was silent a long moment. "You could have.. Back before. When this all started with us. You could have hurt me like I hurt you. Couldn't you?"
Spike thought of the right way to answer it. "Didn't exactly let you off the hook easy either, Pet. Seem to remember you leaving her a few nights with a bruise or two."
"Not like this," Buffy answered her voice distant. "I.I don't.I don't remember."
"Don't remember what, Love?" Spike asked. He chuckled in the silence. "You telling me that a round with your worse half is no longer even memorable?"
It brought a smile to her face, if just for a moment. "No, stupid. You're always.memorable." She was quiet, trying to relax back into his chest. She wanted to fall into him. To let him in her mind and to let herself into his and find that which was theirs together. But she was afraid. Terrified that this would change that. Afraid that if she let him in, he'd see her darkness. "But I don't remember. I don't remember hurting you."
"Wasn't arguing the point," Spike responded, burying his face in her hair. "Don't mind it rough."
She turned, straining to look at him. "You don't mind playing rough. You never hurt me. Not like this." She thought for a second, watching his face darken. "Did I say. did I say anything when I was hurting you?"
He cringed, remembering the words coming out of her mouth. Horrible, feral words. Words about sex and violence and his meaning in her life. It reminded him of being her walking sex toy before Emma was born. She rode him into oblivion but it didn't mean a thing. Spike knew that wasn't the case now. Knew in his heart that his Buffy, his love, was still in there. The girl who could break his body with her strength and mend it with her tenderness. The tenderness had just gone missing for the night. "Nothing, Pet," Spike answered. He lied.
"You're lying," she sighed, turning away from him again. "I did."
"Nothing important, Love. I know that it's not you then. it's me. My demon. And you don't know how to control it," Spike whispered, reeling her back against him. She had tried to scoot as far away as she could without losing the blanket. He wouldn't let her. Couldn't let this tear them apart. He felt their connection fading and he couldn't, he *wouldn't* let that happen.
Spike felt her hitch as the first tear streamed down her face. "Spike, I don't know what to do." she whispered softly, her arms drawn tight against her chest.
He pulled her impossibly closer. "I won't lose you, Buffy. I won't let it take you. You know that. You have to trust me."
She turned to face him again, eyes glittering with unshed tears. "How.how do I control it?"
Spike smiled softly. "You're you now, right, Love?" He asked, pushing her hair behind her ear. "My girl?"
She smiled. "Yes."
"So, I guess the righteous shag worked," he snarked, a sly smile painting his lips.
Buffy returned it a moment, but it faded like magic ink. "But not without a price." She turned her face away. He grabbed her chin with his hand and turned her face back to his.
"One that I am willing to pay. I would pay any price to keep you. You know that," he stressed, his eyes so serious and so full of love.
Buffy thought for a moment. "I know," she finally relented. She was silent for a long moment. "Do you think that we can make this stop?"
He nodded, silently. "I do. I think we can beat anything. Just have to keep it in check while the rest sort it out."
"All right," Buffy sighed, trying to calm herself. She leaned back into his chest, feeling his warmth. Letting that part of him that adored her back into her mind. It calmed her, filling her with the scent or warm apples and cinnamon and the spice of his skin. She sighed again.
A thought struck her like a tidal wave and she jumped. "Emma!"
The way she said it made Spike's own heart leap. "What is it, Buffy? Something happen?"
"No," she answered, her body quaking, but her voice calming. "But what if I. what if.." Her voice dropped to an almost inaudible whisper. "What if I lose control around them?"
Spike thought for a moment, pulling her closer. Wanting to protect her from that which lay beneath. "Are you afraid that you will hurt them?"
She spun, her face inches from his, full of terror and anger and frustration. "I would never hurt them. Not on purpose. You know that, right?"
"Of course, Pet," Spike whispered, planting soft kisses on her shoulder. "You're a perfect mum to them."
"But I would never hurt you on purpose either. Not anymore. And. I did." The last words were hushed, shaking in the air like leaves in the wind.
Spike held her closer. "What do you want me to do, Pet?"
"Keep them safe, Spike," Buffy whispered, burying her head in his shoulder. "Don't let me hurt them."
"You won't, Love," he answered, pulling him to her, cradling her like she was a child herself.
She sobbed a moment, clinging to him, and then turned her gaze up to meet his, her eyes suddenly resolute. "I want you to kill me if I do. Kill me if I try."
Spike's eyes grew wide, his heart racing and sinking and his stomach doing flip flops. "Buffy?" His voice shook and sounded foreign even to him.
Her hand reached up to cup his cheek. "Spike, they're the ones that deserve saving. If I try to hurt them.. Emma. She's. The World will suffer without her."
"The bloody *World* would suffer without *you*," Spike spit out, trying to control his anger. "You, Love. You *are* my world. I won't let you hurt them, but I am *not* going to kill you."
Buffy swallowed, her other hand finding his cheek, forcing him to look at her. "Spike, if I hurt them. If for no other reason, then I couldn't live with myself. I couldn't look at you. I can't think that I'd." Her eyes spilled huge silver tears. "Please."
He melted under her wet, beautiful eyes. Spike understood that. Knowing that something would be too much to bear. Too much to live with. But he wouldn't let it happen. Never. Slowly, he nodded. "All right, Love. But I will *never* let you hurt them. And I won't let you leave me. Never. All right?"
Buffy nodded, burying her head in his shoulder once more. Something in her head wondered how many moments of this she had left. How many times would she feel like her and be able to find solace in his arms? Fear took her. Fear that she would soon be lost to the darkness. It wasn't that that scared her most. It was losing him. Losing them. Sinking into oblivion and never feeling his arms around her and never knowing her children's kisses and sweetness again.
Falling into the dark alone.
Spike felt her pull her mind away and pulled her closer. "You have to stay with me, Pet. Can't fight this unless you stay with me. Gotta let me help."
She let her head drop onto his shoulder once again. "Don't let me go away."
"I won't, Love," Spike answered, raining desperate kisses on her face. "Never let you go."
To be contd.