DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, I just parody them using my rudimentary knowledge of psychology.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oh, where do I begin? There is sooooo much to go on here. Anyway, I foresee many chapters if you all are game (and let me know by reviewing), including but not limited to Connor having amnesia, Fred as a nymphomaniac, Jasmine as manic, Buffy as a necrophiliac, Kate as sexually repressed, Lindsey as having an obsession with a certain fanfic author *just for grins*, Dawn as being clinically depressed, and Cordelia as having a conversion disorder. Plus treatments for Angel and Connor, as well as some family therapy.
And since I couldn't decide who to devote this chapter too, we get group therapy for Lorne and Cordelia.
VIDEO TAPE OF SESSION.
The doctor, Lorne, and Cordelia sit in a room, or more accurately, Lorne and the Doctor sit in the room, and Cordelia lies in the room on the psychiatrist's couch, her eyes closed, motionless.
The doctor clears his throat. "Cordelia?" he says. For a moment there is silence, and then Lorne laughs nervously.
"Guess she's not feeling too talk-y, huh?" Lorne says. He puts his hands on his hips in a very effeminate fashion and looks around the room. "You know, Doc," Lorne says. "There's no reason you can't spruce this room up a bit. A few flowers, some textured wallpaper, and *badda bing* you have yourself a spiff-i-fied little office."
The doctor looks thoughtfully at Lorne and then at Cordelia. "Lorne," the doctor says, "when did you first know you were gay?"
Lorne waves his hands in front of the doctor very gracefully. "Don't be silly," he says, sticking out his chest and putting his hands on his hips. "I'm not gay." After a moment, Lorne stares down at the bright blue suit he is wearing.
"Cordelia," the doctor says. "Do you have something you want to say to Lorne?"
Cordy, still lying on the couch, says nothing. She hasn't said a word or so much as opened her eyes for months.
Her silence speaks volumes.
"Did you feel you were accepted by your family as you were as a child?" the doctor asks Lorne.
Lorne takes a handkerchief out of his pocket and wipes the corners of his eyes. "Can we not talk about this now?" he says. "Makes me blue." Lorne suddenly breaks into song. "It's not easy being blue, when you're green," he sings.
The doctor stares at Lorne. "Do you often find that you use music to divert attention away from your emotional needs?" he asks.
Lorne is silent.
Cordelia lies there and says nothing.
Suddenly, Angel bursts into the room, holding a lollipop and skipping around happily. In his other hand he has a translucent white blanket. Giggling fiendishly, he drapes it over Cordelia.
"Angel," the doctor says patiently. "I asked you to stop doing that."
"I'm not Angel," Angel replies. "I'm Pansy today. Have you seen my Barbie?"
END TAPE.
DIAGNOSIS:
LORNE: Emotional connectivity and sexual identity issues.
Lorne seems to be using a façade of being in touch with everyone's emotions around him in order to suppress his own emotions, and hide the truth of his sexuality from those he professes to love. He also uses music as a false norepenephrine agonist in order to cover his own pain. Hypnosis might prove helpful in this case.
CORDELIA: Conversion Disorder.
Cordelia remains emotionless, motionless, and for all intensive purposes, in a vegetative state. It is my opinion that she is suffering from a conversion disorder, in which her emotional issues manifest themselves as physical symptoms, and that this has escalated to a point in which she is physically incapable of a response to external stimuli. ECT (electro-convulsive shock- therapy) may prove helpful, in combination with more group therapy sessions.
ANGEL: UPDATE
"Pansy" has become more extroverted and mischievous and seems to have some sort of fascination with Cordelia.
TBC… REVIEW!