Unable To feel
Chapter Two:
Disclaimer: I do not own Weiss Kreuz… 'nuf said!
Notes: This is actually my first Weiss Kreuz fic so I'm sorry if its not that good. Maybe if I keep at it, the fic will improve… all things improve with time, right? Please review the fic… I'd really appreciate it.
Morning. Aya stiffly rose from his bed, rubbing his eyes that had turned red-rimmed and bloodshot. He vaguely remembered running out of the shop, crying his heart out and returning at one o'clock in the morning, wary of being caught by a certain blonde. Said blonde happened to be the cause of the rare bout of tears that Aya had. Events of the past day flooded back, giving Aya all the more reason to hate this day and the damn headache that came with it. God, he had been so damn stupid. Fucking, stupid prick. How the hell was he supposed to work in the shop today after yesterday's debacle? Damn Youji. Why did he always have to force Aya to run?
He slowly got up from the bed, cursing himself and a few aches and pains due to his restless sleep the night before with dreams of a certain cloned-haired, green-eyed assassin. Walking up to his closet. He got his closed, dressed and went down to the kitchen. He turned on the coffee maker and was to absorbed to notice that Youji had appeared and had sat down on the kitchen table. When he turned around, he gasped and nearly dropped his mug. Luckily, the blonde had his head buried in his hands, probably nursing a hangover. He recalled waking up at 3 a.m. and hearing the blonde staggering up the stairs. Aya was overcome with guilt. He knew that he had been the cause of the man's recent alcohol binge. He mentally kicked himself, knowing that he could have ended yesterday's argument better, but when it came to the blonde playboy, Aya could never seem to control himself, especially when he knew that all of the accusations the blonde had thrown his way were true. He walked past the table, averting his eyes. He went to open up the Koneko not noticing the pained glance the blonde had given him.
Shit. How could he have been so stupid? He usually only drank what he can keep in although he did have a high alcohol tolerance but last night he had overdone it. He got himself as drunk as he could, as wasted as he could, got into a bar fight with a beer-guzzling maniac and staggered to his car, driving home nearly crashing Seven in the process. Dammit. It was all because of Aya. The one person whom he cared about the most to have driven him over the edge. He was usually able to drive properly when he was drunk but last night, that wasn't just the case.
He got up from the bed and dressed, not bothering to fix the sheers or pick up the pillows from last night's restless sleep. He glanced at the clock on his nightstand. 9 o'clock. Fuck. What could possibly have driven him to set the alarm this early? And then it hit him. He had the morning shift. With Aya. He got to the bathroom, brushed his teeth and combed his hair mentally letting loose a stream of curses directed at a certain soccer player who just happened to have gotten him to swift shifts with him to be able to attend a game of the kids. Another game. Damn Ken. At least he had gotten the guy to plead and do his laundry for a month but he had had enough of morning shifts, especially if said morning shifts included a certain unfeeling redhead who just happened to be Youji Kudoh's latest obsession. No scratch that. He had enough from yesterday afternoon. He was just about done in from Aya's stubbornness. He wasn't going to do anything else now. He won't be bothering the redhead anymore. God knows Youji couldn't take another blow to his self-esteem let alone his ego. And oh yeah, he couldn't find the strength to take care of his already aching heart.
Jesus fucking Christ! Why the hell did it have to be Aya who was standing at the kitchen counter? Youji groaned inwardly not expecting to run into him this early. Why couldn't it have been Omi? Or Ken? Yeah right, Omi was at school and Ken had already gone to his fucking soccer game. Damn them. It meant that he would just have to deal. He silently crossed towards the kitchen table, sat down and buried his head in his arms. Fucking hangover. All he wanted was a cup of coffee but he was not about to get one while the redhead was by the coffee maker. He heard Aya pouring coffee into the mug. He heard him turn around and stifle a nearly inaudible gasp when he saw him at the table, but he didn't raise his head. He heard quickening footsteps and just when Aya was about gone, he raised his head and looked at the back of the redhead, pain unmistakably written in his face.
He got up from the table and went to get his own steaming mug of coffee. After gulping it all down, he sat down again and tried to get his thoughts in order. It didn't help that he still had a splitting headache that made him feel like his skull was cracking. He got up to get another mug of coffee, sat down and composed himself. Damn him if he was gonna get up and face Aya looking like some pained bastard or anything. He was going to be civil. Even if it meant pretending that he didn't care anymore. He was going to prove to Aya that he wasn't weak, he was going to show Aya that he could live knowing that Aya didn't care, he was going to show Aya even if it killed him inside, even when he knew that it was just a lie.
Aya tensed when Youji entered the store expecting the blonde to say something about his behavior yesterday. Surprisingly, Youji just walked past him, going towards the shelf that held their displays of arrangements and straightening them up. When he was finished, he went to the back and got to started to work on a couple of arrangements to be picked up at noon. Aya was left alone to man the shop but he didn't mind as there weren't any customers at all and I kept him from facing Youji although he did feel a little hurt by the blonde's uncharacteristic lack of emotion. It pained him to know that Youji was coping while he was still hurting but he had it coming. Pretty stupid of me to feel hurt after coldly brushing him off yesterday. This is all your fault, Fujimiya, and you better live with it. Aya thought mentally berating himself for thinking that the other assassin might want to talk after yesterday's incident. He sighed and slumped at the chair he had pulled next to the cash register. I guess this is it, huh, Youji? He thought to himself. A tear silently fell from his eye. He wiped it off quickly not realizing that it had already fallen. It won't do any good to cry again. He had better keep himself together. It wouldn't be good if he suddenly ended up crying in the middle of the Koneko any time soon. He had made his decision and he had to live with it. He had driven Youji away only to be left with an aching hole inside his heart. The same line kept running over and over again in his mind, almost like a mantra.
You don't deserve him you bastard and you never will. You don't deserve Youji.
Youji was startled to hear a crash coming from the outer area of the shop. He mentally kicked himself and sprang into action, quickly jogging towards the noise to see if anything had gone wrong.
The crashing sound had apparently come from a pot that Aya was attempting to move and had dropped. The redhead was currently in the process of picking up the shards of pottery when he felt another presence next to him. He stiffened when he saw a golden toned hand pick up several shards of pottery. The hand stopped midway sensing the tension in the redhead. Youji sighed and spoke rather quietly.
"Look Aya, its not my fault I had to switch shifts with Ken this morning. I'm sorry if this is making you feel uncomfortable but please just let me help."
"It's okay." Aya muttered, gathering the rest of the shards of broken pottery and throwing them into the trash. He watched as Youji got a broom and dustpan and started to sweep away the mess.
Fucking clumsy bastard. He muttered to himself. What the hell had possessed him to drop the pot? He had been intent on moving the potted plant when he caught a glimpse of Youji at the back room making an arrangement of roses. For some reason he had stopped and felt guilt wrenching him inside. He wanted the other man so badly, but he just couldn't get himself to say it. He was overcome with guilt, he was too tainted, he wasn't good enough for the other man. Almost unknowing, he had dropped the pot earning him a violent crash and a mess to clean-up. He hadn't expected Youji to come and help him that's why he was shocked when he saw Youji helping him.
God, the man was beautiful. The sun hit his hair making it appear like gold. He didn't have his usual eyeglasses so his jade green eyes were visible, full of concentration, intent on sweeping up all the dirt on the shop floor. Youji's skin was a tanned golden brown, his lithe frame was tall, easily a head taller than Aya his muscles well-toned. Aya felt himself drawn to the jade of those eyes. He liked everything about Youji but it was the eyes that drew him. It was so unlike his own, always crinkling up and filling with laughter. Youji's eyes never turned cold, except on missions. It was always full of joy but when you looked deep into it, you can see the extent of the pain the man had experienced. Youji glanced at Aya, catching the younger man looking at him. Aya quickly averted his gaze and went to the back to retrieve another pot to place the fallen plant in.
When he got back to the shop, he got the plant inside the pot and Youji poured in the soil he had just swept up. Youji carefully carried it to its place. He walked back up to Aya and said quietly.
"Look, this isn't working too well and I don't blame you. Were both on edge and I know you know it too," Youji looked at Aya and caught his eyes.
"Maybe you should go rest up, Aya. I'll take care of the shop. There aren't any customers anyway and Ken and Omi will be back in time to help out if the place gets too crowded. Go on, it's okay." Aya started to shake his head, to refuse the blonde's offer but he was cut off by Youji. "It's okay aya. I'll be okay," he smiled sadly at the redhead and walked towards the counter.
When Youji looked back, Aya had already gone off.
Aya had just woken up from a nap. It was night and he knew that the Koneko had already closed. He hadn't gone out of his room since his morning shift with Youji. He had taken to staying in his room, reading. When he had finished his novel, he had gone off to sleep a little. The inexplicable feeling of someone watching him waked him. He groggily opened his eyes and let it adjust to the dark. A pale stream of light was visible from the doorway where the silhouette of Youji was discernible. Aya held his breath and sat up.
"You're awake," Youji murmured.
"How long have you been watching me?" Aya asked coldly, aware of the feelings surfacing inside him. He hadn't expected o find Youji in his room when he woke up. Youji slowly went from his post at the doorway towards a chair in the corner of Aya's room. The room was dark and the light spilling from the hallway was not enough to illuminate the lanky frame of the blonde sitting in the corner. Aya watched him and waited for a response. When none came, he repeated his question inserting more venom into the words. "How long have you been watching me?" he hissed at the man.
Aya heard Youji sigh. "Not long. I just came here to apologize." Aya was stunned. He hadn't expected to hear that.
"For what?" He heard himself reply.
"For yesterday." Aya caught some movement from Youji's corner and saw the man raise his head. Even though they were surrounded by darkness, Aya was able to meet Youji's gaze. He saw the pain and confusion in the jade green eyes and Aya wanted nothing more than to walk towards him and say that he loved him but he reminded himself that he can't. Youji was not for hi, never will be. Youji did not deserve someone as tainted as he already is. A few seconds passed and Youji resumed speaking.
"I'm sorry to have said all those things Aya. I don't want to hurt you but don't expect me to take them back," the blonde said quietly pain distinct in his tone of voice.
"I'm sorry if I bothered you and I promise it won't happen again but you have to understand that what I feel won't change. I guess it never will."
Aya felt his throat go dry and felt the guilt coursing through his body. It pained him to hear the hurt in Youji's voice. He felt grieved that he had caused the blonde so much pain yet he still couldn't bring himself to tell Youji the truth. He doesn't deserve you. Aya kept repeating the words over and over in his head. He broke their gazes and concentrated on staring at his hands which were now clenched tightly in his sheets.
A few minutes later he raised his head expecting to find the room empty save for himself but was surprised that the blonde now stood over him. He found himself drawn to Youji's eyes and was shocked when he felt soft lips graze his own. The touch was fleeting and Aya wanted the softness back. He closed his eyes and felt Youji's lips next to his ear and heard the words which caused him to open his eyes in pain and shock as the reality of the words hit his senses. Youji placed his hand on his arm and silently whispered to his ear,
"I still love you, Aya Fujimiya." Having said it all, he pressed another soft kiss to the redhead's forehead and turned to walk quietly away.
"Youji, wait…" Aya said it before he could stop himself. Youji stopped and turned back towards him, eyes full of confusion.
"I'm sorry…" Aya stammered, his voice breaking with the intensity of the gaze set upon him. "I…" but he was cut off by the sound of the door chimes tinkling. Both he and Youji glanced outside the room wondering who was the visitor when they heard a clipped female voice announce, "Mission Time."
It was Manx.