"What His Crimson Eyes Believe In3" an Eva fic by AngelDragon
Hmm, well, it's been a while, ne? Profusely sorry all, really I am, for not updating this fic.. But I have found a little solution to my idiotic pc problem for now, so this'll work, I suppose. Many thanks to any and all who've read this and kept track, thanks much to May, Koneko and Kiwi-san for kicking me in the ass enough to keep after this ^^
Okay, the usual warnings apply: this is rated R for a reason, since it deals with shonen-ai/yaoi, language and such, so you've been warned.. Can't think of much else to say here, since I've been away from my serious stuff for a while, except I hope you enjoy and sorry for the length of the chapters.. Oh, these: blah are thoughts, just so you know. And as usual, I don't own Eva, but this fic is mine..
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Chapter 3: Tumbling Down
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I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose.
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose.
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night.
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light.
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January, 2019
(Kaworu's Diary Entries)
January 2/ Oh kami.. It's been almost four months since I first saw Dr. Yukito. I've been numb and sick with fevers off and on since then. He thinks he's figured it out now, thanks to what I could tell him I remembered and Misato to back me up. I wish Shinji and I had gone somewhere like we did a couple years or so ago. It felt good to surf the waves and relax with Shinji. I miss that. I hadn't felt very well, so we just couldn't go last year. We'd planned on going to Oahu, Hawaii in America. I'd always wanted to try the Banzai Pipeline. We got Christmas presents from Misato and Sakura. I think Shinji got some books he'd wanted and an anime poster from that cute little show that he likes. The one with the little white wolf Riiya. I watch the old DVDs with him sometimes. I got him some new music for his little player. I got some more manga novels, a stoneware mug with wolves painted in silver on it and Shinji got me a book of sheet music that had a lot of the older classical music in it along with a few newer songs. I had no idea you could play rock music on strings. Violin strings, anyway.
When I felt better I'd go sit in the living room after I did my homework and play. Sometimes Shin-chan would play with me. (and I know that could be taken a few different ways) Poor Shin-chan. He was invited to a New Year's party by some American transfer-student friends of his. But I couldn't keep much down yesterday and he'd decided to stay home and take care of me. He's so sweet. I feel bad that he's not going out after school much. I'm writing this in bed now. Shinji's bringing me some hot green tea and soup. He said that hot things are good for you when you're sick. I hope so. My head's kind of spinning and I have to breathe through my mouth. I hate this!
January 8/ Today. Today was the day Dr. Yukito told me what all those damn needles and embarrassing prodding tests found. It took him quite a while. He wanted to be absolutely sure he'd gotten it right. I had to go in to see him and Shin-chan had to help me a little. I had some trouble walking. It was so embarrassing, but I had to do it. I wanted to know. I think Shinji and I were both stunned.
From what he could gather, sensei said that there was a sort of reverse gene therapy going on inside me. There aren't any records left on what Seele did or how they made me or what they did to me, specifically. Ayanami/Yui-kun saw to that when she got rid of a few other things as well. But sensei says it was produced by my own system and it's not something I caught somewhere. Poor Shinji thought he'd given it to me. (I don't know why. We'd never had sex with anyone other than each other. And this definitely wasn't a flu or something like that, either)
It's not very promising I guess. Sensei wants to start me on an experimental treatment to try and stop it. That means more needles and maybe even a stay in the hospital. I don't want that. I'll admit that I'm afraid. Even after all the things I fought against and won, I can still feel fear. I thought that when Seele was.. dealt with and all, that I was free. That I could finally start living like the Angel of Free Will that I am. I should have known better. I have eaten from the Tree of Knowledge and I can't close my eyes anymore..
(Sometime Later That Month)
"Hey Kao-chan. I got an e-mail from Misato. She wants to know how you're doing," Shinji called from his seat at their computer in the living room.
Kaworu shuffled up the hall into the kitchen in his pjs and slippers. He looks so groggy Shinji thought as he caught a glimpse of Kaworu before he'd been hidden by the cabinets and counter. He heard the fridge being opened and liquid being poured into a glass then a cough as Kaworu came into the living room to sit on the couch.
"What should I tell her?" Shinji asked.
Kaworu sniffled and clicked on the TV as he took a sip of orange juice. "Tell her the truth. I feel like hell. I'm either in various degrees of pain or parts of me go numb for Kami-knows how long. My head feels like I've got cotton shoved into every available sinus cavity. And my digestive system continues to betray me in both directions at various times of the day."
Shinji looked at his koi with concern. He had his legs drawn up and had pulled the throw blanket over him while he channel surfed with a dull look. This isn't like him. I'm not sure what to say now "Umm.. I'll just tell her you're still not feeling any better." His delicate fingers quickly tapped out his response to their sort-of guardian.
"You didn't go to school today," Kaworu stated as he drank more of his juice.
"I know. I.. Just felt like staying home today. That's all," Shinji replied. Kaworu turned his scruffy gray head to stare at him.
"Shin-chan. I'll still be here when you come home, you know." He sighed. "You should keep going. You've already been absent most of this week. Your teachers will start to call you a delinquent or something."
"So let them. I'll go tomorrow. Today I want to stay with you." Shinji sent his mail and logged off then sat on the couch with Kaworu. "How about I rent us some movies? I know we can't go out to one yet.."
"That sounds fine. I'll keep the couch warm for you," Kaworu told him. Shinji got up and pulled on his jacket and took the keys from the hook by the kitchen.
"Are you sure you'll be okay?" he asked as he came over to Kaworu with a doubting look. Kaworu gave him a small grin and sigh. "I'll be fine. Go rent something good," he said as Shinji leaned in for a little kiss.
Soon they were splitting a bowl of popcorn on the couch as they watched one of their favorite sci-fi DVDs. By the time the popcorn was mostly gone, they were on their next one. Shinji was sitting so that Kaworu's legs were across his lap and he was gently rubbing his feet to help him get the feeling back in them. Before bedtime though, he was losing his light dinner and was shaking from the effort of it. Shinji thought a nice hot soak would help so he drew Kaworu a bath and got in with him to relax, after they scrubbed off. Afterwards they went to sleep fairly easily since poor Kaworu was tired most of the time anyway.
(Sometime in February)
In the middle of the night, Shinji was awoken by Kaworu's pained coughing. He sat up and turned on the bedside lamp.
"Kao-chan are you alright?" he asked. Kaworu hacked deeply as he pulled himself up into a sitting position and kept his mouth covered.
Shinji put a gentle hand on Kaworu's shoulder while his koi grabbed a tissue. He heard him groan after he wiped his mouth and Kaworu turned to him with pain and fear in his eyes. "Shin-chan.." he said softly. Shinji could see that he had coughed up blood. His eyes widened and his pulse quickened. "W-we have to get you to the hospital! Now!"
"I.. I can't, Shin-chan. You know why.." Kaworu said wearily.
"I'll call Dr. Yukito. He'll know where I can take you. No one will find out about you, don't worry!" Shinji quickly got to the phone and dialed the emergency number the doctor had given him.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Uhh.. Itai! This hurts, Shinji-kun!" Kaworu moaned while he held his stomach while sitting in the wheelchair. A nurse was wheeling Kaworu back to a triage room while Shinji trailed along beside. Dr. Yukito and a couple of his assistant nurses met the couple at a hospital that practiced good privacy policies and managed to keep Kaworu's secrets from them.
"I know Kaworu-kun. I'll stay here with you," Shinji said as he tried to keep out of their way. Standing to the side he watched the doctor and his nurses check Kaworu over after hustling him into a bed. They stripped his pajama top from him and asked all sorts of questions and Shinji winced when the doctor pressed on his koi's sensitive tummy and caused Kaworu to cry out in pain. A few seconds later while they were hooking up an I.V port in his arm, Kaworu sat up coughing wetly so hard he ended up trying to throw up but there wasn't anything in his stomach.
A nurse gently pushed him back to the bed and wiped the blood from around his mouth. He was breathing hard and Shinji could see a few tears slip from the corners of Kaworu's tightly closed eyes.
"What - is - this?!" Kaworu panted. He felt his vitals being taken and orders for various medical things were batted back and forth over his supine form.
"Nagisa-san, try to relax. We're doing everything we can to find out now. Shuichi-san why don't you take Ikari-san to the private waiting room and ask him some questions?" Kaworu heard Dr. Yukito's soothing voice say. He groaned and turned away from the latex gloved hand that was trying to hold his chin to look at his eyes and force open his mouth. "Don't go.." he called to Shinji as the hand caught him again and swabbed the inside of his mouth. He gagged a little when the offending swab hit the back of his throat.
"I'll be right back, Kaworu-kun. I promise," he heard Shinji say and heard the shuffling of feet and clothes that marked Shinji and the nurse's departure. He winced as they drew more blood from him.
Shinji anxiously answered Shuichi's questions and paced around after the nurse had left to report back to Dr. Yukito. Kami, this is taking forever! A little while later the doctor himself came in to talk to him about Kaworu.
"Ikari-san I'll be honest with you. He should've been admitted sooner."
"I know sensei. But.. He hates hospitals and things like that," Shinji explained. "He thought that just going to your office for the treatments would be enough."
"I understand that Ikari-san. You've both had your share of stays in them, haven't you? Misato-san tells me that you almost lost him in your last battle," Dr. Yukito said as he flipped through Kaworu's chart.
"Yeah. He was badly hurt and in a coma for a while," Shinji said softly as he hugged himself and looked down at his sneakers.
"Well, he's starting to become dehydrated. And the damage is beginning to affect his lungs."
"What about the, um, the blood?" Shinji asked warily. Do I want to know?
"Well, that's partly the lungs and also because of acid damage from the vomiting. That's also why his stomach is hurting him. Plus his muscles just aren't getting much of a break from it all."
"So.. What happens now sensei?" Shinji asked. He sat heavily in a chair with his head resting on his folded arms across his knees. I'll just start losing it anytime now..
"He needs to be admitted tonight for observation Ikari-san. He can go home tomorrow night but I want to get some fluids back into him intravenously and get his system to settle down a bit, alright?"
"Um, okay. C-can I see him now?" Shinji asked.
Dr. Yukito led the way back to Kaworu's bed and Shinji saw him sitting propped up with a pillow and looking upset. He was rubbing his arm around the I.V port and making a face.
"I gave him a slight painkiller, Ikari-san. How are you feeling now, Nagisa-san?" Dr. Yukito asked.
"It still hurts a little," Kaworu said softly as he held his stomach again. "Can I go home now? I'm beat."
Dr. Yukito told Kaworu about staying overnight and Kaworu's red eyes widened as he practically yelled, "NO! No more needles!" He started to cough as he panted from being anxious. "I - want - to go - home - now! Please - don't - make me - stay!" He pleaded with Shinji and the doctor and started to try and get up but couldn't muster the strength. He sank back against the pillows and groaned. "Dammit!"
Shinji drew the blanket up to Kaworu's shoulders as Dr. Yukito carefully injected something into Kaworu's I.V.
"What's that?" Shinji asked him.
"Just a mild sedative to help him relax. You can come up with him to his room. I've already got him all set," the doctor replied. "But you can't stay the night I'm afraid."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"But, Shin-chan.. Please stay with me," Kaworu said softly. He was lying in his hospital bed in his quiet, private room and was slowly succumbing to the sedative. Dr. Yukito and Shuichi were waiting in the hall so Shinji and Kaworu could say goodnight. Kaworu's gentle crimson eyes were half-closed and he yawned as Shinji stood by his bedside and stroked his soft gray hair.
"I can't tonight Kao-chan. Gomenasai koibito," Shinji said as he sniffled and wiped at his eyes. "But I'm sure you'll be okay. It's only for one night."
"I don't want to be alone.. We haven't slept apart for such a long time..," Kaworu said sleepily. I feel so floaty right now. An' tired..
"I know. It'll be alright though. I-I don't like this either. But I'll be back to take you home tomorrow, okay?" Shiji said. He bent down to brush gray bangs aside to plant a light kiss on Kaworu's forehead. He stroked his pale cheek and sniffled again.
"Okay Shin-chan.. I'm so tired.." Kaworu said as he nuzzled Shinji's hand weakly.
"Then rest. Use tonight to recover and relax. Oyasuminasai Kao-chan." He kissed the soft cheek, too afraid to hug him for fear of causing any more pain. "Ai suru. Itsumo.."
"O-oyasumi.. Shin-chan. I-I love you too.." Kaworu said as his eyes slammed shut. Shinji gently squeezed Kaworu's hand then left, too upset to look back.
Dr. Yukito and Shuichi bid Shinji goodnight and told him when visiting hours were, then went into Kaworu's room for a final check to make sure everything was dripping right and that Kaworu was warm and comfy.
"Wan'.. Shin-chan.." Kaworu mumbled as he turned on his side with a groan.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Shinji went home and slumped into the armchair in the living room. Thinking about Kaworu, all alone in a place he hated, the events from a few years ago came back to him in a rush and he just started crying. He sat there for quite a while, he had no idea what time it was when he finally calmed down enough to call Misato. In between sobs, he told her what'd happened.
"Oh Shinji.. I-I'm so sorry," she said into the phone. Shinji's call had woken her and she was sitting up in bed, half-awake. "Look, I'm sure he'll be fine." Yeah, that was sure convincing
"I'm gonna lo-lose him, Mi-Misato!" Shinji said, his voice hitching. "W- what'm I gonna - do now?! I ca-an't even help h-im!"
Misato sighed, running a hand over her face. What do I say to him? He was such a wreck the last time "Listen to me Shinji. You're going to go lay down and get some sleep. You're in no condition to think about this now, okay?" She heard the distraught boy sniffle and groan.
"You're - you're right Misato. G-gomenasai for waking you," Shinji said, sniffling. "Oyasumi."
"Oyasumi, Shinji. Go to sleep now and call me tomorrow if you need to talk or anything, okay?" Misato asked him.
"Sure. I'll try," Shinji said softly. "Bye.." He hung up and went into the bedroom. He shucked off his clothes and shoes in a daze then crawled under the covers after clicking off the lamp. He rolled onto his side and cuddled Kaworu's pillow to him, crying himself to sleep as he pretended to hold his koibito.
While Shinji slept, his Kaworu dreamt. Or at least what he thought was a dream. There was darkness again, which made him afraid that he was in the void again. No warmth, no Shinji, no light. That was hell to him. But then he saw stars overhead and looked down to see the flat roof of a large building below him. Why am I dreaming this? It's not the same as before He was even still in his pjs.
"You're not in a dream. You're projecting your spiritual self," came a soft, almost monotone voice off to his right. He turned sharply to regard it. Floating in mid-air was Rei Ayanami in her school uniform, looking at him curiously. "Konnichi wa, Nagisa-kun. Or should I say Tabris-kun?"
"I am both, Ayanami/Yui-kun. What are you doing here?" he asked her as he 'sat' in mid-air. "And why am I doing this?"
"I was on this plane of existence and felt a strong AT field. You're the only Tenshi left, so I came to see what was wrong." She cocked her pale blue head to the side. "As for why you're projecting, it must be an unconscious desire to leave where you are. Are things not going well for you and Ikari-kun?"
Kaworu looked away from her direct gaze. "No.. I'm afraid not." He filled her in and she listened intently. When he was finished, he was aware of the fact that he was crying, even in this ghostly form. "So now you see."
She was quiet for a moment, looking off to the tall, partly lit buildings in the distance. "Yes, I see. I feel for you, Nagisa-kun. Yui-san is concerned for Ikari-kun's safety. Let's go see him," she said quietly, before sailing off. Kaworu sighed and followed her. Maybe that's why I projected, to go back home to Shinji
They found themselves in the darkened bedroom, floating over the floor, their bodies glowing slightly with a pale light. They were watching Shinji sleep, fitfully twitching in his slumber and making distressed noises.
"He's very upset. But Yui-san knows that it's because he loves you that he allows himself to be tortured so much," Ayanami said, floating closer to the bed.
Kaworu felt a pang of guilt as he approached Shinji. He gently stroked a cheek, noting that Shinji relaxed slightly, almost as if he'd felt his touch. Encouraged, Kaworu moved to 'sit' beside him and stroked his head, watching him continue to calm down. Closing his astral eyes, Kaworu relaxed as well and began to quietly hum as he comforted his koi. Soon, Shinji's breathing settled as he fell into deep sleep and Kaworu ceased his song and bent down to brush phantom lips against Shinji's quiet ones.
"Gomenasai, Shin-chan," he whispered. "Oyasumi." He reluctantly turned to Ayanami, who smiled slightly. "Yui-san is happier now. We can go now, Nagisa-kun," she said softly.
They returned to the hospital and were now in Kaworu's room, watching his body sleep. He was a little stunned. This feels very weird. I'm standing outside of myself Ayanami drifted closer to him. "You should go back to sleep now, Nagisa-kun. He'll be alright now," she said.
"But how? I'm not even sure how I did this in the first place," Kaworu said. What if I can't - fix it?
"Relax your AT field. You project yourself with it. It's another form of defense, under stressful conditions," Ayanami said calmly, gesturing to Kaworu's unconscious form. "Obviously, this is a stressful condition, ne?"
Kaworu smiled sadly as he said, "You're right. And if I didn't know better, I'd almost say you were developing a sense of humor, Ayanami/Yui- kun."
"Another new experience in my new life, Nagisa-kun," Ayanami said with a slight smile. "Rest now. Ikari-kun wants you to get better." Kaworu nodded and said goodnight as he closed his eyes and relaxed completely, falling back into himself to sleep, deeply and with pleasant dreams, just like Shinji.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(Kaworu's Diary Entries)
March 13/ It was a little cool this morning and I was feeling a little better today. Shinji and I went to the park since we hadn't been able to go outside together for a while. He insisted I bundle up a little so I wouldn't get worse. He's been pretty protective of me lately. I think I scared him when I had to go for that night in the hospital last month. Sakura was rather upset when I e-mailed her about it and wanted to know if there was anything she could do to help, but of course, she can't. I'm not sure anyone can help me.. Is this terminal? Who knows? I don't know if sensei's treatments are working yet or not.
March 20/ I'm almost ready to graduate, I was told today while I was catching up on my online classes. Only a couple more months to go, since I'm a bit behind because of my illness. I should've graduated last year, since I'm a Junior now. (AN: Japanese Juniors are equivalent to American Seniors, they have only 3 yrs. of high school) I hope I can keep this up, I've just been so tired lately. Shinji is reluctantly going back to school these days to catch up himself and I'm glad. I'm just hoping his teachers won't judge him too harshly. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately and I've discussed them with Misato, since I don't want to trouble poor Shin-chan. I don't want him to be any more depressed about things than he already is.
(Sometime in April)
"Itai! Yukito-sensei, is this really necessary?" Kaworu asked wearily.
"As always, Nagisa-san. I can't administer the treatment without it," Dr. Yukito told him patiently. It was the same exchange at the beginning of each session, but the doctor knew it was Kaworu's way of saying, 'I'll tolerate this, but I don't have to like it.' Kaworu was reclining in a comfortable padded chair as the doctor set up an I.V. port in the outside of his arm, then hooked up a bag of slightly milky fluid to it. He hung it from a hooked metal pole attached to the side of the headrest. Kaworu sighed and looked to the window.
"I'll send Shuichi-san in to start the next part in an hour, Nagisa-san. The TV remote and magazines are to your left, as usual. Are you thirsty yet?"
"No, but I know I will be after Shuichi gets here," Kaworu replied. The doctor nodded, understanding, as he closed the door of the treatment room when he left. Kaworu frowned and turned on the TV. He was always uncomfortable when he came in for his treatments and Shinji wouldn't be back until it was all over. He'd insisted that Shinji take a break and go eat lunch while he was stuck here and so that was where he was now.
The hour went by and Shuichi came in and pulled up a chair, then hooked up another bag. Kaworu turned to regard him with a tired look.
"How are you today, Shuichi-san?" he asked with a yawn.
"I'm fine, Nagisa-san. How're you feeling today?" Shuichi asked as he adjusted the flow of the I.V. and picked up the first syringe of the next part of the treatment.
"Tired," Kaworu replied and looked away as Shuichi quietly injected the contents into the port, following it up with another, filled with an odd, slightly fluorescent green liquid. Then he sat back to wait, watching TV with Kaworu. A little while later, Kaworu groaned and his eyes widened as he gripped the arms of the chair. Shuichi sat up and clicked the stopwatch to carefully time Kaworu's reaction.
Kaworu blinked and swallowed hard as it started to kick in, feeling a metallic taste in his mouth and an excessively warm feeling spreading throughout his body. His pulse rate quickened and his chest felt tight as he groaned again and began to pant. I HATE this part! He was restless in the chair, fidgeting his legs and tossing his head from side to side as Shuichi kept his eyes on the watch. A little cry escaped Kaworu as the pain spread out over him and he squeezed his eyes shut as he gasped for breath.
"Almost done, Nagisa-san. Hang in there," Shuichi said. He had to add the stabilizer at just the right time or the treatment would send Kaworu into cardiac arrest. As Kaworu arched his back, clenched the chair and cried out between pants, the watch beeped and Shuichi quickly jabbed the last syringe into the port, sending the medication home about ten minutes after he'd began the timer. After about a minute, Kaworu began to relax, slumping in the chair with half closed eyes as he wheezed, trying to catch his breath.
He felt Shuichi quickly check his vitals and then heard him setting up a juice box for him, like usual. It helped to take the taste out of his mouth and he was always cotton-mouthed after these things, so it slaked his thirst, too. He drank from the little straw deeply as Shuichi kindly held the box for him, since he was exhausted and needed another hour to recover.
"Th-thanks.. Sh-Shuichi-san.." Kaworu said hoarsely after he'd drained the juice box. He closed his eyes as he started to shiver a little and brought his arms across his chest. Another side effect; a sudden drop of body temperature. Shuichi calmly brought a blanket up over Kaworu and tucked it around him, then turned the flow of the I.V. down a little.
"Relax now, Nagisa-san. You'll warm up now and in a little while you can go home. You don't have to do this for another month, just keep that in mind," Shuichi said to the yawning Kaworu. He was still achy, but too sleepy to care. "I'll tell Dr. Yukito how you did and he'll come to see you in a bit." Shuichi cleaned up the empty syringes and so on, then left Kaworu alone to sleep it off, turning the harsh fluorescent lights off as he went. Warm dappled sunlight filtered through the window to gently soothe Kaworu's chilled body and he breathed a sigh of relief that, for now, it was all over..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Kaworu was awoken by gentle strokes of his hair and opened his eyes to see Shinji looking at him with a slight smile.
"Hey there, sleepyhead. Ready to go home now?" Shinji asked softly.
"Always," Kaworu replied as he sat up, slightly nauseous and achy. He noticed the I.V. port was gone and a small bandage was in its place. Sighing, he drew his light blanket around him and Dr. Yukito knocked as he came in to talk to them a little. He gave Kaworu a refill on his anti- nausea meds and told him to take it easy for a while, since the treatments were almost like chemotherapy; designed to retard and hopefully halt his disease altogether. Kaworu found it hard to be optimistic these days, but he tried anyway. As long as I still have Shin-chan, Misato and Sakura, I'll be able to put up with this
He leaned on his dark-haired partner for support as they left the doctor's office. The long drive home was very quiet, with Kaworu leaning against the rolled up passenger side window, absently watching the rain falling around them, sliding past the windshield and his own window. The steady 'thump, thump.. thump, thump' of the wipers, the soft rush of the heater coming on and the clicking of the turn signals as Shinji navigated his way back to their apartment building were the only sounds for most of the trip.
When they were stopped at a red light, Kaworu quietly shared his fear with Shinji. "I think I'm dying, Shin-chan.."
It was a good thing they were stopped, or else Shinji might've run into someone, in shock. "W-what do you mean by that, Kaworu?!"
"I mean, that I don't think sensei's treatments are working; when it comes to stopping my deterioration," Kaworu went on calmly. "My lungs are still acting up and I still can't walk very well without help. I still have a lot of my other problems, too." He sighed and a honk from behind them jolted Shinji back to reality and he set the car in motion again.
"T-that doesn't necessarily mean anything," Shinji stammered. "M-maybe it just takes a while to really, you know, show that it's working."
I don't want to take away his hope.. But I'm just afraid that it's a false hope "Shin-chan, it's been almost three months though - " he began, but Shinji cut him off, saying, "Kao-chan, give it a little more time before you give up, onegai?! You've gotta try, anyway. So, c'mon now, okay? Remember what we said before? That we'd watch each other's backs and we'd be there for each other?" Kaworu said, "Yes, but - ," but Shinji cut him off again.
"Well, I'm not gonna leave you and I'm not calling this a lost cause until - until I'm sure. Are you with me? For - for now, at least?"
Kaworu sighed, but quietly said, "Alright Shin-chan, I'm with you. For now." He knew better than to push it, because when Shinji was determined, he was a little stubborn and wanted to take care of his Kao-chan, in spite of it all. He loved his pouty koibito and slid a hand onto his thigh in appeasement. "Gomen, Shin-chan. Let's just relax a while.." he said as they arrived home at last.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(Kaworu's Diary Entries)
June 6/Today, my gentle, caring koibito turns 18 and catches up to me again. I wish I could've given him a better, more 'exciting' birthday, so to speak, but I had to be careful this time. Sweet as he was, Shinji told me he didn't mind. So we took it nice and slow and still managed to make the experience enjoyable. Also, I got my diploma in the mail today. I'm a high school graduate now! Shinji was very happy and I called Misato and Sakura to share. They congratulated me and said they were glad to hear I was feeling a little better.
Shin-chan had his own graduation last month, finally caught up with all his teachers. He wasn't top of his class, but neither am I. Just because I'm an Angel, it doesn't mean I'm a fountain of knowledge. But we both got good grades and I'm proud of us. Misato is helping me set up another surprise, too. I just hope we'll be able to make it come together in time..
September 13/Happy birthday to me.. It was the best one I've ever had. I got a few presents from Shinji, Misato and Sakura, of course, but I think the best one was the look on Shin-chan's face when I told him what Misato & I'd been planning; our special ceremony. Misato had pulled some strings and got all the legal paperwork set for us to sign and, well, we signed them. I wished I'd been feeling well enough to give Shinji the whole ceremony, with the formal Japanese clothes and all, but I had to settle for the papers and Shinji sliding a silver band on my finger. He kept his engagement ring, instead of a plain band like mine. Misato was our witness and I said my vows to him:
'My dearest koibito. You've stuck by me through the past years, sharing your life with me, through pain and sadness as well as pleasure and joy. I remember our beginnings and how we almost lost each other. It scared me terribly to think that I'd never again get to see you, hold you, hear your heartbeat as we fell asleep or taste the anticipation on your lips every time I kissed you.
You are my joy and you are what makes all the pain I endure worthwhile. For if one knows no pain, then how can one know what happiness truly is? So pain is necessary, I'm afraid, in one form or degree or other. But I don't mind it. At least not very much anyway, because you're still here with me and that's all that matters.
So I promise to love, honor and cherish you, itsumo, for however long we have left together. And I know you feel the same, because you've told me so, always letting me know it and hear it, so I don't give up too easily. I thank you for that and that you love me so much to put yourself through hell with concern for me. We may both be strong alone - but we're unbreakable together. I've never regretted my decision to stand against it all with you. You changed my life forever and I am honored to be your partner, Ikari-Nagisa Shinji-kun.'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Well, that's it for chapter three, one more to come. (I already have this written out in a tablet, it's just taking me forever to type it right now, with my pc restrictions. . ) But I will put it up, please be patient? (And I know about the overwhelming sap factor in my K & S fics, sorry, can't help it! They're my favorite couple, what can I say?) Anyway, hope you enjoyed and please review? Arigato for your time, minnasan!
Hmm, well, it's been a while, ne? Profusely sorry all, really I am, for not updating this fic.. But I have found a little solution to my idiotic pc problem for now, so this'll work, I suppose. Many thanks to any and all who've read this and kept track, thanks much to May, Koneko and Kiwi-san for kicking me in the ass enough to keep after this ^^
Okay, the usual warnings apply: this is rated R for a reason, since it deals with shonen-ai/yaoi, language and such, so you've been warned.. Can't think of much else to say here, since I've been away from my serious stuff for a while, except I hope you enjoy and sorry for the length of the chapters.. Oh, these: blah are thoughts, just so you know. And as usual, I don't own Eva, but this fic is mine..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chapter 3: Tumbling Down
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose.
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose.
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night.
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
January, 2019
(Kaworu's Diary Entries)
January 2/ Oh kami.. It's been almost four months since I first saw Dr. Yukito. I've been numb and sick with fevers off and on since then. He thinks he's figured it out now, thanks to what I could tell him I remembered and Misato to back me up. I wish Shinji and I had gone somewhere like we did a couple years or so ago. It felt good to surf the waves and relax with Shinji. I miss that. I hadn't felt very well, so we just couldn't go last year. We'd planned on going to Oahu, Hawaii in America. I'd always wanted to try the Banzai Pipeline. We got Christmas presents from Misato and Sakura. I think Shinji got some books he'd wanted and an anime poster from that cute little show that he likes. The one with the little white wolf Riiya. I watch the old DVDs with him sometimes. I got him some new music for his little player. I got some more manga novels, a stoneware mug with wolves painted in silver on it and Shinji got me a book of sheet music that had a lot of the older classical music in it along with a few newer songs. I had no idea you could play rock music on strings. Violin strings, anyway.
When I felt better I'd go sit in the living room after I did my homework and play. Sometimes Shin-chan would play with me. (and I know that could be taken a few different ways) Poor Shin-chan. He was invited to a New Year's party by some American transfer-student friends of his. But I couldn't keep much down yesterday and he'd decided to stay home and take care of me. He's so sweet. I feel bad that he's not going out after school much. I'm writing this in bed now. Shinji's bringing me some hot green tea and soup. He said that hot things are good for you when you're sick. I hope so. My head's kind of spinning and I have to breathe through my mouth. I hate this!
January 8/ Today. Today was the day Dr. Yukito told me what all those damn needles and embarrassing prodding tests found. It took him quite a while. He wanted to be absolutely sure he'd gotten it right. I had to go in to see him and Shin-chan had to help me a little. I had some trouble walking. It was so embarrassing, but I had to do it. I wanted to know. I think Shinji and I were both stunned.
From what he could gather, sensei said that there was a sort of reverse gene therapy going on inside me. There aren't any records left on what Seele did or how they made me or what they did to me, specifically. Ayanami/Yui-kun saw to that when she got rid of a few other things as well. But sensei says it was produced by my own system and it's not something I caught somewhere. Poor Shinji thought he'd given it to me. (I don't know why. We'd never had sex with anyone other than each other. And this definitely wasn't a flu or something like that, either)
It's not very promising I guess. Sensei wants to start me on an experimental treatment to try and stop it. That means more needles and maybe even a stay in the hospital. I don't want that. I'll admit that I'm afraid. Even after all the things I fought against and won, I can still feel fear. I thought that when Seele was.. dealt with and all, that I was free. That I could finally start living like the Angel of Free Will that I am. I should have known better. I have eaten from the Tree of Knowledge and I can't close my eyes anymore..
(Sometime Later That Month)
"Hey Kao-chan. I got an e-mail from Misato. She wants to know how you're doing," Shinji called from his seat at their computer in the living room.
Kaworu shuffled up the hall into the kitchen in his pjs and slippers. He looks so groggy Shinji thought as he caught a glimpse of Kaworu before he'd been hidden by the cabinets and counter. He heard the fridge being opened and liquid being poured into a glass then a cough as Kaworu came into the living room to sit on the couch.
"What should I tell her?" Shinji asked.
Kaworu sniffled and clicked on the TV as he took a sip of orange juice. "Tell her the truth. I feel like hell. I'm either in various degrees of pain or parts of me go numb for Kami-knows how long. My head feels like I've got cotton shoved into every available sinus cavity. And my digestive system continues to betray me in both directions at various times of the day."
Shinji looked at his koi with concern. He had his legs drawn up and had pulled the throw blanket over him while he channel surfed with a dull look. This isn't like him. I'm not sure what to say now "Umm.. I'll just tell her you're still not feeling any better." His delicate fingers quickly tapped out his response to their sort-of guardian.
"You didn't go to school today," Kaworu stated as he drank more of his juice.
"I know. I.. Just felt like staying home today. That's all," Shinji replied. Kaworu turned his scruffy gray head to stare at him.
"Shin-chan. I'll still be here when you come home, you know." He sighed. "You should keep going. You've already been absent most of this week. Your teachers will start to call you a delinquent or something."
"So let them. I'll go tomorrow. Today I want to stay with you." Shinji sent his mail and logged off then sat on the couch with Kaworu. "How about I rent us some movies? I know we can't go out to one yet.."
"That sounds fine. I'll keep the couch warm for you," Kaworu told him. Shinji got up and pulled on his jacket and took the keys from the hook by the kitchen.
"Are you sure you'll be okay?" he asked as he came over to Kaworu with a doubting look. Kaworu gave him a small grin and sigh. "I'll be fine. Go rent something good," he said as Shinji leaned in for a little kiss.
Soon they were splitting a bowl of popcorn on the couch as they watched one of their favorite sci-fi DVDs. By the time the popcorn was mostly gone, they were on their next one. Shinji was sitting so that Kaworu's legs were across his lap and he was gently rubbing his feet to help him get the feeling back in them. Before bedtime though, he was losing his light dinner and was shaking from the effort of it. Shinji thought a nice hot soak would help so he drew Kaworu a bath and got in with him to relax, after they scrubbed off. Afterwards they went to sleep fairly easily since poor Kaworu was tired most of the time anyway.
(Sometime in February)
In the middle of the night, Shinji was awoken by Kaworu's pained coughing. He sat up and turned on the bedside lamp.
"Kao-chan are you alright?" he asked. Kaworu hacked deeply as he pulled himself up into a sitting position and kept his mouth covered.
Shinji put a gentle hand on Kaworu's shoulder while his koi grabbed a tissue. He heard him groan after he wiped his mouth and Kaworu turned to him with pain and fear in his eyes. "Shin-chan.." he said softly. Shinji could see that he had coughed up blood. His eyes widened and his pulse quickened. "W-we have to get you to the hospital! Now!"
"I.. I can't, Shin-chan. You know why.." Kaworu said wearily.
"I'll call Dr. Yukito. He'll know where I can take you. No one will find out about you, don't worry!" Shinji quickly got to the phone and dialed the emergency number the doctor had given him.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Uhh.. Itai! This hurts, Shinji-kun!" Kaworu moaned while he held his stomach while sitting in the wheelchair. A nurse was wheeling Kaworu back to a triage room while Shinji trailed along beside. Dr. Yukito and a couple of his assistant nurses met the couple at a hospital that practiced good privacy policies and managed to keep Kaworu's secrets from them.
"I know Kaworu-kun. I'll stay here with you," Shinji said as he tried to keep out of their way. Standing to the side he watched the doctor and his nurses check Kaworu over after hustling him into a bed. They stripped his pajama top from him and asked all sorts of questions and Shinji winced when the doctor pressed on his koi's sensitive tummy and caused Kaworu to cry out in pain. A few seconds later while they were hooking up an I.V port in his arm, Kaworu sat up coughing wetly so hard he ended up trying to throw up but there wasn't anything in his stomach.
A nurse gently pushed him back to the bed and wiped the blood from around his mouth. He was breathing hard and Shinji could see a few tears slip from the corners of Kaworu's tightly closed eyes.
"What - is - this?!" Kaworu panted. He felt his vitals being taken and orders for various medical things were batted back and forth over his supine form.
"Nagisa-san, try to relax. We're doing everything we can to find out now. Shuichi-san why don't you take Ikari-san to the private waiting room and ask him some questions?" Kaworu heard Dr. Yukito's soothing voice say. He groaned and turned away from the latex gloved hand that was trying to hold his chin to look at his eyes and force open his mouth. "Don't go.." he called to Shinji as the hand caught him again and swabbed the inside of his mouth. He gagged a little when the offending swab hit the back of his throat.
"I'll be right back, Kaworu-kun. I promise," he heard Shinji say and heard the shuffling of feet and clothes that marked Shinji and the nurse's departure. He winced as they drew more blood from him.
Shinji anxiously answered Shuichi's questions and paced around after the nurse had left to report back to Dr. Yukito. Kami, this is taking forever! A little while later the doctor himself came in to talk to him about Kaworu.
"Ikari-san I'll be honest with you. He should've been admitted sooner."
"I know sensei. But.. He hates hospitals and things like that," Shinji explained. "He thought that just going to your office for the treatments would be enough."
"I understand that Ikari-san. You've both had your share of stays in them, haven't you? Misato-san tells me that you almost lost him in your last battle," Dr. Yukito said as he flipped through Kaworu's chart.
"Yeah. He was badly hurt and in a coma for a while," Shinji said softly as he hugged himself and looked down at his sneakers.
"Well, he's starting to become dehydrated. And the damage is beginning to affect his lungs."
"What about the, um, the blood?" Shinji asked warily. Do I want to know?
"Well, that's partly the lungs and also because of acid damage from the vomiting. That's also why his stomach is hurting him. Plus his muscles just aren't getting much of a break from it all."
"So.. What happens now sensei?" Shinji asked. He sat heavily in a chair with his head resting on his folded arms across his knees. I'll just start losing it anytime now..
"He needs to be admitted tonight for observation Ikari-san. He can go home tomorrow night but I want to get some fluids back into him intravenously and get his system to settle down a bit, alright?"
"Um, okay. C-can I see him now?" Shinji asked.
Dr. Yukito led the way back to Kaworu's bed and Shinji saw him sitting propped up with a pillow and looking upset. He was rubbing his arm around the I.V port and making a face.
"I gave him a slight painkiller, Ikari-san. How are you feeling now, Nagisa-san?" Dr. Yukito asked.
"It still hurts a little," Kaworu said softly as he held his stomach again. "Can I go home now? I'm beat."
Dr. Yukito told Kaworu about staying overnight and Kaworu's red eyes widened as he practically yelled, "NO! No more needles!" He started to cough as he panted from being anxious. "I - want - to go - home - now! Please - don't - make me - stay!" He pleaded with Shinji and the doctor and started to try and get up but couldn't muster the strength. He sank back against the pillows and groaned. "Dammit!"
Shinji drew the blanket up to Kaworu's shoulders as Dr. Yukito carefully injected something into Kaworu's I.V.
"What's that?" Shinji asked him.
"Just a mild sedative to help him relax. You can come up with him to his room. I've already got him all set," the doctor replied. "But you can't stay the night I'm afraid."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"But, Shin-chan.. Please stay with me," Kaworu said softly. He was lying in his hospital bed in his quiet, private room and was slowly succumbing to the sedative. Dr. Yukito and Shuichi were waiting in the hall so Shinji and Kaworu could say goodnight. Kaworu's gentle crimson eyes were half-closed and he yawned as Shinji stood by his bedside and stroked his soft gray hair.
"I can't tonight Kao-chan. Gomenasai koibito," Shinji said as he sniffled and wiped at his eyes. "But I'm sure you'll be okay. It's only for one night."
"I don't want to be alone.. We haven't slept apart for such a long time..," Kaworu said sleepily. I feel so floaty right now. An' tired..
"I know. It'll be alright though. I-I don't like this either. But I'll be back to take you home tomorrow, okay?" Shiji said. He bent down to brush gray bangs aside to plant a light kiss on Kaworu's forehead. He stroked his pale cheek and sniffled again.
"Okay Shin-chan.. I'm so tired.." Kaworu said as he nuzzled Shinji's hand weakly.
"Then rest. Use tonight to recover and relax. Oyasuminasai Kao-chan." He kissed the soft cheek, too afraid to hug him for fear of causing any more pain. "Ai suru. Itsumo.."
"O-oyasumi.. Shin-chan. I-I love you too.." Kaworu said as his eyes slammed shut. Shinji gently squeezed Kaworu's hand then left, too upset to look back.
Dr. Yukito and Shuichi bid Shinji goodnight and told him when visiting hours were, then went into Kaworu's room for a final check to make sure everything was dripping right and that Kaworu was warm and comfy.
"Wan'.. Shin-chan.." Kaworu mumbled as he turned on his side with a groan.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Shinji went home and slumped into the armchair in the living room. Thinking about Kaworu, all alone in a place he hated, the events from a few years ago came back to him in a rush and he just started crying. He sat there for quite a while, he had no idea what time it was when he finally calmed down enough to call Misato. In between sobs, he told her what'd happened.
"Oh Shinji.. I-I'm so sorry," she said into the phone. Shinji's call had woken her and she was sitting up in bed, half-awake. "Look, I'm sure he'll be fine." Yeah, that was sure convincing
"I'm gonna lo-lose him, Mi-Misato!" Shinji said, his voice hitching. "W- what'm I gonna - do now?! I ca-an't even help h-im!"
Misato sighed, running a hand over her face. What do I say to him? He was such a wreck the last time "Listen to me Shinji. You're going to go lay down and get some sleep. You're in no condition to think about this now, okay?" She heard the distraught boy sniffle and groan.
"You're - you're right Misato. G-gomenasai for waking you," Shinji said, sniffling. "Oyasumi."
"Oyasumi, Shinji. Go to sleep now and call me tomorrow if you need to talk or anything, okay?" Misato asked him.
"Sure. I'll try," Shinji said softly. "Bye.." He hung up and went into the bedroom. He shucked off his clothes and shoes in a daze then crawled under the covers after clicking off the lamp. He rolled onto his side and cuddled Kaworu's pillow to him, crying himself to sleep as he pretended to hold his koibito.
While Shinji slept, his Kaworu dreamt. Or at least what he thought was a dream. There was darkness again, which made him afraid that he was in the void again. No warmth, no Shinji, no light. That was hell to him. But then he saw stars overhead and looked down to see the flat roof of a large building below him. Why am I dreaming this? It's not the same as before He was even still in his pjs.
"You're not in a dream. You're projecting your spiritual self," came a soft, almost monotone voice off to his right. He turned sharply to regard it. Floating in mid-air was Rei Ayanami in her school uniform, looking at him curiously. "Konnichi wa, Nagisa-kun. Or should I say Tabris-kun?"
"I am both, Ayanami/Yui-kun. What are you doing here?" he asked her as he 'sat' in mid-air. "And why am I doing this?"
"I was on this plane of existence and felt a strong AT field. You're the only Tenshi left, so I came to see what was wrong." She cocked her pale blue head to the side. "As for why you're projecting, it must be an unconscious desire to leave where you are. Are things not going well for you and Ikari-kun?"
Kaworu looked away from her direct gaze. "No.. I'm afraid not." He filled her in and she listened intently. When he was finished, he was aware of the fact that he was crying, even in this ghostly form. "So now you see."
She was quiet for a moment, looking off to the tall, partly lit buildings in the distance. "Yes, I see. I feel for you, Nagisa-kun. Yui-san is concerned for Ikari-kun's safety. Let's go see him," she said quietly, before sailing off. Kaworu sighed and followed her. Maybe that's why I projected, to go back home to Shinji
They found themselves in the darkened bedroom, floating over the floor, their bodies glowing slightly with a pale light. They were watching Shinji sleep, fitfully twitching in his slumber and making distressed noises.
"He's very upset. But Yui-san knows that it's because he loves you that he allows himself to be tortured so much," Ayanami said, floating closer to the bed.
Kaworu felt a pang of guilt as he approached Shinji. He gently stroked a cheek, noting that Shinji relaxed slightly, almost as if he'd felt his touch. Encouraged, Kaworu moved to 'sit' beside him and stroked his head, watching him continue to calm down. Closing his astral eyes, Kaworu relaxed as well and began to quietly hum as he comforted his koi. Soon, Shinji's breathing settled as he fell into deep sleep and Kaworu ceased his song and bent down to brush phantom lips against Shinji's quiet ones.
"Gomenasai, Shin-chan," he whispered. "Oyasumi." He reluctantly turned to Ayanami, who smiled slightly. "Yui-san is happier now. We can go now, Nagisa-kun," she said softly.
They returned to the hospital and were now in Kaworu's room, watching his body sleep. He was a little stunned. This feels very weird. I'm standing outside of myself Ayanami drifted closer to him. "You should go back to sleep now, Nagisa-kun. He'll be alright now," she said.
"But how? I'm not even sure how I did this in the first place," Kaworu said. What if I can't - fix it?
"Relax your AT field. You project yourself with it. It's another form of defense, under stressful conditions," Ayanami said calmly, gesturing to Kaworu's unconscious form. "Obviously, this is a stressful condition, ne?"
Kaworu smiled sadly as he said, "You're right. And if I didn't know better, I'd almost say you were developing a sense of humor, Ayanami/Yui- kun."
"Another new experience in my new life, Nagisa-kun," Ayanami said with a slight smile. "Rest now. Ikari-kun wants you to get better." Kaworu nodded and said goodnight as he closed his eyes and relaxed completely, falling back into himself to sleep, deeply and with pleasant dreams, just like Shinji.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(Kaworu's Diary Entries)
March 13/ It was a little cool this morning and I was feeling a little better today. Shinji and I went to the park since we hadn't been able to go outside together for a while. He insisted I bundle up a little so I wouldn't get worse. He's been pretty protective of me lately. I think I scared him when I had to go for that night in the hospital last month. Sakura was rather upset when I e-mailed her about it and wanted to know if there was anything she could do to help, but of course, she can't. I'm not sure anyone can help me.. Is this terminal? Who knows? I don't know if sensei's treatments are working yet or not.
March 20/ I'm almost ready to graduate, I was told today while I was catching up on my online classes. Only a couple more months to go, since I'm a bit behind because of my illness. I should've graduated last year, since I'm a Junior now. (AN: Japanese Juniors are equivalent to American Seniors, they have only 3 yrs. of high school) I hope I can keep this up, I've just been so tired lately. Shinji is reluctantly going back to school these days to catch up himself and I'm glad. I'm just hoping his teachers won't judge him too harshly. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately and I've discussed them with Misato, since I don't want to trouble poor Shin-chan. I don't want him to be any more depressed about things than he already is.
(Sometime in April)
"Itai! Yukito-sensei, is this really necessary?" Kaworu asked wearily.
"As always, Nagisa-san. I can't administer the treatment without it," Dr. Yukito told him patiently. It was the same exchange at the beginning of each session, but the doctor knew it was Kaworu's way of saying, 'I'll tolerate this, but I don't have to like it.' Kaworu was reclining in a comfortable padded chair as the doctor set up an I.V. port in the outside of his arm, then hooked up a bag of slightly milky fluid to it. He hung it from a hooked metal pole attached to the side of the headrest. Kaworu sighed and looked to the window.
"I'll send Shuichi-san in to start the next part in an hour, Nagisa-san. The TV remote and magazines are to your left, as usual. Are you thirsty yet?"
"No, but I know I will be after Shuichi gets here," Kaworu replied. The doctor nodded, understanding, as he closed the door of the treatment room when he left. Kaworu frowned and turned on the TV. He was always uncomfortable when he came in for his treatments and Shinji wouldn't be back until it was all over. He'd insisted that Shinji take a break and go eat lunch while he was stuck here and so that was where he was now.
The hour went by and Shuichi came in and pulled up a chair, then hooked up another bag. Kaworu turned to regard him with a tired look.
"How are you today, Shuichi-san?" he asked with a yawn.
"I'm fine, Nagisa-san. How're you feeling today?" Shuichi asked as he adjusted the flow of the I.V. and picked up the first syringe of the next part of the treatment.
"Tired," Kaworu replied and looked away as Shuichi quietly injected the contents into the port, following it up with another, filled with an odd, slightly fluorescent green liquid. Then he sat back to wait, watching TV with Kaworu. A little while later, Kaworu groaned and his eyes widened as he gripped the arms of the chair. Shuichi sat up and clicked the stopwatch to carefully time Kaworu's reaction.
Kaworu blinked and swallowed hard as it started to kick in, feeling a metallic taste in his mouth and an excessively warm feeling spreading throughout his body. His pulse rate quickened and his chest felt tight as he groaned again and began to pant. I HATE this part! He was restless in the chair, fidgeting his legs and tossing his head from side to side as Shuichi kept his eyes on the watch. A little cry escaped Kaworu as the pain spread out over him and he squeezed his eyes shut as he gasped for breath.
"Almost done, Nagisa-san. Hang in there," Shuichi said. He had to add the stabilizer at just the right time or the treatment would send Kaworu into cardiac arrest. As Kaworu arched his back, clenched the chair and cried out between pants, the watch beeped and Shuichi quickly jabbed the last syringe into the port, sending the medication home about ten minutes after he'd began the timer. After about a minute, Kaworu began to relax, slumping in the chair with half closed eyes as he wheezed, trying to catch his breath.
He felt Shuichi quickly check his vitals and then heard him setting up a juice box for him, like usual. It helped to take the taste out of his mouth and he was always cotton-mouthed after these things, so it slaked his thirst, too. He drank from the little straw deeply as Shuichi kindly held the box for him, since he was exhausted and needed another hour to recover.
"Th-thanks.. Sh-Shuichi-san.." Kaworu said hoarsely after he'd drained the juice box. He closed his eyes as he started to shiver a little and brought his arms across his chest. Another side effect; a sudden drop of body temperature. Shuichi calmly brought a blanket up over Kaworu and tucked it around him, then turned the flow of the I.V. down a little.
"Relax now, Nagisa-san. You'll warm up now and in a little while you can go home. You don't have to do this for another month, just keep that in mind," Shuichi said to the yawning Kaworu. He was still achy, but too sleepy to care. "I'll tell Dr. Yukito how you did and he'll come to see you in a bit." Shuichi cleaned up the empty syringes and so on, then left Kaworu alone to sleep it off, turning the harsh fluorescent lights off as he went. Warm dappled sunlight filtered through the window to gently soothe Kaworu's chilled body and he breathed a sigh of relief that, for now, it was all over..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Kaworu was awoken by gentle strokes of his hair and opened his eyes to see Shinji looking at him with a slight smile.
"Hey there, sleepyhead. Ready to go home now?" Shinji asked softly.
"Always," Kaworu replied as he sat up, slightly nauseous and achy. He noticed the I.V. port was gone and a small bandage was in its place. Sighing, he drew his light blanket around him and Dr. Yukito knocked as he came in to talk to them a little. He gave Kaworu a refill on his anti- nausea meds and told him to take it easy for a while, since the treatments were almost like chemotherapy; designed to retard and hopefully halt his disease altogether. Kaworu found it hard to be optimistic these days, but he tried anyway. As long as I still have Shin-chan, Misato and Sakura, I'll be able to put up with this
He leaned on his dark-haired partner for support as they left the doctor's office. The long drive home was very quiet, with Kaworu leaning against the rolled up passenger side window, absently watching the rain falling around them, sliding past the windshield and his own window. The steady 'thump, thump.. thump, thump' of the wipers, the soft rush of the heater coming on and the clicking of the turn signals as Shinji navigated his way back to their apartment building were the only sounds for most of the trip.
When they were stopped at a red light, Kaworu quietly shared his fear with Shinji. "I think I'm dying, Shin-chan.."
It was a good thing they were stopped, or else Shinji might've run into someone, in shock. "W-what do you mean by that, Kaworu?!"
"I mean, that I don't think sensei's treatments are working; when it comes to stopping my deterioration," Kaworu went on calmly. "My lungs are still acting up and I still can't walk very well without help. I still have a lot of my other problems, too." He sighed and a honk from behind them jolted Shinji back to reality and he set the car in motion again.
"T-that doesn't necessarily mean anything," Shinji stammered. "M-maybe it just takes a while to really, you know, show that it's working."
I don't want to take away his hope.. But I'm just afraid that it's a false hope "Shin-chan, it's been almost three months though - " he began, but Shinji cut him off, saying, "Kao-chan, give it a little more time before you give up, onegai?! You've gotta try, anyway. So, c'mon now, okay? Remember what we said before? That we'd watch each other's backs and we'd be there for each other?" Kaworu said, "Yes, but - ," but Shinji cut him off again.
"Well, I'm not gonna leave you and I'm not calling this a lost cause until - until I'm sure. Are you with me? For - for now, at least?"
Kaworu sighed, but quietly said, "Alright Shin-chan, I'm with you. For now." He knew better than to push it, because when Shinji was determined, he was a little stubborn and wanted to take care of his Kao-chan, in spite of it all. He loved his pouty koibito and slid a hand onto his thigh in appeasement. "Gomen, Shin-chan. Let's just relax a while.." he said as they arrived home at last.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(Kaworu's Diary Entries)
June 6/Today, my gentle, caring koibito turns 18 and catches up to me again. I wish I could've given him a better, more 'exciting' birthday, so to speak, but I had to be careful this time. Sweet as he was, Shinji told me he didn't mind. So we took it nice and slow and still managed to make the experience enjoyable. Also, I got my diploma in the mail today. I'm a high school graduate now! Shinji was very happy and I called Misato and Sakura to share. They congratulated me and said they were glad to hear I was feeling a little better.
Shin-chan had his own graduation last month, finally caught up with all his teachers. He wasn't top of his class, but neither am I. Just because I'm an Angel, it doesn't mean I'm a fountain of knowledge. But we both got good grades and I'm proud of us. Misato is helping me set up another surprise, too. I just hope we'll be able to make it come together in time..
September 13/Happy birthday to me.. It was the best one I've ever had. I got a few presents from Shinji, Misato and Sakura, of course, but I think the best one was the look on Shin-chan's face when I told him what Misato & I'd been planning; our special ceremony. Misato had pulled some strings and got all the legal paperwork set for us to sign and, well, we signed them. I wished I'd been feeling well enough to give Shinji the whole ceremony, with the formal Japanese clothes and all, but I had to settle for the papers and Shinji sliding a silver band on my finger. He kept his engagement ring, instead of a plain band like mine. Misato was our witness and I said my vows to him:
'My dearest koibito. You've stuck by me through the past years, sharing your life with me, through pain and sadness as well as pleasure and joy. I remember our beginnings and how we almost lost each other. It scared me terribly to think that I'd never again get to see you, hold you, hear your heartbeat as we fell asleep or taste the anticipation on your lips every time I kissed you.
You are my joy and you are what makes all the pain I endure worthwhile. For if one knows no pain, then how can one know what happiness truly is? So pain is necessary, I'm afraid, in one form or degree or other. But I don't mind it. At least not very much anyway, because you're still here with me and that's all that matters.
So I promise to love, honor and cherish you, itsumo, for however long we have left together. And I know you feel the same, because you've told me so, always letting me know it and hear it, so I don't give up too easily. I thank you for that and that you love me so much to put yourself through hell with concern for me. We may both be strong alone - but we're unbreakable together. I've never regretted my decision to stand against it all with you. You changed my life forever and I am honored to be your partner, Ikari-Nagisa Shinji-kun.'
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Well, that's it for chapter three, one more to come. (I already have this written out in a tablet, it's just taking me forever to type it right now, with my pc restrictions. . ) But I will put it up, please be patient? (And I know about the overwhelming sap factor in my K & S fics, sorry, can't help it! They're my favorite couple, what can I say?) Anyway, hope you enjoyed and please review? Arigato for your time, minnasan!