What His Crimson Eyes Believe In4 an Eva fic by AngelDragon
Hi again minna! As always, thanks for the reviews, especially May & Koneko (hugs) as well as Logo-san and Kiarene-san. You guys are just too great!! Okay, usual warnings apply here, rated 'R' for obvious reasons (i.e. possible language, shounen-ai/yaoi content, etc.) You know the drill, if you don't like, please don't read, okay? Now then, these: blah are thoughts, as usual. This is the last chapter in my long-ass trilogy series (as well as this particular fic), hope you enjoy and thanks for your support! (And of course I don't own Eva, just this fic)
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Chapter 4: Hane no Tenshi (On Angel's Wings)
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"Sunlight fades, but dawn will come again.
Moonlight fades, but the moon itself will shine as an eternal mirror.
People you love are fragile, like glass, to be handled with care.
With time and tempering, they can be as quartz crystal, stronger than they appear.
Sun and Moon, Love and Strength. They balance the scales of life." - (me, written Nov. 30'th, 2002) Long time ago, ne? ^^'
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February 2020
"Oh.. Shin-chan.. Don't - don't stop! I'm - alright.." Kaworu said breathily. The bed creaked a little as Shinji shifted his weight behind the panting Kaworu. They were sitting up in bed, amidst the soft comforter and cool sheets, the blinds up and curtains open in the mostly darkened bedroom so they could watch the rain outside. It was a steady, low drone against the building, sliding in thin rivulets down the windowpane. A flash of lightning illuminated the otherwise quiet cityscape and the bared skin and shining eyes of the room's bishonen.
"Are you sure Kao-chan?" Shinji whispered in his significant other's ear. He was gently running hands down Kaworu's arms and chest while nuzzling his soft gray hair. I love the scent of the rain. It's even in Kaworu's hair
"Y - yes.. It's been so long.." Kaworu moaned as Shinji's lips found his neck. He leaned his head back to expose his throat to him and he took the invitation. His groans vibrated against Shinji's teeth and Kaworu felt him smile as he kissed and worried at the soft, sensitive skin. He leaned back against Shinji's chest, reveling in the waves of pleasure that ran down his body, pushing aside the pain he'd been feeling earlier. I don't care! We haven't been together like this.. Since our wedding night. I - I can forget that I'm sick - for a little while..
Kaworu relaxed and let Shinji be seme, something that normally didn't happen between them, but he just didn't have the strength to perform the way he used to. A sudden, booming crack of thunder startled them and Shinji squeezed Kaworu's hands as he accidentally bit him on the shoulder. Kaworu gasped as he squeezed his eyes shut, feeling Shinji's heart thudding against his back. He didn't blame him, he could feel his own doing the same and heard Shinji say, "Gomen, Kao-chan, I didn't mean it!"
He started to cough deeply and when he got control again, slumped back against Shinji, who held him close, concerned for him.
"I know, Shin-chan. I'm.. fine, really," he said wearily. Tentatively, Shinji nuzzled at his jaw. "Maybe - maybe we shouldn't yet?"
"If we go slow, it'll be okay," Kaworu said, sighing. "Just like before." He felt Shinji gradually working things back up, but more hesitantly in certain areas. He still enjoyed it, but a thought kept scratching at the back of his more pleasant ones. How long.. Until I can't at all, anymore? What then?..
(Kaworu's Diary Entry)
April 10/I had another treatment today. This wouldn't have been a big deal, but when I woke up after, I couldn't move my legs. It didn't bother me a lot, because at home I could just use my power to glide, but Shinji was rather upset. All that Yukito-sensei could tell us was hopefully it would wear off, like before. I'm worried about Shin-chan. He's taking on my pain as his own and it's hurting him inside. He tries to hide it, but I can see him when he thinks I'm not looking. He doesn't sleep well these days, either and tries to hang around at home with me as much as he can. I think he's finally coming to terms with my illness, but it's making him miserable. I keep trying hard to make him feel better, though.
(Sometime in June)
"Hello? Oh, hi Shinji. How are you and Kaworu?" Misato was at home, kicking back in front of the TV, when she got Shinji's call.
"Um, not too good Misato," Shinji said, huddling up on the couch in his and Kaworu's apartment. He felt so strange lately, like he was in a daze or a dream he couldn't wake up from. "C - could I come over for a little while? I.. I really need someone to talk to."
Misato's brow rose, wondering about his tone. "Eh, sure Shinji. What about Kaworu?"
"He - he's sleeping right now. He does that a lot lately.. I don't wanna disturb him. He still can't - can't move his legs." Shinji's voice hitched a little and Misato could hear the stress in his voice. Man, it's worse than I thought
"I'm sorry to hear that Shinji. C'mon over and I'll order some dinner or something, okay?" she offered.
"M - maybe I shouldn't after all." He looked down the short hall to their darkened room. "Kaworu might need me.."
Misato gave an exasperated sigh, running a hand through her hair as she got up for more coffee. "Look Shinji. I'm sure Kaworu can take care of himself for a little while. He did fine while you were at school, ne? You need a break or you're gonna end up a nineteen year old with premature gray hair! Not to mention an ulcer the size of Tokyo-3."
She heard Shinji sigh, then say, "Alright, I see your point. I'll be over in a few minutes. I've gotta.. Take care of something first." They said their goodbyes and after he turned the cordless phone off, he got up and went to their bedroom. He stood in the doorway, letting his eyes adjust, then went to kneel by their bedside after leaving the phone on the nightstand. He stayed there for a few minutes, watching Kaworu sleeping soundly, his gentle face relaxed, deep red eyes closed and twitching slightly in REM sleep.
Shinji smiled and reached out to gently stroke his cheek and soft, sleep- tousled hair. He leaned in for a light kiss on Kaworu's lips and felt a pang of guilt when his pulse rate jumped and he pulled back, resting his hand on Kaworu's shoulder. He - he can still feel, right? Maybe he wouldn't mind.. He shakily ran that hand down, under the blanket but stopped at his waist when he felt Kaworu stir in his sleep and heard him groan slightly. What am I DOING?! I can't do this to him - I'd be no better than that bastard Li if I did it!
Ashamed of himself, Shinji quickly took his hand from under the blanket and got unsteadily to his feet. He covered Kaworu up more and staggered to the bathroom to satisfy his growing need. He closed his eyes and fumbled through his guilty pleasure, his face hot with embarrassment and tears. Shuddering with the conclusion, he leaned against the cool wall and tried to get control of himself again. How can I do this to him? It feels like I'm cheating on him or something! After cleaning up, he hastily scrawled a note for Kaworu and left it with the phone.
(Sometime in July)
"Shinji! Oh Kami ITAI!!" Kaworu was doubled over in the car as Shinji hurried them to the same hospital as before, to meet up with Dr. Yukito and Shuichi. "I know Kao-chan! Hang in there, we'll be there soon!"
Earlier that morning, Kaworu's coughing fit got so bad he'd thrown up blood, scaring the hell out of them both and sending Shinji practically through the phone at the doctor, trying to explain. He calmed down only enough to drive and throw on normal clothes before carrying the pj-clad, blanketed Kaworu down to the car. Kaworu had been too distracted and exhausted to glide, so determined Shinji had just scooped him up and that was that. He was light enough not to be a problem, anyway.
Soon, Kaworu was laid out in a bed in the emergency room and Dr. Yukito and his assistants were stripping him down and checking him over while he cried out in pain and tried to squirm away from the poking and prodding. Shinji was hustled to the private waiting room to pace and update Shuichi's questions. He could hear some of Kaworu's protests even through the closed door. It was almost two hours before Dr. Yukito himself came in to talk to him.
"Alright, now I can tell you how he's doing, um, Ikari-Nagisa-san," Dr. Yukito began, thrown for a second by Shinji's new status with Kaworu. "We did an endoscopy on him and he's got a bad ulcer that's been bleeding for a while. The erosion ruptured a vessel and that put additional stress on him." Shinji slumped to the chair, stunned and waiting for the other shoe to fall.
"I'm concerned about his breathing as well. He's awfully congested lately and I'm not comfortable with the fact that he can't move his legs still." He took a breath, knowing this would be the real blow to Shinji. "So I'm admitting him again." Shinji groaned, running fingers through his hair as he leaned back. That won't go over well, I can see it now..
"How long, sensei?" he asked.
"For at least three days." Shinji groaned again. "Only because he needs it, I assure you. I'm aware of the fact that he hates this, but should he continue being in pain? We may not have a cure for him, but we can at least treat his symptoms."
Shinji reluctantly agreed. "Have you told him yet?" he asked, playing with his ring, making light bounce off the little diamond.
"Yes, I did. I had to sedate him a little again. He almost managed to bring up his AT field, but I got it into his arm in time. Fortunately no one but myself and my team saw him, so his secret is still safe. You can see him now, Ikari-Nagisa-san."
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In the quiet, private room again, Shinji stood by his koi's bedside. This is like déjà vu He stifled a nervous giggle. Kaworu was hooked up to an I.V line and had small oxygen tubes in his nostrils as he lay there tucked in. He looked at Shinji blearily. "Can't we just go home Shin-chan?" he asked softly, yawning a bit. Shinji shook his head sadly and held Kaworu's hand. "Not yet Kao-chan. Gomenasai. You should rest now, but I'll stay with you for a while, okay?"
"Alright.. Oyasumi.." Kaworu said as he went under, eyes slamming shut. Shinji was tired as well and the stress took over, making him sit heavily in the guest's chair and rest his head on the bed. I'll just rest my eyes a little..
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"So then. I see I'm doing this again." Kaworu found himself out of his body again, hovering in mid-air over it, looking down at Shinji sleeping in the chair. Poor Shinji. He's as worn out as I am He watched him for a while, until a familiar face showed up, 'sitting' by the window of his room.
"We meet again, Nagisa-kun?" Rei said, with a slight smile. "But it's Ikari-Nagisa now, isn't it? Yui and I are happy for you, but I can tell that something is wrong."
Kaworu nodded. "I'm dying, Ayanami/Yui-kun. And I still don't know why." He sighed, sitting in mid-air now. "I mean, I know the technicalities but not where this all came from."
"I could help you with that, if you want. But you must tell Shinji, Yui wants him to know so he doesn't keep blaming himself," Rei said, drifting over to him. Kaworu was stunned for a second. "You can? O - of course I'll let him know!"
"I had access to all of Seele's data before I erased it. Give me some time and I'll remember it, I promise you, Ikari-Nagisa-kun," Rei said quietly. "So tell me what you remember, to help me recall, onegai?"
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Kaworu ended up having to stay in the hospital for over a week and was miserable. He didn't talk much and was very depressed and uncomfortable, since Dr. Yukito insisted on extensive testing to make sure he wasn't bleeding anywhere else. He even had daily breathing treatments to help his damaged lungs and his medications were making him groggy. Shinji came by every day to keep him company and even Misato and Sakura visited a little. Sakura had cried a little when she saw how thin and exhausted he'd become.
"It's - okay - Sakura-kun," Kaworu had told her softly, in between deep breaths. He'd had to wear a little clear plastic oxygen mask for a while, so he didn't have to work so hard to breathe. Shinji sat in the bedside chair, quietly watching this girl who used to scare the hell out of him as she sat tentatively beside the propped up Kaworu on his bed. She seems so different now, like she doesn't know what to do with herself. I don't blame her. Neither do I
Kaworu had given her a small smile as he reached up with a shaky hand to brush at her tears and push aside her dark hair. "Don't cry - onegai?"
"I m-issed out - on s-so m-much!" Sakura cried, her voice hitching as she tried to calm down. "I m-issed y-you!" Shinji looked at her sympathetically and Kaworu had caught him then took a hand from them both, giving them a little squeeze. They looked at him, puzzled, but he didn't drop his smile. "It couldn't - be - helped - Sakura-kun. Don't - blame yourselves, - either of you," he said, coughing a little. Though concerned for him, they understood what he meant.
"You two - should talk - sometime. And talk - with Misato, too," he'd gone on. "Stay friends - okay?" They'd looked at each other, surprised to see pretty much the same emotions on their faces, then looked to Kaworu and promised him they would.
Eventually though, Kaworu couldn't take the hospital anymore. He'd had enough and one night, he said so. Before visiting hours were over, he waited 'til the doctor was in the room to check on him then said, "I want - to go home - now."
"Are you sure? This won't get any easier," Dr. Yukito said, glancing at the couple. Kaworu fought to stay awake. "Yes!" He started coughing deeply, angrily sitting up, his eyes squeezed shut in pain. He slumped back against the partly raised bed and took deep pulls from his little mask as Shinji held it over his nose and mouth for him. He looked Shinji in his deep blue eyes as he said, "Shinji - please take - me home now?"
Shinji could see the calmness in his crimson eyes. Despite it all, he can still be like that? I'm amazed "Of course, if it's what you really want?" Kaworu nodded and that was that. Dr. Yukito helped them make arrangements for Kaworu's home care. Shinji would do most of it, getting help from the doctor and Shuichi, if needed. And so began the last leg of the journey for the Ikari-Nagisa couple..
(Kaworu's Diary Entry)
August 25/I feel.. So strange lately. Ayanami/Yui-kun came to me early this morning, Shinji was still asleep in bed with me. She told me everything.. Seele created this disease in me as a fail-safe - so that I'd never truly escape their will. I was meant to die.. If not as the catalyst for the end of the Lilim, then like this, almost 20 years after my creation. There is no way to cure it or reverse it; it was engineered into my own genome.
I told Shinji, just as I promised and he took it well enough. What's done is done, so all we can do now is make the most of the time we have with each other. I already have everything in order, with help from Misato, so Shinji can rest easier about a few things, anyway. I think he knows that there's nothing he could've done to stop this, that it wasn't his fault, but I still try and show him anyway. I love my koibito and am so glad we became friends and partners. I'll miss Shinji and the girls so much..
(Sometime in October)
"I'll be back in a second, Kao-chan, I'm thirsty," Shinji said as he went to the kitchen. He'd been helping Kaworu with his physical therapy so his leg muscles wouldn't atrophy, but he needed a break. After his drink, he went back into their room to discover quite a sight.
Kaworu was sitting up in bed, his eyes closed in concentration. He still had his oxygen and I.V hook ups, but there was also a strange addition: a pair of large, slightly glowing, white-feathered wings had sprouted from his bare shoulders. Shinji stared in awe as he unsteadily crossed the room. "K - Kaworu?! Where-?" he began, but stopped as Kaworu turned his now opened eyes on him with a smile.
"I wanted - to feel - what it - was like," Kaworu said, in between raspy breaths. "I - wanted you - to see.." Shinji sat heavily on the edge of the bed and reached out shakily to touch the soft, almost unreal feathers. "T - they're beautiful.. I can't believe you made these." He looked at him with concern when Kaworu leaned forward, breathing deeply as his slender wings drooped. "But you shouldn't have done it. You must've used so much energy.." Shinji felt a long primary feather come out in his hand as he stroked a wing.
"Don't care. They're - my early - present - to you," Kaworu panted as Shinji watched him force himself to sit up straight. He shivered a little, wings twitching as a couple more feathers drifted to the floor.
"Are you cold? You took off your pj shirt," Shinji said as he stood up. Kaworu nodded and coughed deeply, wincing and hugging his chest in pain, a little blood at the corner of his mouth he felt Shinji absently wipe away.
"Let me warm you up, okay?" Shinji carefully navigated around all the tubes and his koi's new appendages and crawled into bed to sit behind him. He drew another blanket around the two of them and let Kaworu rest against his chest as he held him close, feeling the softness of the feathers against his cheek. Kaworu sighed, resting his head on Shinji's shoulder. "Arigato - koibito," he gasped and felt Shinji nuzzling his temple. "Sure thing, Kao-chan. You just relax and rest."
"So cold - tired.." Kaworu said softly as he shivered. Shinji felt the tears coming but didn't care. He blinked them off and sniffled, then began to gently rock back and forth slightly as he hummed an old song he heard when he was little. Kaworu smiled behind his mask as his eyes slowly slid shut. "Ai suru - Shinji.. Itsumo.." Shinji nodded, hugging Kaworu tight as he continued to lull him to sleep. "Itsumo Kaworu. I love you too.." He squeezed his eyes shut, a few tears sliding down his cheeks to fall onto Kaworu's pale skin, as a few more snowy feathers fluttered to rest on the carpet.
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"Oh, hello. You're Misato-san, aren't you?" a young woman with long dark hair and a small streak of violet color behind her ear said. Misato was on the elevator and turned to regard her with a raised brow. "Yes, um, who're you?" She seems familiar She was carrying a card in one hand and a small spray of flowers in the other. She looked a little sad though. I know the feeling. How much longer will this go on?
"I'm Wakai Sakura, a friend of Kaworu-kun and Shinji-kun. They told me about you, Misato-san. Were you coming for a visit too?" Sakura asked, glancing at the flowers and card Misato was holding. Misato gave a small smile, saying, "Yeah. Kaworu's still pretty sick and I thought they could both use some company. I see we've got the same idea." Sakura nodded and they continued the ride in silence.
As they approached the apartment door, they were surprised to see Shinji standing just outside it, staring out at the cityscape beyond the railing, in bare feet, shorts and a tank top. Misato noticed the smears of blood on his mouth and hand, shocked. They ran up to him, concerned that he didn't seem to notice their presence.
"Shinji? What's the matter?" Misato asked him, putting a hand on his shoulder as Shinji began to walk toward the railing. He stopped, blinked and turned to look at her with a stunned look on his face. His eyes were red and his flushed face tear streaked. He gawked at her without speaking for almost a minute. "What happened?!" she demanded, giving his shoulders a light shake back to reality.
Shinji screwed up his face and fell to his knees by them, starting to cry again. The two women knelt beside him, startled to see him like this, gory and broken, and Misato put an arm around him as he doubled over, bawling at the top of his lungs and she knew, glancing over him at Sakura, who gave her a knowing look. They hugged him tightly, letting him cry it out as they did a little crying of their own..
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"So.. Is this it, Ayanami/Yui-kun?" Their astral selves hovered above the sobbing trio, looking down on them as Shinji's anguished screams carried over the two women's cries.
"It doesn't have to be. You are also the Angel of Free Will - Tabris-kun, ne?" Rei stated, calmly sitting in mid-air beside Kaworu. "You don't have to see the void or be reborn if you don't want to." She sighed. "Yui is sad for him. He'll need their support now.." Kaworu's ghostly form drifted closer to them, a sad smile on his face, glowing with pale light.
"He'll need a Guardian Angel then, won't he?" he asked, wrapping his handsome phantom wings around the trio and brushing Shinji's dark hair with his fingers. He saw Shinji look up suddenly, hope and sorrow in those blue eyes Kaworu knew so well. I could almost say that he could see me.. He leaned forward to brush his formless lips across Shinji's before backing off a bit. Shinji shuddered, slumping into Misato's arms, breathing hard to calm down.
"Yes. Yui and I agree that you'd be perfect for the job," Rei said with a slight smile. Kaworu turned brilliant red eyes up to her and grinned widely. "Then I accept! Shinji will never truly be alone, I promise to watch over him and stay with him." Rei nodded down to him. "That's good enough for us, Ikari-Nagisa-kun."
(Kaworu's Diary Entry; made by Shinji)
December 9/This is Ikari-Nagisa Shinji. I, um, was cleaning up for the holidays and I found my koibito's diary. (Gomenasai Kaworu, but I read it) It brought back so many memories.. Whether they were good or bad, I'll treasure them and this book. I'll write in it now, Kao-chan and I'll be myself, like you said. It's only been a couple months, but it feels like you're still here with me.. I like that. I never want to lose that.
It was a nice, private funeral, just like you'd arranged with Misato and you were cremated like you wanted. I've got your ashes in a little sealed urn on a little Shinto shrine in the living room. I even set it up with your picture and everything. I wouldn't call myself a strict devotee but I can feel YOUR spirit anyway. It's hard sometimes, koi, to keep going but I do. I don't know what I'll do with the rest of my life, maybe I'll go to college finally, with that sneaky fund you and Misato set me up with.
We keep in touch a lot, even with Sakura. Though she's still a little scary at times with her personality! I'm not getting another boyfriend or husband though. No one can compare to you and I don't want anyone else, anyway. I'm keeping all your stuff, too. I don't want to get rid of anything, especially that plushie you gave me.. And this diary and your special red silk shirt! I miss you a lot, the holidays aren't making it any easier, either.
I have to close this for now though, I've gotta finish putting together dinner and the tree. Misato had a free night off of work and Sakura's taking the subway from her and her roommate's apartment way out from Tokyo- 3. We're going to eat and trim out the tree. I - I even got a special ornament this year, like we used to do each year: an angel with real feathered wings. And well, I kept some of your feathers to remember you by.. I sort of shaped them into a big, wing-shaped fan and hung it on the wall in our bedroom. No one knows where such large feathers really came from, don't worry. It's our secret I even hung your surfboard up on the living room wall, that cherry tree branch design looks so pretty!
Ai suru, Kaworu. Itsumo.. I'll keep writing koi, I promise. Merry Christmas, Kao-chan. It won't be the same without you..
~OWARI~
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Well, it's over, the whole trilogy.. And this took me how long? Well, to give you an example, I originally started writing this (in the tablet) Oct. 16, 2002 and finished it on Dec. 9, 2002. As of the typing of this chapter, it's now May 9, 2003! Took me long enough, ne? Oh well, I loved writing this, even if it was depressing sometimes. Quite a few songs went into the creation of this fic, too many to name, but I'd always liked that Sara Mc Lachlan song 'I Will Remember You', so I had to use the lyrics at the opening of chapters 1-3, couldn't help it. The sappy thing at the opening of this chapter was just a dumb poem I wrote last year, pay it no mind. Hope you all enjoyed this and please review? Thanks to all who were polite with their comments!
Feel free to read the rest of my crap, this Kaworu & Shinji trilogy should be read like this: first 'Echoes of Angels', then this 4 chapter one, then the one-shot 'Days Go By'. Hopefully, not too confusing? Ja ne, minnasan!
Hi again minna! As always, thanks for the reviews, especially May & Koneko (hugs) as well as Logo-san and Kiarene-san. You guys are just too great!! Okay, usual warnings apply here, rated 'R' for obvious reasons (i.e. possible language, shounen-ai/yaoi content, etc.) You know the drill, if you don't like, please don't read, okay? Now then, these: blah are thoughts, as usual. This is the last chapter in my long-ass trilogy series (as well as this particular fic), hope you enjoy and thanks for your support! (And of course I don't own Eva, just this fic)
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Chapter 4: Hane no Tenshi (On Angel's Wings)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Sunlight fades, but dawn will come again.
Moonlight fades, but the moon itself will shine as an eternal mirror.
People you love are fragile, like glass, to be handled with care.
With time and tempering, they can be as quartz crystal, stronger than they appear.
Sun and Moon, Love and Strength. They balance the scales of life." - (me, written Nov. 30'th, 2002) Long time ago, ne? ^^'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
February 2020
"Oh.. Shin-chan.. Don't - don't stop! I'm - alright.." Kaworu said breathily. The bed creaked a little as Shinji shifted his weight behind the panting Kaworu. They were sitting up in bed, amidst the soft comforter and cool sheets, the blinds up and curtains open in the mostly darkened bedroom so they could watch the rain outside. It was a steady, low drone against the building, sliding in thin rivulets down the windowpane. A flash of lightning illuminated the otherwise quiet cityscape and the bared skin and shining eyes of the room's bishonen.
"Are you sure Kao-chan?" Shinji whispered in his significant other's ear. He was gently running hands down Kaworu's arms and chest while nuzzling his soft gray hair. I love the scent of the rain. It's even in Kaworu's hair
"Y - yes.. It's been so long.." Kaworu moaned as Shinji's lips found his neck. He leaned his head back to expose his throat to him and he took the invitation. His groans vibrated against Shinji's teeth and Kaworu felt him smile as he kissed and worried at the soft, sensitive skin. He leaned back against Shinji's chest, reveling in the waves of pleasure that ran down his body, pushing aside the pain he'd been feeling earlier. I don't care! We haven't been together like this.. Since our wedding night. I - I can forget that I'm sick - for a little while..
Kaworu relaxed and let Shinji be seme, something that normally didn't happen between them, but he just didn't have the strength to perform the way he used to. A sudden, booming crack of thunder startled them and Shinji squeezed Kaworu's hands as he accidentally bit him on the shoulder. Kaworu gasped as he squeezed his eyes shut, feeling Shinji's heart thudding against his back. He didn't blame him, he could feel his own doing the same and heard Shinji say, "Gomen, Kao-chan, I didn't mean it!"
He started to cough deeply and when he got control again, slumped back against Shinji, who held him close, concerned for him.
"I know, Shin-chan. I'm.. fine, really," he said wearily. Tentatively, Shinji nuzzled at his jaw. "Maybe - maybe we shouldn't yet?"
"If we go slow, it'll be okay," Kaworu said, sighing. "Just like before." He felt Shinji gradually working things back up, but more hesitantly in certain areas. He still enjoyed it, but a thought kept scratching at the back of his more pleasant ones. How long.. Until I can't at all, anymore? What then?..
(Kaworu's Diary Entry)
April 10/I had another treatment today. This wouldn't have been a big deal, but when I woke up after, I couldn't move my legs. It didn't bother me a lot, because at home I could just use my power to glide, but Shinji was rather upset. All that Yukito-sensei could tell us was hopefully it would wear off, like before. I'm worried about Shin-chan. He's taking on my pain as his own and it's hurting him inside. He tries to hide it, but I can see him when he thinks I'm not looking. He doesn't sleep well these days, either and tries to hang around at home with me as much as he can. I think he's finally coming to terms with my illness, but it's making him miserable. I keep trying hard to make him feel better, though.
(Sometime in June)
"Hello? Oh, hi Shinji. How are you and Kaworu?" Misato was at home, kicking back in front of the TV, when she got Shinji's call.
"Um, not too good Misato," Shinji said, huddling up on the couch in his and Kaworu's apartment. He felt so strange lately, like he was in a daze or a dream he couldn't wake up from. "C - could I come over for a little while? I.. I really need someone to talk to."
Misato's brow rose, wondering about his tone. "Eh, sure Shinji. What about Kaworu?"
"He - he's sleeping right now. He does that a lot lately.. I don't wanna disturb him. He still can't - can't move his legs." Shinji's voice hitched a little and Misato could hear the stress in his voice. Man, it's worse than I thought
"I'm sorry to hear that Shinji. C'mon over and I'll order some dinner or something, okay?" she offered.
"M - maybe I shouldn't after all." He looked down the short hall to their darkened room. "Kaworu might need me.."
Misato gave an exasperated sigh, running a hand through her hair as she got up for more coffee. "Look Shinji. I'm sure Kaworu can take care of himself for a little while. He did fine while you were at school, ne? You need a break or you're gonna end up a nineteen year old with premature gray hair! Not to mention an ulcer the size of Tokyo-3."
She heard Shinji sigh, then say, "Alright, I see your point. I'll be over in a few minutes. I've gotta.. Take care of something first." They said their goodbyes and after he turned the cordless phone off, he got up and went to their bedroom. He stood in the doorway, letting his eyes adjust, then went to kneel by their bedside after leaving the phone on the nightstand. He stayed there for a few minutes, watching Kaworu sleeping soundly, his gentle face relaxed, deep red eyes closed and twitching slightly in REM sleep.
Shinji smiled and reached out to gently stroke his cheek and soft, sleep- tousled hair. He leaned in for a light kiss on Kaworu's lips and felt a pang of guilt when his pulse rate jumped and he pulled back, resting his hand on Kaworu's shoulder. He - he can still feel, right? Maybe he wouldn't mind.. He shakily ran that hand down, under the blanket but stopped at his waist when he felt Kaworu stir in his sleep and heard him groan slightly. What am I DOING?! I can't do this to him - I'd be no better than that bastard Li if I did it!
Ashamed of himself, Shinji quickly took his hand from under the blanket and got unsteadily to his feet. He covered Kaworu up more and staggered to the bathroom to satisfy his growing need. He closed his eyes and fumbled through his guilty pleasure, his face hot with embarrassment and tears. Shuddering with the conclusion, he leaned against the cool wall and tried to get control of himself again. How can I do this to him? It feels like I'm cheating on him or something! After cleaning up, he hastily scrawled a note for Kaworu and left it with the phone.
(Sometime in July)
"Shinji! Oh Kami ITAI!!" Kaworu was doubled over in the car as Shinji hurried them to the same hospital as before, to meet up with Dr. Yukito and Shuichi. "I know Kao-chan! Hang in there, we'll be there soon!"
Earlier that morning, Kaworu's coughing fit got so bad he'd thrown up blood, scaring the hell out of them both and sending Shinji practically through the phone at the doctor, trying to explain. He calmed down only enough to drive and throw on normal clothes before carrying the pj-clad, blanketed Kaworu down to the car. Kaworu had been too distracted and exhausted to glide, so determined Shinji had just scooped him up and that was that. He was light enough not to be a problem, anyway.
Soon, Kaworu was laid out in a bed in the emergency room and Dr. Yukito and his assistants were stripping him down and checking him over while he cried out in pain and tried to squirm away from the poking and prodding. Shinji was hustled to the private waiting room to pace and update Shuichi's questions. He could hear some of Kaworu's protests even through the closed door. It was almost two hours before Dr. Yukito himself came in to talk to him.
"Alright, now I can tell you how he's doing, um, Ikari-Nagisa-san," Dr. Yukito began, thrown for a second by Shinji's new status with Kaworu. "We did an endoscopy on him and he's got a bad ulcer that's been bleeding for a while. The erosion ruptured a vessel and that put additional stress on him." Shinji slumped to the chair, stunned and waiting for the other shoe to fall.
"I'm concerned about his breathing as well. He's awfully congested lately and I'm not comfortable with the fact that he can't move his legs still." He took a breath, knowing this would be the real blow to Shinji. "So I'm admitting him again." Shinji groaned, running fingers through his hair as he leaned back. That won't go over well, I can see it now..
"How long, sensei?" he asked.
"For at least three days." Shinji groaned again. "Only because he needs it, I assure you. I'm aware of the fact that he hates this, but should he continue being in pain? We may not have a cure for him, but we can at least treat his symptoms."
Shinji reluctantly agreed. "Have you told him yet?" he asked, playing with his ring, making light bounce off the little diamond.
"Yes, I did. I had to sedate him a little again. He almost managed to bring up his AT field, but I got it into his arm in time. Fortunately no one but myself and my team saw him, so his secret is still safe. You can see him now, Ikari-Nagisa-san."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In the quiet, private room again, Shinji stood by his koi's bedside. This is like déjà vu He stifled a nervous giggle. Kaworu was hooked up to an I.V line and had small oxygen tubes in his nostrils as he lay there tucked in. He looked at Shinji blearily. "Can't we just go home Shin-chan?" he asked softly, yawning a bit. Shinji shook his head sadly and held Kaworu's hand. "Not yet Kao-chan. Gomenasai. You should rest now, but I'll stay with you for a while, okay?"
"Alright.. Oyasumi.." Kaworu said as he went under, eyes slamming shut. Shinji was tired as well and the stress took over, making him sit heavily in the guest's chair and rest his head on the bed. I'll just rest my eyes a little..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"So then. I see I'm doing this again." Kaworu found himself out of his body again, hovering in mid-air over it, looking down at Shinji sleeping in the chair. Poor Shinji. He's as worn out as I am He watched him for a while, until a familiar face showed up, 'sitting' by the window of his room.
"We meet again, Nagisa-kun?" Rei said, with a slight smile. "But it's Ikari-Nagisa now, isn't it? Yui and I are happy for you, but I can tell that something is wrong."
Kaworu nodded. "I'm dying, Ayanami/Yui-kun. And I still don't know why." He sighed, sitting in mid-air now. "I mean, I know the technicalities but not where this all came from."
"I could help you with that, if you want. But you must tell Shinji, Yui wants him to know so he doesn't keep blaming himself," Rei said, drifting over to him. Kaworu was stunned for a second. "You can? O - of course I'll let him know!"
"I had access to all of Seele's data before I erased it. Give me some time and I'll remember it, I promise you, Ikari-Nagisa-kun," Rei said quietly. "So tell me what you remember, to help me recall, onegai?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Kaworu ended up having to stay in the hospital for over a week and was miserable. He didn't talk much and was very depressed and uncomfortable, since Dr. Yukito insisted on extensive testing to make sure he wasn't bleeding anywhere else. He even had daily breathing treatments to help his damaged lungs and his medications were making him groggy. Shinji came by every day to keep him company and even Misato and Sakura visited a little. Sakura had cried a little when she saw how thin and exhausted he'd become.
"It's - okay - Sakura-kun," Kaworu had told her softly, in between deep breaths. He'd had to wear a little clear plastic oxygen mask for a while, so he didn't have to work so hard to breathe. Shinji sat in the bedside chair, quietly watching this girl who used to scare the hell out of him as she sat tentatively beside the propped up Kaworu on his bed. She seems so different now, like she doesn't know what to do with herself. I don't blame her. Neither do I
Kaworu had given her a small smile as he reached up with a shaky hand to brush at her tears and push aside her dark hair. "Don't cry - onegai?"
"I m-issed out - on s-so m-much!" Sakura cried, her voice hitching as she tried to calm down. "I m-issed y-you!" Shinji looked at her sympathetically and Kaworu had caught him then took a hand from them both, giving them a little squeeze. They looked at him, puzzled, but he didn't drop his smile. "It couldn't - be - helped - Sakura-kun. Don't - blame yourselves, - either of you," he said, coughing a little. Though concerned for him, they understood what he meant.
"You two - should talk - sometime. And talk - with Misato, too," he'd gone on. "Stay friends - okay?" They'd looked at each other, surprised to see pretty much the same emotions on their faces, then looked to Kaworu and promised him they would.
Eventually though, Kaworu couldn't take the hospital anymore. He'd had enough and one night, he said so. Before visiting hours were over, he waited 'til the doctor was in the room to check on him then said, "I want - to go home - now."
"Are you sure? This won't get any easier," Dr. Yukito said, glancing at the couple. Kaworu fought to stay awake. "Yes!" He started coughing deeply, angrily sitting up, his eyes squeezed shut in pain. He slumped back against the partly raised bed and took deep pulls from his little mask as Shinji held it over his nose and mouth for him. He looked Shinji in his deep blue eyes as he said, "Shinji - please take - me home now?"
Shinji could see the calmness in his crimson eyes. Despite it all, he can still be like that? I'm amazed "Of course, if it's what you really want?" Kaworu nodded and that was that. Dr. Yukito helped them make arrangements for Kaworu's home care. Shinji would do most of it, getting help from the doctor and Shuichi, if needed. And so began the last leg of the journey for the Ikari-Nagisa couple..
(Kaworu's Diary Entry)
August 25/I feel.. So strange lately. Ayanami/Yui-kun came to me early this morning, Shinji was still asleep in bed with me. She told me everything.. Seele created this disease in me as a fail-safe - so that I'd never truly escape their will. I was meant to die.. If not as the catalyst for the end of the Lilim, then like this, almost 20 years after my creation. There is no way to cure it or reverse it; it was engineered into my own genome.
I told Shinji, just as I promised and he took it well enough. What's done is done, so all we can do now is make the most of the time we have with each other. I already have everything in order, with help from Misato, so Shinji can rest easier about a few things, anyway. I think he knows that there's nothing he could've done to stop this, that it wasn't his fault, but I still try and show him anyway. I love my koibito and am so glad we became friends and partners. I'll miss Shinji and the girls so much..
(Sometime in October)
"I'll be back in a second, Kao-chan, I'm thirsty," Shinji said as he went to the kitchen. He'd been helping Kaworu with his physical therapy so his leg muscles wouldn't atrophy, but he needed a break. After his drink, he went back into their room to discover quite a sight.
Kaworu was sitting up in bed, his eyes closed in concentration. He still had his oxygen and I.V hook ups, but there was also a strange addition: a pair of large, slightly glowing, white-feathered wings had sprouted from his bare shoulders. Shinji stared in awe as he unsteadily crossed the room. "K - Kaworu?! Where-?" he began, but stopped as Kaworu turned his now opened eyes on him with a smile.
"I wanted - to feel - what it - was like," Kaworu said, in between raspy breaths. "I - wanted you - to see.." Shinji sat heavily on the edge of the bed and reached out shakily to touch the soft, almost unreal feathers. "T - they're beautiful.. I can't believe you made these." He looked at him with concern when Kaworu leaned forward, breathing deeply as his slender wings drooped. "But you shouldn't have done it. You must've used so much energy.." Shinji felt a long primary feather come out in his hand as he stroked a wing.
"Don't care. They're - my early - present - to you," Kaworu panted as Shinji watched him force himself to sit up straight. He shivered a little, wings twitching as a couple more feathers drifted to the floor.
"Are you cold? You took off your pj shirt," Shinji said as he stood up. Kaworu nodded and coughed deeply, wincing and hugging his chest in pain, a little blood at the corner of his mouth he felt Shinji absently wipe away.
"Let me warm you up, okay?" Shinji carefully navigated around all the tubes and his koi's new appendages and crawled into bed to sit behind him. He drew another blanket around the two of them and let Kaworu rest against his chest as he held him close, feeling the softness of the feathers against his cheek. Kaworu sighed, resting his head on Shinji's shoulder. "Arigato - koibito," he gasped and felt Shinji nuzzling his temple. "Sure thing, Kao-chan. You just relax and rest."
"So cold - tired.." Kaworu said softly as he shivered. Shinji felt the tears coming but didn't care. He blinked them off and sniffled, then began to gently rock back and forth slightly as he hummed an old song he heard when he was little. Kaworu smiled behind his mask as his eyes slowly slid shut. "Ai suru - Shinji.. Itsumo.." Shinji nodded, hugging Kaworu tight as he continued to lull him to sleep. "Itsumo Kaworu. I love you too.." He squeezed his eyes shut, a few tears sliding down his cheeks to fall onto Kaworu's pale skin, as a few more snowy feathers fluttered to rest on the carpet.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Oh, hello. You're Misato-san, aren't you?" a young woman with long dark hair and a small streak of violet color behind her ear said. Misato was on the elevator and turned to regard her with a raised brow. "Yes, um, who're you?" She seems familiar She was carrying a card in one hand and a small spray of flowers in the other. She looked a little sad though. I know the feeling. How much longer will this go on?
"I'm Wakai Sakura, a friend of Kaworu-kun and Shinji-kun. They told me about you, Misato-san. Were you coming for a visit too?" Sakura asked, glancing at the flowers and card Misato was holding. Misato gave a small smile, saying, "Yeah. Kaworu's still pretty sick and I thought they could both use some company. I see we've got the same idea." Sakura nodded and they continued the ride in silence.
As they approached the apartment door, they were surprised to see Shinji standing just outside it, staring out at the cityscape beyond the railing, in bare feet, shorts and a tank top. Misato noticed the smears of blood on his mouth and hand, shocked. They ran up to him, concerned that he didn't seem to notice their presence.
"Shinji? What's the matter?" Misato asked him, putting a hand on his shoulder as Shinji began to walk toward the railing. He stopped, blinked and turned to look at her with a stunned look on his face. His eyes were red and his flushed face tear streaked. He gawked at her without speaking for almost a minute. "What happened?!" she demanded, giving his shoulders a light shake back to reality.
Shinji screwed up his face and fell to his knees by them, starting to cry again. The two women knelt beside him, startled to see him like this, gory and broken, and Misato put an arm around him as he doubled over, bawling at the top of his lungs and she knew, glancing over him at Sakura, who gave her a knowing look. They hugged him tightly, letting him cry it out as they did a little crying of their own..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"So.. Is this it, Ayanami/Yui-kun?" Their astral selves hovered above the sobbing trio, looking down on them as Shinji's anguished screams carried over the two women's cries.
"It doesn't have to be. You are also the Angel of Free Will - Tabris-kun, ne?" Rei stated, calmly sitting in mid-air beside Kaworu. "You don't have to see the void or be reborn if you don't want to." She sighed. "Yui is sad for him. He'll need their support now.." Kaworu's ghostly form drifted closer to them, a sad smile on his face, glowing with pale light.
"He'll need a Guardian Angel then, won't he?" he asked, wrapping his handsome phantom wings around the trio and brushing Shinji's dark hair with his fingers. He saw Shinji look up suddenly, hope and sorrow in those blue eyes Kaworu knew so well. I could almost say that he could see me.. He leaned forward to brush his formless lips across Shinji's before backing off a bit. Shinji shuddered, slumping into Misato's arms, breathing hard to calm down.
"Yes. Yui and I agree that you'd be perfect for the job," Rei said with a slight smile. Kaworu turned brilliant red eyes up to her and grinned widely. "Then I accept! Shinji will never truly be alone, I promise to watch over him and stay with him." Rei nodded down to him. "That's good enough for us, Ikari-Nagisa-kun."
(Kaworu's Diary Entry; made by Shinji)
December 9/This is Ikari-Nagisa Shinji. I, um, was cleaning up for the holidays and I found my koibito's diary. (Gomenasai Kaworu, but I read it) It brought back so many memories.. Whether they were good or bad, I'll treasure them and this book. I'll write in it now, Kao-chan and I'll be myself, like you said. It's only been a couple months, but it feels like you're still here with me.. I like that. I never want to lose that.
It was a nice, private funeral, just like you'd arranged with Misato and you were cremated like you wanted. I've got your ashes in a little sealed urn on a little Shinto shrine in the living room. I even set it up with your picture and everything. I wouldn't call myself a strict devotee but I can feel YOUR spirit anyway. It's hard sometimes, koi, to keep going but I do. I don't know what I'll do with the rest of my life, maybe I'll go to college finally, with that sneaky fund you and Misato set me up with.
We keep in touch a lot, even with Sakura. Though she's still a little scary at times with her personality! I'm not getting another boyfriend or husband though. No one can compare to you and I don't want anyone else, anyway. I'm keeping all your stuff, too. I don't want to get rid of anything, especially that plushie you gave me.. And this diary and your special red silk shirt! I miss you a lot, the holidays aren't making it any easier, either.
I have to close this for now though, I've gotta finish putting together dinner and the tree. Misato had a free night off of work and Sakura's taking the subway from her and her roommate's apartment way out from Tokyo- 3. We're going to eat and trim out the tree. I - I even got a special ornament this year, like we used to do each year: an angel with real feathered wings. And well, I kept some of your feathers to remember you by.. I sort of shaped them into a big, wing-shaped fan and hung it on the wall in our bedroom. No one knows where such large feathers really came from, don't worry. It's our secret I even hung your surfboard up on the living room wall, that cherry tree branch design looks so pretty!
Ai suru, Kaworu. Itsumo.. I'll keep writing koi, I promise. Merry Christmas, Kao-chan. It won't be the same without you..
~OWARI~
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Well, it's over, the whole trilogy.. And this took me how long? Well, to give you an example, I originally started writing this (in the tablet) Oct. 16, 2002 and finished it on Dec. 9, 2002. As of the typing of this chapter, it's now May 9, 2003! Took me long enough, ne? Oh well, I loved writing this, even if it was depressing sometimes. Quite a few songs went into the creation of this fic, too many to name, but I'd always liked that Sara Mc Lachlan song 'I Will Remember You', so I had to use the lyrics at the opening of chapters 1-3, couldn't help it. The sappy thing at the opening of this chapter was just a dumb poem I wrote last year, pay it no mind. Hope you all enjoyed this and please review? Thanks to all who were polite with their comments!
Feel free to read the rest of my crap, this Kaworu & Shinji trilogy should be read like this: first 'Echoes of Angels', then this 4 chapter one, then the one-shot 'Days Go By'. Hopefully, not too confusing? Ja ne, minnasan!