If These Walls Could Talk
Chapter 16/?
A 7th Heaven Fanfic by Luckystar and Jordan
Simon
I stood in the bathroom, staring at the drops of blood next to the toilet. Just three tiny little drops, so insignificant-seeming. Yet the sight of them sent a fist into my stomach, the sickness pushing upward to clog my throat. I went back into the bedroom where Victoria was watching TV. Since arriving in Fallon, Nevada the day before, all she'd done was watch TV. During the night I'd awakened several times to see her staring mindlessly at it, and yet I wasn't sure if I should say anything to her about it. So I didn't. But now I knew I had to say something.
"Victoria?"
"Yeah?" She didn't look away from the screen.
"Can you come here for a minute?"
Without reacting she got up and joined me in the bathroom door. I pointed at the blood and her eyes followed, locking on the drops immediately. "Are you okay?"
She remained silent.
"It's okay, Tory. I won't be upset I just...are you...cutting again?"
I could tell by the fleeting expression on her face that she wanted to lie and say no, but she bit her lip. "I couldn't help it," she whispered.
Even though I'd already known it was true, I felt my soul flag at her confirmation. I tried not to show it though, and nodded as if I understood. "It's okay. We can deal with it, Tory. It's not the end of the world."
She looked at me then, and I flinched at the raw pain in her eyes. "Yes it is. I can't stop, Simon. I'm sorry." She turned away and went back into the room, sitting on the bed.
"We'll think of something else you can do instead." The words felt empty even as I said them.
"No. Why don't we just face it? I can't stop and I can't keep my promise to you."
"Because you need help. We can't just not talk about it or pretend it doesn't exist. It's a serious problem, Tory. But maybe we can over come it together if we face it head on."
"It's not your problem, Simon." Her shoulders were rounded and weariness was in every line of her body. I knew she had barely slept since we'd left home, and she'd only picked at her food. Futility engulfed me.
"It's our problem."
She stared at me almost defiantly, her chin sticking out. But I plunged on.
"You can't face it alone. You need help. You need support. That's me. I'm here to help you, support you, whatever you need."
"I'm not going to kill myself," she said, looking away. "It's just...something I have to do, okay? You don't understand."
"I understand that it helps you release some of the pain you feel."
She shrugged. "Anyone can read that in a book."
"But not everyone lives it like you are, like I am. Tory, I want to help you. If you need to cut, you need to cut and I realise I can't stop you and making you promise not to do it isn't fair."
Her head whipped around. "So how are you going to help me then, Simon? Hide everything that's sharp?"
I almost took a step back at her obvious anger, but held my ground. "No. I'm going to let you know I'm here when you need to talk and when you cut, I'm here to help you clean up the wounds so they won't get infected."
"I don't want you to help me. I want you to leave me alone."
"It's too late for that, Tory, don't you see? I would rather have you cut if you need to cut, than not be here with you at all." Her face was stricken and I knew I sounded too perfect, that I was trying too hard but I couldn't stop. "It's true. I love you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. But I do, and I am here. And I'm not going anywhere, Tory."
She popped suddenly from the bed like a cork, fists clenched at her sides. "I want you to leave, Simon!"
Aghast, this time I did step back, eyes wide. "Tory..."
"Go away! Go home and leave me the hell alone!"
I'd gone too far, way too far, and my throat closed. In all the years of knowing her, she'd never looked at me this way, not even when we got into squabbles as children. I struggled to maintain my composure.
"Okay, look. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything to you. But I'm not leaving. I'll go outside and give you time to yourself if that's what you want, but I am not leaving."
"Don't come back." Her voice was deadly calm. "Just get on a bus and go home and don't come back here and I never want to see you or talk to you again."
I should have left then. I should have kept my mouth shut. "I'm not leaving, Tory. I'll only be outside."
Standing by the sink, she picked up a tube of toothpaste and threw it at me. I ducked and it went sailing over my head to smack against the wall. Without looking at her I headed stiffly for the door, too stunned to feel or think anything.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Victoria
As soon as he is gone I can't believe what I just did. I fall to my knees by the sink and stay there. Maybe if I hold still I'll find out it's a dream. I'll find out everything is a dream. But my thighs, where I've been cutting so Simon won't see, sting, reminding me that everything is real.
I push myself up, stumbling, suddenly terrified that Simon really did leave, that I chased him away. In a panic I tear the door open.
He's sitting on the sidewalk just outside our room, knees drawn up and his head resting on them. He looks up.
"Oh Simon..." It's all I can get out.
He stands and takes me in his arms, and I let myself sink against him. I want to tell him I'm sorry, but I know I don't need to. I know by the way he strokes my hair and presses his cheek to the top of my head.
He pulls back a little after a few minutes and looks into my eyes. "Tory..."
I don't let myself think about it, I just kiss him. When our lips touch I know it's right. With Simon I will always be safe and always have someone who cares about me. With Simon I can face anything.
We move apart and he takes my hand, leading me back into the room and closing the door behind us. I go to sit on the bed and he is with me, still holding onto my hand as if he doesn't want to let go. And I don't want him to either. I want to kiss him again and I do.
"Are you okay?" He asks softly after a moment, and I know he's thinking of the rape.
"Yes."
"I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."
"I know. You're not."
"Good." There's relief on his face, but also concern, and I remember there is still so much he doesn't know.
"I love you, Simon."
"I love you, Tory." A tiny smile curves his lips.
"And...I think I'm ready to tell you what happened."
The smile vanishes, and total seriousness returns. "I'm listening."
I take a deep breath, and find that the idea of telling him lifts a terrible and heavy weight from somewhere deep inside of me. "My dad...my parents were having a fight that night at the foot of the stairs and he hit Mom. Her head slammed against the banister and it killed her."
"But Tory..." He frowns. "Your mom's not dead."
Chapter 16/?
A 7th Heaven Fanfic by Luckystar and Jordan
Simon
I stood in the bathroom, staring at the drops of blood next to the toilet. Just three tiny little drops, so insignificant-seeming. Yet the sight of them sent a fist into my stomach, the sickness pushing upward to clog my throat. I went back into the bedroom where Victoria was watching TV. Since arriving in Fallon, Nevada the day before, all she'd done was watch TV. During the night I'd awakened several times to see her staring mindlessly at it, and yet I wasn't sure if I should say anything to her about it. So I didn't. But now I knew I had to say something.
"Victoria?"
"Yeah?" She didn't look away from the screen.
"Can you come here for a minute?"
Without reacting she got up and joined me in the bathroom door. I pointed at the blood and her eyes followed, locking on the drops immediately. "Are you okay?"
She remained silent.
"It's okay, Tory. I won't be upset I just...are you...cutting again?"
I could tell by the fleeting expression on her face that she wanted to lie and say no, but she bit her lip. "I couldn't help it," she whispered.
Even though I'd already known it was true, I felt my soul flag at her confirmation. I tried not to show it though, and nodded as if I understood. "It's okay. We can deal with it, Tory. It's not the end of the world."
She looked at me then, and I flinched at the raw pain in her eyes. "Yes it is. I can't stop, Simon. I'm sorry." She turned away and went back into the room, sitting on the bed.
"We'll think of something else you can do instead." The words felt empty even as I said them.
"No. Why don't we just face it? I can't stop and I can't keep my promise to you."
"Because you need help. We can't just not talk about it or pretend it doesn't exist. It's a serious problem, Tory. But maybe we can over come it together if we face it head on."
"It's not your problem, Simon." Her shoulders were rounded and weariness was in every line of her body. I knew she had barely slept since we'd left home, and she'd only picked at her food. Futility engulfed me.
"It's our problem."
She stared at me almost defiantly, her chin sticking out. But I plunged on.
"You can't face it alone. You need help. You need support. That's me. I'm here to help you, support you, whatever you need."
"I'm not going to kill myself," she said, looking away. "It's just...something I have to do, okay? You don't understand."
"I understand that it helps you release some of the pain you feel."
She shrugged. "Anyone can read that in a book."
"But not everyone lives it like you are, like I am. Tory, I want to help you. If you need to cut, you need to cut and I realise I can't stop you and making you promise not to do it isn't fair."
Her head whipped around. "So how are you going to help me then, Simon? Hide everything that's sharp?"
I almost took a step back at her obvious anger, but held my ground. "No. I'm going to let you know I'm here when you need to talk and when you cut, I'm here to help you clean up the wounds so they won't get infected."
"I don't want you to help me. I want you to leave me alone."
"It's too late for that, Tory, don't you see? I would rather have you cut if you need to cut, than not be here with you at all." Her face was stricken and I knew I sounded too perfect, that I was trying too hard but I couldn't stop. "It's true. I love you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. But I do, and I am here. And I'm not going anywhere, Tory."
She popped suddenly from the bed like a cork, fists clenched at her sides. "I want you to leave, Simon!"
Aghast, this time I did step back, eyes wide. "Tory..."
"Go away! Go home and leave me the hell alone!"
I'd gone too far, way too far, and my throat closed. In all the years of knowing her, she'd never looked at me this way, not even when we got into squabbles as children. I struggled to maintain my composure.
"Okay, look. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything to you. But I'm not leaving. I'll go outside and give you time to yourself if that's what you want, but I am not leaving."
"Don't come back." Her voice was deadly calm. "Just get on a bus and go home and don't come back here and I never want to see you or talk to you again."
I should have left then. I should have kept my mouth shut. "I'm not leaving, Tory. I'll only be outside."
Standing by the sink, she picked up a tube of toothpaste and threw it at me. I ducked and it went sailing over my head to smack against the wall. Without looking at her I headed stiffly for the door, too stunned to feel or think anything.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Victoria
As soon as he is gone I can't believe what I just did. I fall to my knees by the sink and stay there. Maybe if I hold still I'll find out it's a dream. I'll find out everything is a dream. But my thighs, where I've been cutting so Simon won't see, sting, reminding me that everything is real.
I push myself up, stumbling, suddenly terrified that Simon really did leave, that I chased him away. In a panic I tear the door open.
He's sitting on the sidewalk just outside our room, knees drawn up and his head resting on them. He looks up.
"Oh Simon..." It's all I can get out.
He stands and takes me in his arms, and I let myself sink against him. I want to tell him I'm sorry, but I know I don't need to. I know by the way he strokes my hair and presses his cheek to the top of my head.
He pulls back a little after a few minutes and looks into my eyes. "Tory..."
I don't let myself think about it, I just kiss him. When our lips touch I know it's right. With Simon I will always be safe and always have someone who cares about me. With Simon I can face anything.
We move apart and he takes my hand, leading me back into the room and closing the door behind us. I go to sit on the bed and he is with me, still holding onto my hand as if he doesn't want to let go. And I don't want him to either. I want to kiss him again and I do.
"Are you okay?" He asks softly after a moment, and I know he's thinking of the rape.
"Yes."
"I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."
"I know. You're not."
"Good." There's relief on his face, but also concern, and I remember there is still so much he doesn't know.
"I love you, Simon."
"I love you, Tory." A tiny smile curves his lips.
"And...I think I'm ready to tell you what happened."
The smile vanishes, and total seriousness returns. "I'm listening."
I take a deep breath, and find that the idea of telling him lifts a terrible and heavy weight from somewhere deep inside of me. "My dad...my parents were having a fight that night at the foot of the stairs and he hit Mom. Her head slammed against the banister and it killed her."
"But Tory..." He frowns. "Your mom's not dead."