Title: How Can I Live Without You Steve?
Author: fan_fic_writer_uk
Email: fan_fic_writer_uk@yahoo.co.uk
Rating: R (just to be on the safe side)
a/n Okay I took a little break from my brain child 'Weskers Desire' (a C/W pairing which incidentally if you haven't read please do so as like any author I love peole to read my stories, and of course getting reviews;). This story is a lot different and is extremely depressing at least in the begining).
Note-I do NOT condone any of the happenings of this fic, so Please don't flame me for the ending.
I Also DO NOT own Resident Evil (I wish)
Chapter One: Grief is a Powerful Emotion
***
(Tape Recorder Begins)
I lie here on my bed, clinging to it like it's the only thing left in this world. I want to cry, I want to mourn but I can't. I've cried too much these past few weeks, I've cried all that I can, and now all that I have to show for it are red, swollen eyes that feel forever dried up, and a heart that feels like it's breaking in two. Day transcends to night but I don't notice, I don't care and I haven't since the day we left that God awful place. All of my days, all of my nights are filled by him. Even my sleep is not spared from his remembrance, my dreams, my nightmares his face clouds them all. I've seen him die a thousand times within them, but they are not the worst by far. The worst are when he survives, when he holds me tightly in his strong, gentle arms and I tell him that I love him too. The worst, the part that aches my heart to the very core, is when he smiles lovingly and moves into kiss me, and when we are on the verge of that oh so innocent kiss, he crumbles before me like dust to the ground, and once again Steve Burnside has left me, is gone from my reach, from my grasp, that's the worst.
It's not like the others haven't been there for me, or rather they were. But I'm inconsolable, I know that. I've pushed each of them away from me, even Chris. They have no idea what I'm going through, no idea. They try to feel sad, feel sorry for me but it does no good. These past few weeks I've stayed confined to my room, eating little, talking even less. I think the others have given up, I don't blame them if they have, nothing they can say or do can possibly help or heal me. I know Chris is hurt the most by my distance from him, but I can't help it. He wants to help me but his efforts are futile, I can't, I won't accept it. My life has lost all meaning since that day, I care nothing for Umbrella, my passion, my determination, has been cruelly taken away from me. My hate, my detestment pales in comparison to the pain I feel now.
I remember that day, it is permanently burned into my mind, but then again how could I forget? You don't forget something like that do you?. I remember desperately looking for him, I was anxious to see him, to see his face. I remember entering that room, hearing the door lock, but I didn't notice, I was to preoccupied. Opening the pass lock, walking slowly up that eerie corridor, he was all that mattered. And when I reached him, lying so helpless, my heart skipped a beat. It pained me to see him there like that, but the joy and elevation my heart felt when I saw him far surpassed any sadness I felt. He woke and when we talked and he told me of what Alexia had done I felt as if my heart would burst with the anger that I felt against that bitch Alexia, for what she had done to my Steve. I remember as I was helping him there, I still firmly and utterly believed that we would get out there together, get out alive. That's why I was in shock, why I was able to carry on as normal or near normal afterwards, it just didn't sink in. That's why I didn't react first of all when the change came over him. Even when he urged me to get away from him, I couldn't my concern was to great. What was happening didn't sink in either when he reverted to that form. I admit I was scared, fearful. I ran away from, it was instinct after all. He was, or appeared to be a monster then, but really he wasn't, his actions later proved that he was still Steve, my Steve. He ran after me, all I was concerned at the time was survival, how foolish I was. I thought I was safe when I reached the pass gate, when it closed I thought I'd be okay,...again how wrong I was.
Then it happened, that tentacle appeared from the wall, within a flash it had grabbed me and had began to squeeze the life out of me. It was then I thought I was going to die, in many ways I now reflect that it would have been much better if I had done so, after all I would never had to have lived the heartache I have since. I had a monster hacking at a gate with a giant axe, and another slowly killing me. I don't know why I tried to appeal to Steve, it was mad in retrospect really, I didn't or rather shouldn't have stood a chance. I gave him a pleading look with my eyes and my voice, I remember hoping to appeal to him, hoping a part of him was still there, perhaps I shouldn't have bothered. After all he sacrificed himself to save me, how cruel fate is. Attempting to save me cost him his own life, I feel forever responsible for what happened next.
With a cry that demon women dislodged her tentacle from me and instead plunged herself into Steve as she retracted it, a cowardly attack if there ever was one. That attack, even in his T virus state, the wound was far too severe. It was too much for the body of my Steve as he lay there knocked to the ground. It surprised me beyond belief when he reverted back to is human state, but then again he wasn't all that monster to begin with, he was too strong for that. I still wasn't thinking then, it was just my nature to run to his side. Once again ignorance blinded me as he lay there, I comforted him, giving him empty, ultimately useless words, he...no we still believed he'd survive, we'd gotten so far, overcome so much, he couldn't die, he just couldn't. All the words I told him may have been useless, but the words he spoke were not, I'll never forget them. They've caused me the greatest of joy that I know I have ever felt, but they've also caused me the greatest grief imaginable. "I love you Claire", they were his final words, they were life changing words for me. He spoke these words with uncertainty, his usual cockiness gone, they like the rest of him were innocent, beautiful. And this is what pains me to the very heart of my entire soul, the pain hurts me more than a thousand deaths ever possibly could. You see I was in love with him, whether or not I had truly admitted it to myself. I was completely and totally in love with him, every fibre in my body yearned to be with him, or has done so since. And I never told him I loved, I NEVER TOLD HIM THAT I LOVE HIM TOO, he died not knowing that the feeling was reciprocated. I have hated myself ever since, and will continue to do so eternally. He died like he had lived for the past few weeks, uncertain and practically alone, what use was I? I never told him I loved him too. I wonder if he knew? My life, as I have discovered, is nothing without him, I can't bare to live without him, there is no point in me living my life without him, I can't, I'm too weak, I need him. And this brings me to present day.
As I sit here, alone on this bed, in one hand I clasp the bed sheets, a poor comfort. In the other I clasp even more tightly, the only thing that has or rather will be the only thing that will be positive since Steve died, a razor. You see I am going to take the cowards way out, I'm not strong enough to survive without him, I need to see him again and this is the only way how, I'm going to kill myself. Please don't hate for what I'm about to do, I'm sorry but it is the only way. I haven't undertaken this decision lightly, don't think it's a spur of the moment thing. You can't possibly begin to understand what I've been through, and I hope you never will. I apologise to you the most Chris, but don't feel that you have lost your sister now, the real me died the day he did, the Claire you knew is already dead, I'm sorry. As I have said it is the only way, I will never recover, never heal from this experience, never. I have to stop talking about what I;m about to do, otherwise I know I'll chicken out of it, or worse, I'll fail at my attempt and only make it worse. Don't worry about the pain either, it is nothing compared to the emotional scars that have all but destroyed me. I'm sorry but I will have to stop the tape now, I can't allow you to hear me as I die, once again I'm sorry, please don't hate me I'm going to be happy.
(Tape recorder is turned off)
The razor glistened like silver in the dim lamp light of the room. Claire's heart raced in anticipation of what she was about to do. Part of her still debated whether she should or even could carry out the task before her. However in her heart she had already made up her mind and knew what she had to do. Slowly she raised the razor to her slender neck "I'm coming Steve" she whispered softly to the air as she sharply pulled the razor across her neck a small cry of joy escaping from her body.
As she had thought the pain didn't hurt, not at all. In fact it felt more like release, as if the events that had been bubbling up inside of her were finally being released. As she slumped forward and fell on the mattress, blood soaked by now, a smile played upon her lips. Soon she would be with him, her love, her Steve. Soon it would all be over, no more pain, no more agony, just complete bliss... Just him and her forever.
***
It was a dream about him again, except this time it was different. They were dancing in a large room, perhaps a ballroom. The song was lively but also intimate, truly blissful. She smiled a smile only she could muster, seductive, lust filled, love filled..happy. He in turn pulled her closer to him, fulfilled, content, in love, smiling a smile he to could only pull off. Their bodies as they met both vigorously radiated warmth, heat, passion...love for the other. Then there was the kiss. She lent in, he pulled her closer staring into her and their lips touched, it was innocent and utterly perfect as it happened. This time however Steve Burnside did not disappear as the kiss broke. Instead he smiled and looked at her, "Claire, I've been waiting" he exclaimed happily as he pulled her closer to his body, then gently he tugged her towards him and into the nearby light tat shone by him. That light slowly enveloped the pair and led her to bliss, to her happiness at last.
***
a/n Well that was it, I hope you liked it. Also I really hope I haven't caused any offence to anyone. I've tried to do this as tastefully as possible and explain in depth Claire's feelings and emotions, so PLEASE PLEASE don't flame me. There is no way that I condone the above sequence, in fact I'm completely against it. This is fiction, ONLY fiction, nothing more. Please R/R as I really need to know how this was accepted. I know it was really depressing and sad but it was an idea I had and thought it was more original and emotional than if Claire carried on as almost normal after Steve's death and slowly forgot about him. However don't despair it will get better (although it's likely to get a lot worse before then)
P.S Yes I know it was way, way too depressing but as I said it was an idea I just have to write.
Author: fan_fic_writer_uk
Email: fan_fic_writer_uk@yahoo.co.uk
Rating: R (just to be on the safe side)
a/n Okay I took a little break from my brain child 'Weskers Desire' (a C/W pairing which incidentally if you haven't read please do so as like any author I love peole to read my stories, and of course getting reviews;). This story is a lot different and is extremely depressing at least in the begining).
Note-I do NOT condone any of the happenings of this fic, so Please don't flame me for the ending.
I Also DO NOT own Resident Evil (I wish)
Chapter One: Grief is a Powerful Emotion
***
(Tape Recorder Begins)
I lie here on my bed, clinging to it like it's the only thing left in this world. I want to cry, I want to mourn but I can't. I've cried too much these past few weeks, I've cried all that I can, and now all that I have to show for it are red, swollen eyes that feel forever dried up, and a heart that feels like it's breaking in two. Day transcends to night but I don't notice, I don't care and I haven't since the day we left that God awful place. All of my days, all of my nights are filled by him. Even my sleep is not spared from his remembrance, my dreams, my nightmares his face clouds them all. I've seen him die a thousand times within them, but they are not the worst by far. The worst are when he survives, when he holds me tightly in his strong, gentle arms and I tell him that I love him too. The worst, the part that aches my heart to the very core, is when he smiles lovingly and moves into kiss me, and when we are on the verge of that oh so innocent kiss, he crumbles before me like dust to the ground, and once again Steve Burnside has left me, is gone from my reach, from my grasp, that's the worst.
It's not like the others haven't been there for me, or rather they were. But I'm inconsolable, I know that. I've pushed each of them away from me, even Chris. They have no idea what I'm going through, no idea. They try to feel sad, feel sorry for me but it does no good. These past few weeks I've stayed confined to my room, eating little, talking even less. I think the others have given up, I don't blame them if they have, nothing they can say or do can possibly help or heal me. I know Chris is hurt the most by my distance from him, but I can't help it. He wants to help me but his efforts are futile, I can't, I won't accept it. My life has lost all meaning since that day, I care nothing for Umbrella, my passion, my determination, has been cruelly taken away from me. My hate, my detestment pales in comparison to the pain I feel now.
I remember that day, it is permanently burned into my mind, but then again how could I forget? You don't forget something like that do you?. I remember desperately looking for him, I was anxious to see him, to see his face. I remember entering that room, hearing the door lock, but I didn't notice, I was to preoccupied. Opening the pass lock, walking slowly up that eerie corridor, he was all that mattered. And when I reached him, lying so helpless, my heart skipped a beat. It pained me to see him there like that, but the joy and elevation my heart felt when I saw him far surpassed any sadness I felt. He woke and when we talked and he told me of what Alexia had done I felt as if my heart would burst with the anger that I felt against that bitch Alexia, for what she had done to my Steve. I remember as I was helping him there, I still firmly and utterly believed that we would get out there together, get out alive. That's why I was in shock, why I was able to carry on as normal or near normal afterwards, it just didn't sink in. That's why I didn't react first of all when the change came over him. Even when he urged me to get away from him, I couldn't my concern was to great. What was happening didn't sink in either when he reverted to that form. I admit I was scared, fearful. I ran away from, it was instinct after all. He was, or appeared to be a monster then, but really he wasn't, his actions later proved that he was still Steve, my Steve. He ran after me, all I was concerned at the time was survival, how foolish I was. I thought I was safe when I reached the pass gate, when it closed I thought I'd be okay,...again how wrong I was.
Then it happened, that tentacle appeared from the wall, within a flash it had grabbed me and had began to squeeze the life out of me. It was then I thought I was going to die, in many ways I now reflect that it would have been much better if I had done so, after all I would never had to have lived the heartache I have since. I had a monster hacking at a gate with a giant axe, and another slowly killing me. I don't know why I tried to appeal to Steve, it was mad in retrospect really, I didn't or rather shouldn't have stood a chance. I gave him a pleading look with my eyes and my voice, I remember hoping to appeal to him, hoping a part of him was still there, perhaps I shouldn't have bothered. After all he sacrificed himself to save me, how cruel fate is. Attempting to save me cost him his own life, I feel forever responsible for what happened next.
With a cry that demon women dislodged her tentacle from me and instead plunged herself into Steve as she retracted it, a cowardly attack if there ever was one. That attack, even in his T virus state, the wound was far too severe. It was too much for the body of my Steve as he lay there knocked to the ground. It surprised me beyond belief when he reverted back to is human state, but then again he wasn't all that monster to begin with, he was too strong for that. I still wasn't thinking then, it was just my nature to run to his side. Once again ignorance blinded me as he lay there, I comforted him, giving him empty, ultimately useless words, he...no we still believed he'd survive, we'd gotten so far, overcome so much, he couldn't die, he just couldn't. All the words I told him may have been useless, but the words he spoke were not, I'll never forget them. They've caused me the greatest of joy that I know I have ever felt, but they've also caused me the greatest grief imaginable. "I love you Claire", they were his final words, they were life changing words for me. He spoke these words with uncertainty, his usual cockiness gone, they like the rest of him were innocent, beautiful. And this is what pains me to the very heart of my entire soul, the pain hurts me more than a thousand deaths ever possibly could. You see I was in love with him, whether or not I had truly admitted it to myself. I was completely and totally in love with him, every fibre in my body yearned to be with him, or has done so since. And I never told him I loved, I NEVER TOLD HIM THAT I LOVE HIM TOO, he died not knowing that the feeling was reciprocated. I have hated myself ever since, and will continue to do so eternally. He died like he had lived for the past few weeks, uncertain and practically alone, what use was I? I never told him I loved him too. I wonder if he knew? My life, as I have discovered, is nothing without him, I can't bare to live without him, there is no point in me living my life without him, I can't, I'm too weak, I need him. And this brings me to present day.
As I sit here, alone on this bed, in one hand I clasp the bed sheets, a poor comfort. In the other I clasp even more tightly, the only thing that has or rather will be the only thing that will be positive since Steve died, a razor. You see I am going to take the cowards way out, I'm not strong enough to survive without him, I need to see him again and this is the only way how, I'm going to kill myself. Please don't hate for what I'm about to do, I'm sorry but it is the only way. I haven't undertaken this decision lightly, don't think it's a spur of the moment thing. You can't possibly begin to understand what I've been through, and I hope you never will. I apologise to you the most Chris, but don't feel that you have lost your sister now, the real me died the day he did, the Claire you knew is already dead, I'm sorry. As I have said it is the only way, I will never recover, never heal from this experience, never. I have to stop talking about what I;m about to do, otherwise I know I'll chicken out of it, or worse, I'll fail at my attempt and only make it worse. Don't worry about the pain either, it is nothing compared to the emotional scars that have all but destroyed me. I'm sorry but I will have to stop the tape now, I can't allow you to hear me as I die, once again I'm sorry, please don't hate me I'm going to be happy.
(Tape recorder is turned off)
The razor glistened like silver in the dim lamp light of the room. Claire's heart raced in anticipation of what she was about to do. Part of her still debated whether she should or even could carry out the task before her. However in her heart she had already made up her mind and knew what she had to do. Slowly she raised the razor to her slender neck "I'm coming Steve" she whispered softly to the air as she sharply pulled the razor across her neck a small cry of joy escaping from her body.
As she had thought the pain didn't hurt, not at all. In fact it felt more like release, as if the events that had been bubbling up inside of her were finally being released. As she slumped forward and fell on the mattress, blood soaked by now, a smile played upon her lips. Soon she would be with him, her love, her Steve. Soon it would all be over, no more pain, no more agony, just complete bliss... Just him and her forever.
***
It was a dream about him again, except this time it was different. They were dancing in a large room, perhaps a ballroom. The song was lively but also intimate, truly blissful. She smiled a smile only she could muster, seductive, lust filled, love filled..happy. He in turn pulled her closer to him, fulfilled, content, in love, smiling a smile he to could only pull off. Their bodies as they met both vigorously radiated warmth, heat, passion...love for the other. Then there was the kiss. She lent in, he pulled her closer staring into her and their lips touched, it was innocent and utterly perfect as it happened. This time however Steve Burnside did not disappear as the kiss broke. Instead he smiled and looked at her, "Claire, I've been waiting" he exclaimed happily as he pulled her closer to his body, then gently he tugged her towards him and into the nearby light tat shone by him. That light slowly enveloped the pair and led her to bliss, to her happiness at last.
***
a/n Well that was it, I hope you liked it. Also I really hope I haven't caused any offence to anyone. I've tried to do this as tastefully as possible and explain in depth Claire's feelings and emotions, so PLEASE PLEASE don't flame me. There is no way that I condone the above sequence, in fact I'm completely against it. This is fiction, ONLY fiction, nothing more. Please R/R as I really need to know how this was accepted. I know it was really depressing and sad but it was an idea I had and thought it was more original and emotional than if Claire carried on as almost normal after Steve's death and slowly forgot about him. However don't despair it will get better (although it's likely to get a lot worse before then)
P.S Yes I know it was way, way too depressing but as I said it was an idea I just have to write.