Title: Learning To Live Without Steve
Author: fan_fic_writer_uk
Email: fan_fic_writer_uk@yahoo.co.uk
Rating: R
Language: English
Note- I do NOT own resident evil (like that wasn't obvious)
a/n Yeah I'm putting off my main fic Wesker's Desire a little more (planning chapter 11 by the way) as I thought I'd try and expand into other areas. I've decided that I'll develop this into a C/L fic as it's the only direction I can see it taking and from what I noticed there's a LOT of C/L fans, so this ones for you. If your a C/S fan then just diregard the rest of the fic and pretend chapter 1 was the ending (it was going to be originally anyway). You read the summary so you know what goes on, so just please R/R and enjoy my story, thanks.
Anyway, on with the fic.
Chapter Two: Confession
***
It's night once more, silent as it is again I can't get to sleep. I lie here on my bed awake trying, willing myself to go to sleep, but I can't, and it's all because she's once again playing on my mind. I can't get her out of my head, every time I close my eyes she's there flashing me one of her usual tomboy grins. When I'm awake I'm constantly drawn to thinking about her, I can't help it. It's been like this since she came back and I know it'll continue to do so, unless I break the cycle myself. I want to but since the events of Antarctica it's been near impossible. She's been so distant from us all, to wrapped up in her own grief, although I can't blame her, but how can anyone help her if she won't let them get close to her? It's been several months now since what happened in Antarctica but still there's no change in her. I mean it appears on the surface that she's fine, after all she smiles and laughs and things like that, of course that's when she's not up in her room which is practically all the time. that may surfice for the rest of the group but it doesn't for me, I know different. The smile, the laugh, it's just a front that she puts on, trying to fool us, to make us think she's coping alright. The real truth is that she's far from over her grief, but as I said she won't let anyone get close, not really close. She'll sit there and pretend that you've comforted her, but really it makes no difference to her, and it pains me to see her this way. The Claire that I knew is gone, at least for now, her spirit and soul have been knocked out of her, like a candle snuffed out, and I can't help but feel responsible, you see I'm to blame.
I should never have let her go alone to the Paris facility, if I hadn't maybe none of this would ever have happened. I knew she was going, she asked me to go with her but I was still too preoccupied with what had happened in Racoon City, namely my time with Ada. I was still in shock over what had happened with her even though time had passed. And in the beginning at least, I wasn't sure whether I was in love with her, after all there was an instant physical attraction between the two of us, at least on my part. However now I realise I'll never know, we never really knew each other, not in the slightest. For all I know she was just using me as an escape ticket, after all she was constantly cold and bitter towards me, that was until right at the end...but I'll never know. That's why I've been able to move on, tell myself that it was all in my head, I was just a way out for her, nothing more. For me the words could well hold some truth but for her it's different, I can sense that. She won't talk about it but from intuition something happened while she was with him, something big, something I wish I'd shared with her long ago. You cannot count the times I wish I'd gone with her but then again what good would it do? I didn't fully understand what she was doing at the time and I never could have imagined the consequences that they'd have on her...or on me. You see it's not just regret I feel for not going, it's jealousy.
I know it's selfish for me to think this way, especially at a time like this, but I can't help it. I feel that I've lost Claire since she's come back, and not just in the ways that I mentioned before. You can probably guess why I'm jealous, I'm in love with her. I didn't realise it before, I just took for granted that Claire would always be with me after what happened, when she left I discovered how deep my feelings ran. Once she was gone, I was instantly free of my thoughts of Ada, I missed her too much, Ada became a memory, nothing more. It was then I was forced to confront my feelings for Claire, it was then I found out just how much I felt for her and from then on I've just wanted to be with her. That's why it hurts so much while she's been back, I haven't been able to tell her how I feel, and that has caused me to be jealous, to be jealous of him. Jealous of a dead guy I never knew? yes I am, Why? you may ask, well I'll tell you. He had her heart whether or not I care to admit that to myself, something I haven't ever had the joy of. However I'm lying to myself when I say I'm jealous, I'm not, it runs much deeper than that, you see I'm hurt. It tears me to pieces to think that she loved him, I know she did, and it hurts so much.
Jealousy was just an excuse, it was a lie I was content to live. I told myself I was jealous of the time they spent together, jealous of the fact he meant so much to her. I told myself that jealousy and hurt were two different things, it made me feel better to believe that, as that way I couldn't get hurt, I wouldn't allow myself to get hurt. It was a pretence I willingly kept up in the vain hope it would be enough, I discover now it's not. The lies that I've put up with since she left and even more so since she's been back have all come to a head this night. That's why I'm here writing this taking comfort on an empty piece of paper. What do I expect from writing this? I don't really know. I suppose what I hope is that these words will help me to decide what I will do...but in truth my mind is already made up. My thoughts and feelings that are on these pages are just my feeble cling to hope, a hope that she may possibly feel the same way I do. Really though I think it's so that I can spend a few more minutes with the small chance, the small wish, the small hope that the feeling is mutual, instead of the rejection I'm convinced I'm going to get.
You see she doesn't love me does she? If she did it would have happened back in Racoon city. They say that love takes time to bloom but that wasn't true in their case. Maybe it's because they spent more time together than we did, it's something amongst many other thing that I've come to regret. You see if I'd been with her more and been somebody she felt she could depend on maybe things would be different, maybe. I just want her to see that I'm more than she sees me as... a lot more. That's why tonight is so important, tonight I tell her the truth.
That's where I bring this entry to a close, there's nothing left to say, or rather nothing else left to keep me from what I'm about to do. I feel I've poured out my heart and soul here and now and I wonder if it was the right thing to do, it just makes me a bigger target for hurt pain and rejection. Looking back at what I've written I doubt many people think that I'm anywhere near this complex, that I'm this emotional, that I have these sorts of feelings. It's not quite the impression I know that I've given in the past. Most think I'm just that rookie cop, nothing more, but that's where they're wrong I'm not as simple as I seem, I know that for sure at least. Maybe I'm just better at hiding my feelings than most, or should that be burying them? Either way I know what I'm going to do, what I've got to do. The consequences of my actions in the next few hours I know will most likely be dire and there will be repercussions. But I need to know, once and for all, I have to know.
Even rejection is better than living in this torment of uncertainty...well isn't it?
...to hell with the consequences.
***
Leon finished his heartfelt confession there and then and pushed the papers he had written aside. He led there on the bed for a while, twirling a finger compulsively around a loose lock of his hair, plucking up the courage he so desperately needed. *I'm not sure if I can do this*, he thought doubtfully, *If she doesn't feel the same then I've lost her. We won't be able to be around each other either, It'll be too awkward for her and too hurtful for me... however if she feels the same...*.
He sat up with a decisive sigh, it was decided *If there's a chance I've got to try*. He slowly pulled himself off of his creaking, well worn bed, beads of sweat already forming in anticipation of what he was about to do. Shakily he willed himself towards the door, feeling incredibly light headed all of a sudden as he did so. He pulled quickly down on his door handle, the adrenaline beginning to kick in. However the way in which he half walk, half stumbled across the hallway to Claire's room betrayed his new found confidence. Finding himself at Claire's bedroom door Leon wanted nothing more than to run back to the emotional safety his room offered, but he couldn't. His legs were like jelly and he just couldn't budge from the spot he was currently standing on, he had to do it, it was now or never. Taking up the power of the moment he was about to knock on the door before stopping himself, realising that it was already the small hours of the morning, Claire would have gone to bed a long time ago. About to turn back Leon's eyes were drawn to the small beams of light the cracks in the door let through into the hallway, Claire was awake as well. With both renewed joy, and renewed fear, he once again mentally and emotionally prepared to do what he felt he had to do.
Before he could stop himself or once again begin to procrastinate, he brought his shaking hand to the wooden door. A series of rapid timid knocks echoed around the silent hallway causing Leon to jump slightly despite himself. He stood there for a moment in front of the doorway awaiting a reply, instead he got none. Again he knocked on the door, a bit sharper and a slightly louder this time, but again there was no response from the other side of the door. He was in mixed emotions about not getting a reply, both disappointed and grateful at the same time. *Claire must've fallen asleep with the light on, probably reading or something* he thought as he turned slowly back to his room. But he had barely taken a few steps before he was struck by a intense gut feeling.
Perhaps it was the fact that he had waited so long for this moment, put it off for so long, thought about it so much. Perhaps it was the adrenaline of the spur of the moment. Or perhaps it was something more, something on a much deeper level, but Leon couldn't, wouldn't walk away from this, it was wrong, he knew it. He forced himself to turn around and face his future. He breathed strongly and heavily, preparing himself to enter Claire's bedroom. Carefully with an deep exhale of breath he pulled down on the golden door handle, in fear that either Claire was still awake or would wake up because of the noise he was making, however he needn't have worried. Leon silently and cautiously moved into the dimmed room, noticing Claire (who he thought was asleep) led on her stomach in her bed on the far side of the darkened room.
Practically creeping with each step he took he made his way over to her bed. Still a distance away he reflected on how peaceful she looked, even from this angle. *She's asleep, I can't wake her, I can wait* he thought as he gazed at her. He was about to turn away from her and go back to the comfort of his room once again, when he saw the blood on the bed sheets. At first it was only a few drops he could see, nothing to worry about. But as he stared intrigued at where she laid he saw more of it, great patches of it soaking the delicate cloth of the sheets. It was then true fear overwhelmed him completely. With anxiety running through his veins he ran to the bedside all ready dreading what he would find, although violently, violently hoping otherwise. With a movement of pure terror he outstretched his shaking arms and in one swift motion pulled Claire over, gasping with a cry of shock as he did so.
Under normal circumstances he would have most likely become an emotion wreck in a situation like this. However this time instinct immediately took over as he of course realised what had happened. His previous worries and now seemingly selfish thoughts were replaced with the absolute horror he felt as he gazed into the cold lifeless face before him, and the blood still dripping from her neck where the razor lay embedded. Suddenly finding his throat unusually dry and fear welling up inside of him, he prepared to speak.
"CLAIRE...CLAIRE...CLAIRE" he screamed at the top of his lungs as he held the body before him, shaking it slightly. "CLAIRE, PLEASE ANSWER ME...PLEASE WAKE UP", he cried as his words woke up the rest of the household in the surrounding rooms. The emotion of the situation began catching up with him, the tears began to fall freely as he repeated in a much more quieter voice "Claire please wake up", between sobs as he led against the body before him.
***
a/n Okay I hope chapter two kept up the emotion I'm trying to convey. I think it the story went particularly well in the beginning in first person mode but I don't think it was as good in third person, but mayabe I'm just trying too hard (although I think I should've spend some more time on this chapter). I've already got some ideas planned for chapter three but I probably won't start it until I've written chapter eleven 'Growing Closer' of Wesker's Desire.
In other news I'm currently planning these fics: 1)Sherry or Steve, Steve of Sherry', and 2)'Betrayed in more ways than one' (although I'm think of changing the title of the latter. For info on these fics read the bottom a/n of chapter ten of 'WD'. Also another fic I've planned since then is;
Not So Innocent-
Rebecca Chamber's is that goody goody S.T.A.R.S member, always one you can trust and rely on. She comes across as both slightly dumb and very loyal to her friends and authority. But what if she's not who she seems to be? What if her loyality are not where they seem to lie? What if her past is a dark, dark one?, What *really* happned in the mansion before the Alpha teem arrived? How did she survive so long? Why did Wesker really take a shot at her? And what if her future involves killing all of the remaining S.T.A.R. team members? What then...?
Okay update in a week to ten days (if the reviews start coming in).
Author: fan_fic_writer_uk
Email: fan_fic_writer_uk@yahoo.co.uk
Rating: R
Language: English
Note- I do NOT own resident evil (like that wasn't obvious)
a/n Yeah I'm putting off my main fic Wesker's Desire a little more (planning chapter 11 by the way) as I thought I'd try and expand into other areas. I've decided that I'll develop this into a C/L fic as it's the only direction I can see it taking and from what I noticed there's a LOT of C/L fans, so this ones for you. If your a C/S fan then just diregard the rest of the fic and pretend chapter 1 was the ending (it was going to be originally anyway). You read the summary so you know what goes on, so just please R/R and enjoy my story, thanks.
Anyway, on with the fic.
Chapter Two: Confession
***
It's night once more, silent as it is again I can't get to sleep. I lie here on my bed awake trying, willing myself to go to sleep, but I can't, and it's all because she's once again playing on my mind. I can't get her out of my head, every time I close my eyes she's there flashing me one of her usual tomboy grins. When I'm awake I'm constantly drawn to thinking about her, I can't help it. It's been like this since she came back and I know it'll continue to do so, unless I break the cycle myself. I want to but since the events of Antarctica it's been near impossible. She's been so distant from us all, to wrapped up in her own grief, although I can't blame her, but how can anyone help her if she won't let them get close to her? It's been several months now since what happened in Antarctica but still there's no change in her. I mean it appears on the surface that she's fine, after all she smiles and laughs and things like that, of course that's when she's not up in her room which is practically all the time. that may surfice for the rest of the group but it doesn't for me, I know different. The smile, the laugh, it's just a front that she puts on, trying to fool us, to make us think she's coping alright. The real truth is that she's far from over her grief, but as I said she won't let anyone get close, not really close. She'll sit there and pretend that you've comforted her, but really it makes no difference to her, and it pains me to see her this way. The Claire that I knew is gone, at least for now, her spirit and soul have been knocked out of her, like a candle snuffed out, and I can't help but feel responsible, you see I'm to blame.
I should never have let her go alone to the Paris facility, if I hadn't maybe none of this would ever have happened. I knew she was going, she asked me to go with her but I was still too preoccupied with what had happened in Racoon City, namely my time with Ada. I was still in shock over what had happened with her even though time had passed. And in the beginning at least, I wasn't sure whether I was in love with her, after all there was an instant physical attraction between the two of us, at least on my part. However now I realise I'll never know, we never really knew each other, not in the slightest. For all I know she was just using me as an escape ticket, after all she was constantly cold and bitter towards me, that was until right at the end...but I'll never know. That's why I've been able to move on, tell myself that it was all in my head, I was just a way out for her, nothing more. For me the words could well hold some truth but for her it's different, I can sense that. She won't talk about it but from intuition something happened while she was with him, something big, something I wish I'd shared with her long ago. You cannot count the times I wish I'd gone with her but then again what good would it do? I didn't fully understand what she was doing at the time and I never could have imagined the consequences that they'd have on her...or on me. You see it's not just regret I feel for not going, it's jealousy.
I know it's selfish for me to think this way, especially at a time like this, but I can't help it. I feel that I've lost Claire since she's come back, and not just in the ways that I mentioned before. You can probably guess why I'm jealous, I'm in love with her. I didn't realise it before, I just took for granted that Claire would always be with me after what happened, when she left I discovered how deep my feelings ran. Once she was gone, I was instantly free of my thoughts of Ada, I missed her too much, Ada became a memory, nothing more. It was then I was forced to confront my feelings for Claire, it was then I found out just how much I felt for her and from then on I've just wanted to be with her. That's why it hurts so much while she's been back, I haven't been able to tell her how I feel, and that has caused me to be jealous, to be jealous of him. Jealous of a dead guy I never knew? yes I am, Why? you may ask, well I'll tell you. He had her heart whether or not I care to admit that to myself, something I haven't ever had the joy of. However I'm lying to myself when I say I'm jealous, I'm not, it runs much deeper than that, you see I'm hurt. It tears me to pieces to think that she loved him, I know she did, and it hurts so much.
Jealousy was just an excuse, it was a lie I was content to live. I told myself I was jealous of the time they spent together, jealous of the fact he meant so much to her. I told myself that jealousy and hurt were two different things, it made me feel better to believe that, as that way I couldn't get hurt, I wouldn't allow myself to get hurt. It was a pretence I willingly kept up in the vain hope it would be enough, I discover now it's not. The lies that I've put up with since she left and even more so since she's been back have all come to a head this night. That's why I'm here writing this taking comfort on an empty piece of paper. What do I expect from writing this? I don't really know. I suppose what I hope is that these words will help me to decide what I will do...but in truth my mind is already made up. My thoughts and feelings that are on these pages are just my feeble cling to hope, a hope that she may possibly feel the same way I do. Really though I think it's so that I can spend a few more minutes with the small chance, the small wish, the small hope that the feeling is mutual, instead of the rejection I'm convinced I'm going to get.
You see she doesn't love me does she? If she did it would have happened back in Racoon city. They say that love takes time to bloom but that wasn't true in their case. Maybe it's because they spent more time together than we did, it's something amongst many other thing that I've come to regret. You see if I'd been with her more and been somebody she felt she could depend on maybe things would be different, maybe. I just want her to see that I'm more than she sees me as... a lot more. That's why tonight is so important, tonight I tell her the truth.
That's where I bring this entry to a close, there's nothing left to say, or rather nothing else left to keep me from what I'm about to do. I feel I've poured out my heart and soul here and now and I wonder if it was the right thing to do, it just makes me a bigger target for hurt pain and rejection. Looking back at what I've written I doubt many people think that I'm anywhere near this complex, that I'm this emotional, that I have these sorts of feelings. It's not quite the impression I know that I've given in the past. Most think I'm just that rookie cop, nothing more, but that's where they're wrong I'm not as simple as I seem, I know that for sure at least. Maybe I'm just better at hiding my feelings than most, or should that be burying them? Either way I know what I'm going to do, what I've got to do. The consequences of my actions in the next few hours I know will most likely be dire and there will be repercussions. But I need to know, once and for all, I have to know.
Even rejection is better than living in this torment of uncertainty...well isn't it?
...to hell with the consequences.
***
Leon finished his heartfelt confession there and then and pushed the papers he had written aside. He led there on the bed for a while, twirling a finger compulsively around a loose lock of his hair, plucking up the courage he so desperately needed. *I'm not sure if I can do this*, he thought doubtfully, *If she doesn't feel the same then I've lost her. We won't be able to be around each other either, It'll be too awkward for her and too hurtful for me... however if she feels the same...*.
He sat up with a decisive sigh, it was decided *If there's a chance I've got to try*. He slowly pulled himself off of his creaking, well worn bed, beads of sweat already forming in anticipation of what he was about to do. Shakily he willed himself towards the door, feeling incredibly light headed all of a sudden as he did so. He pulled quickly down on his door handle, the adrenaline beginning to kick in. However the way in which he half walk, half stumbled across the hallway to Claire's room betrayed his new found confidence. Finding himself at Claire's bedroom door Leon wanted nothing more than to run back to the emotional safety his room offered, but he couldn't. His legs were like jelly and he just couldn't budge from the spot he was currently standing on, he had to do it, it was now or never. Taking up the power of the moment he was about to knock on the door before stopping himself, realising that it was already the small hours of the morning, Claire would have gone to bed a long time ago. About to turn back Leon's eyes were drawn to the small beams of light the cracks in the door let through into the hallway, Claire was awake as well. With both renewed joy, and renewed fear, he once again mentally and emotionally prepared to do what he felt he had to do.
Before he could stop himself or once again begin to procrastinate, he brought his shaking hand to the wooden door. A series of rapid timid knocks echoed around the silent hallway causing Leon to jump slightly despite himself. He stood there for a moment in front of the doorway awaiting a reply, instead he got none. Again he knocked on the door, a bit sharper and a slightly louder this time, but again there was no response from the other side of the door. He was in mixed emotions about not getting a reply, both disappointed and grateful at the same time. *Claire must've fallen asleep with the light on, probably reading or something* he thought as he turned slowly back to his room. But he had barely taken a few steps before he was struck by a intense gut feeling.
Perhaps it was the fact that he had waited so long for this moment, put it off for so long, thought about it so much. Perhaps it was the adrenaline of the spur of the moment. Or perhaps it was something more, something on a much deeper level, but Leon couldn't, wouldn't walk away from this, it was wrong, he knew it. He forced himself to turn around and face his future. He breathed strongly and heavily, preparing himself to enter Claire's bedroom. Carefully with an deep exhale of breath he pulled down on the golden door handle, in fear that either Claire was still awake or would wake up because of the noise he was making, however he needn't have worried. Leon silently and cautiously moved into the dimmed room, noticing Claire (who he thought was asleep) led on her stomach in her bed on the far side of the darkened room.
Practically creeping with each step he took he made his way over to her bed. Still a distance away he reflected on how peaceful she looked, even from this angle. *She's asleep, I can't wake her, I can wait* he thought as he gazed at her. He was about to turn away from her and go back to the comfort of his room once again, when he saw the blood on the bed sheets. At first it was only a few drops he could see, nothing to worry about. But as he stared intrigued at where she laid he saw more of it, great patches of it soaking the delicate cloth of the sheets. It was then true fear overwhelmed him completely. With anxiety running through his veins he ran to the bedside all ready dreading what he would find, although violently, violently hoping otherwise. With a movement of pure terror he outstretched his shaking arms and in one swift motion pulled Claire over, gasping with a cry of shock as he did so.
Under normal circumstances he would have most likely become an emotion wreck in a situation like this. However this time instinct immediately took over as he of course realised what had happened. His previous worries and now seemingly selfish thoughts were replaced with the absolute horror he felt as he gazed into the cold lifeless face before him, and the blood still dripping from her neck where the razor lay embedded. Suddenly finding his throat unusually dry and fear welling up inside of him, he prepared to speak.
"CLAIRE...CLAIRE...CLAIRE" he screamed at the top of his lungs as he held the body before him, shaking it slightly. "CLAIRE, PLEASE ANSWER ME...PLEASE WAKE UP", he cried as his words woke up the rest of the household in the surrounding rooms. The emotion of the situation began catching up with him, the tears began to fall freely as he repeated in a much more quieter voice "Claire please wake up", between sobs as he led against the body before him.
***
a/n Okay I hope chapter two kept up the emotion I'm trying to convey. I think it the story went particularly well in the beginning in first person mode but I don't think it was as good in third person, but mayabe I'm just trying too hard (although I think I should've spend some more time on this chapter). I've already got some ideas planned for chapter three but I probably won't start it until I've written chapter eleven 'Growing Closer' of Wesker's Desire.
In other news I'm currently planning these fics: 1)Sherry or Steve, Steve of Sherry', and 2)'Betrayed in more ways than one' (although I'm think of changing the title of the latter. For info on these fics read the bottom a/n of chapter ten of 'WD'. Also another fic I've planned since then is;
Not So Innocent-
Rebecca Chamber's is that goody goody S.T.A.R.S member, always one you can trust and rely on. She comes across as both slightly dumb and very loyal to her friends and authority. But what if she's not who she seems to be? What if her loyality are not where they seem to lie? What if her past is a dark, dark one?, What *really* happned in the mansion before the Alpha teem arrived? How did she survive so long? Why did Wesker really take a shot at her? And what if her future involves killing all of the remaining S.T.A.R. team members? What then...?
Okay update in a week to ten days (if the reviews start coming in).