Chapter Seven: Bathroom Journey

This is a re-make for my STUPID COMPUTER DID NOT SAVE THE FIRST DRAFT RIGHT. UGH!!! Don't blame me if it doesn't make any sense. I REWROTE THIS IN RAGE.

Enough of my anger. How do you guys like this fiction so far? Judging from my reviews, the top three most used adjectives are "insane", "homosexual", and "hilarious". ::Smiles:: Thanks guys!

****

Sora carefully examined the cut on his mother/father's chest. Sora, then gathered up the courage to place his clown shoes on Cloud's yummy six-pack to steady himself as he tried to pull the gun blade out.

Sora tried and tried, but the gun blade refused to budge, obviously satisfied with its new victim. He gave up and plopped his ass on the ground.

"It's no use…" Sora said, looking at his hands. The blisters had popped up through blisters, and the bumps clearly showed through his white gloves. He sighed as he laid his aching head onto his blister-unaffected wrists. Riku looked at his best friend with pure pity.

"Sora…" Riku began, but he was interrupted by a certain person with certain motives. Oh wait, make that persons.

"Ahahaha! At last, I have found you Riku!" A small figure with a paper bag for a head with crudely shaped holes for eyes appeared on the pooped-out Ansem and his pet, Darkie.

"Aah!!" Sora yelled as he glomp/choked Riku. "It's the boogie man!" Sora hid his face in Riku's shoulders while squeezing the life out of him.

"What?! How dare you mistake my sexual class Sora!" She glared evilly at the suffocating Riku. She jumped off of Ansem and pointed at him. "You will die for putting homosexual influence on my guy!"

The poor Ansem fell over to his side with a sigh of relief after having the bulky load off of him. His five seconds of bliss was shattered when Kairi started yelling and breaking glass.

"Ansem! Go kill him!!!" She hollered, shaking her tiny fists with fury. Ansem gave her the "lazy eye" and rolled back over on his side as small Z's popped out in Arial font. Kairi's wine-colored hair turned into Hades' flames as her anger meter started filling up.

'Now's our chance Sora', was what Riku wanted to say, but since he was being choked to death, it came out more like "Nao owr chaz tsoreh!"

"What Riku? You have to do Number Two? Ok, I'll take you to the potty!" With these encouraging words, Sora lifted up the gagging Riku and scuttled away. Upon seeing those two run away, Kairi reached her limit break/trance/overdrive and cast her special move: Shriek.

"ANSEM~!!!!!! GO KILL RIKU!!!!! NOW!!!!" Her voice rumbled and quaked Traverse town with the force of 5,000,000 Super Novas. It broke all windows and collapsed houses and this of course, was a direct hit to Ansem who was lying down only two feet away from her. Ansem stood up in a craze and kept frantically hitting his ears like a sea lion in distress.

"Mwaargh! My ears!!! I can't hear!!! It's all gone~!!!" He began flopping around like the evil Magikarp he was until Kairi whacked him. Being in her Anger mode, her hit did twice the damage and had Ansem reeling over the remains of Aerith's apparel.

"Ewe. Smells like fresh onions…" Ansem muttered as he tossed Aerith's dress away with utter disgust. He rubbed his nose in crucial pain. He then looked into angrified Kairi's paper bag face.

"Aaah! Aah! I shall go kill Riku right away master!" The mage hastily bowed as he clambered off into to Riku and Sora's direction. Kairi then started wheezing.

"Stupid asthma…"

"Hey, little girl. Do you need an inhaler?" Said a middle-aged man we all know about. Kairi nodded.

"Well then, follow me and I'll give you lots of inhalers…" And he took Kairi to a place where no children would want to go: the abandoned house in Third District!

~

"Riku here! There's the bathroom!" Sora yelled. He pushed his friend in. "Now hurry up and go poo." Riku sweat dropped.

"Well, I guess I can explore this place…." Exploring is what Riku had in mind, but it was more like nostril torture. The previous entrance made by Cid had still left a decent amount of putrid odor that made Riku squeeze his nose until no air could get through. With the booze party going on, there were hurlers on every urinal and stall.

"Agh.., this is sick…" Riku muttered, muffled with his gloved hands on his face. He cautiously walked on until he saw a stall with an open door. Just as he reached to it, he peered in.

"My god!!!" Riku backed up so suddenly that he slipped over the greasy surface of the restroom's floor and fell on his tushie. There was a person in the stall, and it was Leon. After the ungraceful fall, Riku got up stiffly with his eyes fixed on Leon.

"L-L-Leon! What are you doing here?" Asked Riku, his voice and face faltering between being alarmed and afraid. Leon looked up. His face was a total mess; there were purple, droopy bags under his eyes, his eyelids were puffy and red, and his pale face along with the mountains of used tissue suggested that he had been crying.

"R-Riikuuuuu~!!! Cloud ditched me for Vincent~~~!!!!" With these blubberings, Leon held Riku and started sobbing hysterically into the boy's pants. Riku, taken aback by Leon's sudden loss in manliness just stood, too shocked to move.

Leon let go of Riku and started blowing his nose hard. "I'm sorry, Riku. It's just that…" He started weeping again.

"I wear these SEXY pants and grow my hair out LONG to make Cloud more attracted to me!!!! But no~ he goes for that freak-vampire!!!" Leon then began squeaking out incomprehensible words while flooding his face with tears. After awhile, he regained his audible voice.

"What is it that Cloud wants? Am I not HOT enough? Are these pants not tight enough to show my muscular legs? Damn it!!! You know how much of a wedgie I'm getting right now???" On cue, something went snap. "OWWWW!!!! @#$%^&*!!!! Curse those G-string!!!!"

"Leon, calm down. Cloud may not have meant to be with Vincent. I mean, look at *out there*. There are many sick people who wish to pair us up with others of the same sex, especially your BEST FRIEND." Riku stated, putting extreme emphasis on the end. The authoress was apparently not taking note.

"Oh you mean *them*," Leon said, wiping off the last of his tears. After Riku's prep talk, he looked a bit relieved.

"Well, I take your word for it Riku. I'll go apologize to Cloud right now. Bye!" Leon then ran off, trailing a bit of tissue paper on his shoes. Riku was amazed to see how fast Leon's mood changed and disappointed at the same time to know how much of Sora's simplicity came from him. He left the public restroom, shaking his hair as he went.

"Riku! You didn't take half as long as I expected!" Sora cried, getting Riku's glare in reply. Riku opened his mouth to say something, but noticed that his best friend was much more engrossed on the dark area of his pants.

'Shoot!' Riku thought to himself. 'Leon's tears left a wet spot on my pants! What's Sora going to think now?' He started panicking.

"Riku?" Riku jumped up slightly at the sound of Sora's pre-puberty voice. "Are you house breaken?" Riku thought for awhile before answering.

"House breaken??? Umm……oh. You mean house BROKEN." Riku wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Sora, that's a term used for ANIMALS."

"Still! It's only if you don't pee properly that you get that wet spot on your pants. Here, Riku. Watch how I do it." Sora said as he started to unzip his pants to show Riku how to excrete excessive liquid in a human body. Riku eyes widened.

"Aah! My virgin eyes! Stop Sora! I feel the hormones coming!!! The HORMONES!!!" Riku yelled, covering his eyes and running away. While running, he bumped into something hard. He looked up to see Ansem.

"Bwahahahaha! What a surprise, Riku!" Ansem said, smiling slightly. "Now my job will be easier in finishing you off!" Ansem raised his hands to cast a spell but Sora covered for Riku.

"Stop! You can't eat Riku! I won't let you!" Riku was touched by this moment. Sora, caring enough for Riku to protect him? To Riku's horror, the 'hormones' came back.

"Oh? So you are defending for someone who turned against you?" Ansem said.

"Stop trying to use the past as an excuse! I know that you possessed Riku when he turned against me! Stupid!" Sora bravely said. Riku stifled a laugh. The whole pot calling the kettle black business was going on. Ansem ignored the last comment.

"Whatever floats your boat. With, or without my master's orders, I will make you two succumb to the darkness!!!" Ansem started hovering lightly with the 'powers of darkness' orbs surrounding him.

"Fine! Bisexual freak!" Ansem's spell stopped midway, in him blushing furiously.

"Aargh!!! I am not a BISEXUAL FREAK!!!! Why does everyone call me that?!?! Just because I'm a comical clone of Sephiroth does not suggest any changes in my officially stated gender!!! Keep my sexuality out of this!!!" After that, that battlefield was silent. Riku, safe from being behind his hero, omitted one more thing.

"Pedophile."

"Aaaaargh~!!!!!!!!!"

****

I'm planning to end this soon. Next to the fact I'm losing interest in it, I'm making a new fic called "Ansem's Yaoi Adventure". Yes, it's self-advertisement but it's in my own fiction, so who cares?! If you have spare time when you have really NO NOTHING to do, please read and review it! ^_^;;

I WANT DEVIL MAY CRY 2.