NB: Same as before. I don't own Hellsing or anything else of worth.
Also, Thanks for the reviews! I'm not really sure where I'm going with this story, and I'm not sure if I should pursue this line of thought...very difficult...So bear with me...if you want.
Thoughts = //Blah blah, this is what I am thinking right now\\
PS: I wasn't sure what to rate this, so I rated it R for rather unpleasant and/or disturbing images. I dunno. I think it's disturbing.
**
Sleep.
At last.
Restless sleep.
It wasn't a kiss. Nothing so horribly terrifying as that could ever be called a kiss. He tore savagely at her, tearing her lips. She could feel nothing else of him. Just his mouth, his teeth.
She fought desperately. But not to get away. She lunged her head forward, trying to catch him with her own mouth.
Nothing.
The moment she gave up, allowed submission to guide her, his mouth would be on hers again.
Celes didn't want to wake up. She didn't want to give up her search. She needed to find him. Catch him. Hold him. But he eluded her every time.
He was the attacker. He was the controller.
//Master\\
**
Did she really need to apologize?
Celes stood outside of Arucard's chamber, staring at his door with her back against wall. Her stomach felt hollow, her knees weak, and her head pounded. She had not eaten in three days, her appetite diminishing severely in the two weeks since her rejection. The taste of that rejection in her mouth made her nauseous.
It was not a simple rejection. It was not an issue of a schoolgirl crush that would leave her silly and weepy for no more than a week.
It tore deeply into her. A rejection so hideous that Celes was certain that it severed all ties to her remaining humanity. She felt the need to claw herself, maul her body until she could find some proof that she still had some humanity left. The pain, even death, would be enough to convince her that she was still, if only a little, human.
But at that moment, Celes knew she had nothing. Not even the creature that created her, the monster that she was bound too, wanted her. All she had of him were her violent, reoccurring dreams.
//Is he punishing me?\\
The thought evoked a sob, and Celes brought her hands up over her mouth. //Is he punishing me for this?\\
She knew that he was. His voice was absent from her mind and she had seen him only once in those two weeks. Once, with Integra. She could almost feel his smirk as she passed them.
Her face burned with shame as she remembered clutching to him. //No matter how much I hate the fact...\\ Celes could still feel his coat clenched in her hands. She could feel her arms around his neck, and how her face felt nestled against his chest. //I can't help but love you.\\
Frowning slightly, she could remember his smell. Or lack thereof.
Celes hadn't considered it at the time. She was too focused on clinging to him to notice that Arucard had no smell. She could recall breathing in against him, and it was as if he wasn't there. It was as if she was just breathing in pure air.
//Was he really there? Am I going insane?\\
Celes slid one hand from her mouth and touched her face where Arucard had struck her. Her other hand dropped to her collar, where he had grabbed her tunic. His knuckles had pressed into her skin with a bruising pressure. Celes knew she had not imagined his presence. It was too real. Too painful.
She gripped the collar of her shirt as she thought of how angry she had made him. Angry enough to strike her. Angry enough to look at her with malice and disgust. And yet...
And yet he still allowed her to cling to him. He was more than strong enough to shove her away from him. He could have simply disappeared when she wrapped her arms around his neck, but he remained. //He was teasing me,\\ she told herself, shaking her head. //He was letting me hold him, letting me think that maybe there was something inside of him that wanted me to. Only so his rejection would be that much more amusing.\\
For the briefest moment, she felt a flash of hate tear through her body. But it was quickly swallowed, inundated with sorrow.
//I need to get out of here\\ she thought, feeling as though the walls of the hallway were closing in around her. //I need to get out now\\.
But she couldn't leave. It had taken too much courage for her to finally be able to resolve that apologizing to Arucard was in her best interest. It had also taken an exorbitant amount of courage to resolve not to apologize for loving him.
//Is he even capable of forgiving?\\ Celes really did not know, but she could not let her insubordinate act hang over her. //At least he'll know that I know I'm in the wrong.\\
She took a step away from the wall.
//It's easy. All I have to do is say that I'm sorry. It will never happen again. And then I'll leave. Done.\\
With a rising pressure in her chest, she let herself fall back against the stone wall. It was as if Arucard himself had reached out and pushed her back.
"I can't do this," Celes spoke aloud. She swallowed the growing lump in her throat and wiped her stinging eyes. For a moment, she believed that she would rather die than face Arucard again. Die a million agonizing deaths.
It was enough to make her move from the wall and walk quickly back to her room.
**
//Something is different...\\
She snapped to sudden awareness as if from black cloud. The darkness before her was so cold and complete that it seemed to peel at the back of her eyes, trying to let light in.
She was lying on a hard surface, shivering and curled up on her side. Against her chest Celes held something all to familiar. Something she had hoped she would never have to hold again in such a circumstance.
Entwining her fingers in his hair, Celes held his head tightly against her as she rose to a seated position. Despite the darkness, She could see his face. She could see her hands in his hair and her arms cradle him. She could see the deep red stains on her clothing, warm blood still seeping from where his body should have joined his neck.
//Master...\\
She noted that, for once, there was no hint of cruelty on his face. He almost looked peaceful. He was beautiful.
Celes raised his head against her so that the underside of her chin rested against his forehead. She was surprised to find his skin so warm. She relished that warmth, feeling herself tremble with cold. She allowed one hand to drift through his hair to his temple, and down his face. She found his skin surprisingly soft. When she raised her head to look down at him, she saw that his face seemed to glow with healthy life, despite his head being severed from the rest of his body.
Shifting so that she could cradle him in one arm, Celes traced the contours of his face with her fingertips. She guided them across his brow, over his cheekbones, down the straight ridge of his nose. There were no flaws, no blemish to betray him as human. He looked like an angel.
As she continued to explore his face, Celes avoided his lips. She could not bring her fingers to touch what appeared to be perfect softness. And yet-
She could not stop herself. She allowed her head to dip closer to his, and returning her hand into the depths of his hair, she placed her lips ever so lightly on his forehead. The contact caused her whole face to tingle, and eased the dark coldness that surrounded her.
//What am I doing?\\
A voice, barely discernable at the back of her mind, screamed at her to stop, to regard the severed head with fear and loathing. But she could not pull away. She could not stop her lips from leaving his forehead, trailing down his nose. She could not stop herself from delicately kissing each of his eyelids, his cheeks, and his chin.
Again, she hesitated over his lips. Not wanting the comforting tingle and warmth to evade her, she closed her eyes and let her mouth linger over his.
The contact was so light that she could barely feel him. Yet the moment she touched his lips, she was flooded with warmth. It started at the very tips of her toes, moving up her legs as though she were being submerged in liquid.
Keeping her lips over his, Celes opened her eyes as she felt the warmth envelope her from the waist down.
Her head jerked back in horror.
She watched his face dissolve with the rest of his head. What had been his hair oozed from her fingers, dripping into her lap. Blood continued to cover her body, and Celes saw countless crimson eyes blinking at her as she thought she was going to drown. She screamed. //Wake up now. You've got to wake up now!\\
For several seconds, the only sound that filled her mind was that of his malicious laughter.
She felt herself being pushed onto her back roughly. As if a blanket were being lifted from her, the warmth of Arucard's blood dissipated. Celes suddenly felt the pressure of his body on top of hers, pinning her down. As in her previous dreams, she could not see him, but this time she could feel far more than his mouth and teeth.
But he did not move to kiss her right away, to tear at her lips. Celes found that she could move her arms, and she reached up to find his face. He let her touch him, feel his expression. Her heart sank as she felt him grinning down at her. A grin void of good will.
Celes was shocked at the gentle kiss Arucard finally bestowed her. A kiss very much like the one she had given him earlier. Their lips barely touched, and Celes found herself lifting her head so that she could press her lips more firmly against his.
Her lips found nothing but cold air. He had evaded her again. Completely. She heard his laughter as the pressure of his body lifted, leaving her shivering and alone. //Teasing me. You're teasing me!\\
"Master!" Her voice tore from her throat angrily, but she was drowned out by his laughter.
"Really, Policewoman," Arucard's voice held unbridled amusement. "Am I really so enticing?"
At his words, Celes could do nothing but scream her rage and frustration at his retreating laughter.
**
Celes woke with a start, breathing heavily. She felt cold and clammy, and could not stop shivering. She hugged herself, trying to regain some warmth. //Why am I doing this to myself?\\
She shuddered, remembering how vivid her dream was. How real he felt. How badly she wanted to hold him, to be held. She remembered how cruel he was.
Celes began to cry, softly, as quietly as she could manage, rocking her body back and forth as if to comfort.
"Why are you doing this to me?\\
Also, Thanks for the reviews! I'm not really sure where I'm going with this story, and I'm not sure if I should pursue this line of thought...very difficult...So bear with me...if you want.
Thoughts = //Blah blah, this is what I am thinking right now\\
PS: I wasn't sure what to rate this, so I rated it R for rather unpleasant and/or disturbing images. I dunno. I think it's disturbing.
**
Sleep.
At last.
Restless sleep.
It wasn't a kiss. Nothing so horribly terrifying as that could ever be called a kiss. He tore savagely at her, tearing her lips. She could feel nothing else of him. Just his mouth, his teeth.
She fought desperately. But not to get away. She lunged her head forward, trying to catch him with her own mouth.
Nothing.
The moment she gave up, allowed submission to guide her, his mouth would be on hers again.
Celes didn't want to wake up. She didn't want to give up her search. She needed to find him. Catch him. Hold him. But he eluded her every time.
He was the attacker. He was the controller.
//Master\\
**
Did she really need to apologize?
Celes stood outside of Arucard's chamber, staring at his door with her back against wall. Her stomach felt hollow, her knees weak, and her head pounded. She had not eaten in three days, her appetite diminishing severely in the two weeks since her rejection. The taste of that rejection in her mouth made her nauseous.
It was not a simple rejection. It was not an issue of a schoolgirl crush that would leave her silly and weepy for no more than a week.
It tore deeply into her. A rejection so hideous that Celes was certain that it severed all ties to her remaining humanity. She felt the need to claw herself, maul her body until she could find some proof that she still had some humanity left. The pain, even death, would be enough to convince her that she was still, if only a little, human.
But at that moment, Celes knew she had nothing. Not even the creature that created her, the monster that she was bound too, wanted her. All she had of him were her violent, reoccurring dreams.
//Is he punishing me?\\
The thought evoked a sob, and Celes brought her hands up over her mouth. //Is he punishing me for this?\\
She knew that he was. His voice was absent from her mind and she had seen him only once in those two weeks. Once, with Integra. She could almost feel his smirk as she passed them.
Her face burned with shame as she remembered clutching to him. //No matter how much I hate the fact...\\ Celes could still feel his coat clenched in her hands. She could feel her arms around his neck, and how her face felt nestled against his chest. //I can't help but love you.\\
Frowning slightly, she could remember his smell. Or lack thereof.
Celes hadn't considered it at the time. She was too focused on clinging to him to notice that Arucard had no smell. She could recall breathing in against him, and it was as if he wasn't there. It was as if she was just breathing in pure air.
//Was he really there? Am I going insane?\\
Celes slid one hand from her mouth and touched her face where Arucard had struck her. Her other hand dropped to her collar, where he had grabbed her tunic. His knuckles had pressed into her skin with a bruising pressure. Celes knew she had not imagined his presence. It was too real. Too painful.
She gripped the collar of her shirt as she thought of how angry she had made him. Angry enough to strike her. Angry enough to look at her with malice and disgust. And yet...
And yet he still allowed her to cling to him. He was more than strong enough to shove her away from him. He could have simply disappeared when she wrapped her arms around his neck, but he remained. //He was teasing me,\\ she told herself, shaking her head. //He was letting me hold him, letting me think that maybe there was something inside of him that wanted me to. Only so his rejection would be that much more amusing.\\
For the briefest moment, she felt a flash of hate tear through her body. But it was quickly swallowed, inundated with sorrow.
//I need to get out of here\\ she thought, feeling as though the walls of the hallway were closing in around her. //I need to get out now\\.
But she couldn't leave. It had taken too much courage for her to finally be able to resolve that apologizing to Arucard was in her best interest. It had also taken an exorbitant amount of courage to resolve not to apologize for loving him.
//Is he even capable of forgiving?\\ Celes really did not know, but she could not let her insubordinate act hang over her. //At least he'll know that I know I'm in the wrong.\\
She took a step away from the wall.
//It's easy. All I have to do is say that I'm sorry. It will never happen again. And then I'll leave. Done.\\
With a rising pressure in her chest, she let herself fall back against the stone wall. It was as if Arucard himself had reached out and pushed her back.
"I can't do this," Celes spoke aloud. She swallowed the growing lump in her throat and wiped her stinging eyes. For a moment, she believed that she would rather die than face Arucard again. Die a million agonizing deaths.
It was enough to make her move from the wall and walk quickly back to her room.
**
//Something is different...\\
She snapped to sudden awareness as if from black cloud. The darkness before her was so cold and complete that it seemed to peel at the back of her eyes, trying to let light in.
She was lying on a hard surface, shivering and curled up on her side. Against her chest Celes held something all to familiar. Something she had hoped she would never have to hold again in such a circumstance.
Entwining her fingers in his hair, Celes held his head tightly against her as she rose to a seated position. Despite the darkness, She could see his face. She could see her hands in his hair and her arms cradle him. She could see the deep red stains on her clothing, warm blood still seeping from where his body should have joined his neck.
//Master...\\
She noted that, for once, there was no hint of cruelty on his face. He almost looked peaceful. He was beautiful.
Celes raised his head against her so that the underside of her chin rested against his forehead. She was surprised to find his skin so warm. She relished that warmth, feeling herself tremble with cold. She allowed one hand to drift through his hair to his temple, and down his face. She found his skin surprisingly soft. When she raised her head to look down at him, she saw that his face seemed to glow with healthy life, despite his head being severed from the rest of his body.
Shifting so that she could cradle him in one arm, Celes traced the contours of his face with her fingertips. She guided them across his brow, over his cheekbones, down the straight ridge of his nose. There were no flaws, no blemish to betray him as human. He looked like an angel.
As she continued to explore his face, Celes avoided his lips. She could not bring her fingers to touch what appeared to be perfect softness. And yet-
She could not stop herself. She allowed her head to dip closer to his, and returning her hand into the depths of his hair, she placed her lips ever so lightly on his forehead. The contact caused her whole face to tingle, and eased the dark coldness that surrounded her.
//What am I doing?\\
A voice, barely discernable at the back of her mind, screamed at her to stop, to regard the severed head with fear and loathing. But she could not pull away. She could not stop her lips from leaving his forehead, trailing down his nose. She could not stop herself from delicately kissing each of his eyelids, his cheeks, and his chin.
Again, she hesitated over his lips. Not wanting the comforting tingle and warmth to evade her, she closed her eyes and let her mouth linger over his.
The contact was so light that she could barely feel him. Yet the moment she touched his lips, she was flooded with warmth. It started at the very tips of her toes, moving up her legs as though she were being submerged in liquid.
Keeping her lips over his, Celes opened her eyes as she felt the warmth envelope her from the waist down.
Her head jerked back in horror.
She watched his face dissolve with the rest of his head. What had been his hair oozed from her fingers, dripping into her lap. Blood continued to cover her body, and Celes saw countless crimson eyes blinking at her as she thought she was going to drown. She screamed. //Wake up now. You've got to wake up now!\\
For several seconds, the only sound that filled her mind was that of his malicious laughter.
She felt herself being pushed onto her back roughly. As if a blanket were being lifted from her, the warmth of Arucard's blood dissipated. Celes suddenly felt the pressure of his body on top of hers, pinning her down. As in her previous dreams, she could not see him, but this time she could feel far more than his mouth and teeth.
But he did not move to kiss her right away, to tear at her lips. Celes found that she could move her arms, and she reached up to find his face. He let her touch him, feel his expression. Her heart sank as she felt him grinning down at her. A grin void of good will.
Celes was shocked at the gentle kiss Arucard finally bestowed her. A kiss very much like the one she had given him earlier. Their lips barely touched, and Celes found herself lifting her head so that she could press her lips more firmly against his.
Her lips found nothing but cold air. He had evaded her again. Completely. She heard his laughter as the pressure of his body lifted, leaving her shivering and alone. //Teasing me. You're teasing me!\\
"Master!" Her voice tore from her throat angrily, but she was drowned out by his laughter.
"Really, Policewoman," Arucard's voice held unbridled amusement. "Am I really so enticing?"
At his words, Celes could do nothing but scream her rage and frustration at his retreating laughter.
**
Celes woke with a start, breathing heavily. She felt cold and clammy, and could not stop shivering. She hugged herself, trying to regain some warmth. //Why am I doing this to myself?\\
She shuddered, remembering how vivid her dream was. How real he felt. How badly she wanted to hold him, to be held. She remembered how cruel he was.
Celes began to cry, softly, as quietly as she could manage, rocking her body back and forth as if to comfort.
"Why are you doing this to me?\\