What of us… what do I say…
Are we both from a different world…
Cause every breath that I take I breathe it for you…
I couldn't face my life without you…
And I'm so afraid… There's nothing to comfort us…
What am I… if I can't be yours…
Thanatos ~ If I Can't Be Yours
Dancing…
Yes, dancing…
I could see him laughing when he fell and I had a smile on my face as I kicked him…
I couldn't remember if it was just a memory or a dream…
But I looked and felt so happy…
It had to a dream.
Yes, it had to be a dream…
"Asuka!" Shinji reached out with his good arm stopping the girl from tripping over the loose board on the floor, "What were you thinking! You know there is a crack in the floor right there…you could have hurt yourself." He ended the statement feeling slightly ashamed for pulling her out of daydream while she looked so happy.
The smile on her face almost stopped him from calling out…he just wanted to see that innocent joyful smile on her face just a bit longer…
Asuka looked at the boy's hand that held a firm grip on her wrist preventing her from taking another trip, of course she could overpower the boy because of his condition but…
"Did we ever dance together Shinji?"
It was like this sometimes, she would suddenly remember something then ask him about it, at times she even fully remembered some memories, but just wanted his opinion on them.
Shinji blinked that question catching him off guard a bit, "…The only time we danced together was when we was preparing for the seventh Angel."
Why did she try so hard to remember…Shinji could only question himself not wanting to cause the girl any discomfort…Before 'it' happened she was so cold and alone…The pilot of Unit 01 sat back on the bed, his injuries weren't healed and some like his eye would never be completed heal. Taking this moment to get some rest, Shinji rested his head on one of the pillows and started to drift off into another one of his dreamless sleeps…
_____________________________
If I Can't Be Yours:
Final Chapter:
One More Final
_____________________________
The cool days passed by rather quick, but the long bitter cold nights always seemed to last forever…
Shinji long ago guessed that the trauma from the event caused his companion to lose some of her memory, but one thing he didn't know was if she just didn't want to talk about it for his sake of if she just didn't remember the events that took place at all…
He looked at another cloud passed by in the night sky, luckily for his sanity the sky was beginning to return to the way it once was, but one thing that just stuck out was the way that the stars shone as if they were diamonds and he was shinning a flashlight upon them.
"…Is this my fault?"
The young boy questioned himself as the moonlight shined down in its own majestic glory, "What if I made the wrong choice?" he said slowly as he closed his eyes trying to remember the look on Ayanami's face when he rejected her offer to initiate the Third Impact.
"…I should have committed~" Shinji stopped mid sentence trying to think of where that idea came from…
He looked up at the sky once more taking in a breath and releasing it in a soft sigh, "Its too late for that…I can't leave her alone…" the boy whispered almost silently as he could still remember the smiles that seemed to appear on her face more than ever before…
A single drop of rain lead the way for the others behind it as the clouds began to let loose the water they held.
Strip by strip…
Another one fell…
The thunder boomed as the white lighting started to materialize in the air…
Another wet bandage fell onto the damp sand…
A tear…then another strip fell…
One by one the medical white bandages that a girl took so much time and effort on, now lay on the wet grains of sand.
He now held his hands to his eye, the faint purple-bluish spots were still there but the pain was long gone, he could say the same for most of the spots on his torso, but his arm still felt like it was split in half and broken at the elbow…and he didn't even want to take the gauze off of his eye…
"…She doesn't deserve to be here." He said out loud as the rain continued to drench his hair and clothes. Shinji, despite the falling rain, looked skyward, "She doesn't belong here with me!!"
The thunder once again roared as if it tried to mimic the raw emotion in the boy's cries.
It was always his shortcomings…
He could have beat them…
It was always his weakness…
All he had to do was push her into the LCL…
It was always his…fault…
"…I'm sorry Asuka!!" He yelled as he sprinted off into the stormy night as the clouds gave witness to him running away…
~*~*~*~
I was running away…
I didn't want to think about why he had the smell of her perfume on his clothes…
But I couldn't just ignore it and the reason why was too obvious to be overlooked…
I just wanted to forget about it…if only for a while…
It didn't take long for me to find a way…
And that way was him, Shinji, the invincible pilot of Unit 01 who saves us all...
I…I kissed him…
That was my first kiss…then I realized that I was just using him…like a toy…
So I pulled away…I didn't mean for it to happen…
I was about to do…something but then I heard the door opening…
I…I had to play it off…
So I ran to the bathroom and filled my mouth with as much mouthwash as possible…and brushed my teeth as hard as I could…
I stayed in the bathroom for over an hour…
I just didn't want to see him hurt…
That's why I acted like this…not to be arrogant…I just didn't want to be hurt…
…But I hurt him so many times…
M-my pride wouldn't let me say sorry…
So I didn't…
Asuka sat up in the bed and looked around. She was in the same bed, in the same broke down house and it was still the same place…
Those dreams…or memories…were beginning to make her feel worried…
Shinji told her that is was probably just a case of temporary amnesia and that it was probably caused by all the stress that she went through but…
She wasn't sure if she exactly wanted to remember those 'stressed' moments…
Asuka stretched her arms and threw the thick blankets that covered the bed off of her, "I hope he is making breakfast or something."
The girl hopped off the bed, while slipping on her shoes, and walked to the bathroom. Although they didn't get any hot water because the water heater was broken, it still felt good to take a quick shower before the water became too cold…
As the cold water splashed against her body her mind wandered back to the dream she had…
Asuka grabbed the apple scented shampoo and began to build up a lather in her burgundy hair, "I wouldn't do that to him…I'm not like that." She insisted as the water continued to filter out the showerhead.
But in her mind a single question seemed to lodge itself thoughts refusing to leave…
What if she was like that?
I hate you Shinji.
She gasped as the thought disappeared almost as fast as it came to her…
Grabbing something to dry herself with, she turned off the water and prepared to ask Shinji what happened between them.
~*~*~*~
The boy simply walked around what was left of Toyko-3, although it was raining it didn't bother him much…
"Asuka," Shinji said aloud as he looked at what seemed to be endless collapsed buildings, and broken up pavement that covered the land, "Why… why you of all people?"
If anything… my father is suppose to be in her place, Shinji thought as the rain continued to soak him drop by drop, Or is this just my Hell… making it worse by her presence…
"But… I like having with me… it's just that I don't want her here."
His breathing began to grow all the more shallow as he slowed down his pace, "I… don't want to be forgiven. I… want her to hate me… but…" he trailed off as his breath seemed to be caught up in his throat… Sadly, he knew this feeling…
"I think… I love her." He managed to cough out as he slid down the side of what was left of a building.
He was dying….
As his eyelids felt so heavy… he could feel the cold trying to take him… the bitter cold…
Something that lay in that sea of LCL wanted his soul… it was drawing the very essence of his soul towards it…
He was returning to something… but that something wasn't what it once was… that thing that awaited his soul yearned for him. Shinji could feel himself slipping… he was indeed dying… Asuka's first aid wasn't enough to provide the vital care for his wounds… and he himself didn't have the medical knowledge to provide the care he needed and even if he did he didn't have the tools required.
Is this why he ran away again? To hide this from her… to hide the oncoming death that was bound to happen. Was it the fact that he didn't want to see her cry anymore… and not cause her anymore pain?
For but a brief moment, he was alive… yet he was dead. He existed but didn't exist.
He was both here and there…
A roar interrupted the boy's thoughts and caused Shinji to awake from what could have been his end.
As the boy's soul returned to his body, the monster, which laid at rest at the bottom of the LCL, eyes flashed a bright white before returning to the lifeless black they were…
~*~*~*~
Adam shook in fury as he thought of them as he walked, he would destroy both of them… he would destroy this Hell that he was banished to and completely obliterate anything that stood in his way.
The time was now.
The Angel didn't care if the pathetic Lillims didn't have their machines to fight him, he would completely crush them… especially the boy…
The barrier of the heart… the Absolute Terror field, the Angel would use it to test… the destroyer of Angels.
This Angel was a mighty foe, although the other Angels could think… Adam was the father… he knew no fear and but he knew many of things.
And as he marched step by step towards… him, the Angel knew although he was the first… he was also the last. He knew that the Heavens abandoned him, casting him off into this Hell with… them.
~*~*~*~
Shinji gasped as he felt the soft touch on his cheek, "Asuka…"
"You shouldn't walk around like… this Shinji," She paused as she helped him up, "I know you don't want to be trapped up in that little house. I don't want to be trapped there either but if you are going to walk away," Once again she paused searching for the right words and upon finding them she offered a small, but real smile, "Just tell me… I like being with-
"Why?" Shinji cut in… eyes looking towards the ground not being able to look her in the eyes, "Why me of all people Asuka… You could have left me alone, you even could have killed me… I wouldn't have mind if it was you." He said quickly just trying to get to the point.
"I… I love you Asuka. I don't think I can change that."
"Shinji-
"Let me finish Asuka… I… I want, no I wanted you to be with me. I'm sorry about how I acted… you only wanted to care for me, b-but I tried to run away from you," Shinji looked up at the girl as the rain continued to wet her hair and her clothes as she helped the boy walk towards their 'home', "Why do you forgive me Asuka… why won't you push me away like-
"I won't do it again… I won't push you away Shinji," Asuka said taking her turn to interrupt the boy, "I was to… ignorant to notice that you was there the whole time. If I needed your support you was behind me… if I needed your help you was beside me and if I needed to be protected you was in front of me." She whispered as they slowly came to a stop and while the two of them began to look at each other.
Shinji, who to his credit remained standing on his own power, looked at the girl before him… she wore a simple baby blue sundress she found in the house, her hair was not as lively as it once was, and her soft blue eyes that were once filled with determination now held untold stories of despair and agony… she looked more mature, like an adult who made it through the stress of life yet still carried the burden it caused atop her weary shoulders.
Asuka also looked at Shinji… he was dirty… his shoes and pants had mud on them and his shirt also held some mud stains along with a few pink spots… but it wasn't his appearance that plagued her so… it was his aura…
As he stood there looking her straight in the eye… she could feel his strength. The strength he used to protect the both of them along with the people who once populated Earth, she could feel his care his eyes projected on to her, but most of all she could the longing…
This was her Shinji… this wasn't the mask of appeasement he wore to impress his father or Misato, it wasn't friendliness he showed to his Rei and Hikari, and it wasn't the fake laughs he shared with his friends…
He watched her as she took a single step towards him… them more until they were mere centimeters apart.
"Shinji… I don't think I know what love is exactly. It might be mistaken for love, it may be a bonding of some sort between people, but I… I can't explain what I feel right now." Asuka touched the side of his face with his hand, "But… I like this feeling Shinji… and I want to share it with you…"
Shinji leaned forward, "And I want to share it with you… because I feel the same way…"
A kiss can be described as many a thing, but to these two people. This kiss was a sign of a relationship… it wasn't meant to evolve into anything and it wasn't lustful in anyway. For one of the two, it was a beginning… a release from the past to begin anew, but to the other it was but a bittersweet prelude to pain.
Shinji had a feeling… it was more like a sixth sense. Something was wrong and he knew that this relationship wouldn't, No, he thought quickly, It will last… it is just that…
"Shinji… why did you let me hate you?" She asked awaiting his answer as she leaned on his shoulder.
"Because you had the right to… and I didn't want you to take it out on anyone else."
She wiped what could have been a tear out of her eye, "Shinji was you always this nice to me?"
As he was about to answer that question… it appeared…
The Angel stood as tall as an Evangelion… and it looked like one…
Shinji was speechless… he thought K- the seventeenth was the last Angel, but for obvious reasons he didn't want to stay around to find out what trick this one had up it's sleeve.
"S-Shinji… why are you running towards it?!" Asuka asked as Shinji ran with her wrist firmly in his hand.
To put it simply, he didn't know… but he knew it was something in that LCL that was calling him, and running around the Angel would take to long… and he probably wouldn't make it anyway.
"Just… just trust me Asuka." He said as he continued running as fast as he could.
Adam seemed amused by the effort the Lillims were putting up to run… towards him?
Although the Angel has witness many a thing he has never seen one so eager to die, and he will allow them that comfort as he began to expand his AT field.
Now that he could see the hexagon shapes appearing he was sure that he didn't have the time to go around the Angel, "Asuka!" He yelled as he released her wrist, "Run towards the beach! I'm slowing you down…"
And she did… in nearly top physical form, she ran, gracefully Shinji noted, towards the LCL with Shinji faller farther and father behind her…
Adam would savor this moment… the girl may have 'gotten away' for the moment but the boy was his for the taking.
Revenge…
Only now has it realized… this was the reason he was cast down into this Hell.
Angels are suppose to pure… even though the others had intent to kill, it all was for the greater good. They were coming for him… for their father.
But…
He exchanged his purity for revenge… for hate and for that simple fact he was lost in his own vendetta.
As Shinji ran from under the Angel, he didn't have the time to ponder why he didn't crush him, but he did have time to be grateful that he didn't do it. The boy ran till his lungs burned and he continued run any longer, "Asuka," He called out his breathing growing all the more jagged, "Go…t-to the… L-
He trailed off as something burst through the calm surface of the LCL and roared loud enough to part the clouds…
Both the Children and Angel looked on in awe as the purple behemoth also known as Unit 01 reared its head back and roared again.
Now Adam could clearly see that he wasn't the only Angel trapped in this Hell… she was here to… but why?
It couldn't be revenge, Adam thought as the enraged beast dashed towards him…
As the Evangelion reached the Angel's AT field, it came to complete halt. Recovering from the shock, Adam expanded his AT field trying to force Unit 01 back…
However.
The purple Evangelion stood its ground and braced itself, the harder the Angel tried to push back the Evangelion, the more strain that was put on its mind.
Shinji and Asuka could only watch from the distance as Unit 01 released its own AT field, and as both collided with each other they tried to cancel one another out.
They were locked in a stalemate…
From behind the colliding AT fields, both of the giants watched each other… waiting for that mistake that would end it all.
Something, Shinji thought as he turned away from the fight and looked towards the LCL, something is calling me… it wants me to come to it…
"A… soul," the boy muttered as he turned around, "The soul of the Evangelion… it's gone…"
That what LCL was… the remains of the body after the soul was released… it just so happened that… his mother's soul also left the shell she was in…
The Evangelion freed one of its hands from the Angel's grip, and used it grab its arm and throw it to the ground, the sand quickly raised from the ground and the wind tossed it every which way creating a miniature sandstorm.
Nevertheless, the boy continued to stand as the sand blew past him as it rode the wind, and even though the dust was heavy in the air… he did not choke nor cough, he simply stood his eyes looking at something far off in the distance, "Asuka," Shinji called out in a shaky tone, "Do you want to know why this is my Hell?"
Adam dodged the punch aimed at his core, and used the momentum of the falling Evangelion to toss it to the side of him.
The girl in question turned towards him at the mention of her name and began shake her head side to side, "I don't want to know that! Why would somebody want to know something like-"
"Because it's important!"
Asuka was taken back a bit, "T-then if it is so important why are you just now wanting to tell me?" the red head whispered as she turned her attention back at the fight at hand.
"I understand what Ayanami was saying… Look for your self Asuka… look in the LCL."
Annoyed, she walked towards the mass of LCL to see why he was making so much talk about LCL while their lives decided on the fight before them…
She carefully examined the surface and seen nothing but the calm waves and her…
"Reflection." Shinji said as he came to stand beside her as the fight behind them raged on.
"What is so important about a reflection?" she asked as continued to look at the image of herself in the LCL.
The Evangelion caught the progressive knife that came out of its shoulder compartment and jumped back to its feet ready to engage the enemy once again…
"I-I don't know how to put it exactly… but I'll still try to explain. See, it is not a matter of dying… but it is where your soul is…"
Asuka nodded as he paused to make sure she understood.
"…My mother's soul was in Unit 01, and look at it now," He said as he pointed towards the purple Evangelion labeled Unit-01, "I-I seen the tapes and… and that isn't how it looks or acts Asuka."
She took this opportunity to look at the monster herself, and he was correct…
The blazing white eyes were now an empty black…
The roar that placed such fear into her… now sounded so hollow…
And one of the most, if not the most, important differences were that Unit 01 wasn't fighting to live… it was fighting to exist.
"A-Asuka," Shinji again called out bringing the girl back to the present, "I-I'm sorry… about this… I… I think it's my fault you are here…"
Unit 01 rushed the Angel and dug the prog knife deep into its torso and began to pull the handle of the vibrating blade upward to cut the core in half… but the Angel used its last chance to wrap its hands around the throat of the Eva…
She was about to reply until he started to speak again, "I noticed something when I first woke up on this beach… and you was by my side. When I finally got up, I-I noticed I couldn't see myself in the LCL… I thought it was just murky at first. Then I realized that soul is trapped here… I don't even know why, but…"
He paused… his chest was hurting… and eyelids were beginning to feel heavy again…
"But what!?" Asuka screamed as she rushed to his side.
For a brief moment, nothing could be heard in the desolate land… except for the sound of cracking… a familiar sound to both of the pilots…
Adam slowly fell back to the ground, as blood filtered out of the massive cut across the center of his torso…
The Evangelion was the victor… and now it would claim its prize…
Unit 01 leaped into the air and came down with force that it created a tremor that felt like an earthquake…
Asuka lost her balance and began to fall backwards into the LCL… she reached out as Shinji could only stare at her horrified, his body to weak to even stretch out his arm to save her…
I don't sleep… don't feel a thing…and my senses have all but gone…
Can't even cry from the pain…can't shed a tear now…I realize that we're not the same…and it makin' me sad…
Cause we can't fulfill our dreams in this life…
She was falling deeper into the LCL… as if it was taking her away.
Unit 01 motioned to grab Shinji… but the boy, despite his health, quickly rolled to the side. Shinji knew that… that thing was calling him. It was coming for his soul.
Shinji also knew that his running was futile…
Nevertheless, the Evangelion still managed to capture him… and held the boy firmly in its hand. It was too late to cry… or feel sorry for himself now. As a matter of fact, he didn't really care as long as Asuka got to safety…
Adam would have laughed if he could… for he also realized something. He was here because his soul was tainted and that was his fault alone. His wish for revenge was given to him, but now he had to ponder what his quest for revenge was really for…
These children… that never experience even a fraction of the time he spent living… he wanted to destroy them for 'killing' his children as they were trying to save the world…
But what he ultimately realized was that… it was also tainted. The very core of its being was penetrated by something… that used it. Thus, it was sent here for its soul was not pure…
Humans, although some were plain sick at heart, others wanted to live… No, they actually lived, unlike himself, they wanted to explore, and they wanted, no they tried to be happy even though in the long run most of them will simply be listed as just another faceless person…
And that is why he was doing this… why should something such as himself and that monster exist… but the boy was different.
His core imploded… for a few seconds all movement from every non-living and living thing ceased. Then the blinding light covered all that could be seen… and the sound of the explosion echoed throughout the universe…
The LCL began to boil and evaporate at speeds of which was never seen before…
The girl who long since feel into the LCL disappeared… her soul released from the pain that this place held…
The Angel, who was in the center of the explosion, simply ceased to be…
The Evangelion, who was so close to having another soul, was destroy cell by cell and atom by atom…
Shinji, however, sailed through the air… the sound of tainted souls whispered into his ear… Would he be trapped here forever… his soul being trapped here to join in the desperate screams of agony that is forever within the sound of the wind… or a part of the nightmares that plague people who are doomed to be trapped here also…
By doing this, Adam only released his own soul… but Shinji was sure that Unit 01 was destroyed… but it would always be a Hell.
Forgetting the burning pain, Shinji instead though of Asuka, "Thank… you."
And so… the boy soon fell to the ground only to be caught up in the explosion that consumed Adam and Unit 01.
~*~*~*~
"Ah," Asuka quickly set up in her bed… the same dream continued to haunt her almost every night… but more importantly, it was Shinji.
Everyone simply labeled the mass confusion as the Third Impact and moved on with their lives, but she, the sole survivor of NERV, would always be forced to remember.
She had learned a long time ago that being alone didn't mean that you were lonely… but she also learned that you could also be lonely even when surrounded by others.
Hikari would always try to rouse her from her depressing mood but she only smiled to make her best friend feel better… and life at the university was really fun… it was just she didn't feel like having fun much anymore.
As a matter of fact, life was fun… she could be anything she wanted now. She had her fame already… everyone knew about the pilot that saved the world. Money wasn't a problem.
She signed as laid back down on the bed. Yea… this was exactly what she wanted. She was one of the greatest now, if not the best, but… she was single. Nowadays it was very rare to find woman her age single, even girls younger than her were being married.
"Of all people… it had to be that idiot." She yarned and covered herself back up as she tried to return to sleep.
But she never noticed the presence of something in her room…
So I must… let us reign free…
I can never be what you need…
If there was a way through the hurt… then I would find it…I'll take the blows… Yes, I would fight it…
But this is the one… impossible dream to live…
"Yea, I love you too," the soul whispered dryly, "…and sweet dreams Asuka…"
What if I…
If I Can't Be Yours…Fin
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Ah, I actually feel like I fail this story a bit, but at least it is finished. _ I was planning to let Shinji live and place him in the real world with Asuka, but I just thought it was better like this.
Yes, with the oncoming summer, I will be able to write more. ^_^
Many thanks for reading, and many many thanks for reviewing. o.o