Chapter 5 Part 3

[Author's Note: an unprecedented third part, even longer than before, and still I can't get it done! It will certainly end with the next chapter, I promise. Don't expect it to be all plain sailing from now, though; more surprises planned]

From that time onwards, Rachel tried to put Julie's advice into practice. To the initial surprise of their friends, she refused to rise to the bait that Ross's often geekish behaviour offered, and when he teased her for some thoughtless remark, or needled her when he got a date, she did not respond in kind but ignored him, or simply gave him a smile. Once, when his comment was particularly barbed, she looked at him in a hurt sort of way, but relieved her feelings by muttering 'Some people think they are so smart,' to herself under her breath.

'What's that, Rachel?' said Chandler, leaning forward eagerly.

'Oh, nothing anyone needs to hear,' she said nonchalantly.

'Not even Ross?' he pursued.

'No,' she responded, trying to look as if she did not understand why Ross should be picked out, 'not even Ross.'

'Oh, you're no fun any more!' he cried in mock frustration.

'Oh Chandler, what a thing to say!' Julie put in. 'Of course Rachel's fun – I think so, anyway.'

Rachel smiled at her. 'I just don't see the fun in cutting at each other all the time,' she said. 'Sometimes people can take things seriously, even when they're not meant that way.'

All of a sudden Ross looked a bit shamefaced, but he made no comment himself. Thereafter, Rachel noticed, he was much more restrained in his teasing and left off needling her altogether, which she had to admit was a welcome development. But to her alarm, he also seemed at the same time to be becoming more distant. She commented as much to Julie when they left Central Perk one day to do some window-shopping.

'That was always a possibility,' said Julie, frowning a little. 'He could be moving to a stage where he really does think of you as nothing but his friend. Now is the time to start giving him hints that you feel more than that about him.'

Rachel looked at her gratefully, and suddenly reached an arm across and hugged Julie to her for a moment. 'Thanks, Julie,' she said. 'I couldn't ask for a better friend.'

A pang of desire that was almost painful shot through Julie. Oh God, she thought, I want to be more than your friend so much. Involuntarily she moaned.

'What's the matter?' said Rachel in concern. 'Did I hug you too hard?'

'No, no, it's okay,' Julie gasped hurriedly. 'Just … a thought.'

Rachel did not look wholly convinced, and for the rest of the day she showed a tendency to drift off in thought, that was so pronounced that the others noticed.

'Anyone on your mind?' said Phoebe archly, on one such occasion.

'Oh no,' said Rachel, smiling, then, with a brief look across at Ross, 'no more than usual, anyway.'

Monica and Phoebe caught each other's eye and exchanged meaningful glances, and Ross gave her a brief grin, but it looked strained, and to Rachel's disappointment he made no response. In the next days, when she gave him comparable hints, he looked uneasy, or made a joke of it in the way that Chandler would do, suggesting that someone like Rachel could not possibly be interested in him. It was all very worrying, and she had made up her mind to get Ross on his own and come straight out with the fact that she still had strong feelings for him, when suddenly he was hardly ever around. He still appeared at breakfast in the apartment, but his mind was obviously elsewhere, and he never stayed long in Central Perk, just exchanging a few comments and gulping down his coffee before hurrying off again.

This changed pattern of behaviour did not go unnoticed, and the others began speculating on it one day in Central Perk. Tactless as she sometimes was, Phoebe was the one to suggest that Ross must have started seeing someone, and it was hotting up. Rachel sat bolt upright, feeling as if an icy hand had gripped her heart.

Monica looked at her with concern and hastily said, 'Oh, maybe it's just there's some big project on at the museum.'

Rachel relaxed, to stiffen again when Chandler said, 'Yeah, but usually we hear all about that.'

Phoebe and Joey groaned in sympathy, but then Phoebe looked at Rachel also. She had gone pale, and Phoebe cursed herself for her thoughtlessness. Then Monica leaned in to Rachel and murmured, 'I'll see what I can find out.'

'Thanks, Mon,' said Rachel with real gratitude. She tried to keep calm, but mentally she was in turmoil. Could Ross really have found someone else? Unfortunately, Julie was not there to analyse the situation for her. Suddenly Chandler caught on, and he nudged Joey heavily in the ribs when he appeared about to start in on further speculation about Ross's love life.

Over the next days Rachel felt progressively worse and worse. If Monica had found anything out, she wasn't telling, but Rachel noticed that she seemed to start being unusually kind to her, and that Phoebe, Chandler and Joey were also treating her with notable indulgence. Then she began to notice them getting together in little groups and talking urgently, too quietly to be heard, and stopping conversations suddenly when she came into Central Perk. After a week, she had had enough.

'Okay, you guys,' she said when all except Ross were gathered in Central Perk early one Saturday evening. 'What's up? You're keeping something from me, I can tell. Is it about Ross?' She kept her tone light, with some effort.

'Yeah, I'd like to know what's going on too,' said Julie.

The others looked at each other.

'The jig's up,' said Chandler. 'We can't keep it hidden any longer.'

Monica sighed. 'I'm afraid you're right.' She reached out and took Rachel's hand. 'Sweetie, it is about Ross. He' – she swallowed – 'he has a new girl-friend, and it seems pretty serious. He hasn't brought her in, because he didn't want to upset you, so he says. I … I was hoping it might peter out, which is why I didn't tell you.'

'I think he's starting to, y'know, distance himself from us, the rat,' said Phoebe hotly.

'Now, Pheebs – ' Chandler protested.

'I know what you're going to say,' Phoebe snapped. 'People have to grow, we can't live in our little self-contained world for ever, all that psychological crap Roger used to spout. Well, maybe so, but he didn't have to do it like this.'

Monica squeezed Rachel's hand. 'H-how are you taking this, sweetie?' she said softly. There were tears in her eyes.

Rachel felt numb. Her worst fears had been realised, yet it seemed she could not feel anything. 'I … don't know,' she said. 'I can't seem to take it in. This, you think this is really the end of me and Ross?' Her eyes pleaded with Monica to hold out some hope.

Monica swallowed again, her face showing the pain that Rachel thought she ought to be feeling. She seemed to choke back a sob. 'Barring some kind of miracle, yes,' she got out.

'Who, who is it?' Rachel stammered. 'Anyone we know?'

'Some floozie in that museum,' Phoebe snarled. 'They seem to be in never-ending supply. Why can't they, like, date their own kind and leave Ross alone?'

'But he is their own kind, Phoebe,' said Julie gently. 'That's always been a factor you have all tended to overlook. Even Carol, as a teacher, was naturally closer to him in interests and bent of character than you guys are, to be honest.'

Rachel suddenly felt light-headed. Her sight went dark for a moment, she had a falling sensation, and then she recovered to find herself lying across Monica's knees, with Monica, Phoebe and Julie looking down at her, Chandler and Joey hovering behind them, and even Gunther in the offing, all with sad expressions. Monica had tear-streaks running down her face.

'What happened?' Rachel croaked.

'You blacked out for a moment,' said Phoebe.

'Oh God, Rach, is there anything we can do?' said Monica in a heartfelt tone.

'I – ' Rachel got out, before she choked and began to sob. But this was only for a moment; then she tried to pull herself together, biting her lip hard again. 'I don't know what to do,' she said sadly. 'Everything … my hopes, my dreams … they're all dead and gone.' She sniffed, and bit her lip again.

'You know what might help,' said Phoebe rather tentatively. 'You could have a wake, like the Irish do. They drink in honour of the dead. It could give you, y'know, some kind of closure.'

Rachel sat up. 'That's not a bad idea,' she said. 'Maybe we could even go to an Irish bar, find some fun, music and singing and all that. I think I could use something like that. Who's with me?'

'I am,' said Julie at once, and Phoebe followed suit a moment later. Monica sighed and said, 'I suppose someone will have to look after you all and keep you out of mischief. Count me in.'

Rachel looked at the men. Joey shook his head. 'Got a big date tonight. I can't show up with drink on my breath.'

Chandler looked acutely uncomfortable. 'I, er, don't think this is my sort of occasion,' he stammered. 'You'd be better off without me.'

Phoebe made noises obviously intended to sound like a chicken.

'No, maybe he's right,' said Monica. 'A girls-only wake seems appropriate for the end of a love.'

Involuntarily Rachel sobbed, and Monica looked at her very apologetically and squeezed her hand again. 'I'm sorry, sweetie,' she said. 'I'm not thinking straight.'

'That's okay,' said Rachel softly. 'Come on, let's hunt up a nice cheerful bar.'

Gunther preceded them to the door. 'I'm sorry, Rachel,' was all he said, but his eyes looked a lot more. Oh God, he has a crush on me, Rachel realised, but she did not want even to think about the implications of that. 'Thanks, Gunther,' she managed to say in a fairly level voice.

Her memories of that night were not very distinct later, but she did remember that they had first found an Irish bar where there was a live band. The music, singing and easy drink-fuelled friendship with other patrons had carried Rachel onwards on a tide of increasingly wild gaiety, but eventually she felt restless, and from there they had gone on, winding up in a karaoke bar, where all had performed. By the time she got the urge to move again, it was getting late but she was not in the mood to go home.

'Let's do something really wild,' she said eagerly to the others. 'Let's go to a strip club and laugh at all the men drooling over the girls.'

'I'm not sure they'd like that, sweetie,' said Monica anxiously, 'and the drinks in those places are ridiculously overpriced.'

'I wanna go!' Rachel cried, stamping her foot petulantly.

'Just for a short time, then,' said Monica. 'It's really quite late.'

'We must stick with her,' Julie whispered. 'She's not in a fit state to be out on her own.'

As it turned out, they were not in the strip club for long. The first drink, which was as overpriced as Monica expected, but at least was strong, turned Rachel into a rather maudlin drunk. She began telling her sad story to men at a neighbouring table, who were not interested and quickly got restive, and they were asked to leave.

When they were outside again, the streets were nearly empty.

'Why is there never a cab around when you want one?' Monica complained as she scanned the street, while Phoebe and Julie supported Rachel, who was definitely unsteady on her feet.

'Hey, we're not far from my apartment,' said Julie. 'Let's take her there. She can sleep over if necessary.'

This looked like the best option, so with some effort they got Rachel to the apartment. But the walk did not clear her head, and she had hardly been settled in a chair before she passed out.

'Now what are we going to do?' said Monica, shaking her head in irritation.

'Leave her here,' said Julie. 'I've got a spare bed. You can bring round some clean clothes in the morning. I guess she won't be up and about very early. She'll feel awful tomorrow, poor thing.' She looked down at Rachel with considerable affection.

'Okay, let's get her to your bed,' said Phoebe. They carried Rachel to the bed, undressed her down to her underwear and tucked her up. During this she came to, but only looked at them, smiled vaguely, and closed her eyes again. Julie fetched a basin in case of 'accidents', and then Monica and Phoebe phoned for a cab and left.

Rachel slept through the night without trouble, but when she woke, with the distinct impression that someone had just kissed her on the cheek, and found herself in a strange bed, she moved her head in trying to look around and instantly regretted it. She moaned and shut her eyes again, but this induced a feeling of nausea that strengthened; suddenly, she felt she had to throw up. Sitting up quickly, she noticed the basin thoughtfully provided and made immediate use of it.

'You're probably the better for that,' said a cheerful voice. She turned her head very cautiously, to see Julie smiling at her from the doorway. 'Now you may not agree,' she went on, 'but I think it would be a good idea to get some food inside you – dry toast, maybe. But first, some coffee?'

'Thanks, Julie,' Rachel croaked. 'Coffee sounds good, I think. But I need to wash my face.'

Julie gave her a robe and showed her the bathroom. Shortly she was seated in Julie's kitchen, feeling a little better. She stared into her coffee, trying to remember the night before.

'I didn't do anything too awful, did I?' she asked apprehensively.

'You were fine,' said Julie reassuringly. 'You did have a tendency to get very friendly very fast and once or twice you started telling people the story of you and Ross, whether they wanted to hear it or not, but if everyone on a bender behaved like you the world would be a better place, especially on Saturday nights.'

Rachel laughed, but then looked gloomy. 'Yeah, me and Ross,' she muttered.

'How are you feeling about that?' said Julie softly.

'It's … a dull ache,' said Rachel, 'but, oh Julie, it feels like it's part of me.' She raised her head, and Julie was saddened by the pain in her eyes. 'I probably shouldn't ask this,' Rachel said, 'but who else can I ask? How did you get over Ross?'

'Well,' said Julie, 'I had my work. It helps to have something fairly demanding to do. Then there was that guy Russ, but like you I found he was just too like Ross without being him. It just felt weird. When I broke up with him, well, I got into a very active research program in China, and since I came back I've been working on publishing the results. That's what archaeologists and paleontologists are supposed to do – no good digging stuff up if you don't publish it. So, when I saw Ross again, I was over him, really. It hurt at first, to be reminded, which is why I was nasty to him. But that seems like it was a last flicker. Since then, I've been able to relate to him as a friend – ' She stopped abruptly, when she perceived that Rachel was desperately trying not to cry.

'That's going to be so hard,' said Rachel in a half-whisper, 'after all we were to each other – and continuing to see him a lot, except that I'm not, at the moment. Oh Julie, have I ruined my life?'

Finally the tears came. Julie rushed over, knelt down beside her and pulled her into an embrace. 'Let it out, Rachel,' she said. 'It may help. No, I don't think you've ruined your life. You're young still, too young to despair like that. There's plenty of guys out there who are every bit as good as Ross – I could name you some nice paleontologists.' She paused, but Rachel did not respond to this lame attempt at humour, simply crying harder. 'Oh, my poor baby,' said Julie, a tear or two coming from her own eyes in sympathy as she pulled Rachel's head onto her shoulder and patted her, trying to be comforting.

Finally Rachel began to recover. 'I think … I could eat something,' she said softly. 'I feel all hollow inside.'

Getting off her knees with some relief, Julie said, 'I'll do you some toast first – it's good for an upset stomach – and then maybe you could try a boiled egg, say? Or I can dig out some muffins and jelly.'

Rachel gave her a watery smile. 'Muffins would be fine, after a piece of toast.'

Not much later, Julie sat opposite Rachel in the kitchen, watching her eat with increasing appetite. If only it could always be like this, she thought happily, just hanging out in my home with the one I love. Rachel looked up and smiled at her, and she smiled back. Suddenly Rachel seemed to freeze, muffin halfway to her mouth, and her gaze went unfocussed for a long moment.

Then she fixed her gaze on Julie and carefully put her muffin down. 'Julie,' she said softly, 'have you got a crush on me?'

Oh God, Julie thought. She must have shown it in the way she was smiling at her. 'W-why should you think that?' she temporised.

'Julie,' Rachel repeated insistently. 'The truth, please.' She did not look mad; her face was calm. But she seemed determined to know.

Julie sighed and her shoulders slumped as she let the tension go. 'Yes,' she muttered, then, more loudly, 'God, yes.'

'For how long have you felt like this?' Rachel continued in the same soft tone.

Julie gulped. 'Almost as long as I've been back.'

Rachel frowned. 'That long?'

Julie decided to be completely frank. 'I was attracted to you from the start. When I came back, it was really to see you.'

Rachel nodded. 'And you had kept away because of me, or because of Ross?'

'Both,' Julie admitted, 'but mainly you.'

'Then,' said Rachel, still softly, 'all this time you have been trying to help me get back with Ross, you wanted me yourself?'

Oh God, oh God, oh God, thought Julie. Please let her not be mad. 'Yes,' she said. 'I, I wanted you to be happy.'

Rachel said nothing for a moment, her gaze wandering off, then it fixed on Julie again. 'Do you know how that makes me feel?'

Julie felt almost hypnotised by her calm blue stare. She could not have looked away if her life depended on it. She simply shook her head. Please, she prayed.

'That's the saddest thing I ever heard,' said Rachel, her voice all at once sounding full of sympathy. 'But' – a wonderful smile spread across her face – 'it makes me feel great, that someone loves me.'

She held out her hand. Julie hitched her chair around and took it, her heart beating so hard that she felt incapable of speech. Was this happening?

'Julie, I have never been here before,' said Rachel, 'and I just don't know how far I can return your feelings, but … I'm not rejecting you. You have been the best friend to me. Have you … fallen in love with women before?'

Her expression was so open and trusting, Julie found it easy to talk again. 'I had a brief affair with my room-mate my first year in college. It was very intense while it lasted; we certainly thought we were in love. But it was mostly about sex, really, and when she got interested in a guy, that was the end of it.'

'That's sad,' said Rachel sympathetically.

'Oh, it didn't take me long to find out I could get interested in guys too,' said Julie, grinning. 'In fact, I went out deliberately to do it.'

'Once, when we were a bit drunk, I made out for a while with a friend in college,' said Rachel in fond reminiscence. 'We were all dressed up for a Polynesian luau, and wore coconut shells over our boobs – they kept knocking together.' She giggled, so infectiously that Julie found herself giggling too. 'That's my only experience of girl-girl stuff. But I remember, in high school some girls seemed to have a crush on me. I can be a bitch sometimes, as you know,' – she flashed her a grin – 'and I never discouraged it. But Monica was my best friend, and I'm sure she never had that kind of feelings about me.' She gave Julie's hand a little squeeze, and smiled, looking deep into her eyes. 'I'm very very flattered,' she said, 'but I really don't know how I feel about this. Can you … can you bear to give me time? This is so new, and the Ross thing is so raw still.'

'Of course,' said Julie, squeezing back. 'It is more than I could have hoped for, that you're not rejecting me out of hand.'

'I could never do that,' said Rachel, 'not to you. It would be too cruel.' She smiled again. 'I will say this: it makes me feel so much better.'

'I'm glad,' said Julie, her heart feeling full to overflowing. For smiles like Rachel's just then, she would do almost anything.

'You know who else has a crush on me?' said Rachel, suddenly looking mischievous. 'Gunther!'

'Oh, I know,' said Julie. 'He overheard me telling myself how dumb I was, and admitted that he was dumb too, to be so hung up on you. I was so surprised, I just said, "You too?" So he knows, at least that I have feelings for you.'

Rachel nodded. 'Okay, I can handle that. But what do you think I should do? I don't want to hurt the guy, particularly because I see now how kind he was when I was being such a crappy waitress, but I could never get interested in him. Anyway, I shouldn't do anything like that, when you have told me you have feelings for me.'

Julie's heart leaped at this indication that Rachel was taking her seriously. 'We should try to set him up with someone nice,' she suggested. 'But we need to find out more about him first. We don't really know what makes him tick.'

'He shares a room with Phoebe's colleague at her massage place, Jasmine,' said Rachel. 'Maybe we should ask her about him.'

When Monica arrived near midday with some clean clothes for Rachel, she found them deep in animated conversation, surrounded by crumb-laden plates and empty coffee mugs.

'My my!' she said. 'You seem to have sidestepped a hangover very neatly, Rachel.'

'Julie's been looking after me the best way,' said Rachel enthusiastically. 'Mon, thanks so much for being with me last night. I really appreciate it.' As she said this, she watched Monica closely for any hint that she too might have a crush on her. Given their history, it would not be impossible. She was undoubtedly relieved when Monica's answering grin showed nothing but friendly affection.

'Anything for you, Rach,' she said. 'But how are you feeling, really?'

'A lot better,' said Rachel, carefully not looking at Julie. 'I … the wake really seems to have helped.' She made a decision. 'Tell Ross he doesn't have to keep his girlfriend out of sight, if that's what he's doing. I'd be interested to meet her.'

Monica's mouth dropped open. Then she looked suspicious. 'Rach, you're not planning anything, are you? And won't it make you unhappy, like it did with' – she had been going to say 'Julie' and hastily replaced it with 'Bonnie'.

Rachel shook her head. 'No, honestly, no plans. I've got to find a way to get over Ross, or my life will never go anywhere.'

'If you say so,' said Monica, still looking rather uncertain. 'Okay, I must get to the restaurant, but I'll see you guys later.'

When she had gone, Rachel looked at Julie apologetically. 'I'm sorry I had to lie a little.'

'Oh, but Rachel, I couldn't expect you to go around telling everyone that I had a crush on you,' said Julie quickly. 'We can't possibly go public on it until we know how you feel, if then. My college affair was secret, so I have no experience of "coming out" among friends.'

'Well,' said Rachel after a slightly uncomfortable moment of silence, 'I'd better change. Um, could I use your shower? I feel I need it, after all that running around last night.'

'Of course,' said Julie, trying not to show how arousing she found the thought of Rachel in the shower.

But Rachel looked at her knowingly. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' she said, sounding sincere. 'That's going to make it worse for you. I'd better go home to do that.'

'No, have your shower,' said Julie. 'I can control myself.'

'Did you kiss me just before I woke up?' Rachel asked casually, as she got up.

Julie gulped. 'Yes, I'm sorry, but – ' I just couldn't resist, she thought to herself.

'Don't be sorry,' said Rachel. 'Come here.' She held out her arms.

Rather hesitantly, Julie approached. Rachel put her arms round her, reminded once again how small she was, and kissed her gently on the top of her head. She could feel Julie trembling, and recognised in herself a desire to make Julie feel good.

'I think,' she said carefully, 'I think this could go somewhere.'

Julie's heart overflowed. She burst into tears, happy tears, tears of hope, and now it was Rachel's turn to comfort her. After a while she gently disengaged herself.

'Must have that shower,' she said. 'Then, what say we go up to Central Perk and see the gang, or on to Chandler and Joey's if they're not there? I want to show them that I am not a terminal case.'

Julie beamed up at her. 'I'd go anywhere with you.'

Rachel grinned and sang, 'I'd do anything – for you,' from Oliver, rather off-key. 'I'll try to be quick,' she said, and whisked into the bathroom with a last smile.

Julie began to tidy away and wash up the breakfast crockery, smiling to herself. It had gone better than she had any right to expect, and whatever the future held, she had no regrets about telling Rachel.

In the shower, Rachel was also smiling to herself. She was glad that she had verified what she had been beginning to suspect, and, while she was still very unsure about her feelings for Julie, it was undoubtedly the most exciting thing that had happened to her for some time.