I burst through the door of the lounge. My parents were sat on the sofa watching some film and Beth was neatly seated on a chair, directly facing me. By this time, my face was red with fury and my breathing was heavy. My sister looked up from her nails and looked surprised.
"Are you ok?" she asked, her voice more confused than concerned.
I held the envelope up for her to see and her face grew pale, her smile faded.
"You......bitch!" I screamed. My parents looked at me shocked but I carried on. I was too angry and determined to make Beth pay to care what they said or thought. "How could you? I had one chance to be happy and you screwed it up! You're nothing but a stupid, using, selfish BITCH!" I shouted.
Beth's eyes widened. For the first time I saw her looking scared. She was afraid of me and what I might do.
I dived onto the chair where she was sitting and began thrashing at her, hurting her in any way I could. I lashed at her with my hands again and again. All my fear had gone, I had found some kind of courage I had never felt before.....or maybe this was just the power of my love for Jeff. I pulled her hair, hit her face. She screamed and tried to push me off, but, while she was prettier, I was more physically strong and there was nothing she could do. But my parents jumped out of their seats and pulled me away.
"Kim!!!" my mum yelled. "What do you think you're doing?! Get off your sister!!"
My dad held me back and I was still screaming, red in the face.
"I hate her!! I hate her.......she's a bitch!!" I shouted so loudly that my throat hurt with every word I spoke.
Beth was curled up in my mum's arms sobbing. My dad dragged me to my room and threw me in. He sat me down on the bed and paced up and down.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" he shouted.
By now I wasn't feeling so brave and I felt alone and vulnerable. I tried to explain through my tears.
"It was my letter and she...........ruined everything..." I managed.
"I don't care what she did!! We do not use violence to solve problems and if you don't like that you can get out of my house!" he shouted, looking right at me. "For God's sake, Kim!! You're 19 in 2 days!! You should know better!! Now I don't want to hear another peep out of you or else your 19th birthday will be your last in my house!! Understood?!"
I considered standing up for myself and then realised that it was 3 on 1. I had no chance of winning, no matter how strong my argument was, so I nodded, reluctantly.
That night I didn't sleep at all. I thought about my life.....about Beth, and Jeff, my parents, and Jeff, Tanya........and Jeff. He really did love me after all and Beth had kept the letter from me......she had stopped me being happy. I wondered what there was left for me to live for and found nothing except the thought that if I killed myself, Beth would win. I wondered how Jeff felt, and if he thought that I had ignored his letter. I wanted to leave my family, this house, I wanted to escape..........but I had nowhere to go.
~So this is my life.......alone.......sad.......without Jeff.......I can't even contact him........I'll never see him again............~
I lay awake all night, hearing Jeff's voice echo through my head over and over. It usually would have been a happy sound, but now my heart was pierced with each echo, with the knowledge that I would never really hear his voice again, never again feel his lips on mine, or comfort him when he was down.
"I want you...............I need you..............I wanna be with you........promise you'll come with me...."
"I promise," I whispered to myself in the dark, knowing it was a promise I could no longer keep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*The next morning*
Having not slept the night before, at 6am I decided enough was enough and tossed the blanket I was lay under onto the floor beside the sofa. I was almost drained of energy as I hadn't eaten much in the past few days and hadn't slept all night. So I made my way to the kitchen and opened the cupboard. There was a whole bag of donuts sitting there and I reached for it. I sat down on a chair in the dining room and placed the bag on the table. I ate each one of the donuts in turn. I figured this was what they called comfort eating.
When I had finished my strange breakfast, I crept up the stairs and into my room. I saw Beth there, fast asleep in my bed. For a moment I looked at her and wished that we were different. She had never really been much of a big sister to me, someone for me to look up to. She had just been someone to look down on me. I sighed, tears in my eyes once again and opened my wardrobe. I pulled out some jogging pants and looked for a T-shirt. I saw a purple long sleeved shirt hanging there. On the back was written 'fear is only a four letter word'. I turned it around..........it was my old Hardy Boyz shirt. I stroked the front of it with my hand gently, thinking that I would somehow be closer to Jeff by doing this. A tear trickled down my cheek as I took it out of the wardrobe.
After I had showered, I put on the jogging pants and the Hardy Boyz shirt, tied my hair back and looked into the bathroom mirror. I looked like sh*t. My skin was pale and pasty and my eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep and plenty of crying. I decided that I wasn't going to see anyone important today anyway. I glanced at my watch.......it was 7am. My family wouldn't be awake for some time. I decided that, even if I couldn't get away forever, I might be able to escape into the fresh air for a while. I struggled to pull my bike out of the shed and climbed onto it. I had only had my arm taken out of plaster a few days ago and I wasn't really supposed to ride my bike but I thought the doctor would never know anyway.
It wasn't a bad morning, but not too good either. The air was cool and the sky was masked with a layer of clouds. I set off on my bike down the road, the wind pushing against me. I picked up more and more speed and the cool air rushed against my skin. I sped into a nearby park. There was no one around so I rode around the path a few times, pedaling faster each time. After a few laps of the park, I became breathless and stopped next to a lake and climbed off the bike. I sat down on the hard ground and looked into the water. A faded image of a sad, lost-looking girl stared back at me with far-away eyes.
~Look at me..........I used to be so different.......so cheerful. Is this what love does to people.......no... Jeff didn't do this.......Beth did..........I'm not even the girl Jeff fell for........I'm.....I'm like a ghost~
Once again I heard Jeff's voice.
"The way you skip down the stairs.......the way the room becomes warmer and lighter when you enter........"
"Not any more......" I whispered to myself, looking at my reflection in the water.
"Kim, what're you doing?!" I heard a voice say.
I turned my head and saw Beth standing there.
"Its 1pm!" she said. "You didn't tell anyone where you were going. We've looked everywhere for you."
I hadn't realised I had been sat there so long. But I was confused.....Beth, looking for me?
"Like you care where I am anyway," I said, standing up. "Well, now you know, I'm still alive so why don't you just go home? I'm sure there are some letters for me you can steal."
Beth gave me a cold look.
"Oh, I see..." she said, grinning. "Still upset that I ruined your little plans are you? Grow up, Kim. What did you think would happen? Did you think he'd whisk you away with him and you'd live happily ever after? Ha! Its over, Kim.....I win."
I walked over to her.
"That's what its about to you, isn't it, Beth? Winning? You couldn't just let me be happy. You couldn't let me have one little thing. You would have never had to see me again...." I said.
"Kim, he was mine.....you took him. Its only fair that I took him away from you," she grinned, knowing I wouldn't dare touch her after my dad's warning.
"I didn't take him from you. He came to me," I replied. "You used him, you cheated on him....you only care about yourself......why am I the only one who sees that?" Having said this, I climbed onto my bike and set off home. Beth was left there in the park, still looking pleased with herself.
~...........Tomorrow is my birthday, and Beth's photo shoot........and I'm without Jeff.......my birthday is about to become a bethday.........is this as good as my life is going to ever be.....~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*The next day......Sunday......my birthday*
I slept suprisingly well the night before, maybe I was tired from my bike ride and confrontation with Beth. I opened my eyes and looked at the clock. It was 10am. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Just then, my dad walked in. He placed some money on the coffee table.
"There...." he mumbled. "For your birthday.........we're going now, Beth's model thing."
With that, he left and I heard the car leave the driveway. Tanya had told me she was competing in a tennis tournament today and had dropped by to give me a present and card the night before. I'd told her about the whole letter thing and she had listened sympathetically and thoughtfully. I had already opened them. The present was some of my favourite chocolates and a T-shirt that said 'little angel' in silver letters on the front.
"Well....happy birthday, Kim," I sighed as I sat in the empty house.
When I had showered and changed into my new T-shirt and a pair of jeans I heard the some letters fall onto the floor in front of the door. I scooped them up in my hands and looked at them one by one. They were all for my mum or dad......until I came to one which was adressed to 'Kim'.
I dropped all the other envelopes and my heart was pounding. I hurried to the sofa and sat down. I nervously opened the envelope. There was a piece of paper inside. I carefully took it out and placed the empty envelope on the seat of the sofa. I opened the folded piece of paper and something fell out onto my knee. I looked down to see a small gold chain. I picked it up. There was a tiny pendant swinging from it. I looked closer and saw it was a butterfly made up of glittering white diamonds. It looked a little like the one Jeff and I had seen in the garden that day. I clutched it in my hand as I read the note.
"Dear Kim,
I hope you like the present. Remember, I promised I'd get you one some day. I'm sorry that we couldn't be together. I waited at the airport that day but you never showed. I just hope nothing bad happened to you. I think you just changed your mind. Even though you probably have someone else, I will always feel the same way about you, you will always have a place in my heart. Happy 19th birthday, hope we meet again some day, I'll always be waiting for you. If you ever need anything you can call me on the number on the back of this letter.
Never change for anyone Kim. Remember, I love you for the person you are and always will.
Jeff xxx"
My eyes filled with tears, but for the first time in weeks they were tears of joy. Jeff hadn't forgotten me, or his promise.........even though he thought I had broken mine. I looked again at the chain and fastened it around my neck. Then I flipped over the letter and looked at the number scribbled there.
I slowly walked to the phone and dialled the number, my hands shaking. It rang......and rang.......
"Are you ok?" she asked, her voice more confused than concerned.
I held the envelope up for her to see and her face grew pale, her smile faded.
"You......bitch!" I screamed. My parents looked at me shocked but I carried on. I was too angry and determined to make Beth pay to care what they said or thought. "How could you? I had one chance to be happy and you screwed it up! You're nothing but a stupid, using, selfish BITCH!" I shouted.
Beth's eyes widened. For the first time I saw her looking scared. She was afraid of me and what I might do.
I dived onto the chair where she was sitting and began thrashing at her, hurting her in any way I could. I lashed at her with my hands again and again. All my fear had gone, I had found some kind of courage I had never felt before.....or maybe this was just the power of my love for Jeff. I pulled her hair, hit her face. She screamed and tried to push me off, but, while she was prettier, I was more physically strong and there was nothing she could do. But my parents jumped out of their seats and pulled me away.
"Kim!!!" my mum yelled. "What do you think you're doing?! Get off your sister!!"
My dad held me back and I was still screaming, red in the face.
"I hate her!! I hate her.......she's a bitch!!" I shouted so loudly that my throat hurt with every word I spoke.
Beth was curled up in my mum's arms sobbing. My dad dragged me to my room and threw me in. He sat me down on the bed and paced up and down.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" he shouted.
By now I wasn't feeling so brave and I felt alone and vulnerable. I tried to explain through my tears.
"It was my letter and she...........ruined everything..." I managed.
"I don't care what she did!! We do not use violence to solve problems and if you don't like that you can get out of my house!" he shouted, looking right at me. "For God's sake, Kim!! You're 19 in 2 days!! You should know better!! Now I don't want to hear another peep out of you or else your 19th birthday will be your last in my house!! Understood?!"
I considered standing up for myself and then realised that it was 3 on 1. I had no chance of winning, no matter how strong my argument was, so I nodded, reluctantly.
That night I didn't sleep at all. I thought about my life.....about Beth, and Jeff, my parents, and Jeff, Tanya........and Jeff. He really did love me after all and Beth had kept the letter from me......she had stopped me being happy. I wondered what there was left for me to live for and found nothing except the thought that if I killed myself, Beth would win. I wondered how Jeff felt, and if he thought that I had ignored his letter. I wanted to leave my family, this house, I wanted to escape..........but I had nowhere to go.
~So this is my life.......alone.......sad.......without Jeff.......I can't even contact him........I'll never see him again............~
I lay awake all night, hearing Jeff's voice echo through my head over and over. It usually would have been a happy sound, but now my heart was pierced with each echo, with the knowledge that I would never really hear his voice again, never again feel his lips on mine, or comfort him when he was down.
"I want you...............I need you..............I wanna be with you........promise you'll come with me...."
"I promise," I whispered to myself in the dark, knowing it was a promise I could no longer keep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*The next morning*
Having not slept the night before, at 6am I decided enough was enough and tossed the blanket I was lay under onto the floor beside the sofa. I was almost drained of energy as I hadn't eaten much in the past few days and hadn't slept all night. So I made my way to the kitchen and opened the cupboard. There was a whole bag of donuts sitting there and I reached for it. I sat down on a chair in the dining room and placed the bag on the table. I ate each one of the donuts in turn. I figured this was what they called comfort eating.
When I had finished my strange breakfast, I crept up the stairs and into my room. I saw Beth there, fast asleep in my bed. For a moment I looked at her and wished that we were different. She had never really been much of a big sister to me, someone for me to look up to. She had just been someone to look down on me. I sighed, tears in my eyes once again and opened my wardrobe. I pulled out some jogging pants and looked for a T-shirt. I saw a purple long sleeved shirt hanging there. On the back was written 'fear is only a four letter word'. I turned it around..........it was my old Hardy Boyz shirt. I stroked the front of it with my hand gently, thinking that I would somehow be closer to Jeff by doing this. A tear trickled down my cheek as I took it out of the wardrobe.
After I had showered, I put on the jogging pants and the Hardy Boyz shirt, tied my hair back and looked into the bathroom mirror. I looked like sh*t. My skin was pale and pasty and my eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep and plenty of crying. I decided that I wasn't going to see anyone important today anyway. I glanced at my watch.......it was 7am. My family wouldn't be awake for some time. I decided that, even if I couldn't get away forever, I might be able to escape into the fresh air for a while. I struggled to pull my bike out of the shed and climbed onto it. I had only had my arm taken out of plaster a few days ago and I wasn't really supposed to ride my bike but I thought the doctor would never know anyway.
It wasn't a bad morning, but not too good either. The air was cool and the sky was masked with a layer of clouds. I set off on my bike down the road, the wind pushing against me. I picked up more and more speed and the cool air rushed against my skin. I sped into a nearby park. There was no one around so I rode around the path a few times, pedaling faster each time. After a few laps of the park, I became breathless and stopped next to a lake and climbed off the bike. I sat down on the hard ground and looked into the water. A faded image of a sad, lost-looking girl stared back at me with far-away eyes.
~Look at me..........I used to be so different.......so cheerful. Is this what love does to people.......no... Jeff didn't do this.......Beth did..........I'm not even the girl Jeff fell for........I'm.....I'm like a ghost~
Once again I heard Jeff's voice.
"The way you skip down the stairs.......the way the room becomes warmer and lighter when you enter........"
"Not any more......" I whispered to myself, looking at my reflection in the water.
"Kim, what're you doing?!" I heard a voice say.
I turned my head and saw Beth standing there.
"Its 1pm!" she said. "You didn't tell anyone where you were going. We've looked everywhere for you."
I hadn't realised I had been sat there so long. But I was confused.....Beth, looking for me?
"Like you care where I am anyway," I said, standing up. "Well, now you know, I'm still alive so why don't you just go home? I'm sure there are some letters for me you can steal."
Beth gave me a cold look.
"Oh, I see..." she said, grinning. "Still upset that I ruined your little plans are you? Grow up, Kim. What did you think would happen? Did you think he'd whisk you away with him and you'd live happily ever after? Ha! Its over, Kim.....I win."
I walked over to her.
"That's what its about to you, isn't it, Beth? Winning? You couldn't just let me be happy. You couldn't let me have one little thing. You would have never had to see me again...." I said.
"Kim, he was mine.....you took him. Its only fair that I took him away from you," she grinned, knowing I wouldn't dare touch her after my dad's warning.
"I didn't take him from you. He came to me," I replied. "You used him, you cheated on him....you only care about yourself......why am I the only one who sees that?" Having said this, I climbed onto my bike and set off home. Beth was left there in the park, still looking pleased with herself.
~...........Tomorrow is my birthday, and Beth's photo shoot........and I'm without Jeff.......my birthday is about to become a bethday.........is this as good as my life is going to ever be.....~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*The next day......Sunday......my birthday*
I slept suprisingly well the night before, maybe I was tired from my bike ride and confrontation with Beth. I opened my eyes and looked at the clock. It was 10am. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Just then, my dad walked in. He placed some money on the coffee table.
"There...." he mumbled. "For your birthday.........we're going now, Beth's model thing."
With that, he left and I heard the car leave the driveway. Tanya had told me she was competing in a tennis tournament today and had dropped by to give me a present and card the night before. I'd told her about the whole letter thing and she had listened sympathetically and thoughtfully. I had already opened them. The present was some of my favourite chocolates and a T-shirt that said 'little angel' in silver letters on the front.
"Well....happy birthday, Kim," I sighed as I sat in the empty house.
When I had showered and changed into my new T-shirt and a pair of jeans I heard the some letters fall onto the floor in front of the door. I scooped them up in my hands and looked at them one by one. They were all for my mum or dad......until I came to one which was adressed to 'Kim'.
I dropped all the other envelopes and my heart was pounding. I hurried to the sofa and sat down. I nervously opened the envelope. There was a piece of paper inside. I carefully took it out and placed the empty envelope on the seat of the sofa. I opened the folded piece of paper and something fell out onto my knee. I looked down to see a small gold chain. I picked it up. There was a tiny pendant swinging from it. I looked closer and saw it was a butterfly made up of glittering white diamonds. It looked a little like the one Jeff and I had seen in the garden that day. I clutched it in my hand as I read the note.
"Dear Kim,
I hope you like the present. Remember, I promised I'd get you one some day. I'm sorry that we couldn't be together. I waited at the airport that day but you never showed. I just hope nothing bad happened to you. I think you just changed your mind. Even though you probably have someone else, I will always feel the same way about you, you will always have a place in my heart. Happy 19th birthday, hope we meet again some day, I'll always be waiting for you. If you ever need anything you can call me on the number on the back of this letter.
Never change for anyone Kim. Remember, I love you for the person you are and always will.
Jeff xxx"
My eyes filled with tears, but for the first time in weeks they were tears of joy. Jeff hadn't forgotten me, or his promise.........even though he thought I had broken mine. I looked again at the chain and fastened it around my neck. Then I flipped over the letter and looked at the number scribbled there.
I slowly walked to the phone and dialled the number, my hands shaking. It rang......and rang.......