Dark's Burning Light

Another Year

I couldn't withdraw. I couldn't pull away. I couldn't hide from myself or from them. I had been left alone by my parents for a year with my grief and their books, so it was hard to adjust to suddenly being depended on by two such innocent beings on my own. I had to teach them everything and spent nearly every waking hour with them.

It was one of the happiest years of my life actually.

Oh, I was frazzled and at my wit's end, but...how can I describe how rewarding it was? I taught them to read and write. Cerberus had a hard time with writing, but he became determined after enough taunts from Yue. His handwriting will never be spectacular I'm afraid, but it was legible. Quite a feat to accomplish with paws instead of hands.

I taught them magic and combat as well as I could, and this is what took most of our year. Not that it was difficult for either of them...indeed, they were made for these things. What took the time was a desire to get these things perfect. There were long hours of practice. There were longer hours of play that doubled as practice. Throughout it all I was learning that I could still live and enjoy life without her.

~~~~~@~~~~~

After the shower incident with Yue I had begun thinking that there should be an easier way to get these two clean. I was more worried about Cerberus getting dirty actually--Yue held himself more dignified and even refused food as unnecessary after the incident with the flour. (Yes, I consider that entire day a series of incidents in my mind. The incident where my parents left. The incident with the flour. The incident with Yue in the shower. The incident where I cried the first time after her death. The incident where I had to teach them how to clean the kitchen...the list goes on.)

I came up with a few concepts modifying the creation of the guardians, elemental magic, and symbolic magic...including some sympathetic magic. If the energy and creature could be contained in a card form, this would keep it from escaping, make it convenient to carry with me and call upon at will, and be concealable as well. I grew attached to the idea of a card containing such strong magic, letting it rest when not needed...and soon I was drawing sketches of what I would need to do to create these things.

After a month the first Clow Card was created. The Bubbles. She was an adorable personality, cute and fun, with a wicked sense of humor. She immediately loved Cerberus and fell for his laugh in a way only she ever understood. I would ask her to clean him and she would do her job thoroughly and well, but with many tickles to madden my sun beast.

Bubbles was soon followed by The Libra, which I used in the ever increasing disputes between Yue and Cerberus. I was an only child so I had never dealt directly with sibling rivalry before this, but Tabitha had told me horror stories about her family life that gave me incentive to find a solution before my creations got too out of hand. It weighed each of their sides, finding the worth and the truth through magic so I made no mistakes. It ended a lot of arguments as soon as I brought the card out after they had seen it in action a few times. I wouldn't be surprised if it ended arguments before I became aware of them in the first place. All I know is I had a lot more peace and quiet after that.

The Change card was also created around that time. I never used it. It was my last resort card if Libra could not settle the differences between my very child-like creations. I was glad I never used it, though I suppose it would have been amusing to see each of them stuck in the body of the other to "walk a mile" in each other's shoes. The Move card was also an early creation. I constantly left my glasses behind while I paced across the library as I read, so I lazily used Move to hand me my glasses, or carry other small objects to me that were out of reach. It was a convenience card, though I could hear my mother's voice berate me for my waste of magic each time I used it as such.

I was teaching Yue to cook when the idea came to me for the Sweet card. She would turn any inedible experiment he tried into a delight so I could eat each of his attempts without discouraging his budding talent. He was so emotional and easily discouraged, I couldn't bear to see him hurt, so Sweet saved my taste buds and spared his feelings many times in the early days.

At the end of the year I was working on the Create card, and I'm ashamed to admit that the initial purpose behind the card was to turn my favorite stories into reality for a short time. That is when my parents returned home, and they found me bent over this card, trying to get it perfect and infuse just the right amount of energy into it.

~~~~~@~~~~~

"More creations, son?" It was my father, suddenly standing over my shoulder. I jumped, barely managing to keep from slipping up and ruining the card. I carefully cleaned off the brush, capped the ink, then set everything in a safe place before I turned around to face him. I bowed to him respectfully, realizing as I saw him just how much I had missed my parents.

I was caught in a bone-crushing bear hug such as I hadn't felt since I was a child. "Damn it, boy, I had enough of bows from your mother's family! Now, tell me what you have done."

I had never seen him so enthusiastic about anything. Well, anything to do with me. He was usually so reserved, keeping himself under tight control. What had happened while they were gone?

He listened calmly while I rambled on and on about the last year and everything I had accomplished. He was so composed as I listed all my triumphs and all the difficult lessons I had been through, he would simply nod when I told him stories about some cute thing or another my guardians had done. Finally he stood, frowning slightly. "You're very proud of these things, aren't you?"

It stung to hear him use the word "things" like that, but I kept smiling as if I hadn't noticed. "I have done a lot more than I thought I would. I thought you would be proud that I've been able to do so much...."

The words hung in the air between us. I found him to be quite unreadable until he suddenly stood and started pacing.

"It's a colossal waste of your magic and energy, Clow. I'm disappointed in you. Yes, you've learned a lot, but I think you should rid yourself of your mistakes and start over."

My heart had stopped and my eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. "Rid myself--" I sputtered.

"Of your mistakes," he finished. "Yes. And start over."

"But, these cards are alive! Sentient."

"Quite. As are the guardians. They're flawed. I think you could do better if you set your mind to it right now, and if you persist in this card nonsense, you could create some that are more useful."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "You want me to do what exactly?"

"Don't tell me that a year of not studying has made you daft. Here you were bragging about all you've done and learned without the benefit of your mother and I standing over you and handing you the right books, but you can't understand what I'm saying?"

I felt like my soul had been left out in a blizzard. "I'm afraid I do understand what you were saying, but I simply can not believe my ears. You are suggesting I kill the beings I created just so I could make something better? Living creatures, and you think I could conveniently throw them away like so much trash? I poured my soul into creating them!"

I could feel Cerberus and Yue coming closer, responding to my distress. I shuddered, dreading the thought of them hearing my own father saying such things. Still, I wanted them by my side now more than at any point in the last year for comfort and assurance.

"You're too attached to bits of fluff and imagination brought to life with only magic." He was becoming more animated, raising his voice until I knew Yue and Cerberus had to be able to hear him. I winced as he went on. "There is none of your soul in these creations, and it's silly to think of them like that. Have you forgotten why it is you came to us, two years ago, begging to learn all the magic you could? A year ago you didn't even want these guardians of yours. They were a test your mother forced upon you. Now you stand here as if they're your favorite toys?"

Each word cut into me like a knife. I could only imagine what effect it would have on the young and minds of my guardians as they finally reached the door to the library where I had taken to creating the cards. Especially when he added:

"As long as you are so weak and unable to follow my instructions, I refuse to allow you to learn from either me or your mother. You are settling for less than your best and allowing sentiment to cloud your judgment. You'll never be able to bring your wife back as long you aren't willing to make some sacrifices."

I wasn't looking at my father. I was looking at the two beings standing in the doorway trying to make sense of what he had said about them--and about me. I could see Cerberus's brows furrow in confusion. That was incidental to the hurt look on Yue's face as he whispered softly, "Wife?"

Their existence was being threatened, but he fixated on that? Why?

I whirled on my father, a cold anger washing over me. "No. If those are your conditions I will learn somewhere else. They are alive, they are innocents, and they are mine. You will not touch them, and nothing you can say will convince me to trade one life for another, no matter how I miss her. She would hate being alive under those conditions."

But a part of me, deep within, was begging Tabitha for forgiveness. I just could not trade their love, including the cards, for her love. It was tearing me in half, but the idea horrified me.

"She wouldn't have to know."

Were those tears on my face?

"I would know, and I could not live with myself. I will not stop my quest, but there are lines I will not cross and if that dooms me to failure, I can wait until the next lifetime to see her again."

With that I turned away, walking stiffly out of the room and pulling my beloved creations with me. Cerberus looked protective, but Yue looked more like he needed protecting. I never, at any moment in the past year, wanted more to pull him into my arms and kiss away his concerns.

"Clow!"

I didn't bother turning around to look at him, but I paused out of respect, showing him I was still listening.

"You are serious about this decision of yours son?"

I nodded, then started walking again.

"Come back here and sit down. We have a lot to discuss. You've passed my test."

~~~~~@~~~~~

The day was long and I had studied long into the night. I was walking from the library to my room, a small candle lighting my way. I passed Yue's room and heard thrashing around and mutters as if from half of a conversation. I carefully opened the door to find him in the throes of a nightmare. I had a sinking feeling that it had been inspired by overhearing my father's "test". I couldn't think of anything else that would distress him so.

I crossed to his bed, carefully setting down the candle on his bedside table then sat on the edge of his bed. I reached out to him, trying to soothe him through the veil of his dreaming. He calmed, rolling toward me with a sigh. I didn't move though. I stayed there, staring, brushing stray hairs away from his face. As I watched him I thought about the day.

Father had given me many more books to look through. He had apologized for his words, reinforced by the gentle reassurances of my mother that everything had been done this way for good reason. Cerberus had grumbled a bit, but had forgiven them easily for suggesting that such a magnificent beast could be less than perfect.

Yue had shrugged and pretended that it didn't matter since it was all part of a silly ruse. But I could tell, by how he refused to show emotion, that it still bothered him deeply. I should have been expecting bad dreams and done more to reassure him somehow, but I didn't know where to start since he refused to say a word.

I rose with a heavy sigh, but as I reached for the candle a soft voice held me back.

"Master?"

His eyes were open, gleaming in the night. I didn't understand how he could possibly look more perfect while awake when he was the epitome of perfection while sleeping. I carefully sat down beside him again, smiling gently at his careful hesitation. "What is it, Yue?"

"Am I real?"

What? I blinked in surprise. "Of course you're real. I don't understand why--"

"Then how could your father even suggest that you could undo us so easily, so casually?"

"I explained, it was a test."

"A test that most people would not have passed. I know I'm not human, and most humans would not hesitate to trade my existence for that of a human. Otherwise it would not have been a test. Your father doubted that you would pass it, or he would not have tried."

My face slipped into a thoughtful frown as I reached out and brushed at the soft strands of his hair again. So soft, so beautiful like spun moonbeams in the middle of the darkest night. I didn't know what to say to him. "It doesn't matter to me that you're not human. You are important to me."

"But, if I'm not human, what am I? I'm a construct, a trick of magic."

"You are much more than a construct. I meant it when I said I poured my soul into making you and Cerberus. Yue, you are a work of art. More than that, you and you alone are my masterpiece. Magic is my medium for creating works of art, and you are my most prized creation."

The words had just flowed from me from somewhere deep in my soul that I had tried to keep buried. They were the highest truth within me, expressing how I cherished him and, indeed, favored him above all else. It had been Yue I had been terrified of losing. It had been Yue I could not trade for Tabitha. I felt damned by that decision even after finding out that it had not been a real choice I was being forced into.

"You won't unmake me? You won't set me aside to start over again?"

I could no longer resist what was in my heart. I pulled him close to me, holding him and stroking his back reassuringly. "I could never do that to you. I would die before I set you aside, I promise."

He seemed somewhat reassured, but then he pulled away enough to look me in the eye. "You never said you had a wife. Why?"

The question I had been dreading, but expecting. "I try not to think about her. I think about her all the time actually, but it hurts so much that to talk about her is...talking about it is so much harder...I don't even know how to talk about it really."

He didn't press me on it. He put his head against my shoulder again and wrapped soothing arms around me, snuggling close. I was so thankful at that moment that the ruby glow of the candlelight didn't change the silver glow of his tresses. Thinking of her...talking about her even this much...had brought tears to my eyes despite my best efforts.

"You loved her," he murmured softly against my skin.

"More than life itself," I admitted softly. I was blinking hard now, keeping the tears at bay with increasing difficulty.

"Not more than my life?"

"Never." I tightened my embrace around him, realizing the depth of the pain I would suffer at losing him. It left a hollow feeling in my chest to think about my angel not being there. A year, one entire year...it was such a long time to get to love someone, but such a short time to spend together. That's when I realized I loved my Yue just as much, just as deeply and desperately as I had loved Tabitha. Just as much as I had loved my wife. I could never trade one for the other, but I could never have both.

The tears wouldn't wait another moment and I tried to pull away, but it was too late. He saw my face, he saw the shimmer of my eyes, and he saw the first tear fall. His hand raised to wipe away the first tear, but was met by the fall of many more and I wanted to turn and hide in shame that he would see me crying. He wouldn't let me go, trapping me with the gentle embrace of his one arm and the captivating beauty of his gaze.

"You are too perfect for me, Yue. I need to go. I--I need sleep. I shouldn't be here."

"Master," he said in his disarmingly gentle voice. I was trapped there with that simple utterance. "It is you who are too perfect for me."

"Never."

He bowed his head. "I'm sorry, I'm ashamed to admit this, but I'm afraid to be alone."

"Why would you be afraid?"

"I'm afraid because I don't feel real."

I felt like I was in a trance, performing a ritual. I couldn't stop, I was reciting words that would lead to an inevitable conclusion. "How can I assure you that you are real?"

"I--I don't know. I feel more real when you are near...."

"Would this make you feel more real," I said, bending closer to him.

He could see the intent in my eyes. Those erotic, exotic cat's eyes widened and gleamed silver as he realized what I meant. I gave him every opportunity to back away.

"Yes," he answered, then met me half way.

Our lips met with an electric feel. I couldn't breathe, but my heart was beating as if I had been running. Just like with Tabitha. And yet, not. I had known this pounding passion only with her before...I knew what to expect, what I was feeling, but it was also different, and I could not explain that difference. Such a powerful attraction, but the emotions within me were so much more turbulent now. I was overcome.

I tasted him, I caressed him, I reveled in the difference between him and my first love. Still with tears in my eyes I pulled him fully against me on the bed, delving my tongue into his mouth and losing myself in the soft sweetness I found there. His hands were undressing me, casting aside all barriers between us and I let him touch me everywhere he wanted while my own hands explored his perfection.

"Master," he gasped some time later.

I shook my head, not liking how that sounded right now. "My name is Clow," I managed to correct him with some difficulty considering the circumstances.

"Clow," he said hesitantly, trying it out, and I simply moaned in my pleasure. He recited my name again with more assurance a bit later, then later still my name on his lips came out as if he had been made to say my name like that.

I was out of control, feeling all emotions and none in one instant, when I let out something between a sob and a scream. "Yue!"

~~~~~@~~~~~

Author's Note: Er...that was a little more citrus flavored than I was expecting! EEP! They tied me up and MADE me do it...I was just going to have Clow sleep with Yue without anything happening, but all the sudden...eep! And there was nothing I could do. Gee, I hope you all don't mind.

Sorry though, the rating on this one prevents me from giving you more detail than that. ~wicked grin~ Maybe when I get off my lazy butt and post it on my site I'll turn it into a lemon. Or I might not. Don't know yet.

Oh, don't worry, there's plenty more STORY ahead. I have evil plans for them. Very evil plans.

Thank you to Peacewish and Dark Ice Angel for giving me permission to be an egotist. I'll try not to abuse the privilege. All other reviewers as well, Babybattlefaerie, Kira (serious Clow envy time!), Six Underground (I hope the love doesn't feel rushed in this chapter, but I didn't want to get bogged down in detail since I have a LOT of ground to cover), Askani Blue (I know, I'm mean), Lady Kazune Kikenshi, and Forsaken Tenshi. Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!! I hope this chapter is worthy! More to come ASAP, I promise.