Traces of Childhood

"You see the headlines in the Shinra Times?" The middle-aged man in the faded burgundy suit asked.

"What about them?" Cloud asked back, looking out the window past the old drone.

"Oh. Oh… that group of terrorists bombed the No. 1 Reactor. What a day it is these days." The man said, hoping Cloud liked his little play on words.

            Of course, Cloud had his arms up on the overhead rail. He was staring out the window at the passing blacks and greens of the decaying city. Either he was ignoring the man or was in another realm entirely. The man looked down dejectedly. Just another person who wouldn't speak to him on the train-ride back to the apartment. Oh… the lonely train-ride back to the apartment. The man sighed and said something absent-mindedly,         

            "People aren't who they let on to be these days…"

            Cloud's face immediately came back to life. He looked down to the old drone and grabbed him by the collar. He jerked the man forward onto the floor and shoved him back against the door of the train car.

            "What do you mean I'm not who I let on? Who the hell are you, you old bastard?"

            "No-nothing! I mean, I'm nobody! I was just thinking aloud, that's all! I wasn't talking about you- I mean… I wasn't talking about you yourself!"

            "You looking for a fight, that why you talk so much? Huh?"

            "No! I'm not! Please, I don't want to fight! Please…"

            Cloud could see the man was holding back a floodgate of tears. Obviously he was a wimp of some kind… maybe an accountant. Someone who sat in a cubicle or at a desk all day, making just enough money to keep himself clothed a little better than all the other ants and bees. Maybe he'd ratted on a few of his colleagues and gotten a promotion. He was dressed pretty good for a guy riding the train to the slums.

All of a sudden corporate Shinra was making Cloud sick, and he let go of the man. Cloud used to think he would make it big in Midgar. All that shit he'd put in his own head… thinking a SOLDIER could do anything they wanted.

            Cloud walked back to the group, AVALANCHE. None of them other than Barret wanted to make eye contact with him. Barret was actually giving Cloud something other than a scowl, but he still thought the spiky-headed kid was an arrogant punk.
"Nice to see you can slap around a wimp like that. You being a so-called mercenary and all. As I was saying… this mission was a success. But don't get lazy now!"

Barret's talking again, Cloud thought. His mind wandered into that familiar dazed region somewhere in the back. He thought about the old drone's words again, though subconsciously. The guy had attacked some part of Cloud, and it wasn't cause he was some Shinra accountant or data cruncher or whatever. Cloud didn't really have any bone to pick with Shinra like these AVALANCHE guys did. The company just aggravated him. What they'd done to this city was a disgrace. Everything was pretty shitty, and Shinra was making a huge profit with all this shittiness being the byproduct. But that wasn't why he was upset. The accountant guy had accused Cloud of not being good enough, he thought. Was that why he got so pissed… or was it something else?

Now, Cloud drifted back as Barret finished whatever it was he was talking about… 

            "Meet back at the hideout!! Move out!"

            "Something wrong Cloud?" Tifa asked, her elbows down on the bartop.

            "Nope."

            "Welcome home." She said smiling, though she seemed tired. She turned and pulled the cloth from her belt, going back to wiping down glasses.

            "You fought with Barret today."

            "Yeah, sure did."

            "I should've known. He's always bossing people around, and you've always been in fights ever since you were little."

~*~*~*~*~

"Hey spiky-head!" One little kid sneered as seven year-old Cloud walked past. "Tifa doesn't like you, so why don't you stop trying to be her boyfriend!"

Seven year-old Cloud stopped, and turned to face the kid. His fists were balled and his face was tense and red. He stepped up to the larger boy, and lunged at him-

Cloud sat on top of the roof over the well, tears dried on his dirty cheeks as he kept licking his cracked lip and sniffing his bloody nose. That big kid thought he was so tough being the leader of everyone else… Cloud hated him. Tifa came up behind Cloud, slowly.

"Hey Cloud. Sorry I'm late." She said, coming to sit down not too close, but still wanting to be next to him… she sat beside the well and under his feet. "You said you wanted to talk to me about something?"

"Tifa… I'm going away in Spring."

"All the boys are going away…"

"I'm going to Midgar." Cloud said, pausing afterward for a few moments, which Tifa used to look up at him. "I want to join SOLDIER… I want to be the best out of everyone, like Sephiroth." He finished, sounding complacent.

"Sephiroth… the Great Sephiroth." Tifa said, dangling her legs a bit on the edge of her space against the well. Cloud stood up, looking up at the stars.

"Isn't it really hard to join SOLDIER?" Tifa asked, looking back up to Cloud. He stayed silent for a while.

"…I won't be able to come back for a long time."

"Will you be in the newspapers?" Tifa asked.

"I just saw a shooting star…"

"Cloud?"

"What?"

"Will you make me a promise?"

"About what?"

"If you ever get famous and powerful… and I'm ever in a bind… will you promise to come rescue me?" Tifa said with a smile, though Cloud couldn't see. He remained silent again.

"Cloud?"

"I promise."

"Just like that?"

"I said I promise."

"You'll be my hero, you'll come save me if I get in trouble. I've always wanted to experience that. It'll be…" Tifa slowly trailed off and held her knees up to her chest. She leaned back against the well and looked up.

"Cloud…" She said dreamily… but he didn't reply. "Cloud?" She asked and stood. Tifa jumped up to see if he was still on the roof of the well, but he wasn't. Going around the well, she saw him walking back down the path… his hands in his pockets.

~*~*~*~*~

            Tifa still remembered that night, even as she was staring at Cloud looking down at his empty glass. She felt so bad for him, he'd always seemed like he tried to fit in back in Nibelheim. It was something she only noticed in the last days he'd spent there. In fact… she'd never really paid him much attention until those last days, which was only because he'd been the one to start talking to her.

            Cloud stared down in his glass, down at the last brown drop of whiskey. He too was thinking back to Nibelheim and how he'd had all those feelings toward Tifa. She was the most beautiful girl in town… but Godamnit! All those times he'd tried to crawl into her group of friends only to be ignored or thrown away. He didn't know how fit in with them, how to be friends. In fact… he'd never really had any friends growing up. Fights replaced trying to make friends. He'd had lots of fights, over nothing.

            That wasn't true. He always fought because people were so stupid. They never gave him a chance… they were never nice. Cloud hated those kids, and hated that they were always stronger than him and better than him and never let him get close. If he couldn't be their friends, he'd clobber them and prove he was stronger. That was why he joined SOLDIER, because he wanted to be strong. He wanted to show himself and everyone back home that he was tough. God… he was so stupid.

            "What's on your mind?" Tifa asked.

            "My pay. Once I get it I'm outta here, Tifa." Cloud said, looking off to the side.

            "Oh, Cloud. Why do you always act like this?"

            "Like what?"

            "Barret will give you your money." Tifa said, and walked out from behind the bar toward the open trap door near the pinball machine in the corner. It always hurt her how Cloud never said what was on his mind. He always tried to act like he didn't care… she didn't know why she always gave him so much thought...