Memoirs of Gilderoy Lockhart
By Gilderoy Lockhart
Chapter one-My early memories
I was always a dashing chap. Even in my youth, girls flocked to me and every boy wanted to be my friend, I guess to soak up some of my limelight. I think there was a special light around me when I was born, and perhaps, a shooting star, a comet, and a volcanic eruption too prove how special I was. I hope one day that my theory is proved, then they can call the comet: Gilderoy Lockhartess.Nice sounding, isn't it?
By the time I was old enough to go to Hogwarts, I had grown women following me around, practically stalking me, but, hey, I was loving every moment of it, wasn't I? Looking back now, I guess I must have got my sly wit and devilish good looks from my father. I never met the man, but I saw his photograph once. I inherited his thick, luscious, wavy golden hair of the sun from him, and my eyes that are blue like the loveliest sky, but even he lacked the certain charismatic touch /aura I have around myself.
When I went to Hogwarts, I was sure I would be placed in Gryffindor or perhaps even Ravenclaw. No, it was defiantly Gryffindor. I mean, they are meant to be the fearless, the brave and the devilishly good looking, right? That house, I am sure, was chosen after my key traits. Anyways, you can imagine my shock when that old hat (which, I must add is a major fashion no- no, I mean, those seams!) placed me in Hufflepuff. I was shocked. Then I said no, I said no, no I said, I said, defiantly not, I said I decline, I said veto. Anyways, I was so stunned I said, "I decline the offer, you silly old hat," And I simply walked straight out of that drafty hall, and caught that train straight back home. I was sure a young, handsome wizard could make a living for himself without school. And wasn't I right?
Anyways, I enrolled myself in a muggle acting school. Fun and games ahead! Oh we had fun for the longest while, I mean, those muggle's are so stupid they're hilarious! I met all fine people who went on to be absolutely spiffing actors (I gave them a few pointers, and it shows, it really shows). To name a few of my friends from the muggle acting school is relatively easy, as I was liked by everyone. I catch up with one another time to time, they are always begging me to do one spell for them or another. Though it hasn't happened since I helped Billy Zane clear up his little problem with his car (publishers note-unauthorised by Lockhart-Billy Zane spent seven months in hospital after the first time he tried to drive his newly-fixed car).Oh, I'm getting side tracked again, aren't I? Well that can happen when you've written fourteen biographies. Every time I write one, it seems, I am asked to write another one! (Though of course, each if very different and inexpensive)Anyways, these names mean a lot to me: Arnold Schrawzengeer, Johnie Deepp, Kenneth Brainer, Victor Garbay or Garbett or Garber or something, slipped my mind, Braindan Frasier, David Boring-as, Paul McCartener and Billy, oh and Rupert Redford or Redholden or something. Of course, I had several muggle girlfriends, to name a few: Cameron Diaz, Reese Witherspoon, Britney Spears, Marilyn Munroe, oh I wont bore you with the details. (unauthorised publisher note-Lockhart was charged and taken into custody for the abduction of Britney Spears, and the others all took out AVO's against him)
I made modest success as a muggle actor-I starred in over 67 commercials on what muggle's call T.D, I was in 56 movies, which play on what muggle's call the "big spleen", and I became somewhat of an expert on muggles.
I made my entry back into the wizard world five years later-I was spotted busking on Diagon Alley when I was given a job modelling for Witch Wizard's men's fashion's magazine. Since then I decided to devote my life to ridding the world of evil, and have been made a honouree member of Merlin, third class ( the highest, though the ministry of magic is considering making a new level just for me, fourth class) (unauthorised publisher note-this was later proved to be fictional, and in fact third class is the lowest), and I have also won witch-weekly's most charming smile award five times in a row. My books are also among my finest achievements, having topped all best seller charts for at least five months each (Unauthorised publisher note- this is, oddly enough true, certain witches do find him attractive, though it is doubtable why)
I will briefly mention some of my greatest achievements (unauthorised publisher's note-I have cut of this passage here, it went on for another thirty pages listing his achievements, trust me, your not missing anything)
I have decided to fire the publisher of this book and replace him with a more able publisher-a Mrs Molly Weasly. Mrs Weasly is one of my greatest fans. Anyway, back to me. After my release of magical me, I noticed in the daily prophet as I was reading the love poems published in the personal section dedicated to me, I noticed that Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry needed a teacher for defence against the dark arts. I remembered the fond times I had there, and decided to apply. Needless to say, I fought of the hundreds of other applicants (who were all very talented, for instance, I beat professor Snape to it, and, err, lots of others whose names have slipped my mind) and was given the job.
By Gilderoy Lockhart
Chapter one-My early memories
I was always a dashing chap. Even in my youth, girls flocked to me and every boy wanted to be my friend, I guess to soak up some of my limelight. I think there was a special light around me when I was born, and perhaps, a shooting star, a comet, and a volcanic eruption too prove how special I was. I hope one day that my theory is proved, then they can call the comet: Gilderoy Lockhartess.Nice sounding, isn't it?
By the time I was old enough to go to Hogwarts, I had grown women following me around, practically stalking me, but, hey, I was loving every moment of it, wasn't I? Looking back now, I guess I must have got my sly wit and devilish good looks from my father. I never met the man, but I saw his photograph once. I inherited his thick, luscious, wavy golden hair of the sun from him, and my eyes that are blue like the loveliest sky, but even he lacked the certain charismatic touch /aura I have around myself.
When I went to Hogwarts, I was sure I would be placed in Gryffindor or perhaps even Ravenclaw. No, it was defiantly Gryffindor. I mean, they are meant to be the fearless, the brave and the devilishly good looking, right? That house, I am sure, was chosen after my key traits. Anyways, you can imagine my shock when that old hat (which, I must add is a major fashion no- no, I mean, those seams!) placed me in Hufflepuff. I was shocked. Then I said no, I said no, no I said, I said, defiantly not, I said I decline, I said veto. Anyways, I was so stunned I said, "I decline the offer, you silly old hat," And I simply walked straight out of that drafty hall, and caught that train straight back home. I was sure a young, handsome wizard could make a living for himself without school. And wasn't I right?
Anyways, I enrolled myself in a muggle acting school. Fun and games ahead! Oh we had fun for the longest while, I mean, those muggle's are so stupid they're hilarious! I met all fine people who went on to be absolutely spiffing actors (I gave them a few pointers, and it shows, it really shows). To name a few of my friends from the muggle acting school is relatively easy, as I was liked by everyone. I catch up with one another time to time, they are always begging me to do one spell for them or another. Though it hasn't happened since I helped Billy Zane clear up his little problem with his car (publishers note-unauthorised by Lockhart-Billy Zane spent seven months in hospital after the first time he tried to drive his newly-fixed car).Oh, I'm getting side tracked again, aren't I? Well that can happen when you've written fourteen biographies. Every time I write one, it seems, I am asked to write another one! (Though of course, each if very different and inexpensive)Anyways, these names mean a lot to me: Arnold Schrawzengeer, Johnie Deepp, Kenneth Brainer, Victor Garbay or Garbett or Garber or something, slipped my mind, Braindan Frasier, David Boring-as, Paul McCartener and Billy, oh and Rupert Redford or Redholden or something. Of course, I had several muggle girlfriends, to name a few: Cameron Diaz, Reese Witherspoon, Britney Spears, Marilyn Munroe, oh I wont bore you with the details. (unauthorised publisher note-Lockhart was charged and taken into custody for the abduction of Britney Spears, and the others all took out AVO's against him)
I made modest success as a muggle actor-I starred in over 67 commercials on what muggle's call T.D, I was in 56 movies, which play on what muggle's call the "big spleen", and I became somewhat of an expert on muggles.
I made my entry back into the wizard world five years later-I was spotted busking on Diagon Alley when I was given a job modelling for Witch Wizard's men's fashion's magazine. Since then I decided to devote my life to ridding the world of evil, and have been made a honouree member of Merlin, third class ( the highest, though the ministry of magic is considering making a new level just for me, fourth class) (unauthorised publisher note-this was later proved to be fictional, and in fact third class is the lowest), and I have also won witch-weekly's most charming smile award five times in a row. My books are also among my finest achievements, having topped all best seller charts for at least five months each (Unauthorised publisher note- this is, oddly enough true, certain witches do find him attractive, though it is doubtable why)
I will briefly mention some of my greatest achievements (unauthorised publisher's note-I have cut of this passage here, it went on for another thirty pages listing his achievements, trust me, your not missing anything)
I have decided to fire the publisher of this book and replace him with a more able publisher-a Mrs Molly Weasly. Mrs Weasly is one of my greatest fans. Anyway, back to me. After my release of magical me, I noticed in the daily prophet as I was reading the love poems published in the personal section dedicated to me, I noticed that Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry needed a teacher for defence against the dark arts. I remembered the fond times I had there, and decided to apply. Needless to say, I fought of the hundreds of other applicants (who were all very talented, for instance, I beat professor Snape to it, and, err, lots of others whose names have slipped my mind) and was given the job.