Disclaimer : I own nowt la la la you know the drill. I also don't own Feeder's Just the way I'm feeling
MER GIRL
Chapter 3 : Just the way I'm feeling . . .
*********************************
Love in, love out,
Find the feeling
Scream in, Scream out,
Time for healing
You feel the moment's gone too soon,
You're watching clouds come over you.
Torn in two,
You close your eyes for some place new,
Torn in two
*********************************
Lily was in the library, poring over a book that she didn't really need to read. She felt numb and cold, but then again she'd been feeling that way for a good few months now anyway. It was something she was more or less used to by now. Lily would wake up knowing that the day would be another worthless drag where she would have to fight herself to smile. James and his gilfriend were annoyingly happy and every time she saw them, her heart would crack.
Not that she was the only person in pain. Lily knew that Sirius was miserable too - she could see it in his face. It was always so easy to tell when Sirius was upset, because his face was usually alive with laughter.
These days he looked pale and drawn and dead.
Just like her.
With what seemed like a great effort, Lily thumped the book shut and walked out of the library. She walked like a zombie down the corridor. There was nothing to do. All her friends had gone to Hogsmeade and Lily had felt far too despondent to go.
It had started to rain. Lily stopped and peered out the window, watching the raindrops fall. She smiled faintly for no apparent reason. Glancing around the grounds, she spotted a lone figure sitting hunched up against a tree. A boy with blue-black hair and startling white skin. His face was so sad it looked as if it was being pulled towards the ground.
She recognised the boy at once - it was none other than Sirius.
A pang of embarressment and pity stung her. It was her fault Sirius was so depressed. Lily was worried about him. He was always so happy, and so young. Now he was tired and old. She'd noticed that since the day at the lake his face had begun to look much older than seventeen.
Without thinking, Lily headed outside into the rainstorm. She crossed the grounds. The grass was soft and muddy and her cloak was getting wet from trailing behind her in the puddles. She crossed in a way that Sirius wouldn't see her.
Then again, by the looks of him he wouldn't have noticed if you'd thrown a rock at his head. He looked lost in his own little world.
Biting her lip with anxiousness, she stood to the side of him.
''Room for one more under here?'' she said.
***********************************
And I feel it's going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
I'm waiting for your healing hand,
One touch could bring me round
I feel we're going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
It's just the way I'm feeling.
Glow in, burn out,
Lost the feeling
Bruise in, you bruise out,
Nurse the bleeding
Torn in two,
Each time we bruise
**********************************
Sirius turned his head very slowly and assessed Lily cooly. ''If you want,''he said. There was no tone to his voice and it didn't sound right.
Lily sat down on the ground underneath the tree, which was much drier than she'd expected.
They sat there in silence for a while, just watching the weather. Lily felt awkward.
''How are you?''she asked Sirius in a shaky voice.
He didn't look at her, but gave a slight snort. ''Fucking fantastic,''he said sarcastically.
Lily felt her face flush with shame. He was so unhappy, but at least he wasn't making an effort to hide it. Sirius being fake would've been unbearable.
''Oh,''she said. ''I'm sorry.''
Sirius looked at her then, with those penetrating ice eyes. ''Sorry for what exactly?''he said.
Lily didn't quite know how to take this. She dropped her gaze. Was he being angry or sincere? She didn't know, so chose not to answer.
Sirius continued to glare at her. ''Well?''he said.
''Well what?''answered Lily.
''What exactly are you saying sorry for?''
Lily thought about it. ''I guess I'm sorry that you're so unhappy,''she replied. ''I didn't mean it to turn out like this.''
Sirius made a derisive noise. ''That's what people always say when they realise they've done something wrong.''
''Sirius - ''
''No, I haven't finished,''said Sirius, sharply. ''Do you have any idea how shit I've been feeling ever since I saved your sorry ass?''
Lily said nothing, and continued to stare at the floor. She'd never heard Sirius talk like this before and it felt bizarre.
''I've felt so miserable that it isn't even funny,''Sirius continued. ''I see the way you look at James, even now with his new girlfriend. They're so happy and you can see it and it breaks your heart, I can tell. And then I see you looking like that and it breaks my heart then too, because I know for a fact that I could make you happy, but you're too wrapped up in your own little world to see anyone else but James and yourself. You haven't even spoken to me for three months. We could've talked about all this, rather than waiting till now when I'm so fucking pissed off and you're stuck in a rut.'' He took a deep breath. ''We could've helped eachother through all this bullshit, Lily.''
There was no noise, save that of the rain. Sirius looked at Lily intensely. She could feel his eyes on her, urging her to react in some way.
''I'm sorry,''she said again.
Sirius stood up and walked in a circle for a moment, dragging his fingers through his long hair. He looked more stressed than angry now. He turned away from Lily.
''Say something more than sorry, Lily, please,''he said desperately. ''Get angry, call me a wanker, cry, just talk. Say something. I'm dying here!'' He sighed at her sullen, pale face. ''Just say how you feel.''
Lily exploded with anger all of a sudden.
''Ok, you want to know how I feel, Sirius?''she hissed. ''I feel like the most unlucky person in the world! I've lost the only boy in the world that I loved and every single fucking day I see him parading that slut around the school. She isn't even that pretty! I don't see what she has that I don't, other than James and it's driving me insane! I can't eat, I can't sleep, thinking how much of my time I wasted with James when I could've been out having fun like all my friends.'' Her voice broke with the unfairness of it all. ''I was with James for three years, the time when everyone else was having fun rather than being stuck in a long-term relationship. I wish I'd never met him, Sirius . . . but he made me so happy . . .''
She started to cry and Sirius sat down by her and held her. Her violent sobs wracked her body, that had become increasingly thin over the past few months. Sirius could feel how frail she was. These emotions were too much for her. They were slowly destroying her. He felt his eyes sting with tears for her.
Sirius stroked her red hair and gave a deep sigh. ''I know it hurts, Lily,''he said softly. ''But . . . maybe we could be miserable together?'' He gave a little laugh to show it was a joke.
Lily gave a sniff and smiled.
''Just as friends,''Sirius said.
Lily nodded.
''So you'll stop avoiding me?''asked Sirius with a grin.
''Sure,''Lily said. ''We'll see what happens.''
Sirius felt elated. ''We'll just wait and see,''he said. ''But Lily, I swear, I'll make you happy soon enough. I have to, because I can't stand seeing you so depressed.''
Lily let Sirius hold her for a while. She felt safe and protected in his arms. She felt that she could actually trust Sirius and inwardly she smiled. She hadn't felt the emotion of being truly cared about for a while and it was a nice change. She moved a little closer to him and relished in the warmth of his body.
Sirius smiled. He would get Lily. He would get exactly what he wanted. She would love him, and then everything would be ok. He held her a little tighter, and the two of them talked away the afternoon, not about James or how miserable they were feeling, but about things that made them laugh.
Sirius watched Lily's face light up with laughter whenever he told a joke and felt himself glow. It was already happening. He was making her happy.
The rain stopped and a bright shaft of sunlight lit up the grounds.
''The weather's getting better,''said Lily.
''Most things seem to be,''said Sirius.
***************************
Two different views,
As words confuse and break
I can't get out,
There's no way out of here,
I can't get clear.
Love in, love out,
Find the feeling.
And I feel it's going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
I'm waiting for your healing hand,
One touch could bring me round
I feel we're going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
It's just the way I'm feeling.
Yeah yeah, it's just the way I'm feeling.
Yeah yeah, it's just the way I'm feeling.
******************************
****************
Thanks again for the reviews. By the way, sorry about making it only signed reviews. I hadn't realised I'd done it, but I've sorted it so anyone can review now. I find accepting only signed reviews rather elitist.
Next chapter on the way soon!
Luv Lux
xox
MER GIRL
Chapter 3 : Just the way I'm feeling . . .
*********************************
Love in, love out,
Find the feeling
Scream in, Scream out,
Time for healing
You feel the moment's gone too soon,
You're watching clouds come over you.
Torn in two,
You close your eyes for some place new,
Torn in two
*********************************
Lily was in the library, poring over a book that she didn't really need to read. She felt numb and cold, but then again she'd been feeling that way for a good few months now anyway. It was something she was more or less used to by now. Lily would wake up knowing that the day would be another worthless drag where she would have to fight herself to smile. James and his gilfriend were annoyingly happy and every time she saw them, her heart would crack.
Not that she was the only person in pain. Lily knew that Sirius was miserable too - she could see it in his face. It was always so easy to tell when Sirius was upset, because his face was usually alive with laughter.
These days he looked pale and drawn and dead.
Just like her.
With what seemed like a great effort, Lily thumped the book shut and walked out of the library. She walked like a zombie down the corridor. There was nothing to do. All her friends had gone to Hogsmeade and Lily had felt far too despondent to go.
It had started to rain. Lily stopped and peered out the window, watching the raindrops fall. She smiled faintly for no apparent reason. Glancing around the grounds, she spotted a lone figure sitting hunched up against a tree. A boy with blue-black hair and startling white skin. His face was so sad it looked as if it was being pulled towards the ground.
She recognised the boy at once - it was none other than Sirius.
A pang of embarressment and pity stung her. It was her fault Sirius was so depressed. Lily was worried about him. He was always so happy, and so young. Now he was tired and old. She'd noticed that since the day at the lake his face had begun to look much older than seventeen.
Without thinking, Lily headed outside into the rainstorm. She crossed the grounds. The grass was soft and muddy and her cloak was getting wet from trailing behind her in the puddles. She crossed in a way that Sirius wouldn't see her.
Then again, by the looks of him he wouldn't have noticed if you'd thrown a rock at his head. He looked lost in his own little world.
Biting her lip with anxiousness, she stood to the side of him.
''Room for one more under here?'' she said.
***********************************
And I feel it's going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
I'm waiting for your healing hand,
One touch could bring me round
I feel we're going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
It's just the way I'm feeling.
Glow in, burn out,
Lost the feeling
Bruise in, you bruise out,
Nurse the bleeding
Torn in two,
Each time we bruise
**********************************
Sirius turned his head very slowly and assessed Lily cooly. ''If you want,''he said. There was no tone to his voice and it didn't sound right.
Lily sat down on the ground underneath the tree, which was much drier than she'd expected.
They sat there in silence for a while, just watching the weather. Lily felt awkward.
''How are you?''she asked Sirius in a shaky voice.
He didn't look at her, but gave a slight snort. ''Fucking fantastic,''he said sarcastically.
Lily felt her face flush with shame. He was so unhappy, but at least he wasn't making an effort to hide it. Sirius being fake would've been unbearable.
''Oh,''she said. ''I'm sorry.''
Sirius looked at her then, with those penetrating ice eyes. ''Sorry for what exactly?''he said.
Lily didn't quite know how to take this. She dropped her gaze. Was he being angry or sincere? She didn't know, so chose not to answer.
Sirius continued to glare at her. ''Well?''he said.
''Well what?''answered Lily.
''What exactly are you saying sorry for?''
Lily thought about it. ''I guess I'm sorry that you're so unhappy,''she replied. ''I didn't mean it to turn out like this.''
Sirius made a derisive noise. ''That's what people always say when they realise they've done something wrong.''
''Sirius - ''
''No, I haven't finished,''said Sirius, sharply. ''Do you have any idea how shit I've been feeling ever since I saved your sorry ass?''
Lily said nothing, and continued to stare at the floor. She'd never heard Sirius talk like this before and it felt bizarre.
''I've felt so miserable that it isn't even funny,''Sirius continued. ''I see the way you look at James, even now with his new girlfriend. They're so happy and you can see it and it breaks your heart, I can tell. And then I see you looking like that and it breaks my heart then too, because I know for a fact that I could make you happy, but you're too wrapped up in your own little world to see anyone else but James and yourself. You haven't even spoken to me for three months. We could've talked about all this, rather than waiting till now when I'm so fucking pissed off and you're stuck in a rut.'' He took a deep breath. ''We could've helped eachother through all this bullshit, Lily.''
There was no noise, save that of the rain. Sirius looked at Lily intensely. She could feel his eyes on her, urging her to react in some way.
''I'm sorry,''she said again.
Sirius stood up and walked in a circle for a moment, dragging his fingers through his long hair. He looked more stressed than angry now. He turned away from Lily.
''Say something more than sorry, Lily, please,''he said desperately. ''Get angry, call me a wanker, cry, just talk. Say something. I'm dying here!'' He sighed at her sullen, pale face. ''Just say how you feel.''
Lily exploded with anger all of a sudden.
''Ok, you want to know how I feel, Sirius?''she hissed. ''I feel like the most unlucky person in the world! I've lost the only boy in the world that I loved and every single fucking day I see him parading that slut around the school. She isn't even that pretty! I don't see what she has that I don't, other than James and it's driving me insane! I can't eat, I can't sleep, thinking how much of my time I wasted with James when I could've been out having fun like all my friends.'' Her voice broke with the unfairness of it all. ''I was with James for three years, the time when everyone else was having fun rather than being stuck in a long-term relationship. I wish I'd never met him, Sirius . . . but he made me so happy . . .''
She started to cry and Sirius sat down by her and held her. Her violent sobs wracked her body, that had become increasingly thin over the past few months. Sirius could feel how frail she was. These emotions were too much for her. They were slowly destroying her. He felt his eyes sting with tears for her.
Sirius stroked her red hair and gave a deep sigh. ''I know it hurts, Lily,''he said softly. ''But . . . maybe we could be miserable together?'' He gave a little laugh to show it was a joke.
Lily gave a sniff and smiled.
''Just as friends,''Sirius said.
Lily nodded.
''So you'll stop avoiding me?''asked Sirius with a grin.
''Sure,''Lily said. ''We'll see what happens.''
Sirius felt elated. ''We'll just wait and see,''he said. ''But Lily, I swear, I'll make you happy soon enough. I have to, because I can't stand seeing you so depressed.''
Lily let Sirius hold her for a while. She felt safe and protected in his arms. She felt that she could actually trust Sirius and inwardly she smiled. She hadn't felt the emotion of being truly cared about for a while and it was a nice change. She moved a little closer to him and relished in the warmth of his body.
Sirius smiled. He would get Lily. He would get exactly what he wanted. She would love him, and then everything would be ok. He held her a little tighter, and the two of them talked away the afternoon, not about James or how miserable they were feeling, but about things that made them laugh.
Sirius watched Lily's face light up with laughter whenever he told a joke and felt himself glow. It was already happening. He was making her happy.
The rain stopped and a bright shaft of sunlight lit up the grounds.
''The weather's getting better,''said Lily.
''Most things seem to be,''said Sirius.
***************************
Two different views,
As words confuse and break
I can't get out,
There's no way out of here,
I can't get clear.
Love in, love out,
Find the feeling.
And I feel it's going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
I'm waiting for your healing hand,
One touch could bring me round
I feel we're going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
It's just the way I'm feeling.
Yeah yeah, it's just the way I'm feeling.
Yeah yeah, it's just the way I'm feeling.
******************************
****************
Thanks again for the reviews. By the way, sorry about making it only signed reviews. I hadn't realised I'd done it, but I've sorted it so anyone can review now. I find accepting only signed reviews rather elitist.
Next chapter on the way soon!
Luv Lux
xox