Disclaimer : I own big fat nowt. I also don't own the Aerosmith's song Don't Wanna Miss A Thing. And thank you to Jeswin, for giving me afew ideas. :-)
MER GIRL
Chapter 5 : I don't wanna miss a thing
***************************
I could stay awake
Just to hear to breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you are far away and dreaming
I could spend my life
In this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment I spend with you
Is a moment I treasure
*************************
Sirius lay in his bed feeling confused. Why he had reacted like that when Remus had asked him if he felt anything for Lily?
He turned on his side and looked at the sleeping figure of James, who was snoring gently. He scowled at himself.
He knew why he had denied his feelings to Remus. Because he still held respect for James and still cared about him deeply, as his best friend.
True, he disliked the part of James that had hurt Lily, but he was also still best friends with the other side of him - the side that made him laugh, the side that listened to him when he was down, the side that would put up with all of Sirius's terrible jokes.
Sirius remembered fondly all the times James and himself had played pranks on the Slytherins, or dropped a stinkbomb during assembly in the Great Hall or started a food fight. He giggled quietly at the memory of what a mess the Great Hall had been after one of the more memorable food fights.
He remembered then how James had always been there to help out in a fight, or prevent a fight, and that whenever he'd go off for a Quidditch match he'd always turn around and say ''Wish me luck, Padfoot, and don't throw anything at me in mid-air. I know you enjoy it but - ''
(( Throw it at Snape instead . . )) Sirius finished James's sentance in his head and smiled.
He'd lost count of the amounts of times he'd thrown something at Snape during a Quidditch match and how hard James would be laughing. Once he'd laughed so hard that he'd nearly fallen off his broom.
But Lily . . .
Sirius had felt so happy these past few weeks, knowing that he and Lily were friends again, but before long James would catch on just like Remus had and then sparks would fly.
What made Sirius the happiest though, was the fact that sparks were flying with Lily and himself as well. There was a nearly unbearable sexual tension going on between the two of them. He could see it in her eyes whenever she looked at him. Even when they brushed skin it was like an electric shock. She seemed a lot happier these days too. She visibly spent less time staring whenever James went past her. Every now and then she would steal a quick glance at him but other than that she tried not to notice him. It hurt Sirius a little when she did that, but he was getting used to it. She loved James, she always would, but that was no excuse to give up trying to get her to fall in love with him.
A single shaft of moonlight fell over his bed, right in his eyes. He couldn't sleep. His mind was working too hard and the light was stopping him sleeping anyway, so he swung his legs out of bed and got dressed. Sirius walked towards the door and opened it.
It gave a creak and Peter stirred.
''Where you going, Paddy?''he asked sleepily.
''Nowhere,''Sirius answered. ''Go back to sleep, yeah?''
''Alright then,''Peter answered and within seconds he was sleeping again. Sirius gave a slightly amused smile.
He opened the door the rest of the way and slipped noiselessly out, like a shadow.
The corridors of the school were eerily quiet. Sirius felt slightly uneasy walking around the school late at night in the dark, but it wasn't like he hadn't done it before. He headed out into the grounds, his wrapping his cloak tightly around him. It wasn't that cold really, but Sirius felt like he needed some extra warmth anyway.
The grounds of the school weren't quite as silent as the school. Far away he could hear the Giant Squid thrashing around happily in the lake. Sirius decided to head over in that direction.
When he came to the lake he stood there a while just gazing lazily into the black water. A shiver ran up his spine. To think that Lily could have been lost in there forever chilled him to the bone. To imagine her body sinking slowly to the bottom of the lake, never to be found was a horribly frightening thought.
(( If I had been a minute late I would never have seen her again . . .)) he thought.
Sirius imagined what it would have been like if he'd been too late - the faces of her family, the confusion in wondering where Lily had gone, the look on his own when when he'd realised that it was his fault she'd drowned - that she'd died all alone and helpless, being dragged down to the fathomless pit of the lake. Tears filled his eyes at his own imagined sorrow.
He stiffened.
(( This is stupid, )) he thought. (( I'm crying over something that hasn't even happened and other people's grief. What the hell am I gaining from this?? ))
He sat down by the edge of the lake, cross-legged like a child. He stared at the water, watching the reflection of the moon move and glisten on the surface. It was quite relaxing just to watch the water. Sirius had never done this before, mainly because he tended to throw people into the lake, rather than sit and stare at it.
Sirius heard a noise behind him and his body tensed. He closed his eyes and prayed that it wasn't something out of the Forbidden Forest. Slowly, very slowly, he reached into his robe and pulled out his wand. Then, on the biggest wave of adreniline, he shot up, spun around and pointed his wand straight at whatever was behind him.
''Arrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh!'' he half roared, half screamed like a girl. He had tried to sound threatening but it had failed somewhat.
Standing infront of him was Lily, surprise and amusement written all over her face.
''Sirius, what are you doing?''she asked, hands on hips.
Sirius went to say something clever but it didn't come out. ''I'm not sure,''he said.
Lily smiled fondly at him and Sirius felt himself melt under her emerald gaze.
''What are you doing out here by the lake?''she asked. ''It's a little early to go swimming isn't it?''
''What time's it?''Sirius asked.
''About three in the morning,''said Lily, smiling.
Sirius laughed. ''Fair enough,''he said. He looked at Lilly oddly. ''What are you doing out here?''
Lily shrugged. ''I was wandering about the school and then I noticed you lurking around the grounds so I came to see if Ii could lurk with you.'' She grinned.
''Feel free,''said Sirius. ''The more the . . .um . . .lurkier, I guess.''
Lily laughed. She sat down by the lake and Sirius joined her. They stared across the whole lake together, not really talking. The silence was comfortable.
Lily gave a deep, shuddering sigh. Sirius looked at her. ''What's the matter?'' he asked.
''I was just wondering . . .'' Lily trailed off.
Sirius didn't say anything for a while and looked away. He touched the water with a finger and watched the ripples move.
''Wondering about what?''he finally said.
''It doesn't matter,''said Lily.
''Yes it does,''said Sirius. ''Words always mean something.'' He paused. ''Unless Snape opens up his mouth.'' He giggled at his own joke and Lily grinned appreciatively. ''So, whats the problem?''he continued. ''Why won't you tell me whats on your mind?''
Lily shifted uncomfortably under his gaze and he saw it.
''Come on, Lil . . .''he said gently. ''We are friends aren't we?''
The word ''friends'' felt like poison in his mouth.
Lily looked away towards the opposite side of the lake and took a deep breath. She didn't look back at Sirius as she spoke - his eyes were far too searching. They saw more than was shown to them, you could say.
''When . . .'' She tried to speak again. ''When did you fall in love with me, Sirius?''
Sirius was quite taken aback at this question. He hadn't expected her to be quite so frank. He stared at his hands for a moment, thinking hard about his answer.
''The truth is Lily,''he said. ''I don't really know. I can't pin-point an exact moment when I thought 'Ooh crikey, I'm in love, better start acting weird'.''
He continued to stare at his hands, but out of the corner of his eye he could see Lily watching him and it made him blush and feel quite uncomfortable.
''I guess . . .''he continued. ''Part of me always has. Even when you were with James I think I was. I remember always getting this mad urge to strangle him whenever I saw him with you.'' He gave a little laugh. ''I think when I faced up to the fact that I loved you was when . . .'' He struggled to remember. ''It was when Narcissa made you cry by saying you were ugly or something stupid like that. You looked so sad and all I wanted to do was just hold you, make you feel better. I gave you a big hug and told you that you were beautiful and that Narcisaa had a face like a badger's arse and then you smiled and I just knew. Your eyes after you've been crying, Lily . . . I can't explain. But that's when. That's when I faced up to my feelings.''
Lily was still watching him in silence.
''Does that answer your question?''said Sirius with a teasing smile.
Lily nodded. ''Yes,''she said. ''I think it does.''
It was nearly four in the morning. Sirius and Lily had sat in relative silence since Lily's question.
Sirius turned to Lily and gave her a nudge. She looked at him.
''Can I ask you a question?''he said.
Inside Lily squirmed. ''Ok,''she said.
''What was James like when you two broke up?''
Lily's eyes flashed with pain at the memory. ''It wasn't nasty,''she said. ''He wasn't cruel about it. He just said 'I think we need a break to sort ourselves out'. He said that he needed to live his life while he could and that it was silly to be tied down with someone at our age.'' She sighed. ''He's right, you know. We are too young. I know he cheated, Sirius, but . . .I don't blame him. I don't hate him for it. He was just being . . . well . . . young, I suppose. Which we are. We're young, Sirius. We should be out having fun rather than worrying about anniversarys and all that crap.''
''It's a good point,''said Sirius. ''Do you miss him?''
''Yeah, I miss him,''said Lily, and her tone was painful. ''Whoever said 'it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all' deserves to get a kick in the face.''
''I think it was Gilderoy Lockhart that said that,''joked Sirius. ''Fancy joining me in pushing him down a flight of stairs tommorrow?''
Lily laughed. ''It might help,''she said.
''I think we'd better head back inside now,''said Sirius. ''Unless you enjoy falling asleep during classes and getting detentions.''
Lily yawned. ''Yeah, you're right.''
The two of them headed back to Gryffindor tower together and stopped in the common room.
''Sirius,''said Lily. ''Promise to be nice to James. He hasn't done anything extraordinary by cheating. Loads of guys do it. Loads of girls do as well. I don't hate him, you know. I want to be his friend.''
Sirius inwardly groaned. ''I think that's what he wants as well,'' he said. ''He wants you two to be mates.''
Lily smiled. ''Tell him I want to be friends, yeah?''
Sirius nodded. ''Sure,''he said.
Lily and Sirius looked at eachother for a moment. The moment fell and swayed and became longer than just a moment.
Lily realised that Sirius was standing very close to her and in the silence of the common room she could hear his heart pounding.
She could feel the blood rushing in her ears.
Desire held the moment very still.
Sirius gave a shaky breath and leaned in to kiss her.
Lily let him. It was a very gentle kiss, almost experimental. He looped his arms round her waist and pulled her closer, kissing her harder. Lily responded to the kiss, entwining her fingers in his jet black hair. He made a small animal noise and pulled her even closer.
Then Lily realised what she was doing - she was kissing Sirius Black.
A part of her sincerely wanted to stay but was overpowered by the part of her that wanted to run.
She pushed Sirius away from her and looked at him, her expression shocked.
Sirius looked confused. ''What's the matter?''he said.
''We can't do this,''she said as she turned to walk hurridly away.
''What?'' Sirius was dumbfounded. ''But Lily . . .you can't pretend that you didn't want that kiss! I know you wanted it. Stop lying to yourself for a minute!''
''We can't,''Lily repeated.
''Why not??'' Sirius cried.
''Because . . . .'' Lily searched for an answer.
''Because I'm not James.'' Sirius's tone was dark and hurt.
''It's not that,''said Lily.
''Don't lie to me aswell as yourself!'' Sirius exploded. ''You wanted me. I know you did, Lily. I could feel it. And so could you. Why are you still insisting on denying yourself happiness? Why do you have to keep torturing yourself like this?? Why are you doing this to me?''
Three large tears fell from Lily's eyes and she looked Sirius right in the face. ''Because I'm scared!''she cried.
Then she turned and ran to her dormitory, leaving Sirius standing in the common room on his own, the taste of the kiss still lingering on his lips. His eyes stung with tears of rage and self-pity.
He kicked one of the tables, knocking it over and slumped into a chair, his head in his hands trying to make sense of everything that had just happened.
''Scared . . .?''he whispered to himself, confusion in his pale eyes.
****************************
I don't wanna to close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cos I miss you babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Cos even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
But I still miss you babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall alsleep
I don't wanna miss a thing
***************************
New chapter up very soon indeed. Thankies for reviews. :-)
Luv Lux
xox
MER GIRL
Chapter 5 : I don't wanna miss a thing
***************************
I could stay awake
Just to hear to breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you are far away and dreaming
I could spend my life
In this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment I spend with you
Is a moment I treasure
*************************
Sirius lay in his bed feeling confused. Why he had reacted like that when Remus had asked him if he felt anything for Lily?
He turned on his side and looked at the sleeping figure of James, who was snoring gently. He scowled at himself.
He knew why he had denied his feelings to Remus. Because he still held respect for James and still cared about him deeply, as his best friend.
True, he disliked the part of James that had hurt Lily, but he was also still best friends with the other side of him - the side that made him laugh, the side that listened to him when he was down, the side that would put up with all of Sirius's terrible jokes.
Sirius remembered fondly all the times James and himself had played pranks on the Slytherins, or dropped a stinkbomb during assembly in the Great Hall or started a food fight. He giggled quietly at the memory of what a mess the Great Hall had been after one of the more memorable food fights.
He remembered then how James had always been there to help out in a fight, or prevent a fight, and that whenever he'd go off for a Quidditch match he'd always turn around and say ''Wish me luck, Padfoot, and don't throw anything at me in mid-air. I know you enjoy it but - ''
(( Throw it at Snape instead . . )) Sirius finished James's sentance in his head and smiled.
He'd lost count of the amounts of times he'd thrown something at Snape during a Quidditch match and how hard James would be laughing. Once he'd laughed so hard that he'd nearly fallen off his broom.
But Lily . . .
Sirius had felt so happy these past few weeks, knowing that he and Lily were friends again, but before long James would catch on just like Remus had and then sparks would fly.
What made Sirius the happiest though, was the fact that sparks were flying with Lily and himself as well. There was a nearly unbearable sexual tension going on between the two of them. He could see it in her eyes whenever she looked at him. Even when they brushed skin it was like an electric shock. She seemed a lot happier these days too. She visibly spent less time staring whenever James went past her. Every now and then she would steal a quick glance at him but other than that she tried not to notice him. It hurt Sirius a little when she did that, but he was getting used to it. She loved James, she always would, but that was no excuse to give up trying to get her to fall in love with him.
A single shaft of moonlight fell over his bed, right in his eyes. He couldn't sleep. His mind was working too hard and the light was stopping him sleeping anyway, so he swung his legs out of bed and got dressed. Sirius walked towards the door and opened it.
It gave a creak and Peter stirred.
''Where you going, Paddy?''he asked sleepily.
''Nowhere,''Sirius answered. ''Go back to sleep, yeah?''
''Alright then,''Peter answered and within seconds he was sleeping again. Sirius gave a slightly amused smile.
He opened the door the rest of the way and slipped noiselessly out, like a shadow.
The corridors of the school were eerily quiet. Sirius felt slightly uneasy walking around the school late at night in the dark, but it wasn't like he hadn't done it before. He headed out into the grounds, his wrapping his cloak tightly around him. It wasn't that cold really, but Sirius felt like he needed some extra warmth anyway.
The grounds of the school weren't quite as silent as the school. Far away he could hear the Giant Squid thrashing around happily in the lake. Sirius decided to head over in that direction.
When he came to the lake he stood there a while just gazing lazily into the black water. A shiver ran up his spine. To think that Lily could have been lost in there forever chilled him to the bone. To imagine her body sinking slowly to the bottom of the lake, never to be found was a horribly frightening thought.
(( If I had been a minute late I would never have seen her again . . .)) he thought.
Sirius imagined what it would have been like if he'd been too late - the faces of her family, the confusion in wondering where Lily had gone, the look on his own when when he'd realised that it was his fault she'd drowned - that she'd died all alone and helpless, being dragged down to the fathomless pit of the lake. Tears filled his eyes at his own imagined sorrow.
He stiffened.
(( This is stupid, )) he thought. (( I'm crying over something that hasn't even happened and other people's grief. What the hell am I gaining from this?? ))
He sat down by the edge of the lake, cross-legged like a child. He stared at the water, watching the reflection of the moon move and glisten on the surface. It was quite relaxing just to watch the water. Sirius had never done this before, mainly because he tended to throw people into the lake, rather than sit and stare at it.
Sirius heard a noise behind him and his body tensed. He closed his eyes and prayed that it wasn't something out of the Forbidden Forest. Slowly, very slowly, he reached into his robe and pulled out his wand. Then, on the biggest wave of adreniline, he shot up, spun around and pointed his wand straight at whatever was behind him.
''Arrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh!'' he half roared, half screamed like a girl. He had tried to sound threatening but it had failed somewhat.
Standing infront of him was Lily, surprise and amusement written all over her face.
''Sirius, what are you doing?''she asked, hands on hips.
Sirius went to say something clever but it didn't come out. ''I'm not sure,''he said.
Lily smiled fondly at him and Sirius felt himself melt under her emerald gaze.
''What are you doing out here by the lake?''she asked. ''It's a little early to go swimming isn't it?''
''What time's it?''Sirius asked.
''About three in the morning,''said Lily, smiling.
Sirius laughed. ''Fair enough,''he said. He looked at Lilly oddly. ''What are you doing out here?''
Lily shrugged. ''I was wandering about the school and then I noticed you lurking around the grounds so I came to see if Ii could lurk with you.'' She grinned.
''Feel free,''said Sirius. ''The more the . . .um . . .lurkier, I guess.''
Lily laughed. She sat down by the lake and Sirius joined her. They stared across the whole lake together, not really talking. The silence was comfortable.
Lily gave a deep, shuddering sigh. Sirius looked at her. ''What's the matter?'' he asked.
''I was just wondering . . .'' Lily trailed off.
Sirius didn't say anything for a while and looked away. He touched the water with a finger and watched the ripples move.
''Wondering about what?''he finally said.
''It doesn't matter,''said Lily.
''Yes it does,''said Sirius. ''Words always mean something.'' He paused. ''Unless Snape opens up his mouth.'' He giggled at his own joke and Lily grinned appreciatively. ''So, whats the problem?''he continued. ''Why won't you tell me whats on your mind?''
Lily shifted uncomfortably under his gaze and he saw it.
''Come on, Lil . . .''he said gently. ''We are friends aren't we?''
The word ''friends'' felt like poison in his mouth.
Lily looked away towards the opposite side of the lake and took a deep breath. She didn't look back at Sirius as she spoke - his eyes were far too searching. They saw more than was shown to them, you could say.
''When . . .'' She tried to speak again. ''When did you fall in love with me, Sirius?''
Sirius was quite taken aback at this question. He hadn't expected her to be quite so frank. He stared at his hands for a moment, thinking hard about his answer.
''The truth is Lily,''he said. ''I don't really know. I can't pin-point an exact moment when I thought 'Ooh crikey, I'm in love, better start acting weird'.''
He continued to stare at his hands, but out of the corner of his eye he could see Lily watching him and it made him blush and feel quite uncomfortable.
''I guess . . .''he continued. ''Part of me always has. Even when you were with James I think I was. I remember always getting this mad urge to strangle him whenever I saw him with you.'' He gave a little laugh. ''I think when I faced up to the fact that I loved you was when . . .'' He struggled to remember. ''It was when Narcissa made you cry by saying you were ugly or something stupid like that. You looked so sad and all I wanted to do was just hold you, make you feel better. I gave you a big hug and told you that you were beautiful and that Narcisaa had a face like a badger's arse and then you smiled and I just knew. Your eyes after you've been crying, Lily . . . I can't explain. But that's when. That's when I faced up to my feelings.''
Lily was still watching him in silence.
''Does that answer your question?''said Sirius with a teasing smile.
Lily nodded. ''Yes,''she said. ''I think it does.''
It was nearly four in the morning. Sirius and Lily had sat in relative silence since Lily's question.
Sirius turned to Lily and gave her a nudge. She looked at him.
''Can I ask you a question?''he said.
Inside Lily squirmed. ''Ok,''she said.
''What was James like when you two broke up?''
Lily's eyes flashed with pain at the memory. ''It wasn't nasty,''she said. ''He wasn't cruel about it. He just said 'I think we need a break to sort ourselves out'. He said that he needed to live his life while he could and that it was silly to be tied down with someone at our age.'' She sighed. ''He's right, you know. We are too young. I know he cheated, Sirius, but . . .I don't blame him. I don't hate him for it. He was just being . . . well . . . young, I suppose. Which we are. We're young, Sirius. We should be out having fun rather than worrying about anniversarys and all that crap.''
''It's a good point,''said Sirius. ''Do you miss him?''
''Yeah, I miss him,''said Lily, and her tone was painful. ''Whoever said 'it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all' deserves to get a kick in the face.''
''I think it was Gilderoy Lockhart that said that,''joked Sirius. ''Fancy joining me in pushing him down a flight of stairs tommorrow?''
Lily laughed. ''It might help,''she said.
''I think we'd better head back inside now,''said Sirius. ''Unless you enjoy falling asleep during classes and getting detentions.''
Lily yawned. ''Yeah, you're right.''
The two of them headed back to Gryffindor tower together and stopped in the common room.
''Sirius,''said Lily. ''Promise to be nice to James. He hasn't done anything extraordinary by cheating. Loads of guys do it. Loads of girls do as well. I don't hate him, you know. I want to be his friend.''
Sirius inwardly groaned. ''I think that's what he wants as well,'' he said. ''He wants you two to be mates.''
Lily smiled. ''Tell him I want to be friends, yeah?''
Sirius nodded. ''Sure,''he said.
Lily and Sirius looked at eachother for a moment. The moment fell and swayed and became longer than just a moment.
Lily realised that Sirius was standing very close to her and in the silence of the common room she could hear his heart pounding.
She could feel the blood rushing in her ears.
Desire held the moment very still.
Sirius gave a shaky breath and leaned in to kiss her.
Lily let him. It was a very gentle kiss, almost experimental. He looped his arms round her waist and pulled her closer, kissing her harder. Lily responded to the kiss, entwining her fingers in his jet black hair. He made a small animal noise and pulled her even closer.
Then Lily realised what she was doing - she was kissing Sirius Black.
A part of her sincerely wanted to stay but was overpowered by the part of her that wanted to run.
She pushed Sirius away from her and looked at him, her expression shocked.
Sirius looked confused. ''What's the matter?''he said.
''We can't do this,''she said as she turned to walk hurridly away.
''What?'' Sirius was dumbfounded. ''But Lily . . .you can't pretend that you didn't want that kiss! I know you wanted it. Stop lying to yourself for a minute!''
''We can't,''Lily repeated.
''Why not??'' Sirius cried.
''Because . . . .'' Lily searched for an answer.
''Because I'm not James.'' Sirius's tone was dark and hurt.
''It's not that,''said Lily.
''Don't lie to me aswell as yourself!'' Sirius exploded. ''You wanted me. I know you did, Lily. I could feel it. And so could you. Why are you still insisting on denying yourself happiness? Why do you have to keep torturing yourself like this?? Why are you doing this to me?''
Three large tears fell from Lily's eyes and she looked Sirius right in the face. ''Because I'm scared!''she cried.
Then she turned and ran to her dormitory, leaving Sirius standing in the common room on his own, the taste of the kiss still lingering on his lips. His eyes stung with tears of rage and self-pity.
He kicked one of the tables, knocking it over and slumped into a chair, his head in his hands trying to make sense of everything that had just happened.
''Scared . . .?''he whispered to himself, confusion in his pale eyes.
****************************
I don't wanna to close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cos I miss you babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Cos even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
But I still miss you babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall alsleep
I don't wanna miss a thing
***************************
New chapter up very soon indeed. Thankies for reviews. :-)
Luv Lux
xox