Disclaimer : I own nothing by JK Rowling and I don't own the Red Hot Chili Peppers song Under the Bridge. damn damn damn
MER GIRL
Chapter 6 : I don't ever want to feel like I did that day . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes I feel
Like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel
Like my only friend
Is the city I live in
The city of angels
Lonely as I am
Together we cry
I drive on her streets
'Cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills
'Cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds
And she kisses me windy
I never worry
Now that is a lie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius walked around the next day in a haze. He felt betrayed and hurt and deeply confused. Everytime he saw Lily she looked at him in the same way, but there was guilt in her eyes. She'd played him and it hurt a great deal.
Last night she'd kissed him like she'd wanted it just as much as he did and then she'd pushed him away, saying she was scared.
What the hell did that even mean?? Scared?? She had nothing to be scared about - Sirius loved her, she obviously felt something for him and they'd be good together. So why was she scared?
Sirius figured that she was just stalling - waiting to see if James would take her back. It made his insides burn with jealously.
For hours he would slump back in his chair during lessons, just staring into nothing, a scowl on his face. He could see Lily staring at him with guilt in her eyes, and whenever he caught her eye, he would glare to the best of his abilility.
((She deserves it, )) Sirius thought bitterly. (( No-one treats Sirius Black like crap and gets away with it. ))
He scowled ahead of him, face like thunder. The feeling in his chest was unbearable, even if his face said ''cross me and I'll kick your head in.'' It seemed that he didn't even have the energy to smack someone, let alone kick they're head in. Just out of annoyance he gave Peter a weak girly punch in the arm.
''Ow ow ow,'' Peter whimpered.
Sirius payed no attention to him. He slumped forward, his hand resting on his cheek lazily. Out of the corner of his eye he could still see Lily looking at him with a worried expression on her face. Sirius thought about frowning but in retrospect found that he just couldn't be bothered.
He'd had enough. He'd had enough of chasing Lily with a pointed stick, of waiting for her to realise that he was the one that been there to catch her when no-one else would. He had been waiting for her to look at him in that light for years, and the second that she actually kissed him she'd decided that she was 'scared'.
''Pffff, what bullshit,'' Sirius muttered.
''What was that, Mr Black?''
Sirius looked up to see that his teacher was glaring at him with malice. He inwardly groaned.
''Well, seeing as you feel that way about this subject maybe you should leave the class and think about whether you actually want to continue Astronamy,'' she said.
Sirius had had enough. He grabbed his bag and stood up. ''I think you're right,''he said bitterly. ''Maybe I should just go and wander the school by myself and do some serious bloody thinking.'' He shot a dark look at Lily, then stormed out of the room, his face like thunder.
He stamped down the corridors of the school until he reached the grounds and headed out there, still raging. He was starting to feel a bit foolish for throwing a tantrum now, but he felt it was faintly justified by the fact that he'd had to be in the same room as the girl who drove him mad in every way possible. He loved her, he hated her, he wanted her, he never wanted to see her again. Sirius felt confused to say the least.
He came to a bench and threw his bag down on the ground. Sirius slumped roughly on the bench, then chose to lie down and watch the clouds, to see if they'd calm him down a little.
They didn't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way
It's hard to believe
That there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe
That I'm all alone
At least I have her love
The city she loves me
Lonely as I am
Together we cry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius lay on that bench for more than an hour. His legs had gone numb by then and he was in no mood to go back inside Hogwarts anyway. After about an hour and a half he dropped off to sleep.
He was woken about ten minutes later by someone tapping his shoulder. He didn't even bother to open his eyes.
''Look,'' said Sirius impatiently. ''If that's James, Remus or Peter I'll talk to you later. If it's one of my little groupies then go away - can't you see I'm sleeping?? And if it's anyone, and I mean anyone, from Slytherin, the second I have any energy in my body I'll pound you into the ground so fast it won't even be funny. Now piss off, whoever the hell you are.''
A moment passed and the person was still there, Sirius could tell.
''I'm not saying it again,''he said, still refusing to open his eyes. ''Bugger off, like, now if possible.''
''Sirius we need to talk.''
Sirius's eyes shot open and he sat up fast as lightning. ''Oh shit, um, Lily- I uhh . . .I didn't realise it was . . .''
He trailed off, remembering that he was supposed to be angry at her.
He coughed, trying to regain his composure. ''What do you want?'' he said bluntly.
Lily avoided his penetrating blue eyes for a moment and cleared her throat nervously. Sirius felt tectchy being around her, like he'd snap and start shouting any minute.
''About last night - '' Lily started but Sirius cut her off sharply.
''Ooooh no - don't you dare start with all that 'I'm scared' crap again!'' Sirius spat viciously. ''I know what's wrong with your Lily - you're still hoping that James'll take you back! I'm not good enough for you, am I?'' He gave a derisive snort. ''Well, let's get one thing straight - your not the only girl in this school, and there are plenty of others that want to do me. I don't need to wait around for any old girl - I can take my pick. I'm Sirius-Bleeding-Black and I don't get my heart broken my anybody - especially not you.''
Lily looked at him, her face a blank page for a moment. Then she dropped her gaze towards the floor and rubbed her elbow as as nervous gesture.
''That wasn't what I was going to say,''she said softly, still staring at the floor.
Sirius rolled his eyes. ''Yeah, sure,''he said sarcastically. ''I really believe that, Lily. So what's the real reason? You're too chaste and pure for me? Well let me tell you this - ''
Lily cut him off. ''Oh shut the hell up, Sirius!'' she shouted, stamping her foot.
Sirius blinked in surprise.
''You didn't even give me a chance to say what I wanted!'' Lily yelled. ''Stop thinking that your word is law for a second!'' Her face was flushed red with anger. ''What I was going to say, before you interrupted me twice, was that maybe I was scared for a second, but I'm not anymore. I want this Sirius, but seeing as your far to important I'll just leave, shall I?''
Lily turned on her heel and left, leaving Sirius to take in what she'd just said. When it finally sank in, Sirius gave a shocked expression and jumped up from the bench.
''Lily come back!''he shouted.
But it was too late, she'd left. Sirius stood there for a moment staring at the school. Maybe he could catch up with her. His legs wanted to run but somehow they couldn't move. He was still rather shell-shocked. A full minute went past until Sirius found that he could actually move again.
''Oh bloody hell, work damn you!'' he hissed at his legs.
And then he started running.
After a great deal of running round Hogwarts aimlessly looking for Lily, he spotted a flash of red hair in a crowd and darted in that direction, pushing people out of the way to get to her.
''Scuse me, pardon me, sorry, scuse me,'' Sirius babbled, running through the crowd like a battering ram.
''Lily!'' he bellowed over the ever moving crowd. ''Lily! Wait a second!'' Lily didn't stop or even glance over her shoulder, but kept walking.
Sirius swore under his breath and ran faster. People were staring to get annoyed and were shoving him back. A rather big 6th year gave Sirius such a shove that he careered into a wall. He felt his shoulder smash against the surface of the wall and slumped to the floor. Sirius gave a groan of pain and clutched his shoulder.
A gang of Sirius's groupies appeared as if from nowhere and clustered around him.
''Oh Sirius, are you ok?'' they all asked at once.
Sirius pulled himself up despite the horrible pain in his shoulder.
''Oh bloody move,''he snapped at them. He lurched down the corridor as fast as he could go. His shoulder was in pieces, he could tell, but he didn't care. He had to catch up with Lily. The pain was unbearable and tears were filling his eyes. Sirius thought briefly that Lily was the only girl he'd put up with pain for, in more than one way. Inwardly he smiled grimly at the thought.
Sirius saw Lily turn to go up a stairwell and followed her, still clutching his battered shoulder.
''Lily!'' Sirius yelled, his voice cracking with pain. ''Fucking hell, Lily, stop! Listen to me!''
Lily seemed to hear him and turned around. Her face seemed indescribably angry. She glared at Sirius with an expression of extreme dislike. Sirius felt himself shrink a little under her powerful emerald eyes but continued forward nonetheless.
''Lily . .''he began.
She put up a slender white hand to stop him. ''I tried to talk to you, Sirius, but you didn't want to know,''she said, her voice cold and cruel as ice. ''Now there's nothing more to do but say goodbye. I'm sorry.''
She didn't sound sorry at all, but there was a note of some emotion in her voice. Sirius couldn't quite tell what emotion it was.
Sirius felt his heart break like a piece of glass in his chest. ''Lily please listen,''he said desperately. ''I'm sorry I was angry at you earlier but I was hurt. I don't hate you and I'm so so sorry that I wouldn't let you talk.'' Lily turned around to walk away.
Sirius rushed forward but his shoulder stabbed him with pain and he gave a cry and went down.
Lily turned around and looked hard at him.
''What's wrong with your shoulder?'' she said, peering at Sirius oddly.
''I hit it against a wall chasing after you,'' Sirius said, his face creased with pain.
Lily's expression changed slightly and she walked towards him and knelt down next to him. She touched his shoulder lightly. Sirius flinched. ''I'm sorry,''she said. She took out her wand and muttered a spell over him. Most of the pain left Sirius, and he peered at his arm.
''What did you do to it?''he asked.
''Just a simple anesthetic spell,''said Lily softly.
Sirius looked into her eyes for a moment and marveled at the colour. Pale bright green. With his one good arm he smoothed her face and pulled her in to kiss him. Lily stopped for a moment, then smiled broadly and kissed him happily.
Sirius felt his heart would explode. Far from being broken, his heart was dancing inside him. He pulled her face a little deeper and felt her hands run through his hair. It was hard not to laugh with joy for him.
Everything in the world stopped at that moment for them both. There was no sound, no colour, so vision - just eachother. And for afew blissfull moments they were happy. Lily forgot about James, Sirius forgot about his arm and everything else that had been hurting them dissapeared for that moment, which swayed and moved and became more of a lifetime than afew meagre seconds.
They stopped and looked at eachother, both surprised and breathless. Then they laughed.
''How on earth could you run away from that?'' Sirius joked.
Lily smiled and put her head against his. She peered deep into his bright blue eyes that were shining with a very different light than the one that had been there a few moments ago. She smiled at him. Sirius stroked her hair.
''I suppose we should get you to the medical wing and get that shoulder of yours sorted out,''said Lily.
Sirius nodded mutely and Lily helped him to his feet. They beamed at eachother, faces flushed.
Sirius let his head loll onto her shoulder as they walked, even though he was taller than her. Lily slipped her hand into his good one and they walked together in silence to the ward.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all that way
Under the bridge downtown
Is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown
I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown
I gave my life away
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once again, thanks very much for all the reviews. Ooh they make me feel so happpyyyy. The next chapter should be up rather soon but I'm revising for exams at the moment so it might be afew days.
Luv Lux
xox
MER GIRL
Chapter 6 : I don't ever want to feel like I did that day . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes I feel
Like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel
Like my only friend
Is the city I live in
The city of angels
Lonely as I am
Together we cry
I drive on her streets
'Cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills
'Cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds
And she kisses me windy
I never worry
Now that is a lie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius walked around the next day in a haze. He felt betrayed and hurt and deeply confused. Everytime he saw Lily she looked at him in the same way, but there was guilt in her eyes. She'd played him and it hurt a great deal.
Last night she'd kissed him like she'd wanted it just as much as he did and then she'd pushed him away, saying she was scared.
What the hell did that even mean?? Scared?? She had nothing to be scared about - Sirius loved her, she obviously felt something for him and they'd be good together. So why was she scared?
Sirius figured that she was just stalling - waiting to see if James would take her back. It made his insides burn with jealously.
For hours he would slump back in his chair during lessons, just staring into nothing, a scowl on his face. He could see Lily staring at him with guilt in her eyes, and whenever he caught her eye, he would glare to the best of his abilility.
((She deserves it, )) Sirius thought bitterly. (( No-one treats Sirius Black like crap and gets away with it. ))
He scowled ahead of him, face like thunder. The feeling in his chest was unbearable, even if his face said ''cross me and I'll kick your head in.'' It seemed that he didn't even have the energy to smack someone, let alone kick they're head in. Just out of annoyance he gave Peter a weak girly punch in the arm.
''Ow ow ow,'' Peter whimpered.
Sirius payed no attention to him. He slumped forward, his hand resting on his cheek lazily. Out of the corner of his eye he could still see Lily looking at him with a worried expression on her face. Sirius thought about frowning but in retrospect found that he just couldn't be bothered.
He'd had enough. He'd had enough of chasing Lily with a pointed stick, of waiting for her to realise that he was the one that been there to catch her when no-one else would. He had been waiting for her to look at him in that light for years, and the second that she actually kissed him she'd decided that she was 'scared'.
''Pffff, what bullshit,'' Sirius muttered.
''What was that, Mr Black?''
Sirius looked up to see that his teacher was glaring at him with malice. He inwardly groaned.
''Well, seeing as you feel that way about this subject maybe you should leave the class and think about whether you actually want to continue Astronamy,'' she said.
Sirius had had enough. He grabbed his bag and stood up. ''I think you're right,''he said bitterly. ''Maybe I should just go and wander the school by myself and do some serious bloody thinking.'' He shot a dark look at Lily, then stormed out of the room, his face like thunder.
He stamped down the corridors of the school until he reached the grounds and headed out there, still raging. He was starting to feel a bit foolish for throwing a tantrum now, but he felt it was faintly justified by the fact that he'd had to be in the same room as the girl who drove him mad in every way possible. He loved her, he hated her, he wanted her, he never wanted to see her again. Sirius felt confused to say the least.
He came to a bench and threw his bag down on the ground. Sirius slumped roughly on the bench, then chose to lie down and watch the clouds, to see if they'd calm him down a little.
They didn't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way
It's hard to believe
That there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe
That I'm all alone
At least I have her love
The city she loves me
Lonely as I am
Together we cry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius lay on that bench for more than an hour. His legs had gone numb by then and he was in no mood to go back inside Hogwarts anyway. After about an hour and a half he dropped off to sleep.
He was woken about ten minutes later by someone tapping his shoulder. He didn't even bother to open his eyes.
''Look,'' said Sirius impatiently. ''If that's James, Remus or Peter I'll talk to you later. If it's one of my little groupies then go away - can't you see I'm sleeping?? And if it's anyone, and I mean anyone, from Slytherin, the second I have any energy in my body I'll pound you into the ground so fast it won't even be funny. Now piss off, whoever the hell you are.''
A moment passed and the person was still there, Sirius could tell.
''I'm not saying it again,''he said, still refusing to open his eyes. ''Bugger off, like, now if possible.''
''Sirius we need to talk.''
Sirius's eyes shot open and he sat up fast as lightning. ''Oh shit, um, Lily- I uhh . . .I didn't realise it was . . .''
He trailed off, remembering that he was supposed to be angry at her.
He coughed, trying to regain his composure. ''What do you want?'' he said bluntly.
Lily avoided his penetrating blue eyes for a moment and cleared her throat nervously. Sirius felt tectchy being around her, like he'd snap and start shouting any minute.
''About last night - '' Lily started but Sirius cut her off sharply.
''Ooooh no - don't you dare start with all that 'I'm scared' crap again!'' Sirius spat viciously. ''I know what's wrong with your Lily - you're still hoping that James'll take you back! I'm not good enough for you, am I?'' He gave a derisive snort. ''Well, let's get one thing straight - your not the only girl in this school, and there are plenty of others that want to do me. I don't need to wait around for any old girl - I can take my pick. I'm Sirius-Bleeding-Black and I don't get my heart broken my anybody - especially not you.''
Lily looked at him, her face a blank page for a moment. Then she dropped her gaze towards the floor and rubbed her elbow as as nervous gesture.
''That wasn't what I was going to say,''she said softly, still staring at the floor.
Sirius rolled his eyes. ''Yeah, sure,''he said sarcastically. ''I really believe that, Lily. So what's the real reason? You're too chaste and pure for me? Well let me tell you this - ''
Lily cut him off. ''Oh shut the hell up, Sirius!'' she shouted, stamping her foot.
Sirius blinked in surprise.
''You didn't even give me a chance to say what I wanted!'' Lily yelled. ''Stop thinking that your word is law for a second!'' Her face was flushed red with anger. ''What I was going to say, before you interrupted me twice, was that maybe I was scared for a second, but I'm not anymore. I want this Sirius, but seeing as your far to important I'll just leave, shall I?''
Lily turned on her heel and left, leaving Sirius to take in what she'd just said. When it finally sank in, Sirius gave a shocked expression and jumped up from the bench.
''Lily come back!''he shouted.
But it was too late, she'd left. Sirius stood there for a moment staring at the school. Maybe he could catch up with her. His legs wanted to run but somehow they couldn't move. He was still rather shell-shocked. A full minute went past until Sirius found that he could actually move again.
''Oh bloody hell, work damn you!'' he hissed at his legs.
And then he started running.
After a great deal of running round Hogwarts aimlessly looking for Lily, he spotted a flash of red hair in a crowd and darted in that direction, pushing people out of the way to get to her.
''Scuse me, pardon me, sorry, scuse me,'' Sirius babbled, running through the crowd like a battering ram.
''Lily!'' he bellowed over the ever moving crowd. ''Lily! Wait a second!'' Lily didn't stop or even glance over her shoulder, but kept walking.
Sirius swore under his breath and ran faster. People were staring to get annoyed and were shoving him back. A rather big 6th year gave Sirius such a shove that he careered into a wall. He felt his shoulder smash against the surface of the wall and slumped to the floor. Sirius gave a groan of pain and clutched his shoulder.
A gang of Sirius's groupies appeared as if from nowhere and clustered around him.
''Oh Sirius, are you ok?'' they all asked at once.
Sirius pulled himself up despite the horrible pain in his shoulder.
''Oh bloody move,''he snapped at them. He lurched down the corridor as fast as he could go. His shoulder was in pieces, he could tell, but he didn't care. He had to catch up with Lily. The pain was unbearable and tears were filling his eyes. Sirius thought briefly that Lily was the only girl he'd put up with pain for, in more than one way. Inwardly he smiled grimly at the thought.
Sirius saw Lily turn to go up a stairwell and followed her, still clutching his battered shoulder.
''Lily!'' Sirius yelled, his voice cracking with pain. ''Fucking hell, Lily, stop! Listen to me!''
Lily seemed to hear him and turned around. Her face seemed indescribably angry. She glared at Sirius with an expression of extreme dislike. Sirius felt himself shrink a little under her powerful emerald eyes but continued forward nonetheless.
''Lily . .''he began.
She put up a slender white hand to stop him. ''I tried to talk to you, Sirius, but you didn't want to know,''she said, her voice cold and cruel as ice. ''Now there's nothing more to do but say goodbye. I'm sorry.''
She didn't sound sorry at all, but there was a note of some emotion in her voice. Sirius couldn't quite tell what emotion it was.
Sirius felt his heart break like a piece of glass in his chest. ''Lily please listen,''he said desperately. ''I'm sorry I was angry at you earlier but I was hurt. I don't hate you and I'm so so sorry that I wouldn't let you talk.'' Lily turned around to walk away.
Sirius rushed forward but his shoulder stabbed him with pain and he gave a cry and went down.
Lily turned around and looked hard at him.
''What's wrong with your shoulder?'' she said, peering at Sirius oddly.
''I hit it against a wall chasing after you,'' Sirius said, his face creased with pain.
Lily's expression changed slightly and she walked towards him and knelt down next to him. She touched his shoulder lightly. Sirius flinched. ''I'm sorry,''she said. She took out her wand and muttered a spell over him. Most of the pain left Sirius, and he peered at his arm.
''What did you do to it?''he asked.
''Just a simple anesthetic spell,''said Lily softly.
Sirius looked into her eyes for a moment and marveled at the colour. Pale bright green. With his one good arm he smoothed her face and pulled her in to kiss him. Lily stopped for a moment, then smiled broadly and kissed him happily.
Sirius felt his heart would explode. Far from being broken, his heart was dancing inside him. He pulled her face a little deeper and felt her hands run through his hair. It was hard not to laugh with joy for him.
Everything in the world stopped at that moment for them both. There was no sound, no colour, so vision - just eachother. And for afew blissfull moments they were happy. Lily forgot about James, Sirius forgot about his arm and everything else that had been hurting them dissapeared for that moment, which swayed and moved and became more of a lifetime than afew meagre seconds.
They stopped and looked at eachother, both surprised and breathless. Then they laughed.
''How on earth could you run away from that?'' Sirius joked.
Lily smiled and put her head against his. She peered deep into his bright blue eyes that were shining with a very different light than the one that had been there a few moments ago. She smiled at him. Sirius stroked her hair.
''I suppose we should get you to the medical wing and get that shoulder of yours sorted out,''said Lily.
Sirius nodded mutely and Lily helped him to his feet. They beamed at eachother, faces flushed.
Sirius let his head loll onto her shoulder as they walked, even though he was taller than her. Lily slipped her hand into his good one and they walked together in silence to the ward.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all that way
Under the bridge downtown
Is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown
I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown
I gave my life away
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once again, thanks very much for all the reviews. Ooh they make me feel so happpyyyy. The next chapter should be up rather soon but I'm revising for exams at the moment so it might be afew days.
Luv Lux
xox