WFA! LOTR-style

Yes, there's more. Run in terror. Now. But read the story first.

Disclaimer: as usual, they don't belong to me. The recipe and idea for Mirkwood special variety lembas does. I wonder if those things are Kosher…. um, a funny line is again taken from O brother, which is also not mine. Edward Norton is copyright his spiffy self, and I don't own Fight Club. I did participate in a chapter, once. Ah, that was a story for the ages. Anywho. 'Charlotte' is my deranged tribute to Ranma. You know what I'm talking about.

Summary: um, August isn't dead. There is blood. And divine intervention. And drug use. And the use of the word 'spiffy'

August awoke, not in a posh house of healing or on the back of a giant eagle, being carried to safety, as she had expected, but lying on the cold, hard ground. And she was in severe pain.

"My…head…." She moaned, before attempting to sit up. This was a bad idea.

"That's a bad idea." Legolas said calmly.

"uggh….shut up, Lego-kun."

"What did you call me?"

"Never mind. ….Where the hell are we?"

"Same place as before." Mufasa piped in, with her usual hobbit cheerfulness. "Only it's dark."

"Everything is dark to me, Fasa. Now shut up and get me some ice." August once again attempted to sit up, but was hindered by a fresh wave of pain and that oogy vertigo feeling. To stop herself from falling, she got a death grip on whatever the nearest stable object was. It happened to be Legolas' shoulder.

"Owww…." The Elf whined. "Your nails hurt. You're gonna ruin my spiffy elf outfit!" at this, Endril walked over.

"You okay, August?" she asked. "You missed the whole battle..thing."

"What happened to me?" August began checking her head for injury, and found blood in her hair. "GAH! There's BLOOD in my hair! BLOOD!" this outburst only made the pain worse. "what happened to me? Explain. And talk quietly."

"Um, you got hit in the head with a frying pan, actually." Mufasa pointed out. "We think you might have a concussion."

"Oh, really? Well, maybe THAT explains this horrible nausea I'm feeling."

Legolas frowned.

"You know, you should really just stay still and keep quiet. I realize you're hurt, but there are others injured as well."

August looked around a bit. Aragorn was now inside the circle, still out cold. Gimli was trying to wake him up, to no avail. It was difficult to tell whether the Dwarf was hurt or not, seeing as how he always generally looked scruffy. Endril and Mufasa had obviously been fighting the most, as they both looked a bit like Edward Norton, at the end of Fight Club. It was that bad.  Legolas, for his part, looked as if he'd just arrived from his trailer, after having a nice latte, braiding his wig, and hitting on the makeup ladies.

(VALAR) Stop this skewing of reality, girl child. You confuse movieverse with the real world. (/VALAR)

There was an ominous crash of thunder. No one said anything for a moment.

"Anyway." Mufasa continued. "Just before the horde reached us, I took your wizard-stick thing and-"

"Wait. What are you talking about?" August asked. "I don't have a staff. Staffs are for losers."

"This." The hobbit explained, gesturing to a length of a small juniper branch, bound with ribbon and topped with a quartz crystal. This is a wand. (Clearly, a wand)

"My wand. You stole my wand." August seemed very calm about all this.

"Well, I used it to cut a sort of doorway in the circle, and drag Aragorn through."

"You realize once I get over this head trauma, I'm going to kick your ass, right? You jacked my wand, Fasa. You will pay. And did you close the circle?"

"Well, that's where the frying pan came from." said Legolas.

"But I closed the circle-after you were hit, Auggie- with my unexplained magical elf powers. But we had to kill a few rabid fangirls in the process." Endril continued. "Which is why me and Fasa look like we've had the crap beat out of us."

"Well, at least you weren't bitten." Gimli interrupted. "The rabies would have killed you."

"Can we get back to the story?" August asked impatiently. There was another rumble of thunder. "The story about how the army was defeated."

"Well, I wouldn't really say defeated. More like driven away for the moment." Endril said. See, Lego pulled this awesome 'aura of divine nobility' trick, and most of the fangirls ran away in sheer terror. The rest charged at the circle and got vaporized, apparently."

"Wow, Lego-sama, I never really thought of you as the scary type."

"Well, he has a lot of rage, you know," said Mufasa. "I mean, he's royalty too, and he never gets acknowledged for it."

"Yeah!" Legolas pouted. "And stop calling me weird names!"

"Gomen, Lego-sama."

"Stop it!"

"Geez, someone's tetchy." Endril muttered. "We all need to cheer up."

"But how?" Gimli asked. "And we still need to get Aragorn to wake up."

August sensed that they were all caught up in an insidious (but not evil) plot device.

"BLOCK PARTY!" Endril shouted with glee. The glee soon passed, however, as the outburst caused her to cough up more blood. August clutched her head in pain.

"We need medical attention before we can think about parties, End." August mumbled as she bandaged her head with a strip of her cloak. Legolas was rummaging through his quiver, which apparently had a magical elf-quality of unlimited storage space.

"I've got some lembas, if that helps."

A half hour later, the girls were on their way to recovery, thanks to the magical elf-properties of lembas. They were also on their way to being very, very stoned, thanks to whatever drugs Legolas had put in the lembas.

"Thanksh fer da cookies, Lego-shama…." August slurred. She then giggled for reasons unknown.

Legolas was torn between looking annoyed, and very, very amused.

"Duude…." Endril began. "What'd you put in these? These are some mad, mad, cookies, my man."

"Um. Mirkwood special variety. It's a secret."

"Okay!" said Endril, smiling. "Secret. Shhhh…" she then fell over. "I fell off the ground!"

Mufasa, having a normal hobbit appetite, was poking Aragorn with a stick.

"Wake up, Charlotte!" she whispered.  "You gotta try these cookies. Charlotte! Cookies, they are fun! Yesh."

"You." Said August, pointing at Legolas. The effort it took to point, however, was too much for her. She fell over. Legolas reluctantly caught her.

"What?" he asked, rather annoyed.

"I want more cookies, Lego-kun. You're pretty. Give me cookies."

"Stop calling me that."

"Never! –hic- Lego-kun! Cooookie crisp!"

At this point, it should be mentioned that Legolas had planned to use the drugged lembas as a means of revenge for the NyQuil incident. He now realized that this plan had gone horribly wrong.

August was tugging on his endearing braids, which Haldir had blatantly tried to copy (that loser) and failed miserably.

"Ow."

"Cheeese." August grinned. "Cheese." Another tug.

"Stop it."

"Cheese."

This enlightened conversation could have gone on indefinitely, were it not for Mufasa, who ran into a tree.

"Is that youuu, Charlotte?" she deranged hobbit asked. "Are you awake? Try the cookies."

The tree, being not of the Ent variety, did not respond.

Legolas sighed, sighing being something that he does quite often, for he is an Elf in the midst of maniacs. August tugged on his braids.

And out of nowhere, Aragorn's subconscious chose that moment to kick him and tell him to get the hell up and go to work.

"Wha…?" said the Ranger/heir of Isildur

"Isiiilduuuur!" Endril said in a funny voice. August giggled.

"Mah hair!" Aragorn announced.

"He's alive!!!" Mufasa shouted, here eyes sparkling in crazed glee. "You've come back to me, Charlotte!"

"Who is Charlotte?" Aragorn asked. "Who am I?"

There was silence. Crickets chirped. And then there was more silence.

"I don't know my name!" he yelled in desperation.

"Um….Aragorn?" August offered.

"Well, he's also known as Strider," said Endril.

"Elessar, Lord of Gondor!" Gimli piped in

"Well, not yet, but you will be." Mufasa said.

"You were named Estel by Lord Elrond." Legolas pointed out.

"That means 'hope'." said August.

"Wingfoot!"

"Elfstone!"

"Dunadan!"

"Charlotte!"

"Shut up, Mufasa."

Aragorn shook his head and sighed.

"But you ARE Charlotte!" Mufasa screamed. "You are!!"

"Ferreal tho, dude. Your name is Aragorn. Son of Arathorn." said August as she led Mufasa away to go sit in a corner.

"I can't help but get the feeling I'm in love with someone." Aragorn mused, once they'd convinced him of his name. "Am I in love with you?"

This question was directed as Legolas. There were more crickets chirping.

"Nooo." The Elf said patiently. "I am your best friend. My name is Legolas."

"I thought you were my best friend!" Gimli cried.

"Now, now." said August. "Lego-kun can't be best friends with everyone, now can he?" She put an arm around the Elf's shoulder. "I'm his girl." she explained to Aragorn.

"You are NOT!" Legolas yelled.

"You're just in denial, Lego-kun."

"And STOP calling me that!"

"You two fight like a married couple." Aragorn pointed out.

"WHYYY???!" the stressed out Elf prince screamed. "Why ME?"

"Oh, you rock, A-man. You ROCK." August gave him a high five.

Legolas was, being under a lot of stress, downing lembas like there was no tomorrow.

A note: The audience may rest assured that the Elf in question will remain in perfect health, and the cookies will not go straight to his hips. The Elf in question has asked us to point this out, being concerned about public opinion.

"And a vain bastard!" August yelled, interrupting the note.

A note, continued: The audience may also rest assured that the author in question has now had some sense beaten into her and will refrain from further interrupting this interruption of the plot. We now return to the story proper. Thank you. (The Management)

"Wow, the Valar do really great public service announcements." Endril pointed out.

"So, who am I in love with?" asked Aragorn, who was not used to have the attention focused away from him for such a long time. At August's direction, Endril and Mufasa quickly held a round of 'rock, paper, scissors'.

"Ha, in your face, hobbit!" the girl Elf screamed. "Rock smashes Scissors!!!!"

"Best two out of three?" said Mufasa weakly, and then she went off to cry, and join Legolas in drowning her sorrows with lembas.

"I was so worried about you, my love!" said Endril in a really girly falsetto voice as she embraced Aragorn. Gimli snickered. August was in convulsions of silent laughter, and Legolas choked on a piece of lembas.

"…What's your name?" asked Aragorn. The laughter and choking became worse. Gimli hit Legolas in the stomach with the flat side of his axe, and the Elf coughed up the bit of food.

"My…ribs…" He gasped. "Pain!"

"Oh, I'll nurse you back to health, darling!" cried August, who rushed over and hugged him. Legolas was too tired to do anything at this point, so he stood there and cried.

Aragorn and Endril were getting…re-acquainted.

"Endril, stop snoggin yer damn boyfriend." August yelled. "We have a block party to plan."

"But there's no block!" said Legolas. August ignored him.

"We'll have to find a babysitter for the kids." Endril replied.

"Wait, we don't have any kids." Said Aragorn. "At least, I don't think I have any kids. Do we have kids, honey?"

"Uh, no, Aragorn. My dad told you that you couldn't….um….fornicate….with anyone until you're the lord of two kingdoms."

"Damn. That overbearing bastard! Nothing I do is good enough for him!"

"Hey, that's my dad you're talking about! And he'll unleash Matrix-style Kung-Fu beatdown on you if you piss him off!"

"End, you are aware that Hugo Weaving isn't really your dad, right?" asked August.

"I need a drink." Legolas declared.

"Amen, brother." Said Aragorn.

And, as often happens when there is a lull in the action, (because it is all about the action, you know.) someone went crazy. A quick look at the Crazy Chart would have revealed that is was Mufasa's turn.

"Why don't I have a boyfriend?!" the hobbit girl screamed. "Even one that ignores me, or is sad all the time! I need love, too!!! Why?!!" Mufasa was shaking slightly.

"What about me?" Gimli asked in a small voice.

"Dwarves just aren't attractive!" Fasa yelled. "It's not FAIR!!!"

"C'mon, say it!" August hissed to Legolas.

"No!"

"C'mon! Do it!"

"Fine." Legolas sighed. "Ahem. You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is." Even though this was said in a monotone, Endril and August still dissolved into a fit of laughter.

Mufasa frowned at them.

"It's not funny, guys."

The laughter continued. Everyone else began laughing as well.

"I feel live Velma from Scooby-Doo." Mufasa muttered. Her muttering was cut off when a spooky disembodied voice filtered through the air.

"I can't wait for that movie!" the voice said enthusiastically, and then vanished.

"Hey, um, can we get back to me?" Legolas asked. "Because I'm pretty."

"Well I'm the romantic lead!" Aragorn yelled.

"I need a boyfriend!!" Mufasa whined.

"Shut yer damn mouth." said August as she snapped her fingers. Gimli vanished in a puff of smoke.

--BZORK!--

In his place, there now stood a young, rather thin-faced hobbit, who didn't seem to know where he was.

"Well, yes, Treebeard, those Ent-draughts were bloody good, but what about second breakfast?" asked Pippin.

********************************

Author's note: sorry, Gimli fans. Or Legolas/Gimli fans. Also, apologies to those expecting Lego to sing. That's in the next chapter, which will be written by Endril and myself. I will mail a case of Mirkwood special variety lembas to whoever can coherently explain why Pippin was talking about second breakfast, when I explicitly stated at the beginning it was nighttime.

A big thanks to everyone who reviewed, especially torturedwriter (I loved your LOTR story!) and Amy Fortuna, who inspired the bit with the eagles. Bye!