wellDisclaimer : I don't own Harry Potter, or much else for that matter.
MER GIRL
Chapter 9 : Denial, Revisited
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So here we go
Having the same old fight again
There she goes
Same old game that never ends If I could say
The right words
I know I could make you stay
If I could say
The right words
Things would work out all right
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius headed back to his room in a ridiculously good mood. For all he knew, he could've been walking on air. The feeling he was having was so refreshing. It felt like he'd been trapped underwater for an age, and only now was he allowed to breathe fresh air again.
He opened the door to his dorm and walked inside. ''Alright?'' he said.
Remus turned his head and smiled. ''Alright, Padfoot?''he said.
''Yeah,'' said Sirius. He turned his head to look at James, who hadn't said a word.
''James asleep, is he?'' Sirius said to Remus. Lupin shrugged.
Sirius walked over to James and gave him a little nudge. ''Alright mate?''he said. ''I've just got in.''
''Yeah, I noticed,''said James, his eyes still shut up.
Sirius blinked. ''Why didn't you say hello to me then?''
''Because I'm trying to sleep, in case you didn't notice,''said James, coldly. James wished that Siruis would just piss off right now. He wanted to hit him, but not right now. He had decided to wait a while, then let loose on Sirius. But there was no harm in being cold to him whilst he was at it.
''Oh,'' said Sirius. He felt rather hurt and went to his bed and lay down. ''Is he in a bad mood with me?'' Sirius mouthed noiselessly to Lupin. Remus nodded.
Sirius didn't say anthing else. He had a nasty suspicion to why James was acting this way. He swallowed nervously and frowned to himself, worry etched like a painting on his beautiful face. he started to think what James might do when his anger and jealousy reached it's peak. Obviously he'd found out about Lily, and horribly fast. Sirius bit his lip. He felt conflicted. James was his best friend, and he didn't want to get him angry. But Lily meant so much to him it hurt.
He remembered the phrase, ''Friends are forever'' all of a sudden and felt sick to his stomach. Friends were meant to be the ones you had when you had nobody else. What happened when he and Lily would break up? At the rate he was going he'd have no friends by then.
He stiffened, angry at everyone all of a sudden. He loved Lily, and if James was a real friend he'd be happy for him.
No, that wasn't fair.
He knew that if one of his friends went off with a girl he'd been in love with for years he wouldn't be exactly over the moon about it.
But James had given her up!
But James wanted her back.
But James was his friend!
But James had hurt Lily.
Siruis was more than confused. He gave a little groan to himself and tried to go to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And if you go
I won't believe
That it's forever
And you can go
But I'll never leave
Cause it's not over
Replay last night
Talking it out don't make it right
I know she's tried, but my whole world
Is her and all we've got now
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It didn't work. Sirius slung his legs over the side of his bed at four in the morning, his head overflowing with arguments from both sides. He pulled on his trousers and headed outside for a walk.
Within moments he heard footsteps behind him and spun round, startled.
It was none other than James, who had a very distasteful look on his face.
''Alright?''said Sirius, his tone rather nervous.
''Not really,''said James, his voice dark.
Sirius stood there uncomftably with his hands in his pockets. He rocked back and forth on his heels, at a loss at what to say. James was staring at him so intently that it was unnerving.
''So . . .'' Sirius attempted to start the conversation but drifted off.
James was still glaring. Sirius coughed nervously. ''What?''he said.
James's face was a picture of dislike. ''You bloody know what, Black,''he hissed.
Sirius blanched. He knew what was coming. ''I guess you know about me and Lily then . . .''said Sirius.
James looked as if he was going to spontaneously combust with anger. ''Your fucking right I know about you and Lily, Sirius!''he blazed. ''As if you didn't make it bloody obvious when you had your tongue down her throat earlier tonight! What the fuck do you think you're doing??''
Sirius was starting to feel angry himself. ''Who the hell do you think you're talking to?''he said.
James wasn't listening. ''She was my girlfriend first, Sirius, and one of the rules of friendship is that you never, ever go out with your best friend's ex!'' He ranted in this vein for a good while, and with every moment Sirius could feel himself getting more and more worked up, until the point came where he could stand it no more.
''Oh, James, why don't you just shut the fuck up and listen to yourself!! You're the one standing there ranting at me for doing nothing wrong! In case you don't remember, you're the one that dumped Lily, and then buggered off with some other girl, who might I add, you finished with two days ago. And now all of a sudden you turn up with your fiery sword of righteousnes, bellowing about how she's your girl and you saw her first and all this pretentious bullshit! Fucking listen to yourself, James!''
James stopped, shocked. He blinked a couple of times. There was rage and misery in Sirius's blue eyes, and a sense of judgement there that James felt he couldn't rival. He hung his head.
''Sirius, you don't understand,''he began.
Sirius rolled his eyes. ''Don't start, James,''he said, exasperatedly. ''Just . . . don't, ok?''
James wasn't listening. ''You don't understand,''he said again. ''I miss her Sirius, I really do and when I saw you with her earlier . . .I don't know. I just felt like I wanted to kill something, you know?''
Sirius turned to walk away. ''I don't care right now, James,''he said.
James's voice became suddenly loud. ''Don't you DARE walk away from me,''he hissed.
Sirius kept walking. Right now, he didn't give a flying fuck about how anyone felt. He just needed to think, clear his head. He didn't know what was right or what was wrong. He was confused and the last thing he needed was James breathing down his neck.
All of a sudden, Sirius felt James tackle him to the ground. His head hit the floor with a crack and a terrible pain shot through him. His forehead became warm and sticky and he tasted blood in his mouth. He was so shocked that he couldn't move. James had never hit him full out before and he was frightened in a way.
James pulled him over and went to punch him in the face. Sirius's head was spinning. All he could do was close his eyes and wait for the blow.
It never came.
Sirius opened his eyes hesistantly and peered up at James, who was looking at him in horror. His eyes were wide with shock and there was shame written all over his face.
''Fucking hell . . .''he whispered, more to himself than Sirius. James moved back from Sirius sharply, his breathing rapid.
Sirius couldn't move much. He'd hit his head pretty hard. He stared up at James with an expression of betrayal, shock and bruising pain. Against his will, his eyes filled with shocked tears.
''Sirius, I . . . I'm so sorry . . . I didn't mean to. . . Sirius, please . . .'' James looked pain beyond belief. He was visibly disgusted at himself.
Sirius got shakily to his feet and looked at James with an expression he couldn't read. His eyes glowed with such intensity that it was unbearable. They glowed with tears. Sirius took a deep, shaky breath.
''James . . .''he said slowly. ''I think . . .''
''Sirius, please, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I really didn't. If . . . if you like Lily so much, then stay with her. Look man, I didn't mean to hit you. I didn't know what I was doing, it was a mistake! I'm so sorry.'' James looked like he was going to cry.
Sirius held up a hand to silence James. He sighed. ''I can see you're sorry,''he said. ''And I'm going to forgive you. But you have to understand, James. I never wanted to hurt you about Lily. And I don't want to hurt Lily the way you did. You're my best mate, and if I hurt you I'd only feel worse.''
James stared at his feet. He found it impossible to look at Sirius's searching eyes. He felt awful, so ashamed of himself.
''All this for a girl?''said Sirius, wryly.
James smiled sadly. ''Yeah,''was all he could say.
''I don't want to lose my best friend, James,''said Sirius, and there was a terrible sadness in his voice. ''I can't risk something I already have, for something that could be.''
A strange expression came onto James's face. ''I don't understand, Sirius,''he said.
Sirius stopped. What was he doing?? He'd spent months fighting for Lily and now he was going to give her up? What the hell was wrong with him??
Then he realised that it wasn't him with the problem. It was Lily. She still loved James, deep down. She'd never love him that way. And James still loved her, so he said. What would be gained from standing in the way of two people who wanted eachother.
His heart crunched painfully in his chest and he felt ill.
''I think . . . ''Sirius said slowly. He stopped again. Part of him knew he was going to regret this, but another part of him knew it was right. He took a deep breath. ''I think, if you still love Lily you should go for it.'' The words tasted like poison in his mouth.
He felt the corners of his eyes sting with tears. He was giving up the one thing he really love for his best friend.
James's face was unreadable. ''But you love her,''he said.
''But she loves you,''said Sirius. ''Who am I to stand in the way of that?'' He voice cracked briefly. ''Go and talk to her tommorrow, James. She'll forgive you for everything, because Lily's like that. She's too selfless.''
He turned to walk away.
''Sirius! Wait.''
Sirius turned around as if it was a chore and stared at James through misty eyes.
''You're too good to me, you know that?'' James said. ''And you're too good to her.''
Sirius looked out of a window at the moon. He gave a deep sigh. ''I know,''he said.
Then he left. He needed to be alone. He felt as if he'd just thrown jewels into the ocean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I won't let go
Even if she say that it's over
I know it'll be
Different this time
If you'd just stay
And when we wrote this story
How did it end?
It was you and me for all our lives
Come on, don't say it
We'll try again
And if I'd just hold you
We could last
But she stands softly
Tears down her face
Hitting me, oh god
This is the end
I'd wait here for you
But there's nothing more now I can do
How did you know
How did you know
Finally
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, the next chapter will probably be the last and then I'll write one extra tiny thing. Oooh I hate sad endings but it has to be done. Sorry that the song thing was so long in this chapter, but I found this song quite fitting. Thanks again for all the reviews! :-)
Luv Lux
xox
MER GIRL
Chapter 9 : Denial, Revisited
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So here we go
Having the same old fight again
There she goes
Same old game that never ends If I could say
The right words
I know I could make you stay
If I could say
The right words
Things would work out all right
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius headed back to his room in a ridiculously good mood. For all he knew, he could've been walking on air. The feeling he was having was so refreshing. It felt like he'd been trapped underwater for an age, and only now was he allowed to breathe fresh air again.
He opened the door to his dorm and walked inside. ''Alright?'' he said.
Remus turned his head and smiled. ''Alright, Padfoot?''he said.
''Yeah,'' said Sirius. He turned his head to look at James, who hadn't said a word.
''James asleep, is he?'' Sirius said to Remus. Lupin shrugged.
Sirius walked over to James and gave him a little nudge. ''Alright mate?''he said. ''I've just got in.''
''Yeah, I noticed,''said James, his eyes still shut up.
Sirius blinked. ''Why didn't you say hello to me then?''
''Because I'm trying to sleep, in case you didn't notice,''said James, coldly. James wished that Siruis would just piss off right now. He wanted to hit him, but not right now. He had decided to wait a while, then let loose on Sirius. But there was no harm in being cold to him whilst he was at it.
''Oh,'' said Sirius. He felt rather hurt and went to his bed and lay down. ''Is he in a bad mood with me?'' Sirius mouthed noiselessly to Lupin. Remus nodded.
Sirius didn't say anthing else. He had a nasty suspicion to why James was acting this way. He swallowed nervously and frowned to himself, worry etched like a painting on his beautiful face. he started to think what James might do when his anger and jealousy reached it's peak. Obviously he'd found out about Lily, and horribly fast. Sirius bit his lip. He felt conflicted. James was his best friend, and he didn't want to get him angry. But Lily meant so much to him it hurt.
He remembered the phrase, ''Friends are forever'' all of a sudden and felt sick to his stomach. Friends were meant to be the ones you had when you had nobody else. What happened when he and Lily would break up? At the rate he was going he'd have no friends by then.
He stiffened, angry at everyone all of a sudden. He loved Lily, and if James was a real friend he'd be happy for him.
No, that wasn't fair.
He knew that if one of his friends went off with a girl he'd been in love with for years he wouldn't be exactly over the moon about it.
But James had given her up!
But James wanted her back.
But James was his friend!
But James had hurt Lily.
Siruis was more than confused. He gave a little groan to himself and tried to go to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And if you go
I won't believe
That it's forever
And you can go
But I'll never leave
Cause it's not over
Replay last night
Talking it out don't make it right
I know she's tried, but my whole world
Is her and all we've got now
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It didn't work. Sirius slung his legs over the side of his bed at four in the morning, his head overflowing with arguments from both sides. He pulled on his trousers and headed outside for a walk.
Within moments he heard footsteps behind him and spun round, startled.
It was none other than James, who had a very distasteful look on his face.
''Alright?''said Sirius, his tone rather nervous.
''Not really,''said James, his voice dark.
Sirius stood there uncomftably with his hands in his pockets. He rocked back and forth on his heels, at a loss at what to say. James was staring at him so intently that it was unnerving.
''So . . .'' Sirius attempted to start the conversation but drifted off.
James was still glaring. Sirius coughed nervously. ''What?''he said.
James's face was a picture of dislike. ''You bloody know what, Black,''he hissed.
Sirius blanched. He knew what was coming. ''I guess you know about me and Lily then . . .''said Sirius.
James looked as if he was going to spontaneously combust with anger. ''Your fucking right I know about you and Lily, Sirius!''he blazed. ''As if you didn't make it bloody obvious when you had your tongue down her throat earlier tonight! What the fuck do you think you're doing??''
Sirius was starting to feel angry himself. ''Who the hell do you think you're talking to?''he said.
James wasn't listening. ''She was my girlfriend first, Sirius, and one of the rules of friendship is that you never, ever go out with your best friend's ex!'' He ranted in this vein for a good while, and with every moment Sirius could feel himself getting more and more worked up, until the point came where he could stand it no more.
''Oh, James, why don't you just shut the fuck up and listen to yourself!! You're the one standing there ranting at me for doing nothing wrong! In case you don't remember, you're the one that dumped Lily, and then buggered off with some other girl, who might I add, you finished with two days ago. And now all of a sudden you turn up with your fiery sword of righteousnes, bellowing about how she's your girl and you saw her first and all this pretentious bullshit! Fucking listen to yourself, James!''
James stopped, shocked. He blinked a couple of times. There was rage and misery in Sirius's blue eyes, and a sense of judgement there that James felt he couldn't rival. He hung his head.
''Sirius, you don't understand,''he began.
Sirius rolled his eyes. ''Don't start, James,''he said, exasperatedly. ''Just . . . don't, ok?''
James wasn't listening. ''You don't understand,''he said again. ''I miss her Sirius, I really do and when I saw you with her earlier . . .I don't know. I just felt like I wanted to kill something, you know?''
Sirius turned to walk away. ''I don't care right now, James,''he said.
James's voice became suddenly loud. ''Don't you DARE walk away from me,''he hissed.
Sirius kept walking. Right now, he didn't give a flying fuck about how anyone felt. He just needed to think, clear his head. He didn't know what was right or what was wrong. He was confused and the last thing he needed was James breathing down his neck.
All of a sudden, Sirius felt James tackle him to the ground. His head hit the floor with a crack and a terrible pain shot through him. His forehead became warm and sticky and he tasted blood in his mouth. He was so shocked that he couldn't move. James had never hit him full out before and he was frightened in a way.
James pulled him over and went to punch him in the face. Sirius's head was spinning. All he could do was close his eyes and wait for the blow.
It never came.
Sirius opened his eyes hesistantly and peered up at James, who was looking at him in horror. His eyes were wide with shock and there was shame written all over his face.
''Fucking hell . . .''he whispered, more to himself than Sirius. James moved back from Sirius sharply, his breathing rapid.
Sirius couldn't move much. He'd hit his head pretty hard. He stared up at James with an expression of betrayal, shock and bruising pain. Against his will, his eyes filled with shocked tears.
''Sirius, I . . . I'm so sorry . . . I didn't mean to. . . Sirius, please . . .'' James looked pain beyond belief. He was visibly disgusted at himself.
Sirius got shakily to his feet and looked at James with an expression he couldn't read. His eyes glowed with such intensity that it was unbearable. They glowed with tears. Sirius took a deep, shaky breath.
''James . . .''he said slowly. ''I think . . .''
''Sirius, please, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I really didn't. If . . . if you like Lily so much, then stay with her. Look man, I didn't mean to hit you. I didn't know what I was doing, it was a mistake! I'm so sorry.'' James looked like he was going to cry.
Sirius held up a hand to silence James. He sighed. ''I can see you're sorry,''he said. ''And I'm going to forgive you. But you have to understand, James. I never wanted to hurt you about Lily. And I don't want to hurt Lily the way you did. You're my best mate, and if I hurt you I'd only feel worse.''
James stared at his feet. He found it impossible to look at Sirius's searching eyes. He felt awful, so ashamed of himself.
''All this for a girl?''said Sirius, wryly.
James smiled sadly. ''Yeah,''was all he could say.
''I don't want to lose my best friend, James,''said Sirius, and there was a terrible sadness in his voice. ''I can't risk something I already have, for something that could be.''
A strange expression came onto James's face. ''I don't understand, Sirius,''he said.
Sirius stopped. What was he doing?? He'd spent months fighting for Lily and now he was going to give her up? What the hell was wrong with him??
Then he realised that it wasn't him with the problem. It was Lily. She still loved James, deep down. She'd never love him that way. And James still loved her, so he said. What would be gained from standing in the way of two people who wanted eachother.
His heart crunched painfully in his chest and he felt ill.
''I think . . . ''Sirius said slowly. He stopped again. Part of him knew he was going to regret this, but another part of him knew it was right. He took a deep breath. ''I think, if you still love Lily you should go for it.'' The words tasted like poison in his mouth.
He felt the corners of his eyes sting with tears. He was giving up the one thing he really love for his best friend.
James's face was unreadable. ''But you love her,''he said.
''But she loves you,''said Sirius. ''Who am I to stand in the way of that?'' He voice cracked briefly. ''Go and talk to her tommorrow, James. She'll forgive you for everything, because Lily's like that. She's too selfless.''
He turned to walk away.
''Sirius! Wait.''
Sirius turned around as if it was a chore and stared at James through misty eyes.
''You're too good to me, you know that?'' James said. ''And you're too good to her.''
Sirius looked out of a window at the moon. He gave a deep sigh. ''I know,''he said.
Then he left. He needed to be alone. He felt as if he'd just thrown jewels into the ocean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I won't let go
Even if she say that it's over
I know it'll be
Different this time
If you'd just stay
And when we wrote this story
How did it end?
It was you and me for all our lives
Come on, don't say it
We'll try again
And if I'd just hold you
We could last
But she stands softly
Tears down her face
Hitting me, oh god
This is the end
I'd wait here for you
But there's nothing more now I can do
How did you know
How did you know
Finally
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, the next chapter will probably be the last and then I'll write one extra tiny thing. Oooh I hate sad endings but it has to be done. Sorry that the song thing was so long in this chapter, but I found this song quite fitting. Thanks again for all the reviews! :-)
Luv Lux
xox