WFA! LOTR-style
Chapter 3: the Block Party of DOOM.
Disclaimer: things I don't own: Any LOTR characters, Endril, Mufasa, Satchmo Da Kung Fu Spider, Butterbur's ale (or any other alcoholic beverage mentioned herein), Raymond the Gnome, Hez (or his website, or his sword which he did get through mail order, damn him) Lizzie : Warrior Hobbit, any and all Movies, Books, Games, Celebrities, Songs I may reference, etc. I own August. That's pretty much it.
Summary: Special guest stars and nervous breakdowns galore in this, the third installation of WFA! LOTR-style. Big giant party chapter, which you've all been waiting for, I know. Legolas gets plastered and sings, Aragorn gets plastered, sings, and then reflects on his life bitterly. Rated pg-15 for language, massive alcohol consumption, horribly butchered songs, people acting retarded, mention of Merry/Pippin slash, and general shounen ai innuendo. And I make fun of Luke Skywalker. Enjoy.
AN: thanks once again to everyone who reviewed. I finally got time to write ch. 3! This was a joint effort between me and Endril, actually. Many thanks to her. Five points to whoever can tell me what it is Aragorn gets drunk off of, and where the heck it came from. This chapter is dedicated to my good friend Hez, who went through a bit of a rough spot in his life recently. Cheer up, you vicious bastard. I hope it all works out okay.
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Aragorn had no idea who the newcomer was, but somewhere deep in his mind was the urge to feel both relieved, and very annoyed. The girls obviously felt differently.
"PIPPIN!" they yelled, running over to hug the hobbit.
"Um, who are ye ladies?" asked the very confused Pippin as he was nearly smothered.
"I love you." Said Mufasa happily, tousling Pippin's auburn, curly hair and giving him a hug. She was just glad to have found someone her size; granted, however, even he was taller. Pippin, very frightened and confused, backed away, seeking refuge behind Legolas. Aragorn poked him with a stick happily.
"How…how did you get here?" Asked Legolas. "And where were you?"
"Oh, we were in Fangorn, hangin out wi….Fangorn. Where's Merry?" Pippin looked slightly concerned.
"I snapped you in here, and you switched places with Gimli." August explained. "I've decided I can transplant matter." Endril was excited.
"That could help with the party!" she said enthusiastically.
"Party?" asked pippin, a crazed gleam in his eye.
"Yep! A block party! You know, barbecues and karaoke and mosquitoes!" said Endril happily, pulling on Aragorn's cloak to stand him up.
"But…there's no block!" said Legolas, forever the voice of reason while Aragorn was…off duty.
"So? There's no Kids either! Or neighbors! But that's not the point!"
Aragorn was still hesitant.
"There'll be beer." August said coyly.
"Beer?" Aragorn said, perking up immediately.
"Yes. Much spiffy beer. We'll try and get some Guinness, if we can."
"Guinness cures cancer!" said a tiny voice from the vicinity of Aragon's shoulder. There stood a little Scandinavian person with glasses, a 70's style women's jacket, and a pointed hat. It gave a shrill laugh and promptly disappeared in a flash of light.
"Whit dae ye suppose tha was?" asked Pippin.
"A…Gnome." Said Mufasa. Everyone was very confused. "A gnome with wave powers."
"Was that a celebrity guest star?" August asked.
"No." said another mysterious voice. "But this is." A tall, extremely skinny young man with a cancer-patient haircut stepped out of the shadows.
"H-Hez?" Endril asked tentatively. Hez grinned.
"So, how's my fanclub?" the Limey asked.
He grinned broadly as the entire group stared at him silently. Most looked confused, but Legolas frowned. Endril noticed how pretty he was when he frowned.
"Snap out if it!" Hez said happily, staring at his clothes. "Hey, where are my Sith robes?" finally Auggie and Endril broke their shock and ran to their only British friend (unless you count old guys) with cries of glee. Mufasa sulked and went back to bothering Pippin. Seeing as how Aragorn was once again leaning against a tree and looking sad (because there wasn't any beer), no one was paying attention to Legolas.
"Intruder…stealing…popularity…" the Elf muttered as his eye began twitching. "Must have…attention….must….kill…intruder…" Legolas pulled out a dagger with which to quickly dispatch Hez, but the shiny blade distracted him. "Shiiny…"
"Ee needs some liquor in him, fast." Pippin remarked. August snapped in a round of Butterbur's finest in place of a clump of grass.
"But…I don't drink…" Hez protested. "Really! It says so on my website!"
"What's a website?" Pippin asked.
"Shh," Mufasa said comfortingly. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it."
"No! I'm the pretty one!" Legolas yelled suddenly, his attention momentarily drawn away from the way the sunlight bounced off the metal on his dagger. "You're supposed to love ME!! I'm beautiful! Pay attention to me!"
"Umm, what's his deal?" said Hez. "Why would anyone go for him when I'm around?" he flashed a smile again. Legolas let out a scream of agony.
"MEEEEEeeee!" he yelled as he ran at Hez.
August expected Hez to dodge the attack. At the very least, Legolas should have run into some large stationary object for comic effect. But instead, Hez drew a Whacking Great Sword™ from the scabbard at his waist and took a defensive stance.
"Hey." said Aragorn suspiciously, looking at the sword. "Isn't that Glamdring?"
"Uhmm…It was mail order…" Hez nervously replied.
"Anyway, let's get the party started!" said Endril. A rabid fangirl spy snuck up behind her. August snapped again, and the fangirl was quickly replaced by a buffet table full of food and beverage. A rock became a very expensive sound system in much the same manner.
"Doesn't that need a power source?" Hez asked. Legolas was once again looking at the shiny dagger.
"Damn." August muttered. She replaced the sound system with another one, this time with a solar cell.
"God bless the photoelectric effect." Said Mufasa contentedly as Beatles music started playing.
"Shouldn't you say 'bibbity bobbity boo', or something?" Hez asked August.
"Don't push me, Limey." Said August as she downed a Mai Tai. "Have a drink."
"I told you I don't-"
"Well, you've never exactly been to Middle-Earth before, either."
"True…" Hez promptly joined Pippin in getting tanked on pints of ale.
"This party is…missing something." Endril remarked. Her thoughts were cut off as Legolas uttered a bloodcurdling scream. There was the obligatory noise of a record being suddenly stopped, even though all Fasa did was pause the cd player. Legolas had dropped his shiny dagger, and was now staring at his arm in horror. Utter horror. On it was a large black spider (not as large as giant Elf-eating spiders. More like a big tarantula.) with a red marking in the shape of an inverted cross on its abdomen. The spider was clicking at Legolas, evidently trying to say something to him.
"GET IT OFF!!!" he screeched madly.
"Oh, that's where Satchmo went." Said Mufasa calmly. "Satch, what are you doing to Legolas?" the spider turned its many eyes toward the female hobbit and clicked at her. It seemed rather annoyed.
"Well, yes, I know he's good-looking, but I think you gave him a bit of a shock."
"You know this thing?" Legolas yelled.
"Yeah, man." Said August. "Satch hangs out in Fasa's pack." The Elf prince looked like he was going to faint. He didn't.
"So this is Satchmo." Said Hez. The spider jumped over and landed on his hand. "Nice to finally meet you." Satchmo the spider clicked affectionately.
"Errr…Sorry, Satchmo, me mate, I'm not a huge fan of spiders," Hez said, but he patted the spider anyway. Legolas shivered, and Endril stroked his hair.
"I'll protect you." She said with a grin. Legolas edged away, but he had to choose between spiders and fawning girls, and despite himself he allowed Endril to pat his head. At a signal from August, Endril tackled Legolas and held him down while the mage started pouring moonshine down his throat.
"This is for your own good, you know." Said August. She felt rather bad about forcing the Elf to drink, but if he didn't get plastered (and fast) Hez might be in mortal peril. Legolas might have a short attention span, but sooner or later he would remember why he was angry with the Brit.
"Hey, you don't think I could take him?!" Hez said with a pout. He was still holding his sword by his side and looking wistfully at the very drunk Legolas. (Not in that way, so keep those dirty, slashy thoughts to yourself.) Legolas was staring, starry-eyed, and having trouble focusing at something the others could not see. Pippin cleared his throat nervously as Mufasa grabbed him by the hand.
"Let's dance!" she said gleefully. Endril, bored with the very wasted Legolas, noticed Aragorn still being sad under a tree. Casually she handed him a glass full of some suspicious green-tinted drink. Aragorn looked at the glass in, well, suspicion.
"What is this?" he asked, fixing Endril with a steely Ranger glare. Endril smiled happily.
"Oh, I would never do anything to hurt you, Dearest! Fear not!" she smiled again. Aragorn cautiously took a sip, then quickly spit it out with distaste.
"…BITTER!" he gasped.
"Criminy, End," said August, who was trying to get Legolas to sit up. "Didn't you pour it over sugar first?"
"Damn, I forgot." Endril quickly did this, and handed the glass back to Aragorn. He drank the mysterious green concoction, and smiled.
"That's better. Thank you, dear."
Legolas, meanwhile, had staggered over to the karaoke machine and was trying to pick out songs. And then Lizzie appeared out of thin air.
"Fuck Christian, then!" Lizzie said loudly as if it were the most natural thing in the world for her to appear there for no good reason. For a second the party sat and stared at Lizzie. Lizzie grinned at her friends, and then fixed her short, reddish hair. Mufasa, unsurprisingly, was the first to break the silence.
"Nooo! You can't have him! He's mine!" Mufasa screamed, launching herself at Pippin. Luckily, Legolas and Aragorn were still reeling from their drinks and didn't seem to notice what was going on. They lay on the ground giggling, pointing at something non-existent in the sky. August managed to stumble over them and catch Fasa before any possible damage was done to Pippin, and Endril attempted to hold Lizzie back. In amongst the obscenities she was shouting, the warrior hobbit managed to yell this at Mufasa:
"Get your damn hands off him, Pip's with Merry!"
Mufasa was less than pleased at this news.
"It's not TRUUUE!!!" she wailed in a very Luke Skywalker way. "It's not possible! Why, Pip? Whyyy?" the poor hobbit was now in tears
"Look, no 'ard feelins, luv," said Pippin as he tried to explain. "I didnae wan tae urt yer feelins or owt, but me an Mer, we're in loove." This might have been comforting to Mufasa if she could understand what Pippin had said.
"umm.." she said, rather hopelessly.
"Oh, how's abou ye go shoppin wi me sometime?" asked Pippin.
"Okay!" Fasa smiled. August dropped her rather unceremoniously and went to get another strawberry daiquiri before Lizzie drank them all. Endril and Hez were chatting quite contentedly at a table, and sipping fine red wine from Mirkwood.
"Excuse me." Said a hoarse voice from the direction of the sound system. Legolas was holding onto the microphone to stay vertical, and somehow, there was a spotlight on him. The Elf took another swig of moonshine and cleared his throat.
"Having figured out your shtrange alien voish machine, I haff a verry speshul announshement to make. We shall have shongs! Aragorn, shing us some shongs, buddy!" Legolas gestured emphatically towards Aragorn, and the spotlight moved to show the Ranger, who seemed to be in a worse state of intoxication than the Elf. Disturbingly familiar music wafted through the air, and Aragorn slowly began to sing.
"At first I was afraid, I was petrified…"
Everyone winced in pain. It should be noted that Isildur's heir could sing, just very, very badly.
"Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side…"
Here, Aragorn winked lewdly at Legolas, who rolled his eyes in disgust, took another swig, and collapsed onto August. And still the singing did not stop.
" Then I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong, And I grew strong…And I learned how to get along…."
The music picked up pace, but Aragorn only sang louder.
"And so you're back, from outer space, I just walked in to find you here, with that sad look upon your face. I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, if I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me… Go on now go, walk out the door… just turn around now, 'Coz you're not welcome anymore… Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye? Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no not I, I will survive… For as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live, and I've got all my love to give I'll survive I will survive…. Hey hey…"
By this time Legolas had given in to the drunkenness that ran like a crazed alien robot dog through his veins, and had joined the song, doing little back-up 'ooooo's, and harmonizing as best he could with his tone-deaf friend. Luckily, as an Elf, Legolas could sing quite well; because of this the audience's ears were not bleeding from Aragon's singing. Barely. They tried to drown each other out as the song ran on. By now Auggie, Hez, Lizzie, Endril, Mufasa, and Pippin were dancing wildly, not noticing when Aragorn and Legolas crashed into each other, though they continued to sing from the ground.
Legolas at once made a lunge for the microphone, beating Aragorn off. Aragorn pouted.
"My turn!" Legolas yelled happily. There was applause from the majority of the audience, and catcalls from August. The Elf continued. "This song is dedicated to all you wonderful ladies who've made my life a living hell. I love you all."
"Wanker." Hez muttered.
"Yesterday…all my troubles seemed so far away…Now it looks as though they're here to stay, oh I believe in yesterday….Suddenly…I'm not half the man I used to be…There's a shadow hanging over me, Oh yesterday came suddenly… why she-Gah!!!"
Aragorn had unceremoniously shoved him aside.
"That…was uncalled for." The Elf grumbled. Hez was snickering madly. "Shut UP!!"
"Heehee…make me."
And Mortal Kombat music started playing.
"Let's get rready to rruumble!" Lizzie shouted. By now there was no sun to distract Legolas from his target. Unfortunately there was moonlight, which was worse. The moon's silvery light shone on Legolas' bow; his eyes widened.
"Pretty…shiney…sparkley." He said, stroking the bow as if it were a pet. "Bow…" Hez seemed to enjoy seeing his nemesis gone completely insane.
"Is this gonna happen every time the start to fight?" Endril asked Auggie, though they were enjoying the way the moon shone on Legolas' hair and brought out the color of his eyes.
"Maybe we should take away their weapons," August said, glancing a little worriedly at the sword Hez wielded. "We don't want Lego-kun to get hurt too badly."
"Hey!" said Hez.
"Sorry Hezzie," Endril said. Mufasa stealthily appropriated Hez's sword, blaster, office chair, and scores of mock-up lightsabers.
Hey, break those and die." The Limey Sith said to the hobbit girl. "I have to make a living somehow, you know."
August and Endril, meanwhile, were attempting to take Legolas' bow from him. The operative word being attempt.
"Maybe if we created some sort of illusion of the bow, he would go for that." Endril pondered.
"Stupid bow." August grumbled, rubbing her head. Legolas had repeatedly hit her with it.
"If you're so magical, why don't you use some Clow cards and shit?" Lizzie asked patronizingly. August's eyes lit up as she thought up another crossover reference. She held the pendant of her necklace in the palm of her hand.
"Key that holds the power of darkness, reveal unto me your true form! By the covenant I, August, command you! Release!"
Nothing happened.
"Oh, screw it." August said bitterly. She snapped, and Legolas' bow was replaced by a live Chocobo.
"I've…done it…." She said, breathlessly. "I've become a summoner…" the Chocobo leapt away from Legolas, who was very, very confused, and ran off into the distance.
"Now Hez." Said Endril. "Try not to damage Legolas' face, okay?"
"I've had just about enough of you and your damn girly elf boy, okay?" Hez said angrily. He was cut off as an enraged Legolas punched him in the stomach.
"I am NOT girly."
Hez's fragile state of mind chose that moment to shatter into millions of tiny Hez brain pieces. With a cry like that of a dying toucan, he leapt at Legolas and began pummeling him mercilessly. Aragorn attempted to intervene but got hit in the face with a spray of blood. Legolas was halfheartedly trying to throttle his assailant.
"This seems familiar…" said August as she watched in horror.
"Oh, what's it from? Dammit, I know this…" Endril muttered. Lizzie snapped her fingers.
"Narrator vs. Angel Face, Fight Club." She said matter-of factly. The others who had seen said film nodded in agreement, then turned their attention back to the slaughter.
"Oh, this is just sick." Said Mufasa in disgust. "This needs to stop." Satchmo clicked in irritation.
"Sorry, Hez, but this is an intervention." Said Endril calmly as she pulled an air rifle out of thin air and shot Hez in the back. The fighting abruptly stopped. But only for a minute.
"OW! You shot me!" Hez roared.
"I'll KILL him!!" yelled Legolas as August and Pippin attempted to hold the Elf back.
Lizzie, meanwhile, was trying to calm Hez down. And failing miserably.
"Look, maybe you should just go back to your home dimension, Hez." She said. "I mean, I don't know you or anything, but you could get some rest, get away from us crazy American chicks, kill some Jedi maybe.."
"Kill….." said Hez, deranged. "Must destroy Jedi. Have to remember the mission."
"There's a good boy."
"I need a vacation." Hez sighed. "You birds are too psychotic for me." He then drew out a lightsaber hidden somewhere on his person, cut a hole in the fabric of space-time, and jumped through it before the Crossover police could be called.
"See you on AIM!" Endril and August chorused. Hez replied with something that sounded like the word 'yogurt', only horribly mispronounced. And then he was gone.
"Are you alright, Lego-kun?"
"Nnnghh…No."
"Why the hell did Hez do that, anyway?" Endril asked while looking for Band-aids
"I guess he just has some issues to work out." Said August. "Pass the gauze."
"Yes, but did he have to work them out on me? I think I lost a tooth!" the Elf was distraught. He let the girls work on him as Aragorn continued to lay on the ground, twitching slightly and completely wasted. Legolas stared imploringly at Endril and August as they lovingly plastered him with Star Wars band-aids.
"Am I still beautiful?" he asked them, with a slight lisp so that Endril had to turn away to stop from laughing. August strangely keeping her composure answered promptly:
"Beyond words. Am I?" Legolas stared at her strangely, especially as Endril managed to choke out another 'beyond words' to finish the quote.
"Thank you, End." Said August, laughing. "But still. Do you think I'm pretty, Elf Boy?"
"Er…" it didn't take superior Elven reasoning to realize that Legolas was treading on dangerous ground.
"Well?"
"Ah, uhm…well, by Elven standards, um…."
"Okay, we're not grading on a curve here, man. Answer!"
While this potentially deadly conversation was taking place, Endril had noticed that Aragorn was sitting off away from the group, staring bitterly at the ground.
"What's wrong, dearest?" she asked him tentatively.
"You LIED to me!!" Aragorn yelled.
"Wha?"
"You're not Arwen! You lied!" Endril was having one of those 'oh, shit' moments. Gathering herself together quickly, she bent down beside him.
"Now, now, dear Aragorn. I was just trying to cheer you up! I mean, Arwen's not here, is she? She's never here. You only get to see her how often? And even then, only with Elrond standing over you. You said yourself that nothing you did was good enough for him!"
"You still lied to me," Aragorn said, but he sounded a little less sure of himself. "Once," Aragorn said, glancing up at her briefly to see if she was listening, then averting his eyes, "Once Elrond locked me in a closet." Seeing no appropriate answer to this Endril tactfully remained silent. "I was trying to learn archery, and Elrond was overseeing my lesson. Glorfindel was my teacher, and he was always patient with me. After all, I am a human among Elves."
"Did Glorfindel look like Jude Law?" Endril asked hopefully. Aragorn glared at her. "Okay, okay!" she cried, holding up her hands in surrender. "Please go on with your super-angsty story." She tried to look sincere, but was too busy with images of Jude Law invading her mind.
"Anyway, it was the first time I had ever held a bow, and it was too big for me. I didn't have Elven eyesight, and Elrond got fed up with me. Locked me in a closet, telling me I could only come out once I had eyes like an Elf. I was six years old."
"Tell me I'm pretty, motherfucker!! Tell me I'm pretty!!" Pippin was trying to prevent August from murdering the injured Elf.
"Need…to heal…need…aethelas…."
"Answer me, dammit!!"
"And girls." Aragorn said with a sniff. "How Elrond reacted to girls." He turned to Endril. "And there are hella hot girls in Rivendell, trust me. But he wouldn't let me near one, much less talk to one. When I was sixteen, I snuck out of my room because I'd been shut up in there for a week. Elrond found me talking to a pretty girl by the name of Gwithiriel. We weren't doing anything! We had become friends, actually. But no! Elrond locked me in the closet."
Endril made a sympathetic noise and handed him another glass of the green drink.
"Here, Aragorn. You're gonna need this."
He downed the drink almost without a second thought, and swallowed bitterly.
"Did anyone even ask me if I wanted to be king? No. It's all destiny and this damn pushing for success…and they never…never asked me…what I wanted. It's not FAIR!!" by this point, Aragorn was in tears.
"Eat the damn chicken! It is good for you!" Meanwhile, Pippin and Lizzie were standing intently over a grill, and August was attempting to force-feed Legolas barbecue.
"The twins called me the cooler king," Aragorn said bitterly.
"The cooler King?" Endril asked. "As in you were cool? Awesome? A hip cat?"
"No, as in I was always locked up in the closet. I hated that closet! And I hated Elrond!" he shouted, taking another gulp of his beverage. It seemed to be making the situation worse. "King, fine, I could deal with that, even if I really didn't want to. But a king of TWO kingdoms? Was giving up my entire life to save the world good enough? Was never getting to go on a date? Never have a wife or kids? Face dangers untold and hardships unnumbered? Was living a life of danger and loneliness good enough for them? NO!! Why do you hate me, Elrond? Why? WHY?!"
"Umm, you okay, Aragorn?" Endril asked, backing away slightly. The Ranger was now talking to the clouds. Or so it seemed.
"I wish the goblins would come and take you away, you bastard!! You ruined my life, Elrond! You Ruined My LIFE!!!"
There was silence. A long, awkward silence that sat around and whistled while the crickets chirped quietly.
"I never had a girlfriend, either…"
"Would you just shut the hell up?!" Lizzie yelled. "We're sick of your goddamn sob story! Just Shut UP!"
Aragorn looked hurt.
"YOU shut up, Liz." Said Endril angrily, boxing Lizzie's ears.
"Yeah, I reshent that." Legolas slurred. "Quit pickin on him! He's ma brother!!"
"Aww, you're so sweeeet!!" exclaimed August, starry-eyed. She then grabbed a comb and a bunch of little rubber bands from her pack. "I'm gonna braid your hair!"
"Okay!"
Endril would have been annoyed at this, but she was too busy comforting Aragorn.
"You should stand up to him, Aragorn," Endril said.
"I can't." he replied. "He might lock me in the closet." Aragorn shivered at the thought, and Endril nodded sympathetically. At that moment, Lizzie finished digging through August's backpack, and triumphantly held up a magic eight ball.
"Huzzah!" she cried. "Hey, Lego, look at this!" she rolled the ball over to Legolas, where it remained spinning at his feet. Legolas then proceeded to scream bloody murder.
"It's ALIVE! Save me!" he screamed shrilly as Auggie watched him with interest. (*wink, wink*) Lizzie, not to be cruel or anything, but form a pure scientific curiosity, pushed it with her foot, sending it rolling after Legolas. He screamed again. hearing the commotion, Aragorn looked up from his bitter moment, to see his friend running in circles. Endril squinted in the darkness.
"Is that a magic eight ball?" she asked incredulously. Aragorn jumped to his feet, his tears forgotten. Drawing his beloved Anduril from the scabbard at his side, he pounced after the black ball.
"Fear not, Legolas, I'll save you!" he cried. "Back, demon, back!" he shouted at the object. Auggie giggled despite herself. After a few short minutes of not getting too close, Aragorn brought the sword down upon it.
"Hey!" August shouted as she watched the weird blue ink spray all over, including all over Aragorn. Legolas screamed again.
"Somebody save him! He'll be poisoned! It's attacking him!"
Aragorn stood for a few moments, dripping with blue ink. Fasa picked up the little die with messages on it and examined it. It read: 'ask again later, you trash' Aragorn quietly began to cry. And as Lizzie jumped into her beloved helicopter and flew away, Pippin began devouring the last of the food.
"You broke my eight-ball, bastard!" August yelled at Aragorn, who only cried more.
"You, my friends…." Said Legolas rather unsteadily. "Are magically delicious." And then he fainted.
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A/N: Ha! It is done! Apologies to Lizzie, Hez, and Elrond for character butchery. And before you go review. (and I know you will), here's a little song me and Endril made up. It is the Ranger Viggo theme song. Enjoy.
-dundundundun-
Raanger Viggooooooo!
Raanger Viggooooooo!
Living in the woods and eating squirrels!
Raanger Viggooooooo!
Raanger Viggooooooo!
Helping out hikers and getting chased by girls!
Raanger Viggooooooo!
Raanger Viggooooooo!
Hoooom.
Was that not super-retarded? Oh, yeah. Now go review, please!