WFA! LOTR-style
Chapter 4:
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue. Now that ch. 3 is finally up, you can enjoy the full madness of the story in spiffy chronological order. Woohoo.
Summary: I'm sick of Lego always being a damn sensitive little prissy boy in all those romance fics. You know, he's always standing around wondering at these feelings he's having (usually for Aragorn) and it gets boring. Very boring. So, this chapter is a screaming parody of Mary-Sues, as well as sappy Legolas romance in general. References include: Fight Club, Galadriel's creepy internal battle, the GAP, medieval siege warfare, Sinfest (sort of) and SNATCH!!! Woo! Love that movie!!! Oh, and this also is a mix between movieverse and bookverse, okay? Now read and review. A hint of slash. The rating went up on this one, I had to do it.
In the aftermath of the party, August was attempting to get over her hangover. This was difficult because, as the token heroine of the story, she apparently could drink like a fish and party with the best of them, but spontaneously became weak and helpless at certain intervals. This was most likely because her real life counterpart was not of legal drinking age, but liked to pretend she was to be funny. August then began to realize she was the token heroine of the story. This was bad.
"Oh, shit." She muttered into the darkness. It was night, for reasons unknown.
"Are you alright?" asked a soft voice. August had forgotten Legolas was on watch. The Elf sat down next to her.
"Oh, I'm fine…" said August in a distracted manner. She had a feeling something was very wrong. The feeling then turned to nausea. "Oh, I'm gonna go throw up in the bushes beside the conveniently located lake, Lego-kun."
"Are you ill?" he asked, stating the obvious, for that is what he did. Legolas' fair Elvish face was frowning in concern. And other complex emotions he apparently didn't have the brainpower to understand.
"I'll be fine. I'm not bulimic, really…" August then staggered off to void her stomach of liquor.
Legolas sat for a while, watching the fire. Because he had nothing better to do. He never seemed to have anything better to do, these days. And he was slowly falling in love with August, despite all efforts to avoid it. He didn't like this one bit. And then his l337 Elf senses told him something was amiss.
August, having finished her vomiting, was washing her face in the conveniently located lake. She therefore didn't notice the orcs who attacked her.
"The hell?" she mumbled, as the random band of evildoers leapt out of the bushes. With thought processes that enabled her to survive AP Latin 5, August quickly surmised that she was being attacked because she was, indeed, turning into a tragically perfect girl who was freakishly brave, but spontaneously helpless right now.
"Dammit!" August yelled as the pulled out her crossbow and started firing. "I don't want to be a fuckin Mary Sue!" the orcs hadn't bothered her so much as the fact that she was shortly about to be either captured or grievously injured. And so she fought all the harder.
Legolas ran through the trees in a cheesy sequence that showcased how incredibly hot he was. He had to save the random, average traveler from another world who he now, for some reason, thought of as his beloved. He was, of course, going to be too late.
August was doing a fair job of killing orcs, to her suspicion. She shouldn't logically be able to hold her own against that many. She dispatched another one. And then Legolas, true to form, burst into the clearing, shouting her name. August of course turned, giving the orc nearest to her an opportunity to stab her in the shoulder. Instead of fainting right then and there, or bravely fighting on, August stood there for a moment and screamed bloody murder.
"FUCK! This fucking hurts! What the hell did you have to do that for, you fucking cunt?!!" August addressed this fun volatile statement to the orc, but it didn't reply. Probably because Legolas had just shot it in the head. August continued screaming. And then, when she saw the blood spreading, she screamed some more. August had rage issues.
"Are you alright?" Asked Legolas, once again concerned. The phrase 'are you alright', coupled with concern, had somehow wormed its way into his thought patterns, and was beginning to be his trademark.
"Does it look like I'm alright, you fucker? I just got stabbed by a fucking orc, which hurts a whole damn lot, let me tell you, and you ask me if I'm alright?"
"Well, I'm a concerned, sensitive guy, who's absolutely perfect but completely unattainable. Except for you." Legolas was confused at what he'd just said.
"That's the worst pick up line I've ever heard, you bastard. Stay away from me." Legolas had, at the time, been attempting to examine the wound. It seemed perfectly natural (in a bizarre way) that he should be looking after the injuries of the girl he (for no apparent reason) loved. He was therefore a bit shocked at August's anger towards him.
"But… you're injured…I need to nurse you back to health…."
"The hell you do, Elf boy. I heal fast, for some reason." August was getting worried. Her hair was starting to change colors sporadically, and her eyes were now emerald green. They should have been brown.
"But I care about you, August." Legolas looked all the more concerned because something very unnatural was going on in his heart, and he wanted no part of it. The cheesy words just came, with no end.
"Okay, listen man. I like you and everything, but it's not gonna happen." Said August in an attempt to maintain control of her mind. "Yeah, you're hot and you're a kickass fighter and everything, and I'm flattered, really, but neither of us are in our right minds right now, and I don't want it to be like this. When I fall in love with someone, it needs to be for real. This is not reality." She then cleaned the wound in the clear water of the conveniently located lake, dug some Neosporin out of her pocket and applied it to her shoulder.
"Are you sure this isn't reality?" Asked Legolas against his will. "I love you, you know…"
"Shut up right there. Not another fucking word, you hear me? For the love of the Goddess, man, fight it!"
To August's great puzzlement, Legolas began to literally fight himself. This was odd.
"You're not seeing yourself as Brad Pitt right now, are you?" she asked.
The one-man scuffle went on for a while, during which everyone else woke up and staggered over. Eventually Legolas stopped, stood up, and wiped the blood from his mouth.
"What the hell was that?" Endril asked.
"I pass the test." Legolas said gleefully. I'm not in love with August anymore, and I shall remain myself. Hoo, yeah."
August sneezed in reply. She sneezed out little sparkly butterflies that flew over to Endril and vanished in a puff of pink, mass produced smoke sold at the GAP for $20 a bottle. Endril's dirty blonde hair then turned midnight black, and her eyes glowed like the stars.
"Dammit, August, you gave me Mary Sue disease!" Endril yelled. Aragorn gave her a disturbed-yet-attracted look.
"I didn't know I had it till it was too late, End." August replied. "Sorry."
"Whit's goin on, then?" Pippin asked. He was out of it, from all the alcohol he'd had.
"It seems that the fangirl army somehow developed a contagious strain of Mary Sue virus, and August was infected." Mufasa explained. "The disease appears to be short lived, but is very dangerous to the emotions of all involved, as we saw with Legolas."
"What do you mean, 'as we saw'?!" August yelled. "You weren't even there when it happened. I was, and it was fucking weird."
"Oh, you're one to talk." said Legolas, sulking. "You didn't have to fall in love with a crazy person."
"AS I was SAYING." Mufasa continued in her angry scientist voice. "Endril is now infected. We must develop an antidote or else-"
"Or else nothin." August stated. "If those bitches are using germ warfare on us, I'm gonna give them a taste of their own medicine. Old school."
"Whit dae ya mean by 'old school'?" Pippin asked.
More importantly, shouldn't we kill the rest of those orcs that mysteriously vanished?" asked Aragorn.
"Siege tactics." Said August, ignoring him and wearing her trademark evil crazy grin. She went back to the camp and pulled a shovel and a bone saw out of her pack, gesturing for the others to follow her. "Let's go find us a nice ripe horse carcass." She cackled as they walked off into the distance.
***
August was in the lead. This annoyed Aragorn, who was used to being in charge, but he was too infatuated with Endril to care. She was calling herself Morwen now.
Meanwhile, there was dissent in the ranks up at the head of the line.
"August, are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Legolas.
"Yes. And stop staring at my ass."
"But-I…wasn't…"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Keep moving." August began to walk faster, having found a stream up ahead which looked promising.
Damn. The Elf thought to himself. She noticed.
On some level, Legolas knew that whatever feelings he was having towards August were due to whatever illness she'd contracted. He wasn't exactly over the moon about the girl, but there was something. He kept telling himself it was just the remnants of the virus. However, there was a deeper, irrational level on which a distinctly male voice was saying rather insitently, "Damn. Gotta get me some o' that."
Trying to clear these thoughts from his mind, Legolas looked towards the stream. There was some sort of mass beside it, which looked like a body. This was why August was heading towards it. On further inspection, Legolas noticed something unsettling. The body was that of a human. One that looked disturbingly familiar. Legolas muttered something very vile in his native tongue which will not be repeated here, and took off running towards the stream.
"What the hell was that all about?" Endril asked.
"Jeezus, does he always have to go running off at breakneck speed?" August grumbled. "Damn Elves."
Endril chose to ignore this on the grounds that her asthma was starting to act up.
Once they had covered a fair amount of distance, they found Legolas standing there, not moving, looking at the body like it was going to jump up and attack him.
"How the hell did he get here?" asked Aragorn
"Providence?" Mufasa offered. She and Pippin giggled in an adorable hobbit way.
"Well, we'll put him to good use poisoning the enemy." Said August matter-of-factly.
"Good god, no! we have to give the man a decent burial!" Aragorn looked upset.
"Fine then, you do it." Said August, tossing the shovel at him.
Everyone stood around looking vaguely bored and disturbed as Aragorn started to dig.
"Oi, Elf-boy. C'mere." August hissed.
"What?" Legolas asked as he walked over.
"Word on the street is that you're sweet one me." She said, grinning at him. "Well, not actually word on the street. I used me magical Mary-Sue telepathy to look into your mind."
"That's just the Mary-sue whatever thing you've got. My feelings towards you are completely pla-"
"Getting defensive, are we?" August smiled again. "Chill. I wanna be friends."
"Okay…" he replied, not knowing where this conversation was headed.
But see, you've got a thing for me, I've got a thing for you, so we should act on it."
"Ah, but I fear the emotional distraction of a relationship would hinder the mission." Legolas said wisely. He was proud of his willpower on that last statement.
"Hell, who's talking about a relationship? We can just be friends who flirt with each other and have casual sex."
Legolas felt that he had somehow lost a battle of wits, and eh was not sure how. But then he did a little happy dance inside his head.
"oh, well in that case, sure. I thought you'd get all attached and clingy and stuff."
"Hell, life's too short for long-term relationships." Said August, delivering her sage but misguided advice.
"My sentiments exactly." The Elf replied.
"So, wanna go fuck?" August smiled coyly at him.
"Ah, not right now. I gotta go pay my last respects." Legolas replied, kissing her quickly. "Later." With that, he walked back over to the grave, which was starting to really look deep. Aragorn looked more rugged and dirty than ever, and he had taken his shirt off. Mufasa was staring at him shamelessly.
"Um, August?" Endril asked.
"Yeah?"
"Did you just do what I think you just did?" Endril looked a bit miffed.
"Dude, not my fault Lego's such a slut. It's not like we're getting married or anything. And hey, at least you've got Aragorn. And the Mary-Sue virus. Your hair's blue now, by the way." Said August.
"Yeah, I know." She sighed. "I hope no more orcs show up. They bug me."
Just then, there was a shout (Aragorn) a thus as someone fainted (Legolas) and a bloodcurdling scream. (Pippin or Fasa)
"What the hell is going on?" August asked. The supposedly dead body moved, coughed up some water, and sat up.
"I live!" the body cried. "Praise the Valar! What is your name, o glorious maiden?" The body was kneeling in fornt of August and holding her hands.
"GAH! ZOMBIE GERMS!!!!" August shrieked, although she was really more disturbed by the fact that the body was hitting on her within such a short amount of time after awakening. August then kicked the body, although ti was wearing chainmail, so there was no real damage. The body looked a bit sad.
"This is not happening." Legolas stated, quickly coming round. "You should be dead."
"You should have drowned, with all that armor." Fasa pointed out.
"But I live! Are you not glad?" the body asked.
"Boromir, you were shot twenty times." Aragorn said in a level voice.
"A mere flash wound!"
"I personally pushed you over a goddamn waterfall!" the Ranger shouted. "You should be dead!"
"Well, I'm not." Boromir pouted. "And I want my wrist things back."
"What, the ones with the white tree?" Aragorn gestured to said wrist things, which he was wearing. "Hell no. These are mine."
"I was given them by my father!" Boromir shouted.
"Technically, I own them, your shield, weapons, and your whole damn city, so shut your ass up and start being dead." Aragorn was pissed. That was putting it very mildly.
"You alright, Aragorn?" Fasa asked. The Ranger glared at her.
"Ee's just 'avin a bad day. Evening. Thing." Pippin said gently. "Ah wonder where Merry is."
Aragorn was now once again leaning against a tree and looking sad. Endril hugged him. There was a pause. A really boring pause.
"So…"Boromir began. "How's everyone been?"
"Jeez, where's Bullet Tooth Tony when you need him?" August muttered.
"Huh?" Boromir was confused, poor sad undead guy. "Anyway, I've really missed you, Legolas." Boromir gave the Elf a meaningful look.
"NO. WAY. Keep yer hands to yourself, steward. Lego is mine, you hear me? Miiine." August said this in a deranged voice from her perch on Legolas' back.
"Now see, woman, this is what I was talking about!" Legolas yelled. "You're getting clingy. Now I will whore myself out to whoever my flavor of the week is, and there's nothing you can do bout it."
"But it's Boromir!" August pleaded. Legolas considered this.
"Well, yeah. Zombies are all icky. No zombie-loving for me. Sorry, buddy." Said Legolas, punching Boromir lightly in the arm. But the steward seemed to have something wrong in his head, so he cried. Cried like Frodo. But then he noticed Pippin was alive.
"Pippin! You're alive!" he yelled wisely. Pip rolled his eyes.
"Likewise, Boromir. So, how've you been?"
"Well, I got shot full of orc arrows and pushed over a waterfall, which somehow took me to this tiny stream in the middle of-where am I, anyway?"
"Rohan." Said Endril, annoyed.
"Right! Rohan. So I'm here, and I'm miraculously unharmed-"
"Not mentally." August muttered, still sitting on Legolas' shoulders.
"And someone stole my wrist things without asking!" Boromir glared at Aragorn.
"I'm not going to dignify that with a response." Said Aragorn.
"You just did." Fasa pointed out.
"And anyway, you're the one who tried to steal the Ring, remember? It's not my fault I'm a better thief than you."
"But it's the principle of the thing, man! You jacked a dead man for his arm things!!"
"You weren't DEAD!" Aragorn bellowed.
"I bet you went through my pockets, too." Boromir was again pouting.
"Want some lembas?" Legolas offered. Various household objects including a colander, a vegetable brush, and a toaster were promptly thrown at him. August caught the colander and wore it as a hat.
****************
Author's note: Thanks once again to each and every one of you who reviewed, I'm glad you like my story. Shout outs go out to: MowMow for amusing me with that bit about the jelly monster; Torturedwriter for her explanation of Pippin and mention of George Clooney (and just rocking in general); LizzieMu for being who she is; Betsy for the idea that the Ent-draughts were drugged; Hallie for the different time zone theory (which is what I was thinking) and Cath Sith more mentioning the Tyler Durden dialogue. That's hilarious! And the reason we were going to Poland was because we were attempting to get there at the time of the Warsaw ghetto uprising to kill some Nazis. But we got lost.
And, since the Elves have notoriously bad postal service, I'm gonna post the recipe for Mirkwood Special Variety Lembas, for all of you to share and enjoy. And please don't sue me if they kill you.
'Mirkwood Special Variety' Lembas
You will need:
A recipe for oatmeal cookies, and all the ingredients it asks for. (Ginger snaps will also work.)
A lot of Pixy stix.
Access to drugs and/or sugar.(not that I advocate drug use, mind you. I advise you use the sugar.)
Step 1: find a decent cookie recipe, and make dough. Add slightly more vanilla than is generally considered "safe".
Step 2: contact you favorite Elf or drug dealer, and have a dime bag of the usual express delivered. Or, if drugs are not available, use sugar. Lots of it.
Step 3: finish making the dough. Place the cookies on cookie sheet of you preference. Dump Pixy Stix over the cookies.
Step 4: bake as directed, eat while reading fanfics. At your own risk.
Note: since "safety" is relative, as are drugs and amounts of sugar, the cookies may be very good, or very, very bad.