WFA! LOTR-style

Chapter five:

Crossover-tastic!

Disclaimer: If you've gotten this far, you should be aware that I do not own LOTR. I don't even own my friends. Just borrowing them for a bit of out-of-character fun. I do not own Man of La Mancha, Bounty (which is a hella cool movie, go watch it), Matt Damon in any form, Final Fantasy X, Snatch, Jhonen Vasquez, Anthem, Mojo Jojo, Samurai Jack, Edgar Allan Poe, or Labyrinth. Also, I most unfortunately do not own Fushigi Yuugi or any characters therein. I spontaneously invented the RSPCB, but I do not want to be associated with it, because I hate Boromir so very much. And, since Glorfindel was left out of the movies, (never, ever watch the animated one, children.) his characterization as such is completely mine. Ehehehehehehe. My own little Elf slave. Bwhaha. *ahem* yes, go and read the story. Ignore my obsessive ranting in the middle of a disclaimer.

Social commentaries featured herein (summary): Authors getting psychotic and altering the plot, the way people always think up new and interesting ways to kill Boromir, the incredible coolness of the Mirkwood Elves, how much technology is in Middle-Earth, possible reasons Glorfindel was left out of the movies, how poison would work on immortal Elf physiology, why crossovers go bad, blatant neglect of canon characters, why obsession over characters makes your schoolwork suffer, an example of how bad procrastinating can really get, what happens when Self-insertions go too far, and, above all, the Evils of LATIN. On with the fic!!

They went back to the camp. This was a surprisingly difficult process, as Aragorn wanted to be the leader, but Boromir wanted to be the leader instead. August took advantage of this and went to the head of the line. She still wore the colander on her head, and didn't really seem to notice how silly it looked.

            "Uhm….August?" Pippin asked.

            "Hey, I'm pullin a Don Quixote here, Pip." August grinned. " I feel like kickin the crap outta some windmills."

At this, Pippin quietly slunked back to Mufasa.

            "She's scary." Pippin mumbled. Fasa nodded knowingly.

            "Yeah, she really is. But she draws really well, so we don't have the heart to kick her out."

            "That, and I have executive control over the plot, you know. August said, suddenly appearing next to Mufasa and smiling. "Are we attempting insubordination? Eh? ARE WE?" August once again had a manic gleam in her eyes, causing her to resemble Anthony Hopkins in a girly sense.

            "Oi! Mr. Christian, I want these mutineers drawn and quartered!" This last statement was directed at Legolas, who was most definitely not Mel Gibson. He sighed.

            "Jeez, she needs help." Endril muttered. Legolas nodded.

            "I should call somebody in to take care of it." He said darkly.

            "What are you, some kind of Mafia Elf?" Endril asked suspiciously. Aragorn and Bormir were currently involved in a vicious round of fisticuffs. It seemed Boromir was learning the true meaning of having one's face broken.

            "Well, why do you think we Mirkwood Elves do such a great trade in wine, and have dungeons and bad attitudes, and are generally the richest bastards out of all the Eldar? You don't get ahead in life by sitting on your ass and eating Lembas all day, let me tell you."

            "Umm…"

            "In fact, I was selected for this mission in the first place to ensure that none of the 'Fellowship' use the Ring for their own devices. I'll be getting rid of Boromir sometime within the week, since the Uruk-Hai didn't seems to do a proper job of it…I swear, of you want something done right, you have to do it yourself."

            "Er, really?"     

"Well, if Aragorn doesn't kill the poor bastard before then. Seems quite likely, the way that fight's going."

            "But what about Frodo? I mean, he's got the Ring now…" Endril was interested in this.

            "I've placed an explosive device on the Hobbit, which I can activate at a moment's notice."

            "Do Elves even have that kind of technology?"

            "Of course. Why the hell else would everyone want the damn palantirs? Though those older models are much too heavy." Saying this, he took a marble-sized orb from a hidden pocket and began saying things in Quenya at it. Seeing as how Endril wasn't a real Elf at all, she couldn't understand a word Legolas was saying. Aragorn, who had studied some of the ancient language, could decipher this:

            "Glory, come-------Rohan, yes.--------------there is a situation----------quickly.-------No, not dangerous-----------confused-----girl--------------yes, yes---------quickly----------goodbye."

            "You and your damned Gerundives." Aragorn growled at Legolas. "You know I can't understand Gerundives."

            "At least I wasn't reciting poetry." The Elf said shortly. "At any rate, I've called in a favor to deal with August, since she seems a bit…off. I suspect it's the last stages of the Mary-Sure Virus."

            "Oh, gods, I'm going to die!!" Endril wailed.

            "Well, not necessarily." said Aragorn. "Any pathogen used on humans would have a different effect on Elf physiology."

            "And you have to take into consideration the fact that the people who developed the virus aren't the brightest of folk. They'd just make the virus stronger if they wanted to harm an Elf. I wouldn't worry."

They stood for a moment, watching August fight off a Random Orc™, which had attacked her. Aragorn was beginning to feel sorry for the orc.

            "How soon is this 'favor' you've called in going to arrive?" Aragorn asked.

            "Oh, don't worry, he's a specialist at this sort of thing. Best there is, in fact. It's a shame they always cut him out of the films."

            "Who?" Endril began, but stopped once a rider on a white horse rode up.

            "Sweet Mother of God." said August, pausing in her psychotic ramblings to ogle the newcomer. The new Elf dismounted (properly) and said a few words to the horse.

            "It's alright, Asfaloth, go graze for a little bit. I won't let the scary Liv Tyler lady steal you." He then turned to Legolas. "So, what seems to be the problem, Lego?" he grinned.

            Those Fellowship members present frowned. Boromir turned a little green, though it might have been the blood loss and not jealousy at all. Anyway, the guys were all extremely perturbed at the fact that this newcomer was much, much better looking than they were.

            "That, Glorfindel," said Legolas bitterly as he pointed at August. "is the problem."

August was in full-blown shock. Glorfindel turned to her and introduced himself slowly, as one would speak to a small child.

            "Endril…"August said, on the verge of collapse. "It's J-Jude Law. JUDE LAW!!" Endril could not reply as she was drooling far too much than was healthy.

            So, August, how are you feeling?" Glorfindel asked. "Have a nasty virus, do we?"

            "Love me." Said August quietly as she clung to his chest.

            "Okay, I'm beginning to see why you called me in, Legolas. This is a problem."

            "Oh, just deal with it, you smug pretty bastard." Legolas muttered. "Damn Glorfindel. Always looking better than I do. Argh."

            "When will you people realize that looks aren't everything?" Glorfindel asked, a bit annoyed. "I mean, I get cut out of both films and have to deal with rampant Mary-Sues for a bloody living! Count yourself lucky." He sighed. "August, please stop trying to eat my face."

            "Gghaaahh….I must have you."

Glorfindel was now getting much more than he bargained for, as Endril had attached herself to his leg like a toddler. This made it difficult to walk.  When another person randomly popped out of nowhere, however, Glorfindel made a quick exit for reasons unknown. The rest of the party stopped, and stared. And blinked. This was because there was a person standing there, that is in the camp area, who wasn't in said area before. In fact, it seemed very unlikely that he had ever been in Middle Earth before. He looked a bit confused.

"What the hell is Matt Damon doing here?" August asked angrily.

"Who's Matt Damon?" Matt Damon replied. Or the person who just looked astoundingly like him.

"Is he…in character?" Endril looked stunned. The guys were a bit confused, but they were dealing with it. Aragorn had dealt with it by taking Boromir's shield and knocking him unconscious.

"What. Is. Your. Name." said August, whose hands were beginning to crackle with electricity.

"Tom. I'm Tom ripley." Matt said rather hesitantly. "Is a Mr. Greenleaf around?"

It was now Legolas' turn to look stunned. But then August jumped in front of him, wand at the ready.

"I'll protect you from this bastard, Lego-sama." She muttered.

"No, I'll protect him!" yelled Aragorn, drawing Anduril.

"I can take care of myself!!!" Legolas yelled, drawing his daggers and looking quite tetchy.

"I…..don't mean to intrude…" said Tom. August glared at him.

"Get the hell out of here," she snarled. "you trash."

"What harm can he do?" asked Legolas, who was beginning to get annoyed with all this suspense. "He's kinda wormy-lookin. And pale."

"Well." said Endril. "First he'll come on to you like there's no tomorrow." Tom blushed.

"And then he'll steal your life, and murder you, and take your place. Because he is that kind of bastard." August finished her speech with a triumphant look on her face.

"Doesnae seem laike a very nice lad, does he?" said Pippin.

"Now, if you'll just let me explain myself-" Tom began. He was wondering how he'd be able to off all these people who now knew about his secret before the crossover police showed up.

"You will leave Legolas alone," said August. "You are after him, which is bad for you. But Lego can take care of himself. Unfortunately, you cannot."

"What are you talking about?" Tom asked.

"You killed Jude Law!!!" August yelled. "You murdered the most beautiful man alive!" Legolas looked miffed at this.

"Um…" was Tom's reply.

"You want some head trauma? Huh?" August was getting that look in her eyes again. The one that scared her friends and family. "I'll give you head trauma, you worthless little fuck!!"

From seemingly nowhere (actually just made possible through the laws of Anime) August pulled out Wakka's spiked blitzball from FFX and smashed it, point blank, into Tom Ripley's unlucky little head. She repeated this several times, until the poor bastard was quite dead, and it was doubtful whether he could even be identified by his dental records. The crossover police promptly arrived just minutes too late, picked up the body in a series of plastic baggies, apologized for the trouble, and took the blitzball back from whence it came.

"And that's why you never cross an Anglophile, motherfucker." said August as they carted the body away. "So, who's up for karaoke?"

Crickets chirped uneasily.

**************

And in another dimension of fanfiction reality…

The blitzball, now quite bloody, reappeared in Wakka's hands.

"Well, that was interesting, ya?" the red-haired Rasta/Hawaiian guy asked.

Auron snorted and looked bitter, grizzled, and generally undead. Yuna politely coughed up some blood and fainted.

"Damn, I'm cool." said Lulu.

***************

Meanwhile, back at the ranch:

"Gimme back my shield!"

"No!"

"Gimme!!!"

"Ah-ha! You can't catch me! Cause I'm a Ranger! And yooou suck!"

"No faiiiiir!" Boromir whined.

Legolas sighed. There was a set amount of OOC-ness he could handle, but this was ridiculous. This was getting infantile. So much so, in fact, that he decided to voice his opinions with the group.

"You two are infantile." He stated, pointing at Aragorn and Boromir, who were arguing with each other only achieved by six-year-olds over Pokémon cards. But before any more carnage could be done by Aragorn, (who was obviously going to win, whether the  Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Boromir had their way or no. hehe) another mysterious visitor appeared through a glaring plot hole and shot the son the Steward of Gondor in the head point blank with his trusty Desert Eagle. (point. Five-o ^_^) Boromir was now quite dead, and it looked as though everyone's problems were temporarily over. Satchmo, fawning over Bullet-Tooth Tony like there was no tomorrow, took a human form of obsessive Vinnie Jones fangirl and left through the plot hole with him. There was silence.

"That was…." Mufasa began

"Bullet-Tooth Tony, yes." said Endril.

"From Snatch." said August, who was a bit confused herself over what had just happened. "And Satch went with him."

"He killed Boromir." said Aragorn matter-of-factly. "And while yes, I do appreciate that, he was a member of the Fellowship, so we must sing him a requiem proper, and this time it won't be cut out of the movie.

"Right-o." August said cheerfully. "Only maybe you should just let Legolas sing, A-man. No offense."

"Man, we've had a lot of crossover action lately.." Mufasa pondered. "I'm glad that's over."

"Noo! You've jinxed it!" Endril was furious.

Before any songs could be sung or Hobbits beaten up, Suzaku no shichiseishi Hotohori suddenly appeared out of thin air. Holding a mirror.

"Howdy." He said in a very un-Hotohori manner, and proceeded to stare at his reflection. Legolas narrowed his fair Elven eyes.

            "August!" he yelled, also in a manner unlike his normal speaking manner behavior type stuff.

            "Ne?"

            "Why is this-this apparition trying to be prettier than I am?"

            "Excuse me, trying?" Hotohori said calmly. Mufasa glared at him.

            "Pretty or not, you're complicating the beautiful relationship between Tamahome and Mia-"

            "SPEAK NOT THE NAME!!!!!!!" August bellowed. "Now shut yer face before I break it. Quit pickin on the bishie, you hobbit girly Fas."

            "Am I the only one who's noticed the grammar in this chapter has been shot to hell?" Endril asked, since she happens to be the one who says sensible things. As it turns out, Aragorn had also noticed, but he was too busy being sad to say anything. Pippin was eating something, since that is a most effective way of occupying characters one doesn't need at the moment, no?

            "GET ON WITH IT!!!"

            "Where the hell is the fourth wall?!" Jhonen Vasquez' disembodied voice wailed in despair.

            "They cancelled your show, J-man!" August cried. "Those bastards will pay!"

Hotohori was still looking at his reflection.

            "I am the prettiest!" Legolas yelled. "This is my domain! Get out! I must be the prettiest at all times grr! Argh!" The normally calm elf went into a comical fit of narcissistic conniptions. (ooh, big words)

            "This parody thing really sucks, Auggie." Said Endril.

            "Stop being logical, dammit! You're an Elf, not a fucking Vulcan!!"

            "I am the prettiest! Bow down before me!" Legolas yelled, since it was very amusing for sleep-deprived people to force characters like Lego to act in ways they usually don't.

            "Ha! Since you challenge my beauty, I must destroy you or some other such close-minded Emperor sounding thing!" Hotohori said, a little unsure of the sentence structure.

            "Is this a plural occasion, no da?" chibi-Chichiri said, confused since he was never introduced as such in this chapter. Has he been there all along? Is this a part of some evil Chichiri plan? Or maybe is it Chichiri's evil twin, and not the real Chichiri at all? And why does he always get paired up with Tasuki in the fanfics? It makes no sense!

            "Heyyyy!" Hotohori whined. "I need more dialogue! Important, huffy action dialogue! And stop butchering my character!"

            "Argh. You people suck." said August, who went back to downloading Queen mp3s, even though they were light-years away in both space AND time from any satellite technology which would have made internet connection in Middle Earth impossible. But hey, I gotta check my email, after all. That, and see if I've gotten any new reviews. Because you know, when you guys don't review, it makes me sad. I'm a saaaad panda! Oh yes, I did indeed just say that. Argh! My typing skillz are waning! Nooo! Need…caffeine……argh….

            At this point August got slapped with a random blunt object, and so attempted to re-introduce the semblance of a plot.

            "Line?" Hotohori asked.

            "Umm, something using we, rather angrily, and directed at Legolas." August whispered from offstage. Wait, there's a stage?

            "We must destroy you! For WE, not you, are the prettiest, and the prettiest is us! We are the Emperor of Konan and we are the prettiest and-"

            "Okay, Hori-kun?" August asked, interrupting his rant.

            "Hai?"

            "Two things. You're sounding both like people from Anthem, the freakass Ayn Rand novel about the fucked up plural society, and like Mojo Jojo. At the same time. That's a lot of psycho, my friend."

            "Who said you could be our 'friend'?"

            "You're not getting it!!"

            "Would you both shut up? I need some action!" Legolas whined. Everyone laughed spitefully. "Okay, I didn't mean it like that, you nancies."

More laughter. This time at the fact that Legolas is attempting to use British insults.

            "Argh! L337 Elf-boy dagger attack!" said Legolas, who drew his daggers (shiny!) all fast and stuff, spun them around Obi-Wan style for dramatic effect, and then charged at Hotohori.

            "Um….REKKA SHIN'EN!!!!" Hotohori yelled, simply because August didn't know any other FY attack name thingies, or if there even were any. A bigass wave of flames leapt out of Hotohori's official-type Emperor sword and crispy-fried Legolas. But it was okay, since I should remind you all that Elves are IMMORTAL. Petty things like magical fire don't…um..harm…them…..I'll just shut up now.

            "Oi! Who the fuck stole my attack?!" Tasuki yelled, since he is always angry, silly Tasuki. And then a bunch of fangirls broke off from the main pack and jumped him. I will refuse to explain this term to Hez.

            "Hey, you know what's a really cool show?" Mufasa asked.

            "What?" Endril asked.

            "Samurai Jack!" she and August chorused.  They began singing the cool theme song to Samurai Jack, which is one of the most awesome theme songs ever. Really. And at this point, since I have a literary analysis due tomorrow which I haven't ….started….oh, shit.

            "August is a bad, bad procrastinating person." Legolas mumbed, attempting to put out the flames in his hair. "She should not be writing crap like this that doesn't give the canon characters enough attention when she has a paper due in, oh, sixteen hours!" August looked sheepish.

            "It's not my fault the teacher is evil and stupid." She pouted. "And I'm prolly gonna fail the damn Latin test, too. Are you happy now, Elf boy? Huh? This is what my obsession and adoration for you does to my academic career! Are you satisfied that you've ruined my life, you damned gorgeous Elf, you?"

            "That's taking it a bit far, don't you think?" Aragorn asked. "Besides, you cannot compare to my level of angst. Bwahaha."

            "You just did an evil laugh." Said Endril, incredulous. "An evil laugh! What the hell is wrong with you, man?"

            "Hey, I'm a victim here. It's the author's fault, you know."

            "Yeah…" said Legolas, glaring at August. She started edging away.

            "And I havenae said owt this entire taime!" Pippin yelled while eating a sandwich.

            "Um, August?" Mufasa asked.

            "Yeah?"

            "Isn't it a bad sign when the characters are about to lynch you in your own fic?"

August shrugged.

            "Well, yes. But this is what sleep deprivation and procrastinating get me. I honestly have to blame myself. I've been turned into a damn Mary-Sue by this point, and that is unforgivable. Wait, I need to be thinking about Edgar Allan fucking Poe! Not LOTR! ARGH! Tooo many distractions!!!!!

            There was a noticeable lull in the action. Because the author had taken a break, and just realized that while still a notable work of literature, the writing style had degraded into utter crap.

So, everyone stood around for a bit and twiddled their thumbs, mainly because with no one writing there was nothing going on. When August finally regained her senses and started thinking again, she was promptly knocked unconscious by Aragorn. Using his stealthy ranger tactics, he took over command of the story, and all was nearly right with the world.

            "Okay, you crossover Chinese people, go do something productive, and get out of the scene, okay? I've got Orcs to kill."

Hotohori frowned and, dragging Nuriko in through a plot hole, went to do inappropriate things in the conveniently located random forest nearby. Chichiri shrugged, and went back to his apartment to watch Labyrinth. Tasuki ended up destroying half the rabid fangirl army though the power of his rage. And his tessen, and super speed. But that's not the point. August eventually wrote the paper, and was very happy with the way it turned out. Though her brain was slightly damaged, since she was constantly being hit in the head with random objects.

"Yeah, that need to stop. My head hurts."

"Oh, go eat some Lembas."

"Shut up, Elf, or I'll call Hez back to kick your ass again." August grumbled.

"Hey, you never really resolved that." said Legolas brightly. "Did I ever heal my wounds, even?"

"Um…..how about you wear an eye patch for the next few chapters, okay?"

"An eye patch? I don't think so. Elves do not wear eye patches."

"That's true, you know." Endril pointed out. Mufasa was sticking up for August's cause.

"Come on, you'll look like a pirate! It'll be cool! ARRRRR!!!"

Legolas sighed in defeat.

            "Fine, if it'll get you to shut up." He wore the eye patch. And my, but he did look dashing. Of course.

*************

Author's note: Yay! Five chapters! This is officially the longest fic I've ever written! Woohoo! I've actually stuck with something! Hooray for me! And I think on this chapter, I achieved levels of utter retardation previously unknown to man. The signature word of this chapter was of course 'argh', I think because this one took me so long to write. But, since it was the first day of spring break, I decided to be nice to you all and finish this chapter. More fun adventures to come, don't you worry. Probably more fun guest stars, but I'm gonna try and stick to the canon from now on. Give under appreciated characters a moment in the spotlight and all that. Today's spotlighted character, you might have noticed, was Glorfindel: as portrayed by Jude Law in my happy little mind world. Heehee. ^_^ Jude Law and Hotohori. What more could a raving fangirl ask for?

^_^. ~~Nuriko smiley.

Bye, all! And remember to drop me a review!