WFA! LOTR-style
Chapter six:
Mysteriously short interlude chapter with no actual plot. Bwahahah.
But not really.
Disclaimer: Okay, here's what I do own: August, Legolas' eye patch, a box of frosted cheerios, the NAASC, any fictitious television shows I made up, even if they would get cancelled after three episodes, Aragorn's cherry apron, half of the Muskrat song, my opinions on the treatment of LOTR and also of Iron Chef. Glorfindel isn't mine as such, but the mental image of Jude Law!Glorfindel with job frustration I guess would belong to me. That, and the mysterious Elven sighing disease. Anything else in the story is not mine, kay? Don't sue me.
Summary: A perfectly average weekend morning for the remainder of the Fellowship turns sour. Gratuitous anti-squirrel commentary, bad television shows both real and imagined, and Legolas being angry and somewhat violent. Enjoy.
***********
August yawned. It was somewhere in the vicinity of noon, and she had awoken to the extremely disturbing sight of Aragorn cooking breakfast. Wearing a pink apron over his usual scummy ranger clothes. This was extra disturbing for the fact that since the son of Arathorn II was doing the food preparation that day, the meal probably included squirrels. August felt she should put a stop to this; or, at least, get someone else to do it for her. She looked around the camp for someone to wake up and do her bidding. Therefore, she calmly walked over to Legolas and promptly screamed in abject horror.
It should here be noted that while yes, Legolas is a very attractive, decent person, chivalrous and all that, he had the unfortunate Elven trait of sleeping with his eyes open. Which looked hella disturbing on anyone, especially someone who happened to be wearing an eye patch. Needless to say, the bloodcurdling screams woke the poor Elf up.
"Wha…?" he muttered. Despite contrary belief Legolas was not a morning Elf. Far from it.
"Go stop Aragorn making breakfast." August hissed at him.
"nnnngh….g'way….needtafixmahair…..want…coffee….wannawatchcartoons…"
"Do it!"
"ergh….gimmelembas….." Legolas said with pleading, red-rimmed eyes.
"Oh, fine." August said, pressing a packet of (hopefully not tainted) lembas into his hand. "Now go do something about your Ranger buddy or we'll all be eating squirrel for breakfast."
"Argh. Women." Grumbling in such a manner, Legolas walked over to the campfire and unceremoniously poked Aragorn in the back. This resulted in him being held at swordpoint, since it's never a wise thing to sneak up and poke a Ranger while he's cooking. Remember this, children.
"Oi, it's me, fool of a son of Arathorn." said Legolas blearily. "And I hope you're not cooking squirrels again." he munched on the lembas, feeling a bit more awake now.
"No, not cooking squirrels, though that would be nice…maybe scare off those girls who for some inexplicable reason are traveling with us, you know?" said Aragorn calmly. Legolas snickered at this. "What?"
"..Apron! so….funny….pain from laughter…too…much…."
"Hey, you insult my choice of clothing? I could have you executed for that, Elf."
"You're not the king yet….and besides…it's…PINK!" Legolas succumbed to a fresh bout of giggles.
"I'll have you know it is not pink, the apron is cherry."
"Cherry?" August asked, walking up. She also raised an eyebrow in wry disbelief.
"Yes, cherry. It's a manly color." This got more laughter, August now joining in.
"Argh! Now I remember why I spent so many years in the wild. Alone. To get away from idiots like you!"
"eesh, chill out, Estie." Said Endril, presumably just now waking up.
Aragorn sighed a mighty, angst-ridden sigh.
"What's for breakfast?" Mufasa asked.
"Rabbit stew." The Ranger said shortly.
"You killed a bunny?" the hobbit girl screeched. "You were gonna have us eat BUNNIES?!"
"Hee, Elessar the Bunny Slayer." August mused, lazily waving her hand in the air and managing to conjure up a box of Frosted Cheerios. "It could be a great hit on the WB."
Meanwhile, Pippin had woken up.
"Breeakfast!" he exclaimed in pure hobbity glee.
"Second breakfast!" said Mufasa.
"Oh, this is gonna go on for a while…" Legolas said slightly bitterly. "Hey, pass the Cheerios."
"Elevensies!"
"Lunch!"
"Tea!"
"Um, Pip, what comes after tea?"
"Supper! Is it suppertime?"
"You know, that joke really doesn't work as well when you're actually talking about meals…" Endril mused.
"Yeah, and dinner comes before supper, everyone knows that." August replied. "And keep your hands off my cereal, Elf boy."
Aragorn, who had ignored the conversations, was continuing to cook rabbit stew, and hummed a jaunty little tune about a muskrat named Karl. (lyrics upon request.)
Endril had stolen the remote to the Palantir somehow, and was flipping through channels to see if there were cartoons on. Because you never come between an Elf and their cartoons.
"hmmm…good morning Minas Tirith, no…..static…Eye of Sauron, no…..BBC world news, no….teletubbies, no….Isengard Stock Report, no…..Sew perfect, ugh….ah! Iron Chef! Woohoo!" They all gathered round the Palantir to watch the splendor that was Japanese combat cookery.
"Hey, get over here and watch this, Aragorn, you might just learn something." said August, dragging him over.
Within moments the steel alloy-willed Ranger was in speechless awe of the complete and utter mad skillz of Morimoto.
Pippin and Mufasa now had a very interesting discussion going about the relative merits of macaroni and cheese as an entrée.
"Oooh, foie gras…." said Aragorn contentedly.
"No, my friend." Legolas was concerned. "You must not go over to the dark side. Sakai is evil, you hear me? Eeevil. Japanese French cuisine is not real cuisine at all."
"I…I have been so foolish. I see the light now…"
"Yes…. there is only one way. And that is the way of Morimoto."
Over to the side, Endril was whispering discreetly to August.
"Hey, d'you think it's a bit odd that they've turned Iron Chef into a Zen experience?"
"Yeah, but at least we won't eat squirrels now."
"No, we will. Just amazingly decorated squirrels with a chocolate glaze."
"True."
***********
Two hours later:
***********
August was nearly passed out in front of the Palantir, having binged on frosted cheerios. Endril had been into Legolas' lembas supply again, and so was doing a fair job of wrecking the campsite in her happy stupor. Mufasa and Pippin had eaten the remainder of the food and were now whining about the lack of food.
Legolas sighed angrily.
"Our lives have degraded into nothingness ever since those girls showed up." He muttered to himself. "My lembas stash…."
"Ohh, this is just perfect." Aragorn was getting a dangerous tone in his voice.
"What now?"
"All my cinnamon is gone! They've used up all the cinnamon!"
Legolas sighed again.
"Why can't I have nice things?" Aragorn wailed to the sky.
Things were clearly getting out of control, not to mention horribly out of character.
"Okay, this is ENOUGH." Legolas announced. Everyone turned to look at him. August came out of her cheerios-induced coma.
"What's enough?"
"I'm sick and tired of you bums—no offence Aragorn."
"None taken."
"Wasting our time when we have a mission to complete. You know, free peoples to save, rings to destroy..."
"Orcs to kill." Aragorn added.
"Um…your point being?" asked Endril.
"Well, from what I've seen, you three are no better than the Mary-Sues that run rampant here. If you're going to stay in Middle Earth, you have to learn how to survive in Middle Earth."
"But…that's what handsome canon characters are for! We can't be expected to look out for ourselves!" Mufasa protested. Legolas (predictably) sighed.
"Now now, children, you have to go out and make your way in the world. Because I'm sure as hell not going to haul you around on the quest. You're not members of the Fellowship. Find something else to be, okay?" The Elf looked annoyed. "Play some other little make-believe game. One that actually fits in with the world."
"What do you mean by that, exactly?" August asked.
"Get a damn job!" Legolas yelled.
August attempted to hug the obviously very upset Elf, but was shoved rudely away. Preserving one's sanity came before chivalry in this case.
Sighing in defeat, Mufasa began looking at the morning paper for employment opportunities.
"Hey….great starting salary, opportunity for travel, gratuitous violence.." Mufasa read.
"Whassat about gratuitous violence?"
"Um, this ad for what appears to be a 'upholder of fair treatment for those overlooked in fanfiction', apparently. You interested?"
"Of course! Anything that requires weapons…who's offering the job?"
"Let's see…"Mufasa scanned the ad, looking towards the bottom. "the NAASC."
"What's that?"
"National Association for the Advancement of Side Characters." Endril said, her superb Elf eyes picking out the small print. "Applicants contact NAASC offices, Edoras. Ask for Eowyn."
"Cool!" August crowed. "I'm gonna be a…well, I don't really know exactly, but damn does it sound interesting."
"That's the spirit!" said Pippin encouragingly.
August went off to steal Legolas' personal Palantir/phone marble and call in to ask about the job. Endril snatched the paper from Fasa.
"Hey, a barmaid. I could do that." She said, looking at an ad. Legolas snickered in derision.
"You couldn't barmaid your way out of a paper bag!"
"Oh yeah? I'll show you!"
While this was going on, Aragorn remembered something.
"Oh, Mufasa, I heard they were looking for a library assistant in Rivendell, maybe you'd be-" the hobbit was already gone in a particularly cartoonish cloud of dust. "Interested."
Legolas suddenly noticed the lack of raucous noise in the camp.
"Where's August?"
"She went to Edoras to apply for that job." Pippin said knowingly.
"Edoras?"
"What? It's right over there." Pippin pointed a few hills away, where the fortress of Rohan could clearly be seen.
"Oh, well yes. I knew that."
"Suuure you did, Legolas."
"Oh, shut up, Ranger."
*********
Meanwhile, at Edoras (thanks to uncanny scene changing speed) August was waiting in the lobby of a rather imposing-looking office.
"Eowyn will see you now." said a rather familiar voice from behind the desk.
"Glorfindel? Izzat you?"
"Yes…it's me. Had to take a part-time job…go ahead, laugh." He looked sulky.
"No, why would I laugh? If I weren't skiving off here, I'd be making copies and shelving posters at the Art Museum library. And hey, it's money."
"Yeah…" the Elf was beginning to look starry-eyed with hope. "Thanks…that was uplifting."
August, unnerved, walked into the office
"He does that all the time, by the way. The whole 'I hate my job' bit. Thinks the self-pity will get him noticed. Poor bastard."
This was Eowyn's method of saying hello.
"I think it's kinda sweet…anyway, I'm here about the job opening?"
"Yes, exactly. So, August, why exactly do you want this position?" Eowyn asked. She was rather scary in a business executive sort of way.
"Well, honestly the bit about gratuitous violence caught my attention at first..."
"Ah, yes. This world needs more girls with a fighting spirit. I had so hoped that the recent influx of female fanfic characters would fill that niche, but for the most part it's been disappointing."
"Well, you seemed to do a good job with that yourself. I mean, the only strong female character aside from maybe Luthien, but she wasn't active…and Galadriel's just sorta creepy…anyway. Ever since I've read the Hobbit-"
"Wait, you're actually read the books?"
"Yeah…"
"Go on."
"Well, I was really disappointed that there was no mention of say, the Mirkwood Elves, the spiders, and the Wargs in LOTR, you know? I mean, those were some really ass-kicking characters. And then there are people like Tom Bombadil and poor Glorfindel, who get cut out of the films, and the way they neglect Bill the pony is just shameful."
"Well, my thoughts exactly. Although many others share those thoughts as well."
"And, um…there's sorta been a curse on attempts to recreate Tolkien's vision, you know, after that evil cartoon movie…" August shuddered. "And the fanfics have suffered for it. It's a situation that needs to be solved with pain and death, if you ask me."
"Well, August, you seem to have the makings of a fine agent for the NAASC." Eowyn smiled. "So, what other related work have you done?
"Let's see, babysitting, office assistant, librarian of sorts…I write fanfics…"
"You do." Eowyn's eyes narrowed, her voice cold.
"Mostly parodies, really. But I did do this one-about you, in fact, the whole 'hey, I'm in love with Aragorn but dammit, I'm strong, I can survive' sort of thing."
"Stop plugging your own story!" Glorfindel shouted from the next room. "It wasn't that good!"
"Quiet, Elf." Eowyn said shortly. "August, you're hired."
"Lord, what fools these mortals be…" Glorfindel sighed.
"Can I get a mace?" August asked.
"Sure."
*********
And over in another region of Middle Earth…
"This bar is nasty." Endril announced.
"Well, that's what the barmaid is there for. To clean things." said Butterbur a little gruffly, if confused. "And besides, it's an inn, not a bar."
"Whatever. It's nasty. I was hoping for more of a bar-tender job, you know? Listen to people's problems; give advice, smile and nod. That sort of thing."
"Do you even know anything about mixing drinks?"
"Um, well…. I used to hang out in beer gardens as a little kid. Lived in Germany for a bit, as a matter of fact."
"Well, we'll give you a trial run for a few hours, see how you work out."
"Woohoo!"
"Eh?"
***********
And, once again, meanwhile back at the ranch:
"Aragorn?"
"Yeah?"
"Um…." Legolas looked as if he really didn't want to say what he wanted to say.
"You two aren't having a slashy moment, are ye?" Pippin asked.
"No, fool of a Took. I was gonna say that I'm bored." The girls had left, but for some reason they didn't exactly feel like packing up and getting the hell out of there. Legolas had inspected all his arrows for what seemed like the thirteenth time, and if Aragorn didn't stop sharpening Anduril, Pippin was fairly sure it would fall apart again.
"Well, go see what's on the Palantir, then." Aragorn said, rather distracted.
"I'm beginning to miss them, you know…" Legolas sentence trailed off as he changed channels. "Sweet mother of Isildur."
"What is it?" Pippin scrambled over. He was speechless, for once.
"Oh, come on you two, whatever show's on can't possibly be that-praise the Valar."
"Girls." said Legolas numbly.
"Girls…in bikinis."
"Whoa."
Having never quite that much skin before (oh come on, it's Middle Earth for chrissakes.) the guys were in shock. Happy shock, but shock nonetheless. The palantir droned on.
Previously, on Survivor…"Oh, praise the Valar. My life has suddenly taken on new meaning."
"Hey, that one girl's quite the bitch."
"Maybe they'll fight!"
"Ooh!"
Over in Rivendell, Elrond the temporarily omniscient (for plot-hole purposes) grumbled in despair. Or angst. The jury's still out on that one.
"Great…trans-dimensional reality television programmes corrupting the Fellowship….and I thought Orcs were going to be a problem…" he sighed. It seemed to be catching among frustrated Elves.
"Uh, sir?" the incredibly short girl asked.
"Listen, I don't care if you can read Elvish or not, I have bigger problems to deal with…ah, just go dust something, will you?"
"Sure thing!" Mufasa, grinning like a kid in a candy store (or a nerd in a Library) went to go peruse the shelves.
"Damn Fellowships aren't what they used to be…" Elrond said to himself. "Now where the hell is my green sequined dress?" he began pacing somewhat nervously.
"Arwen!" the yell went resounding though the hallowed halls of Rivendell.
"Yes, da?"
"D'you have my green dress?"
"What, the one with the sequins?"
"Yes!"
"No, I think you loaned it to Felicia…"
"Damn." He muttered, yet again. It was getting so difficult to keep track of things, what with all the crossovers and other film references…
"Argh. Fanfic authors are a virus. A cancer of this bloody planet."
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Author's note: okay, so this chapter is shorter, but I wrote it all in one day, so the thoughts kind of hold together better, don't you think? More cohesion and all that. Next up, life in the workforce of Middle Earth takes its toll, the guys become addicted to daytime television, more Glorfindel, more Eyepatch!Legolas, and quite possibly more Elrond. I'm on an Elf-writing kick, what can I say? At any rate, this chapter is dedicated to….um…Guy Pearce, for being the transie we all know and love. And for being really buff. Whoo, yeah. And I don't have anything against Survivor, honest. It's just slightly less debauched than Temptation Island. That, and I hate Jeff Probst with a passion. Eep, Arwen made a cameo! And I didn't kill her! Wow, I'm messed up today..
So, um, go be happy that I finished two chapters in a week, okay? This is a rare occurrence for me. Hoorah! And please review.