WFA! LOTR-Style!
By August DuMonte, that crawlin wee tim'rous ferlie.
Chapter 7ish: What's this? An Update? (Alternative title: Bitter Glitter and Wargs. And Lex.)
Disclaimer: No owny, no lawsuit! Pweeze! I borrow a line from Harry Potter, and reference a thousand other things which I also, predictably, do not own.
Notes: This half-assed attempt at a chapter is written script-style for your enjoyment. Any breaking of the fourth wall is meant as thinly veiled exposition and Author's notes throughout the text. A slice of my life, if you will. Apologies for Hez's bad characterization, and Pippin's bad accent. Everything else is intentional.
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It is late afternoon, on the plains of Rohan. The sun is fading, the wind is pleasant, and the three coolest members of the Fellowship are ignoring it all and watching trans-dimensional television shows on the Palantir.
Legolas: Eh, this show is boring. Why are we watching it?
Aragorn: Because it's a rerun and I haven't seen this episode yet! This one's the best!
Pippin: How d'ye know et's the best if ye've never seen et before?
Aragorn:…..Shut up and let me watch my stories.
*Endril rides up unannounced.*
Endy-chan: Oh, yay! Smallville!
Aragorn: Shhh! It's the one where Clark makes an ass of himself and continues to have a boring non-relationship with Lana. Oh, how I love that poor, hideously beautiful girl.
Legolas: I thought you had sworn your heart to Arwen, man.
Aragorn: …Well…*looks shifty* Kristin Kreuk is a celebrity! It's not like I'll ever meet her or whatnot.
*Endril snorts at the mention of Kristin Kreuk as a 'celebrity'*
Endy: You need to sort out your priorities. Lana is nothing. Clark is nothing. There is only Lex.
August, appearing out of nowhere: Yesssssssh! Mmm, Lex.
Legolas: How can you love him?! He's-he's evil!
August: So?
Legolas: But he's bald!
Endril: That's half the appeal, man! It's LEX. There is no one sexier.
Pippin: Whit about me?
August: Aww, that's cute. But shush, so I can watch ma sexy, sexy man act circles around the rest of the cast.
*Mufasa walks slowly up the hill, covered in dust*
Fasa: *coughs* Stupid Elven library….Hey! Smallville! ..Eww, it's Lex.
Endril, August, and Aragorn: SHUT UP!
Aragorn: Lex is being angsty! Not as angsty as me of course…
August: Oh god, here we go again..
Legolas: We need to talk about me!
Pippin: No we don't, ye manic wee elfie!
*Endril smacks August in the face*
Endril: Enough with the Robert burns-speech! It's annoying!
August: But Pippin dialogue is so hard to write!!
Hez: Write dialogue for me! Me!! I play hockey! …Sort of!
Legolas: How'd he get here? *growls*
Endril: Down boy. Siddown, shut up, and wear your eyepatch!
Legolas: You've all turned against me! *Starts to cry*
August: jeez, man. I thought you were Lego-sama, not wussy-ass Frodo baby, cryin an shit.
Hez: Are you really this ghetto?
August: No. Not really. On occasion, however…
Aragorn: Shut up! I'm trying to watch Smallville!!
*A short, balding, Jewish man walks in.*
Eli Shapiro: Kids these days and their television shows, and their mangy haircuts. Back in the old days we couldn't grow our hair long if we wanted, because we were impoverished children of Polish immigrants, forced to sell newspapers on the streets or work in the string factories of New York. And when the subways went by the ground shook and there was none of these-these shenanigans that you kids do, your 'alternative lifestyles' and what-have-you. Frank, my boy, your grandparents would be ashamed!
*Eli Shapiro exits as mysteriously as he appeared*
Legolas: What…. the hell…was that?
Aragorn: Squirrels! Let's cook some squirrels!
Hez: You're not serious.
Aragorn: Oh, but I am. You see, there's a snowstorm coming, and if we don't have enough food and firewood we'll be trapped on the mountain for the rest of eternity, forced to eat the yuppies in the hiking group.
*A pregnant silence fills the camp*
August: Um, Lego? Was he at all like this on Caradhras?
Legolas: Now that you mention it…hmm. This is unusual behaviour.
*Aragorn turns off the Palantir and walks out of the camp.
Fasa: Hey! I wanna watch Smallville!
Endril: I wanna watch Lex!
Aragorn: No time for that. I'm going to go scout.
*He leaves*
Pippin: Whit was that about?
August: You know Pip, I don't think we ever resolved that aspect of his character.
Hez: But anyway. Let's do something. Something cool.
August: LEX!!
Hez: ….didn't need that mental image…
Endril: ooh! Let's go back in time to the beginning of "Fellowship", and film the LOTR movies before Peter Jackson gets a chance to!
Fasa: Like you were going to do with Moulin Rouge?
Hez: Wow, girls. Illegal much?
Endril: shush. It'll work.
Legolas: But I doubt any of you have time-travel powers. Oh wait, you're blatant Mary-Sues. Never mind. *Glares at them*
Fasa: Since when did Legolas get all mean and stuff?
Pippin: Good question.
August: I have a solution! *Pulls a bottle of Pantene pro-V conditioner out of nowhere, and holds it up for all to see* Behold! Not that you need it or anythi-
*Legolas yoinks the bottle and cradles it like a child*
Legolas: Shiiiiny……prettyyyyyy…..
Hez:…so anyway….I don't think your time-travel plan's gonna work, Endril. Shouldn't there be something else you guys can do whilst in Middle-Earth?
August: What, like conquering the Mary-Sue army? That plot point faded into the background ages ago.
Endril: And we have jobs now, so it's not like we're doing nothing all day.
*Elrond appears in a flash of light and a cloud of glitter. Bitter glitter.*
Elrond: *AHEM*
August: Squeee! Agent Smith!
Fasa: I didn't steal those books, I swear!
Elrond: HELLO? The Ring must be Destroyed!!
Endril: Aw, Frodo can handle that shit, man.
Elrond: Well then…erm….The Plot must be Restored! Your audience is slipping. And it's no longer a good parody of the film.
Endril: Okay, there's a fourth wall here, Smith. Or at least there was.
Elrond: But still, I'm right and you know it. Get to work.
August: Okay, okay. We'll do the film parody thing.
Endril: We can do it about the spiffy extended edition DVD!
Hez: W00t! Bookends!
August: And…um…we'll even bring back Boromir!
Legolas, snapping out of 'shiny' coma: That's going a bit too far, don't you think?
Fasa: Nah, it'll work, you'll see. Once Aragorn gets back to camp we'll watch madcap Michael Douglas movies. Like A Perfect Murder and Don't Say a Word. And we can kill little evil vermin bunnies. And eat them, so that the rest of the bunny nation will know me, and fear!! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
*Yet another pregnant silence*
Endril: And we can watch Goldeneye!
August: No, we won't. We'll watch From Russia With Love, or nothing at all. Fighting Gypsies!!
Endril: You and your Sean Connery obsession…
Hez: Hey, he was the best Bond. I don't see why you persist in liking that Pierce Brosnan guy.
Meanwhile, the sun has set and it's now pitch black. Legolas begins to twitch.
Legolas: There's a fell voice in the air! Wargs!
August: SWEEEEEET!!!!! Wargs rock!
Hez: And you're still a Jedi? *shakes head in confusion*
Endril: Well, it looks like there's only two Wargs. And Glorfindel is riding one of them.
*True enough, Glorfindel and two Wargs enter the camp. Legolas quietly takes aim at Glorfindel out of pure jealousy*
Glorfindel: Hello again, August. I've brought your company transportation.
August: Sweet! I get a Warg!!
Legolas: *coughMarySuecough*
Hez: Oh shut up, Elf boy. Wargs are cool.
*August proceeds to fawn over the huge giant wolf like it's a fuzzy puppy*
August: You're a cute puppy, aren't you? I'm gonna wuv you forever! And I'm naming you..um…Gingetsu!
Gingetsu: Raargh. *happy wolf-smile*
Glorfindel: And here's your paycheck, Augs. Eowyn would like you to know about the office party next week, for the holidays.
Endril: What holidays?
Glorfindel: Crazy Rohirrim holidays, I dunno. Gotta go! Bye!
Legolas: Why does he keep doing that?
August: *fuming* My pay SUCKS.
Fasa: ooh, lemme see….ouch. you're right.
Pippin: Well, Rohan is in wartime right now…perhaps the economy will pick up after-
Endril: You said the "E" word!! GAAH! *curls up into a ball and cries*
Gingetsu: *nudges Endril and she rolls down the hill*
August: Bad Warg! No! You do not use my friends as sporting equipment!
Gingetsu: rowwr?
August: No. But if you're good, I'll let Hez take you for a rampage.
Hez: Yes! Rampage! Awesome!
Elrond: Again, you're getting off-track.
August: Jeez, chill. Let me do my art thing, ya plot Nazi.
Fasa: Plot Nazi! It's so true!! He is!
Elrond: do you want to keep your job?
Fasa: sorry. *Runs off with Pippin to go eat things*
Elrond: So get cracking. Write, girl! Write!
*Elrond disappears silently into the shadows*
August: Evil, Evil, Elf Lord…..
Endril: *walking back up the hill* Wanna do another collaboration chapter?
August: Hell yes. Roll credits, this is getting too long to be considered filler.
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Author's notes: Super, super apologies for turning into the type of author I hate, by not updating in forever. My schoolwork is taking up all of my time this year, but Endril and I are working on a mega DVD-parody chapter, which'll be awesome. Awesome, I tell you! This chapter is dedicated to Arwen Undomiel, who was appropriately not present, and only mentioned once. Of course, mega big thanks to everyone who likes this fic, you made me feel horrible for not updating in so long. ^_^. I needed to get out of my writing slump and you guys motivated me! Don't you feel proud? No? Fine. Just go and review then, kay? Ja, matta ne!
~August~