When Fangirls Attack!! LOTR-STYLE!
Chapter 7: Special Extended Deer-killin' DVD Edition parody. With CONVICTION.
Written as a joint effort between August and Endril.
Disclaimer: How much of this dialogue is blatantly stolen? The exact same amount proportionally as the amount of time in Jackson's TTT film taken up by battle scenes. We don't own: LOTR (for starters, but you knew that, didn't you?), The Ba$e Boyz, Ian McKellen's boyfriend, Peter Jackson himself, Empire Records, Steve McQueen (in any size, shape, or form), Snatch, Annie's Song, My Best Friend's Wedding, Legolas's medical degree, Uprising and any actors therein, Harry Potter, Agent Smith, Jim Croce songs, West Side Story, Javert from Les Miserables, "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner in Seven Parts," our AP lit teacher, and we DEFINENTLY (though we wish we did) do not own The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Authors' Notes: At the bottom, and throughout the text. ^_^.
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It was three o'clock in the morning and no-one could find Aragorn. Angry, Angry Gandalf was trying to kill Frodo for waking him and Gandalf's strange Hispanic-looking boyfriend up so early with loud, ungodly music that kids these days are corrupted by. Peter Jackson had been frolicking in the hills pretending to be a hobbit when Random Crew Member #3715R approached him, drugged him, abducted him, locked him in the basement, and forced him to watch all of Liv Tyler's parts in Empire Records on replay until he cried with shame for ever considering casting her in a part that was meant for Glorfindel. Oh wait, that's not part of the story…
"Okay, where the Hell's Aragorn?" Boromir whined. "We have to film my death scene!!"
"Oh, shut up and sit still." August grumbled. "I have to give you these low-tech fake arrow wounds, you loser." Legolas ate another lembas and smiled dreamily. He stood up and held up the lembas for the invisible telly audience to see.
"Lembas." He smiled meaningfully. "One small bite will fill the stomach of a grown man. Get your own Lembas today at a supermarket near you!"
Endril raised an eyebrow.
"Who are you talking to?" she said. With conviction. "And anyway, we don't have time for advertising! We have to find Aragorn!!" at this point, she was getting a bit hysterical. Fasa ran by and waved hello. She was looking for more foot wax, and ran into the trailers where the hobbits were being kept captive by Fasa and the strange people whose only job was to spend the early morning hours looking at men's feet. Wow. Boromir started talking about emotion AGAIN, and how he was more fascinating than Aragorn, which was a blatant lie.
" Shut the hell up, you dork!" Endril shouted, jumping up and hitting him over the head with Steve McQueen. "You do NOT disrespect Aragorn like that, Bitch! You caint touch ma man like that! You know why? 'Cause he ownz youz!"
"Straight up," August said with conviction. "You shouldn't be grabbin' on his mad cool Ranger threadz like that. You just trash up from Gondor, thinkin' youz somethin'. But you aint fool! You aint!"
"I aint scurred," Boromir said. Not with conviction.
" He be ownenz youz," Auggie said again.
"Hey, I thought I owned everything!" Sauron said from somewhere in the sky. A high-pitched scream issued from the vicinity of the hobbit trailers.
"Oh damn, Frodo's having an episode…." Endril sighed.
"Sauron: Lord of the Ring. Aragorn: Lord of Everything Else," August said with conviction. "And besides. Does Sauron have an ARMY of ZOMBIES? I don't think so."
"This is kind of creepy," Legolas said without conviction. "This is the most we've said nice things about Aragorn without mentioning me ONCE. This needs to stop now."
" Maybe he went off to scout. Or lay down on a prairie for hours on end without moving, listening to Mother Earth, or whatever shit that hippie does," Boromir grumbled without conviction. At that moment, Aragorn walked back into camp, looking slightly the worst for wear. Not that anyone could actually tell. He seemed to be carrying what looked awfully like a fully-grown deer over one shoulder, which had been cut.
"It's SUPER ARAGORN!" Endril cried out.
"Angstier than a speeding bullet," August said. "More powerful than… well, a lot of things really. Boromir for starters."
"Hey, I'm more powerful than Boromir," said Endril.
"Well…. you're freakishly strong!" Boromir cried. Endril sighed.
"Well, Frodo then. He's stronger than you."
"Hey man, Frodo aint got the juice!"
"What the hell?" Legolas said, and it was never spoken of again. With or without conviction. By this time Aragorn had reached camp (supposedly they have a camp now. Maybe its one of those Gypsy camps like in Snatch.), and dropped the deer on the ground. He seemed to be bleeding from the head. The rest of the group stared at him for a few minutes in shock (with conviction).
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All authors writing this story take a minute out to sway back and forth to "Annie's Song." Which is even better sung by boys who have swallowed too much helium, and are in a movie with cute gay guys. And ugly-ass Julia Roberts. Anyway… back to the story (With conviction).
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"So……Dude, is that a deer?" August asked Aragorn, incredulous.
"Yes. Yes it is. I killed it with my BARE HANDS."
"Wow, that's extremely rugged and manly of you." Fasa pointed out. "More so than before." Endril looked at the deer.
"How could you kill that with you bare hands? I mean, it's a deer. They're dangerous when cornered."
"I thought that was cats." August said.
"I move like a cat!" Legolas shouted to no one in particular.
"Well, it did put up a bit of a fight…." Aragorn looked shifty, and possibly a little off-balance for once.
"Are you okay?" Endril asked. "you know, not just normal angst-levels? you look injured. Or nauseous."
"I'm okay." Aragorn said in a grizzled voice.
"You have a concussion!!" Legolas shouted, which probably wasn't the best thing to do given the current medical situation of the Ranger.
"I'm okay!" Aragorn yelled, more grizzled-sounding than before.
"You seem to be bleeding profusely from the head."
" No I'm not."
" Umm…you are."
"No. That's the deer's blood. I killed it, you know."
"I think I can see bone…" Legolas said in a fascinated voice.
"It's just a flesh wound!" he cried. " I'm okay!"
" Can I see?!" August asked, wanting to be near Legolas as he pulled out some medical equipment from his quiver.
" It's…. it's nothing. From the war, that's all."
"What war? Specify," Endril said.
"Nam." (pronounced 'Naam, not Nahm')
"You weren't in Vietnam," Endril said. She felt like she needed a drink. A big one.
"I was too!"
"Some attention on ME, please," Legolas said, tired of playing doctor. August, on the other hand, wanted very much to play doctor with Legolas.
Here the author #1(August) would like to note that while no, she did not just write that sentence, Endril did. You the reader should feel free to take that the wrong way, as August's mind in eternally in the gutter. Thank you.
"I was in WWII too!" Aragorn shouted.
"No you weren't," Endril said.
"I can promise you that."
"But Kazik was," August
pointed out, with conviction.
"And Buff Hank Azaria," Endril added.
"You guys are hiding something," Aragorn said suspiciously. "I think this IS WWII. You must be those French spies!"
"How DARE you!" August screamed, lunging at him.
"He has a concussion, remember?" Endril said tiredly.
"I'm okay," Aragorn said somewhere in the background.
"You know, you're right. We aren't spies. But this IS WWII. We're under attack, and really we just need to get this scene filmed. The Nazis are dressed up as strange monster things. We need to kill them. Okay?"
So the group packed up, having convinced Aragorn that he was a soldier in World War 2. With that taken care of, and the actual plot (as if there was one) finally on track, they headed off on a dramatic aerial shot.
"Lets go hunt some Orc," Aragorn said, with conviction for once. "And by Orc, I mean NAZIS!!!!!"
END SCENE ONE
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Note from the Author #2 (Endril): I believe it is obvious (well, maybe not obvious, but widely understood) that the Fellowship has somehow, due to powers beyond our perception, arrived on the banks of the Celebrant, in Lothlorien. So deal with it.
Celeborn hesitantly eyed Aragorn from a distance. Aragorn was in a world of his own, singing some song about killing Nazis, and swinging his sword around.
"Are you sure he's not dangerous?" Celeborn asked, hoping that whatever happened, he would not get his pretty white dress dirty.
"Wait!" August cried. "You actually have emotions?!?! I thought you were creepy monotone man."
"No, Auggie, silly. That's FAT ELF, remember?" Endril said.
"Hey!!! I heard that!" Haldir shouted. Lucius Malfoy came out, blond Elf hair shining in the sun, and hit Fat Elf over the head with his staff. Endril raised an eyebrow.
"Wow. He could be, like, an evil wizard," Auggie said.
"Umm….. Auggie? He is an evil wizard," Endril said. "How much Lembas did you eat this morning anyway?"
"Shut up," August mumbled. She turned to Legolas for him to protect her, but he was too busy patting his new bow like it was a strange pet. August was pretty sure he'd named it too. She picked the bow up and held it out in front of her as she walked away.
"Lego-kun! Pretty bow! Shinnnneeeeyy. Follow Auggie," she crooned. Endril rolled her eyes.
"Aragorn, I need to talk with you," Celeborn said slightly nervously as he approached the estranged Ranger. Aragorn put his sword back and eyed Celeborn suspiciously.
"You a Nazi?" he growled, touching the sword point to Celeborn's chest.
"Um….nooooooo," Celeborn said, upset that his pretty dress now bore grass stains. "I'm technically your foster-Grandfather. Which is kinda weird, as you want to marry my granddaughter."
"No he doesn't!" Endril shouted from somewhere in the distance.
"Are you a French sissy spy?" Aragorn interrogated.
"No….of course not! I'm not a spy! Why would you say that? Do I look like a spy? What is it? My hair? My dress? Actually, it's more of a nightgown than a frock, but…" Celeborn caught himself. "Dammit, Aragorn, will you just look at me for a second and listen to what I have to say?!" He could see he was already loosing Aragorn's attention. At his rope's end, he grabbed the delirious (note: when this was first written, accidentally came out as "delicious." While maybe not appropriate for Celeborn's character, it is still very, very accurate) Ranger by the arm and began to lead him down the path, and started his little speech. He had worked hard on it, and just because Aragorn had a concussion and thought he was killing Nazis didn't mean Celeborn could have his fun.
"Do all Elves have A.D.D?" Boromir said in a frightened whisper.
"Mostly," Endril said with conviction. "Except maybe Elrond."
"That's because he's Agent Smith," Fasa said brightly to Boromir. "Anyway, we hate you. Go practise your death scene or sumthin."
(back to Celeborn…)
"Orcs heading blah blah blah blah," Celeborn was saying in a somber tone to Aragorn as they walked together down the path. Aragorn had been listening at the start, but within a few minutes was staring at the butterflies and the sunlight filtering through the trees, and in all truth not really caring one bit about what Celeborn was saying , even though for once he was speaking in something other than his creepy monotone/robot voice. Celeborn, trying to get the severity of his point across, snapped his fingers in front of Aragorn's eyes and then pointed into his own eyes.
"Focus!" he snapped, and Aragorn let his attention, for the moment at least, drift back to Celeborn. With a sigh, Celeborn handed him a pretty knife. "I was going to save this until after my dramatic speech, but it seems you are a little pre-occupied with something." Aragorn wasn't listening. "Focus, Damn you! Focus!" he could be heard screaming from beyond the trees.
"Aragorn sure brings out the best in Celeborn," Legolas said with conviction.
"Aragorn seems to bring out the best in everyone," Boromir said snidely, though he wasn't sure if he was making a valid point against Aragorn's reputation or not. He wasn't.
"Damn right you're not making a valid point." August said. Omnisciently. "Aragorn's the baddest man in the whole damn town! Badder than old King Kong!"
"Auggie, I don't think your making a very valid point yourself, though brownie points for the folk music plug."
"As I was saying, stop talking smack about Aragorn. It gets you killed."
"I'm not talking smack about Aragorn, I'm just trying to point out that I'm angsty, and no one seems to want to do anything about it!" Boromir was getting hysterical.
"Not as angsty as me." Aragorn said nonchalantly from a few yards away.
"ARRRRRGHHH!!!! I hate you people!!!" And with that, Boromir stormed off in a huff. That British enough for you?
"Hey! He's not being self-centered, he's just being honest!" Endril shouted after him, and another pain-filled cry echoed through the Land.
"Strange, are you starting to feel sorry for the man?" Fasa asked in a Ford Prefect voice. The remaining people looked at each other.
"Nah, can't be," Endril said.
"Ahem." Said Celeborn impatiently. Everyone turned towards him. "Aragorn wishes to make a statement."
"Oh, we'll just drop bloody everything else we're doing to listen to his pearls of wisdom, shall we?!!" Boromir shouted from over the hill. Everyone exchanged confused, frightened glances.
"Um.." Aragorn said, meekly for once.
"WHAT?" Boromir shouted, still walking away.
"I bwoke my toe," Aragorn said in the manner of a whimpering three year old.
"Awwww, poor baby!" Endril cried, rushing to his side. "Were you trying to kick those nasty Orc helmets again?"
"Oh my God, are you okay?! Here, take my shirt!" Legolas said with concern. August rolled her eyes.
"Any excuse to take off his shirt," she moaned, but of course inside she was quite enjoying the show.
"How come he can survive a fight with a deer, but not a simple toe breaking?!" Boromir shouted angrily, even farther in the distance than before, and the others were beginning to wonder about the new hearing ability Boromir must have picked up from something in the water.
"He has a concussion," Endril said, as if it explained all. And it did.
"Not to agree with dead man walking over there, but that don't make no sense, Endril." August pointed out.
" You've got to stop trying to kill anything in your path, Aragorn," Endril scolded.
"But it could've been a Nazi," Aragorn said with conviction. Even August had to admit Aragorn had a valid point there.
"Well, just stop it, okay?" Endril said. "Are you listening?" she said. Celeborn let out a long, desolate sigh.
"Don't bother," he said grimly. "No one listens to my advice anyway." No one was really listening, so the comment was left to hang in midair for a few minutes. "Did I say something wrong? Well excuse me for breathing, which I never do anyway, so I don't know why I bother to say it OH GOD I'm so depressed!" Celeborn said darkly, going off to sulk for a few thousand years.
"Where'd Celeborn flounce off to?" said August without much interest, and everyone else shrugged. However, as the Elf-quota had to be kept up, Glorfindel appeared for no apparent reason.
"Hello all. Lovely day, isn't it?" Glorfindel then proceeded to smoke a cigarette. For NO APPERANT REASON.
"Very James Dean of you, Glorie," said Endril. "But those things give you cancer."
"I didn't get killed by a Balrog and resurrected and have my part stolen by Steven Tyler's daughter, for chrissakes, just to have you lot get all 'politically correct' on me about my addiction. So shut up."
"I bwoke my toe," Aragorn piped up.
"Err…is he okay? Too much pipeweed?" Glorfindel said.
"Double Standard!!!" Fasa shouted.
~"I'm okay, though," Aragorn said faintly in his normally grizzled voice.
"No one cares!!" Boromir shouted, even more faintly. He must have been quite a few leagues away by this time.
"I love you," said Endril and August with conviction to Glorfindel for a VERY apparent reason.
"Me too," said Aragorn sleepily from the ground.
"ME ME ME ME ME ME ME M EM EM EME MEMEMEMEMEM!" Legolas shouted. "Look at me! I'm so pretty, oh so pretty, I'm so pretty and witty and gay!"
Glorfindel coughed pointedly.
as our brains have successfully been taken over by our AP Lit teacher, we are no longer fit to write entertaining parody fiction. We are, however, fit to write long winded essays on Romantic literature. Please help us before our souls are devoured by the Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Thank you, that is all.
Meanwhile! …Aragorn was getting philosophical from all the blood loss, as he had somehow ("OF COURSE" Boromir shouted) managed to get injured again. Endril suspected that it had something to do with all the dead squirrels that were lying about, and Aragorn kept calling Nazi scum.
"Hey….." He said, sounding like a drug addict. "Have you guys ever, you know, thought about how cool it is?"
"Cool what is?" Endril asked. She was getting concerned for the remnants of Aragorn's mental health.
"How cool it is that the entire population of middle Earth is held together by BELT BUCKLES and STRING!" he shouted suddenly, sitting up to show off his belt that was tied like a tie and his weird little gauntlets that he'd stolen from Boromir and the detachable sleeves from his jacket, and all the ties that were holding obscure Elvish weapons to his boots and even his other weapons.
"Scary. Really, really scary, but true." Said August, smiling as Boromir came trudging back to camp (it was a few days later). He sat down with the others, and Celeborn came back bearing s'mores.
"Look at the pretty stars," Aragorn said.
"You're not going to sing some Javert song, are you?" Endril asked.
"Maybe," he said, seeming perhaps a little more perceptive and alert than he had been in the past three hours (of action packed movie footage).
"Perhaps it is time for you guys to actually do some Fellowshipping," Celeborn said. Endril raised her eyebrows and Celeborn looked confused. "I mean, haven't you done enough pointless crap here? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?"
"This is Lothlorien. It is the home of pointless crap," Boromir said, the first positive thing he'd said all day. Then Galadriel swooped out of a tree and proceeded to EAT Boromir.
"NO! I still have to do my dramatic death scene!" he wailed ineffectually. Then he was gone.
"Awww. I was just starting to like him," Aragorn said. Then everyone promptly forgot Boromir ever existed.
"Um, does Galadriel do that often?" Legolas asked, genuinely concerned.
"Lembas withdrawal," Celeborn said matter-of-factly. "She's been like this for a few weeks now. Quite frightening, actually. Never knowing when your wife of a few million years is going to snap and swoop down and eat you."
"Yes, I can see how that would be disconcerting," Endril said.
"And worrisome," August pointed out.
"Sometimes I think Arwen might swoop down and eat me," Aragorn said out of nowhere.
"We all think that Aragorn," Legolas said.
" I'll protect you from her, 'Ragorn," Endril said with conviction. Then, without any warning whatsoever, ninjas came out of the trees and put Aragorn in a sack (only able to accomplish this because of a certain concussion).
"NAZIS!" Aragorn yelled, muffled by the sack, and then he was gone, and the ninjas with him. Crickets chirped loudly.
"I guess we should get some sleep," Celeborn said. "Especially if you have to LEAVE tomorrow. Very EARLY, if you want to rescue Elessar," Celeborn said.
"We'll be back, don't worry," said Legolas cheerfully.
"Someone has to make sure Galadriel doesn't swoop down and eat you," August pointed out. Celeborn wondered briefly which fate was worse; being eaten by his wife, or having to spend one more God-awful day with these crazies.
And thus, with a good deal of grumbling, The Fellowship (or the portion of the Fellowship we the Authors have portrayed above) and the three tag-along Mary-Sues and Glorfindel dashed off to go find and rescue Aragorn from certain…well…probably not death but we can safely assume Aragorn of the Head Injury will go through a great deal of harassment by the ninjas. And they ran off into the second dramatic aerial shot.
End Chapter the Eighth.
Authors' Notes: Hello all! (Endril: Hullo!) I realise the lack of time continuity in this chapter…erm, let's just assume the time-space continuum has been royally screwed up over the course of the fic. Which it has. ( Endril: We don't tend to make it easy for you, do we?). So, our original plan was use our Mad Mary-Sue parody powers to go back in time and film LOTR in Middle-Earth, with the original characters, before Jackson (OR Bakshi) had the chance to do it. Heehee. But that, as many things go, did not pan out. (Endril: not usually a big fan of Mary-Sue myself, but since it's a parody, that's alright then. I think it turned out quite well considering the time of night that we usually write at.) So Boromir's alive at the beginning of this chapter, I realise I killed him off earlier, sorry. It happens. Deal. (Endril: chances are that by the next chapter, Boromir will be alive again so that, once again, he may be killed. Please don't get the wrong idea. We don't actually hate him that much.) Actually, since watching Goldeneye (Under protest, I might add) August has developed a new respect for Sean Bean as an actor. And he's cooler than some other Seans I could mention. (Endril: coughStupidfathobbitcough. However, this new respect as Auggie calls it won't stop our joy of killing Boromir over and over and over again! I'm not a violent person, really!!! That's August. See what she does to me?) ANYWAY. If the plot ever gets back on track (i.e. us rescuing Aragorn from NINJAS) I'll do mad cool chapters based on TTT: the film. Happy? If so (or if not, for that matter) REVIEW! I really appreciate it when people review. (Endril: Maybe she'll let me write with her again! Please review! I've never gotten reviews before, as my computer won't let me have my own account on FF.net. oh well. REVIEW! LUV YA!)
Yeah. Review. Even if you hated this chapter. And if you did hate it, I'll send Galadriel to swoop down and EAT YOU. ^_^. Ja, matta ne!
~August (and Endril)