When Fangirls Attack!
Chapter..Um..9.
ADD-ON MADNESS!!
Disclaimer: Actually, there are very few instances of fangirls actually attacking anyone in this chapter, which was written jointly between Endril and myself. And when I say jointly, I mean we wrote this on sheets of notebook paper and passed it back and forth in class. The results are justifiably scary and unpredictable, so read at your own risk. Just for fun, I'll put Endril's bits in italics, so that you the esteemed reader can get a look inside both our heads. We don't own anything, so don't sue us.
And thus follows the chapter, which has absolutely no relevance to the previous chapters. And we occasionally interrupt it with our own speech. Like now:
Hello! We should write a story. Now? ^_^ Yes. You wanna start? Um….no, you start. Okay! Umm. One day, Aragorn was walking down a road. Angstily. He came across a pretty blond Elf-man sitting in the middle of the road playing with a shiny bow. And Aragorn said,
"Legolas, what the hell are you doing here?"
"Pretty…shiny…boooow." Legolas said happily. Aragorn wondered angstily if his friend was drunk. And knowing the people Legolas hung out with, he probably was. So Aragorn was about to pick his friend up and try to get him sober when they were attacked by rabid Jedi Knights carrying broken beer bottles and lightsabres. Aragorn said:
"Wait-rabid? I'm very confused." And Obi-Wan was all,
"You an me both, brother." Then Aragorn carried Legolas over his shoulders like a fireman does, and went off to go watch James Dean movies. *Evil laughter* Confused, the rabid Jedi Knights went back home. But Aragorn got bored because the angstyness of James Dean rivaled his own reputation. So he kicked the television, and ended up breaking his toes. And then Boromir showed up.
"You always have to do something so angsty!" Boromir said angrily. Aragorn pouted and Legolas got his drunken bum off the ground and shoved Boromir. And then August stepped in because Legolas shouldn't be so violent when he was drunk, and Boromir really did have a valid point. But that made no difference as Boromir sucked, so Endril stepped in to fix Aragorn's T.V. So August founded an abused character refuge, so Boromir could live in peace with the Elves and get some counseling. Actually, she just sent him to Rivendell. Where Elrond made him pick out his council dresses and let him braid his hair and Glorfindel ate lembas and bitched about having his part stolen. And Boromir became a fashion consultant. ^_^.
And back to our story, August was looking for some action. August needed some clarification, because she could easily take that sentence the wrong way and Legolas was drunk, after all. But August wouldn't take advantage of a drunk Lego (well, she would, but not that night), so instead she took away all sharp objects to play with by herself. Huh? I'm confused. And August left the story. And Endril did too, because this story sucks and we need to start over. But they didn't get a chance to start over, because they were attacked by Nazis, for REAL. Luckily Legolas was Aryan, so he was safe, but Endril and the rest wanted to kick some ass. And Faramir joined in the fight because you know what? He was Jewish! But not Boromir. Aragorn possibly being Jewish (but in all reality just wanting to kill Nazis) took up his mad-cool weapons and some torches. And Faramir sat in a basement making explosives, and Legolas danced in the meadow, because being an Aryan Elf, he was a little strange in the head. Endril and Aragorn practised targeting and August was scary making explosives with Faramir. That could also be taken the wrong way, Endril. (Wink) You just have a dirty mind (though is understandable). Sad but true. Hey, D'you think Elrond is Jewish? Hugo: probably not. Not many Aussie Jews, I think. Elrond, quite possibly. So..um…
"Elves aren't Jewish!"
"They CAN be!" ^_^ shouted Elrond, who was getting rather pissed off. And then he proceeded to kick ASS. And…since Aragorn is his foster son and therefore raised Jewish, he is Jewish! (haha! ^_^) But a particularly militant Jew.
"This is for the Munich Olympics!" Aragorn yelled, beating a Nazi to death. Endril loved Aragorn very much, so she too killed Nazis. And August just liked killing Nazis. And Faramir liked making explosives, so they named him 'Faramir the Lab Guy.' And Legolas, tired of frolicking (gasp!) came also with his mad arrow-glands. But he killed about a billion Nazis, and everyone glared at him.
"That was My Nazi to kill!" whined Faramir. Endril saw this could get dirty. And not in that way. Although Legolas never really does get dirty, does he? No, never. Aragorn, on the other hand, is quite dirty. (Not that way, either). Elrond made sure of that. Maybe he's orthodox or something. No sex before marriage, eh? Poor Aragorn has to wait like, 80 years then, book-wise. No wonder he has so much rage. I think we have made a very important discovery. Maybe Aragorn deserves to be angsty. *Ahem* and then Satch started kicking some ass. Poor Aragorn. L And Liam Neeson drove his car off into the sunset.
Because all the Nazis were dead, Elrond, seeing Endril fawn over Aragorn, locked the poor man in a closet. And Legolas went back to being drunk, and Boromir joined the French Foreign Legion. We're back to where we started…And you know what happened next? Boromir, through a random act of necromancy, raised the Mummy from the dead! WOO! Crossover! Legolas was happy because he suddenly was handed a flask. Looking up, he saw a skinny man named Jonathan in a lounge jacket. The lounge jacket was all-important, so Jonathan, in a move at friendship, gave one to Legolas, and the two became great friends (very drunk great friends). And it turned out that Aragorn-dude was in actuality-Aragorn's little brother!! *gasp* and they kicked much ass. And because Aragorn now had a little Arabian brother, cool Aragorn-man set off to set Aragorn free of the closet. His name is Ardeth. Which is a suitably Numenorean name. Because he, despite being Arabian, was a ranger. The new company of Jonathan, Ardeth, Endril, August, and Legolas started out on a dramatic aerial shot. Excellent. Suddenly Godzilla appeared, who was really a Japanese man in disguise. A small, small Japanese man in a rubber suit. He really was only 5 feet, 4 inches tall. And then Jonathan threw up on him. Legolas did too, and the new friends fell down in unconsciousness. The man in the Godzilla suit ran screaming from the group. And Ardeth gave him a cool salute thingy. Because he's awesome. Then they continued to Rivendell to free Aragorn from the closet. Of course, Elrond wasn't going to put up with someone freeing Aragorn (so he can go and do depraved things, god only knows.) so he sent Glorfindel and Boromir the fashion consultant to stop them. But Glorfindel was too damn pretty for that sort of thing, fighting fangirls and all.
"Eh…go fight them, Boromir." Said Glorfindel, who was inspecting his fingernails (in the manly way of course). Boromir whined, but fearing the wrath of Elrond (and who wouldn't?) took up arms and marched out to meet them. Brandishing a hair dryer. When the group saw him, they laughed so hard they pulled a Sobotka and cried. Of course, this only made Boromir more upset, so he ran up and hit the unconscious Jonathan on the head with the hair dryer. Since he was already unconscious, this of course had no effect whatsoever, and they laughed even harder. So Boromir sat down and pouted, throwing the hair dryer away angrily. Legolas, angry on Jonathan's behalf (as the bump on the head would hurt more than the hangover in the morning) kicked Boromir feebly. Which caused said pouting guy to start crying, which really was rather sad.
"Aww," said August and Endril, feeling slightly bad for the poor man suffering from helicopter-phobia.
"I'm afraid of helicopters!" Boromir cried. "Hold my hand!"
"Um…ookay…" said August, who was using this opportunity to steal his spare arm gauntlets. "You know, Boromir's almost cute in a way-"
"AUGUST! FOCUS!!" Endril screamed, horrified though more afraid at the thought that she had nearly agreed. "We have to save Aragorn!" She cried. "Boromir, you could defy Elrond and help us. We won't be mean to you anymore."
"Promise?" asked Boromir, looking like nothing so much as a kicked puppy.
"Yes, yes, we promise." Endril and August chorused.
"If I may, I believe my brother's plight requires our attention." Said Ardeth, looking urgent.
"Boromir, you must lead us to the closet!" Endril said, helping the poor man to his feet.
"Yes!" cried Boromir, doing a touchdown dance. And then he led them into Imladris, playing the Fellowship Theme ™ on a kazoo. They finally reached Rivendell, and crouched down in the bushes. Legolas and Jonathan (both awake now, for better or worse) were playing rock paper scissors on who would get to tackle Elrond. Ardeth meanwhile was having an in-depth conversation with his falcon.
"Pshaw!" Lego said. "Thou art no Elf! You have not the gift of animal-speech!" He was still drunk, so Ardeth gave him his mean stare and began a plan with the others.
"Will this plan involve a stakeout?" Boromir asked hopefully.
"NO." said the rest of the rescue party in unison.
"Shucks." Said Boromir dejectedly.
"Listen up," Ardeth said angrily. "Boromir, go distract Elrond somehow. Keep him busy for us while we break my kin out of this predicament."
"Fiiine…" Boromir whined, and quietly stalked off down the hall. There was a CLANG, followed by a THUD, and Boromir came stalking back. "There, he got distracted." He said bluntly. The rest stared at him.
"Umm…okay then!" August said. Elrond currently unconscious, the group went into the home and searched out Aragorn's room. Elrond, as it turned out, had a lot of closets; he had a lot of frocks.
"Oh, this is impossible." August asserted. "We'll never find him. Might as well go wake up Mitzy and have him give us the key…"
"Wait." Said Jonathan "Oh help!" he cried in an amusing falsetto. "We are besieged by the minions of Hitler!!"
Suddenly there was a large amount of kicking and thumping and curses from somewhere down the hall. Endril hugged Jonathan for his brilliantly drunk cleverness, and the group ran down the hall towards where Aragorn obviously was trying to break out of a closet. Ardeth got there first (predictably) and began hacking away at the door.
"Stand BACK!!" a muffled voice shouted from inside. Fortunately Boromir still had his shield, and as such managed to deflect most of what turned out to be a good-sized explosion of sharp wooden splinters and bits of sequined frock. When the mess cleared the group could see a very disgruntled-looking Aragorn sitting in a pile of pretty multicolored frocks and headdresses, and a lot of broken wood. His hair was mussed from being locked inside the closet for so long.
"NAZIS! Where are they?!!" Aragorn yelled in a haggard voice. Endril winced.
"Um, sorry luv, but we just had Jonathan say that so we could find you."
"You are free, my brother." Said Ardeth, once again doing the Royal Numenorean Blessing.
"I have a brother?" he seemed a little confused and out of it. Endless hours in darkness without food will do that sometimes. Ardeth helped Aragorn to his feet and brushed off sawdust and wood splinters from his hair and awesome threads. But before anyone could question anyone else's parentage, a loud, pained, and very angry string of Elvish curses issued from Elrond's chambers. Followed by a yell of utter hatred that would strike fear into the heart of Morgoth himself. Boromir looked about ready to faint.
"Okay people, time to go!" he yelled, and dragging the nearest person by the arm, ran off down the hall.
"For once I agree with Boromir," Aragorn said, looking frightened for the first time that Endril could remember.
"Make a run for it, before he sees his frocks!" August cried, pulling Legolas along with her; Jonathan pulled up in a getaway car.
"What in Hell is that?!" Aragorn screamed, and the other Middle-Earthers cowered before the autocar.
"Doesn't matter!" Endril screamed. "Get in the damn car!" they complied.
"Damned outlanders and their wily ways!" cursed Elrond as he ran towards them. Endril couldn't help but notice that he was wearing a very pretty burgundy frock with gold trim. Seeing Elrond coming at them, Jonathan tried to start the car, but either it was broken or he was just too drunk.
"Why didn't we get our licenses when we had the chance?!!?" wailed August. Legolas, Aragorn, and Faramir cowered in the backseat as the metal monster they sat in made very frightening noises.
"Faramir, where the hell have you been?" asked Boromir angrily. His voice was a bit muffled, since he was hiding in the trunk.
"I was in the basement, making explosives." He explained simply.
"Jonathan, get this car started right now, or I swear to god you will not live to see the light of another day!!" August screamed. She was fast becoming unhinged. "Although that's looking quite likely anyway! Ha!" August dissolved into hysterical laughter as Elrond bore down on them, having acquired a horse from somewhere.
Finally, with a great deal of curses and numerous kicks to the vehicle, (on the part of Endril) the car started and sped off. August meanwhile was still completely hysterical, and flailing about madly.
"Do we have to stuff you in the trunk?" Ardeth asked imperiously.
"Nooooo." August mumbled crazily. "Elrond's gonna cast us into the fires of Mt. Dooooooom!" Legolas grinned, procuring a bottle of NyQuil and some Pixy Stix from out of nowhere.
"This'll calm her down."
"Oh dear lord no!" Endril cried. "It's inhumane! It's…" August accidentally slapped Endril across the face in her flailing. "our only hope to shut her the hell up!" she held her friend down while Legolas expertly poured the concoction down August's throat. Jonathan's driving was continually getting worse as his blood alcohol level rose, and Aragorn, Faramir, and Boromir were paralyzed in fear; partly from the car ride, partly because Elrond was using his mad Agent Smith skills to hunt them down.
"Aragorn!" He was shouting. "Get your ass back in your closet!" Aragorn tried to get out of the speeding car to comply (how could one hope to win against Elrond?), and was desperately trying to jump. His attempts at jumping were hindered by the fact that Endril had cleverly fastened Aragorn to his seat using his masses of belts.
August was currently slumped over in the backseat, having collapsed onto Faramir.
"Elllf boy…" August called in a bizarre voice. "c'mere Elf boy! Kiss kiss."
"August, FOCUS." Said Legolas, beginning to regret his actions.
"Heehee, Can't. Sowwy. Hug?" August said, looking beseechingly at Ardeth and Boromir.
"I can't breathe!" Faramir protested. Endril glared at him as she held tightly to Aragorn, still frightfully trying to get out of the car.
"Please," he begged. "Let me go to my closet. He told me to!" Elrond was fast getting closer. Endril was beginning to panic. Aragorn really needed some sense slapped into him, but she wasn't about to do the slapping. Faramir was in the process of constructing a Molotov cocktail out of August's magic 8-ball. August was in the process of falling asleep, since it turned out that in emergency situations, Boromir can be used as a pillow AND a flotation device. But then Jonathan swerved and hit a large rock, and several things happened at once. Everyone flew from the car and was thrown into the river that magically appeared for this convenience. Faramir was hit in the head by a flying, semi-conscious August, Jonathan smashed into Faramir, and once in the water everyone clung for their lives to Boromir, who was now being used as a flotation device.
Everyone except for Aragorn, who was currently sinking along with the car, being still fastened to it. August and Jonathan were both in no state to swim, and as such were being monitored closely by Endril and Legolas. Ardeth dove under the water to save his brother, and everyone else looked on in concern. Except for Boromir, who was getting tetchy.
"Could everyone please stop manhandling me?" he protested. "I'm losing blood flow to my legs. OW!"
"Shut up." Endril snapped, trying to balance an unconscious Jonathan, who didn't have enough upper body strength in his thin, weak self to swim anyway, over Boromir's back.
"I looove you, Green Eggs & Ham," August mumbled in a smile, stroking Legolas' hair. She turned drunkenly to Endril. "That sentence about Jonathan was the one with the thing at the end of the thing!" she said. She then began to sink into the water.
"Dammit, someone get her before she drowns," Said Legolas. Endril manage to do this, and August was dumped unceremoniously on Boromir's chest.
"Ow! I'm not a damn seafaring vessel, people! I can't take this kind of abuse!" At that moment Ardeth's head burst out of the water, carrying Aragorn with him. Aragorn also now looked unconscious, and he too was draped over Boromir's body. The remaining group, Endril, Legolas, and Ardeth (well…and Boromir, but currently was busy trying not to sink), stared at their companions. Only then did they remember that Elrond was after them. Oh wait, Faramir was awake too. The group constantly kept forgetting he existed, which was beginning to get on his nerves. Of course, some things were more important then Faramir, like making sure they all weren't murdered by an enraged Elf lord.
"We must make for the opposite shore!" Ardeth cried, just as Elrond summoned up a flood to hinder their progress. The flood succeeded in capsizing Boromir (can humans capsize?), and all the unconscious members of the party were subsequently thrown into the river's depths. Ardeth and Legolas rescued them, putting then back on Boromir, who moaned pitifully. Ardeth put his ear to Aragorn's chest.
"We need my brother's wisdom! Someone give him CPR!" Ardeth yelled over the flood.
"Ooooh! Oooo! Me! Me! I will!" Endril practically screamed, shoving Ardeth out of the way.
"Hey, wait a second!" Legolas whined. "I'm far more qualified as a healer than-"
"Hands off, Elf boy!" Endril roared. "Miiine. No one gives Aragorn CPR but me!"
"Can we perhaps, I don't know, focus?" Faramir asked angrily. Ardeth sighed.
"If you're so intent on healing somebody, go give August CPR!" Endril yelled, and proceeded to give Aragorn mouth-to mouth.
"August is unconscious, not in cardiac arrest." Legolas pouted. "Stupid mortals." Aragorn was slowly coming back to life, but this process was hindered when the operating table hit a rock and doubled over in pain.
"Hold still, Boromir!" Endril shouted as poor Boromir struggled to stay afloat. "Aragorn's dying up here!" As the flood grew stronger, Endril went back to giving Aragorn CPR. Finally after a few heart stopping moments, Aragorn began to cough and sputter up water from his lungs. "Oh my poor dear!" Endril said, trying to hug him. Ardeth detached her from his brother to give him breathing space. (which, as he had just been in cardiac arrest, he needed greatly). Endril pouted.
"Where's my sword?" Aragorn gasped. They all blinked in confusion, because he was wearing it.
"It's…It's right there." Endril stated.
"No. Where the Hell is ANDURIL??!" the ranger bellowed. The flood wavered at the anger in his voice.
"Excuse me," piped up Jonathan, who seemed to be awake now, but slightly unsteady. "Could we focus on something slightly more important…like he bloody FLOOD?!"
"No, the flood doesn't matter! I need my damned sword, and I need it now!" the watery onslaught continued. Elrond seemed to be laughing heartily from his position on the riverbank. "Heed my words, Peredhil!" Aragorn yelled in a commanding tone. "If you do not surrender Anduril to my possession right now, I swear by the all the powers of the Valar and Illuvatar himself that I shall inflict pain upon your pointy-eared head such as you have never known in all your eons of life!!" Everyone blinked in shock; except for August and Jonathan, who was again unconscious. Elrond laughed pointedly at said human.
"My son, you know full well you have no power over me. Just wait until I get down there. You'll be begging to be locked back up in said closet!" Elrond said with something that sounded strangely like a giggle.
"Oh wait, here's Anduril," piped up Endril meekly. It seemed that Boromir had it belted to him for some strange reason.
"What's that doing here?" Boromir gurgled in confusion. Aragorn glared at him.
"You stole my sword!" Aragorn yelled. "You thieving bastard!"
"I did not!" Boromir was indignant. "Besides, you're the one who stole me gauntlets!"
"You were dead!"
"Only mostly dead, damn you!" the argument could very well continue all day.
Endril swam up and slapped Boromir in the face (she didn't dare do the same to Aragorn, as that would have marked her for death).
"Focus, damn you!" she yelled. "What about the (string of dirty curses) flood? Aragorn, get us OUT of here!"
"Hey, why is it always ME?" he said angrily. Legolas snapped something in Elvish as the flood rose to drown them out.
Fortunately, one of Jonathan's random trinkets he'd 'found' conjured up an army of demon pygmy aquatic alligator mummies, which attacked the flood. In the process, the entire group was swept unceremoniously onto the shore. The painful, rocky shore.
"Wow that was terribly convenient!" Jonathan said lightheartedly. A few minutes later after a long silence Jonathan only had one more comment, which was this: "Ow."
"I'm in pain," remarked Legolas."
"Thanks for stating the obvious," Faramir (once again remembered) said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Ouchie." August said happily before lapsing back into unconsciousness.
"Are we out?" Boromir asked incredulously.
"Is Elrond still out to eat my soul?" whimpered Aragorn.
"Ow! Fuck! Where's Alan Rickman?!" Endril demanded, slightly delirious.
"Who?" Ardeth asked, as he was in danger of being overlooked.
"Hey, August's not awake yet." Endril was concerned, if still delirious. "August, wake uuuup!"
"Maybe she has a concussion." Aragorn piped up.
"Maybe the drugs didn't wear off yet." Said Endril, glancing darkly at Legolas.
"Or maybe her mind had been taken over by the evil minions of Mordor, who are at this very moment waging an horrific battle for her soul!" Jonathan suggested.
"I seriously doubt August has been possessed by orcs." Boromir said, wincing. "Oh Eru, my ribs…I think they're broken."
"Googleybear!!" August said suddenly, sitting up and glomping Boromir, who let out a strangled yell of pain.
"Oh good lord, she's gone insane." Legolas said in horror. "August! Focus! Look at me! Look at pretty Elf boy!"
"Oh, let her be," Endril said with a wink aimed at Boromir, who looked down with confusion and distrust at August, currently attached to his chest, her arms locked tightly around his waist.
"Are you sure she's not possessed by the evil minions of Mordor?" Jonathan asked, and Endril couldn't tell if he was frightened or disappointed. Knowing Jonathan it was probably the former, but one never knew. Endril, ignoring this new infatuation August had with Boromir, got up from her spot on the sharp rocks.
"Well, we've escaped the wrath of Elrond and his flood," she said.
"you sure?" whispered Aragorn, looking around in a paranoid manner.
"Yes," Endril said, hugging him, because you can never get enough Aragorn loving. "So, what happens now?"
"We save the world from Christopher Lee?" Legolas suggested.
"Nah," said Jonathan. "We should get drunk and save the world from reincarnated Egyptian overlords."
"Or perhaps," Aragorn said, looking around to make sure Elrond had gone. "We take the Paths of the Dead to Minas Tirith and wrest control of the city from that miscreant Denethor." He had a crazed look in his eyes.
"Hey!" Boromir shouted, managing to sound threatening despite his new parasite. "That's my dad you're talking about, Ranger!"
"Well, that's my kingdom your dearest daddy has!" Aragorn shouted dangerously. He did that cool book thing where he seems to grow really tall and stuff. Endril looked at him with watery eyes.
"I'm scared of Orcs. Hold my hand." She pleaded. He stared at her as if she'd gone mad. Boromir would have tried to attack Aragorn if August didn't snuggle deeper into his shoulder.
"You should wear leather…lots of tight black leather," she said happily.
"What is this new devilry?" Boromir muttered, trying to shake August off. Aragorn was still doing his 'aura of divine nobility' thing, and was looking rather frightening. In an awe-inspiring kind of way. Endril was getting dangerously close to fainting. And then Elrond quietly walked up and smacked Aragorn in the back of his head.
"OW! Ada!" Aragorn whined, suddenly no longer tall and noble but head down in obedience. Jonathan, frightened of Elrond for good reason, took a very large drink of booze and hid behind Faramir.
"You better stay away from my brother!" Ardeth commanded of Elrond, quite a brave feat. Elrond glared at him and turned back to Aragorn.
"Get back to your closet. I'll deal with you later!" Aragorn slumped off down the rocks.
"Hey! That's not NICE!" Endril yelled, kicking Elrond in the shins. Elrond didn't notice. The situation was getting desperate, as Aragorn trudged back to Rivendell. Suddenly August had a rare moment of clarity:
"Oh good God! Elrond, Keanu Reeves is eloping with your daughter!!" Endril had caught up with Aragorn and covered hi sears, ensuring that he wouldn't go into a jealous rage. Elrond however grew wrathful, and the earth trembled as he rushed off to go exact retribution on the actor who wasn't really there. ^_^.
"You know Aragorn, your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling." Boromir said thoughtfully. Faramir, concerned for his brother's well-being, was attempting to pry August off of him with little success.
"Does this mean I don't have to go back to my closet?" Aragorn asked hesitantly. He had sat down on the rocks, obviously some last demand from Elrond to 'sit and don't move from this spot or you're grounded for life,' and now he was looking around in fear of Elrond's return.
"I need a drink," Jonathan said unhappily, holding his flask upside down. It was empty.
"Well, we'll have to remedy that, won't we." Said Endril matter-of-factly. "Aragorn! We have to get Jonathan more booze! This is our quest." Aragorn nodded curtly. August mumbled something about Boromir, and a basket of puppies. Legolas shook his head sadly.
"Hey…you know what, Faramir? You be kinda hot." Endril said out of the blue.
"Okay, this is too much!" Legolas protested. "August sure, she's drunk, but Endril? I thought you loved me best!"
"Umm, Aragorn." Endril corrected gently. "Aragorn is whom I love, but you're a close second. Anyway, I was just saying it."
"August!" Jonathan said urgently. "Wake up! We have to get booze!" there was no response.
"And puppies." Boromir muttered. August became completely alert, an insane gleam in her eyes.
"Yes! Puppies! Must find puppies!" she trailed off, giggling hysterically.
"Hey, how did we fix Legolas when he was like this?" Endril asked, concerned.
"Umm…" no one could really remember this extremely important piece of information. With a sigh, Boromir stood, August attached to his back like a baby monkey, and just as hard to get off as well.
"Puppies and booze?!" Faramir asked incredulously. "That is out mission? What kind of bogus mission is this crap?!" Endril snickered.
"You said 'bogus'," she laughed. Then, with a whirl of authority, Endril faced the group.
"And we're off!" she yelled, pulling Aragorn with her. He still looked anxious about Elrond. Ardeth followed suit, as well as Jonathan (who was now humming the Fellowship Theme™ as he ran). The rest were less keen on traveling long distances for alcohol.
"Get off me!" Boromir pleaded. August kicked him.
"PONY!" she cried. Legolas sighed a weary Elf-sigh.
"August, I can run much faster than Boro-"
"PONY!!" August yelled again, and off they went.
"Brother," said Faramir as they ran. "why are we being led by a woman? You yourself have been ensnared by this-"
"Hey." August interrupted. "shut the hell up. You're not Evil Faramir, you're Good Faramir. So zip it."
"Oh." Said Faramir, and as Endril was the only one in the group to remember him and say he was cute, he decided to shut up.
"You're still cute," Endril said, giving him a hug before skipping back to the front of the line with Aragorn.
"What about meeee?" Legolas said sadly.
"You're hot, but you're an arrogant bastard." Said August. This, strangely enough, seemed to cheer him up considerably. Then, of course, Chaos ensued.
The Chaos arrived in the form of 3 metric tonnes of fish, which rained down upon the travelers like…a rain. Of fish.
"What in God's name is this?!" cried August, who was trying to use Boromir's shield as an umbrella.
"It's probably due to the flood.." said Ardeth before he was hit in the head by a tuna. Endril laughed, because as it turned out Legolas could not walk on fish, try as he might.
"Damnation! I'm an Elf, you hear me?! You can't do this to me! I'm an Elf!" Legolas yelled at somewhere in the vicinity of the clouds, shaking his fist at the sky. Aragorn looked to his brother for advice.
"Is this Elrond's doing? Is Ada searching me out with his…strange fish-minion powers?"
"Fish-minions?" Faramir asked, if anything now more confused. Jonathan swam in the fish. The meteorological anomaly however had done the good of shocking the sense back into August; she was now debating whether to try and fight the fish-storm, or cower in fear next to Boromir.
"Aragorn, do you think Anduril would be of some use against this?" Endril asked, frightened.
"Well no, but I have got a fillet knife in the scabbard…" he replied. August screamed, narrowly avoiding being run through by a falling marlin.
"This is not my doing," said Elrond, who had appeared out of nowhere. "This is an older evil. More sinister."
"More sinister than you?" Aragorn asked in awe, then remembering that his father had it in for him, nervously joined his brother a good 12 paces away from the half-Elven lord. Ardeth was currently trying to unstick Jonathan out of the sea of fish; Jonathan was making his great discomfort well known to the others by his muffled screams and shouts under the fish. The fish were quickly piling up to the point where it grew difficult to breathe. Worse yet, the fish were alive which was an extremely icky feeling. Endril was slowly losing consciousness; August was screaming incoherently and hyperventilating, and for once it wasn't because of a hot guy.
"We're gonna die!!" Boromir yelled, panicking. Legolas glared.
"PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!" The Elf prince bellowed in rage. At the same time, laser death beams sprang from his fair Elvish eyes and began vaporizing the fish.
"Jesus Christ Superstar!" August yelled in both delight and surprise. "What the hell it that!" Aragorn, seeing that Jonathan was in danger or being vaporized along with the fish, blocked a laser beam with his sword.
"For the love of God someone pay attention to him quick, before he kills us all!" Aragorn yelled in an impressive moment of bravery.
"No! If we pay attention to him, we'll be buried alive in fish!" Endril protested.
"Buried Alive!!" Faramir said in an ominous voice. Aragorn growled (yes, growled, he's entitled) and began pushing Legolas forward to vaporize a path though the fish.
"Go forth, son of Thranduil," said Elrond in an imperious voice. "For in the West lie people who will pay attention to you."
"They had Better." Legolas said darkly, still burning a path with his Laser Death Vision™. Aragorn looked sadly at his sword, currently in the process of melting.
"ANDURIL!" He cried out in a pain-filled voice. "Not again!"
"Oh, don't be a baby," Elrond said angrily, as his frocks were getting fishy-smelling and greasy.
"I hate fish," Jonathan said sullenly. Within minutes the rest of the fish were vaporized into nothingness, and all that remained of the incident was a terrible smell.
"Thank GOD that's all over," Boromir said, which of course, jinxed their good luck because the ground began to rumble ominously.
" What NOW?!" Aragorn said bitterly, still weeping over Anduril.
"Eesh," said August, who snapped her fingers. In a puff of smoke, the sword was restored. " So what're we fighting NOW?" The cloud of dust which bore down on the group quickly revealed it to be a horde of rabid fangirls.
"Oh good GOD." Said Aragorn in utter terror. Ardeth trembled, and Legolas actually looked glad to see the mob.
"Well, if we stay by Boromir, we should be safe," Endril logicked. "No one likes him."
"HEY!" he shouted in protest. But Endril DID have a valid point. Faramir unused to such obsession was spazzing out.
"August! Elrond! Do either of you have any, I dunno, defensive magic?" Jonathan asked. He too was frightened, because for once in his life he was sober.
"Um…no," said August. "no time." Elrond nodded in agreement.
"We're doooomed," the Elf lord said bitterly.
"But I don't WANT to die!" Jonathan cried. "Doesn't ANYONE have any booze?!?!"
"I think Boromir IS the safest," August agreed, after examining the group. "Most in danger, DEFINENTLY Aragorn and Legolas." Aragorn shivered, and Legolas beamed in pride.
"And the rest of you aren't exactly unloved," Endril pointed out. Fans were launching themselves in deadly pursuit of Ardeth, Faramir, and even Elrond and Jonathan.
"Fuck," Endril said, giving the entire situation in one word. On a second thought, two words. "Holy Fuck," she said again.
"We're doomed…," August said sadly. "We need a miracle."
"We NEED a weapon of mass destruction," said Endril, getting angry that so many fangirls were chasing after Aragorn.
"I'm an under appreciated character!!" Boromir whined.
"None of these maniacs love me!"
"Wait, that's it!" August
cried. "We need an unappreciated
character! We need….. (dramatic pause) SMAUG."
"But… what about me?" Boromir thought. "I thought that's where this was going!"
"Some other time, another day, my dear," August said absent-mindedly.
"SMAUG?!" said Jonathan, shivering despite the fact he didn't know who it was. OR maybe that was the withdrawal from the booze. It was probably the booze, I'm guessing. Or the scary fangirls chasing after him. Legolas and Aragorn now appeared to be crowd-surfing.
" I COULD summon that evil," said Elrond. "But he would not hesitate in destroying both Legolas and Elessar." August frowned, and then quickly stole Boromir's shield.
"Okay, we get Legolas to grab Aragorn and shield-surf outta there," she said, managing to toss the armament to Legolas. Elrond, go do your stuff."
"My shield!" cried Boromir. He was getting terribly upset.
"Shouldn't….shouldn't I fight?" Aragorn asked hesitantly, a hand on his sword.
"Don't you give me that lip, young man," Elrond said sternly. Ardeth put a hand on his brother's shoulder.
"The fangirls would tear you to shreds. There are too many of them, my brother."
"We never did cover this whole 'brother' thing," he said uneasily. Legolas was disagreeing.
"Hey, why run away? They adore me!" he said. "Let Estel take care of himself! I aint scurred of no dragon or fangirls or nuttin'."
"You know what? I'm sick of your snotty attitude, Elf boy," said August angrily. After another Bewitched-like snapping sequence, Legolas was replaced by a very large, VERY angry red dragon. Smaug began a rampage.
"Where'd Legolas go?" Faramir asked in awe. The dragon roared angrily and flew into the sky, killing fangirls left and right. The dragon didn't seem to bother aiming, as soon fire was raining down on the group as well. Boromir ran, and so did everyone else, Endril dragging Aragorn and Jonathan in tow.
"August! What have you done? Elrond yelled as his frock caught on fire, and Ardeth put it out quickly.
"Shut up and let me think! Arrg, how many fangirls are left?" she asked as they ran.
"About a third," said Endril. August snapped Legolas' back, and the Elf Prince fell a few hundred feet onto the crowd of fangirls.
"You know what? Leave him. He'll be okay." She said grimly. "I motion we get the hell out of here."
"I second that motion," said Jonathan. " I need booze!!" Unfortunately Smaug was now angry, and within minutes he was back. The fangirls screamed, momentarily happy with their prize of the pretty Elf-boy, but soon began to break away, torn between their love for Legolas and the fear of death. Some fangirls began to catch up to the fleeing group. One rugby-tackled Aragorn's legs, bringing him down.
"ADA! Endril! Ardeth!" he yelped as the fangirls smothered her new prize in kisses. "Some-one help me! I would rather be at Smaug's hands than with fangirls!" All the flailing caught the attention of Smaug, who let forth a mighty bellow of fire.
Consequently Legolas's and Aragorn's hair caught on fire.
"NOOOOOO! Not my hair!" Aragorn screamed.
"ARRRRGGG! I'm RUINED! I was soooooo PRETTY, dammit!" Legolas screamed before the fangirls helpfully put the fires out. August snapped her fingers once more, and Smaug was finally gone once again. Endril pulled Aragorn to his feet , and August sighed. A good handful of fangirls remained.
"Now leave Legolas. At least he'll be happy here," she said.
"Now I really need something to drink!" Jonathan said.
"Fine, let's go before you forget me again," Faramir grumbled.
"But how will we get to a place with liquor quickly?" Aragorn pondered, for he too was now in need of a drink.
"Road trip, kids." August said as a silver humvee appeared out of nowhere. "Hop in, we're going to Mirkwood." Suddenly Satch also appeared out of nowhere and called shotgun, which was interesting because there actually was a shotgun mounted on the side of the car.
"This metal monster is even more terrifying than Jonathan's!" Boromir said stubbornly. "I refuse to get in this death-machine!"
"Agreed," Aragorn said, poking the side of the car gently with Anduril. "We've let you two otherworlders talk us into all sorts of strange things, but this is too much!"
"DON'T SCRATCH IT!" August screeched as Faramir also touched the humvee.
"Well, I'm in!" said Jonathan excitedly, jumping into the humvee. "Can we go fast? Can I drive?"
"You're sober, remember? What fun'll that be?" Satch said, giving Jonathan a hello hug.
"Would you get in the damn car?" August said as she climbed in, Endril sitting in the front, between Satch & August.
"Fine," sulked Boromir. Aragorn sighed.
"As long as I don't have to sit next to Ada." He gave in. So Aragorn, Boromir, Ardeth, Faramir, and Elrond all got into the humvee, and August stepped on the gas.
"The fangirls are still coming!" Elrond shouted. "Do something!"
"Get the 50 up!!" August roared in a good imitation of Tom Sizemore. Aragorn looked up in confusion.
"What's a 50?" he asked. August turned around for an instant, gesturing to the machine gun mounted on top of the car. "It's a very advanced piece of weaponry," Endril explained. "I doubt you'd be able to-" But Aragorn and Boromir were already engaged in a bitter deathmatch over the gun. And by deathmatch, I mean a rugged, manly catfight. Eventually Aragorn prevailed (again) and began madly spraying the mob with bullets.
"No fair!" Boromir whined. August glared, swerved, and barely missed a tree.
"Shut up and feed him the ammunition, Boromir." The insane (trigger happy) rampage continued as Ardeth laughed giddily, Faramir and Elrond cowered in fear, and Jonathan pouted.
"Take that, you bastards!" Aragorn yelled as everything in his path got filled full of bullet holes. He even let out a 'yahoo!' for good measure. He wildly fired here and there, as he had trouble aiming, and was cutting a path through the fangirls.
"Yippie-kai-yay!" Endril whooped, jumping up on Aragorn's back as he fired every which way.
"Die, fangirls, die!" she cried out happily.
"Evil rampage!" Jonathan cried, perking up just a little.
"Giant spider!!" August screamed as the humvee hit something large and squishy.
"GAAAAAAAH!!!" Jonathan screeched in horror. "Not SPIDERS!" Faramir managed to find a flamethrower on his side of the vehicle, and began frying the arachnid in question.
"Tree!!" Endril yelled, and August swerved again.
"CAVE!" yelled Boromir, as the entire car pitched into what turned out to be the underground wine cellar of Thranduil, king of Mirkwood.
"Booze!" yelled Jonathan excitedly, jumping from the humvee and opening a bottle of yummy looking wine and gulping it down quite fast. His hair looked mussed and his cheeks were ruddy and warm. "Thank GOD!"
"Our mission is completed," Ardeth said, doing the Royal Numenorean Blessing. "My brother has been rescued, and booze found."
"Don't think you're out of trouble now, young man." Elrond scolded Aragorn.
"There aren't enough closets here for you to lock me up, Ada. Anyway, Thranduil doesn't particularly like you, remember?" Aragorn said lightly.
"Oh," said Elrond, paling. "Shit." Jonathan was fast becoming incredibly intoxicated, and Legolas (who had showed up out of nowhere, still wearing the lounge jacket) was taunting him.
"Ha, you can't handle good Mirkwood wine, Jon!" he said, laughing. August was attempting to break into a case of red wine, but Faramir was holding her back.
"No, I'm not gonna let you get drunk again and molest my brother!" he yelled.
"Oh, let her have her fun," said Endril. "I can take blackmail pictures.
"Aren't I more likely to say that?" Satch asked. August glared at her.
"Shut up and go apologize to Vito." She growled. And Satch left the group. Dejectedly. "And good riddance!" August yelled as she took a swig (we would like to take one moment to say that we don't encourage the drinking of minors…we don't drink, you shouldn't either) of the wine. Jon grinned as he opened another bottle.
"Hold my wine? Why in God's name would I want to hold my wine?" Jonathan asked of Legolas, passing the bottle to his friend. "Let's get drunk!"
"Cheers!" Endril said to Aragorn. "No more closets for you!" This statement was true, as Elrond had hightailed it out of there, fearing the wrath of Thranduil. (Whom everyone knew was even more embittered than Elrond, because everyone ignored him.)
"If only there were some good cheese and crackers…" August said wistfully.
"Legolash, be a dear and get the lady shome fooood." Said Boromir, who also couldn't hold his liquor.
"Good lord, this is getting disturbing," said Endril as she observed the scene. "Aragorn, I need to get drunk." Jonathan stuffed a bottle into her hands. Aragorn glanced around for Elrond, stuck out his tongue, and drank a good half of the bottle, handing the rest to Endril. The room was filled with giggling. Endril and Aragorn were having a slap fight, and Boromir was doing a striptease.
"Wooo!" August catcalled, and the entire group got up and did a dance to Elrond's scary disco music. Hey. ABBA is not scary disco music. Um…it is when ELROND sings it. Oh good GOD. O_o! August fainted. Because of the wine or the song? The song. And the wine. And the shirtless Boromir. Hehe. Endril faints because everybody be really hot. True. So an hour later, everyone was passed out, and Legolas probably had alcohol poisoning. Endril and Aragorn were snuggled together on a couch, and someone really should have taken a picture. If anyone was awake. But August couldn't as she was too busy being unconscious, bottle of wine still clutched in her hand. It had been a long, long day, and they would spend three getting over the effects of it.
And then, owing to the need to finish this damn chapter, they were every one of them trampled to death by llamas.
THE END.
…But it will be continued, honest.