Senselessness and Sensitivity
Disclaimer. I hereby disclaim everything. Except my apocalypse hoodie. That's mine, all mine!
Behold the final chapter! Twists, turns and intrigues….
The organ droned out a slow melody as Miss Hermione Granger, greatly resembling a lemon meringue pie, sashayed up the isle. She turned around; Ginny in jade robes that perfectly suited her colouring gave Sir Malfoy a coy glance as they passed the pew in which the gentleman was seated. Mrs Weasley witnessed the glance also, for her the hue of her face darkened into a very unbecoming scarlet. For despite the fact that the whole of the town knew about the scandalous romance of the Weasley girl and young Malfoy heir, she was no less resigned to it.
But on this particular day, it was Hermione who was conducting a romance, it might as well be called that for seems to be no fitter term for it and weddings are generally considered to be romantic things. Yet Hermione did not feel romantic in the slightest as she stepped up to the altar next to the greasy, black-clad, elderly figure of Count Severus Snape. She stared resolutely at the floor as he displayed his rotting teeth.
The priest began 'Dearly beloved, we are gathered here'. Miss Granger did not hear a word. The priest turned first to Snape. 'Count Severus Salazar Sebastian Sanctimonious Snape, do you take Miss Hermione Louise Granger to be your lawful wedded wife?'
'I do' he replied, sneaking a lustful look at the virginal Hermione.
'Miss Hermione Louise Granger, do you take Count Severus Salazar Sebastian Sanctimonious Snape to be your lawful wedded husband'. Hermione shuddered.
'I do'.
'I now pronounce you husband and…'
The door to the church burst open as a figure riding a chestnut horse, charged up to the altar. He leapt down gracefully from his mount and swept Miss Granger into his arms, planting a passionate kiss on her open mouth.
The congregation gasped, who could this dashing, suave, debonair stranger be? The question was answered as the gentleman threw off his hat to reveal none other than Lord Ronald Weasley.
There was silence as he got down on one knee, holding the damsel's pale hand in his own, saying 'Hermione my darling, will you marry me?'
Hermione wrung her hands, 'Ronald, how can you ask me that when you abandoned me so cruelly?'
'Darling, I can explain!' There was a pause.'
'Go on then.'
He cleared his throat loudly, and began. 'On the day that I was to be wedded to you, I had a letter from the Ministry of Magic informing me that my skilled assistance was urgently needed, He Who Must Not Be Named was rumoured to be in the area, and was employing his trusty servant Wormtail in the guise of a person of the town. I spent the next months secretly surveying all the residents of Ottery St Catchpole, but it was only until a week ago that I discovered the culprit.' He strode to the centre of the aisle and pointed straight at …………………………………
Mrs Weasley.
The congregation gasped. 'How did I know I hear you ask?'. No one in fact had queried this but I'm sure you'd like to know, wouldn't you?
'Well, I had a piece of information from a certain Vincent Crabbe. When he and Mrs Weasley were, hmm, canoodling, he noticed something very odd. She told him to indulge in certain activities which would only apply if she possessed certain 'lower appendages'. Now ladies and gentleman I am an expert in this field and so this was my main clue. After that the rest fell into place. It was the perfect person to be. Close to the closet friends of Harry Potter himself. Head of the Weasley family since her husband's death at the hands of Voldemort and intimate with Miss Hermione Granger. All that remains then is the proof, for I think that in all the rush of the wedding Peter Pettigrew has forgotten to take his Polyjuice potion.'
Everyone turned to the figure of Mrs Weasley who leapt up, 'Ha ha! Fools! Voldemort will return and then vengeance with be wrought upon those who hate him!' And he apparated.
Lord Ronald, seemingly unperturbed by the fact that the person who he had been chasing for months had been right under his very nose only to escape; turned to a white faced Hermione.
'My Darling, can you forgive me?'
'Oh Ronald!' Gasped Hermione as she fell into Lord Weasley's arms.
After some considerable 'canoodling', they broke away as Lord Weasley said,
'Then my little pixie, let us be wed, here, now!'
But Count Snape was not going to relinquish his bride that easily. 'I beg your pardon, Lord, but I am already married to Miss Gra…Countess Snape!'
The priest coughed. 'Well, um, actually, you are not officially married till I say the last, um, bit.'
The Count glared at him, but was pushed out of the way and Lord Weasley, taking Miss Granger by the arm, stepped up to the altar. The priest, dispensing with the first part, went straight to, ' Do you, Lord Ronald Timmy Weasley take Miss Hermione Granger to...'
Suddenly a female voice shouted out from the crowd, 'Stop!' The priest groaned as Miss Ginny Weasley, hand in hand with Sir Malfoy, rushed up to the altar. 'Marry us too, now that mama is gone we are free!'
'But Miss Weasley, where is your real mother?'
At that moment, Mrs Weasley appeared in the aisle with a 'pop'. She ran up to the altar, 'Oh my darling, I've been so worried!'
'Mother, is it really you?'
'Of course darling! Who else would know that you have six toes on your left foot!'
'Mama!'
Sir Malfoy coughed. 'Mrs Weasley, may I beg the hand in marriage of your lovely daughter?'
'How much do you earn?' She asked, her eyes narrowing.
'Ten thousand a year ma'am.' Before adding under his breath, ' Well, legally, that is.' Mrs Weasley clapped her hands, 'Then may God give you joy!'
And so the two happy couples stepped up to the altar, and finally were married. There was great jubilation, and halfway through the wedding banquet Harry Potter burst in,
'Lord Voldemort is dead!' So everyone was awfully cheerful.
Needless to say, the couples lived happily ever after and even Count Snape found solace in the pug face of the very energetic Pansy Parkinson.