~*~ Beyond Smiles And Tears ~*~
Author's Note: Read this while listening to "Her Most Beautiful Smile"
-----------------------------------------~*~KENSHIN~*~-----------------------------------------
"If I could become the snow, I would surround you in a cool embrace.", you said. I wonder, how could you say that to me? I, the killer of your fiancé, the wounder of your heart, and the thief of your happiness. How could you? I have always wondered, was it a good thing that we actually met each other? Or was it a bad luck that you met me?
That night in the bloody streets of Kyoto, I was stunned, seeing you stand there inaudibly, that I could not move a muscle when you looked at me with your ebony eyes. I thought that I was not thinking properly when I brought you to the Kohagi inn, but now I knew more that I realised I was thinking properly for once in years, that I did not kill you. The next morning, I was completely frantic when I saw that you were not in my room anymore. Yet it was not out of concern with your well-being, but out of worry that you would go and tell people who the Hitokiri really is. And I do not want to die just because of my recklessness of not finishing a silent witness.
You asked if I would kill you like the dark samurai I cleaved if you had a sword in your hand, and I said that I wouldn't kill you even if you were armed. That no matter if whatever happens, I would never kill you, ever, but I killed you nonetheless. I broke my vow, and I still regret it until now. Sometimes I would ask myself, why didn't I open my eyes, so that I could get you out of the way? Why didn't I stop my death blow from killing you? If only…if only… All I could do now is say…if only you did not die…if…
Iizuka had said that when one is wounded by a katana, the wound will never heal until the person who has injured one, has forgiven him. That scar, the one that Kiyosato made has stopped bleeding after you added another one on it. Yet whenever I think about you, Katsura-san, Kasumi, Akane, and Sakura, the scar would suddenly bleed again, and that made me think. Have you forgiven me for what I've done to you? Or maybe I should ask whether you have forgiven me for what I've done to Kiyosato or not?
I heard you talking with the landlady once, about the irises you bought from the flower shop. She said that you resemble the irises, as irises thrived more in the rain than in the sun, even if the rain is the rain of blood. I think she was refering to the chaos I, and the other ishinshishi were trying to keep up, while you were trying to be the anchor of all the disarray and confusion. She was right, in my opinion, you were the anchor, my anchor. I am grateful that you were there to make me sane and alive as a human being once more for years. If it was not because of you, I might have still been the battousai I was.
Thank you, that you have saved me from insanity and have given me love and shelter through all the things that have been my nightmare for years. Even if, I have stolen the only happiness you have ever felt in your whole life, I hope you would forgive me. And forgive me for falling in love with someone else after you.
Do you know Kaoru? Perhaps you have seen her in one of your dreams when you sleep at night? Perhaps you have seen her face while you lay dying in my arms? Or perhaps you already know that I will someday find someone else to anchor myself to? However you might come to know her, all I ask of you now is only one. Please be happy for us, that is all.
As I stood in front of your cross with a bouquet of irises, I hope you would look at me with tears of joy, knowing that I am not alone anymore. I hope you would not look at me with fury and anger for I have finally found someone else to pour my love to. Kaoru, she is everything but you, and I cannot seem to figure out how I could come to love her after I loved you. She is all open-minded, cheerful, noisy, bright, and…happy. That is the keyword, happy. I have not seen you laugh. Is it because you were filled with so much grief that you couldn't even grin? Or was it because of me? Was it because that I was so laden with burden that you could not laugh for me?
She was like thousands upon thousands of swirling waves in the sea crashing together on the shore at the same time if to be compared to you, as a still and unruffled lake. Yet I should say that the sea Kaoru was, is full of swimming fishes and crawling crabs, and your lake dead and lifeless. Yet again, it might be because of me, that you became lifeless and sorrowful.
" I don't care about your past." she had said, " Let's go home together…". I now have a home to go to, Tomoe. I do not have to be a wanderer anymore, how about you? You said to me that you were a lost cat, so have you found a home? Are you happy with Kiyosato there? I hope you are. Wait for me when all of this is over. When I could meet you there, at the end of this road of my life. When I will show you to Kaoru. And when she would teach you how to laugh, to grin, and to be truly happy.
She is everything but you. Everything but refined and proper. She has always been so bright, so angry, so emotional, and so unpredictable, so I love her. There is something about you, that I could not seem to get my eyes off you. Yet there is something about Kaoru that I could not get my head off her. I thank you for breaking all the barriers I have built during my time of being a Battousai. And I thank Kaoru for sweeping all the traces of the barrier away and growing a fence of flowers around me.
Be happy for me, please? I know that I am undeserving of your smile and your forgiveness after all I have done, but do this one thing for me. Be happy, and smile always. Even laugh if you feel like it, because I have never seen you laughing, and I hope I could at the end of the road. Thank you, and good bye. Until later, I promise you this; never will we meet in an alley while it was raining blood no more, and now I'm sure that it was a good thing that we met, since I do not know whether I would meet Kaoru if I did not meet you…
~*~ ~*~
~*~
~*~
~*~
~*~
~*~
--…Okaerinasai, Kenshin…-- ~*~
~*~ --…You now have a home to go to…--
~*~
~*~ ~*~
~*~
~*~
~*~
~*~
~*~
Author's Note: Phiuuh. At last the second chapter is finished! I spent three straight hours on this, writing it, rewriting, revising, writing, rewriting, and revising again. I like this second chapter a lot, so please respect it! : ) I like quotes very much, so I think I will be putting quotes like that (above) for every chapter. What do you think? Anyways, thank you so much for all the reviews I got! I thank you for your time in reading my fic and my babbling in here. And I thank you much more for reviewing the last chapter! You guys rock in making reviews! : )* Okaerinasai means somekind of 'welcome home' in Japanese.
Remember, reviews are writers' spiritual food, so don't get writers starving or they wouldn't write more fics! n_n