~*~ Beyond Smiles And Tears ~*~
Disclaimer: All characters, events, and places mentioned in this fic are copyright or the original author Nobuhiro Watsuki. All credits are given to Viz comics, Shounen Jump, and other copyright holders.
Author's Note: Read this while listening to "Her Most Beautiful Smile"
-----------------------------------------~*~KAORU~*~-----------------------------------------
She was the perfect samurai's daughter. I mean, the Yamato Nadeshiko in your life, I should say. She is proper, gentle, feminine, and devoted, yet she is also strong, and able to take care of the household. I could say much more about her, yet I just could not bear admitting that she was much better than I am. It is no wonder that you fell in love with her, yet to think that you fell in love with me, is just hilarious. I am improper, rough, and noisy. I am strong since I can use the shinai, yet in womanly values, I am so low because I could not even use the geta easily.
A shame for her husband, people would say, that I could not walk properly with getas which are supposed to prove my gracefulness. Yet I do not care whether people think, since I have my own values. I mastered the Kamiya style while I am still young, and I am determined to do things I want. I do not care whether I am graceful or not, because that is not my subject in life, I rather choose martial arts. My father did not care whether I am feminine or not, and I myself do not care about that. Yet…I wonder, maybe you do care whether your wife is graceful or not. Maybe you do care whether your wife is feminine or not.
If so…then what should I do to prove that I am worthy of you? Everytime you look at me, I am happy that there will always be the glint of joy in your violet-blue eyes. Everytime you call my name, somehow I could hear the unspoken words from your lips, saying 'I love you'. Yet all those looks from your eyes, all those words spoken by you, and all those things you do for me just made me feel more unworthy of your love.
You are the famous Hitokiri Battousai who could kill a tall and muscular man twice your size in a single effortless slash. You are the foremost front of the Chonsu Ishinshishi's plans. People look for help in you, yet from me, what do people look for? What is there in me that people could look for? There is nothing. I have nothing to give, to have, or to share with. But you, you have so much to give, you have so much, and you shared so many things with us, and yet, you still have so much more yet to be shared.
I don't think I could ever be worthy of you. No matter what I do, I could never be worthy enough for you to love me. But she, she is worthy of yours. The only thing that is a pity for both of you, is that you first met in the midst of the rain of blood, and that your untainted love was built on top of blood, grief, and war. We met in the daylight, and our relationship was built on swirling tornados and twisting emotions.
You should know, though. That my life has always been confusing and twisted with so many emotions to handle at once and so little time before another emotions is added to the list. My life has always been like the puberty period of a teenager, and hers has always been kept still and tranquil. Even if I somehow know that beyond her mask of composure, lies a storm of emotions that raged within her thoughts, she always managed to keep calm on the outside, not wanting anyone else to have pity on her. Yet I, on the other hand has always been dragging people to my personal problems for them to solve it for me.
If I was to compare between her and me, I would say that I am like a puppy that just couldn't keep still, and she is a full-grown cat, graceful and agile in her every gesture. I am not able to say more about the differences between her and me, it is just too painful. Pain. Is that what you always felt in you life after you became the battousai? Was she able to sooth it with her presence? Am I able to heal it?
Weird. It is awfully weird how life works. It has always been the one trouble you could not solve that you would face in life, not the other troubles you could solve easily. I wonder why couldn't you just be annoying and unsociable, rather than you caring and sympathetic about me yet not loving me. Or you could be pathetic and has always relied on me for safety, rather than I, relying on your skill in swords yet you protected me only out of gratitude that I had let you stay in my dojo.
Huff…it looks like Kaoru could not just get to the point before walking around and around first. After all that I have said in this letter, there is still one more thing I want you to know from me then just knowing that I am jealous to death with Tomoe. One important thing you should keep in your mind after reading this, is that…is that…I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul and everything. You can ask anything of me and I will look for eternity long to find and give it to you. You can say anything, do anything and I will still love you no less.
When you are sorrowful and full of remorse, know that my shoulder will always be there for you to cry on. When you are happy and succesful, know that I will always be there to be happy for you. When you are filled with anguish and you were out of hope, I will give you hope and will cheer you up. When you are lonely and scared, I will always be there to embrace you and hush you cries up. And when your burden is weighing heavily on you, I will always be there to share that burden with you. Even if you might not love me, I will always be there to love you for eternity long and maybe still more.
Seems that that is all I am able to say to you. Know this, though, that all these words I have written for you to see is no lie. All these phrases I made is not fake, and all these sentences I formed are not based on fiction. Rather, all of this is true. I don't care whether you love her or me, or both of us, I will still love you. That, you should know, Kenshin.
--That farewell in Kyoto…--
--…shall be the last time when he would leave me behind.--
Author's Note: Well, I think this should be it, the final chapter. But if any of you who read this fic and thought that this fic will and does not make any difference to anyone's perspective, and you think that I need to write one more chapter or I need to revise and change or add some words to it, please let em know through e-mail or review.
PS: This fic is meant to make people see that Tomoe does love Kenshin with all her heart, and she wants him to be happy even after her own death. She is no obstacle between Kaoru and Kenshin's love since she died a long time ago before Kenshin and Kaoru met. The dream Kenshin had about Tomoe saying that the one who wants his smile the most is still waiting for him, and that he should wake up quickly and meet her had showed me that Tomoe wished Kenshin his happiness, and even if she does love Kenshin, she is willing to give him up for Kaoru if it meant his happiness. Also, that dream proved that she is no obstacle between Kenshin and Kaoru, and she is not willing to be one, as she supported their relationship. So, all K/K fans and even the die-hard fans have no right to bash Tomoe, make fun of her, or even make her the antagonist of K/K romance stories. Those fans do, however, have the right to hate her because Kenshin won't forget her fo Kaoru or for any other reason, but they should not bash her, since it is not her fault that Kenshin fell in love with her and married her.
* Yamato Nadeshiko refers to a sort of idealized figure of a woman who is considered highly-valued in Japan society. For example is, well, Tomoe since she has the pale skin, soft-spoken, and is skilled in Calligraphy and flower arranging.
* Shinai is the wooden-sword Kaoru uses.
* Getas are sets of sandals that women in Japan used. It is usualy made out of wood and is kind of elevated for about five centimetres or more from the ground. It is supposed to make women who wear it looks graceful, it could be compared to today's high-heeled sandals. About Kaoru not being able to use it properly is only fictional, and is taken from the fic 'Kaoru's Tumble' by BishieKeith. Credits are given to the author.