~*~ Beyond Smiles And Tears ~*~
Disclaimer: All characters, events, and places mentioned in this fic are copyright or the original author Nobuhiro Watsuki. All credits are given to Viz comics, Shounen Jump, and other copyright holders.
Author's Note: Read this while listening to "Her Most Beautiful Smile"
-----------------------------------------~*~KENSHIN~*~-----------------------------------------
Beyond all the things I have done for you and beyond all the things you have done for me, was there the same reason for doing it? In the beginning, I did those things for you out of guilt and respect as you were my landlady. Yet as time passes, that motive changed into care and the sense of family. And now, I think I would have done it out of love. You have been my sunshine that keeps on shining whether it was raining or not. You have been my shelter whether it was sunny or not. And most of all, you have been my anchor through the torrent of life.
Tomoe was my anchor before she left. She stepped into my life so suddenly, held my hands so tensely and disappeared into the darkness just as sudden as she came. I met her in the midst of the bleeding rain, yet I met you in the midst of daylight. Was it fate that brought me and her together and bad luck that brought us apart? Or was it bad luck that brought us together and fate that tore us apart? Or was it only because I met her when one's life was taken that her life should be taken too? What if I had met her in the full light of the day? Would she lay dying in my arms too? Would she?
If I had not met you, I would have wished that she is still alive, but now that I met you, my eyes were opened for the very first time. After her death, there was nothing I could do than mourn, cry, mourn, cry, mourn some more and cry some more. Nothing else. Nothing else that I could think of. I have once thought about killing myself so that I could meet her again, yet one thought entered my mind as I was pondering, Why should I be killing myself and giving up on life already when Tomoe could stand up straight again after mourning over her fiancé's death and face life once more. I know that it would be hard, and I started by crawling, then walking slowly while stumbling again and again until I can walk up straight like I used to before I became the battousai.
Before I knew you, I thought that I shouldn't have get back up again as there is nothing for me to live for. Yet as people would say, I did not know what's around the next corner, and I would need to walk to the corner before peeking over it. Do you know what I found? I found you. Yes, you. The new anchor. The new sunshine. The new shelter. The new girl who would enter my life and turn it upside down and over sideways.
I could not say who is better, you or Tomoe. Both of you are not the same, both of you are women and both of you have changed my life in a way. Yet I could not compare you to Tomoe or Tomoe to you. Both of you are too different, the rain and the sunshine, the fire and the ice, the black and the white, the torrent and the lake. There is no way I could compare you.
Tomoe was cold and more reserved than you. Yet to me, she acted as if she had known me for a lifetime and would share everything she would not share with anybody else, I did the same to her too by then. She smiled at me, she cried on my shoulders and when I held her minutes before she died, she was humane, more humane than she could ever be. Iizuka told me that he thinks Tomoe is like a beautiful statue from chalk, it could be seen and admired, but you should not touch it or it would break.
And as for you, I treated you just like I treated her even more delicate as I fear you would disappear just as she did. At first, I did not want to get too close to you or even call you by your name. You insisted that I should call you by your name, though, and in fear that you might leave me if I turned down your request, I did. You told me that I should stay, and I did. You wanted me to help you work, and I did. You would have guessed that I would do just everything you wanted me to do, and you were right and yet wrong.
Did you know that I did all those things for you out of fear? But it was not out of fear that I have toward you, not something like that. It was a fear that someone would get hurt because of me again, and I do not want that to ever happen again. I did not want you to follow me to Edo when I had to fight Shishio, because I feared that you might end up like Tomoe. That you might die by my blade again, between me and my opponent. I build a barrier around you so that no one would be able to hurt you, unknown to me then, you were hurt because I did not take you with me.
You tore down the barriers I built for you and ran to me, embracing me from the back, and said, "I'll always be with you, no matter what, I'll always be by your side." And I was touched beyond words. You did not say it, I know, but from your deeds, you actually did. I do not know whether Tomoe would say the same thing if she was to be in your position or not, but one thing for sure, she would not do the same thing you did. She would have worked behind the scene and manipulated Shishio's gang somehow, but she would not have followed me to Edo. She would never.
As I said, she was different than you. She was nothing like you and you, her. Don't ask why I loved you both, because I myself am confused. I just do not know how or why. But I know one thing, though, the way I loved you both, is different. I loved her as an artisan would to his most wonderful of creation. I cherished her and I would protect her with my very body and soul. I would die for her time and time again if once is not enough. I would suffer anything so that she would not suffer it. I would never bear to see her hurt or scratched, because I loved her so much.
But you, I love you like a father would to a daughter, or like a brother to a sister, but it does not mean that I love you less than I do Tomoe. I would do anything to see you safe and I would also do anything to see you unharmed. But I would not do the same to you like I did to Tomoe. I would not give my life away for you I you do not want it. I would let you just be if you do not want me to protect you, I would suffer anything for you, but would not if you do not want me to. I would never bear to see you hurt or harmed in any way, but I would let you be if you want to go to harm's way, because I loved you so much.
Now you tell me which one is better; my love for Tomoe or for you? I could not tell myself and so I want you to decide yourself. But know this, in my heart, there will always be a place where Tomoe would always live on, she opened me up and guided me through life, keeping my sanity. If not for her, I would not have lived until this day, I would not have met you and I would not have Kenji. She would alwayd be remembered as my first wife and the woman who loved the battousai.
You will always have a place in my heart too, and you place will always be full of love, happiness and joy. You lifted me up from my sorrow and washed all my guilt away. You cleaned up after Tomoe who crumbled my barrier. Tomoe wiped the tears off my face and you put a smile on it. She showed me what love is and you gave it to me. What could I say? I love you both, but for now, I should say I love you and I loved Tomoe. But again, she will always be in my heart, but you will always have my heart with you. Always.
I never thought I deserve someone like you or Tomoe. I never thought that I would deserve anything but a black and white world, yet Tomoe slapped me on the face and destroyed all the things I held on to before while you showed me all the beautiful things in the world that I have not seen before. You showed me what a family is, you showed me what peace feels like and you showed me a world where bloodshed is not needed. Mostly, you showed me what life is, and I owe you that and more.
Kaoru, please forgive me for what I said. Forgive me that I admit to you that I cannot choose over you or Tomoe, that I cannot make a decision you would have wished to hear. Yet this is all I could get out of me and this is all I could show you, I cannot think of anything else to say. This is all. I owe you so much and saying this just made me owe you an amend, but I hope you would give me time to pay all this back to you. In return, I will protect you and Kenji, I will love you with all I am, I will do anything you want me to do out of love. I will be myself and yours, I hope that is enough because, I still owe much to Tomoe too. And in the end of my road, I will have to pay it back. I just hope that me not a killer anymore is enough and I dare say, it would be a very happy ending indeed.
I will show you Tomoe and I am sure you will like her, and she will show me the real Kiyosato as she saw him. We will all be so happy. In the end, all sorrows and past mistakes will be forgotten. In the end, I will be clean again from blood and perhaps then, I will be good enough for you. For you and for Tomoe.
"I will stay forever here with you,My love.
The softly spoken words you gave me,
Even in death our love goes on,
And I can't love you, anymore than I do."
-- Sarah McLachlan, Even In Death
*-~`-~.-~*~fin~*~-.~-`~-*
Author's Note: I'm sorry to have kept you waiting for so long, but I thought that I uploaded the last chapter already! This will be the last chapter because I think that the third chapter was not very conclusive and the story somehow hung in the middle of nowhere, so I made this chapter to drag the former chapters back down! :) I thank you for all your supports because you guys are the ones who kept me going even if I felt like the worst writer ever, I can thank you no less than this and I hope you guys will always like Rurouni Kenshin or at least remember it, RK 4eva!!! : P
PS: I'm planning on editing the chapters and revising them again, but I will need some help from beta-readers who would want to volunteer. If anyone is interested, please tell me in your review or you can e-mail me at orcinusorca988@hotmail.com. Thank you.