Title: Bed Of Lies
Rating: PG, shounen-ai and 1 curse word
Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and the song isn't mine either. ^^ So AKA Kuroi owns nothing! :P
Author Notes: I just felt that I could relate to shuichi in a way and I wrote about it really. I've kinda been through the whole 'cold-hearted b/f' thing and I basically spelled it out for him and we came to a conclusion. So. *ahem* this little ficceh was born and I'm not exactly sure where I wanna take this or if I just wanna leave it here.......I'll see what I'm gunna do by my responses. This is slightly OOC in my opinion, sorry.
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Oh God am I nervous. My hands were sweating as I fidgeted nervously with the bottom of my short black top and my legs felt like jelly as I stood their looking out from behind the curtains backstage. I couldn't even hear our opening out, it was like somebody had hit a giant mute button for the whole world. Performing was my dream, my life, but this wasn't a performance like any other that I had ever done. No, this performance decided everything for me. I don't mean that my career rode on this and I don't mean that Bad Luck would benefit from this, but this was what was going to decided MY fate and where the rest of my life outside of Bad Luck was going. I had already sworn that no matter what the result I would not let Bad Luck be affected and that I would continue to persue my dreams.
I thought that if I just pretended, just pushed it all inside that it'd seem like everything was ok. Well it did seem that way until that day when it all resurfaced. It was one of these night where everything seems surreal to you, you realize that you've never had it so good, that all this time, all this emotion and passion; this is the highlight of your love. It was so amazing and astounding in my eyes, I'd never thought that I would ever be asked, by my given name, to sleep in my lover's bed with him without having sex. At the time I was in complete euphoria, it wasn't until the next morning I realized what that meant. I had spent seven years of my life giving everything I had and surrendering my every need and want to make Eiri happy. And after seven long, emotion wrecking years of devotion and love, I realized that the highlight had been being allowed to sleep beside my lover.
Isn't that what everyone who is in love gets to do on a regular basis? For seven years I had slept on the couch in the front living room of Eiri's apartment with very little complaint, I hadn't even been allowed to cuddle after sex. The distance killed me, but I knew that he cared enough to let me stay in his home so I was content then. As time pressed on I wondered why Eiri spaced himself so far from me, but I never dared to ask. Even though he was cold and heartless towards me, I knew that deep down he just had to love me. Why else keep me around like he did? Well, I guess reality really is a harsh mistress as they say, I was just in denial all along. Eiri didn't really need me, I was an arm candy, a rag doll for him to jerk around when he needed it. He never told me he loved me and I guess it was because he never did. Or at least.....I don't think he did and tonight, tonight I'm going to find out how he really feels.
When I originally wrote this song I had no clue where I was going with it, but I remember, clear as day when I did. I'd woken up early that morning because something around me was moving and I was partially conscious before I realized it was just Eiri. Awake and ready to start the day, I sat up and looked around, recalling that Eiri had let me sleep with him that night. Smiling I had looked over at my lover's sleeping form, his back rising and falling with each new breath. He was so beautiful when he slept. I crept lover trying to make as little motion as possible so as not to disturb him and placed a gentle kiss upon his temple.
For some reason I thought that after last night, after Eiri had allowed me to share sleeping acomedations with him that things would be different between us. I thought that maybe he'd be kinder, more loving and he'd let me sleep with him more often since I hadn't distracted him last night, but my hopes were shot down as Eiri quickly jerked away from my kiss.
"Go away, baka." he said in a cold, somewhat groggy tone.
I was stunned, but I really wasn't sure why. He called me an idiot on a regular basis- then I stopped mid-thought. He called me baka on a regular basis, he put me down, he was cold and distant and cursed and yelled at me. He wouldn't change, last night wouldn't change a thing, not anything at all and I was so stupid to think it would. I pulled away quickly and got out of bed, still in a state of bitter realization. I don't think that I have ever truly been inspired to write the way I had been that morning. I felt like that this song had to be sung, that this confession MUST be made and it had to be heard! I didn't just want people to hear this song, I wanted them to feel this. I wanted him to hear it, and I wanted him to feel it. I just wanted.....to get out of this thing, it wasn't what I thought it was, it wasn't what I had wanted. I needed to get away.
I didn't go home that night, or the next morning, I stayed at Hiro's and composed the music, all by myself, to me new song. I wouldn't let Hiro see the words, nor would I let any one at work see them either. I just told them to practice the music and I would sing when it came time. Nobody objected me either. K didn't point a gun and Sakano simply nodded, they knew just how much I needed this. They didn't know what I needed exactly, but they had faith in my intentions and for that I'm eternally grateful.
My silent reveries were interrupted as Hiro came up beside me, the comforting weight of his hand upon my should making me jump just a bit. He flashed me a look of concern and squeezed my shoulder in a consoling sort of manner.
"Already to go, Shuichi?" he asked, putting on a smile.
"H-hai." I managed to choke out, dropping my hands to my sides.
I took a deep breath as I watched our opening act take their final bows. The crowd cheered wildly, apparently they had been a good act by the crowds responses. all four of them came backstage looking exhausted, yet incredibly satisfied with themselves. Once the guitarist and keyoardist had left the lead singer swung his bag over his shoulder and approached the drummer casually, slipping his hand in the others while he gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. In turn the drummer squeezed his hand and they headed off further backstage towards the dressing rooms. I wish Eiri was affectionate like that towards me, I thought bitterly. However I didn't have much time to sulk as our band's name was anounced and our cue was spoken.
Hiro and Sugure came onto the stage excitedly and I followed suit, plastering what had to be the fakest looking smile ever onto my face. The crowd screamed and roared as we took the stage and only simmered slightly when I began to speak.
"Kon ban wa, minna-san. Thank you so much for coming, I hope you enjoy the show." I said as enthusiastically as I possible could.
The concert went well considering my incredible nervousness. Each song went smoothly, every note hit perfectly and every action preformed with excellence. The concert dwindled to an end eventually and the part I had been fearing all night finally arrived. The grand finale. Now usually I'm one to make a big finish; loud music, big lyrics and energy like I was on speed, but this time it was a slower, more meaningful song I had chosen. The one I had written for Eiri, the one that would decide my fate. I gulped and stared out into the crowds, face set.
"Before we head into this next and last song," there was a collection of sighs and 'aw' noises "I want to say something about it. Uh...it wasn't released on any of our CDs and not even my fellow band mates have hear the words yet."
The crowd cheered some as I paused and swallowed the lump forming in my throat yet again. This was it, not turning back now. I didn't bother scanning the crowd for Eiri, not so much that I was sure he wouldn't come, but I knew that he could tell this was for him. I'd make certain he knew this song was sung just for him.
"This song was written by me to a certain somebody who......well, a person who I'm not exactly sure where I stand with anymore. This is a song just for them and I think they know who they are. That's it......" I said, letting out a rattling sigh.
It seemed that the crowd had become oddly quiet after my little speech and slowly the music came on. Letting my eyes fall shut as I held the mic stand I tapped my foot and thought.
'This is for you, Eiri. Please understand..'
/No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am......./
I'm chancing so much right now that I can't believe I even had the nerve to write such a song. I love Eiri and that's all that matters right? Just....as long as I love him, right.....?
/Don't think that I can take another empty moment
Don't think that I can fake another hollow smile
It's not enough just to be sorry.
Don't think that I could take another talk about it/
I've worked so hard at this, I've given him everything now I want some sort of response damnit! It can't just be enough for me to love him. I can't stand any more of this one-sided relationship. I need to hear you say it Eiri Uesugi, I need to know you love me and this is your last chance. I just can't take much more....
/Just like me you got needs
And they're only a whisper away
And we softly surrender
To these lives that we've tendered away/
If I'm unhappy aren't you too? Why keep me around Eiri? Just keeping around a rag doll in case of an emergency, are you just using me; is that it? I don't understand you, Eiri. You're human too, you have needs and if you need me, then why can't you just tell me? I love you, I want to make this work, please, Eiri.....I need your help in this too.
/No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am/
Who's to say he's even watching this or that he's even here right now? I pleaded with him to come over the answering machine, but knowing Eiri he probably deleted it after I said it was me. Besides he's too busy to be bothered with an "annoying baka" like me. I sighed mentally, but pressed on throwing every ounce of emotion I could into my words. This song was my soul, I felt this right now and I wanted to make it clear to everyone that these words were a part of me. I just know you have to be out there watching......somewhere...
/Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over
Don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong
Where it's not enough just be sorry/
You always tell me not to say sorry too. You say I'm just a natural ditz and it's bound to happen and you don't even want to hear me apologize. I guess I'm not even worth a simple, "It's alright" or "No problem" to you Eiri. I must get on your nerves with all my annoying habits, but then why keep me around? It's the only thing I can't understand about you, Eiri......after all this time, why not just kick me out for good? I need an answer now, just three simple words please, that's all I ask of you.
/Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in
Tried to be more than me
And I gave 'til it all went away
And we've only surrendered
To the worst part of these winters we've made/
I've tried to change myself so I could be more to your liking, but it didn't work for long. I guess I'll just always be the annoying Shuichi baka, huh Eiri? Once an idiot, always an idiot. Well, this time we'll see who's the stupid one won't we? I think that you just might need more than you mind Uesugi Eiri.
/I am all that I'll ever be
When you - lay your hands over me
but don't go weak on me now
I know that it's weak
But God help me I need this/
As they song hit it's climactic point of desperation I threw myself into the flow of emotion that poured out along with my words. You may think I seem fragile and weak, but I need this now. I need to know you love me. In all our seven years I've never asked you to say it, but I'm not sure where we stand anymore Eiri. Do you really love or am I just you're little toy? This is what will decide our future, all you need to do is make a choice.
/I will not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am....yes, I am..../
The song faded out and the crowd erupted into a frenzy of cheers. I think it was probably the most deafening noise I had ever heard. I said goodnight, but it was lost amongst the cheering fan's cries for more. The three of us left the stage and I voiced the sigh that kept spinning through my head all night.
"Well Shuichi, I'm impressed." Sugure said, giving me a smile. "Those lyrics were well written and very powerful. Do you plan to put that on our next album?"
"No," I said softly, lifting my saddened gaze to the teen. "No that song is never going to be played again, but thanks for the compliment Fujisaki."
Sugure nodded his head, staring at me oddly like he usually did and then scampered off. After putting his guitar up Hiro approached me next. I wasn't really in the mood to talk and I'm pretty sure he could tell. So he simply pat me on the back and offered his most comforting smile to me. Thank God for Hiro, he always knew exactly what I needed when I needed it.
"Great concert Shuichi, heading back to my place?"
I nodded somberly and headed to my dressing room to retrieve my bag. After I packed up what I needed to I stared at myself in the mirror for a moment.
"I guess I really am a baka." I sighed, slinging my bag over my shoulder and heading to the door.
However I found a familiar figure blocking my way to the exit. Eiri stood there, arms by his sides and eye closed tightly and almost not there--but obviously so by the way the dim light reflected in them were tears forming from his eyes. Eiri was--crying? Taking a step forward my breath caught aloud and my own vision became blurry.
"Oh Eiri...." I whispered.
I think I'm finally going to get my answer.......
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I think I may just leave this here, but let me know what you think. Thanks a lot! Oh and I didn't have a spellchecker for this so please excuse typos. Thanks again. -Kuroi
Rating: PG, shounen-ai and 1 curse word
Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation and the song isn't mine either. ^^ So AKA Kuroi owns nothing! :P
Author Notes: I just felt that I could relate to shuichi in a way and I wrote about it really. I've kinda been through the whole 'cold-hearted b/f' thing and I basically spelled it out for him and we came to a conclusion. So. *ahem* this little ficceh was born and I'm not exactly sure where I wanna take this or if I just wanna leave it here.......I'll see what I'm gunna do by my responses. This is slightly OOC in my opinion, sorry.
____________________________________________
Oh God am I nervous. My hands were sweating as I fidgeted nervously with the bottom of my short black top and my legs felt like jelly as I stood their looking out from behind the curtains backstage. I couldn't even hear our opening out, it was like somebody had hit a giant mute button for the whole world. Performing was my dream, my life, but this wasn't a performance like any other that I had ever done. No, this performance decided everything for me. I don't mean that my career rode on this and I don't mean that Bad Luck would benefit from this, but this was what was going to decided MY fate and where the rest of my life outside of Bad Luck was going. I had already sworn that no matter what the result I would not let Bad Luck be affected and that I would continue to persue my dreams.
I thought that if I just pretended, just pushed it all inside that it'd seem like everything was ok. Well it did seem that way until that day when it all resurfaced. It was one of these night where everything seems surreal to you, you realize that you've never had it so good, that all this time, all this emotion and passion; this is the highlight of your love. It was so amazing and astounding in my eyes, I'd never thought that I would ever be asked, by my given name, to sleep in my lover's bed with him without having sex. At the time I was in complete euphoria, it wasn't until the next morning I realized what that meant. I had spent seven years of my life giving everything I had and surrendering my every need and want to make Eiri happy. And after seven long, emotion wrecking years of devotion and love, I realized that the highlight had been being allowed to sleep beside my lover.
Isn't that what everyone who is in love gets to do on a regular basis? For seven years I had slept on the couch in the front living room of Eiri's apartment with very little complaint, I hadn't even been allowed to cuddle after sex. The distance killed me, but I knew that he cared enough to let me stay in his home so I was content then. As time pressed on I wondered why Eiri spaced himself so far from me, but I never dared to ask. Even though he was cold and heartless towards me, I knew that deep down he just had to love me. Why else keep me around like he did? Well, I guess reality really is a harsh mistress as they say, I was just in denial all along. Eiri didn't really need me, I was an arm candy, a rag doll for him to jerk around when he needed it. He never told me he loved me and I guess it was because he never did. Or at least.....I don't think he did and tonight, tonight I'm going to find out how he really feels.
When I originally wrote this song I had no clue where I was going with it, but I remember, clear as day when I did. I'd woken up early that morning because something around me was moving and I was partially conscious before I realized it was just Eiri. Awake and ready to start the day, I sat up and looked around, recalling that Eiri had let me sleep with him that night. Smiling I had looked over at my lover's sleeping form, his back rising and falling with each new breath. He was so beautiful when he slept. I crept lover trying to make as little motion as possible so as not to disturb him and placed a gentle kiss upon his temple.
For some reason I thought that after last night, after Eiri had allowed me to share sleeping acomedations with him that things would be different between us. I thought that maybe he'd be kinder, more loving and he'd let me sleep with him more often since I hadn't distracted him last night, but my hopes were shot down as Eiri quickly jerked away from my kiss.
"Go away, baka." he said in a cold, somewhat groggy tone.
I was stunned, but I really wasn't sure why. He called me an idiot on a regular basis- then I stopped mid-thought. He called me baka on a regular basis, he put me down, he was cold and distant and cursed and yelled at me. He wouldn't change, last night wouldn't change a thing, not anything at all and I was so stupid to think it would. I pulled away quickly and got out of bed, still in a state of bitter realization. I don't think that I have ever truly been inspired to write the way I had been that morning. I felt like that this song had to be sung, that this confession MUST be made and it had to be heard! I didn't just want people to hear this song, I wanted them to feel this. I wanted him to hear it, and I wanted him to feel it. I just wanted.....to get out of this thing, it wasn't what I thought it was, it wasn't what I had wanted. I needed to get away.
I didn't go home that night, or the next morning, I stayed at Hiro's and composed the music, all by myself, to me new song. I wouldn't let Hiro see the words, nor would I let any one at work see them either. I just told them to practice the music and I would sing when it came time. Nobody objected me either. K didn't point a gun and Sakano simply nodded, they knew just how much I needed this. They didn't know what I needed exactly, but they had faith in my intentions and for that I'm eternally grateful.
My silent reveries were interrupted as Hiro came up beside me, the comforting weight of his hand upon my should making me jump just a bit. He flashed me a look of concern and squeezed my shoulder in a consoling sort of manner.
"Already to go, Shuichi?" he asked, putting on a smile.
"H-hai." I managed to choke out, dropping my hands to my sides.
I took a deep breath as I watched our opening act take their final bows. The crowd cheered wildly, apparently they had been a good act by the crowds responses. all four of them came backstage looking exhausted, yet incredibly satisfied with themselves. Once the guitarist and keyoardist had left the lead singer swung his bag over his shoulder and approached the drummer casually, slipping his hand in the others while he gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. In turn the drummer squeezed his hand and they headed off further backstage towards the dressing rooms. I wish Eiri was affectionate like that towards me, I thought bitterly. However I didn't have much time to sulk as our band's name was anounced and our cue was spoken.
Hiro and Sugure came onto the stage excitedly and I followed suit, plastering what had to be the fakest looking smile ever onto my face. The crowd screamed and roared as we took the stage and only simmered slightly when I began to speak.
"Kon ban wa, minna-san. Thank you so much for coming, I hope you enjoy the show." I said as enthusiastically as I possible could.
The concert went well considering my incredible nervousness. Each song went smoothly, every note hit perfectly and every action preformed with excellence. The concert dwindled to an end eventually and the part I had been fearing all night finally arrived. The grand finale. Now usually I'm one to make a big finish; loud music, big lyrics and energy like I was on speed, but this time it was a slower, more meaningful song I had chosen. The one I had written for Eiri, the one that would decide my fate. I gulped and stared out into the crowds, face set.
"Before we head into this next and last song," there was a collection of sighs and 'aw' noises "I want to say something about it. Uh...it wasn't released on any of our CDs and not even my fellow band mates have hear the words yet."
The crowd cheered some as I paused and swallowed the lump forming in my throat yet again. This was it, not turning back now. I didn't bother scanning the crowd for Eiri, not so much that I was sure he wouldn't come, but I knew that he could tell this was for him. I'd make certain he knew this song was sung just for him.
"This song was written by me to a certain somebody who......well, a person who I'm not exactly sure where I stand with anymore. This is a song just for them and I think they know who they are. That's it......" I said, letting out a rattling sigh.
It seemed that the crowd had become oddly quiet after my little speech and slowly the music came on. Letting my eyes fall shut as I held the mic stand I tapped my foot and thought.
'This is for you, Eiri. Please understand..'
/No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am......./
I'm chancing so much right now that I can't believe I even had the nerve to write such a song. I love Eiri and that's all that matters right? Just....as long as I love him, right.....?
/Don't think that I can take another empty moment
Don't think that I can fake another hollow smile
It's not enough just to be sorry.
Don't think that I could take another talk about it/
I've worked so hard at this, I've given him everything now I want some sort of response damnit! It can't just be enough for me to love him. I can't stand any more of this one-sided relationship. I need to hear you say it Eiri Uesugi, I need to know you love me and this is your last chance. I just can't take much more....
/Just like me you got needs
And they're only a whisper away
And we softly surrender
To these lives that we've tendered away/
If I'm unhappy aren't you too? Why keep me around Eiri? Just keeping around a rag doll in case of an emergency, are you just using me; is that it? I don't understand you, Eiri. You're human too, you have needs and if you need me, then why can't you just tell me? I love you, I want to make this work, please, Eiri.....I need your help in this too.
/No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am/
Who's to say he's even watching this or that he's even here right now? I pleaded with him to come over the answering machine, but knowing Eiri he probably deleted it after I said it was me. Besides he's too busy to be bothered with an "annoying baka" like me. I sighed mentally, but pressed on throwing every ounce of emotion I could into my words. This song was my soul, I felt this right now and I wanted to make it clear to everyone that these words were a part of me. I just know you have to be out there watching......somewhere...
/Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over
Don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong
Where it's not enough just be sorry/
You always tell me not to say sorry too. You say I'm just a natural ditz and it's bound to happen and you don't even want to hear me apologize. I guess I'm not even worth a simple, "It's alright" or "No problem" to you Eiri. I must get on your nerves with all my annoying habits, but then why keep me around? It's the only thing I can't understand about you, Eiri......after all this time, why not just kick me out for good? I need an answer now, just three simple words please, that's all I ask of you.
/Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in
Tried to be more than me
And I gave 'til it all went away
And we've only surrendered
To the worst part of these winters we've made/
I've tried to change myself so I could be more to your liking, but it didn't work for long. I guess I'll just always be the annoying Shuichi baka, huh Eiri? Once an idiot, always an idiot. Well, this time we'll see who's the stupid one won't we? I think that you just might need more than you mind Uesugi Eiri.
/I am all that I'll ever be
When you - lay your hands over me
but don't go weak on me now
I know that it's weak
But God help me I need this/
As they song hit it's climactic point of desperation I threw myself into the flow of emotion that poured out along with my words. You may think I seem fragile and weak, but I need this now. I need to know you love me. In all our seven years I've never asked you to say it, but I'm not sure where we stand anymore Eiri. Do you really love or am I just you're little toy? This is what will decide our future, all you need to do is make a choice.
/I will not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am....yes, I am..../
The song faded out and the crowd erupted into a frenzy of cheers. I think it was probably the most deafening noise I had ever heard. I said goodnight, but it was lost amongst the cheering fan's cries for more. The three of us left the stage and I voiced the sigh that kept spinning through my head all night.
"Well Shuichi, I'm impressed." Sugure said, giving me a smile. "Those lyrics were well written and very powerful. Do you plan to put that on our next album?"
"No," I said softly, lifting my saddened gaze to the teen. "No that song is never going to be played again, but thanks for the compliment Fujisaki."
Sugure nodded his head, staring at me oddly like he usually did and then scampered off. After putting his guitar up Hiro approached me next. I wasn't really in the mood to talk and I'm pretty sure he could tell. So he simply pat me on the back and offered his most comforting smile to me. Thank God for Hiro, he always knew exactly what I needed when I needed it.
"Great concert Shuichi, heading back to my place?"
I nodded somberly and headed to my dressing room to retrieve my bag. After I packed up what I needed to I stared at myself in the mirror for a moment.
"I guess I really am a baka." I sighed, slinging my bag over my shoulder and heading to the door.
However I found a familiar figure blocking my way to the exit. Eiri stood there, arms by his sides and eye closed tightly and almost not there--but obviously so by the way the dim light reflected in them were tears forming from his eyes. Eiri was--crying? Taking a step forward my breath caught aloud and my own vision became blurry.
"Oh Eiri...." I whispered.
I think I'm finally going to get my answer.......
_______________________________________
I think I may just leave this here, but let me know what you think. Thanks a lot! Oh and I didn't have a spellchecker for this so please excuse typos. Thanks again. -Kuroi