Summary: What if you have a chance to go back to your past and change your life? What if you can live your life differently, make new choices? Will it make a difference? Or will making a different choice still take you down the same route? What if your decision changes the rest of your life and everything is different from what it is supposed to be? What would happen if you make the wrong choice?
Eriol wasn't a difficult man to love.
He remembered her birthdays and their anniversary and he could always tease her out of a black mood. Once Eriol set his mind to be charming and tender and gentle and playful, Tomoyo didn't stand a chance at all. She tried distancing herself, she tried denial, in truth Tomoyo tried everything but Eriol was impossible to resist. Eriol was about as insignificant as the sun. Every time a teasing glint came into his eyes, Tomoyo would brace herself for a blast of his sharp wit that would inevitably made her want to laugh, yet at the same time groan in despair. Every time he touched her, or stare at her heatedly, Tomoyo could feel her resolve melting and her mind rebelling.
Everything she knew as a woman warned her against falling for this man because she knew that he only pitied her. He didn't love her at all and it would be folly to love someone who didn't love you. Tomoyo had one such experience with Syaoran and she didn't intend to repeat that mistake with Eriol. She was determined to keep her distance but every instinct she possessed as a woman told her that this man she was trying to resist was her husband. That she should stop fighting the inevitable and give in. She knew she was going to fall under his spell ultimately, so why try so hard to deny the truth? She was his wife for goodness sake and it was only right that she love him.
"But he doesn't love me!" Tomoyo tried to scream back at the small voice urging her to give in to what is meant to be. *He doesn't love me and I'm not going to trip over myself by falling in love with him. Eriol wouldn't want me to love him either! Why complicate a perfectly sound relationship?"
"Eriol respects you now, don't be an idiot and confuse everything with your feelings. Keep this a straightforward relationship and you'll save yourself a heartbreak! The rules are set now, follow them!" Tomoyo told herself sternly.
Her behavior, which she assumed was what Eriol wanted, was instead driving him up a wall. Eriol was convinced that the woman he'd married was blind. The entire world could see that he was a man desperately in love with his wife and the only person who didn't see that was Tomoyo herself. He did everything he could to show her that she mattered a lot to him but she thought that he was trying to be nice and polite! How dense could she get?
Eriol was angry enough to spit.
The only thing urging him on was the knowledge that Tomoyo didn't love Syaoran anymore. That was what was pushing him on. Eriol didn't know how long he could go on before he wringed his ignorant wife's neck. He wanted to tell her he loved her, but he knew that she wouldn't believe him. She was stubborn as a mule and she wouldn't believe anything he said until she wanted to.
Eriol sighed angrily. There were so many women around, why did he have the bad luck to fall for this particular one?
Year 2007
"I've come back for Syaoran." Sakura had said, and as soon as those words registered in Tomoyo's mind, joy and hope exploded in her heart before reality crashed into place. Syaoran no longer wanted Sakura.
Tomoyo kept her expression neutral, "I don't think this is such a great idea."
Sakura frowned. What was Tomoyo talking about? "I don't understand." Sakura said slowly.
"It's irrelevant for you to know," Tomoyo didn't bother to explain.
"Why?" This didn't make a lick of sense to Sakura.
"He doesn't even want any reminder of you, Sakura. He says that you're dead to him now. Seeing you again might just trigger something he's been trying to hide and frankly, I think we all hope it stays hidden," Tomoyo saw pain flared briefly in Sakura's eyes before she could conceal it. Tomoyo couldn't help feeling sorry for her.
"I know, it's weird don't you think? He claims that you don't matter to him anymore and yet you matter enough to actually make him cringe at the sight of any Sakura flower."
Sakura smiled, "That's not strange at all, Tomoyo. It just means that he still loves me, I never doubted that."
"Not even when you read news of him involved with all those actresses and models?" Tomoyo asked, curious to hear what Sakura would say to that.
Sakura nodded, and answered matter-of-factly, "He's confused. He doesn't know what he wants or needs. I do and I'm going to make him see it."
Tomoyo burst out laughing, her anger at her cousin slid off her shoulders as if it never existed. Tomoyo had no doubt whatsoever that Sakura could do what she said she would do. This wasn't a kitten that would be facing Syaoran down; it was a tigress.
Sakura found herself smiling back at her sister even though she had no earthly idea what Tomoyo found so hilarious about her announcement. This was relatively good start to her quest, Sakura decided. She'd emerged from obstacle number one unscathed. Briefly, she wondered how long her spurt of good luck would last.
"Tell me, where have you been these last few years?" Tomoyo asked, now relaxed and ready to listen to Sakura.
Sakura didn't even have a chance to begin before the doorbell interrupted. Tomoyo glanced irritably at the door, muttering under her breath about intruders in the middle of the night and then with a sigh, heaved herself out of her seat and went to investigate who it was at her door.
A moment later, Sakura heard a loud gasp from Tomoyo and immediately rushed to Tomoyo's side to see if she needed any help. It turned out that the only one who needed help was the man standing at the door with a bruised nose that'd swelled to twice its former size.
Even then, there was no denying who it was.
Eriol had to smile over Tomoyo's fussing of him. She was alternately scolding him and worrying about his nose. He tried to assure her that no permanent damage was done, that it probably looked worse than it really was. But she was too upset to listen to him and he had no choice but to let her tend to him.
A movement at the entrance of the living room caught his eye and Eriol turned his head slightly to see what it was. He immediately froze, disbelieving what his eyes told him. "Tomoyo," he thought he sounded incredibly calm considering what he was currently facing. "She's here." He meant it as a question, but somehow, it came out as a statement.
Tomoyo didn't even look at who Eriol referred to, but merely said, "Yes, she's staying here with us Eriol," she announced that as if it were an everyday thing that her errant cousin came back after a four year hiatus in who-knows-where. Then, more heatedly, she asked him, "Who did this to you? Who did you fight with, Eriol?"
"What's wrong with everyone?!" Eriol shouted. This was too much for a man to take in for a night. First he was punched, and then he arrived home to find the girl his best friend refused to acknowledge he loved in his house, and that wasn't the end. No, it was as if someone was playing a mindless game with him and wouldn't be satisfied with the previous ending. All he needed was just that, Tomoyo decreeing that her cousin would stay with them.
Tomoyo really was senile; didn't she know that Syaoran would murder them all?
"Who did this to you?" she repeated evenly, staring up at him, her eyes telling him just how angry and worried she was. Eriol grabbed her by her shoulders and shook her, not hard enough to hurt her, but enough to rattle her.
"She's not staying here, Tomoyo, do you hear me? She's not going to stay with us!" Eriol roared and then released Tomoyo. He turned to Sakura who was looking at him without a trace of emotion on her face. But her stance indicated that she would seriously do him bodily harm if she thought that he was a threat to Tomoyo. Eriol then realized what he was thinking. Little Sakura hurting him? Looking at her now, he could see a core of steel in her and he knew that she wasn't the girl she used to be. She was a fighter now. She wouldn't suffer in silence now.
"What do you think you'll achieve by coming back now?" Eriol asked aggressively, after all this was the girl who changed Syaoran when she decided to take the coward's way out. "You shouldn't have disappeared on us four years ago, but you did. And since you decided to run away, why come back now? Haven't you hurt Syaoran enough, Sakura? Do you know he's changed so much because of you? Do you know why he is always with a different woman? It is only because he wouldn't let himself be emotionally vulnerable to one woman because he's afraid he'll be betrayed again like you betrayed him! He gave you everything he believed was good in him and you threw that all away. You belittled his emotions – emotions that he's locked up inside himself and given no one except you. I've never seen him so crazy over anyone, never. You've hurt him really deeply, Sakura."
"His mother couldn't have done it better, congratulations Sakura." Eriol finished bitterly.
Sakura was alert now. She knew he was on the verge of something big. Even when Syaoran treated her as his confidant in the other life, he never talked about his family; Sakura knew next to nothing about his parents, she didn't even know whether he had any siblings. At his and Tomoyo's wedding, only Tomoyo and Sakura's parents had attended, none of Syaoran's had turned up for it. Obviously, Eriol knew what happened between Syaoran and his family and Sakura intended to find out. She sensed that somehow, if she could find out what happened to Syaoran and his mother, she could understand the obtuse man better and maybe it could help her win him back.
"I'm not Syaoran's mother, I would never deliberately hurt Syaoran. You know I love him, Eriol." Sakura said carefully. She knew instinctively that she couldn't ask Eriol outright about Syaoran and his mother because Eriol would never tell her willingly. Even though Sakura hated manipulating people, she had a knack for it. She knew all the right buttons to push and now, she was pushing Eriol's buttons.
Eriol snorted in disbelief. "I don't know that, Sakura. You think he wasn't hurt when you ran away like a scared rabbit four years ago? He searched all over for you; he gave up his work to look for you lady! And his work was his entire life because it was proof that he wasn't worthless. His success in the showbiz was everything in his life until you came along. Then you were his life. Do you have any idea how proud Syaoran was of you and his career? He thought he'd finally proved his mother wrong, but it turned out that his mother was right after all!
"She has told Syaoran twice, he was a nobody. Syaoran wasn't an orphan, but he might as well be. His parents weren't married when they had him. His mother detested him and never acknowledged him as her son. She blamed Syaoran for the reason why his father left her. His mother didn't even look at him, she just pushed the responsibility of raising Syaoran to the servants."
"Growing up, Syaoran tried everything he could to please his mother who wasn't even aware of his existence. He did everything he could to gain his mother's attention. When Syaoran was seven, he begged an old servant to teach him how to whittle. He suffered numerous cuts on his hands when the knife slipped and cut him instead of the wood, but Syaoran never complained. He believed wholeheartedly that he could bribe his mother into loving him.
"But when he presented the gift to his mother, that heartless woman looked at it and laughed out loud. He then showed Syaoran what her legitimate children gave her – an ivory necklace. She then proceeded to tell a seven year-old Syaoran that no matter what he did, he wouldn't be able to wash her shame away. The truth was that Syaoran is a worthless, and no matter how good he became, that stigma would be with him always and no woman would want him, because he wasn't worthy. He wasn't worthy enough for anyone to love; his own parents couldn't love him, how could anyone else? But poor Syaoran..." Eriol's voice was trembling with rage.
"Syaoran believed his mother. He believed himself unworthy of anyone's love and he didn't try to please his mother anymore. When he was 16, Syaoran left and came here to strike out on his own. When I befriended him, he was wary as ever and it took me nearly two years to open him up, to make him trust me enough to confide in me. But you destroyed everything, Sakura. You destroyed the self-esteem that he painstakingly built, and his trust. You undid everything that he achieved since he left his mother. When you entered his life, I thought that he could finally be happy. I thought you could prove him that his mother was wrong, but instead you showed him how true his mother's words were. You proved to him that he wasn't fit to be loved by anyone. You deserve a pat on the back, Sakura, for what you've done to him. Have you come back to finish the job?"
It was as if she was physically hit by every word Eriol uttered. Her horror mounted with each revelation. She didn't know… How could she have known? She didn't know that Syaoran was abandoned as a baby. She didn't know he had such a difficult childhood. She didn't know that his mother was such a scornful woman. How could she not love Syaoran? Sakura tried to imagine the pain Syaoran must felt when his mother rejected his love and laughed in his face that Syaoran dared to even think his mother would one day love him.
She felt fury welling up in her; she wanted to kill the woman. How dare she treat Syaoran like that? Syaoran must have been a wonderful child, he must have been a good little boy and confused and scared too. Sakura could just imagine all the things Syaoran have done to gain his mother's love. He would never have disobeyed his mother, he wouldn't have argued with him. The woman couldn't have possibly been human! Syaoran was her child, how could she not care about him? How could she belittle Syaoran's love?
"You did that too. You thought you knew what was best for him; you thought you knew him better than he knew himself. All you thought about was yourself. From the time you were transported here, everything you did was for yourself, have you spared a thought for him?" a voice asked. Sakura shook her head, trying to push the voice away.
"You ran away because you thought he didn't know if he truly loves you, you belittled his feelings for you. And now you're cursing his mother because she rejected Syaoran's feelings? At least she never gave Syaoran the illusion that she loved him, you did. You didn't love him enough; you love yourself more than you love him. You thought that just because you didn't tell him you love him all these years you were a saint, but the fact is, you're not! You're didn't trust him to know what he felt! You've been lying to yourself all these years, telling yourself that you knew what was best for him. Have you considered his feelings? Eriol's right; you're no better than Syaoran's mother, worse in fact! The woman never lied to him, you did!" Sakura clutched her head, wanting to shout a denial, but knowing that there's no point. It was the truth; she had been utterly selfish.
At that moment, she hated herself, she hated herself more than she hated anyone in the world, including Syaoran's mother. And that hatred cleansed her. She knew where she'd gone wrong four years ago. She knew where she'd gone wrong in the other lifetime. She had been wrong all along. But now, she won't make the same mistake again.
In that moment, she knew what was missing in her relationship with Syaoran all along. Trust. He trusted her; the fault lies with her. She didn't trust him. Now she does. Sakura couldn't stop the ache inside her; she'd made the man she loved suffer because she didn't trust him. Why has she been so stupid?
"I came to apologize, Eriol, but it seemed like another punch is in order," the pain intensified, mixing with the yearning that his voice conjured. Both emotions slammed hard into Sakura as his tranquil voice washed over her.
The three occupants in the house turned simultaneously towards the door and stared at the man standing in the shadows. The man radiated barely suppressed anger and menace.
Sakura swallowed her regrets, her self-directed anger, her pain and longing, and most of all her tears. "Hello Syaoran," she stepped closer to him and smiled up at him.
Sakura was trusting him now and she hoped it wasn't too late.
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Author's Note: Thank you all who commented! I've been totally busy, I don't even know where to begin with my week so I won't. *wink* But please, more comments! Another thing is, I'm planning the outline of another S+S story when this finishes but it'll be in a form of a journal and I need someone to write either Sakura's or Syaoran's part. If any of you sound interested, tell me in your review and I'll check your writing out! Oh, by the way, I know that Syaoran's mother loves and adores him, but this is an AU story, I hope no one takes offense. I just wanted to clarify that. (I know many of you have questions regarding the story, and I will answer them all. I'll be writing a chapter at the end that will explain, hopefully, all your inquires!)