Summary: What if you have a chance to go back to your past and change your life? What if you can live your life differently, make new choices? Will it make a difference? Or will making a different choice still take you down the same route? What if your decision changes the rest of your life and everything is different from what it is supposed to be? What would happen if you make the wrong choice?
A vast yawning void stretches on
I close my eyes and choke on loneliness
Love,
I realized,
Is a delusion
A delusion that I cannot
Live
Without.
Year 2007
Chills ran up and down Sakura's back but still she forged ahead bravely. "I've missed you," she repeated, taking another step closer to Syaoran. "I've never stopped thinking about you once these four years. Every night I go to sleep, you were there beside me. There were always some peonies in the house because they reminded me of you. I went out and bought the aftershave you used just so I could feel closer to you. When I went to Tokyo, all I had with me were my diary, 3 changes of clothes, some money and peonies. And your shirt, the shirt I brought to bed with me every single night when we're apart."
Syaoran refused to be seduced by her voice, "Why?" he demanded, not looking at her beguiling face. Afraid of what he'll see there, afraid that it would be his downfall if he looked.
"Why what? Why I love you?" Sakura deliberately gave him the words and had the satisfaction of seeing his façade cracked ever so slightly. "Because you're a successful actor and singer. Because you're tall and you're handsome. Most importantly, because you're rich-"
"Stop it!" he bit out furiously, grabbing Sakura by her upper arms. He hauled her into his arms, his face bare inches from his. "Stop it, do you hear me! This is all fun and games to you isn't it? Trying to make me angry and coming back to Hong Kong and saying things like that to me! What are you playing at? No, I don't want to know. Whatever it is, I'm not interested, Sakura, I'm not interested! Go back to wherever you came from. Go back! You didn't care enough to stay four years ago, you can very well stay away now!"
Syaoran pushed Sakura away from him again and yanked back his hands, turning his back on her. He was breathing heavily after his angry outburst. His tirade surprised and pleased Sakura who had been trying to push him over the edge. Syaoran was over the edge all right; his control had snapped, his wrath overflowing his calm exterior.
Sakura didn't hesitate; she walked right up to Syaoran and wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned her body against his back. Syaoran didn't have the strength to push her away, but his stance was unyielding. He held himself totally erect, rejecting Sakura's softness and Sakura nearly wept at that. She had done this to him. She had made him into this cautious, cynical man.
"I care, Syaoran. I care too much for you. I did a lot of things that I'm ashamed of all because I thought it would make you love me. I ran away because the guilt was overwhelming. I betrayed my own cousin because of you. I knew that you were in love with Tomoyo, and that you were supposed to be with her if I hadn't come along. I know that the reason you were attracted to me in the first place was because you saw traces of Tomoyo in me and thought that I could replace her. You thought I could take Tomoyo's place. But the truth was that I can't, Syaoran. I can't be Tomoyo no matter how hard I tried and believe me I tried my best. I was becoming a person with all the characteristics I despised – a lying unscrupulous person, all because I wanted you. If I had remained here with you, you would have come to hate me. I thought that by going away I was being noble, giving you a chance to choose again. But I was wrong.
"I should have confessed everything to you instead of taking things into my hands and running away. I should have told you what I was feeling and all my insecurities. But I didn't because I was afraid that you'd hate me for all the lies I've given you. I was too selfish and I didn't trust you enough, Syaoran. I robbed us of these four years. If I'd just trusted you, we wouldn't have wasted these four years. I wouldn't have caused you so much pain."
Syaoran hurriedly pried Sakura's arms away from him and pushed her away from him. "Don't," he said quietly without heat. He looked defeated and confused for a moment before he pulled his armor around him again. Then, the man was in control again. The lost little boy was once again hidden deep inside of Syaoran. "It's too late. You're too late. What do you think you'll achieve by telling me all that?"
Sakura worked hard to suppress the desolation she was feeling. Her body screamed for the warmth only Syaoran could give her and Sakura had to control not to hurl herself at Syaoran.
"I saw you in concert in Tokyo. You were wonderful," Sakura whispered, her throat closing up. "You looked so beautiful up there. I saw you and I wanted to cry and run to you. I wanted to pushed through the crowds and throw myself at you. I wanted to feel your arms around me again. I wanted to hear you whisper in my ears. I wanted to see you smiling and laughing and having fun. Do you know that you looked so lonely on stage? You looked like you were looking for something but can't quite find it. I wanted to shout to you that I was there watching you, still loving you. But I didn't. I was too scared. Instead I ran away from the concert before it was over." Tears streaked down Sakura's cheeks when she was finished.
Syaoran's fists were clenched tight, his nails digging into his palms, forming small crescents. He stared at the floor, envisioning how Sakura felt and remembering how vulnerable he was after she felt him. He couldn't allow himself to be that vulnerable again. He couldn't open himself up for this kind of hurt again. He might not survive it again.
But, Sakura was here again. She was here for him! She wanted him and she was as hurt and lonely as he was. They were both lonely souls in need of healing. And she loved him. She never stopped loving him…
"You want to know why I love you? I love you because you make me smile, because you are such a stubborn man. Because I know that no one would love me more than you will if you just let yourself. If you let yourself, you'll realize that no one will love you more than I will. You know that, Syaoran, you just have to trust me again. Just like I'm trusting you now." Sakura smiled tremulously at Syaoran. "I'm so sorry Syaoran," Sakura whispered, her tears blurring her vision. "Will you forgive me?"
There were so many reasons why he shouldn't forgive her, but none were more important than the one she listed for him to love her again. 'Because I know that no one would love me more than you will if you just let yourself. If you let yourself, you'll realize that no one will love you more than I will,' she'd said. So what if he had to riske everything again – his heart, his soul, his sanity? If he wins this gamble, he'll have it all. He'll even recoup his losses.
Looking at Sakura, it wasn't a hard decision at all. Both of them have to learn to trust and they were going to learn it together.
Syaoran took the two steps that would bring him to her and swept her into his arms. "Don't cry Sakura, please don't cry anymore," Syaoran's voice was hoarse and tears threatened as he buried his lips in her hair, inhaling her scent. "Did you know you drove me crazy when you disappeared four years ago? Never, ever do that to me again, you hear me?"
Sakura half laughed and half cried, tightening her arms about Syaoran, as if afraid that if she didn't hold on tight enough Syaoran would vanish into thin air. "I promise you that I'll never go anywhere without you again, never!" Sakura vowed, gazing up at Syaoran, tears still following.
Syaoran lowered his head and gently kissed away the tears. "I'll hold you to that promise, you can count on it," he murmured, seconds before his lips met hers – as surely as their souls met.
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Author's Note: Ah! Another attempt at fluff. Boy, am I horrible at it... Well, I hope you all liked this chapter, and keep on commenting. Yes, I know I haven't talked about the future period, so I will next chapter. Stay tuned, ok?