Title: "Mr. Lucifer's New Job"
Author: Trickster Kitsune
Series: Angel Sanctuary
Rating: R for language, Mika-chan's fascination with fire (:-P), and extreme cute-ness on Katan's part. ^__^
Genre: HUMOR!! ^__^
Pairings: None! Well… Maybe Rosiel/Alexiel and Katan/Rosiel, but they're so young, it doesn't count.
A/N: The ideas that one can get on a school bus! My friend and I thought this idea up, we don't know how, but we did… It's definitely AU (alternate universe). Most, if not all, of the characters are not in character! I don't mean to offend anyone with any of this, but at least the flames I get will warm me. ^__^
Disclaimer: I don't own Angel Sanctuary. I also don't own Rosiel, Alexiel, Katan (I wish!), Michael, or Lucifer. Everything/-one belongs to Kaori Yuki. I own nothing! Okay? Okay. Please don't sue. ^__^
~*~*~*~*~*~
Lucifel stood before God with his head down. He was trying to look innocent, but the blood dripping down his face defeated the purpose.
"Why do you defy me, Angel Lucifel?" God asked, His divine power shimmering around Him.
Lucifel raised his head and looked God in the eyes. "I want to rule Heaven."
God raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, at least you're honest. But that does not excuse you from the trouble you have caused among the Angels and the Demons. For that, I have a new job for you."
Lucifel paled and looked up at God, wiping blood out of his eyes. "A new job?"
"Yes, a new job. You must baby-sit."
"Baby-sit?" Lucifel paled even more. This did not sound good…
Smiling, God stood, which made Him tower above Lucifel. "Yes, you must baby-sit Rosiel, Alexiel, Katan, and your little brother."
Lucifel's eyes widened. "That means… I have to be sent to the living realm…?"
"Of course. And if you do a good job, and/or die, you may return for further judgement. In the mean time, however, you have a job to do and, from this day forward, you shall be called Lucifer." God raised his hand over Lucifel's head and, in a flash of light, Lucifel's wings were ripped from his back and he was sent plummeting to the earth.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Waking with a start, Lucifer sat up. He was in the middle of someone's front lawn, the grass weed-free and soft. He looked down at himself and nearly screamed. He was dressed in normal clothing! Well, too normal for him at least.
"Shit… I was hoping this would be a bad dream," he looked around with a scowl on his face. "A very bad dream."
He stood and tugged a little on his leather trench coat. He was dressed totally in black, most of it leather. He looked around for a moment, confused as to what he was supposed to be doing. You usually get instructions for things like this…
Hands on his hips, Lucifer looked up at the sky and screamed, "What the hell am I supposed to do, damn it?!"
He felt a mental slap, presumably from God Himself.
"Well, that's not very nice!" Lucifer kicked at a clump of grass. Everyone in the area slowly moved away from the pissed off fallen angel. He stuck his hands in his coat pocket and was surprised when he felt a piece of paper. He pulled it out and unfolded it. The handwriting on it was fancy and precise:
"Lucifer,
I made sure to drop you in front of the location of your new assignment. If I made a mistake, which I highly doubt, or if you wander, the address is on the back of this piece of paper.
Have fun,
God"
"Sarcastic bastard… 'Have fun' my ass…" Lucifer flipped the piece of paper over and read the address aloud. "Mr. and Mrs. Cheerful at 235 Happy Bunny Lane."
Lucifer gagged and crumpled the paper, shoving it back into his pocket. He walked up to the front step of 235 Happy Bunny Lane and knocked on the door. As he waited for an answer, a plaque caught his attention.
"Welcome to our happy home.
A home where unwanted children can come and live in peace."
"This happiness is killing me," muttered Lucifer.
"Hello!"
Lucifer jumped and nearly fell off the step when a high-pitched female voice spoke from the doorway.
Mrs. Cheerful smiled at him from the open door. "Are you our new baby-sitter?"
He raised an eyebrow. New? She makes it sound like they've had others… Lucifer stood up straight, towering over the plump, happy woman. She looked like a big, purple grape. "Yeah, I'm the baby-sitter."
She clapped her hands cheerfully and grabbed his arm, dragging the disgusted ex-angel into the house.
Lucifer felt as if he had walked into a hurricane. The house was a disaster area! Furniture that wasn't knocked over had burns all over them. The piercing scream of a two-year-old could be heard from the back of the house, while arguing could be heard from another part of the house. There was a clicking sound as well, and he looked to the right just in time to see the sofa go up in flames; a small, red haired, five-year-old child sat next to the sofa, grinning happily and holding a lighter.
Pushing past Lucifer, the woman calmly walked over to a closet, pulled out a fire extinguisher, put out the fire, and took the lighter away from the child… Who promptly began to cry.
"Don't mind him," Mrs. Cheerful said over the screaming. "He does that all the time."
Whether she was talking about the fire or the screaming, Lucifer didn't care. All he cared about was getting this over with.
"When will you and Mr. Cheerful be leaving?" Lucifer asked, trying to ignore the various screams and wailing.
The woman smiled, still as cheerful as ever. "We will be leaving shortly."
Just then, Mr. Cheerful strolled into the room, carrying two coats. The woman's eyes lit up when she saw him. He placed the coat around her shoulders and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
Lucifer rolled his eyes. This is sickening! He tried to look cheerful when Mr. and Mrs. Cheerful turned towards him.
"We will be back sometime tonight. If you need anything, like if the house burns down, someone gets hurt, etc, the phone numbers are in the kitchen," said Mrs. Cheerful.
Lucifer just nodded distractedly. Mr. Cheerful had been rounding up the four children of the house so that Lucifer could meet them. He, unfortunately, already knew the brats. Alexiel stood to the left of Mr. Cheerful, giving Rosiel the Glare of Death, while Rosiel stood on the right, giving her puppy eyes. Katan sat on the floor with his arms wrapped around Rosiel's leg, sucking his thumb. Michael sat among the few ashes from the sofa, throwing them in the air and watching them fall.
After many pointless introductions, Mr. and Mrs. Cheerful finally left, leaving Lucifer with two "angelic" siblings, a cherub, and his little brother. Alexiel stared up at Lucifer challengingly, as if she dared him to do something to her. He just sighed and went over the Michael. He grabbed the fire-obsessed angel by the arm and dragged him out of the ashes. Michael started to howl and throw a fit. Lucifer dropped Michael's arm and let the angel go back to the ashes. He brushed some ashes off the sofa and sat down. If the kids did anything, good for them. Just as long as no one got hurt.
Rosiel, pulling his attention away from Alexiel, walked over to Lucifer, dragging Katan behind him. He looked up at Lucifer with large, golden eyes. Lucifer looked down at him, frowning.
"What do you want?" he asked the Inorganic angel.
"I know you," said the angel simply. He pried Katan off his leg and climbed up onto the sofa; Katan scurried up after him a second later.
"How do you know me?" Lucifer asked.
Rosiel grinned up at Lucifer. "I just know," his grin turned evil, "God told me."
"I see…" Lucifer eyed Katan for a moment. "Why does he follow you like that?"
"He likes me for some reason, I guess it's some past life thing," Rosiel said as he patted Katan on the head like a dog. Katan cooed and latched onto Rosiel's arm.
Lucifer turned away from the revolting scene to check on Alexiel and Michael. Alexiel was playing with some dolls next to the coffee table; it looked like she was reenacting her rebellion in Heaven. Michael had somehow gotten his hands on a box of matches and was trying in vain to light one. There was a small pile of broken matches next to him.
Lucifer covered his face with his hand in exasperation. "Michael… Stop playing with the matches…"
"But… I like the flame…" replied the fire angel, trying to look as cute as possible.
Lucifer gave in to his little brother, for now. "All right… Just don't set anything on fire--"
Michael, succeeding on lighting a match, set it to the broken matches, creating a mini bonfire. He looked up at Lucifer, grinning from ear to ear, and put the fire out with his hand before Lucifer could say anything.
Lucifer covered his face with his hands. This is going to be such a long day!
~*~*~*~*~*~
Time sure does fly when you're chasing after snot-nosed brats, Lucifer though bitterly. He had been chasing the kids around the house for the past three hours. First, Michael started a huge fire involving the sofa, which was then scattered around the room. Then Rosiel thought it was funny to run around without even a stitch of clothing on, chasing after his sister. Lucifer never thought a six-year-old could be so perverted! After getting Rosiel into some clothing and Alexiel calmed down, Katan started demanding to be fed, which lead to an all out rebellion when Lucifer said it wasn't lunchtime yet.
However, lunchtime came sooner than Lucifer expected.
Rosiel, Alexiel, Michael, and Katan all hung off Lucifer's clothing demanding to be fed. He dragged them through the once clean house into the huge kitchen. The kitchen was, to put it simply, cold. All of the appliances were made of stainless steel and any other surface was of gray marble. Lucifer shook the children off and wandered over to the nearest cabinet, which was also made of steel. He opened it and came face to face with boxes upon boxes of some kind of marshmallow-stuffed, sugar-filled cereal with a happy clown on the box. He slammed the door shut with a cringe on his face and turned towards the waiting children.
"Where does the woman keep the normal food?"
Alexiel stepped forward, looking as austere as ever. "We only eat Cheerful Clown and nothing else."
Lucifer raised an eyebrow as the other's agreed with her. No wonder they are so high-strung, they only eat sugar!
Michael, tired of waiting, ran to the other side of the kitchen and climbed onto the counter. He whipped open a cupboard, grabbed a box of Cheerful Clown cereal, and ripped it open. Cereal flew everywhere and the other kids descended on the mess like vultures to a kill.
"God damn, bug eating brats!" Lucifer swore under his breath as he trotted towards the mess.
Michael sat on the counter like a king with an egotistical smile on his face. As Lucifer approached, he pulled out another lighter and held it up. Lucifer stopped in mid-step. Michael smiled maliciously, lit the lighter, and lowered it to a pile of marshmallows, lighting them on fire and melting them. The gooey mess dripped down the counter and onto Katan's head. Katan looked up from his spot next to Rosiel, smiled at Michael, and went back to munching on his pile of marshmallows, completely ignoring the sticky mess on his head.
"You fu--OW!"
After kicking Lucifer's knee, Alexiel stood in front of him with her arms crossed over her chest. "No one is allowed to say that word here!"
Lucifer glowered at Alexiel. "I can say any God damn word I want to, you little bitch!"
Everyone except for Alexiel froze at the onslaught of obscenities. Katan and Rosiel sat with identical expressions of shock on their faces with marshmallows falling out of their hands, while Michael dropped his lighter. Lucifer shifted uncertainly, looking into Alexiel's calm eyes, or so he thought.
Alexiel raised her hand and a miniature Nanatsusaya, the holy seven bladed sword, materialized in her hand. Lucifer backed up a step, unsure as to what she planned to do with that sword, just to run for his life when she screeched a battle cry and started swinging the sword around.
The other children watched in silence as Alexiel sprouted three wings and took off after their baby-sitter. Michael watched with his mouth hanging open, a hand resting on his lighter. Rosiel watched his sister closely, not blinking. Katan was ignoring everything around him while he went through the cereal and picked out all of the marshmallows, discarding the possibly nutritious pieces.
Alexiel chased after Lucifer around the kitchen, blocking him when he tried to escape through a door and a window. She cornered him and began advancing.
"Maybe we should stop her," Rosiel said, looking up at Michael.
He shrugged. "I guess."
Rosiel nodded and turned his attention to Katan, who was still picking through the cereal. "Katan?"
The toddler looked up at the Inorganic angel and smiled sweetly. "Yes, Rosi-chan?"
Rosiel rolled his eyes at the name. "Stop Alex-chan from hurting the baby-sitter."
Katan thought for a moment. "You mean… Help Luci-chan?"
Michael snickered from above while Rosiel answered. "Yes, help Luci-chan."
"Okay!" With that, Katan took a deep breath and screamed at the top of his lungs. Alexiel and Lucifer instantly froze.
"What the hell is going on over there?" he screamed over Katan's glass shattering screech. He inched around Alexiel, who's sword had disappeared, and ran to Katan; if anything happened to the kids, God would probably send him to do an even more horrid job.
Katan abruptly stopped screaming and smiled sweetly up at Lucifer. "I helped Luci-chan."
Lucifer's eye twitched a little when he heard his new name.
"I didn't want Luci-chan to get hurt," Katan continued while he pulled at his sticky hair.
"Oh… Well… Thanks…"
Katan smiled and went back to his marshmallows. Lucifer looked around, searching for Alexiel. She sat next to Michael on the counter, pouting with her arms crossed over her chest. Suddenly, Michael scoops up a handful of melted marshmallows and attacks Alexiel. She shrieks indignantly and fights back with more goo. Lucifer watched helplessly and Rosiel followed his sister's example and jumped on Katan, both of them rolling in the mess.
Oh, shit… I guess it's bath time… Lucifer slumped back against the counter behind him, a headache starting between his eyes.
~*~*~*~*~*~
After letting his headache ebb for a moment, Lucifer straightened and faced the children.
"All right, you snot-nosed whelps. It's bath time."
The kids instantly stop whatever they were doing and stared at Lucifer with wide eyes. Then, with no warning at all, they bolted. Alexiel ran towards the living room, Michael to a bedroom in the back of the house, Rosiel to the basement, and Katan just sat where he was and looked up at Lucifer with tears threatening to spill.
Lucifer looked down at the toddler and sighed. "What is it?"
"Rosi-chan left me…"
"So?"
"Rosi-chan never leaves me!" He burst into tears and screamed for Rosiel.
This is getting fucking ridiculous… Lucifer thought angrily. He scooped up Katan into his arms and set out to search for Rosiel first.
Holding Katan, Lucifer made his way towards where he saw Rosiel run. He looked into the living room on his way to the basement and saw Alexiel. She was huddled under a chair, watching for Lucifer's feet. When she saw them, she tried to hide further, but ended up backing out from under the chair. Lucifer walked over and, with a sigh, picked her up by the back of her shirt and went off to continue his search; Katan continued to scream the whole time.
Walking past a bedroom, presumably Katan's room judging by the happy animals and clowns everywhere in it, Lucifer spotted Michael hiding behind the curtains. Grumbling about torture and unusual punishment, Lucifer grabbed Michael's hand, pulled him out, and ordered him to hold onto Alexiel's hand.
Lucifer stood in the middle of the room, ignoring Katan's screaming and holding onto the back of Alexiel's shirt, while he thought. He decided to go after Rosiel in a direct route, and headed towards the basement.
Upon reaching the basement, Lucifer was ready to kill the train of children he currently had following him. Both Alexiel and Michael were complaining, and Katan was still screaming. He dragged them down into the basement and groaned in frustration. The basement was huge and packed to the ceiling with boxes. Lucifer dropped Alexiel and turned to her and Michael, trying to smile.
"Where is Rosiel?"
Alexiel and Michael looked at each other and back at Lucifer, shrugging.
Lucifer ground his teeth a little. "I'll let you… Watch a movie after your baths if you find him."
Both children looked at each other again. Alexiel, obviously the spokesperson, spoke up. "What movie?"
"The," he thinks for a moment, trying to decide on which movie he'd rather suffer through. "How about 'The Lucky Kitten'?"
Alexiel conferred with Michael for a moment, then turned back to Lucifer. "Okay." Alexiel and Michael ran off to search the boxes for Rosiel.
Lucifer sat down on the cold concrete floor, plopping Katan in his lap, to watch the other angels dive into boxes.
A half-hour later, Alexiel and Michael were victorious and came out dragging Rosiel behind them. When Katan saw Rosiel, he instantly stopped screaming and a smile spread across his face.
"Rosi-chan!"
"Shut up, booger…" was all that Rosiel said in reply. Katan, however, didn't seem to mind. He just giggled and ran to hug Rosiel around the waist.
Lucifer seized a piece of rope he saw and rounded up the children. He tied all of them together and, like they were a pack of dogs, dragged them up the stairs and towards the bathroom.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Getting all of the children undressed was an adventure in itself. Lucifer had locked himself and the children in the cramped bathroom so that none of them would wander away. Still tied together, the kids waited impatiently behind Lucifer as he got the water ready. He decided to kill two birds with one stone by bathing them all together.
Once the water was ready, Lucifer pulled the kids towards him and, unbinding them one at a time, tossed them into the large bathtub. Alexiel and Rosiel ended up next to each other and Alexiel started to splash her brother. Michael and Katan soon followed suit.
Lucifer was getting very tired of babysitting. The kid's parents had called earlier and said that they would be home at 8:00pm. That, thankfully enough, was in one hour. However, Lucifer has more pressing matters to deal with. The bathroom was slowly being flooded with the bath water from the splashing war.
"Knock it off, you fu--" Alexiel promptly splashed water in Lucifer's face before he could say anything further.
"You'll pay for that, bit--" Again, Alexiel's splash cut him off. Michael, Rosiel, and Katan were enjoying watching the whole exchange.
"All right! I'll stop swearing!"
Alexiel sat back, content for the moment. Lucifer got the kids clean after fighting with the dried marshmallows in their hair and Rosiel's fear of soap. After getting them dressed, Lucifer cleaned up the bathroom and herded the kids into the sofa-less living room just in time to hear their parents come home. All four children cheered when they heard the car door slam shut. Wait, one door?
Lucifer ran to the window and pushed the children back. Only Mrs. Cheerful came home… Lucifer went to the door and opened it before Mrs. Cheerful could get her key out.
"Why the hell are only you home?" he asked rudely.
Mrs. Cheerful smiled up at him, her eyes getting lost in wrinkles. "Oh, I'm sorry, dear. My cell phone battery died when I tried to call here. I'm afraid that you'll have to stay the night with the children…"
Lucifer cut her off. "I am not staying even one more hour with these God damn, bug eating, marshmallow melting, fucking kids! I would rather die than stay here!"
Lucifer ran past Mrs. Cheerful and into the street. He glared up at the sky and screamed, "God, you had better be listening to me! I'd rather spend eternity in fucking Hell before I baby-sit those brats again!" He screamed again in frustration and was promptly struck down by a streak of lighting.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Lucifer sat happily in the depths of Hell. He was happy because he had just taken it over and ruled it as his own.
"Well, at least it's warm down here," Lucifer said smugly to himself.
And Lucifer lived childless, warm, and happily ever after.
~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N: Whoo! I finished! And I'm rather happy with the results of my two week long project. I really hope I didn't offend anyone. Please review! ^__^