Author's Note:
This is the Very Secret Diaries of Harry Potter. I snuck into his dormitory and yanked it straight from his bedside. He'll never know. So I bring it to you, loyal reader, for sheer pleasure and enjoyment.
HARRY POTTER
DAY ONE
Damn aunt and uncle. I got a letter for me, first one I ever got, and they ripped it up. (Well, Uncle Vernon ripped it up, but it's Aunt Petunia's fault too). Dudley's getting fatter. Wait, did I "Dudley's getting fatter"? I'm sorry. I mean to say the whale is increasing its size. I think he might be pregnant. I think its time for Uncle Vernon to have a talk with him about the birds and the bees. He was on an eating roll. Wouldn't be surprised if he shits up glass plate next week. Stupid fat people.
DAY THREE
Damnit, it's Stupidhead's birthday today. Honestly, who cares? The only growing he does each year is width. Oh well, Pierce Polkins is coming over, stupid prat. He couldn't recognize an answer to a problem in school if it was giving him a lapdance. Mrs. Figg broke her leg (yes!) so I don't have to listen to that old hag talk about her stupid cats. I just really wanna shove one of those cats you know where and never see her again. But I can't do that, because it's probably another year before I see her again. Off to the zoo, to see some of Dudley's relatives.
LATER
Wow. I can talk to snakes. Excuse me while I find a container for my joy. Stupid Dudley. Almost got eaten by the snake. How dim can you get? By the way, I saw Dudley's cousin. His name is Wilbur, and he's a pig. Oh ya, and I'm stuck in this infernos cupboard! Stupid relatives.
DAY FIVE
Never woulda thought that someone wanted me this much. More letters today, about twenty of em. Uncle Fatty burned em though. I think they might have drugs in it, 'cuz he looked a bit weird when he threw 'em in the fire. At least he won't notice that I cut up his bedsheets with his company scissors.
DAY SIX
He noticed. Stuck in cupboard, no way to get. Uncle Vernon closed that stupid venty thingie on the door. Now I'm stuck in here with spiders and myself. Damnit, I can't believed I've lived so far three hours without watching Playboy on Dudley's TV. Oh well, there's always another way.
DAY SEVEN
Remind me never to try that again. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon woulda left me in the cupboard until Christmas as a further punishment, but they were afraid I might do it again. I think we need more floor cleaner. So, I got to stay in Dudley's extra room. He says he uses it to store extra toys, but I think it's where him and his real close buddies hang out. No wonder it's always dark in there.
DAY TWELVE
More letters from no one. Actually, I don't know if they're from no one. I mean, they're obviously from someone, because no one can't just send you a letter. Anyway, Uncle Vernon burned em again. I still think that they have drugs in them, because afterwards, he was boarding up the cracks in the doors and singing "Tiptoe through the tulips." See what drugs do to people?
DAY FOURTEEN
Now I've seen everything (except Dudley on a diet). And for once, I was so sure that I wouldn't get any more "blasted letters" that vat of lard of an uncle I've got calls them. "No post on Sundays!" Stupid fool. Of course there's post on Sundays! But I admit: he did have me going for a sec. But honestly, the mailman's gone way too far. First, he delivers letters wrapped in egg cartons and milk bottles. And now he's having owls deliver the letters loads at a time - through the bloody fireplace! And I thought Dudley was the dumbest person in the world. Stupid douche. Now I'm in the freakin' car, listening to chunky over here complaining about how he can't watch his favorite programs. Hey, fatso! Try and live without playboy why don't ya? God, what a stupid douche.
LATER
Great, another one of Dudley's cousins. Well, he's more like an uncle, looking at his age. So we're sitting in this little hut (some runaway place!) when someone bangs on the door. Crackhead over here (Dudley) wakes up, shouting "Where's the cannon?" And I'm thinking, "I wish I had one. I'd stuff you straight in it and wouldn't help you out." But, I'd probably get locked in my cupboard again. Wouldn't want that, after I moved into my new room, now, would I? Speaking of which, I need to bring Aunt Petunia up there again. Same problem. I just can't find a less messy way to do it! Well, this big scary guy told me I'm a wizard, right? And I'm thinking "Burnin' letters with my uncle, have you?" But I kept my mouth shut. That umbrella looked like it would hurt. Except for the fact that it was pink.
DAY FIFTEEN
Stupid douches. The Dursley's lied to me about mum and dad dying in a car crash. I don't know how they died, but I think Lucy in the sky with diamonds was the last girl they saw, know what I mean. They died and got carried away to the afterlife in the yellow submarine. I think they were friends of this guy's. Uncle Vernon used to say that my dad was unemployed and had to stand in the unemployed line day in and day out. And I'm thinking, he didn't stand in lines, he did lines! Damn drugs.
DAY SIXTEEN
Maybe this guy's sneakin' me some acid or something, because what he told me about magic and all seems to be true. He took me to this real freaky place called The Leaky Cauldron (now how many acid trips did it take to come up with that?) It's some sorta pub. And all these people start shaking my hand, saying "Welcome back Mr. Potter." And here I am, getting as far away as possible, because God knows what stupid disease these people have. I think it was like, National Get High As You Can Day. Goddamn drugs. Goddamn douches. I hate douches! And I hate drugs! And I hate douches on drugs! And I hate doing drugs and not knowing it. It takes the fun out of it all.
DAY SEVETEEN
Back at the house. The letters mysteriously disappeared. Who gives a shit? I'm getting away from this hell-hole! Go magic, and hogshit, or whatever that school was called. When I get there, I'm kissing Professor McGoogle or whatever for saving me. Vernon and Petunia still hafta get Dudley's tail removed. How stupid can a person get? Hagrid (the big guy) said he really tried to turn him into a pig. But he said there was nothing else to add except a tail. For once, I openly agree with Dudley's obesity.
DAY TWENTY-FIVE
Dudley's got to go to a private doctor in London to get his tail removed (snort). I poked him a lot, asking him to squeak, but he just got mad and punched me in the face. Stupid douche. So, now I'm on a train called the Hogwarts Express and I'm really startin' to grow on this magic stuff. But honestly, departing from Platform 9 ¾ is a bit overdoing. Can't these secret wizard people just use platform nine or ten. Make up your goddamn mind, would ya please? Speaking of which, my damn owl won't shut its beak. Hagrid bought me a nice snowy owl. She's cute, but I wish it were legal to beat your pets. I named her Hedwig. I don't remember if it was after getting high or not, but who cares?
LATER
Yay. I made a friend. He's name's Ron. He seems cool. But he's got a bit of dirt on his nose, stupid douche. It's a bit distracting when he's trying to talk to you. It's like, "Your Harry Potter! Wow, I blahdeblahdeblahdududblahdeblah." And I'm just starin' at the shit on his nose, wondering "Is that.spam?" You know what, I'm actually starting to think all this magic crap isn't just a crock-o-shit. I mean, Vernon and Petunia obviously knew it was real, and trust them to know the truth. Stupid Aunt Petunia spends her whole damn day spying on the people next door. And they're one of the biggest douchey families in the universe. They just don't do anything. They believe in the law too much. And believe, concerning the law and sticking to it, there is definitely a line, and they have surely crossed it.
EVEN LATER
My god I hate bossy people. I also hate people with toads. Well, come to think of it, I just plain old hate toads. So Ron and me are sitting there, munching on these weird candies when the compartment door slides open and some round-faced boy asked us if we'd seen a toad. I mean, honestly, how dim do you have to be to lose a bloody toad. Aren't they sticky? Can't you just stick it to your back pocket and be done with? And then, another girl, named Hermione came in, with the very dim toadless boy. To tell the truth, she was kind of hot, but I wouldn't admit it, because she talked to fast. I mean, imagine trying to "have fun" with her, and she's like "Oh Harryohmygodyouwon'tbelievewhatireadyesterdaybladadadadadadadadadaandtheniwe nttothestoreandtheseuglylittlefurrymenwerelikehellogirl." That would just scare me.
EVEN LATERER
The compartment door slid open again, but thank God it wasn't Hermione the muggle-born or Neville the Toadless (sounds like royal names, don't it?) A pointy face boy came in with his pet gorillas and started bossing us around. I saw him in Diagon Alley, but he didn't have his pets with him. AND honestly, he is one of the stupidest I've met this train ride. Hermione wasn't stupid, just annoying. And Neville was very dim, but not that stupid. This kid is. I mean, he gave his gorillas the stupidest names: Crabbe and Goyle. HA! He tried to steal our food, but the non-yellow rat Scabbers bit him, bless his little rat heart.
EVEN LATERERER
I'm in the dormitory now, but boy were the last few hours scary. I saw the giant guy again. He remembered my name! And I'd never. Well, first off, I am a bit scared. I mean, I understand the whole magic thing: you know, wave the wand, mutter some funny sounding words, bam! You're done! But honestly, a talking hat! I mean, I didn't hate it or anything, but it is a little farfetched. I mean, at first I thought I'd have to pull a rabbit out of it (you know, that old gig), but then it started singing. So I though it was like some sort of American Idol, but for wizards. You know, like "The British Deity!" The hat is probably the model contestant, for everyone applauded when it finished singing. But nah, that's impossible. Turns out all we had to do was try on the hat (Ha! And I thought magic was gonna be hard! I'll get passing marks each term: A in Robewear, A in Hat Styling, A in Chamber Pot Designing, but probably a B in women's clothing. I never looked great in that.) Stupid hat put in me in Gryffindor (supposedly the best house), when I wanted Slytherin all along! I was only fibbing when I said 'Not Slytherin, not Slytherin.' Then the hat said 'Not Slytherin eh?' and I was saying, 'No, no!' and shaking my head, but I guess that hat thought I was saying 'No, I don't want to be in Slytherin!' Damn! Now I'm with a bunch of 'good people.' And they don't even do drugs! Stupid non-believers! Stupid hippie haters! Argh! Maybe I'll just kill myself. I can have Hedwig do it. Ooh! I could be clawed to death! Sweet!
DAY TWENTY-SIX
Yuck. Don't know what to say. Magic isn't that easy after all, and I don't have any classes that seem like the lesson plan came out of a Ralph Lauren magazine. Nope, I have Transfiguration (I'd love to transfigure Dudley into something a lot smaller than he is.like a giant!), potions (if only I knew a death potion, I'd concoct one like that! Go death!), Charms (and no, that's not bracelet making class.), Defense Against the Dark Arts (sounds like a way to avoid a really bad style of painting), Herbology (mmm.drugs.),and Astronomy (can't crack a joke about that because we've all heard of it before. Ah hell I'll try: Astronomy...haha....um.....haha! Ha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ha. Fuck off. Ha.)
LATER
Oh Goddman that redneck Malfoy! Stupid ass, makes fun of me all the time. I mean, he was smiling, and I'm thinking "you looked in the mirror this morning, didn't you? No reason to smile, eh?" Oh well, his pet gorillas don't really help either.Oh well. Hope I have a better day tomorrow. And wasn't McGonagall supposed to turn into a cat in the third year? That's what I heard.
FINALLY! Some more of Harry's diary. Sorry on the slowness of the arrival, but The Fat Lady wouldn't let me in, stupid prat. I know it's not much, but I'm making good friends with Neville. He feeds me the passwords.
Disclaimer: I surely did not invent the idea of The Very Secret Diaries, but Cassandra Claire, who did, gave me permission to use the idea. Plus, as you all know, I did not invent anything in Harry Potter and it all belongs to JK Rowling.
This is the Very Secret Diaries of Harry Potter. I snuck into his dormitory and yanked it straight from his bedside. He'll never know. So I bring it to you, loyal reader, for sheer pleasure and enjoyment.
HARRY POTTER
DAY ONE
Damn aunt and uncle. I got a letter for me, first one I ever got, and they ripped it up. (Well, Uncle Vernon ripped it up, but it's Aunt Petunia's fault too). Dudley's getting fatter. Wait, did I "Dudley's getting fatter"? I'm sorry. I mean to say the whale is increasing its size. I think he might be pregnant. I think its time for Uncle Vernon to have a talk with him about the birds and the bees. He was on an eating roll. Wouldn't be surprised if he shits up glass plate next week. Stupid fat people.
DAY THREE
Damnit, it's Stupidhead's birthday today. Honestly, who cares? The only growing he does each year is width. Oh well, Pierce Polkins is coming over, stupid prat. He couldn't recognize an answer to a problem in school if it was giving him a lapdance. Mrs. Figg broke her leg (yes!) so I don't have to listen to that old hag talk about her stupid cats. I just really wanna shove one of those cats you know where and never see her again. But I can't do that, because it's probably another year before I see her again. Off to the zoo, to see some of Dudley's relatives.
LATER
Wow. I can talk to snakes. Excuse me while I find a container for my joy. Stupid Dudley. Almost got eaten by the snake. How dim can you get? By the way, I saw Dudley's cousin. His name is Wilbur, and he's a pig. Oh ya, and I'm stuck in this infernos cupboard! Stupid relatives.
DAY FIVE
Never woulda thought that someone wanted me this much. More letters today, about twenty of em. Uncle Fatty burned em though. I think they might have drugs in it, 'cuz he looked a bit weird when he threw 'em in the fire. At least he won't notice that I cut up his bedsheets with his company scissors.
DAY SIX
He noticed. Stuck in cupboard, no way to get. Uncle Vernon closed that stupid venty thingie on the door. Now I'm stuck in here with spiders and myself. Damnit, I can't believed I've lived so far three hours without watching Playboy on Dudley's TV. Oh well, there's always another way.
DAY SEVEN
Remind me never to try that again. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon woulda left me in the cupboard until Christmas as a further punishment, but they were afraid I might do it again. I think we need more floor cleaner. So, I got to stay in Dudley's extra room. He says he uses it to store extra toys, but I think it's where him and his real close buddies hang out. No wonder it's always dark in there.
DAY TWELVE
More letters from no one. Actually, I don't know if they're from no one. I mean, they're obviously from someone, because no one can't just send you a letter. Anyway, Uncle Vernon burned em again. I still think that they have drugs in them, because afterwards, he was boarding up the cracks in the doors and singing "Tiptoe through the tulips." See what drugs do to people?
DAY FOURTEEN
Now I've seen everything (except Dudley on a diet). And for once, I was so sure that I wouldn't get any more "blasted letters" that vat of lard of an uncle I've got calls them. "No post on Sundays!" Stupid fool. Of course there's post on Sundays! But I admit: he did have me going for a sec. But honestly, the mailman's gone way too far. First, he delivers letters wrapped in egg cartons and milk bottles. And now he's having owls deliver the letters loads at a time - through the bloody fireplace! And I thought Dudley was the dumbest person in the world. Stupid douche. Now I'm in the freakin' car, listening to chunky over here complaining about how he can't watch his favorite programs. Hey, fatso! Try and live without playboy why don't ya? God, what a stupid douche.
LATER
Great, another one of Dudley's cousins. Well, he's more like an uncle, looking at his age. So we're sitting in this little hut (some runaway place!) when someone bangs on the door. Crackhead over here (Dudley) wakes up, shouting "Where's the cannon?" And I'm thinking, "I wish I had one. I'd stuff you straight in it and wouldn't help you out." But, I'd probably get locked in my cupboard again. Wouldn't want that, after I moved into my new room, now, would I? Speaking of which, I need to bring Aunt Petunia up there again. Same problem. I just can't find a less messy way to do it! Well, this big scary guy told me I'm a wizard, right? And I'm thinking "Burnin' letters with my uncle, have you?" But I kept my mouth shut. That umbrella looked like it would hurt. Except for the fact that it was pink.
DAY FIFTEEN
Stupid douches. The Dursley's lied to me about mum and dad dying in a car crash. I don't know how they died, but I think Lucy in the sky with diamonds was the last girl they saw, know what I mean. They died and got carried away to the afterlife in the yellow submarine. I think they were friends of this guy's. Uncle Vernon used to say that my dad was unemployed and had to stand in the unemployed line day in and day out. And I'm thinking, he didn't stand in lines, he did lines! Damn drugs.
DAY SIXTEEN
Maybe this guy's sneakin' me some acid or something, because what he told me about magic and all seems to be true. He took me to this real freaky place called The Leaky Cauldron (now how many acid trips did it take to come up with that?) It's some sorta pub. And all these people start shaking my hand, saying "Welcome back Mr. Potter." And here I am, getting as far away as possible, because God knows what stupid disease these people have. I think it was like, National Get High As You Can Day. Goddamn drugs. Goddamn douches. I hate douches! And I hate drugs! And I hate douches on drugs! And I hate doing drugs and not knowing it. It takes the fun out of it all.
DAY SEVETEEN
Back at the house. The letters mysteriously disappeared. Who gives a shit? I'm getting away from this hell-hole! Go magic, and hogshit, or whatever that school was called. When I get there, I'm kissing Professor McGoogle or whatever for saving me. Vernon and Petunia still hafta get Dudley's tail removed. How stupid can a person get? Hagrid (the big guy) said he really tried to turn him into a pig. But he said there was nothing else to add except a tail. For once, I openly agree with Dudley's obesity.
DAY TWENTY-FIVE
Dudley's got to go to a private doctor in London to get his tail removed (snort). I poked him a lot, asking him to squeak, but he just got mad and punched me in the face. Stupid douche. So, now I'm on a train called the Hogwarts Express and I'm really startin' to grow on this magic stuff. But honestly, departing from Platform 9 ¾ is a bit overdoing. Can't these secret wizard people just use platform nine or ten. Make up your goddamn mind, would ya please? Speaking of which, my damn owl won't shut its beak. Hagrid bought me a nice snowy owl. She's cute, but I wish it were legal to beat your pets. I named her Hedwig. I don't remember if it was after getting high or not, but who cares?
LATER
Yay. I made a friend. He's name's Ron. He seems cool. But he's got a bit of dirt on his nose, stupid douche. It's a bit distracting when he's trying to talk to you. It's like, "Your Harry Potter! Wow, I blahdeblahdeblahdududblahdeblah." And I'm just starin' at the shit on his nose, wondering "Is that.spam?" You know what, I'm actually starting to think all this magic crap isn't just a crock-o-shit. I mean, Vernon and Petunia obviously knew it was real, and trust them to know the truth. Stupid Aunt Petunia spends her whole damn day spying on the people next door. And they're one of the biggest douchey families in the universe. They just don't do anything. They believe in the law too much. And believe, concerning the law and sticking to it, there is definitely a line, and they have surely crossed it.
EVEN LATER
My god I hate bossy people. I also hate people with toads. Well, come to think of it, I just plain old hate toads. So Ron and me are sitting there, munching on these weird candies when the compartment door slides open and some round-faced boy asked us if we'd seen a toad. I mean, honestly, how dim do you have to be to lose a bloody toad. Aren't they sticky? Can't you just stick it to your back pocket and be done with? And then, another girl, named Hermione came in, with the very dim toadless boy. To tell the truth, she was kind of hot, but I wouldn't admit it, because she talked to fast. I mean, imagine trying to "have fun" with her, and she's like "Oh Harryohmygodyouwon'tbelievewhatireadyesterdaybladadadadadadadadadaandtheniwe nttothestoreandtheseuglylittlefurrymenwerelikehellogirl." That would just scare me.
EVEN LATERER
The compartment door slid open again, but thank God it wasn't Hermione the muggle-born or Neville the Toadless (sounds like royal names, don't it?) A pointy face boy came in with his pet gorillas and started bossing us around. I saw him in Diagon Alley, but he didn't have his pets with him. AND honestly, he is one of the stupidest I've met this train ride. Hermione wasn't stupid, just annoying. And Neville was very dim, but not that stupid. This kid is. I mean, he gave his gorillas the stupidest names: Crabbe and Goyle. HA! He tried to steal our food, but the non-yellow rat Scabbers bit him, bless his little rat heart.
EVEN LATERERER
I'm in the dormitory now, but boy were the last few hours scary. I saw the giant guy again. He remembered my name! And I'd never. Well, first off, I am a bit scared. I mean, I understand the whole magic thing: you know, wave the wand, mutter some funny sounding words, bam! You're done! But honestly, a talking hat! I mean, I didn't hate it or anything, but it is a little farfetched. I mean, at first I thought I'd have to pull a rabbit out of it (you know, that old gig), but then it started singing. So I though it was like some sort of American Idol, but for wizards. You know, like "The British Deity!" The hat is probably the model contestant, for everyone applauded when it finished singing. But nah, that's impossible. Turns out all we had to do was try on the hat (Ha! And I thought magic was gonna be hard! I'll get passing marks each term: A in Robewear, A in Hat Styling, A in Chamber Pot Designing, but probably a B in women's clothing. I never looked great in that.) Stupid hat put in me in Gryffindor (supposedly the best house), when I wanted Slytherin all along! I was only fibbing when I said 'Not Slytherin, not Slytherin.' Then the hat said 'Not Slytherin eh?' and I was saying, 'No, no!' and shaking my head, but I guess that hat thought I was saying 'No, I don't want to be in Slytherin!' Damn! Now I'm with a bunch of 'good people.' And they don't even do drugs! Stupid non-believers! Stupid hippie haters! Argh! Maybe I'll just kill myself. I can have Hedwig do it. Ooh! I could be clawed to death! Sweet!
DAY TWENTY-SIX
Yuck. Don't know what to say. Magic isn't that easy after all, and I don't have any classes that seem like the lesson plan came out of a Ralph Lauren magazine. Nope, I have Transfiguration (I'd love to transfigure Dudley into something a lot smaller than he is.like a giant!), potions (if only I knew a death potion, I'd concoct one like that! Go death!), Charms (and no, that's not bracelet making class.), Defense Against the Dark Arts (sounds like a way to avoid a really bad style of painting), Herbology (mmm.drugs.),and Astronomy (can't crack a joke about that because we've all heard of it before. Ah hell I'll try: Astronomy...haha....um.....haha! Ha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ha. Fuck off. Ha.)
LATER
Oh Goddman that redneck Malfoy! Stupid ass, makes fun of me all the time. I mean, he was smiling, and I'm thinking "you looked in the mirror this morning, didn't you? No reason to smile, eh?" Oh well, his pet gorillas don't really help either.Oh well. Hope I have a better day tomorrow. And wasn't McGonagall supposed to turn into a cat in the third year? That's what I heard.
FINALLY! Some more of Harry's diary. Sorry on the slowness of the arrival, but The Fat Lady wouldn't let me in, stupid prat. I know it's not much, but I'm making good friends with Neville. He feeds me the passwords.
Disclaimer: I surely did not invent the idea of The Very Secret Diaries, but Cassandra Claire, who did, gave me permission to use the idea. Plus, as you all know, I did not invent anything in Harry Potter and it all belongs to JK Rowling.