Authors Notes: Okay, I'm working on the revisions bit; some of those things
really annoy me. However, because I know that most of you readers out
there would rather read a new chapter than have me correct the old
material, I'll switch between them, making it the first priority to write
new chapters ^_^. When I do make the revisions I will make them all at
once, so maybe I should just wait until I'm done. Thank yous go out to
Starcat starfall13 and Layde Black for reviewing! No one's tried for the
surprise yet, so Ill keep it going for a while... If anyone wants to try.
You have to leave an email address though. Fun little omake I created..
Anyway, I know I've been writing long authors notes, but it's FUN! And how
am I supposed to explain anything without them? Even if the story isn't
really depressing right now (this is a mostly GOOD time in Heero's life),
the AN is still the only time I get to goof off in this fic. and sometimes
I really want to goof off or ramble a bit. No one's complained about the
length, but I'll try to keep it shorter. (And yes, I am aware that there
is a lot of staring, watching and shrugging going on, but what am I
supposed to do? Not everyone starts to rant like Duo when they're
surprised!)
***** Okay, the orders: Lowest order is Order of sparrow; it's usually what you become when you accepted into a flock. Second is the Order of Songbirds, gained after a suitable time period, number of missions or certain skill level on all flights (flights can refer to the event of being flown). Third is Order of Falcons, awarded on the same circumstances as Songbird but with higher expectations (most Owls and Raptors are these). Fourth Order of Eagle, achieved by all Captains and many Owls and Raptors. This requires completion and high marks on a strenuous test and completing a mission on as the commander of a small group. It cannot be received by anyone not an Owl or Raptor. And the highest is Order of Phoenix, held only by the heads of Owl and Raptor (for now). They received these by showing exceptional talent, skill and leadership ability. Their orders are topped only by Phoenix himself. All Owls and Raptors other than Captains are either Falcons or Eagles. ******
On to the chapter!! *_*
By the way: did you know today is opposites day? Everything from the end of this sentence to the chapter title is actually the opposite.
Disclaimer: I OWN GUNDAM WING!!! I AM COMPLETELY SANE!! THE WORLD IS ENDING!!!
Chapter 9: Sticks and Stones (Part Two)
(And for those of you who argue that the opposite is actually ' I am not incompletely insane' if you think about it, that's the point; and that it's actually 'the world is not beginning' well duh! Where have you been for the last couple billion years? * ducks the various flying objects until she is finally hit by someone's well aimed sandal * @_@)
Three days after I had managed to set my own broken leg I was thoroughly tired of the whole business. The cast itched, I couldn't move well, people treated me like I couldn't hear, see or speak as well as walk, and no one would believe me when I told them it was healed, I didn't need the crutches any longer; could I please return to controlling my own movements?
So, after a particularly frustrating episode where I wasted half an hour arguing with Harris that yes, I could do more than meditate, I took the stupid thing off and threw the crutches away. Harris had barely enough time to look surprised before I kicked his legs out from under him. Using the UNHURT foot; I wasn't stupid enough to think the brake was healed so much it wouldn't hurt to kick something. I would walk with a limp for a few days, but at least I would be walking. Harris stood up, glaring at me.
"If you're going to be that stubborn, then don't blame me if it breaks again! I refuse to be responsible for your foolishness!"
"No one would hold you responsible and it's my body. I can do what I want with it." He shook his head, hid eyes overly bright.
"Cardinal would care, he would hold me responsible. If you think you can just throw away your life as a Hawk before it even starts then think again! It may be your body, but if you go at the rate you have been you'll kill yourself before the next flight. I'm not going to let you disappoint Cardinal like that." That was when I started to realize just how important Cardinal was. He was the head of the Raptors, the highest flock; I had supposed it was because he was the best. But now, looking at Harris and how upset he was that I might disappoint his Captain, I realized there was more to it than that. Cardinal was a leader. He made everyone he met feel important, feel that they had something no one else did. In a place full of orphans it was perfect. Those he led would do everything in their power to return the faith he had in them.
I looked down from Harris' angry and desperate eyes, unable to face him. I hadn't realized it was so important to him. But I understood what he meant, because Cardinal's kindness was more important to me than any training I could do.
"Is there any training you can give me that wouldn't bother it?" He nodded, recovering his composure.
"We can work on your balance, it'll give you more control over your body. If we'd had time to do this before you might have been able to catch yourself before you hit the ground." He made a weak attempt at a smile and I just nodded. How hard could it be?
One hour later, as every muscle in my body complained of the slightest movement, I almost regretted taking the cast off. I could have put up with it. But another part of me argued that this was a good thing, and I'd have to learn it later if I didn't learn it now. Most of my mind and all of my body however, didn't care. I was just relieved that I wouldn't be doing anything truly strenuous for the rest of the day. Sniping, computers, mechanics, math and music. Nothing that would exhaust beyond my limits.
When I got to my new computer, math and mechanic classes I was surprised to see that most of the class was made up of Hawks. In fact all of the computer class was Hawks. Highly ranked hawks. Raptors and Owls. The room was filled with red and black and flashing steel pins. I stuck out like a sore thumb in the bluejeans and green t-shirt I had been given to replace my old close. Not to mention my obvious age and size. I could hear the mutters of surprise as I walked into the class, a little late because it was on the other side of the base from my last class. Some of the Hawks knew who I was, mostly Raptors. None of the Owls had a clue, and they were getting a little more vocal in their indignation that a fledgling was even in their same classroom.
"Hey, what's a little fledgling like you doing in this class? You got a message for someone kid?" I shook my head, looking for somewhere to sit. Everyone was in two person teams. No one seemed to be in need of a partner, or willing to take me even if they did.
"You answer your superior officers fledgling, what are you doing here?" I glared up at the older boy. He was big, tall and muscular, probably around 14 or 15 and hitting a growth spurt. I could see from his badges that he was of high rank, an Owl, Order of Eagle. All I could do was glare at him from under my messy bangs, absently noting that my hair hadn't been cut for nearly a year.
"This is my class." It was so satisfying to watch him stand there completely dumbfounded. I had answered with none of the respect or awe he was used to, and there was no uncertainty in what I said. It was my class, and I wouldn't be leaving to accommodate for his vanity. He decided on a different approach.
"What's your name?" Why? Why did they always have to ask that question? He'd probably never talk to me again so why did it matter? I sighed, starting to answer before I was interrupted.
"He's Hitokiri, the kid Cardinal brought in." The name certainly was spreading; I almost regretted ever saying the word. Almost. It did save time. It was a Raptor who had spoken; he was about 14 as well, and he towered over me at 5'6. I was still barely four feet. I had seen him in the distance sometimes, talking to Harris or Cooper; it was hard to miss the spiky orange hair and violet eyes. He smiled at me, thoroughly enjoying making a fool out of the other boy, if only because he was an Owl.
"So, you're the little monster who killed the old man and three of your comrades without thought or change in expression. Without any feeling at all." I stared at him in shock, quietly noting that the Hawks took the games as seriously as their own missions. Yes, I had done that. But I had had orders to that extent, and the 'comrades' were traitors. I had no regrets about it. So why did I feel this urge to justify myself? Why did those words hurt so much? For once I was thankful for the mask, glad it hid the horror and pain I was feeling. I shrugged at him, unable to think of anything else to do, and a flash of red sped across the front of the room. When it stopped at the table in front of the large viewing screen I was able to see who it was, though I had guessed already. Cardinal beamed at everyone in the class.
"Sorry I'm a little late, I had a short meeting with Phoenix. I understand we have someone new joining us?" He looked around questioningly but I was behind one of the computers, too short to be easily noticed. The Owl spoke up.
"Yeah, and guess who it is Cardinal, the little freak you brought in. The one who killed his comrades and broke his leg." Cardinal's eyes widened, then half closed in silent sympathy.
"Boyo?" he said it softly, letting me compose myself before answering. I stepped forward.
"I'm glad you're alright." I nodded, unsure what he was so worried about. But the kindness thawed a little of the mask and I was able to give him a small smile. His smile was not quite as bright as I remembered; he seemed to be thinking hard about something.
"Well, all the groups are full, so you'll have to work alone; if you have any questions, just ask me okay?" I nodded again and slipped into a seat near the front of the room, as far away from the loudmouthed Owl as I could get.
"Okay, let's get started." Cardinal led us through the lesson, explaining what he wanted us to do and different programs we could use to do it. The assignment was to create a holographic model of someone we respected, or someone who had had significant impact on our lives; because, as Cardinal pointed out when some of the Owls complained (the Raptors rarely complained, but then, they weren't competing with him), the human figure was one of the most complicated things in the world to construct. If we could do this he would know we could make it through anything else he gave us. All the hawks pulled out laptops or logged on to the available computers and began to work. I hadn't a clue what to do. My laptop had disappeared shortly after my conversation with Phoenix, and none of the nearby machines had the functions I wanted. A shadow fell over my desk and I looked up to see Cardinal, holding the laptop Odin had given me.
"Here boyo, Phoenix wanted you to have it back."
"Arigato." He smiled at me, still a little sad.
"That's one hell of a security system you got there boyo. And don't pay attention to what that loser says, some folk force blindness on themselves." I nodded, just to make him happier. I didn't mean it; part of me, a wild and stubborn part that included most of my childhood as a mutant, agreed with the Owl. I was a monster, a freak. What right did I have to ever take those lives, even if it was a game. I had meant it to be real. And I didn't regret any of it, especially the apparent emotionless attitude. That was what my entire life had been training me for. Monster. Mutant. Freak.
I stared at the blank screen of the only object I truly owned besides the handgun I had lost with Odin, feeling all the pain and frustration well up inside me, choking and drying my throat; tears pricked at my eyes and I pulled the mask down firmly. I would not show my weakness to them. Sighing out a little of the pain, I switched the machine on, knowing exactly what I would do. Holograms were fairly easy if you knew the language. Instead of going to one of the programs Cardinal suggested, I opened a word document and wrote the program from scratch. It helped to clear my mind of everything but the numbers before me. For a moment I considered who to create an image of, then the perfect answer came to me. There were pictures all through my mind of him. Some one who had made significant impact on my life? Heero Yuy was the reason I had been trained at all. Almost every significant change in my life could be traced to his death. I typed faster, constructing his face, his hair, and his eyes. The body was easy. Every picture I had ever seen of him had him dressed in a formal suit, usually tan in color, about 6'1 with dressy but comfortable black shoes and a metallic glint from a watch at his wrist. I finished typing and read over my work, making sure I hadn't left anything out. I saved it and looked around for Cardinal. He saw me and walked over, curious.
"Having trouble?"
"I'm done, but," I stopped, watching the incredulous expression in his eyes.
"You're done?" I nodded and showed him the document.
"I need a generator to feed it into." Cardinal stared blankly for a moment, then read the program through, checking for any errors.
"Great heavens boyo, where in the world did you learn this? It's perfect, and you didn't even use one of the programs.."
"I had a lot of training when I was younger and I've always been good with computers." It was the truth; I didn't ever want to lie to him. Of course if he had asked me where specifically and who had taught me I would have clammed up and refused to answer. But he didn't ask.
"Well, you've still got another hour so why don't you do another one, with the program this time."
"Can I make it move?" Cardinal smiled again.
"Sure thing boyo, do whatever you want."
When he called for everyone's attention an hour later I was ready with my two holograms completed and perfect. Some Hawks began groaning that they hadn't had enough time until Cardinal held up a hand for silence.
"I am aware that some of you need more time. However, there is something I want you to see. Come here boyo." I stood and walked to the front of the class. I hadn't panned on making a presentation of it!
"Boyo here has done something rather amazing, and I want all of you to see it. He wrote the program in a word document, completely from scratch. He held out his hands and I gave him my precious laptop. He plugged it in to the generator.
"Ready boyo? Your going to have to feed it in, I don't want to try and get past your security." I nodded and began the program. The hologram formed slowly, tracing a vague outline and slowly filling in details until Heero Yuy stood in front of the room. Of course, everyone recognized him.
"Care to tell us why you chose the dead pacifist leader of the colonies boyo?" I shrugged.
"Most every major change in my life can be traced to his death in some way." Cardinal nodded slowly, trying to understand what was behind the words.
"Why don't you put up the other one then?" I opened the program and waited. Odin Lowe appeared, seeming to walk out of the shadows near a second generator. He had a sniper rifle with him. 'Seeing' Heero Yuy, he got on one knee and raised the rifle to his shoulder. Aiming for his target's heart, he fired. And there it stopped, the bullet halfway between them. Cardinal cleared his throat. The room was deathly quiet.
"Who is that man boyo?"
"He's dead. Odin Lowe, OZ assassin and the closest thing I ever had to a father." I said the words in a soft monotone, the subject was still to tender to me to speak about normally and only iron control and over a year of intense training kept me from breaking into tears. Cardinal just nodded, but I could see something in his eyes. He knew that it had hurt me to say that, but he couldn't do anything to help me. The lunch bell rang then and we were all dismissed. It wasn't until later that afternoon that I understood what Cardinal had meant when he said, "I'm glad you're alright."
Not all of the boys were kind. In fact, most of them seemed to enjoy picking on others a great deal. And there I was, the perfect target. I rarely talked; I had no name. Not a real one anyway. I had killed four people without blinking an eye, three of whom had been fledglings themselves. Then there was my obvious superiority in many subjects, my unnaturally fast healing. All these were opportunities for the cruel and the ones who just wanted to have fun and didn't realize how deep their words bit. The whispers followed me everywhere.
"Hey Hitokiri, hey manslayer, where you going? Going to go kill some more comrades traitor?"
"Look at him, he's a freak I tell you. No one can heal that fast!"
"I never knew emotionless murderers could have such innocent eyes did you?"
"I think it's so they can kill you easier, you won't suspect them."
"He's an absolute monster, did you see him when he took down Harris? It was like he was a wild animal or something."
"I hear Cardinal found him alone, no connections at all. "
"Makes sense, who'd want a demon like that?"
"Fiend, devil-spawn. If it weren't for people like you there wouldn't be a war, everyone else could be happy.'
"Do us a favor and go kill yourself manslayer."
Some of the crueler ones accompanied their remarks with pinches or jabs or, when no one was around to see them, full punches. They were always careful to make sure the bruises wouldn't show. But after a certain point, I didn't care anymore. Their words were eating me alive, haunting every second of my waking hours and invading my dreams at night. In my misery I didn't even notice the concerned looks Harris and Cardinal gave me when I made mistakes in class. I didn't notice that I never spoke at all to anyone, or that there were some who tried to stand up for me; tried to stop the remarks and comfort me with remarks about how untrue it was. The assurances fell on deaf ears. I didn't want to hear it; I knew I was a mutant, a monster. I knew I was the unfeeling manslayer they said I was. And I almost took the advice to kill myself.
I was ready to do it. There was a courtyard off to the side of everything else perfect for the job; secluded and empty most of the time. I had stolen a handgun from my sniping course and I was ready and willing to end my life, which had brought me and everyone else nothing but pain. I raised the gun to my head.
"What do you think you're doing boyo?" I spun around, the mask dropping completely in surprise as Cardinal stepped out of the shadows near the courtyard wall, his eyes serious. There was no smile now. He held out his hand.
"Give me the gun boyo." I hesitated.
"Give it to me!" Helplessly I handed it over, the disappointment in his eyes burning me, searing across my soul to create more pain, more misery; but from an altogether different source. Cardinal sighed.
"I told you not to take them seriously. It doesn't mean anything." I couldn't face him. I lowered my head, my unruly shoulder length moss-brown hair slipping over my face to hide the tears in my eyes.
"But it's true." It was a hoarse whisper, strained and desperate as I struggled with the salty liquid trying to spill over onto my cheek.
"It isn't."
"Yes it is!" I yelled hysterically. "It's all true! I don't regret killing them! I didn't remember it was a game! I'm a murderer; I've always been a murderer! My whole life has been nothing but training to kill. I'm not even human! I'm a monster, an artificial soldier to kill as many as possible!" I couldn't go on; I collapsed in a sobbing, gasping heap at his feet mumbling over and over again, "I'm not even human.just a murderer.." Cardinal kneeled down and picked me up, settling himself on the ground and letting me cry into his shoulder as he stroked my hair and patted me on the back, whispering soothing words. When I had cried myself out leaving only the occasional hiccup behind he helped me sit up a little, wiping the tears from my cheeks gently.
"Tell me." That was all he said, but to me, it was an open door after a world of locked rooms. I told him everything. The project, the scientists, my own creation. I told him about the way they changed the kids, what they did to me before they sent me out into the world. Then I told him about Odin, the kindness he had given me and how much I had come to depend on his presence. Of his death and my reaction to it. When I had related everything up until the moment he found me we sat in silence for a little while.
"Eight years old...eight years old and your life is already screwed out of control." I tried to smile at him.
"It's not as if I can do anything about it but live every day for the present, with no regrets." Cardinal nodded.
"But you should have some fun boyo, some friends. You've got too kind a soul to be alone so much."
"I'm not kind."
"Yes, you are. You are very kind. It's just that training that sometimes gets in the way. Otherwise you wouldn't be crying over the suffering you've caused, and I wouldn't hold any of the respect for you that I have." I stared up at him, sure I had heard wrong.
"What?" He grinned at me.
"You're the most amazing person I've met in my life boyo. You radiate a spirit that's freer and wilder than everyone here put together. And though you may seem cold at first, as people get to know you better they realize that you're an absolute angel."
"An angel of death." He smiled softly and traced my cheek with his finger.
"Even an angel of death is beautiful and kind boyo. They grant mercy and peace. As you do."
Notes: Yes, I'm ending the chapter there. It's a pretty good place to end.if I did write more it'd just be them getting up and going back to the main buildings, or sitting out until they could watch the stars and Heero fell asleep on Cardinal's shoulder. Once again, I'd like to thank my reviewers ^o^. Track starts Monday, so I don't know when I'll be able to get the next chapter up but trust me: If I get more reviews, it will be faster than it would be otherwise. PLEASE REVIEW!! Next chapter will skip some time, to Heero's first flight, I think... and for anyone interested, I will still give out a surprise to anyone who can guess all the characters in the * random event * or the person who said the disclaimer. A little humor bit I thought of the other day.. But you have to leave your E-mail. I'd probably give it to you if you just tried (and Lauralanthalasa Solostran is Fantasy, DragonLance.). Also, Votes on Chance meetings and shonen ai are still being taken, but if you have an opinion, tell me soon 'cause I'm getting to where I'd use them. Please review, it's easy, it makes me happy, I write more, making you happy ne?
***** Okay, the orders: Lowest order is Order of sparrow; it's usually what you become when you accepted into a flock. Second is the Order of Songbirds, gained after a suitable time period, number of missions or certain skill level on all flights (flights can refer to the event of being flown). Third is Order of Falcons, awarded on the same circumstances as Songbird but with higher expectations (most Owls and Raptors are these). Fourth Order of Eagle, achieved by all Captains and many Owls and Raptors. This requires completion and high marks on a strenuous test and completing a mission on as the commander of a small group. It cannot be received by anyone not an Owl or Raptor. And the highest is Order of Phoenix, held only by the heads of Owl and Raptor (for now). They received these by showing exceptional talent, skill and leadership ability. Their orders are topped only by Phoenix himself. All Owls and Raptors other than Captains are either Falcons or Eagles. ******
On to the chapter!! *_*
By the way: did you know today is opposites day? Everything from the end of this sentence to the chapter title is actually the opposite.
Disclaimer: I OWN GUNDAM WING!!! I AM COMPLETELY SANE!! THE WORLD IS ENDING!!!
Chapter 9: Sticks and Stones (Part Two)
(And for those of you who argue that the opposite is actually ' I am not incompletely insane' if you think about it, that's the point; and that it's actually 'the world is not beginning' well duh! Where have you been for the last couple billion years? * ducks the various flying objects until she is finally hit by someone's well aimed sandal * @_@)
Three days after I had managed to set my own broken leg I was thoroughly tired of the whole business. The cast itched, I couldn't move well, people treated me like I couldn't hear, see or speak as well as walk, and no one would believe me when I told them it was healed, I didn't need the crutches any longer; could I please return to controlling my own movements?
So, after a particularly frustrating episode where I wasted half an hour arguing with Harris that yes, I could do more than meditate, I took the stupid thing off and threw the crutches away. Harris had barely enough time to look surprised before I kicked his legs out from under him. Using the UNHURT foot; I wasn't stupid enough to think the brake was healed so much it wouldn't hurt to kick something. I would walk with a limp for a few days, but at least I would be walking. Harris stood up, glaring at me.
"If you're going to be that stubborn, then don't blame me if it breaks again! I refuse to be responsible for your foolishness!"
"No one would hold you responsible and it's my body. I can do what I want with it." He shook his head, hid eyes overly bright.
"Cardinal would care, he would hold me responsible. If you think you can just throw away your life as a Hawk before it even starts then think again! It may be your body, but if you go at the rate you have been you'll kill yourself before the next flight. I'm not going to let you disappoint Cardinal like that." That was when I started to realize just how important Cardinal was. He was the head of the Raptors, the highest flock; I had supposed it was because he was the best. But now, looking at Harris and how upset he was that I might disappoint his Captain, I realized there was more to it than that. Cardinal was a leader. He made everyone he met feel important, feel that they had something no one else did. In a place full of orphans it was perfect. Those he led would do everything in their power to return the faith he had in them.
I looked down from Harris' angry and desperate eyes, unable to face him. I hadn't realized it was so important to him. But I understood what he meant, because Cardinal's kindness was more important to me than any training I could do.
"Is there any training you can give me that wouldn't bother it?" He nodded, recovering his composure.
"We can work on your balance, it'll give you more control over your body. If we'd had time to do this before you might have been able to catch yourself before you hit the ground." He made a weak attempt at a smile and I just nodded. How hard could it be?
One hour later, as every muscle in my body complained of the slightest movement, I almost regretted taking the cast off. I could have put up with it. But another part of me argued that this was a good thing, and I'd have to learn it later if I didn't learn it now. Most of my mind and all of my body however, didn't care. I was just relieved that I wouldn't be doing anything truly strenuous for the rest of the day. Sniping, computers, mechanics, math and music. Nothing that would exhaust beyond my limits.
When I got to my new computer, math and mechanic classes I was surprised to see that most of the class was made up of Hawks. In fact all of the computer class was Hawks. Highly ranked hawks. Raptors and Owls. The room was filled with red and black and flashing steel pins. I stuck out like a sore thumb in the bluejeans and green t-shirt I had been given to replace my old close. Not to mention my obvious age and size. I could hear the mutters of surprise as I walked into the class, a little late because it was on the other side of the base from my last class. Some of the Hawks knew who I was, mostly Raptors. None of the Owls had a clue, and they were getting a little more vocal in their indignation that a fledgling was even in their same classroom.
"Hey, what's a little fledgling like you doing in this class? You got a message for someone kid?" I shook my head, looking for somewhere to sit. Everyone was in two person teams. No one seemed to be in need of a partner, or willing to take me even if they did.
"You answer your superior officers fledgling, what are you doing here?" I glared up at the older boy. He was big, tall and muscular, probably around 14 or 15 and hitting a growth spurt. I could see from his badges that he was of high rank, an Owl, Order of Eagle. All I could do was glare at him from under my messy bangs, absently noting that my hair hadn't been cut for nearly a year.
"This is my class." It was so satisfying to watch him stand there completely dumbfounded. I had answered with none of the respect or awe he was used to, and there was no uncertainty in what I said. It was my class, and I wouldn't be leaving to accommodate for his vanity. He decided on a different approach.
"What's your name?" Why? Why did they always have to ask that question? He'd probably never talk to me again so why did it matter? I sighed, starting to answer before I was interrupted.
"He's Hitokiri, the kid Cardinal brought in." The name certainly was spreading; I almost regretted ever saying the word. Almost. It did save time. It was a Raptor who had spoken; he was about 14 as well, and he towered over me at 5'6. I was still barely four feet. I had seen him in the distance sometimes, talking to Harris or Cooper; it was hard to miss the spiky orange hair and violet eyes. He smiled at me, thoroughly enjoying making a fool out of the other boy, if only because he was an Owl.
"So, you're the little monster who killed the old man and three of your comrades without thought or change in expression. Without any feeling at all." I stared at him in shock, quietly noting that the Hawks took the games as seriously as their own missions. Yes, I had done that. But I had had orders to that extent, and the 'comrades' were traitors. I had no regrets about it. So why did I feel this urge to justify myself? Why did those words hurt so much? For once I was thankful for the mask, glad it hid the horror and pain I was feeling. I shrugged at him, unable to think of anything else to do, and a flash of red sped across the front of the room. When it stopped at the table in front of the large viewing screen I was able to see who it was, though I had guessed already. Cardinal beamed at everyone in the class.
"Sorry I'm a little late, I had a short meeting with Phoenix. I understand we have someone new joining us?" He looked around questioningly but I was behind one of the computers, too short to be easily noticed. The Owl spoke up.
"Yeah, and guess who it is Cardinal, the little freak you brought in. The one who killed his comrades and broke his leg." Cardinal's eyes widened, then half closed in silent sympathy.
"Boyo?" he said it softly, letting me compose myself before answering. I stepped forward.
"I'm glad you're alright." I nodded, unsure what he was so worried about. But the kindness thawed a little of the mask and I was able to give him a small smile. His smile was not quite as bright as I remembered; he seemed to be thinking hard about something.
"Well, all the groups are full, so you'll have to work alone; if you have any questions, just ask me okay?" I nodded again and slipped into a seat near the front of the room, as far away from the loudmouthed Owl as I could get.
"Okay, let's get started." Cardinal led us through the lesson, explaining what he wanted us to do and different programs we could use to do it. The assignment was to create a holographic model of someone we respected, or someone who had had significant impact on our lives; because, as Cardinal pointed out when some of the Owls complained (the Raptors rarely complained, but then, they weren't competing with him), the human figure was one of the most complicated things in the world to construct. If we could do this he would know we could make it through anything else he gave us. All the hawks pulled out laptops or logged on to the available computers and began to work. I hadn't a clue what to do. My laptop had disappeared shortly after my conversation with Phoenix, and none of the nearby machines had the functions I wanted. A shadow fell over my desk and I looked up to see Cardinal, holding the laptop Odin had given me.
"Here boyo, Phoenix wanted you to have it back."
"Arigato." He smiled at me, still a little sad.
"That's one hell of a security system you got there boyo. And don't pay attention to what that loser says, some folk force blindness on themselves." I nodded, just to make him happier. I didn't mean it; part of me, a wild and stubborn part that included most of my childhood as a mutant, agreed with the Owl. I was a monster, a freak. What right did I have to ever take those lives, even if it was a game. I had meant it to be real. And I didn't regret any of it, especially the apparent emotionless attitude. That was what my entire life had been training me for. Monster. Mutant. Freak.
I stared at the blank screen of the only object I truly owned besides the handgun I had lost with Odin, feeling all the pain and frustration well up inside me, choking and drying my throat; tears pricked at my eyes and I pulled the mask down firmly. I would not show my weakness to them. Sighing out a little of the pain, I switched the machine on, knowing exactly what I would do. Holograms were fairly easy if you knew the language. Instead of going to one of the programs Cardinal suggested, I opened a word document and wrote the program from scratch. It helped to clear my mind of everything but the numbers before me. For a moment I considered who to create an image of, then the perfect answer came to me. There were pictures all through my mind of him. Some one who had made significant impact on my life? Heero Yuy was the reason I had been trained at all. Almost every significant change in my life could be traced to his death. I typed faster, constructing his face, his hair, and his eyes. The body was easy. Every picture I had ever seen of him had him dressed in a formal suit, usually tan in color, about 6'1 with dressy but comfortable black shoes and a metallic glint from a watch at his wrist. I finished typing and read over my work, making sure I hadn't left anything out. I saved it and looked around for Cardinal. He saw me and walked over, curious.
"Having trouble?"
"I'm done, but," I stopped, watching the incredulous expression in his eyes.
"You're done?" I nodded and showed him the document.
"I need a generator to feed it into." Cardinal stared blankly for a moment, then read the program through, checking for any errors.
"Great heavens boyo, where in the world did you learn this? It's perfect, and you didn't even use one of the programs.."
"I had a lot of training when I was younger and I've always been good with computers." It was the truth; I didn't ever want to lie to him. Of course if he had asked me where specifically and who had taught me I would have clammed up and refused to answer. But he didn't ask.
"Well, you've still got another hour so why don't you do another one, with the program this time."
"Can I make it move?" Cardinal smiled again.
"Sure thing boyo, do whatever you want."
When he called for everyone's attention an hour later I was ready with my two holograms completed and perfect. Some Hawks began groaning that they hadn't had enough time until Cardinal held up a hand for silence.
"I am aware that some of you need more time. However, there is something I want you to see. Come here boyo." I stood and walked to the front of the class. I hadn't panned on making a presentation of it!
"Boyo here has done something rather amazing, and I want all of you to see it. He wrote the program in a word document, completely from scratch. He held out his hands and I gave him my precious laptop. He plugged it in to the generator.
"Ready boyo? Your going to have to feed it in, I don't want to try and get past your security." I nodded and began the program. The hologram formed slowly, tracing a vague outline and slowly filling in details until Heero Yuy stood in front of the room. Of course, everyone recognized him.
"Care to tell us why you chose the dead pacifist leader of the colonies boyo?" I shrugged.
"Most every major change in my life can be traced to his death in some way." Cardinal nodded slowly, trying to understand what was behind the words.
"Why don't you put up the other one then?" I opened the program and waited. Odin Lowe appeared, seeming to walk out of the shadows near a second generator. He had a sniper rifle with him. 'Seeing' Heero Yuy, he got on one knee and raised the rifle to his shoulder. Aiming for his target's heart, he fired. And there it stopped, the bullet halfway between them. Cardinal cleared his throat. The room was deathly quiet.
"Who is that man boyo?"
"He's dead. Odin Lowe, OZ assassin and the closest thing I ever had to a father." I said the words in a soft monotone, the subject was still to tender to me to speak about normally and only iron control and over a year of intense training kept me from breaking into tears. Cardinal just nodded, but I could see something in his eyes. He knew that it had hurt me to say that, but he couldn't do anything to help me. The lunch bell rang then and we were all dismissed. It wasn't until later that afternoon that I understood what Cardinal had meant when he said, "I'm glad you're alright."
Not all of the boys were kind. In fact, most of them seemed to enjoy picking on others a great deal. And there I was, the perfect target. I rarely talked; I had no name. Not a real one anyway. I had killed four people without blinking an eye, three of whom had been fledglings themselves. Then there was my obvious superiority in many subjects, my unnaturally fast healing. All these were opportunities for the cruel and the ones who just wanted to have fun and didn't realize how deep their words bit. The whispers followed me everywhere.
"Hey Hitokiri, hey manslayer, where you going? Going to go kill some more comrades traitor?"
"Look at him, he's a freak I tell you. No one can heal that fast!"
"I never knew emotionless murderers could have such innocent eyes did you?"
"I think it's so they can kill you easier, you won't suspect them."
"He's an absolute monster, did you see him when he took down Harris? It was like he was a wild animal or something."
"I hear Cardinal found him alone, no connections at all. "
"Makes sense, who'd want a demon like that?"
"Fiend, devil-spawn. If it weren't for people like you there wouldn't be a war, everyone else could be happy.'
"Do us a favor and go kill yourself manslayer."
Some of the crueler ones accompanied their remarks with pinches or jabs or, when no one was around to see them, full punches. They were always careful to make sure the bruises wouldn't show. But after a certain point, I didn't care anymore. Their words were eating me alive, haunting every second of my waking hours and invading my dreams at night. In my misery I didn't even notice the concerned looks Harris and Cardinal gave me when I made mistakes in class. I didn't notice that I never spoke at all to anyone, or that there were some who tried to stand up for me; tried to stop the remarks and comfort me with remarks about how untrue it was. The assurances fell on deaf ears. I didn't want to hear it; I knew I was a mutant, a monster. I knew I was the unfeeling manslayer they said I was. And I almost took the advice to kill myself.
I was ready to do it. There was a courtyard off to the side of everything else perfect for the job; secluded and empty most of the time. I had stolen a handgun from my sniping course and I was ready and willing to end my life, which had brought me and everyone else nothing but pain. I raised the gun to my head.
"What do you think you're doing boyo?" I spun around, the mask dropping completely in surprise as Cardinal stepped out of the shadows near the courtyard wall, his eyes serious. There was no smile now. He held out his hand.
"Give me the gun boyo." I hesitated.
"Give it to me!" Helplessly I handed it over, the disappointment in his eyes burning me, searing across my soul to create more pain, more misery; but from an altogether different source. Cardinal sighed.
"I told you not to take them seriously. It doesn't mean anything." I couldn't face him. I lowered my head, my unruly shoulder length moss-brown hair slipping over my face to hide the tears in my eyes.
"But it's true." It was a hoarse whisper, strained and desperate as I struggled with the salty liquid trying to spill over onto my cheek.
"It isn't."
"Yes it is!" I yelled hysterically. "It's all true! I don't regret killing them! I didn't remember it was a game! I'm a murderer; I've always been a murderer! My whole life has been nothing but training to kill. I'm not even human! I'm a monster, an artificial soldier to kill as many as possible!" I couldn't go on; I collapsed in a sobbing, gasping heap at his feet mumbling over and over again, "I'm not even human.just a murderer.." Cardinal kneeled down and picked me up, settling himself on the ground and letting me cry into his shoulder as he stroked my hair and patted me on the back, whispering soothing words. When I had cried myself out leaving only the occasional hiccup behind he helped me sit up a little, wiping the tears from my cheeks gently.
"Tell me." That was all he said, but to me, it was an open door after a world of locked rooms. I told him everything. The project, the scientists, my own creation. I told him about the way they changed the kids, what they did to me before they sent me out into the world. Then I told him about Odin, the kindness he had given me and how much I had come to depend on his presence. Of his death and my reaction to it. When I had related everything up until the moment he found me we sat in silence for a little while.
"Eight years old...eight years old and your life is already screwed out of control." I tried to smile at him.
"It's not as if I can do anything about it but live every day for the present, with no regrets." Cardinal nodded.
"But you should have some fun boyo, some friends. You've got too kind a soul to be alone so much."
"I'm not kind."
"Yes, you are. You are very kind. It's just that training that sometimes gets in the way. Otherwise you wouldn't be crying over the suffering you've caused, and I wouldn't hold any of the respect for you that I have." I stared up at him, sure I had heard wrong.
"What?" He grinned at me.
"You're the most amazing person I've met in my life boyo. You radiate a spirit that's freer and wilder than everyone here put together. And though you may seem cold at first, as people get to know you better they realize that you're an absolute angel."
"An angel of death." He smiled softly and traced my cheek with his finger.
"Even an angel of death is beautiful and kind boyo. They grant mercy and peace. As you do."
Notes: Yes, I'm ending the chapter there. It's a pretty good place to end.if I did write more it'd just be them getting up and going back to the main buildings, or sitting out until they could watch the stars and Heero fell asleep on Cardinal's shoulder. Once again, I'd like to thank my reviewers ^o^. Track starts Monday, so I don't know when I'll be able to get the next chapter up but trust me: If I get more reviews, it will be faster than it would be otherwise. PLEASE REVIEW!! Next chapter will skip some time, to Heero's first flight, I think... and for anyone interested, I will still give out a surprise to anyone who can guess all the characters in the * random event * or the person who said the disclaimer. A little humor bit I thought of the other day.. But you have to leave your E-mail. I'd probably give it to you if you just tried (and Lauralanthalasa Solostran is Fantasy, DragonLance.). Also, Votes on Chance meetings and shonen ai are still being taken, but if you have an opinion, tell me soon 'cause I'm getting to where I'd use them. Please review, it's easy, it makes me happy, I write more, making you happy ne?