@Authors Note: *creeps on to ff. net as quietly as she can * ....er..sorry
about the demand for reviews.heh. I was getting really frustrated and,
well.. my mind was filled with black hair, magic, and quidditch. Not
helpful for writing Gundam Wing. If you don't know what I'm talking about,
that's probably a good thing. But I really do NEED REVIEWS!!! I was able
to get over the Harry Potter bit by reading a couple shonen ai 1x2 fics so
I'm okay now, but I won't be able to do that for the next week or so. I
need reviews to keep my mind on track and remind myself that yes, someone
is reading the fic and wants me to post the next chapter.. * Hovse glares
at readers from it's position of hanging from the ceiling by it's tail*
-reviewreviewreviewreviewreview or I will encourage her to start on the HP
idea-
Ano..okay then, the chapter.. I'm hoping to make up for what I did in the last one (hope, hope, hope). I'm not sure how far I'll get but there could be some pretty weird stuff here, just to warn you. Thanks to Grim Hitokiri, I am shinigami and starcat for their reviews of chapter eight (Sticks and Stones 2) But no one reviewed Keep your enemies closer.. ( I blame that partly on ff. net messing up, partly on my timing, and partly on how I didn't accomplish something satisfactory, but you need to understand, I had to set it up right and it was supposed to be learning about the teammates. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!
* Scavenger refers to the Hawk who finds new fledglings and brings them in. Cardinal is Heero's scavenger.
Disclaimer: I'm tired, I have track practice in a few hours, it's going to be exhausting, if you really want to know then see the other chapters.
Chapter 10: Flight
I paced back and forth in front of the door; mentally reviewing everything I had learned in the last year and a half. I was self-consciously checking that every part of my uniform was perfect when it came to me. I was nervous. Me, Hitokiri, the silent, unemotional killer. Rick would have laughed if he knew, but he never would; he had left the Hawks several months back. My hands pulled on the shirt cuffs, ignoring my silent demand that my body stop fidgeting. It couldn't be that bad, Adam had done it easily a year ago and said it wasn't anything to worry about. But Adam had been four years older than I was now at his first flight. The first time he was truly judged by an officer. If I made it, I would be tied with Cardinal as the youngest Hawk to join. Cardinal. Would he still want me? He had said often that he would make me a Raptor at my first flight but I hadn't seen him in months. Once the list had been released all contact with Captains had been prohibited. Would he still accept me? Or would he let someone else have me first? What if no one wanted me in their flock? My heart rate sped up and I could feel the panic rushing through me. What would I do if I wasn't chosen? I had completed all the courses I needed; I couldn't take any more as a fledgling. Where would I go if they kicked me out?
My early training took over and I clamped down on my mind, forcing the panicky thoughts out. Live each day as it comes so that you will have no regrets. I would do everything as well as I could and would not allow panic to find me again. There would be no regrets. I closed my eyes and practiced the control Harris had taught me; slow the heart rate, control the blood pressure, match the brainwaves with sleep.. Relax into the heart of space where everything came together as one. Some one tapped me on the shoulder and I looked up into Race's serious green eyes.
"You ready kid?" I nodded; meeting his gaze with all the determination I could muster. As ready as I'd ever be.
"Okay then, they're almost ready for you, just wait here by the door and come in when they call you."
"What will they be calling me?"
"You'll know it's you. Trust me." He grinned. It looked as if he was laughing at a joke only he saw.
So I waited. And waited. Now I know that they were waiting too, just trying to make me sweat and think that maybe there had been a mistake, maybe they didn't want me after all. But I didn't know it then and those thoughts did go through my head; just because I didn't show the emotions on my face doesn't mean I didn't feel them. I think someone got fed up after forty-five minutes because I could hear muffled arguing from the other side of the door. Then Cardinal's voice rose above the others.
"All right boyo, you can come in now."
I took a deep breath, fortified the mask, made sure my body was completely under control and opened the door, walked in and closed it behind me. It was a good thing I wasn't supposed to salute since I was a sparrow; I wouldn't have remembered to do so anyway. They were standing in a semicircle at the edge of a small platform with a chair on it; there were sixteen of them, a Captain and second from each flock. All were in full uniform, badges of rank shining in the noon light coming through the large windows. I found Cardinal and Cooper among them, looking for a little support but finding none. They were all Captains and only Captains today. There was no room for emotion in these circumstances. Cardinal, as the highest ranked and scavenger, stepped forward to start my flight.
"Sit in the chair." I did so allowing no emotion to bleed through the mask as I realized what a disadvantage that chair was. Yes, I was sitting but the chair was uncomfortable, with no back and thin armrests and I had to crane my neck to meet the Captains' eyes. Definitely a disadvantage. Cardinal started the questions.
"Why did you join?"
"I was offered food, a bed, schooling and kindness. I needed it and I wouldn't turn it down." I could see the seconds writing down my response, letting their leaders judge it.
"What is your name?" I blinked. Shouldn't that have been first?
"I have no name."
"What are you called then?"
"You call me boyo, the others call me Hitokiri."
"Why do they call you that?"
"I asked them to."
"What does it mean?"
"Manslayer."
"And why did you want to be called that?"
"Because it's appropriate." Cardinal looked a little annoyed with my uninformative answers. I spoke again before he could continue.
"Why are you asking me questions you already know the answer to?" Cardinal scowled.
"Because the others insisted. What have you most enjoyed of all your training?"
The questions went on and on, grilling me on information about my training, why I had taken the classes I had, the friends I had made, what did I think my greatest achievement was, what did I hope to do as a Hawk; eventually they got more personal. What had I been looking for in the school files on various occasions, why I had done things that puzzled them, such as tutoring the younger kids. Finally they got too personal, asking about my past, and Odin. Couldn't I tell them anything about my past?
Something snapped, and I couldn't take it any more. The mask stayed in place, not showing my warring pain and frustration as I stood and walked to the door.
"I've already told you about my past Cardinal, the others don't need to hear it, especially not from me. None of these questions are telling you anything you don't already know. You've been tracking me since I came here and it's quite possible that you know more about me than I do. I'm tired of your trying to force me to answer things I don't want you to know. It goes no where."
And I left, walking out of the room and back to my dormitory, ignoring the surprised and pitying faces I passed in the corridors. What did they know? I had left of my own free will; there was nothing to pity me for. Halfway to the room I broke into a run, trying to leave the frustration and disappointment behind me. I had really messed up; they would never want me now. I ran for a long time, finally stopping in the same courtyard where I had once tried to kill myself. Everything was a mess. My by now shoulder length hair was sticking out everywhere, the black slacks of my uniform were damp from sweat and the puddles of the rain from the night before, the collared shirt was glued to my skin, I'd lost my tie somewhere, and I'd somehow managed to tear my jacket.
I felt a little calmer though, calm enough to sit down on the sun warmed stones and think about why I had left. I had acted purely on instinct, hiding from there dangerous prying that could destroy my life. Wait. Cardinal knew, and nothing horrible had happened, so why was I so afraid?
For once the recorded memories were useful as I searched through my life to find what would cause me to be so hesitant of letting others know my past. I ignored the cooling air, the darkening light (a/n: does that make sense?) and the shouts of young boys released for the evening.
Finally I found it. A memory so faint that I must have tried to erase it and the back up system had kept it as far from my conscious mind as it could. There were others, but this was where it started. I had told someone my origins before, when I was working as a gardener/ crops manager for one of the families living near the mutant organization's center. They were a rich family, but small, and the children liked to watch me as I worked, always with a servant making sure they didn't get into trouble. Sometimes we were able to talk easily, almost as friends and I had come to enjoy their company. I smiled a lot more then, I still believed in love and truth. I till believed that I could have that, if I wanted it.
That day the father had come to watch me as well. Actually he was planning a picnic with his wife and the two kids but they ended up watching me. Even talking to me every once in a while. I wasn't sure why then, but I never did anything that used much of my 'mutant' side when at their estate. Everything I did could have plausibly been done by any other human who had the right knowledge, better even, since I couldn't work with color at all. Now I know why: they didn't know I was a mutant. At one point, as they were finishing their salad course (even their picnics had courses), the daughter, Kelly, asked me something no one had ever asked me before. It has become the most annoying question in my life.
"What is your name?" I laughed a little before answering, not understanding that she didn't know. I thought she just wanted me to confirm what she already knew.
"I don't have a name." She frowned. Obviously I had said something wrong, but I couldn't figure out what. She tried again.
"But what do you parents call you?" By this time I knew something was wrong. She should know this, and if she didn't, there had to be a reason. So I answered a little more cautiously.
"I don't have parents." This seemed to startle her even more, but it didn't surprise her father.
"That's what the organization is Kelley, they help orphans." Ha. Oh and again ha. They barely even helped us; we helped ourselves. I didn't have the mask then and Jeff, the boy, noticed something that made him curious enough to ask for himself.
"How did they find you?"
"They didn't." I had all their attention, and, not knowing how they would react, I told them about the things they did; the way they created mutants. All four of them stared at me for a moment in shocked silence and I began to see that telling them my history might not have been a good idea. Actually, it was a very bad idea. They had very strong beliefs about mutants an artificial birth. They hated them, or at least the father did. He wouldn't tolerate my presence any longer and ordered me out, threatening to beat me if I came within 200 meters of his family. So I left, having learned the first lesson. Telling my past made people despise me.
The rest was really just small things that added up. The way all the scientists considered me an object they could manipulate in any way they chose, the way the families who knew what we were jeered and treated us as beasts. The insults and hits I had taken because of what I had been born as. The pity in people's eyes when I told them I didn't have a name, had never had a family. Cardinal was the only one who had ever recognized that I couldn't control the past; there was nothing I could have done to change it. He even taught me that. And I was afraid that he would always be the only one. If I told too many of my secrets the pain and pity would begin again; I would do anything to keep it away. Even leave the only person who had ever understood.
I came back to myself only to realize that I wasn't alone. Cardinal was standing in front of me.
"That was some stunt you pulled boyo." It was the first time I had ever heard him speak so.. Seriously. As if he were disappointed in me.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't, you aren't, so don't say it." I stared at my hands, folded in my lap.
"Why did you leave?" He was annoyed, and with me. Ouch.
"I got tired of the questions."
"Tell the truth boyo."
"They would hate me if they knew." I whispered it, scared that he would hate me now to, would hit me, or yell or refuse to ever see me again. He was silent.
"Then I apologize, for putting you into a position that would force you to tell your past. I thought it would help if they knew more about you. But what you did is still unacceptable." I blinked up at him, knowing that my eyes were shining with unshed tears. Would he send me away?
"I'm sorry" I choked on the words. "I want to stay, really I do, please don't send me away." I couldn't face him and I turned back to my hands, now clutching the fabric of my slacks. He bent down to me, lifting my face to look at him.
"I won't send you away boyo, you're a Raptor, and I don't send my Hawks away without reason." It took me a moment to absorb it. I was a Hawk? A Raptor? But..
"But I left." He grinned at me then, and the tension I hadn't been aware of slipped out of my muscles.
"To tell you the truth, we already knew you would be a Raptor, but I had to fight Red shoulders pretty hard for you. The questions were really just to see how you would react to the situation. A final test of sorts." I stared at him, in awe this time. Red shoulders was the Owl captain. I was that highly valued? Then I smiled, giving Cardinal a bit of the carefree, life-loving smile I had had in the past. He grinned back before reaching out and pulling me to my feet. Then he started to walk back to the main buildings; when he realized I wasn't following he turned back.
"Come on boyo! You've got your first mission tomorrow, you need to get some sleep!" I ran to catch up and he put an arm around my shoulders as we continued towards the Raptor's wing.
"Besides, we've been planning a party for your flight. By staying out here all night you're denying everyone else a chance at all the great food." I wasn't really listening, just relaxing into his shoulder, relishing the feeling of triumph that spread through me. I had made it. Even if I had messed up horribly I was still a Raptor, and just then, I didn't want anything else. I was asleep before we entered the room.
****(A/n NOT THE END OF THE CHAPTER, though I could. It would be so easy. Fog toes, tell me if I should just stop here. The next part might be up tomorrow if I do.)
I woke to find myself in an unfamiliar bed, and an unfamiliar room filled with only slightly familiar people. As the events of the day before trickled in behind my eyelids I calmed myself down, stilling the instincts that told me to run and hide. Everything was fine, beyond fine even. I was a Hawk, a Raptor, and today I would go on my first mission.
Breakfast was simple, cold cereal and orange juice. The rest of the morning was spent with Harris trying to make sure I had everything and anything I might need on my mission. Adam was trying to imprint on my mind the importance of the first mission, showing me his falcon pin as encouragement. Half of me enjoyed the attention, relishing in being fussed over for once in my life. Other parts were equally nervous, fed up, and curious about Cardinal's whereabouts. When I asked Harris where he could be I was given a glare for my lack of knowledge.
"He's with Phoenix, getting information about the mission. You're not the only reason we have this you know. " I nodded, the fed up part of me starting to take control as Harris checked to make sure my socks were folded exactly right.
"Could you stop fussing? What does it matter if my socks are folded right, this is a mission not a ball." They stared at me and I stared back. What had brought that on? I must be living on my nerves more than I thought I was if I snapped like that. In fact, it'd been happening a lot lately. Odd. Usually I had full control over my emotions.
Adam broke the silence awkwardly.
"We were only trying to help Hitokiri. It's traditional. If the Sparrow isn't in perfect form it reflects badly on the other Hawks, makes it look like they didn't do their jobs." Harris nodded in agreement before adding his own observation.
"Besides, you deserve to be fussed over for once, and it's not as if you've got anything else to do. In a few days you'll look back on this and wish you had enjoyed it more. Some of the hazing can be bad." I stayed silent, allowing them to once again straighten and adjust my uniform, tear healed, pants and shirt dried and washed, and tie found.
When I looked into the mirror a stranger stared back. There was a young boy there, too thin and small to be allowed to cross the street alone. The muscle in the long arms and legs, the strength in the delicate hands could not be seen. But in his eyes was an iron control, turning Prussian blue into ice where soft laughter should have been. There was a haunted, hunted look to him; he had seen death and knew it intimately. Mossy brown hair was combed and pulled into a shot ponytail to keep it out of his face and long bangs were often used to conceal the piercing eyes. He held himself with a grace, not the same, natural and noble grace as the blonde boy next to him, but an animal grace, quick and deadly yet seemingly lazy. He seemed to fit his uniform a little better than his companions; it was almost part of him, as natural as a second skin where the others just wore theirs, he lived in his. And I realized then that this was what I was truly meant to do. Not for the scientists or Cardinal or Phoenix, but for me. I was more comfortable in that uniform than in anything I had ever worn before, either clothing, disguise, or lie. The boy pulled a handgun from his waistband under his jacket. It seemed right in his hand. As if it belonged there. He pointed the weapon at the mirror, eyes cold and unforgiving, finger squeezing the trigger. He was an assassin, a killer, murderer without name or feeling.
Harris put a hand on my shoulder and I dropped the gun, panting. How could it seem so right? I had wanted to get away from the killing, the endless bloodshed without tears. The last shred of my soul had been growing and repairing itself, but now I had gone back to screaming. I wanted to end it so much yet all I seemed to do was bring it closer, until I could no longer see even the shreds of kindness that had been present only a few months ago. The killer in me was rising, gaining control and forcing my being to stand aside and watch silently. That was why I had been snapping so much. The killer preferred cold silence, and I was desperate to do anything but let it win, even if it meant shoving the few who cared for me away. In the end, the killer would win anyway. The rest of me was just too weak to stand up to it.
Harris must have been surprised when I let out a frustrated howl and started sobbing into his arm but he patted me awkwardly on the back anyway. Adam seemed to understand and murmured reassurances that it would be okay, all I had to do was keep doing the little things, stocking up on small victories.
"Believe me Hitokiri, I struggle with it too." I hiccupped, almost recovered from the torrent of emotion.
"But you have a purpose at least, revenge. I don't even have a reason." His eyes narrowed.
"Who told you about my revenge?" Despite myself I couldn't help a small, nearly invisible smile. It was so obvious he had revenge chasing him.
"Just watching you. I like to know who I'm working with."
"So do I kid, but you don't seem to be telling anything." An unfamiliar voice came from the doorway and I spun to face the intruder, immediately falling into a fighting crouch. Out from the shadows walked an oriental boy of around 15, brown hair cropped shot and framing coldly intelligent black eyes. He was a Raptor, introduced to me as Crossbill (red); shadow walking was his specialty. He would be accompanying us on the mission and I had three hours to earn his trust. Or I could just plunge into the flight alone.
" Wait until after the mission, then you'll know me."
Notes: hehehehehehehe... sorry, I need to think the actual mission through a little more. I know how it ends, it's the in-between stuff I need. I actually meant to have this up last night but my beta never answered, and I need to get it up before the 'no comps' takes effect... so if I need to make any changes I'll just repost it later.
I want reviews minna-san! They will keep the creative juice flowing when I can't have comp access! More reviews = bigger, better, + more chapters when I get back to typing! This is the time (after this next chapter) when nearly anything can happen, so if you want to see something, TELL ME!!! Otherwise I'll run out of ideas fairly quickly and just move on. The story will be over sooner, but it won't be as long or detailed as people might want. So ideas are welcome.
Also, wanted to thank those who reviewed since I started typing this. CJ, thank you, your advice is wonderful and I love your encouragement!! Starcat, I'm trying, I really am! And your stoy is looking good, just figure out where you're going (ask for ideas, I'd probably give you a few myself if you want.) Moon pie, thank you, thank you thank you. And I'm not telling.. Not yet anyway. Soon, I promise (hope). Nilladriel, Mission accepted, here it is. ^.* funfunfunfunfunfunfun..
Anyway, thanks to you all, PLEASE REVIEW, I NEED THEM!! And I hope you enjoy St. Patricks day, the chapter, and the weekend. For those of you lucky ones on Spring Break, have fun!
Ano..okay then, the chapter.. I'm hoping to make up for what I did in the last one (hope, hope, hope). I'm not sure how far I'll get but there could be some pretty weird stuff here, just to warn you. Thanks to Grim Hitokiri, I am shinigami and starcat for their reviews of chapter eight (Sticks and Stones 2) But no one reviewed Keep your enemies closer.. ( I blame that partly on ff. net messing up, partly on my timing, and partly on how I didn't accomplish something satisfactory, but you need to understand, I had to set it up right and it was supposed to be learning about the teammates. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!
* Scavenger refers to the Hawk who finds new fledglings and brings them in. Cardinal is Heero's scavenger.
Disclaimer: I'm tired, I have track practice in a few hours, it's going to be exhausting, if you really want to know then see the other chapters.
Chapter 10: Flight
I paced back and forth in front of the door; mentally reviewing everything I had learned in the last year and a half. I was self-consciously checking that every part of my uniform was perfect when it came to me. I was nervous. Me, Hitokiri, the silent, unemotional killer. Rick would have laughed if he knew, but he never would; he had left the Hawks several months back. My hands pulled on the shirt cuffs, ignoring my silent demand that my body stop fidgeting. It couldn't be that bad, Adam had done it easily a year ago and said it wasn't anything to worry about. But Adam had been four years older than I was now at his first flight. The first time he was truly judged by an officer. If I made it, I would be tied with Cardinal as the youngest Hawk to join. Cardinal. Would he still want me? He had said often that he would make me a Raptor at my first flight but I hadn't seen him in months. Once the list had been released all contact with Captains had been prohibited. Would he still accept me? Or would he let someone else have me first? What if no one wanted me in their flock? My heart rate sped up and I could feel the panic rushing through me. What would I do if I wasn't chosen? I had completed all the courses I needed; I couldn't take any more as a fledgling. Where would I go if they kicked me out?
My early training took over and I clamped down on my mind, forcing the panicky thoughts out. Live each day as it comes so that you will have no regrets. I would do everything as well as I could and would not allow panic to find me again. There would be no regrets. I closed my eyes and practiced the control Harris had taught me; slow the heart rate, control the blood pressure, match the brainwaves with sleep.. Relax into the heart of space where everything came together as one. Some one tapped me on the shoulder and I looked up into Race's serious green eyes.
"You ready kid?" I nodded; meeting his gaze with all the determination I could muster. As ready as I'd ever be.
"Okay then, they're almost ready for you, just wait here by the door and come in when they call you."
"What will they be calling me?"
"You'll know it's you. Trust me." He grinned. It looked as if he was laughing at a joke only he saw.
So I waited. And waited. Now I know that they were waiting too, just trying to make me sweat and think that maybe there had been a mistake, maybe they didn't want me after all. But I didn't know it then and those thoughts did go through my head; just because I didn't show the emotions on my face doesn't mean I didn't feel them. I think someone got fed up after forty-five minutes because I could hear muffled arguing from the other side of the door. Then Cardinal's voice rose above the others.
"All right boyo, you can come in now."
I took a deep breath, fortified the mask, made sure my body was completely under control and opened the door, walked in and closed it behind me. It was a good thing I wasn't supposed to salute since I was a sparrow; I wouldn't have remembered to do so anyway. They were standing in a semicircle at the edge of a small platform with a chair on it; there were sixteen of them, a Captain and second from each flock. All were in full uniform, badges of rank shining in the noon light coming through the large windows. I found Cardinal and Cooper among them, looking for a little support but finding none. They were all Captains and only Captains today. There was no room for emotion in these circumstances. Cardinal, as the highest ranked and scavenger, stepped forward to start my flight.
"Sit in the chair." I did so allowing no emotion to bleed through the mask as I realized what a disadvantage that chair was. Yes, I was sitting but the chair was uncomfortable, with no back and thin armrests and I had to crane my neck to meet the Captains' eyes. Definitely a disadvantage. Cardinal started the questions.
"Why did you join?"
"I was offered food, a bed, schooling and kindness. I needed it and I wouldn't turn it down." I could see the seconds writing down my response, letting their leaders judge it.
"What is your name?" I blinked. Shouldn't that have been first?
"I have no name."
"What are you called then?"
"You call me boyo, the others call me Hitokiri."
"Why do they call you that?"
"I asked them to."
"What does it mean?"
"Manslayer."
"And why did you want to be called that?"
"Because it's appropriate." Cardinal looked a little annoyed with my uninformative answers. I spoke again before he could continue.
"Why are you asking me questions you already know the answer to?" Cardinal scowled.
"Because the others insisted. What have you most enjoyed of all your training?"
The questions went on and on, grilling me on information about my training, why I had taken the classes I had, the friends I had made, what did I think my greatest achievement was, what did I hope to do as a Hawk; eventually they got more personal. What had I been looking for in the school files on various occasions, why I had done things that puzzled them, such as tutoring the younger kids. Finally they got too personal, asking about my past, and Odin. Couldn't I tell them anything about my past?
Something snapped, and I couldn't take it any more. The mask stayed in place, not showing my warring pain and frustration as I stood and walked to the door.
"I've already told you about my past Cardinal, the others don't need to hear it, especially not from me. None of these questions are telling you anything you don't already know. You've been tracking me since I came here and it's quite possible that you know more about me than I do. I'm tired of your trying to force me to answer things I don't want you to know. It goes no where."
And I left, walking out of the room and back to my dormitory, ignoring the surprised and pitying faces I passed in the corridors. What did they know? I had left of my own free will; there was nothing to pity me for. Halfway to the room I broke into a run, trying to leave the frustration and disappointment behind me. I had really messed up; they would never want me now. I ran for a long time, finally stopping in the same courtyard where I had once tried to kill myself. Everything was a mess. My by now shoulder length hair was sticking out everywhere, the black slacks of my uniform were damp from sweat and the puddles of the rain from the night before, the collared shirt was glued to my skin, I'd lost my tie somewhere, and I'd somehow managed to tear my jacket.
I felt a little calmer though, calm enough to sit down on the sun warmed stones and think about why I had left. I had acted purely on instinct, hiding from there dangerous prying that could destroy my life. Wait. Cardinal knew, and nothing horrible had happened, so why was I so afraid?
For once the recorded memories were useful as I searched through my life to find what would cause me to be so hesitant of letting others know my past. I ignored the cooling air, the darkening light (a/n: does that make sense?) and the shouts of young boys released for the evening.
Finally I found it. A memory so faint that I must have tried to erase it and the back up system had kept it as far from my conscious mind as it could. There were others, but this was where it started. I had told someone my origins before, when I was working as a gardener/ crops manager for one of the families living near the mutant organization's center. They were a rich family, but small, and the children liked to watch me as I worked, always with a servant making sure they didn't get into trouble. Sometimes we were able to talk easily, almost as friends and I had come to enjoy their company. I smiled a lot more then, I still believed in love and truth. I till believed that I could have that, if I wanted it.
That day the father had come to watch me as well. Actually he was planning a picnic with his wife and the two kids but they ended up watching me. Even talking to me every once in a while. I wasn't sure why then, but I never did anything that used much of my 'mutant' side when at their estate. Everything I did could have plausibly been done by any other human who had the right knowledge, better even, since I couldn't work with color at all. Now I know why: they didn't know I was a mutant. At one point, as they were finishing their salad course (even their picnics had courses), the daughter, Kelly, asked me something no one had ever asked me before. It has become the most annoying question in my life.
"What is your name?" I laughed a little before answering, not understanding that she didn't know. I thought she just wanted me to confirm what she already knew.
"I don't have a name." She frowned. Obviously I had said something wrong, but I couldn't figure out what. She tried again.
"But what do you parents call you?" By this time I knew something was wrong. She should know this, and if she didn't, there had to be a reason. So I answered a little more cautiously.
"I don't have parents." This seemed to startle her even more, but it didn't surprise her father.
"That's what the organization is Kelley, they help orphans." Ha. Oh and again ha. They barely even helped us; we helped ourselves. I didn't have the mask then and Jeff, the boy, noticed something that made him curious enough to ask for himself.
"How did they find you?"
"They didn't." I had all their attention, and, not knowing how they would react, I told them about the things they did; the way they created mutants. All four of them stared at me for a moment in shocked silence and I began to see that telling them my history might not have been a good idea. Actually, it was a very bad idea. They had very strong beliefs about mutants an artificial birth. They hated them, or at least the father did. He wouldn't tolerate my presence any longer and ordered me out, threatening to beat me if I came within 200 meters of his family. So I left, having learned the first lesson. Telling my past made people despise me.
The rest was really just small things that added up. The way all the scientists considered me an object they could manipulate in any way they chose, the way the families who knew what we were jeered and treated us as beasts. The insults and hits I had taken because of what I had been born as. The pity in people's eyes when I told them I didn't have a name, had never had a family. Cardinal was the only one who had ever recognized that I couldn't control the past; there was nothing I could have done to change it. He even taught me that. And I was afraid that he would always be the only one. If I told too many of my secrets the pain and pity would begin again; I would do anything to keep it away. Even leave the only person who had ever understood.
I came back to myself only to realize that I wasn't alone. Cardinal was standing in front of me.
"That was some stunt you pulled boyo." It was the first time I had ever heard him speak so.. Seriously. As if he were disappointed in me.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't, you aren't, so don't say it." I stared at my hands, folded in my lap.
"Why did you leave?" He was annoyed, and with me. Ouch.
"I got tired of the questions."
"Tell the truth boyo."
"They would hate me if they knew." I whispered it, scared that he would hate me now to, would hit me, or yell or refuse to ever see me again. He was silent.
"Then I apologize, for putting you into a position that would force you to tell your past. I thought it would help if they knew more about you. But what you did is still unacceptable." I blinked up at him, knowing that my eyes were shining with unshed tears. Would he send me away?
"I'm sorry" I choked on the words. "I want to stay, really I do, please don't send me away." I couldn't face him and I turned back to my hands, now clutching the fabric of my slacks. He bent down to me, lifting my face to look at him.
"I won't send you away boyo, you're a Raptor, and I don't send my Hawks away without reason." It took me a moment to absorb it. I was a Hawk? A Raptor? But..
"But I left." He grinned at me then, and the tension I hadn't been aware of slipped out of my muscles.
"To tell you the truth, we already knew you would be a Raptor, but I had to fight Red shoulders pretty hard for you. The questions were really just to see how you would react to the situation. A final test of sorts." I stared at him, in awe this time. Red shoulders was the Owl captain. I was that highly valued? Then I smiled, giving Cardinal a bit of the carefree, life-loving smile I had had in the past. He grinned back before reaching out and pulling me to my feet. Then he started to walk back to the main buildings; when he realized I wasn't following he turned back.
"Come on boyo! You've got your first mission tomorrow, you need to get some sleep!" I ran to catch up and he put an arm around my shoulders as we continued towards the Raptor's wing.
"Besides, we've been planning a party for your flight. By staying out here all night you're denying everyone else a chance at all the great food." I wasn't really listening, just relaxing into his shoulder, relishing the feeling of triumph that spread through me. I had made it. Even if I had messed up horribly I was still a Raptor, and just then, I didn't want anything else. I was asleep before we entered the room.
****(A/n NOT THE END OF THE CHAPTER, though I could. It would be so easy. Fog toes, tell me if I should just stop here. The next part might be up tomorrow if I do.)
I woke to find myself in an unfamiliar bed, and an unfamiliar room filled with only slightly familiar people. As the events of the day before trickled in behind my eyelids I calmed myself down, stilling the instincts that told me to run and hide. Everything was fine, beyond fine even. I was a Hawk, a Raptor, and today I would go on my first mission.
Breakfast was simple, cold cereal and orange juice. The rest of the morning was spent with Harris trying to make sure I had everything and anything I might need on my mission. Adam was trying to imprint on my mind the importance of the first mission, showing me his falcon pin as encouragement. Half of me enjoyed the attention, relishing in being fussed over for once in my life. Other parts were equally nervous, fed up, and curious about Cardinal's whereabouts. When I asked Harris where he could be I was given a glare for my lack of knowledge.
"He's with Phoenix, getting information about the mission. You're not the only reason we have this you know. " I nodded, the fed up part of me starting to take control as Harris checked to make sure my socks were folded exactly right.
"Could you stop fussing? What does it matter if my socks are folded right, this is a mission not a ball." They stared at me and I stared back. What had brought that on? I must be living on my nerves more than I thought I was if I snapped like that. In fact, it'd been happening a lot lately. Odd. Usually I had full control over my emotions.
Adam broke the silence awkwardly.
"We were only trying to help Hitokiri. It's traditional. If the Sparrow isn't in perfect form it reflects badly on the other Hawks, makes it look like they didn't do their jobs." Harris nodded in agreement before adding his own observation.
"Besides, you deserve to be fussed over for once, and it's not as if you've got anything else to do. In a few days you'll look back on this and wish you had enjoyed it more. Some of the hazing can be bad." I stayed silent, allowing them to once again straighten and adjust my uniform, tear healed, pants and shirt dried and washed, and tie found.
When I looked into the mirror a stranger stared back. There was a young boy there, too thin and small to be allowed to cross the street alone. The muscle in the long arms and legs, the strength in the delicate hands could not be seen. But in his eyes was an iron control, turning Prussian blue into ice where soft laughter should have been. There was a haunted, hunted look to him; he had seen death and knew it intimately. Mossy brown hair was combed and pulled into a shot ponytail to keep it out of his face and long bangs were often used to conceal the piercing eyes. He held himself with a grace, not the same, natural and noble grace as the blonde boy next to him, but an animal grace, quick and deadly yet seemingly lazy. He seemed to fit his uniform a little better than his companions; it was almost part of him, as natural as a second skin where the others just wore theirs, he lived in his. And I realized then that this was what I was truly meant to do. Not for the scientists or Cardinal or Phoenix, but for me. I was more comfortable in that uniform than in anything I had ever worn before, either clothing, disguise, or lie. The boy pulled a handgun from his waistband under his jacket. It seemed right in his hand. As if it belonged there. He pointed the weapon at the mirror, eyes cold and unforgiving, finger squeezing the trigger. He was an assassin, a killer, murderer without name or feeling.
Harris put a hand on my shoulder and I dropped the gun, panting. How could it seem so right? I had wanted to get away from the killing, the endless bloodshed without tears. The last shred of my soul had been growing and repairing itself, but now I had gone back to screaming. I wanted to end it so much yet all I seemed to do was bring it closer, until I could no longer see even the shreds of kindness that had been present only a few months ago. The killer in me was rising, gaining control and forcing my being to stand aside and watch silently. That was why I had been snapping so much. The killer preferred cold silence, and I was desperate to do anything but let it win, even if it meant shoving the few who cared for me away. In the end, the killer would win anyway. The rest of me was just too weak to stand up to it.
Harris must have been surprised when I let out a frustrated howl and started sobbing into his arm but he patted me awkwardly on the back anyway. Adam seemed to understand and murmured reassurances that it would be okay, all I had to do was keep doing the little things, stocking up on small victories.
"Believe me Hitokiri, I struggle with it too." I hiccupped, almost recovered from the torrent of emotion.
"But you have a purpose at least, revenge. I don't even have a reason." His eyes narrowed.
"Who told you about my revenge?" Despite myself I couldn't help a small, nearly invisible smile. It was so obvious he had revenge chasing him.
"Just watching you. I like to know who I'm working with."
"So do I kid, but you don't seem to be telling anything." An unfamiliar voice came from the doorway and I spun to face the intruder, immediately falling into a fighting crouch. Out from the shadows walked an oriental boy of around 15, brown hair cropped shot and framing coldly intelligent black eyes. He was a Raptor, introduced to me as Crossbill (red); shadow walking was his specialty. He would be accompanying us on the mission and I had three hours to earn his trust. Or I could just plunge into the flight alone.
" Wait until after the mission, then you'll know me."
Notes: hehehehehehehe... sorry, I need to think the actual mission through a little more. I know how it ends, it's the in-between stuff I need. I actually meant to have this up last night but my beta never answered, and I need to get it up before the 'no comps' takes effect... so if I need to make any changes I'll just repost it later.
I want reviews minna-san! They will keep the creative juice flowing when I can't have comp access! More reviews = bigger, better, + more chapters when I get back to typing! This is the time (after this next chapter) when nearly anything can happen, so if you want to see something, TELL ME!!! Otherwise I'll run out of ideas fairly quickly and just move on. The story will be over sooner, but it won't be as long or detailed as people might want. So ideas are welcome.
Also, wanted to thank those who reviewed since I started typing this. CJ, thank you, your advice is wonderful and I love your encouragement!! Starcat, I'm trying, I really am! And your stoy is looking good, just figure out where you're going (ask for ideas, I'd probably give you a few myself if you want.) Moon pie, thank you, thank you thank you. And I'm not telling.. Not yet anyway. Soon, I promise (hope). Nilladriel, Mission accepted, here it is. ^.* funfunfunfunfunfunfun..
Anyway, thanks to you all, PLEASE REVIEW, I NEED THEM!! And I hope you enjoy St. Patricks day, the chapter, and the weekend. For those of you lucky ones on Spring Break, have fun!