Complicated
Rating: R
Pairing: P/J
Author: BlondieBear21
AN: I am in no way affiliated with Dawson's Creek or Carolyn Dawn Johnson,
I'm a poor college student trying to find a distraction from finals.
I'm so scared that the way that I feel,
Is written all over my face,
When you walk into the room I wanna find a hiding place,
We used to laugh, we used to hug,
The way that old friends do,
But now a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just make me come unglued,
It's such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth,
Is it fact or fiction the way I feel for you.
I never thought it was possible to feel this way about someone more than once in your life, to be willing to throw everything you have out the window for some minute chance at something you've had before that just crashed and burned, but take it from me you can and it's the most amazing feeling in the world. I guess I should start at the beginning back in high school we were together and it ruined a lot of things for the both of us friendships with other people and the friendship between each other that it took us a year to forge. I almost walked away from him then with out ever giving it a chance but I didn't, I took the chance, the chance of a lifetime and I was happier in that year than I had been in the previous 17 years of my life and now I'm thinking about taking that chance again. Every time I see him it's like there are a million butterflies in my stomach all rumbling around fighting with each other making me want to throw up everything I hate that day and yet they make me feel better than I ever had previously in my life.
IcenterIt's so complicated, I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay,
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel,
Oh, I want you to know
But then again I don't, It's so complicated.
Yesterday morning I went for coffee on my way to class and there he was sitting in the coffee shop I go to every morning and I just wanted to shout out to the world that I'm falling back in love with him, but I didn't I simply got my coffee and went over to say hi to him because after all we're just friends. God that whole statement is so wrong, 'we're just friends' after the relationship we had for a year I don't think we could ever be just friends again and yet that is the role we have been scripted, the role I want to throw out the window and forget all about, the role that doesn't seem worth the time or energy it takes to keep up. Who cast our roles you may ask, well our best friend cast them a long, long time ago and we were able to shed them once, but not without almost destroying what we had with the aforementioned best friend. I don't care anymore, well I do but not nearly as much as I thought I did, it doesn't seem worth it to care considering the person who expects us to play these roles is on the other side of the country pursuing his life's dream so why aren't we allowed to pursue our dreams, simply because of him, well for a long time I thought that way but I don't anymore at least I tell myself I don't and I try really hard not to but sometimes that 15 year old girl creeps back into my soul and makes me care no matter how hard I try not to.
IcenterJust when I think I'm under control,
I think I finally got a grip,
Another friend tells me that,
My name is always on your lips,
They say I'm more than just a friend,
They say I must be blind,
Well I admit that I've seen you watch me,
From the corner of your eye,
Oh it's so confusing I wish you'd just confess,
But think of what I'd be losing,
If your answer wasn't yes.
My friend Jen tells me all the time that he's still in love with me, Jack tells me that he's still in love with me, hell he's told me before that he's still in love with me but I don't know if I trust any of them I don't know if I trust myself. The one thing I trust is the one thing I've never trusted before, my feelings and I know what they are, I know I love him more than I can ever begin to express and yet at the same time I'm deathly afraid to even try to express them. We almost got back together once, after we got locked in K Mart overnight but that didn't happen, I'm not quite sure why, I know that I was scared and I know that that was the main factor in my decision but I regret that decision more than I regret things that were said and done that ruined our relationship the first time around. How do I do it, how do I tell him how I feel without facing the possibility of making a complete fool out of myself, I guess I don't and that's the point of facing up to what I want and taking control of the situation and doing something about it and making things the way I want them, I might have to try that some time.
IcenterI hate it 'cause I've waited so long for someone like you,
Should I say it,
Should I tell you how I feel,
Oh I want you to know,
But then again I don't,
It's so complicated. -Complicated Carolyn Dawn Johnson
I'm going to tell him, tomorrow I'm just going to go up to him and say listen Pacey I'm in love with you and I know you still care about me and I want you back in my life. God I hope I can do it, I hope I can have the strength to do, I hope I can keep up my resolve and try to do it. Well I suppose we will see soon enough if I'm strong enough to get back the one thing that means more to me than anything else in the world.
I'm so scared that the way that I feel,
Is written all over my face,
When you walk into the room I wanna find a hiding place,
We used to laugh, we used to hug,
The way that old friends do,
But now a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just make me come unglued,
It's such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth,
Is it fact or fiction the way I feel for you.
I never thought it was possible to feel this way about someone more than once in your life, to be willing to throw everything you have out the window for some minute chance at something you've had before that just crashed and burned, but take it from me you can and it's the most amazing feeling in the world. I guess I should start at the beginning back in high school we were together and it ruined a lot of things for the both of us friendships with other people and the friendship between each other that it took us a year to forge. I almost walked away from him then with out ever giving it a chance but I didn't, I took the chance, the chance of a lifetime and I was happier in that year than I had been in the previous 17 years of my life and now I'm thinking about taking that chance again. Every time I see him it's like there are a million butterflies in my stomach all rumbling around fighting with each other making me want to throw up everything I hate that day and yet they make me feel better than I ever had previously in my life.
IcenterIt's so complicated, I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay,
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel,
Oh, I want you to know
But then again I don't, It's so complicated.
Yesterday morning I went for coffee on my way to class and there he was sitting in the coffee shop I go to every morning and I just wanted to shout out to the world that I'm falling back in love with him, but I didn't I simply got my coffee and went over to say hi to him because after all we're just friends. God that whole statement is so wrong, 'we're just friends' after the relationship we had for a year I don't think we could ever be just friends again and yet that is the role we have been scripted, the role I want to throw out the window and forget all about, the role that doesn't seem worth the time or energy it takes to keep up. Who cast our roles you may ask, well our best friend cast them a long, long time ago and we were able to shed them once, but not without almost destroying what we had with the aforementioned best friend. I don't care anymore, well I do but not nearly as much as I thought I did, it doesn't seem worth it to care considering the person who expects us to play these roles is on the other side of the country pursuing his life's dream so why aren't we allowed to pursue our dreams, simply because of him, well for a long time I thought that way but I don't anymore at least I tell myself I don't and I try really hard not to but sometimes that 15 year old girl creeps back into my soul and makes me care no matter how hard I try not to.
IcenterJust when I think I'm under control,
I think I finally got a grip,
Another friend tells me that,
My name is always on your lips,
They say I'm more than just a friend,
They say I must be blind,
Well I admit that I've seen you watch me,
From the corner of your eye,
Oh it's so confusing I wish you'd just confess,
But think of what I'd be losing,
If your answer wasn't yes.
My friend Jen tells me all the time that he's still in love with me, Jack tells me that he's still in love with me, hell he's told me before that he's still in love with me but I don't know if I trust any of them I don't know if I trust myself. The one thing I trust is the one thing I've never trusted before, my feelings and I know what they are, I know I love him more than I can ever begin to express and yet at the same time I'm deathly afraid to even try to express them. We almost got back together once, after we got locked in K Mart overnight but that didn't happen, I'm not quite sure why, I know that I was scared and I know that that was the main factor in my decision but I regret that decision more than I regret things that were said and done that ruined our relationship the first time around. How do I do it, how do I tell him how I feel without facing the possibility of making a complete fool out of myself, I guess I don't and that's the point of facing up to what I want and taking control of the situation and doing something about it and making things the way I want them, I might have to try that some time.
IcenterI hate it 'cause I've waited so long for someone like you,
Should I say it,
Should I tell you how I feel,
Oh I want you to know,
But then again I don't,
It's so complicated. -Complicated Carolyn Dawn Johnson
I'm going to tell him, tomorrow I'm just going to go up to him and say listen Pacey I'm in love with you and I know you still care about me and I want you back in my life. God I hope I can do it, I hope I can have the strength to do, I hope I can keep up my resolve and try to do it. Well I suppose we will see soon enough if I'm strong enough to get back the one thing that means more to me than anything else in the world.