THIRTY-SEVEN

                Jindra was startled from her unplanned nap by the loud cry nearby.  She almost jumped in fear at the sound until she heard the loud laughter that followed it.  Sitting up, she rubbed her fingers across her eyes.  As she dropped her hands, she sensed someone nearby.  Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open at the sight of Folken standing just a few feet away from her.  Slowly rising from the bench, Jindra felt her mouth go dry and she swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat.  The two stared at one another for several long minutes.

                "Jin . . ." Folken's voice was a hoarse whisper.

                Jindra grabbed her satchel from the bench and clutched it to her chest, "I-I-I have to go."  She quickly started towards the path.

                "Jin!  Please -- wait!"  Folken followed after her.  "Don't go -- please -- don't go," his voice pleaded with her from behind.  Folken reached out and tried to grab her shoulder, but Jindra flinched away from his touch and he quickly dropped his hand.  "Jin -- please . . ."

                Jindra stopped and squeezed her eyes shut.  She took a deep breath, settled her bag on her shoulder, opened her eyes and turned around to face Folken.

                Once again, the two stood and regarded one another.  Jindra was startled by Folken's haggard-looking appearance -- she thought that he looked like he had been ill.  There were dark shadows under his eyes; his skin was paler than she remembered; she could see hollows underneath his cheekbones and she thought that he looked like he had lost weight.  Mostly she thought that he looked tired and sad. 

                Folken looked at Jindra and he could see sadness in her eyes as she looked at him.  "Jin . . . I'm sorry -- so sorry . . . please forgive me . . . I didn't mean to leave you alone -- I wanted . . ." He trailed off, struggling to put his feelings into words.

                Jindra shook her head and bit her lip as she tried to keep her tears in check.  "It's too late, Folken.  Maybe last week -- or even yesterday . . . if you had come to me -- sought me out . . . I don't know -- I may have forgiven you.  But not today -- you're only trying to apologize to me now because you just happened to see me -- not because you wanted to." 

                Folken dropped his eyes for a few moments, unable to meet her unflinching gaze.  He took a deep breath before looking back at Jindra.  "I-I-I never  . . . I never meant to hurt you, Jindra -- I love you . . ."

                Jindra snorted, "Love me?  If this is your idea of love, then you truly have become one of those twisted, black-hearted monsters of the sorcerer's tower."  She blinked her eyes several times as she tried to keep from crying.  I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry over him.  "You ask me to marry you and then you virtually disappear from the face of world -- and you call that love?"

                Folken glared at her.  "It wasn't like that, Jindra; and you know it.  I-I-I wanted to be with you -- I could feel myself dying inside every minute that we were apart.  But I thought it was best for you to be with your family -- you needed to be together."  Trying to calm his own anger, he took a breath before continuing.  "Not a minute has passed in the last two months that I haven't thought about you -- dreamed about you.  You are so much a part of me . . . I do love you -- but I just . . . I just had to work some things out for myself -- I needed to take sometime to look at the future -- at us -- at what I really want."

                Jindra crossed her arms over her chest and gave him a cold look.  "And just what is it that you want, Folken?"

                He stepped closer to her, but did not touch her.  "You -- that's what I want, Jindra.  You're the only thing in the world -- besides my own family-- that means anything to me.  Even my own life is worthless when compared to you . . ."

                Jindra swallowed hard, trying not to cry at his heartfelt words. "Then why, Folken?  Why did you leave me -- where have you been for the last two months?"

                He reached out and gently took her hands in his.  He waited a moment or two, giving her the chance to pull them away.  When she didn't, he tightened his hold.  "I-I-I didn't leave you -- at least not intentionally.  I wanted to give you -- and your family -- some time.   I-I-I wanted to let everything cool off for a while -- I was hoping that your parents might change their minds about me; they already had so much to deal with -- I thought that if they had time to reconsider everything . . . then -- then maybe they would be more willing to listen to us."

                Jindra looked down at their joined hands.  "I-I-I don't care what my parents think, you know that.  As much as I love them -- they just refuse to understand."  She raised her eyes to his face and Folken could see the tears that brimmed in her silvery-gray eyes.  "I-I-I was so alone . . . I needed you to hold me -- I just wanted to know that you were still there . . ."

                Folken closed his eyes at the sadness in her voice.  "I'm so sorry, Jin -- so sorry.  I didn't want to cause you anymore pain -- I-I-I thought that you'd be alright, that you'd have your parents and the rest of your family with you.  You've always been so strong -- I thought you'd be alright . . . I'm stupid -- so stupid.  I don't deserve you -- all I've ever done is let you down when you needed me."  He turned his face away from her, "My whole life, I've let everyone down."

                Jindra broke his grasp on her hands.  Reaching up, she gently turned his face back towards her.  "Sometimes I don't understand you at all.  I don't think I've ever met anyone who hates himself as much as you do Folken.  You're unworthy -- you're a coward -- you're undeserving.  Sometimes I just want to shake you until your teeth rattle!  Where did you ever learn to believe such nonsense?  Is it because you didn't die that day in Fanelia?  You think that because you survived that it somehow made you less of a human being?"

                Folken pulled away from her and turned his back.  "But I am Jin -- don't you see?"  He yanked up the sleeve of his jacket and she heard the cloth rip.  "Is this what you call human?"  He spun around and held out his mechanical arm to her.  "Look at me, Jindra!  Look at just how human I am."  Jindra dropped her eyes and looked away from him.  With a frustrated sound in his throat, Folken pulled the torn cloth back down over his arm.  "This is what I am -- do you want to spend the rest of your life with a freak?  Do you want your children to be afraid of their own father because he's a hideous monster?"

                Jindra felt the tears in her eyes as she looked at Folken's pain-twisted face.  "If I thought that you were a monster would I have made love with you?  Would I have agreed to marry you?  Would I be willing to give up everything just to spend the rest of my life with you?"  She sighed in frustration, "If I was going to be repulsed by you, don't you think it would have happened that night in the lodge?"  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.  "I've tried so hard to show you . . . that-that night in the lodge . . . I-I-I thought that by making love with you that -- that maybe you'd see how much I loved you.  I gave myself to you that night because I wanted you not only see it, but to feel it -- like the way I feel for you.  When--when we were . . . when we were together . . . it was as if I could feel you touching my soul.  But-but as hard as I tried, I couldn't touch yours . . ." She turned away from him, unable to hold back her tears any longer.

                Folken felt the tears spark in his eyes as he looked at Jindra's shaking shoulders.  "Jin, I'm . . ." He reached out and touched her shoulder.

                Jindra pulled away from his touch.  "Don't Folken!  Don't say it -- it only makes it worse."  She turned back to face him.  ""I'm tired, Folken -- tired of arguing with you -- tired of trying to convince you that I love you.  Either you believe it -- and feel it in your heart -- or you don't."  Jindra swallowed down the sobs that threatened to escape from her throat. "I can't live like this, Folken -- it hurts too much.  It hurts that after all  you and I have shared together, that you still can't trust me enough to believe in my feelings for you." Jindra brushed at her eyes with shaking hands as she tried to sniff back her tears.

                Folken looked down, unable bear the sadness and pain on Jindra's face.   She's going to walk away from here and I'm such an idiot that I'll let her.  But I can't -- I can't let her go . . . I need her too much . . . I need her love -- her strength -- her faith in me.   If I let her go, I'll be left with nothing -- nothing but the cold and loneliness of the tower.  I don't want to live like that -- I don't want to spend the rest of my days locked away in that godforsaken place.

                Jindra's voice was soft and Folken almost didn't hear her when she spoke again.  "I-I-I wish I could say that I hated you -- but I can't -- as much as I want to I can't.  Y-y-you made me feel  . . . special . . . desirable," he could see the blush on her cheeks, "even . . . even a little beautiful.  When you held me in your arms -- it was like I was home . . . some place safe and warm -- like I belonged there."  She brushed at her eyes once again.  "But you also hurt me, Folken . . . you lied to me -- you deserted me -- you gave me hope and then took it away . . .  I gave you my heart -- and instead of loving it and caring for it -- you broke it and threw it away . . .  I-I-I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust anyone again -- not like I trusted you.  I wish to the gods I had never met you Folken Fanel!"  Jindra turned away from him and ran down the narrow path out of the clearing.

                Folken stood as if frozen, as he watched Jindra run away from him.  It was several long seconds before the heart-wrenching sob escaped from his throat and Folken wrapped his arms around himself, the claw-like fingers of his metal hand digging into the flesh of his left forearm.   Folken barely felt the sharp stabs of pain as he tried to catch his breath from the sudden tightness in his chest.

                Jindra had disappeared around the curve in the path by the time Folken regained control of himself.  Unwinding his arms, he stared in horrified fascination at the blood-stained tips of his metal fingers.  Finally feeling the pain from the wounds in his arm, Folken looked down at the bloody holes in his sleeve.  Clenching his fists, he narrowed his eyes and looked towards the path that Jindra had just run down.  Damn you, Jindra Roh!  You're not going to get away from me that easily -- I don't care what you say!  For once in my life I'm not the one running away.  I won't let you go . . .

                With a growl in his throat, Folken started down the path after Jindra; his long legs eating up the distance between them.