THIRTY-EIGHT
Jindra hugged her knees to her chest as she cried, the rough bark of the oak tree digging into the small of her back. She had forced herself to stop running after she had nearly knocked down a young woman carrying a baby. She had been running blindly, tears obscuring her vision as she tried to breathe through her sobs. The woman had given her a few choice words as she had tried to apologize. Feeling even worse, Jindra had spotted the empty spot underneath the tree and thrown her bag down with a thud. Resting her forehead on her arms, she cried on -- oblivious to the stares and whispers of those around her.
Folken had been forced to slow his pace on the crowded pathway as well. He brushed past people without so much as the murmur of an apology, his mind focused only on finding Jindra. He was in one of the larger open areas of the park and he quickly scanned the path ahead and the surrounding area for signs of her. He was passing the gigantic old oak tree when, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a figure in dark gray on the ground. Quickly turning back, he saw that it was Jindra. Folken felt a pang in his heart as he saw her shaking shoulders, and he knew that she was crying. Several long strides brought him to her side; and kneeling down, he put his arms around her and silently held her.
Jindra stiffened as she felt the arms go around her shoulders and the press of a body against hers. Instinctively she knew who it was that held her; and as much as she wanted to fling Folken's arms away, she couldn't bring herself to break his warm, comforting embrace. Slowly, she allowed herself to relax into Folken's arms and he responded by lightly kissing the top of her head. The two remained silent and just held each other as a number of curious people passed them by.
Folken felt his knees stiffening up from kneeling so long, but he was reluctant to break his hold on Jindra by moving. Trying to shift into a more comfortable sitting position, Folken felt Jindra pull away from him a little and he quickly tightened his arms around her. Oh no -- you're not getting away from me again. As he settled himself on the ground, Jindra once again tried to pull away from him but he refused to loosen his hold. "Folken . . . let go of me . . . please, let me go."
"I don't think so, Jin. You're not running away from me again. If I have to stay here and hold you like this until I'm hundred years old, then I will; but I'm not going to let you go -- not now, not ever." There was firmness in Folken's voice that made Jindra believe that he would do exactly as he said.
"Please, Folken . . . I can't breathe . . . please . . ."
Folken reluctantly took his arms from around her and then shifted his position once again until he sat facing her. Jindra straightened up and let her knees relax a little, but she kept her eyes down and did not look at him. Folken reached out and took Jindra's hand in his left one, but she still did not look up. I knew this wasn't going to be easy; but I have to at least try. I can't – no, I won't give up -- not this time. "Jin . . ."
"Why can't you just leave me alone, Folken? I just want to be alone . . ."
"If that were really true, then why are you still here? You could get up and run away from here -- what's keeping you here, Jin?"
Jindra shook her head and brushed at her eyes with her free hand. The two sat silently for several minutes; finally Folken cleared his throat and broke the silence. "I know you've heard it from me a hundred times already . . . but I am so sorry, Jindra. I didn't mean to hurt you . . . I never wanted you to feel that I didn't care for you anymore. I'm just so selfish . . . I can't see past my own worries and problems . . . I'm just so afraid sometimes . . . afraid that you'll see I'm not the man you believe I am . . ." His voice broke a little and he took a deep breath to steady himself before continuing. "I want to be strong for you, Jin. I want to hold you and comfort you -- to make you feel my love for you. But-but- I'm just so afraid that it won't be enough -- that I'm going to let you down. I-I-I never want to do that to you . . ."
Jindra raised her head a little, but she still would not meet his eyes. "Then why do you keep hurting me, Folken? Why do you keep pushing me away?" Her tone was accusing and Folken closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I-I-I don't' know . . . I know it's a lame answer, but it's the only one I can give." Jindra gave the barest shake of her head and Folken knew that he was losing her. Out with it man! Tell her the truth.
"I-I-I saw your aunt Bethanne at the cemetery -- at Coren's funeral." Jindra looked at him quickly before dropping her eyes once again. "She saw me -- I didn't know who she was at first . . . but-but she said . . . she said some things that made me angry. But it was only the truth . . . she only spoke the truth and I was so angry with her for it. It took me some time to see that she was right . . . and by then I thought it was too late -- too late for us." Folken stopped and swallowed, trying to clear away the lump that had formed in his throat. "I'm a coward, Jin. I know you hate it when I say that -- but it's true." He tightened his grip on her hand. "The truth is I'm afraid to leave here -- leave Zaibach. I'm afraid to go back out into the world . . . I'm afraid that someone will recognize me -- that my family will find out that I'm alive."
Jindra looked up at him, her eyes wide. "Why Folken? How can you want your family to believe that you're dead? I know how much you miss them -- how much you love them. Don't you want to see them again? I just don't understand."
Folken couldn't meet her eyes and he looked away. "I don't know if I can explain it to you, Jin -- sometimes it's hard for me to understand. My father was a great man -- a great warrior, a just king, a caring father. He was the one person in the entire world that I respected and I-I-I wanted so much to follow in his footsteps and be just like him. From the time I was five years old, he started training me to take his place -- almost as if he knew, even then, that he didn't have a lot of time left. By the time Van was born, I was working with my father side-by-side; dealing with the daily running of the kingdom, meeting other heads of state, hearing disputes . . . I was only ten years old! Sometimes it seemed as if the whole weight of Fanelia was resting on my shoulders . . ." Folken stopped and took several deep breaths. Jindra could see the wetness that glittered in his eyes and she resisted the urge to reach up and brush his tears away. She knew that this was something that he needed to do and she was loath to interrupt him. Instead, she gave his hand a small squeeze of reassurance.
Inwardly, Folken smiled as he felt Jindra squeeze his hand; gathering his courage once again, he continued. "When-when my father became ill, I-I-I didn't want to accept that he was dying. He was the strongest person that I knew -- he couldn't die! I wasn't ready to take his place -- I couldn't ever take his place. I could never be the person that he was . . . he tried to reassure me -- to show his faith in me . . . but I was so afraid. I didn't want to let him down . . . I didn't want to dishonor the legacy of our family." Once again, he was overcome with emotion and he fell silent for several moments. Jindra felt the tears in her eyes once again; she could almost feel the pain that radiated from Folken and she felt that her heart would break from it.
His voice a hoarse whisper, Folken started again. "I wasn't ready . . . I wasn't ready when he died. I had more than enough time to come to grips with it -- but I still wasn't ready for it. I didn't even get a chance to really mourn for him before -- before I had to . . . before I had to take his place -- before I was sent out to-to . . ." He shook his head, unable to say the words. Folken's voice was hard when spoke again, "I knew what was expected of me -- what I was supposed to do . . . I wanted to be strong -- I wanted to honor my father's memory . . . I wanted to be everything that he believed me to be . . . but I knew that I wasn't . . . maybe that was my undoing -- I didn't believe in myself enough. Maybe deep down, I wanted to fail . . . that way I wouldn't have to try to be more than I was. I don't know -- maybe I was too young . . . but my father was my age when he came to the throne . . . I wanted so much to be like him -- so how could I refuse to go? I could have waited until I was older -- it wasn't unheard of -- no one would think less of me if I did. But I didn't want to -- I didn't want to be a coward . . . and so I-I-I went out into the forest to fulfill my destiny." Folken had turned back towards Jindra and he saw the tears in her eyes and he was touched by them. "You-you know the rest . . . I didn't slay the dragon -- and I failed to become the man that my father always wanted me to be."
Jindra raised her free hand to his face and stroked his cheek, "Don't, Folken -- don't say that. I'm sure that you're father never wanted you to die . . . But that's in the past now -- you have to let go of it. You have to let go of it or you'll never be happy. You can't let the mistakes and doubts of your past rule your life forever. I know it hurts -- but you can't let that hurt eat away at your heart, Folken. You're only as strong as you believe yourself to be -- and if you let keep telling yourself that you're weak and a coward, then of course you're going to start to believe it. In the past two years you've changed so much -- not just physically -- although you've grown and changed so much in that respect that anyone who knew you before would be hard-pressed to find that sad fifteen year old boy who left his home. But you've changed on the inside, too. When we first met I thought you were the saddest person that I'd ever seen in my life. You rarely spoke, you kept yourself apart from everyone . . . you radiated pain and hurt like the sun." Jindra looked down and gathered her thoughts for a few seconds before she spoke again. "But now -- look at yourself, Folken -- you're out in a public place; you've accepted the friendship of other people, and given yours in return;" Jindra gave him a small smile, "hell, you've even been known to smile and laugh on occasion." He gave her a wry look, but said nothing.
"You've come so far in the last few years, Folken . . . but the only person holding you back from being happy and having what you want in life is yourself. You have to accept -- and believe -- in yourself before anyone else will. I've tried -- I've tried so hard to make you see that, to show you that I believe in you -- that I love you -- but you've built a wall around yourself, Folken; and as hard as I try, I can't get past it. As long as that wall is there, then we won't ever have a chance to be truly happy. I can't spend the rest of my life with a man who doesn't trust me -- who won't let me into his heart." Jindra sniffed back her tears and dropped her eyes. Her gaze fell on his left arm and she suddenly noticed the bloody holes in the sleeve of his jacket.
"Folken! What happened to your arm?"
He looked down as if seeing the blood-stained cloth for the first time. "It's nothing. They don't even hurt."
Jindra reached out a tentative hand. "Nothing? Gods, you're bleeding." Understanding dawned on her and she snapped her head up. "You-you did this to yourself." It was more of a statement than a question. "Why? How could you do that to yourself?" She pulled her hand back and Folken could see the fear in her eyes.
Folken shook his head and his voice was nonchalant, "It was an accident. I'm alright -- they're nothing."
"Folken -- you hurt yourself like this and you say it's nothing. What's wrong with you?"
He pulled his hand away and wrapped his arms around himself. "You're what's wrong with me Jindra! I-I-I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. You have me so turned around I don't know if I'm coming or going." He tried to calm the anger in his voice, "I was so angry when you ran away . . . I didn't even realize that it happened until a few minutes later. But it was worth it -- the pain brought me back to my senses and I came after you. I wasn't going to let you run away from me -- not if there was still a chance that you still cared for me."
She snorted at him, "What made you so sure -- hell, what makes you so sure now that I give a damn about you." Jindra's outburst caused several people to look in their direction, but the two never noticed.
"Jin . . . don't -- please don't be like this. I'm trying my hardest to apologize to you -- to explain . . . explain my feelings -- actions to you." Jindra suddenly felt very small and she dropped her eyes once again. He turned to look at her, "When you told me that you couldn't hate me -- then I knew that maybe -- maybe there was still a chance for us." He reached out and took her hand once again and waited for her to pull away. When she didn't he closed his eyes and silent sent a thank you out to the gods. Folken swallowed several time as he tried to put his feelings into words.
Folken looked down at their joined hands and gently ran his thumb along the back of Jindra's hand; his voice was steady and strong. "Jin . . . I-I-I can't let you go . . . I can't let you walk away from this -- from everything that we have together. I love you too much to let you just walk away . . . I need you -- I need your strength . . . your faith and courage . . . but mostly I need your love. I-I-I know there are still a lot of things that I need to work out . . . and I want you to be there to help me -- to hold me . . . and to scold me and tell me that I'm being ridiculous and stupid . . ." Jindra raised her eyes to his face as he spoke. "Without . . . without you I have nothing -- I am nothing. I-I-I don't want to spend the rest of my life in that godforsaken tower . . . I've had a taste of love and happiness with you, Jin -- and I want more, so much more." Folken's voice broke as he finished and Jindra could see the tears as they welled in his eyes. Jindra broke his hold on her hand and reached up to touch his face.
Jindra remained silent as she gazed into his eyes. The moment was broken however by a male voice nearby. "C'mon darlin' -- give'em another chance. Can't ya see he's sorry for whatever it is he did?" Startled, Folken and Jindra both looked around to see several people crowded nearby, apparently having witnessed Folken's heartfelt plea for forgiveness. A female voice chimed in, "Don't let him off too easy though!" Several other people shouted their own advice and encouragement. "Kiss and make up!" "Give the man another chance!"
Folken found himself smiling and as he turned back towards Jindra he saw the blush that crept across her face. "I'm sorry; I didn't know we had an audience."
Jindra looked horrified, "I'm so embarrassed . . . I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and die." Folken laughed and she glared at him. Taking her hand once again, he raised it to his lips, "We shouldn't disappoint such a supportive group." He pressed the back of her hand with a gentle kiss.
"Folken!" Jindra snatched her hand away and once again he laughed. Jindra's cheeks were quite pink and Folken smiled at her. She blushes so beautifully -- she'd probably box my ears if I said it though. Several of the onlookers hooted and cheered. Time to close the curtain on this little show, I think...
Folken shifted until he was on one knee in front of Jindra. She gave him a puzzled look as he once more reached for her hand, "Folken -- what are you doing?"
He took a breath and looked at her; his face was calm, but his voice shook a little. "I want to be with you, Jindra. I don't care if it's here, or Palas, or anywhere else that you want to go -- just name it; and if I can get you there, then I will. I want us to be together -- I don't ever want to be apart from you again. I love you so much . . . I want to spend the rest of my life loving you . . . raising a family with you . . . growing old with you. I know that I asked you once before . . . but I have to know that you still want me." Folken looked intently into her face as he swallowed to clear his throat. "Will you marry me, Jindra Roh? Will you give me the honor of being my wife?"
There was a hushed silence as the onlookers eagerly waited for the reply. Jindra looked down at their joined hands but remained silent for several long moments. One of the less patient members of the small crowd spoke out, "C'mon already! We haven't got all day!" The man was quickly hushed by several other members of the waiting group.
Jindra looked up at Folken. Her eyes were bright and she gave him that coy little smile that she knew he loved. "How could I possibly refuse you now? I don't think this mob would let me walk out of here alive if I said no." Breaking his grip on her hand, she put her arms around his neck and drew his face down towards hers. "I'd be honored to be your wife, Folken. Now kiss me before there's a riot." As their lips met, a loud cheer went up from the watching crowd.
As the couple kissed, Folken slowly raised himself up off the ground, pulling Jindra with him. Once the two were standing, Folken tightened his arms around Jindra and suddenly swung her up off the ground. The kiss came to an abrupt end as Folken swung Jindra around in a circle, laughing as he did so. Jindra smiled and laughed with him as the small group onlookers cheered louder and converged on the couple, offering their congratulations and best wishes.
Folken felt as if his heart would burst from the sheer joy of the moment. As he looked at Jindra, he felt tears in his eyes and he hastily brushed them away with his hand. Jindra looked over at him and smiled. He noticed the glitter of tears in her eyes and he gave her a reassuring smile. Jindra mouthed "I love you" silently. Folken winked at her and shouted back, "What else is new?" He laughed as she arched her eyebrow at him.
Finally . . . finally something is going right in my life. This was the easy part -- getting Jin to forgive me. Now all I have to do is get free of Dornkirk and the sorcerers -- I'd sooner rot in the darkest pit of the nine hells then spend the rest of my life in that twisted black tower.