PLEASE READ BEFORE CONTINUING: Although I have not changed the rating (PG13), this chapter does contain references to homosexuality. There are no graphic descriptions, but it is inferred. Please read with caution if you find such topics offensive. Thanks for taking the time to read my fic. J
FORTY-FOUR
Marco Dimetra walked arm-in-arm with his friend's fiancé down the sidewalk. Although those that passed them barely gave the two a glance, Marco thought that he and Jindra made an attractive couple. Although not vain, Marco knew that he was a good-looking man -- there had been several lovers in his past who had initially sought him out because of his looks. He was of average height, not towering like Folken; his eyes were a deep chocolate brown that went well with his dark, curly hair. All-in-all he was quite agreeable, he thought; especially when escorting a young lady like Jindra Roh.
Marco had not been sure of what to make of Jindra when the two had first met. Folken had described her as a very loving, caring and almost gentle sort of girl. However, the Jindra Roh that he had met in the bookshop that first day had been of a different mettle altogether. Not that he hadn't expected her to be wary of him -- had he been in her shoes he would have been too. But underneath the cool, steely exterior of that first meeting was the girl that Folken had fallen in love with; and Marco could see why. There was something about her -- she had a way of looking past the physical and seeing into the heart of person; he could see why Lacour had been drawn to her. Jindra was the kind of person that accepted people based on their actions, not just their words. In the short time that he had spent with her, Marco could see how much she loved Folken -- there was a deep bond between the two, a gentle protectiveness of one another -- a joining of two separate parts into one -- and Marco had a felt a little jealous. It wasn't that he was exactly jealous perhaps, just that he knew he would never have that kind of love -- that kind of bond with another person. Such things were not permitted in the tower -- despite Folken Lacour's bold courage to the contrary -- but there were also other factors that would not permit Marco to experience the joys of being joined with one person for the rest of his life. But despite it all, he could at least share in Folken and Jindra's happiness -- if only for a short time.
"Are you sure you're not going to get into trouble, Marco?" Jindra was asking him. "You've been spending an awful lot of time away from the tower . . ."
Pulling his thoughts back, he glanced at her. "It's alright -- like I've said before, no one really cares if I'm around or not. I'm not important enough to miss -- most of the time they think I'm slacking off somewhere. Really, you shouldn't worry."
"I know you and Folken are only trying to protect me, but even I know that you can't possibly have that much free time; I know how busy Folken is all the time -- how much work he has to do. From what little I know about -- about discipline in the tower, I can't believe that they just let you wonder around and do whatever you want. I'm sure there is something that you should be working on -- something that you're going to get in trouble for not finishing."
He gave her a smile, "Oh, I'll probably get an earful about my laziness and poor habits -- nothing I haven't heard before; I assure you, I'll be quite alright." Trying to turn their conversation away from the tower, Marco quickly asked, "I'm absolutely gasping for something to drink -- could I interest you in some refreshment, Miss Roh?"
"Why yes -- thank you, Master Dimetra."
He chuckled, "Are you sure you don't have any sisters at home? I'm going to miss your wit and conversation when you leave." His voice took on a slightly more serious tone, "If I were inclined towards such things, I think I'd try to persuade you to marry me instead." Jindra looked puzzled at his words and was unsure of what to say. Seeing the look on her face, he smiled once again. "Don't worry -- I won't compromise you with Folken . . . although I like you a great deal and have grown quite attached, you really are not my . . . my type, I guess you could say. Rest assured; your reputation is safe with me." Jindra once again felt puzzled at Marco's words and could not make any reply.
Marco glanced at her once again, seeing the confusion on her face. I shouldn't say such things . . . she really has no idea. Silently chiding himself, the two continued walking in silence. They had walked perhaps another two blocks before Marco stopped in front of a small cafe. After peering through the window to check the crowd, he turned towards Jindra. "How about here; it doesn't look too busy. We could have some tea -- perhaps something to eat if you like." Jindra nodded her head as Marco let go of her arm. Opening the door for her, he made a small florish with his hand, "After you, my lady." Jindra raised her brow at him as she walked passed which caused him to smile and chuckle once again.
Marco and Jindra took a table near the window and after scanning the small menu, gave their orders to the waiter. The man returned quickly with their tea and then departed. Marco took the pot and filled Jindra's cup first; she smiled her thanks and took a small sip. "Mmmmm, it tastes like -- like it has honey in it. I don't usually put honey in my tea, but it's really good." Marco took a sip from his cup and nodded his head. The two were silent once again while they drank.
The waiter returned after a few minutes, this time bearing a small tray of biscuits, preserves, butter and cookies. Jindra reached for one of the biscuits, which to her delight were still warm from the oven. After smothering it with butter and preserves, she took a bite. "Oh -- this is absolutely wonderful," she said with her mouth full. "You have to try these, Marco -- it's practically melting in my mouth."
Marco smiled at the expression on her face. "If a mere biscuit can inspire that kind of a response, I can only imagine what a kiss from your esteemed fiancé must do." He chuckled as he watched her blush.
Jindra glared at him as she quickly swallowed, "I-I-I don't think that's very funny. In fact, I don't think I like your sense of humor at all Marco Dimetra."
Marco put the back of his hand to his brow, "Oh my lady, I could not bear the thought of your displeasure -- please forgive me." Dropping his hand, he batted his eyes at her. "Please say that you'll forgive me -- I'm only a lowly male . . . a man without the slightest clue to the female psyche. I could not bear the thought that you were angry with me . . . I will grovel like a dog at your feet if only you will say . . ."
Jindra let out an exasperated sound, "Will you stop it! People are starting to look at us." She gave him a glare and Marco could see the anger in her eyes.
He reached across the table and touched her hand, "I'm sorry Jindra, I didn't mean to embarrass you; sometimes I just get carried away. Not everyone appreciates my rather dry sense of humor." His voice sounded apologetic and Jindra could see it in his eyes.
Her eyes softened and she gave him a small smile, "If your humor were any drier, I think it would be classified as a desert Marco."
He laughed, "Indeed . . ." His tone became more serious, "You are a rare one, Miss Jindra Roh . . . if only you were . . . but then you probably wouldn't be the same -- such a pity . . ." He drifted off, a sad thoughtful look on his face.
Jindra looked at him for a few moments as she took a few sips from her teacup. She took a breath, "M-M-Marco . . . c-c--can I ask you something? I-I-It's probably none of my business -- and you can tell me so . . . but -- but . . ."
He nodded at her to continue, noticing the blush that crept up her face again. After all the innuendo this afternoon what did I expect? But will she understand -- or will she treat me like I'm some kind of . . . freak . . . or a sick monster?
Jindra swallowed, "You keep saying things -- things that I don't understand . . . about the tower and . . . and . . ." Her cheeks pinked even more. "You and Folken try to gloss over what goes on inside the tower, but -- but I can't believe that you can just do what you want whenever you feel like it, Marco. I've heard . . . well, I've heard stories about what goes on in there -- and . . . and I don't believe that they would just let you get away with doing whatever you want -- that you can just ditch your work and your studies without . . . without some kind of punishment."
Marco looked surprised; this was not what he had expected to hear. He considered what to tell her for a few moments. Taking a quick sip from his cup, he cleared his throat and looked at her. "You're absolutely right, Jindra. I will get into trouble -- but before you say anything, just listen."
He swallowed again, "I-I-I get away with a lot of things that other people get punished for; usually it's nothing more than being berated in front of everyone -- or having to clean the study labs or some such." He paused as he tried to gather his words. "I'm not the most committed student and I'll be the first to admit it. B-But the tower is all I have -- I don't have anywhere else to go. I don't have any families that are willing to take me in, I don't have any money -- but at least there I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from or where I'm going to sleep." Only who I'm going to be sleeping with, he thought silently. "Despite all my shortcomings, they -- they tolerate me. They tolerate me because . . . because I'm willing . . . and because I'm -- for lack of a better word, available."
Jindra looked even more confused than before. "Available -- available for what?" she quietly asked.
Marco's voice was calm, "Available for 'it', Jindra."
She shook her head and he could see that she still didn't understand. Running his hand through his hair, he tried to explain. "Jindra . . . you know about love -- about making love? What happens between a man and a woman when they make love?" She slowly nodded her head. "Well, it's not just men and women that can make love with each other." He watched her, trying to gauge her reaction, "Not all men desire to make love with a woman and not all women desire to make love with a man." He watched her blush and knew that she was starting to understand. "I-I-I have never desired to make love with women . . . I-I-I prefer to make love with . . . with other men." Jindra gasped, her eyes wide as she looked at Marco with something akin to horror.
"I know this is something of a shock for you -- I know you were gently raised, Jindra. This isn't something that most well-born people would willing tell their children -- not unless they had to." There was a sadness in his voice, "As I said, they tolerate me in the tower -- because . . . because there are other men like me there -- and because I'm willing to . . . to -- to be available to them -- to be with them."
Jindra said nothing; she just sat and stared -- as if she were a statue. Marco could see the play of emotions across her face -- horror, confusion, and even sadness. I should have kept my big mouth shut -- I could have just left it alone. Now Folken will know too -- she'll tell him . . . then what? Will he look at me like I'm some kind of filth on the heel of his boot? Why didn't I just leave it alone?
Jindra slowly returned to herself, and with a trembling hand she reached for her cup. Her hands were shaking as she took a long drink of the now cool tea, emptying the cup. Her hands were still shaking and she almost dropped the little china cup as she tried to put it back down on the table. Marco quickly reached out and took it from her, setting it down. Jindra put her hands on the table in front of her and fastened her eyes on them; unable to look at the man across from her.
Her voice was small and hushed, "H-H-How . . . why? Did someone -- did someone do something to you to make you like . . . like that?"
Marco shook his head, "No -- I've always been attracted to other men." He paused for a few moments, "Even as a boy . . . I always thought that there was something wrong with me -- I knew that I was different from other boys my age -- but I didn't understand why. I didn't understand the feelings that I had -- I thought . . . I thought that I was some kind of -- freak . . . I was so afraid, I didn't have anyone that I could talk to -- I didn't think that there was anyone who would understand . . ." Jindra had raised her eyes to look at him as he spoke and she could see the depth of his remembered pain and she felt ashamed of her earlier feelings. Instinctively she reached across the table top and touched Marco's hand. He seemed surprised, but there was also a grateful look in his eyes.
"I was fifteen when I came to the tower -- still unsure of what I was, the feelings that I had. I-I-I met another man -- older than me . . . he was -- he was a captain in the guard. He was so handsome -- blonde hair and green eyes -- I-I-I couldn't stop thinking about him. I would follow him around and watch him. I hated myself -- I knew that it was wrong, it had to be. Men weren't supposed to moon over other men -- it was . . . it was unnatural; but I couldn't help myself."
Jindra blushed once again as Marco described his infatuation -- it sounded just like the same kind of infatuation that she had once had for one of Coren's old schoolmates. She had been only twelve or thirteen at the time, but she could still recall every line and detail of Jonas LaFontaine. He had been her first crush, and she had fallen hard. But like most crushes, the attraction had been one-sided. Jonas was never been cruel to her, but he had always treated her as nothing more than the annoying kid sister of his schoolmate. So after a month or so of mooning after him, Jindra had cried for a week swearing that her heart had been broken forever. Jonas had come to her brother's funeral and Jindra had found herself wondering what she had ever seen in him in the first place. He had been quite handsome, but he had also been arrogant and condescending. But who thinks of things like that when you're only twelve years old, she thought.
"After a few weeks, Daymond -- that was his name -- confronted me one day. He knew that I had been spying on him, following him around. I was afraid that he would turn me in or beat me. But instead, he -- he talked to me . . . and I found out that he was like me -- that I wasn't some lone freak in the world . . . there were other men out there like me. I swear I cried for an hour as he held me, telling me that I wasn't some unnatural, sick monster." Marco suddenly reached out and grabbed the teapot, quickly refilling his cup. He downed the entire cup in one swallow, grimacing at the bitter taste of the cold tea. Jindra could see the deep emotion that burned in his eyes once again.
His voice was softer as he continued, "He -- he was also the first . . . the first lover that I ever had. He didn't take advantage of me -- it was several months later before we -- before we . . . well, you know. But during that time he also became like a mentor to me -- I could talk to him about all the things that I had never been able to tell anyone before. He knew that I was scared -- how unsure I was of myself. But that first time . . . he was so patient -- so gentle with me . . . he wanted it to be a good experience for me -- and it was." He saw Jindra's crimson cheeks and he almost smiled. "We were only lovers for a few weeks . . . then Daymond's enlistment was up and he decided to leave. I was heartbroken of course -- I had come to rely on him so much. But deep down I knew that although he cared for me, he wasn't in love with me or me with him. We parted as friends -- but I never saw him or heard from him again."
"There have been others -- some that I cared for . . . some that just appealed to me at the time . . . and some that took what they wanted and then roughly cast me aside . . . but I've always accepted my place in the tower, Jindra. I know what is expected of me . . . and I-I-I accept it."
Jindra stared into his face, and Marco could see the sadness in her eyes and a momentary flash of something that looked like anger. "H-H-How can you let them use you like that, Marco? How can you live like that -- knowing that you're . . . you're nothing more than a-a w-w-whore for them?" Marco was startled by the anger in her voice. "You deserve more than that -- how can you let them do that to you?"
"I use them just as they use me, Jindra. My family were poor . . . they were farmers. Do you think that I don't know what kind of life was waiting for me if they had lived?" He nervously ran his hand through his hair, "But look at where I am -- in the Capital of the empire, a place that seemed like a myth to my parents. I've received an above average education -- my parents could barely read or write . . . I've seen and learned things that my poor father never could have dreamed of in his whole life. I-I-I never lack for companionship -- there is always someone willing to share my bed, even if it is for only one night. Perhaps I am nothing but a common whore . . . but I take just as much from them as they take from me."
Jindra swallowed, "I-I-I didn't mean . . . I-I-I don't think that you're a whore, Marco." She looked down and started toying with her spoon. "I'm sorry . . . I didn't mean it to come out like that. But . . . I -- I'm sorry, Marco."
"I should have just kept my mouth shut. I was just toying with you, Jindra -- teasing you because I knew you didn't have a clue about what I was talking about." He let out a weary sigh, "I certainly wasn't expecting to sit here and pour out my sad little life to you. But . . . but you -- there is something about you that made me want to tell you. I-I-I can't explain it -- I just knew . . . I just knew somehow that I could trust you -- maybe because you and Folken have put so much trust in me. I don't know . . ."
Jindra jerked her head up and dropped the spoon when Marco mentioned Folken's name. "Folken -- you're not . . . you don't want . . ."
Marco knew what she was trying to say, "No, Jindra -- Folken definitely prefers the female of the species. You don't have to worry that I'm going to try to seduce him -- as tempting as that sounds -- he really is quite handsome, I must say;" he gave her rakish smile. "But I couldn't do that to you -- I like you too much." He sobered a bit, "I don't think he knows about me anyway -- like you, I think he was gently raised; no doubt this will be quite a shock for him, too."
Jindra seemed to consider his last words, "M-M-Marco . . . I won't say anything to him -- not if you don't want me to. I understand if you don't want him to know -- or if you want to tell him yourself . . . it's up to you."
"I don't know . . . I don't want to scare him or to have him hate me . . . I don't want him to think that I only want to be his friend so that I can try to seduce him and take advantage of him . . .I don't want him to look at me like I'm some kind of sick freak."
Jindra's voice was gentle, "Folken always says such things about himself -- because of his arm. I'll tell you the same thing that I told him, Marco -- I don't want to hear such things out of your mouth. You are not a sick freak. I won't claim to understand all of this or that I'm completely alright with it, but you are most definitely not some kind of monster."
She reached across the table and covered his hand with hers. "I think that you're a very unique person, Marco Dimetra. You're funny, attractive, caring, and despite what you say -- intelligent." He saw her suddenly blush, "And if . . . and if you were inclined towards . . . my type, I'd be very flattered by your attentions."
Marco looked at her for several moments; it seemed as if he were searching her face for something. He gave her a small smile and raised her hand up to his lips and lightly kissed it. "Folken is a very lucky man to have someone like you in his life, Jindra Roh. I wish the two of you every happiness in the world -- and I hope you have a house full of children that will drive him completely mad!" He grinned and released her hand.
Jindra smiled and laughed, "I hope so, too . . . " She became serious once again, "Folken chose his friends well, Marco. We'll always be indebted to you -- for your help and kindness . . . and if you ever find yourself in Palas or if the tower becomes more than you can bear -- our door will always be open to you. You will always be welcome in our house, Marco -- always."
Marco smiled and nodded his head, "Thank you Jindra, I appreciate the invitation and I plan to take you up on it sometime."
Signaling for the waiter, he started to pull some coins from his pocket, "Well enough chit-chat for one afternoon -- aren't we supposed to be getting your future husband a wedding present today?" He handed some coins over and then rose. Marco went to Jindra's side of the table and pulled out her chair, "I think it only fair to tell you that Folken already has your present. I haven't seen it though, he won't show it to me -- probably afraid I'll tell you what it is. But I'm pretty sure it's something very special. We don't want him to outdo us, now do we? So we need something extra special -- something that will knock his boots off."
Jindra reached for her leather bag and settled it on her shoulder. "I had something in mind -- something from Fan . . . something from his homeland. I've been reading about some of their marriage customs . . . the married couple exchange rings when they wed. I was thinking of having something made -- I know there isn't much time, but I might be able to have it done. I sketched out a design and -- and have an inscription."
Marco looked thoughtful, "Sounds very romantic . . ." He slowly smiled, "I just had a brilliant idea -- why don't you give him two gifts. I have the perfect thing . . ."
Taking her arm, Marco led her from the cafe as he told her about his idea.