DISCLAIMER: I do not own The Matrix or any of its characters. I own the poem ¡®After passing¡¯ which is used in this chapter.
Aching and longing and pain after passing
Warring for total control
Why do these doubts only come after passing?
Why do they come at all?
Cry a river to wash them away, little one
Cry a river for all tears to fall
I am in total control
I am in total control
Seal yourself up in a cage, precious one
Lock yourself up in your heart
Let anguish tear you apart, little one
I am in total control
Lock yourself up in yourself, precious one
And let regrets go with your soul
D¨¦j¨¤ vu, chapter five ¨C I love you
There is terrible irony in the fact that we were never able to fix the leaking showerhead until there was no need for it. There is terrible embarrassment in the fact that we never actually fixed it either. One fine day at the end of it all it just stopped.
It¡¯s been melted, anyhow, along with the power plant and the thousands of pods we¡¯ve just taken over again. Already scientists are looking at the gel in the pods, trying to see how we can use it.
Use it. Everything has to be used. When was the last time something was preserved? Even the graveyards ¨C there¡¯re rumours that the soldiers¡¯ ashes aren¡¯t really buried there at all, and every now and then they just shift a tombstone to make way for another. Every now and then one is removed completely. Things that were once great have no place in Zion.
Don¡¯t you remember coming back from the matrix? Those were the times I wished you would carry a briefcase to work, but no, you carried a gun. Do you remember warmth? Don¡¯t you remember the water running?
Remember these things, keep them safe somewhere they won¡¯t be forgotten. Because I know I¡¯ve long lost my share of the memories. All I have is that one night alone in the Core, with our captain and operator rushing around, and me with the knowledge that you¡¯d never be coming back. That¡¯s the end of the matrix, Tank had said. The end of the war.
The end of the war?
Tank challenges me again as we leave your last resting place, and it¡¯s not in my arms, my bed. I¡¯ve sat down, the best position for thinking, on the floor rather than a bench. ¡°You knew, didn¡¯t you.¡±
¡°Neo mentioned it.¡±
Tank blinks. Or rather, he rolls his eyes with the lids half down hoping I won¡¯t notice. I do, really, but it¡¯s not like he does it all the time. At any rate he had to put up with the whole crew¡¯s whining all over town. He¡¯s still one of the only people I¡¯d dare to name a trusted friend.
Tank carries on. ¡°So now what? Do we tell Morpheus?¡± Do we tell Morpheus I knew that Neo was going to die once he destroyed the matrix and since he didn¡¯t need to fulfil his goddamn prophecy anymore? That there was nothing anyone could do, he had to die? No, we don¡¯t tell Morpheus. I¡¯ll have to. Alone.
If I can get away from Tank, now¡¯s as good as any time to tell our ex-captain. Here he comes now.
¡°How could you sit there knowing Neo was gonna die?¡±
Evidently Tank thinks I¡¯m going to stay silent. (and I don¡¯t try to pick out the tone of his voice because I¡¯m not sure I want to know. There¡¯s something there that wasn¡¯t there before, or hasn¡¯t been clear, as has been ignored.)
I reply.
¡°It wasn¡¯t all he told me.¡±