I own nothing but the plot. Tamora Pierce owns the characters and the
serieses (how DO you pluralize series?). I'm certain she'd be VERY ashamed
if she owned this monster of a one-shot that mutated into a.five or six
shot. As for the rest. well, for fear of creating a spoiler, I'll tell you
at the end ^_^.
Chapter Five: New Arrivals (You do notice my blatant pattern for these, right?)
Somewhere deep in the darkest recesses of the Divine World, where toadstools grew amok like many tiny evil mutants that sucked nutrients out of dead things...
He was nearing his goal. Yeees, though it had taken millennia of plotting (well, only centuries, actually, but who's going to argue with a madman?), he had almost reached his goal. Almost... there...
"Father, it is resisting," one of his minions informed him. (Father... ah, he liked that touch. Made it all.family-ish. Although, maybe he should have opted for "grandfather" instead...) "Phases one and two were successful, but it will not submit to... the final treatments..."
"That is alright," he replied, smiling. "I can wait. Oh, yes, I can wait, for... this..."
His laughter echoed through the darkness, a bizarre background to the incessant chant of the people he had adopted...
"*fa la, la-la la la, la la la la la...*"
~~~~
"...that was utterly pointless and needlessly dramatic," Neal commented.
"Stop breaking the fourth wall," commanded the... well, commanding voice of his wife. His wife!?
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! YUKI!!!"
"Stop acting like I'm the White Maiden," Yuki snapped. (Does anyone else know what this is? Please tell me I'm not just throwing pebbles at Roger's head, here...)
"...the what?" asked Neal, Alanna, and Jon at once. (D'oh!)
"Never mind."
A moment of silence.
"Ohmigod, we need to look for Raoul!!" exclaimed Thayet. "How could we have forgotten?"
"Well," replied Neal, getting rather professor-y, "Chapter changes can do that to you. You see, in..."
"STOP DOING THAT!!"
"Doing what?"
"Breaking the fourth... oh, never mind," Yuki sighed.
"Oh, okay, good. The plot's not getting any younger with our stalling."
"STOP THAT ALREADY!!"
~~~~
"Splitting up was a good idea. The Land of the Dead is a big place. Raoul could be anywhere. Yes. Staying in groups was a good idea. We could run into danger or get lost on our own. But WHY oh WHY was I stuck with THESE morons?" Alanna ranted, flinging her arms around.
"Moron??" asked Kel, sounding hurt.
"WE ALL LIVE ON A YELLOW SUB-TURREEN, A YELLOW SUB-TUREEN, A YELLOW SUB- TUREEN!!!" Roger sang at the top of his lungs.
"REALLY?" asked Owen jolly-ly. "WOW, that's JOLLY!"
"...okay, I see your point," Kel amended.
The four of them trudged silently (apart from Roger's loud singing) through the evil, drippy caves, looking for any sign of a big, dead knight (apart from Kel).
"How exactly are looking for him?" Alanna asked finally, after twenty minutes of walking. "I mean, the only way we'll find him this way is if we fall right on top ofOOAUUUUAGGGHHHH!"
THUD.
And Alanna did fall right on top of Raoul. Except he didn't look that much like Raoul anymore.
"AAAH!!! WHAT HAPPENED!!!??"
The usually cheerful knight looked rather blue. Literally.
Instead of his usual knightly duds, Raoul was now wearing a set of white, puffy-ish pant-things. All of his skin that they could see was painted blue, and, even then, there were little blue... THINGS crawling on his head, trying to shave him bald (with little to no success, as he kept on shaking them off). They and Raoul seemed to notice the little search party at the same time.
"AAAAH! NO! DON'T LET THEM GET YOU! RUN! RUN WHILE YOU CAN! IT'S NOT SA--"
And the screaming knight was silenced by a bunch of little blue men securing his jaw shut with a c-clamp.
"What is your business here" asked one.
"You have no right to trespass," added another.
"Leave now or face the consequences," finished a third.
Awkward pause.
Then, Alanna, Kel, and Owen burst out laughing. (Roger had somehow disappeared. AGAIN. I swear, the man's a regular Houdini...)
"Do not MOCK the might of the mighty SMURFS!!" cried a dozen minute, high- pitched, nasal voices at once. The sound was ear-grating enough to make the three dead knights stop in horror.
"Leave us now!" one of them (they were all identical and therefore indistinguishable) squeaked.
"Not without our friend!!!" Owen drama'd.
"Fa. La. La."
"GHK..." Alanna cringed.
"Fa. La. La..."
"DON'T GIVE IN!!" Raoul cried. "THEY'LL EAT YOUR BRAINS!!! -oh no, wait, that's zombies..."
"Fa la, la-la la la..."
"I'm not listening, lalalalalala, I'm not listening," Owen insisted, plugging his ears. Kel and Alanna looked at each other, shrugged, and followed suit.
"WE'RE NOT LISTENING!!! WE'RE NOT LISTENING!!!"
The smurfs frowned at this new obstacle.
"Fetch... the FATHER!!!" one of them, probably the leader, commanded in his squeaky voice. (Insert creepy organ chord here)
A pause.
Another pause.
Another, longer pause.
"Well?" asked Alanna.
"Hang on, we need to file a request..."
Later.
A shadow appeared on the wall. A large, strangely misshapen shadow, distorted by the flickering candlelight...
It shrank gradually until another smurf appeared at Alanna's feet. The only difference between this one and the others was that it was older, and had a beard.
"THIS is IT?" asked Kel, disbelieving.
"Do NOT MOCK the FATHER!" insisted all of the smurfs at once in squeaky, ear-grating voices. Winces from the normal-sized people.
"So, what do we have here?" the Father, aka Papa Smurf, cackled, leaning on his big weird stick/twig-thingy (depending on your POV).
"A rescue party," Alanna replied simply. "So if you would kindly return our friend he-"
"NEVER!" Papa Smurf interrupted, switching from old-guy mode to insane- weirdo mode in negative eight seconds flat. "I WILL NOT GIVE UP MY SUPER- DUPER-ULTRA-SECRET PROJECT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF WAITING!!"
"...huh?"
"YOU OPPRESSORS THOUGHT TO STIFLE MY GENIUS, DID YOU? WELL, I'VE RETURNED NOW! AFTER MILLENIA OF CAREFUL PLANNING, INFILTRATING THE SOCIETY OF THESE CREATURES, ESTABLISHING A GOVERNMENT OF COMMUNISM OVER THEIR SIMPLE COMMUNITES, TAKING THEM IN AS MY CHILDREN, RUNNING EVERY ASPECT THEIR PITIFUL LIVES BEHIND THEIR BACKS, SEARCHING FOR THE RIGHT INDIVIDUAL TO COME MY WAY... ALL TO CARRY OUT MY PLAN!!!"
"Fellow likes to talk in caps a lot, doesn't he?" mused Owen, tapping his chin.
"AND NOW, NOW MY PLANS HAVE FINALLY COME TO FRUITION! NOW, I, EVILDEADGUYUS, CAN FINALLY TAKE REVENGE FOR THE WRONGS DONE TO ME BY THE GODS! THEY, WHO UNJUSTLY PUNISHED ME MERELY FOR CONTINUING TO PUBLISH EVEN AFTER I DIED, THEY, WHO DARED TRY SILENCE THE GREATEST OF."
"Wait a minute," Kel interrupted. "Did you just say... could you repeat the last bit for me?"
"Wot? Oh, of course, dear. THEY, WHO UNJUSTLY PUNISHED ME MERELY FOR CONTINUING TO PUBLISH EVEN AFTER I DIED, THEY, WHO DARED TRY SILENCE THE GREATEST OF MINDS..."
"No, before that."
"Before? Oh, you mean NOW, I, EVILDEADGUYUS, CAN FINALLY TAKE REVENGE FOR THE WRONGS DONE TO ME BY THE GODS! Is that what you wanted?"
"Why, yes, thank you." Kel grinned evilly and advanced upon the smurf.
"W-wait... what do you want..."
"Oh, same thing as you," Kel replied offhandedly, still smiling creepily. "REVENGE..."
"Um... ah... SMURFS!" cried Evildeadguyus, panicking. "TO ME!!"
An obedient, brainwashed wave of blue rose to crash over our heroes...
And stopped dead as Roger popped out of the ground.
"Did you know that the lifespans of honey bees are measured by the distance they fly?" Roger perky-ed.
The smurfs oooh-ed and aaah-ed, converting from one maniac to the other in an instant and following Roger... wherever as the mad duke disappeared.
"WAIT! YOU CAN'T ABANDON ME!! I'M..."
"Ah, go corrupt some other random locals," snapped the last retreating smurf, harrumphing at its pitiful (former) leader. Evildeadguyus watched it go with wide, scared eyes.
"Now, where was I?" Kel cackled, cracking her knuckles.
Not a happy day for Evildeadguyus...
~~~~
"Well, that's that, then," commented George, coiling up the last of the rope that had been restraining Raoul and storing it somewhere.
"Yup."
"No, it's not!" Raoul peeved. "What about the blue paint!?"
"Oh, it should wash out in a few centuries," Thom replied, slapping Raoul on the back. "Don't worry about it."
"But..."
"No, it'll be fine."
An expectant silence.
"Hello?" Neal prompted, waving his hands at the Authoress. "We're waiting for a 'the end' here?"
(Oh, it's not the end yet. We still have one last stunt to pull...)
~~~~
A/N: The smurfs belong to whomever the smurfs belong to. I just know I don't own them for sure.
Chapter Five: New Arrivals (You do notice my blatant pattern for these, right?)
Somewhere deep in the darkest recesses of the Divine World, where toadstools grew amok like many tiny evil mutants that sucked nutrients out of dead things...
He was nearing his goal. Yeees, though it had taken millennia of plotting (well, only centuries, actually, but who's going to argue with a madman?), he had almost reached his goal. Almost... there...
"Father, it is resisting," one of his minions informed him. (Father... ah, he liked that touch. Made it all.family-ish. Although, maybe he should have opted for "grandfather" instead...) "Phases one and two were successful, but it will not submit to... the final treatments..."
"That is alright," he replied, smiling. "I can wait. Oh, yes, I can wait, for... this..."
His laughter echoed through the darkness, a bizarre background to the incessant chant of the people he had adopted...
"*fa la, la-la la la, la la la la la...*"
~~~~
"...that was utterly pointless and needlessly dramatic," Neal commented.
"Stop breaking the fourth wall," commanded the... well, commanding voice of his wife. His wife!?
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! YUKI!!!"
"Stop acting like I'm the White Maiden," Yuki snapped. (Does anyone else know what this is? Please tell me I'm not just throwing pebbles at Roger's head, here...)
"...the what?" asked Neal, Alanna, and Jon at once. (D'oh!)
"Never mind."
A moment of silence.
"Ohmigod, we need to look for Raoul!!" exclaimed Thayet. "How could we have forgotten?"
"Well," replied Neal, getting rather professor-y, "Chapter changes can do that to you. You see, in..."
"STOP DOING THAT!!"
"Doing what?"
"Breaking the fourth... oh, never mind," Yuki sighed.
"Oh, okay, good. The plot's not getting any younger with our stalling."
"STOP THAT ALREADY!!"
~~~~
"Splitting up was a good idea. The Land of the Dead is a big place. Raoul could be anywhere. Yes. Staying in groups was a good idea. We could run into danger or get lost on our own. But WHY oh WHY was I stuck with THESE morons?" Alanna ranted, flinging her arms around.
"Moron??" asked Kel, sounding hurt.
"WE ALL LIVE ON A YELLOW SUB-TURREEN, A YELLOW SUB-TUREEN, A YELLOW SUB- TUREEN!!!" Roger sang at the top of his lungs.
"REALLY?" asked Owen jolly-ly. "WOW, that's JOLLY!"
"...okay, I see your point," Kel amended.
The four of them trudged silently (apart from Roger's loud singing) through the evil, drippy caves, looking for any sign of a big, dead knight (apart from Kel).
"How exactly are looking for him?" Alanna asked finally, after twenty minutes of walking. "I mean, the only way we'll find him this way is if we fall right on top ofOOAUUUUAGGGHHHH!"
THUD.
And Alanna did fall right on top of Raoul. Except he didn't look that much like Raoul anymore.
"AAAH!!! WHAT HAPPENED!!!??"
The usually cheerful knight looked rather blue. Literally.
Instead of his usual knightly duds, Raoul was now wearing a set of white, puffy-ish pant-things. All of his skin that they could see was painted blue, and, even then, there were little blue... THINGS crawling on his head, trying to shave him bald (with little to no success, as he kept on shaking them off). They and Raoul seemed to notice the little search party at the same time.
"AAAAH! NO! DON'T LET THEM GET YOU! RUN! RUN WHILE YOU CAN! IT'S NOT SA--"
And the screaming knight was silenced by a bunch of little blue men securing his jaw shut with a c-clamp.
"What is your business here" asked one.
"You have no right to trespass," added another.
"Leave now or face the consequences," finished a third.
Awkward pause.
Then, Alanna, Kel, and Owen burst out laughing. (Roger had somehow disappeared. AGAIN. I swear, the man's a regular Houdini...)
"Do not MOCK the might of the mighty SMURFS!!" cried a dozen minute, high- pitched, nasal voices at once. The sound was ear-grating enough to make the three dead knights stop in horror.
"Leave us now!" one of them (they were all identical and therefore indistinguishable) squeaked.
"Not without our friend!!!" Owen drama'd.
"Fa. La. La."
"GHK..." Alanna cringed.
"Fa. La. La..."
"DON'T GIVE IN!!" Raoul cried. "THEY'LL EAT YOUR BRAINS!!! -oh no, wait, that's zombies..."
"Fa la, la-la la la..."
"I'm not listening, lalalalalala, I'm not listening," Owen insisted, plugging his ears. Kel and Alanna looked at each other, shrugged, and followed suit.
"WE'RE NOT LISTENING!!! WE'RE NOT LISTENING!!!"
The smurfs frowned at this new obstacle.
"Fetch... the FATHER!!!" one of them, probably the leader, commanded in his squeaky voice. (Insert creepy organ chord here)
A pause.
Another pause.
Another, longer pause.
"Well?" asked Alanna.
"Hang on, we need to file a request..."
Later.
A shadow appeared on the wall. A large, strangely misshapen shadow, distorted by the flickering candlelight...
It shrank gradually until another smurf appeared at Alanna's feet. The only difference between this one and the others was that it was older, and had a beard.
"THIS is IT?" asked Kel, disbelieving.
"Do NOT MOCK the FATHER!" insisted all of the smurfs at once in squeaky, ear-grating voices. Winces from the normal-sized people.
"So, what do we have here?" the Father, aka Papa Smurf, cackled, leaning on his big weird stick/twig-thingy (depending on your POV).
"A rescue party," Alanna replied simply. "So if you would kindly return our friend he-"
"NEVER!" Papa Smurf interrupted, switching from old-guy mode to insane- weirdo mode in negative eight seconds flat. "I WILL NOT GIVE UP MY SUPER- DUPER-ULTRA-SECRET PROJECT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF WAITING!!"
"...huh?"
"YOU OPPRESSORS THOUGHT TO STIFLE MY GENIUS, DID YOU? WELL, I'VE RETURNED NOW! AFTER MILLENIA OF CAREFUL PLANNING, INFILTRATING THE SOCIETY OF THESE CREATURES, ESTABLISHING A GOVERNMENT OF COMMUNISM OVER THEIR SIMPLE COMMUNITES, TAKING THEM IN AS MY CHILDREN, RUNNING EVERY ASPECT THEIR PITIFUL LIVES BEHIND THEIR BACKS, SEARCHING FOR THE RIGHT INDIVIDUAL TO COME MY WAY... ALL TO CARRY OUT MY PLAN!!!"
"Fellow likes to talk in caps a lot, doesn't he?" mused Owen, tapping his chin.
"AND NOW, NOW MY PLANS HAVE FINALLY COME TO FRUITION! NOW, I, EVILDEADGUYUS, CAN FINALLY TAKE REVENGE FOR THE WRONGS DONE TO ME BY THE GODS! THEY, WHO UNJUSTLY PUNISHED ME MERELY FOR CONTINUING TO PUBLISH EVEN AFTER I DIED, THEY, WHO DARED TRY SILENCE THE GREATEST OF."
"Wait a minute," Kel interrupted. "Did you just say... could you repeat the last bit for me?"
"Wot? Oh, of course, dear. THEY, WHO UNJUSTLY PUNISHED ME MERELY FOR CONTINUING TO PUBLISH EVEN AFTER I DIED, THEY, WHO DARED TRY SILENCE THE GREATEST OF MINDS..."
"No, before that."
"Before? Oh, you mean NOW, I, EVILDEADGUYUS, CAN FINALLY TAKE REVENGE FOR THE WRONGS DONE TO ME BY THE GODS! Is that what you wanted?"
"Why, yes, thank you." Kel grinned evilly and advanced upon the smurf.
"W-wait... what do you want..."
"Oh, same thing as you," Kel replied offhandedly, still smiling creepily. "REVENGE..."
"Um... ah... SMURFS!" cried Evildeadguyus, panicking. "TO ME!!"
An obedient, brainwashed wave of blue rose to crash over our heroes...
And stopped dead as Roger popped out of the ground.
"Did you know that the lifespans of honey bees are measured by the distance they fly?" Roger perky-ed.
The smurfs oooh-ed and aaah-ed, converting from one maniac to the other in an instant and following Roger... wherever as the mad duke disappeared.
"WAIT! YOU CAN'T ABANDON ME!! I'M..."
"Ah, go corrupt some other random locals," snapped the last retreating smurf, harrumphing at its pitiful (former) leader. Evildeadguyus watched it go with wide, scared eyes.
"Now, where was I?" Kel cackled, cracking her knuckles.
Not a happy day for Evildeadguyus...
~~~~
"Well, that's that, then," commented George, coiling up the last of the rope that had been restraining Raoul and storing it somewhere.
"Yup."
"No, it's not!" Raoul peeved. "What about the blue paint!?"
"Oh, it should wash out in a few centuries," Thom replied, slapping Raoul on the back. "Don't worry about it."
"But..."
"No, it'll be fine."
An expectant silence.
"Hello?" Neal prompted, waving his hands at the Authoress. "We're waiting for a 'the end' here?"
(Oh, it's not the end yet. We still have one last stunt to pull...)
~~~~
A/N: The smurfs belong to whomever the smurfs belong to. I just know I don't own them for sure.