Disclaimers et al. in part 1

Previously…

…I met Hannah when she was about 10, but only really got to know her when Chris started chasing her.  Just for those wondering, yes, that would be my ex-roommate from Harvard.

Also known as Amy's ex.

See the history?

Amy likes Hannah less than Donna

Chapter 7

***

June 2002

***

"Oh, I got a good one.  'You will continue to kick ass, whenever it shall please you.'  What does yours say?"

"Ok, CJ?  There is no way it says that."  Sam answers looking perplexed.

Toby, Sam, CJ and I are sitting in the Roosevelt Room, eating Chinese takeout.  It's 11pm and we're working on yet another speech that looks like it was written with help from Gallagher.

"What time did Hannah say she's getting here?"  Toby asks, clearly annoyed with Sam and CJ's lack of attention.  They both seem more interested in what the fortune cookies have to say about their future than the speech.

"Hannah's coming?  I thought she was in New Hampshire."  CJ asks, stuffing her face with another dumpling while perking up at the thought of Hannah being in DC.

CJ and Donna both met her during the first campaign.  Ever since then, they've kept in touch.

Also, CJ and Hannah?  A deadly combination.  Some of the stuff they did together - and Hannah was in town for a week, at the most - still gives me nightmares.

They have the sisterhood revenge thing down to an art form.

"She was in New Hampshire, but she flew back here earlier today to meet with some DNC officials.  She said she'll stop by here once she's finished with them," I answer as I try to understand how anyone could possibly think that the jokes written in this speech are funny.

"Is Donna coming with her?" Sam asks.

"No," I answer, somewhat disappointed.  "She's staying behind to meet with some senators who are in the area."

"From what I'm hearing, she's doing a great job.  She should have been promoted ages ago," CJ says as she takes another spoonful of rice while giving me a pointed look.

"Yeah."  I answer absently.  That's what I've been hearing too, and not from Hannah.  In fact, she seems to go out of her way not to talk about Donna.  It's something I still can't figure out, especially since she has no problem talking to Sam and CJ about her.

*

Half an hour later Hannah comes in claiming victory.  She apparently charmed the pants off the DNC officials, managing to get their support without giving them anything in return.

I'm not sure I believe that, but I value my life too much to question it.

"Oooooh, food," she says as she takes a seat next to CJ.  "So, how is everyone?"

"Read the speech and you'll know," CJ answers as she hands Hannah the speech.

Hannah takes a minute to skim through and then cutely remarks, "Aaaah, the age old problem of finding the funny."

"Oh hey, Josh?  Before I forget, Cait wanted me to pass on a message," Sam grins.

Before I can ask what, Hannah says, "Oh yeah, that reminds me, CJ?  Sam?  Donna wanted me to ask you guys how Josh's new assistant is doing?  Apparently, she asked Josh, but doesn't quite believe his answer."  She turns to look at me and continues, "She also said that she'd be more than happy to teach Cait a few things about how to deal with your, ah… mood swings, Josh."

Looking at Hannah, I peevishly answer, "Cait's doing fine."  Then turning my attention back to Sam, I ask him to elaborate by saying, "The message, Sam?"

I have a feeling I know the answer already.

"Amy called."  Sam smirks.

How did I know he was going to say that?

Before I can say something, CJ asks, "Sam, why is it that whenever Hannah is anywhere near the vicinity of Josh, you manage to bring Amy into the conversation?"  Now it's my turn to smirk, while Hannah just sits there with an amused and knowing smile.

Toby, on the other hand, does not look amused.

"Is this really something you need to know CJ?"

"Yes Tobias, now shut up.  Sam, answer the question."

"Because it's funny to see Josh squirm."  Sam answers, still smirking.

"And bringing up Amy in front of Hannah does this how exactly?"

"We have history," Hannah pipes up with a mischievous look.

Oh God.

"Okay?"  CJ answers, nodding her head, but not really understanding.

"Amy hates me, and she's also kind of afraid of me too."

CJ just laughs to herself while Toby fights a smile.

I feel the need to defend my girlfriend, as it really doesn't do anything for my image to just sit here while she's being made fun of.

"Actually, I think you'll find it's the other way round.  That is, Hannah's jealous of Amy, not Amy's jealous of her."  Although I know that statement is not true in any way whatsoever.

"Of course Josh, and, pray tell, why it is exactly that I'm jealous of Amy?" she deadpans.

"Well, she was dating Chris," I say as if it should be obvious.

"Really?" she asks in a sarcastic manner.  "Was that before or after Chris and I got married?"

"Well… before."  I'm slowly realising that this may not have been the best possible way to make Amy look good.

"Uh huh…" Hannah answers, moving her hands in front of her, as if asking me to clarify.

"She didn't just date him, she dated him for three years, and also had a considerable amount of sex with your Chris.  Trust me, I know, he was my roommate."

"Ok, so let me get this straight.  I'm jealous of Amy, because she dated Chris before we got married?" she asks, amused.  "Let's forget about the fact that he had been dating Amy for three years before he and I met, and within ten minutes of meeting me, he decided to dump her.  Yeah," she nods, "I can see why I would be the jealous one in that scenario."

"Ok, so you're not jealous of her."  I state in a small voice.

Nope.  Really not the best way to make Amy look good.

"In fact, that probably explains whys she was such a bitch towards Hannah.  And the hate, it definitely explains the hate," Sam adds, as if I had not said a thing.  "Do you even remember what happened, Josh?"

"Yes?"  I say leaving the word somewhere in the midst of a question and a statement.  I actually do remember, because it was hilarious to watch, but if I act like I don't, then maybe I won't look like such an idiot for defending Amy this way.

"I don't, so someone please spill," CJ says as she sits up, preparing to listen intently.  Even Toby seems interested.

I just groan.  No matter how funny this story is it's not going to help in my defence of Amy.

"Sam, would you like to do the honours?"  Hannah asks, clearly amused by my discomfort.

"Oh no, there's no way I can deprive CJ of your perspective."

"Will someone just tell the story so that we can get back to work?  Because I would really like to finish this goddamn speech and go home."  Toby says, his voice rising in volume with every word.

Trying to finish this conversation already, I speak up, " Amy dated Chris.  Chris then met Hannah and decided to dump Amy.  Amy got pissed, had a hissyfit, made snide comments about Hannah and pissed of Chris in the process.  He then humiliated her for it, so Amy decided to take it out on Hannah, but instead, Hannah made her look like the village idiot.  Repeatedly.  That's it.  End of story.  Nothing else to talk about."

"Hissyfit, Josh?"  Hannah asks, trying but failing miserably from hiding her amusement.  Yup, she's loving my embarrassment.

"K, Josh buddy, you're really not telly the story right," Sam pipes up.  "For starters you're forgetting of course, that Amy was forced to resign her position as a board member for every major women's groups at Harvard, because of her little games with Hannah.  And then had to watch Hannah take her place."

"Well, yeah, ok, there was that."

"I think that also explains the hate," he adds gleefully.

"Look, you know what, jet lag is starting to catch up with me, so why don't we finish the speech and then I can get some sleep?"  Okay, since New Hampshire is the same time zone as DC, and it's only a two-hour flight maximum, I'm thinking she's not really suffering from jet lag.  She's decided that she doesn't want to talk about this.  I have to wonder why?

"Sure," Sam answers, after stealing a look at the expression on Hannah's face and taking the hint.

"Amen," Toby concludes dryly.

*

An hour later, the speech is almost finished.  CJ and Hannah decided to take a break a few minutes ago by getting some fresh air.  I think I might join them.  After walking far too long, I finally find them sitting on a bench in a far corner of the garden.

As I approach, I hear CJ say, "Ok, enough about politics..."

***

"…  I get enough of that from the idiot boys in there."

"No kidding.  So what do you want to talk about?"

"Anything else."

"How are you, CJ?"  I didn't expect her to ask that and I'm not sure that I'm ready to have this conversation.

"I'm fine."  The way I just said that pretty much negates the reason for my saying it.

"CJ," Hannah says with a hint of exasperation in her tone.  "Donna told me about Simon."

If Donna weren't a member of the sisterhood, I'd be kicking her ass right about now.

"I… there's nothing to tell."

I am not ready to do this.  I have no right to do this.  We had one kiss, that's it.

"CJ."  The exasperated tone makes itself present again.

I finally answer slowly, "I have no right to feel like this.  To hurt over him."

"There's no monopoly on who gets to hurt.  Regardless of how long you knew him, you felt something."

"Yeah, well…"

"CJ?" she questions in a soft tone.

"It hurts that I never had the chance to find out what we could have had," I blurt out.

"I know," she says in a soft tone, while avoiding any eye contact.  "The hardest thing to deal with once you lose someone is to live with regret.  Trust me, I know."  This comes out in a quiet voice that I've never heard her use before.

"You still haven't told me about you and Chris."  She jokes about him and acts as if he's still a part of her life, which he is.  She won't date anyone and never talks about him in the deeper sense, at least, not to me.

"I know what you're doing, you know.  The avoidance thing.  I'll let it go for now.  As for Chris and I, there's nothing to tell."

"I got the impression that there's a part of that story that neither Josh or Sam know about."

"There is."

"So?"

"I'm not sure where to start."

"The beginning is always a good place."

"I was sixteen when I met Chris."

"Wait, I thought you met at Harvard?  And I'm pretty sure Josh and Sam know that already."

"We did and they do.  I met Chris when I came to Harvard for my interview, he was there for the week visiting Amy."

"So, what happened?"

"Josh pretty much said it all earlier.  After we met, he dumped Amy.  I don't think he ever gave her a reason, but she found out through mutual friends.  He started the chase, but quickly realised that I wasn't ready to date someone who was seven years older.  So we became friends."

"Oh, I bet Amy loved that."  I grin, then after a beat, I ask, "So then what?"

"With Chris?  He waited; I mean, he dated, but nothing serious, almost as if he was just passing the time.  Six years after we first met, I let him in and the rest is history."

I notice she didn't mention Amy.

"And Amy?"

"Amy really loved him," she eventually says quietly.  "I guess until I met her I thought they only had a sexual relationship.  Otherwise, how could he walk away from her so easily?  But I met her and realised that it was more for her.  Anyway, instead of seeing a seventeen-year-old girl who was doing everything possible not to get involved with her ex, she saw an arrogant, self-opinionated bitch who stole him away."  A small rueful smile surfaces on her face as she adds light-heartedly, "Although, she wasn't exactly wrong about my being an arrogant, self-opinionated bitch."

"And?"

She answers with a careless shrug, "She tried to make my life miserable."

"What did Chris and Josh do?"

"They didn't know.  Actually, Josh still doesn't.  They had both graduated two years before I entered Harvard, and so I was stuck with Amy who was in her final year.  They only know about the one stunt she pulled."

"And you didn't feel the need to tell Josh because…?"

"I really didn't need for either Josh or Chris to protect me.  Anyway - and I know the size of my ego is probably glaringly obvious right now - I'm smarter than she was, or rather is; I made sure everything she did backfired."  She pauses for a second and adds in a whispered tone tinged with sadness, "Well, almost everything."  By the look on her face, I'm not sure if I'm meant to have heard that.  "It just annoyed me that my first year at college was spent trying to outwit her.  Although, having said that, she did make life interesting."

"Yeah," I breathe.

"Contrary to what Josh thinks, I've never hated Amy.  Ok, no, that's crap, I did hate her in college, but I don't anymore.  She has many faults, but it's not like she's the devil incarnate," her amusement is apparent in her tone.  "I guess I had an elitist attitude toward her," she continues wistfully, "She was in love with Chris and hurt over how things ended between them.  I couldn't hate her for that, so instead I just felt sorry for her."

"That's very big of you," I joke.

"It's really not," she laughs, "I know I'm coming off sounding like Mother Teresa here, but considering some of the things I did to her, understanding is not one of the terms I would use to describe myself.  I'm serious; I almost got her kicked out of Harvard!  I could have walked away since she was doing a pretty good job of destroying her credibility as a feminist and losing friends all by herself.  I didn't need to add to her humiliation, but I did.  I guess it might have had something to do with the fact that I enjoyed making her look and feel like the ignorant idiot that she was."

"And you're sure you don't hate her?"  I joke.

She goes quiet for a moment, as if contemplating whether she should open herself up further.  "I sometimes got vindictive and malicious and I justified it to myself by believing that she was being pathetic, and I was just doing her a favour by making her realise that, or that she was trying to make my life hell and it was only fair I make her life hell too.  When I was seventeen I hated her, but now I just hate the things I did to her.  I came out looking good from our fights, but I shouldn't have.  Sometimes I went as low as she did."

"I don't think there is a single person here who's never done something underhanded that they regret at one point or another in their life."

"Yeah, but those moments shouldn't be glorified when they happen.  You saw Sam in there; he was literally salivating at the chance to regale that story.  He doesn't realise I'm embarrassed by what I did even if others aren't.  I hate it that sometimes Sam and Josh still think I'm that person, and that I'm still in that place."

"Hannah, what happened exactly?"

She doesn't answer.

I might as well give up on trying to get her to tell me what exactly happened back then, because it's obvious she's not going to talk.  Instead, I try to clarify something else, "So why does Josh think you hate her?"

"Why does he still think I hate her?  I have no idea.  Why did he think I hated her when we were in college?  Besides the fact that I did?  I'm guessing it's because I refused to discuss her whenever we met."

I give her a questioning look.

"You have no idea how bored I would get of listening to college gossip about Amy's latest stunt and what I would be doing in retaliation.  Add to that, I was trying to forget how much of a bitch I could be. So, as you can imagine, I wanted to avoid talking about it at all costs during the vacation period, which incidentally, was the only time Josh and I could meet up.  I think he took my reluctance to talk as a sign that I hated her."

"I guess that makes sense."

"Yes it does, except his perception of how I feel about her is wrong.  After I got over the hate, I sort of thought of what happened between Amy and I as an inconvenient game - which I ultimately won - so trust me when I say this, it really doesn't bother me anymore."

"At all?"

"Well, it irritates me the instant she does anything now, but in the grand scheme of things, not so much, you know, since I do have a life and all.  At seventeen I lied through my teeth and convinced people that she was nothing more than an annoyance, now, I can honestly say that I mean it when I say I don't hate her.  In fact - again, I think my arrogance maybe shining through here – besides feeling sorry for her I don't really have an opinion either way about her.  She's never mattered enough since for me to form one."

"I'm assuming she pulled some pretty bad stunts back in college; what I can't understand is why you haven't told Josh?  I can't imagine him wanting to stay with her after he found out."

"I… he needs to make his own mistakes."

"Yeah," I say as I sigh.

There's a moments silence before I hear a question being asked and realise that I'm the one asking it.

"How did you deal with losing Chris?"  It was said in a whisper, and I still can't believe I asked.

"CJ?"

"I…  I'm…" she cuts me off, realising what it is I need.

"I was at his parents house when they told us that they had lost contact with his plane… and at that moment, when everyone found out, there was just silence.  His mom and dad started calling their friends trying to get information.  I…  I just…"  Her voice just cracked and I feel terrible for bringing this up, but I need to hear this, so I wait for her to continue.  After a moment she softly and slowly starts again, "While everyone was trying to find out if he was alive, I just walked outside and continued to walk until I reached the farthest corner of the garden.  And it's a big garden," she adds as an after thought, letting out a sad chuckle.  "It was December and there was snow everywhere; it was freezing and I didn't even notice…"

***

"…  My whole world collapsed with that one sentence, and instead of waiting to find out if he was alive, I walked away."  She looses herself in thought for a moment.  For someone whose emotions easily play across her face, it scares me a little to realise that I can't read how she's feeling.  "I guess a part of me already knew that he was gone, and so I was too afraid to hope.  Anyway, I sat on a bench covered with snow, and tried to remember every moment we ever shared.  That's all I did.  Our first kiss kept replaying in my mind, over and over and over again."

Hannah stops talking for a minute, trying to compose herself.  I knew this happened; Chris's mom couldn't stop worrying about Hannah, but none of us, except perhaps Leo, knew why.

I look over at CJ and see tears in her eyes, and I'm not sure if she should hear the rest.

But then she asks, "What happened next?"

"A little while later Nick - that's his father - found me.  I realised that… that was it.  It became even more important to remember everything."  Hannah takes a deep breath and continues in a quiet, almost childlike voice.  "I sat there the whole night and finally, at dawn, I got up.  I walked to the kitchen and made coffee.  That was our morning ritual; he would wake up before me - I'm not sure when exactly, but he would wake up - and just watch me.  Then, as I would begin to stir, he'd kiss me and whisper 'I love you' or something, even a simple 'good morning'-- it didn't matter what, it just sounded great because his voice would have the gravely quality to it.  Anyway, sometime later, I'd get up and make coffee, while he would stay under the covers, not wanting to get out of bed."

A tear escapes from her eyes and all I can do is watch.

"It was like I was on autopilot that morning, I made the coffee and walked upstairs to our bedroom and I knew he wasn't going to be there, but I did it anyway.  I put the cup on the bedside table, and I could see that…that…I could see that he wasn't there…  But still, I walked over to the blinds and opened them and then I walked back to the bed and sat on his side.  I could see that he wasn't there, but for some reason, like always, I pushed back the covers.  And at that moment…  I…I, my heart broke."  She whispers the final words and I see more tears slide down her cheeks and I wish to God I could do something for her.

I watched her go through this, but I never knew she went through this.

I watch something register in CJ's expression and I want to go and hold them both.  But before I can make a move, Hannah starts to speak again.

"That's when I finally cried, but it hurt so much that I couldn't make any sounds."  She pauses a beat before continuing, "I know you're looking for answers, CJ, but I don't have them.  I don't know if you'll find someone else, or even if you'll ever want to, all I know is that it'll hurt for a long time and you have to let it, and in the meantime, I'm here."

"Yeah," CJ sighs.  "Does it still… for you?"

"He was the one CJ, it always will."

Silence reigns as both CJ and I try to digest the wealth of information Hannah just passed onto us.

"We should get back," CJ breaks through my haze.  She gets up to leave and turns back to see Hannah still sitting on the bench.  "Do you need a minute?"

"Yeah, I'll meet you inside," she answers softly.

"Ok," CJ says, in a similar tone with a brief smile.

I stay behind with Hannah, replaying everything she just said in my head, trying to figure out why she never said any of those things to me.

"You know, I won't bite if you decide to come sit with me instead of standing way over there."  Her voice startles me.

"You knew?"  I say as I join her on the bench.

"Yeah."

"Why did you never tell me any of that?"  I ask in a soft tone so that she knows that I'm not angry with her.

"I just did."

"Hannah."

She takes a minute to answer.

"Every night, I lie there for a while staring at his side of the bed and every morning I wake up and I don't hear his voice.  I know it's irrational, but my memories of him are mine, and my biggest fear is that if I talk about him, the memories will just… dissipate.  That they won't be something special just he and I shared.  I lost him once already, I don't have it in me to go through that again."

I just sit here, wishing that I could take the pain away.

"I miss him," she whispers.  I take her in to my arms and hold her as she cries against my chest because I have no idea what else to do.

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you love Amy?"

"Hannah," I say in a weary tone.  I really don't think now is the time to be having this conversation.

"I know I said that I wouldn't interfere, and I'm not, but please just listen."  I sigh and nod for her to continue.  "You heard the part about regrets, right?"

"Yeah."

She moves out of my arms and avoids looking at me as she softly continues, "When I first knew for sure, that he had died, for a second I wished…  I wished that I never met him or that I didn't love him, or that I didn't love him as much as I did, because then maybe losing him wouldn't hurt so much."

I don't know what to say.  I know how much she loved him, still loves him, and I can't imagine her not wanting to.

"I wouldn't let myself grieve for him, for some reason I just couldn't.  So instead, my mind kept on focusing on all the times we could have been together and weren't," she says slowly.  "Do you know why denial is always so inviting?  Because it provides the illusion of a safety net, there's an underlying belief that if you don't say it out loud, if you refuse to acknowledge it, then it won't be true and you won't be hurt by it.  The irony of it is that denial is not much of anything, and, in the end, it just hurts more."

"Yeah," I breathe.

"Josh, you and I are too much alike, and I know how much it's killing me inside, everyday, with the regret that I didn't let him into my life sooner.  That I knew him for six years, at least during three of which I knew I had feelings for him, and I did nothing because I was afraid of acknowledging that just one person could mean that much.  That, that one person could hold that much power over me, but the thing that terrified me the most, is that one person could break me.  He could actually break me.  Regrets are a pain in the ass, Josh, so please don't make the same mistake I did.  If she's not the one - and I know you know if she is or isn't - walk away."

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that yet."

"Why?"

"I don't know."  I wish I did.  I know what Hannah is trying to get me to understand, and I do, but I'm just not there yet, and I can't walk away until I'm absolutely sure I know why it is I am.

"Josh, if the most important person in your life died tomorrow, what would be your biggest regret?"

"I…"  I have no idea who that person is, let alone what regrets I would have.

"You want to know what I think it would be?  That you didn't tell her how you felt."

I honestly have no idea what to say to that.

"I…  I--"

"Ok," she says, stopping me from trying to fumble my way through an answer.

"Is that all you have to say?"  I know it's not and unless I ask, she won't tell me.

"No," she says softly, "But you're obviously not ready to hear the rest yet."

"You'll tell me when I am?"

"You bet your ass I will."  She says, finally smiling.

*

We're walking back to the Roosevelt Room and it occurs to me that I need to ask her something, "Hey Hannah?  Why is it that you never talk about Donna with me?"

"Regrets, Joshua."  I stop dead in my tracks.  Why is it that the women in my life always say something that leaves me speechless, and then walk away?

TBC…