Disclaimers et al. in part 1
Previously…
"Josh, what are you doing? Less than half an hour ago you sat there and listened to Amy belittle not just the President, but also, all of us. She has absolutely no respect for us, or more importantly you…"
"CJ."
"Why are you with her?"
"I just…"
"Ok, this is what we're gonna do. You are going to take Ms. Idiot over there… you're gonna take her home and then meet me at your place."
"Why?"
"Because Mi Amore, we need to talk."
Chapter 8c
Not wanting to go home, I've spent the past hour walking aimlessly around the capitol. I still honestly have no idea how it is I'm supposed to feel after what happened with Amy tonight. I'm not angry, I'm not upset, I'm not anything. My thoughts are mixed up in my head and I have no way of sorting through them. To be honest, I'm not even trying. I'm just walking around without any kind of direction. I know I should get back to CJ but I have no idea what it is she expects me to say. If I did, I'm pretty sure I would have said it by now. Also, I love her like a sister but this is not something I can talk to her about.
I finally decide that there's no point in putting this off any longer, so I make my way home expecting to find CJ on my doorstep ready to kick my ass for standing her up. Only it's not her sitting there.
So naturally, the first thing I ask is, "Where's CJ?"
"'Hey Hannah, how are you?' Or, 'Hey you look really good. California suits you.' Or even a simple 'Hi,' would have killed you?"
"It might have."
"You know Joshua, your people skills are seriously lacking in grace," she responds with a teasing tone.
"Hey Hannah, how are you? You look really good, California suits you." My voice is monotone, but the smirk is in place so she knows that I'm teasing too.
"I'm just saying it wouldn't kill you to show a little interest in my well being." After a beat she adds, "And stop smirking."
"Duly noted," I say as I join her on the step. "You didn't answer, where's CJ?"
"She wasn't doing so well, so I took her home."
And CJ mocks my system.
"Ok, that explains CJ, so what are you doing here?"
"Here on your door step? Or here in DC?"
"Either. Let's start with here in DC. Aren't you supposed to be in California?"
"Relax, Josh. All the convention preparations are coming along fine. Anything urgent that needed to be taken care of already has been. Since, you know, I'm efficient like that"
The Democratic National Convention is in three weeks and Hannah has been in California for the past two days taking care of some of the arrangements. The planning seems less hectic this time around, but that may have something to do with the fact that I'm not responsible for it. Or it could be that Toby hasn't been given the opportunity to work everyone into an early grave. Also, he has yet to complain about the Presidents speech, which by the way was not written by him. Instead, Elizabeth - a speechwriter Hannah hired after Doug left - wrote it. I think Sam has a thing for her, for Beth, not Hannah. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah…
"I wasn't stressing and that still doesn't explain what you're doing here."
"DC?" she asks, knowing that's not what I meant. "Did you know that I've been back here - in the US - almost two months and I still haven't seen Chris's parents? They're a little pissed about that." I give her a look that shows how shocked I'm really not. "Anyway, I told Kate that I'd meet her and Nick for breakfast tomorrow, so here I am."
"So, why are you here, on my doorstep, because, from what I remember, you have a ridiculously expensive apartment - that you never seem to have the opportunity to use - waiting for you."
"It's not 'ridiculously expensive,' it's value for money. It's a very spacious and elegant place," she answers with a pout. Pouting is not inherent to her nature, so she looks acutely more adorable when she uses that particular weapon. And trust me, that's what it is.
"Ok fine, it's value for money," I concede, since, it is.
"See, now your just humouring me, but I'll take it. So, what was the question again?" Before I can recap, she remembers and answers, "Oh yeah, CJ called, she was incoherent, so it wasn't really hard to tell that she'd had a little to drink." And then with a smug grin she adds, "You guys are such lightweights."
"Ok, first, I am not a 'lightweight' - as you so cleverly put it - I can drink with the best of them," I say with righteous indignation. "Second, pot calling kettle black. You're not exactly capable of handling a lot of alcohol either, you know."
"Considering I don't actually drink, that's not surprising is it?" she asks with a satisfied tone.
"Point granted, but I'm not a lightweight."
"Fine, live with the delusion, I have absolutely no problem with that." She puts her hand up to stop my protests before they can begin and, with a puzzled look, continues on, "Anyway, she started talking about maiming and de-skinning, asking what equipment she would need." She pauses for a moment looking to me for clarification. I can take a guess as to what CJ was referring to, but since I would have to mention that bizarre movie I think I'll keep my mouth shut. I shrug my shoulders instead. "Then she told me that she was here, waiting for you."
"Yeah, she kept on switching from completely sober to totally smashed when we were at the bar."
"Somehow, I don't think she was that inebriated."
"So I may have exaggerated a little," I say sheepishly, or as close to sheepish as I can get.
"May have?" she asks with a smile and then she gets that look of remembrance and exclaims, "'The Pillow Book.' It sounded like she was describing scenes from 'The Pillow Book.'"
"The Pillow Book?"
"Yeah, it has Ewan--"
"Wait, you've seen that?"
"Yeah, it had a deliciously naked Ewan McGregor." She looks bewildered. I don't think she realises that I have no interest in a naked Ewan, in any naked man, for that matter. "Granted, the film was a little noir, but it was strangely fascinating. Besides, naked Ewan more than made up for it," she finishes, grinning.
"I don't even wanna know," I answer shaking my head and then look up to see her satisfied smirk. I realise belatedly that she was just amusing herself with my embarrassment. "You think you're so funny, don't you?"
"To think would imply that I didn't already know," she says, evidently pleased with herself. "Back on topic, I didn't think it was in CJ's best interest to be sitting alone on your doorstep this late at night." She stops to glare at me. Yeah, I guess standing up a drunk Press Secretary on the doorstep of the Deputy Chief of Staff, no less, may not have been the best course of action. In my defence though, I wasn't exactly thinking clearly back then. "So I took a detour and came to pick her up," she finishes with a careless shrug.
"Detour? Where were you originally going?"
"To see Leo."
"So you took CJ home instead. Why come back here? Why not go and see Leo?" I can guess what her answer will be.
"CJ told me what happened tonight. You know, at the bar with Amy. She was rambling most of the time but, as she began telling me about the night, she became more lucid and clear."
No surprise there.
"She also said something about a talk. Actually, she was quite insistent about that."
I look away, trying to avoid the inevitable direction this conversation is going to take. I know that during the remaining course of this evening, I will be expected to confront all the feelings I can't seem to explain or even understand, but I'm not comfortable with doing it right now. Thank God Hannah realises my unwillingness to deal with this just yet and decides to let me off the hook.
I can practically hear her mind buzzing through all the possible things we can talk about to fill the silence. It's quite entertaining to watch all her thoughts wash across her face; she still has that innocent quality about her. Her idealism isn't tainted by politics. She's been in the business long enough to understand the kind of compromises that have to be made for even the smallest of victories, but it still hasn't enervated her. She's never had the perfunctory attitude that seems to consume Amy. Amy is what happens when you have idealism not tempered by the understanding that certain compromises have to be made.
"Oh, guess what?" It's cute the way she says that with the kind of excitement I've only ever seen a four year old display. It really is quite endearing how she literally plays the role of little sister when she feels I need it. "You are so gonna get a kick out of this, Nick and Kate are planning to attend the convention."
Grateful for the change in topic, I play along. "Really?"
"That's not all. They're donating and Nick said that he would rally for any of the administrations policies that he agreed with," she says with a certain amount of pride.
Ok, so she's right, I am getting a kick out of this. "Chris's parents? We are talking about the same people right? Your in-laws? Chris's extremely Conservative parents are going to be at a convention in support of a Liberal Democrat and they're gonna donate to his campaign?" I ask in amazement, to which she gives a radiant smile.
"You finally managed to tempt them away from the dark side, huh?" I smirk.
She answers through her laughter, "I think it has more to do with the fact that they think Ritchie is an asshole. That and they know I'm a part of the re-election campaign. Also, they actually like the President."
"They've met him?" She just gives me a look conveying how stupid that question is. I hadn't met the President back then but I clearly remember Chris telling me how he spent a nerve-wracking day being interrogated by Hannah's Godfather and favourite uncle. His nervous state was compounded by the fact that the President - then Governor - intended to put his parents through the same process. Considering they're Republicans and all, it seemed fair. "So, they think the President is the right man to run the country. Who would've thought?"
"No."
"No?"
"They think Leo's the right man to run the country." Yeah, she idolises Leo even more than I do.
"They do realise that it's not Leo running for the presidency, right?"
"Don't be an ass, you know what I meant. The President is kind of like the icing on a cake. You guys - You, CJ, Toby, Sam - you're the ingredients and Leo's the cook."
Ok, I have to laugh at that, because seriously, that's just awful. "I wouldn't let the President hear you refer to him as a piece of decoration. And Leo, a cook?"
"Stop smirking, I know that's a terrible metaphor--"
"Understatement."
"Shut-up. My point was, they realise the President's the guy at the top but that Leo's the guy who makes things work."
"Yeah, well, not according to Amy." Acrimony was definitely lacing my tone there.
Also, yes, I know, I just took this conversation to a place I did not want it to go.
"If it's any consolation, I don't think she truly believes what she said tonight. Well, not all of it," she says softly.
Incredulous, and with a certain amount of anger in my voice, I answer, "Yeah, and that's why she sat there and told us how this administration has no backbone with the same amount of fervour she used to fight the welfare bill."
"That wasn't your girlfriend talking," she states calmly.
"Really? Because she looked and sounded like Amy," I utter condescendingly.
"No, what I meant was--" Hannah struggles for a minute to find the correct way to convey what she means. Finally, she sighs, "What I meant was, at that moment, she wasn't Amy your girlfriend, but Amy Gardner, a senior member of Stackhouse's campaign staff. And she wasn't sitting with her boyfriend's friends having a drink; she was there with the Senior Staff of the current administration. An administration, I should add, she just lost a major battle with. She was trying to bait you guys."
"She was invited as my girlfriend," I argue.
"Yeah, well, Amy has problems switching off her political side in personal situations."
"I can attest to that." Having no other response I revert back to my silent state, during which I process everything Hannah just said, when something occurs to me. "Campaign staff?"
"Ummm?"
"You said campaign staff. I thought he hired her as a consultant for his Senate staff. When did she become a part of his Campaign? And, more to the point, you think he's going to challenge the President? It's not a little late in the game for that maybe?"
"He promoted her. She didn't tell you?" She takes a look at my expression and answers her own question, "I guess not. Stackhouse moved Richard's from his Federal Office to Campaign Staff. Amy still consults for him but she's also now Debate Prep Manager. He needs her as part of his Federal Staff to draw up support from women and figures she'd be a useful asset to his Campaign."
"How did I not know that?"
Hannah refrains from answering that question and continues to answer a previous one.
"As for his challenging the President, he's gonna threaten to run as an independent and take the left with him, thereby giving him enough clout to make demands on the President. He'll ask for a cabinet position in the next administration, causing problems left, right and centre," she answers absently. "I'm pretty sure that when it comes to the September debates, he'll want in. Amy's already started making waves about his success in the district court."
I can tell from her demeanour, that she's not taking him seriously. "You don't think he's a threat, do you?"
"He's an old coot, Josh, who seems to think that he has more power than he actually does."
"Yeah, and he's gonna try and challenge the leader of his party. I don't have to tell you that this is a headache we really don't need. This election is gonna be close enough as it is."
"Unless we do something monumentally stupid, it's really not. Stackhouse is not an issue and if he tries to become one I'll deal with it. He doesn't have many friends as it is and is only riding high because of the free publicity."
"He doesn't need friends, he just needs our enemies."
"It doesn't make a difference. He's not in this to win; he just wants some attention before he's too old to finish what he started. As for his so called friends, our enemies, they're not stupid, the polls are looking good for us, they're not gonna put themselves out there for Stackhouse."
I just give her a stern look.
"Josh, Stackhouse doesn't have nearly the kind of power or popularity that he and Amy seem to think he has. If he comes at us from the left, I'll own his ass." After a moments silence, in trying to lighten the tension, she adds, "I borrowed that last line from Toby, by the way. He comes up with the best one liners, don't you think? Although, I don't think I pulled it off with quite the same panache that he did."
Trying to get her to understand the gravity of problems Stackhouse could cause, I say in a frustrated tone, "Hannah, Amy's going to push him to make us indistinguishable from Ritchie."
"You act like I have no idea what I'm doing, or that I don't know how Amy operates. I know she's going to push, that's kind of why he hired her. Frankly, the guy's an annoying pain in the ass all by himself, he didn't need Amy to help him with that."
Yeah, he really didn't. But he's a pain in the ass that doesn't know how to use his allies. Amy does.
"Amy likes to fight, I just think you need to be aware of that fact." I learned that the hard way.
"Josh, trust me on this, no one is more aware of how Amy likes to fight for the wrong causes than I am. But that's not what this is about, is it?"
What the hell?
"What the hell are you talking about Hannah?"
"That's not why you can't let this go," she says delicately.
She's right. I've suddenly become very tired. I really don't have the energy for this.
"Josh, I swear to God that I will make this as painless as possible for you. Just, trust me enough to let me help will you?" Her tone makes it difficult to do anything but.
"I do," I whisper insistently as I close my eyes and lean back against the concrete.
"So talk."
It takes me a moment to say this, "It's over. Amy and me, it's over."
"Does Amy know this?"
That's the first thing she feels the need to ask?
"Not yet."
"Ok," she says nodding her head very slightly. "So why is it over?"
She can't be serious, right?
"You don't know?" Why the hell does my voice go high at moments like this?
She has to know.
"I'm pretty sure I do, but I'm just not sure you know."
"What does it matter? It's over."
"For the record, you are an idiot. I was led to believe that it's an acquired skill - and you know what? Skill is maybe not the right word to use in this case - but I think you are definitely the exception to the rule. I'm pretty sure that you were born an idiot," she says having lost all patience with me.
"Thanks." I don't think I need to mention sarcasm was used there. "I think you really need to practice that supportive sister thing you were trying out when you first came here. And you know, patience is a virtue."
"Yes it is, and as you should know already, it is not one I posses in abundance, especially when you're acting like an idiot. So quit with this avoidance thing you have and at least make an effort to deal with your problems." Ok, I was wrong, now she's lost all patience. Exhibit A would be the way her decibel level escalated with every word.
"Hannah! Keep your voice down. People are trying to sleep."
"Does it look like I give a damn? And, would you like for me to lose my temper? Because I will if it will make you face your issues and stop your lame attempts at misdirection."
"Hannah."
"No, seriously, how can you not think it matters, Josh?" she asks, finally running out of steam. "It matters because if you don't know the reason, you're ignoring the problem. It matters because you don't want to repeat the same mistake twice. It matters because if you don't have a valid reason to end this, you'll regret it. It matters Josh, for those and a thousand other reasons."
"A thousand?" I know. I'm trying my hand at misdirection again, because you know, it worked so well the first time round.
"I may have stretched the truth a little, and you're prevaricating."
"What do you want me to say?" My voice has risen with every word, and is now matching her previous decibel level.
Undeterred, she asks gently, "Why did you pursue her?"
Ok, I wasn't expecting that.
"Don't you, you know, maybe wanna know why it is I'm ending this?"
"If I asked that question, could you give me a straight answer?"
Yes and no. There are many, many, many reasons why I'm ending this thing with Amy, but the most important reason is one I'm not ready to acknowledge and I think Hannah knows that. I'm also beginning to think that she's here tonight to make me face it.
"Why did you pursue her, Josh?"
"Is it really so hard to believe that I was attracted to her?" Because it's not like Amy's undesirable, physically speaking.
"Bearing in mind that you've only ever been attracted to that kind of woman, it really isn't hard to believe that you were - for lack of a better word - ensorcelled with Amy."
I have to laugh at that, 'ensorcelled.' Did I honestly feel that way?
"I'm not seeing what's so funny," she states confused.
"I used that exact word – ensorcelled - to describe how I felt about Amy once."
"Oh," is all she can say.
I shake my head lightly and prompt, "Anyway, you were saying?"
She continues with tenderness in her tone, "You've known Amy for what, twenty years? And you've met in the interim. What was so different about her seven months ago that you chose to pursue her?"
Yeah, she's gonna make me face it.
"I guess I just never really saw her before." Even I don't believe me.
"You don't actually expect me to buy that, right?"
I sigh heavily as I realise there really is no way to avoid this conversation. She's decided that I need to deal with this and so she's not going to stop until I do.
My head is leaning back against the concrete and my eyelids are closed. I take a deep breath, "I came to a realisation. If I liked someone I needed to pursue her, I couldn't expect her to know how I felt and feel the same way." The look on Hannah's face tells me that she knows exactly what it is that I'm not saying. I look at the steps below, because really, it's a little disconcerting to be so transparent. "Amy expressed an interest in me and I was attracted to her, I didn't want to miss my chance," I finish lamely.
Hannah's quite for a long moment, and then asks, "Did your realisation have anything to do with Donna?"
That was blunt. Hannah's never blunt – well, not about things like this - she usually just asks the right questions, allowing the person she's talking to, to figure things out on their own. What does it say when she thinks that I would never have worked this one out?
"No." I'm pretty sure I answered a little too quickly there.
"You're lying. For a politician, you're exceptionally bad at lying. You know that right?"
"I don't think I'm bad at lying, I'm actually an excellent liar. I just think you're good at telling when I lie."
"Josh," her exasperated tone finally making an appearance this evening.
"I can't talk about Donna right now."
"Don't worry, we're not talking about Donna and what it is you do or do not have with her. That's an entirely different conversation, one we will be having, but not right now. I just thought that maybe Donna had something to do with this realisation and that I should throw that out there."
I know she's not going to talk about my feelings for Donna, or ask me to talk about them - at least not yet - but still, the denial thing I had going on meant that for the last seven months or so, I hadn't really been thinking about Donna. To have those feelings come rushing back is just a little overwhelming, and without a doubt, not what I need right now.
Ok, I'm pretty sure I had some sort of break through there.
"Josh, did it ever occur to you that Amy pushed the right buttons, exactly the right buttons?"
Umm, no?
"I would answer that question, only I have no idea what you meant by it."
"She asks you whether you're having a relationship with your assistant--"
"What does that have to do with anything? She asked about Joey, too. She was only trying to find out if I was seeing anyone."
"Yeah, she was, but she asked about Donna repeatedly, and I'm pretty sure her asking had more to do with your non-answer than trying to find out about your relationship status-or lack there of."
Non-answer?
"What the hell is that supposed to mean? And how in the hell did you find out all this?"
"You told me." I'm pretty sure there's a blank expression on my face right now, because as you've probably guessed, I've no recollection of telling her. Obviously realising this, she explains further, "You got drunk one night, called and, you know, talked."
"Oh." Damn sensitive system. Not that I have one or anything.
"'She's just my assistant?' That's an excuse, Josh, not a reason. And let's not even get into the whole 'everything I do reflects on the President?' thing."
"It does." I'm indignant here, because everything I do does reflect on the President.
"If that's the case, then I gotta ask why the hell didn't you dump Amy the moment the Welfare incident occurred? What does it say for the President when his administration's enforcer, who had been slaving away on a very important bill, gave away a political advantage to his girlfriend and then almost got his ass whipped by her when she placed said bill in jeopardy?"
"I didn't--"
"You really did. You may have saved the bill, but you lost a lot of face during that incident simply because of the fact that you shouldn't have had to save it in the first place. You screwed up and it naturally made you loose credibility and respect - albeit temporarily - but also reflected badly on the President and his administration. All because you gave Amy the extra time she needed to actually become a viable threat to the bill. So I'll ask again, why didn't you end your relationship with Amy then?" I don't answer. Hannah, satisfied that I know she's right, and understanding that I'm not about to answer her question, continues with her original point, "Amy caught you off-guard with the question about Donna. I can just imagine you trying to keep a pleasant but neutral expression, not giving away what you're truly thinking. The thing is, what you didn't say was more revealing than what you did. She's in politics, she knows how to read the subtle signs we give off."
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say to that.
"Also, she accused you of being exactly the kind of guy you don't want to be."
"So what? You're saying that Amy baited me into this relationship?" I ask incredulously.
"No, you're not helpless and you're not that dumb," she says using her 'you're exactly that kind of dumb' voice. "It was your choice to start this thing with her. All I'm saying is, she made it easier for you to ignore all your other problems by putting you on the defensive and challenging you."
She's right. Not that I'm trying to place the 'blame' for the existence of this relationship on Amy, just that she helped justify my need to pursue her. Is she trying to say that the past seven months have been about my feelings for Donna?
"And just to clarify - because you have this annoying tendency to confuse yourself - Donna has nothing to do with this relationship. Granted, you may have started things with Amy due to the Donna-related-realisation and to avoid dealing with certain issues involving her, but these past seven months have been about discovering that you can in fact work at having a relationship, that you're not that guy and that the type of woman you've been involved with for the past twenty-five years, is not necessarily the type you should be getting involved with."
I'm just stating for the record that it's freaky when she does that, you know, read my mind and answer my unasked questions.
"The type of woman--?"
"Face it Josh, Amy is every woman you've ever dated. She's the type of woman you seem to think is the only one you can legitimately be attracted to, and why not? She's intelligent, beautiful, and a political operative. She can challenge you, forcing you to be smarter; she can engage you in discussions about issues that you're both passionate about. She's assertive and won't let you fumble around in a relationship--"
"You know, you're painting Amy in an awfully good light here."
"I wasn't talking about Amy, I was talking about your choice in women in general."
"So what you're saying is that I'm attracted to women I look good on paper with. I gotta tell you, I'm not seeing the problem there."
"No," she drawls out shaking her head for emphasis. "I'm saying that you choose to only date women you look good on paper with. You've been attracted to and chosen not to have relationships with women who conventionally don't look good on paper. As for your not seeing the problem, doesn't the fact that none of your relationships have ever been even remotely successful tell you anything?"
I know this may sound dumb, but I wish I knew what it is I'm meant to take away from that.
"I'm sensing that you have no idea what it is I'm trying to get you to understand," she sighs. She takes a moment and then says, "Ok, so let's try this a different way, if you looked at Chris and I on paper, would you have thought that we would work?"
"No, but that's different. You guys were…you guys."
"Yeah, your reasoning astounds me," she smirks, "And they say you were a Fulbright Scholar."
"You two were perfect for each other," I offer.
"Yes we were, and that's the point Josh. Being perfect on paper has nothing to do with it - because we certainly weren't - you just click and that's about as logical as it gets."
"Well, that gives me a lot of hope."
"Ah, sarcasm, what was it that Mrs. Landingham used to say? 'Sarcasm. The grumpy man's wit'."
"The point still stands."
"Why? Are you trying to make yourself fall in love? I always thought you would more or less stumble into it like I did - stumbles the wrong word… grow is probably more accurate - as for giving you hope, it's better this way, there's a certain magic that can never be explained, it's what makes being in love so special."
"I think I should warn you that you're beginning to sound like a Hallmark card."
"And here I was trying to give you reassurances while being eloquent and all."
"Your efforts were much appreciated." I smirk.
She's quiet for a moment, "You were never that guy, you know. The one Amy accused you of being. You were never him. You were just the only one who couldn't see that. Well, you and Amy."
"Yeah," I breathe, because really, what else can I say?
She gives me some time to absorb everything that was just said and then says, "So, my job is done."
"Your job?" I'm puzzled, which is not unsurprising.
"CJ." She says 'CJ' as if that should clarify everything. My puzzled look is still in place and so she explains further, "I promised her I'd have a talk with you and I have. So my job is done." The change in the atmosphere is evident. We've decided to abandon the soul searching and go back to the light tone set earlier in the evening.
Which, incidentally, is fine by me.
"Ok, see here I was thinking you were doing this just to torture me," I tease.
"Well, yeah, there was that," she laughs; her teasing tone is too back in abundance. "Ok, so explain Campanology to me."
"The study of bells?"
"Yeah, I mean I know what it is, but why would anyone want to be a Campanologist?"
I have no idea.
*
It's almost five in the morning - or at least it is according to my crappy watch - Hannah and I have spent pretty much the entire night on my doorstep. We haven't talked about Amy since the whole Kreskin thing Hannah did, after which we briefly talked about politics and breakfast with her in-laws later today. She's thinking about dragging Leo along, and if she manages to do that, I'm definitely joining them. The only thing Leo and Nick have in common is that they both adore Hannah; otherwise, Leo thinks Nick is a bigger lunatic freak than Lord John Marbury. So you can see why I have to be at the breakfast table with them.
Somewhere in between all that, Hannah went into my apartment and got some pillows and blankets - don't ask me when, I honestly have no idea - for which I'm very grateful, my back was starting to hurt a little.
For the past half hour though, we've just sat in silence, I think Hannah believes I'm not ready to be alone right now, and I'm not sure she's entirely wrong.
"You were right," I say, finally breaking the silence.
"Umm?"
"You were right."
"Considering the fact that I'm never actually wrong, that's pretty much a given, but what was I right about this time?" Her face is supporting a superior smile.
My response is in a mock whisper, "And they say my ego is a thing of amazing proportions."
"You know, normally I would address that ludicrously harebrained comment with a smart and witty response, but I wanna hear what I'm right about."
"This thing with Amy. Part of me wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't that guy. The hit and run guy." It's why I didn't run in the opposite direction when she went over my head to Dr. Bartlet. It's why I let the welfare thing go. I didn't want to end things because of politics; I wanted a reason and not an excuse.
And the fact that I was actively looking for a reason (well, subconsciously, at least) should have been reason enough.
"What about the other part?"
Abandoning my original thought, I stumble into this answer, "I really did like her."
"I know, since I was never living under the assumption that you're the type of guy who would pursue a relationship with someone just for kicks. But I get the impression that, that was not what you were originally going to say."
I close my eyes, hoping that it'll help me deal with the onslaught of emotions finally admitting this will release. "Being with Amy meant that I had to concentrate on being with her, I could ignore all the other things."
Right now isn't the time to deal with that. Regardless of how turbulent my relationship with Amy is, a part of me cared for her, or at least the idea of her. This was an actual relationship and I don't want to trivialise what it stood for, or anything that came from it.
Something else comes to mind as I try and think of a way to divert this conversation away from where it could logically proceed.
"You knew it wasn't going to work, how is that?"
"Besides--" she pauses for a moment, and I'm guessing she's trying to think of a way to talk about Donna without really talking about her, and I guess that pretty much answers my question right there. "…Those other things you were trying to ignore? You have issues Josh, and I had a difficult time picturing you working through them with Amy, which would mean that you don't trust her enough with the more vulnerable part of you. I don't think you can have a relationship of substance with someone you don't trust, do you?"
"No."
And again silence descends as once more she gives me some time to digest what she did and didn't say.
"You ok?" Hannah asks softly.
"Strangely, yeah. It's kind of a relief, you know. I guess I was expecting something a little more traumatic."
Her face takes on a worried expression when she blurts out, "What, you were expecting to have an episode?"
"No. Not PTSD traumatic, just, you know." I try and reassure.
"Ok. Because I'm thinking breaking up with Amy isn't a reason to have an episode. Staying with her? Maybe. In fact, I'd say it's a definite possibility, but breaking up with her? No, not so much."
"Are you mocking my mental health?" The humour is evident in both our voices.
"No?! No mocking going on here. I am the perfect picture of supportiveness, absolutely no mocking going on here. None. What. So. Ever."
"Really? Because it sounded like you were mocking."
"Are you sure? Maybe you have wax in your ears, that makes it harder to hear you know."
I smile at that. "Thanks Hannah."
"For what?" Her forehead does that adorable crinkly thing when she gets confused. Except, she's not confused right now, she knows why it is I'm thanking her; she just doesn't think it's necessary.
"Just… Thank you."
A shy smile forms across her face as she blushes. "Ok."
"Well, at least the easy part is over," I say after a moment, bringing the light tone back. Can you tell that we're not into heart-to-hearts?
"I'm not sure I understand."
"That's a first." Yeah, the smirk is back too.
"You do realise I could kick your ass without lifting so much as a finger, right?" She's not exaggerating here, trust me, I've seen her do it. So I'm thinking I should maybe abandon the smart-ass comments. At least until she's out of hitting range.
"Deciding to break up with Amy was the easy part. Now I have to actually, you know, break up with her."
"Oh right, that. Maybe you should leave it for a day."
"Why?" Because really, the sooner this is over, the better.
"Just so she knows that you have actually thought this through and your decision isn't a reaction to last night." After a beat she adds, "Also, I wouldn't mention my name."
"I don't think Amy's gonna become irrational just because I'm breaking up with her or that I talked to you about this." I mean you could argue that she already is irrational.
"Really? 'Cause I can definitely see her throwing things at you if you tell her that I helped you in any way to come to a conclusion about your relationship. She's not exactly my biggest fan, Josh."
"Yeah," I laugh, "I guess I can see that."
"And I'm thinking that throwing things would actually constitute as being irrational."
"There is that."
"Well since we got that settled, I think maybe I should go. My dear mother-in-law has this annoying ability to tell when I haven't had any sleep."
"And the problem with that is…?"
"The two hour lecture about how I'm not taking care of myself properly that comes with it."
"Yeah, I can see how that might get a little irritating," I grin.
"I wouldn't be smirking so much if I were you. Ever heard of karma? I'm betting that in two days you're gonna end up in hospital stumbling through an explanation as to why you're there in the first place."
"Which would be…?"
"You're explanation? That you're girlfriend, sorry, ex-girlfriend, beat you senseless for breaking up with her."
"You have a mean streak, you know."
"See, that's where you're wrong, I was just warning you about karma. I would call that being nice."
"Weren't you leaving?"
"Are you trying to get rid of me?"
"Yes."
"Fine," she says with a mock huff. "I'll call you later."
"Ok." I respond with a warm smile.
A minute goes past, and Hannah doesn't appear to be making any more of an effort to move from where she has been standing. She appears to be staring out into the street lost in thought, her face housing a look, like she's deciding whether or not she should say something.
"Er… Hannah?"
"Yeah?" The absent tone she just used? Confirms my theory of her mind being engrossed with other thoughts.
"Shouldn't you, you know, be moving?"
"She's not over you." That was said in such a quiet voice that I'm not sure if she meant to say it out loud.
"What?" She can't be talking about who I think she's talking about.
"Donna - she's not over you. In fact, I think she's just beginning to realise what it is exactly you mean to her."
"She's… I'm…" I'm having trouble formulating a sentence here.
"I'm not saying that you should jump on the next plane to California and declare your undying love for her. The first thing you need to do is actually break up with Amy, and then deal with any residual feelings you have for her. When that's settled and you're ready… I know you have questions and that you still don't understand the reasons for some of the things that happened recently--" she stops for a second and sighs, "Look, all I'm saying is that Donna has feelings for you."
"We're friends, Hannah, having feelings for each other comes with the territory." I'm trying to give her an out. "How do you know she has feelings for me?"
Was that me?
Yeah it was, but that restrained voice didn't sound at all like mine. I'm finding myself holding my breath while waiting for her reply. How could she know that? And if she's guessing, could she be right?
"The same way I know you have feelings for her." I can hear her smiling, but since I'm avoiding any eye contact, I can't be sure.
Am I really that transparent?
"What if I take too long?"
Much like another situation involving Donna, my mouth seems to have taken a life of its own. I'm either drunk or my brain has switched off from sleep deprivation, because, I don't remember thinking these questions let alone giving my mouth permission to ask them.
"Okay, I know you really liked Amy and all, but do you honestly believe that it's going to take you that long to get over her?" she jokes.
"No. But that's not what I meant," I say, thinking about Nathan and London.
"I'm not about to let Donna spend the rest of her life with the wrong guy, Josh."
"What makes you think I'm the right guy?"
"What makes you think you're not?"
"Yeah," I whisper, smiling as Hannah walks back to her car. I know I'm not ready to confront this thing Donna and I share, but the fact that it exists and I'm not imagining it, is just… I'm not sure I have the words for it.
There's just this nagging feeling that I can't shake off. I decide to ignore this train of thought and concentrate instead on putting my relationship with Amy behind me.
The niggling feeling is still there though. What if Hannah's wrong?
TBC…